“Father, do you have anything to declare?”

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate i...

Ottoman Ruler Declares War!

As a man with his four sons work at the farm, a horseman appears. Comes close to the father and says, our great leader has declared war, your oldest son must be conscripted. Takes the boy and leaves. Time passes, the horseman appears again. Announces the war, takes the oldest son leaves. Now only th...

Why did the Vatican declare pirates were outlaws?

Because the cabin boy wouldn’t share his booty!

A man declares that he will be the first person to jump out of a plane without a parachute

The man jumps out and dies on impact with the ground.

He didn’t understand the gravity of the situation.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Canadian Hosers Declare War on the United States

Newfoundland, Canada declares war on the U.S.A.

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin' to tells ya d...

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1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war...

...5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump said, "I declare April as Sexual Assault Awareness month."

His aide said, "So what do think are some good ways to prevent it?"

Trump replied, "Prevent it?"

Border officer: Do you have anything to declare?

Traveller: Only an undying love of travel puns.
Border officer: ...You just crossed a line, kid.

Breaking News: Coup Underway - Trump takes control of senate and declares martial law!

Oh wait... That was Palpatine.
False alarm.

How did the referee declare Aaron Hernandez dead?

"After review, the receiver did not get two feet down."

How do the French declare war?

With a white flag.

Donald Trump declares that supermarkets can no longer sell pizzas topped with cheese.

When an interviewer asks him why, he says that it's because he wants to make America grate again.

50 cent declares bankrupcy...

he hasnt got a dollar to his name

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other

France surrenders

Italy changes sides

Both lose

1, 2, 3, 4 I declare a cold war...

5, 6, 7, 8 loser is a buffer state.

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A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.

She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated sex toy for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over th...

The Queen of England is on a cruise

When they see Christiano Ronaldo thrashing for help in the middle of the ocean, being violently attacked by a great white shark.

But before she can have her staff do anything, a speedboat comes by, and in it is Lionel Messi and Luis Suarez! They pull up to the shark and hit it with paddles ti...

A man has died, and his friends and family are gathered together in a small church for his memorial service...

As the service nears its conclusion, a man rises up from his seat on a pew in the very back row and begins to shuffle towards the pulpit, where the preacher is concluding his remarks and the widow of the deceased stands by weeping.

The man makes his way up to the very front of the congregatio...

A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband

"We have to make love right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.

Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.

After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."

"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg...

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that a...

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Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to th...

A Genie Grants an Irish Man Three Wishes.

The Genie inquires what his first wish will be.

​

"A bottle of Jameson!" the man declares.

​

The Genie snaps his fingers and a bottle of Jameson appears. The man quickly opens it and drinks the entire bottle of liquor. "What would you like for your...

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Two friends Bob and Frank are lost deep in the jungle when they encounter a tribe of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing on sacred land and unless they can prove they are descendants of the Gods they will be killed and eaten.

...

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Three friends are walking down the sidewalk and see something in their path that looks like shit, but they aren't sure.

Al leans down and takes a whiff. "It smells like shit".

Bob reaches down and presses two fingers into it. "Hmm, it feels like shit."

Carl asks for a piece and begins to chew it. With a full mouth he declares, "Well, it sure tastes like shit."

Al then reasons out loud, "So it loo...

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2 Young lovers are up at make out point having the time of their lives when a cop bangs on the car and stops them in the act.

What the hell are you two doing up here at this time of the night? he growls.
It's ok officer.. we are getting married tomorrow, the young lad declares.
Oh I am so sorry to have disturbed you the cop exclaims.
Being your last time having sex and all.

A Familiar Patient.

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not a...

Get Your Own Dirt

God was once approached by a scientist who said, “Listen God, we’ve decided we don’t need you anymore. These days we can clone people, transplant organs and do all sorts of things that used to be considered miraculous.”

God replied, “Don’t need me huh? How about we put your theory to the test...

In a city, not so long ago, there was a collective of friars.

These friars decided to come to this city to spread their religion by buying a church. This church was old (the only church the city had for sale, really), but the friars didn't care. They put on some of that good ol' elbow grease and got it looking good again. Once their church was as ready as can ...

3 guys die and go to heaven

The angel at the pearly gates greets them and says, "You've all made it to heaven, and based on your faithfulness to your spouse you will receive an equally fitting vehicle to drive around in."

The angel asks the first guy how faithful he was, and he says, "I cheated once or twice." The angel...

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Nun on a bus

A man gets onto a city bus and sees an attractive nun. Wanting to have sex with her, he goes up and asks, "Will you have sex with me?"
"Of course not!" the nun said unnervingly and got off the bus.
Before the depressed man left the bus, the bus driver stops him and says, "I know how you can sc...

Brain Dead

A man got into a car accident and was rushed to hospital. At the hospital, the man's doctor declares him to be brain-dead. Soon, the man's wife shows up at the hospital. The doctor gives the wife the bad news.

"What now?! What are my options?" Sobs the wife.

The doctor replies, "Well, ...

There was a man who drank a lot and his wife gave him an ultimatum…

“If you ever come home drunk again, I'm going to divorce you”. Being a creature of habit, he went out drinking again and was sick all over his shirt. He said to his friend “If I go home like this my wife will divorce me". His friend advised “I tell you what, put a £20 note in your inside jacket pock...

A pharmacist walks into his sho

The pharmacist finds a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” He asks his assistant.

“He came in for some cough syrup,” explains the assistant. “But I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.”

“What!” The pharmacist says, horrified. “You c...

Six retired Jewish Gents were playing poker....

Six retired Jewish gents were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks arou...

Once upon a time there were two youths in love

Once upon a time there were two youths in love. They met in grade school and instantly knew that they would be married and be with each other forever. Their families became close friends and as they grew older it became more and more obvious to everyone that they were destined to be together.
...

Oooo, that smell (LONG)

A load of chickens in their pickup bed, Sven and Tina are enjoying a quiet ride to the market when Sven accidentally runs over a skunk.

"Oh Sven, you've gotta stop," Tina says. "That was a momma skunk, and her babies are crying by the roadside."

Sven mumbles under his breath, but smile...

The rabbi's debate

Four rabbis are arguing about the purity of an old oven. Three think it need to be purified, but the last argues it is pure.

The contrary rabbi declares, "If I'm right, then this room will prove it!" Suddenly, a large crack appears on the wall opposite to the men.

"This old place is f...

Ladies Bar

A blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to ...

A cowboy walks into a saloon.

He sits down at the bar and orders a whiskey. He chugs it down and says "TGIF!". A Mexican walks in, shakes his head, and says "SPIT!". A few minutes go by and the cowboy has downed his third whiskey. He stands up and declares, "TGIF!". The Mexican looks at the cowboy with a puzzled look, "SPIT" he ...

The Ship’s Brave Captain

In the vast ocean of the new colonies, a British ship patrols the outskirts of its territory.

Suddenly, the lookout yells from the top of the ship:
“Captain!Captain! Pirate vessel in sight!”

With a stern look on his face, the captain declares: “Go fetch me my red blouse!”

And...

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

“Hands up, this is a robbery!” He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.

One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; “Hey, shouldn’t you be robbing a blood bank?”

The vampire turns to them and grins.
“No, see, I’m cursed.” He explain...

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek.

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide and seek, with Einstein seeking. As he counts down, Pascal goes and hides in the bushes but Newton stands in front of him, takes out a piece of chalk, and draws a square around himself on the ground. When Einstein reaches 0, he looks up and sees Newton a...

Three wishes

Bob, James, and Albert go for a hike in the mountains one day and they find a strange lamp. They rub it and a genie appears, the genie is so relieved to be free that he offers each of them three wishes, with the one condition that each man have at least one month between their wishes, they see this ...

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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey...

He sits at the bar and orders a beverage. It’s midday and the bar is empty so the bartender tells the man that he can let the monkey off his leash. The man obliges, and the monkey goes straight to the pool table. He’s rolling the cue ball around when he suddenly picks it up, sniffs it, then swallows...

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Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was t...

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Man walks into a bar with an Octopus

He puts the octopus on the bar and declares to everyone in the pub ‘£50 says this octopus can play any instrument’. First man steps up and places a trumpet in front of the Octopus, it immediately picks it up and plays it like Dizzy Gillespie. ‘That’s amazing’ says the man and duly pays his £50. Seco...

Man Raises a Toast at the Bar

He toasts, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between my wife's legs!" The crowd hoops and hollers and declares that he won Toast of the Night.

Man goes home and says, "Honey! Honey! I won Toast of the Night!"

"That's great dear!" Says his wife. "What did you toast?"

"Here...

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

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Three nuns perish in a bus crash...

...and are whisked straight to heaven.

St. Peter greets them at the gate with a warm welcome.

“Sisters, you have all three been paragons of the Catholic faith. The good Lord would like to bestow upon you one last day on earth as anyone you would like to be. Live for a day as whomever y...

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A man mentions to a coworker today that her hair smells nice....

The woman suddenly grows enraged, storms into the supervisors office and declares loudly that she's quitting and has decided to file a sexual harassment suit.

"Come on" says the supervisor. "What's wrong with a guy saying your hair smells nice?"

"He's a fucking midget".

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A man, suspicious that his wife has been cheating on him hires a private investigator to follow her.

One night she tells her husband that she’s going out to see her mother.

The private investigator springs into action and follows her to the local bar. The private investigator then calls the husband and lets him know where she is.

Angry, the husband decides to load up his revolver, dr...

The funniest joke...

After a lengthy trial, Bob is found guilty and sentenced to life in a medium security prison. Arriving just in time for the daily lunch, Bob introduces himself to his fellow inmates as he waits in line for the meal.

Somebody yells out "54!", and everyone around Bob starts laughing.

"12...

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A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead... [NSFW]

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead walk into an elevator together at work. The redhead notices a new stain on the wall of the elevator.

The redhead proceeds to smell the stain and says, "I think it's cum?"

The brunette then smells the same stain and says, "Oh yea, it's definitely cum."<...

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A man from Miami Beach travels to the Middle East and finds camels so fascinating that he decides to buy one and bring it back home with him.

For the next month, he rides the camel all over the city. The next day when goes to get the camel, he finds that it is has been stolen.

He goes to the police department to report it stolen. The desk sergeant asks him to describe the camel.

He says incredulously, "What do you mean, de...

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The best blow job ever!

Henry and his drinking buddy are sitting at the bar one day, having a few brews, when Henry's buddy declares " I've had the best blow job ever, from the most amazing prostitute I've been graced to know!". Henry, who is amused by the statement, asked "what made it so special!?" To which his buddy rep...

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45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane are scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

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There is a rabbi that studied all the religions of the world. He had worked his whole life to experience them all....

He finally had studied and participated in all the world's religions, except for one. There was the small tropical island far away from civilization. This island, the Island of Trid, was populated by the local islanders, the trids. They an idyllic culture. Easy and peaceful living in harmony with th...

A tale of two rednecks

Two rednecks live on either side of a river. One named Billy, the other named Clarence. Well, every day the both go to the bank on their side of the river and yell insults at each other. One day, a construction company moves in a builds a bridge accross the river. Billy wakes up one morning and sees...

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A guy from New York, a guy from Los Angeles, and a guy from Austin, Texas are discussing the women where they're from...

The New York fellow slams his beer down and declares, "Where I'm from, all you need to do is walk up to a woman, buy her a beer, and you can stick your cock in her!"

"That's nothing!" says the Californian. "Where I'm from, you just walk up to a girl, say hi, and you can stick your cock in her...

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A North Korean, United States, and Irish Politician walk into a bar.

They all order a beer. Upon going to drink them they notice a fly is floating in each of their beers.

The North Korean politician, outraged, declares war and that he will destroy the bar for allowing this to happen.

The politician from the United States declares tighter sanctions and ...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring,

"A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and...

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The Two Cow Philosophy

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neigh...

Handyman goes to court

So this handyman was caught working without a license. He was a bit of a diy guy and had decided to fix some things himself, but wasn't licensed to do so and they weren't up to standard.

In the court, the judge received a note from his assistant and immediately declare him guilty for working ...

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man y...

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Three Blind Men and an Elephant

The first blind man gropes around and feels the elephant's butthole, butt cheeks and tail. After a few minutes he declares an elephant is like a stinky pig. The second blind man gropes around and feels the elephant's testicles, and after rubbing them for a few minutes, declares the first man is wron...

Three women were bragging about their boyfriends...

The first one proudly declares, my boyfriend is so kinky, he stuck his whole arm inside of me, The second girl shrugs her off and exclaims "that's nothing, my boyfriend once stuck his whole head inside me! The third one seemingly unimpressed states, "thats nothing compared to mine" as she spreads he...

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A little boy and his grandpa were sitting outside..

A little boy and his grandpa were sitting outside on the balcony. His grandpa was smoking a cigar and the boy asks "Grampa, can I smoke some of that cigar?" Grandpa relies "does your dick touch your asshole" the boy rather confused replies "no" and the grandpa says "if your dick doesn't touch your a...

A chemist, an engineer and a mathematician were all asleep in a hotel when several fires broke out in their respective rooms....

The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment, which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.

The chemist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled out his CRC (chemistry handbook), and began working o...

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Jesus and Satan are having a competition...

... to see who is the better Excel user. God is the judge.

Satan is killing it. He has pivot tables, graphs, macros. Jesus is doing ok - he has a few columns of data, some basic graphs and some formulae.

The time is nearing the 2hour time limit and suddenly the power goes off. Satan is...

Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.

So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."

Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"

A...

The real story of armegeddon

It's not well known but the final battle between Jesus and Satan is actually a computer programming battle. Armageddon arrives and the battle begins. Jesus and Satan are both tasked with the most complicated programming task ever given. This is the type of task even Linus Torvalds would declare i...

Donald Trump and his two bodyguards are on a crashing airplane. There are only two parachutes.

Trump declares "I am the President of the United States and also the smartest one. It's unbelievable." He grabs a parachute and jumps.

One of the bodyguards says "Hey, man, you have a wife and kids. Take the parachute."

The other replies "There are enough parachutes for both of us, Tim...

The Pope dies and goes to Heaven...

When he gets there, he finds he's being judged at the same time as Donald Trump. Saint Peter declares that the pope is going to hell and Trump is going to heaven. The pope is outraged and asks how someone as pious as he is going to hell, and someone like Trump could achieve heaven. "Well," says Sain...

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A boy walks into an ice cream parlor....

The kid strolls up the counter, and the employee asks the lad....

"What flavor would you like?"

He looks over the list of flavors, and after a brief moment he says...

"Chocolate!"

With a sad face, the employee looks down to the boy and says... "I'm sorry, we're all out ...

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Man and his Duck

A man comes home from the pub drunk & with a Duck under his arm. he declares "This is the pig I've been shagging"
His wife stops him & says... That's a Duck!
He replies... I was talking to the Duck!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Frenchmen, A Englishman and an American are traveling in the Amazon

When suddenly a cannibal tribe captures them. The cannibal leader steps forward and states "It is nothing against you men. We all have been raised cannibals and need to eat. Every scrap will be used including your skin to make a boat. We will, however, give you the option on how you want to die. Fre...

So this businessman gets in trouble

This businessman gets in trouble at the airport when he sees that he cannot carry a hair straightener that he bought for his wife with him because it isn't allowed on the plane. So he thinks of a solution. He sees that a priest is standing behind him.
Turning to him he says, "Father please take ...

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.

The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.

The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush str...

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A man walks into a bar...

... and upon entering it declares "Trump supporters are assholes."

A second man gets up from his barstool and yells at the first man from across the bar "Hey! I take offense to that!"

"Are you a Trump supporter?" inquires the first man.

"No," the second man replies, "I'm an ass...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi hear about a bear causing trouble in the woods nearby.

The three men, friendly rivals, decide among themselves that what this bear needs to be soothed is some religion, so they declare it a contest to see who can convert it. They draw straws, and the Catholic priest is the first to try.

He heads into the woods, and comes back three hours later wi...

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Army Camel

A distinguished four star general is visiting his troops stationed in Iraq. While taking a tour with his first sergeant of the facility he notices a lone camel near the edge of the base. He asks his sergeant, "Why is there a camel there?"

The sergeant answers, "Well, the men use that camel t...

A woman gets called to court for shoplifting...

The judge asks, "So, you stole something from the grocery store?"

"Yes," the woman says.

"And what did you steal?"

"A can of peaches, Your Honor," the woman replies.

"And how many peaches were in the can?" the judge asks.

"Six," the woman replies.

"Alright....

An elderly man reunites with his lost love

One day, an elderly man is out for a walk when he discovers his lost teenage love, a woman who's about his age. The two get together, and in an instant can tell the old Fire is there. Together they rent out a small motel room when, just as they throw off their clothes, the Reaper appears at the foot...

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John is caught in a fire and burnt to death.

His two close friends, Sean and Jack, are called in to identify his body.
The mortician calls Sean in. Sean looks at the body and says, "Yep, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolls him over. Sean takes one look and says, "Nah, it's not John."

The mortician is confused ...

Going through customs at a US airport

Customs agent: Do you have anything to declare today?
Me: *starts sweating* ummmmm no. *trips and falls. Hundred of Kinder eggs spill from my pockets, jacket and bag*
Customs agent: GET ON THE FLOOR NOW!
Me: But, I am -
*armed guards swarm around and pin me down*
Armed guards: WHAT'S ...

The priest, laywer, and engineer

By chance, a priest, a laywer, and an engineer find themselves in line to be guillotined. They demand that the priest steps up, and he reluctantly does so. They put his head in the guillotine and pull the rope, but to everyone's surprise, nothing happens. The priest declares that he was saved by ...

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A man walks into a bar and sees someone sitting alone, wearing a Trump hat.

The man strolls in and declares to the bartender, " I want to buy everyone in here a free round of drinks, except for the jerk in the Trump hat". The man wearing the hat dips his head and says "Thank you." Finding this annoying, he orders another around, again specifying that the man with the Trump ...

Because Soviet jokes are on-trend...

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB are competing for the title of the Best Criminal Catcher. They're given a task by the General Secretariat of UN to catch a rabbit in the forest which he'd released. The CIA plants well-trained animal spies throughout the forest, and after 3 months of investigation they c...

3 religious leaders were fishing

3 religious leaders were out fishing. To not hurt the sensibilities of Reddit, we will name them thusly:

* __Ted__ - the leader of the religion you belong to, or a version of Stephen Hawking that is able-bodied.
* **George** - the leader of a religion you like, or at least tolerate; or Nei...

An optimist and pessimist are arguing about philosophy.

The optimist declares, “This is the best of all possible worlds.” The pessimist sighs and says, “You’re right.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married man farts all the time...

And in one of his particulary explosive bouts of wind, his long suffering wife says the following. "One day you'll fart so hard you'll fart your guts right out!!"

With that, he just pays his wife's words with no heed and goes about his business.

A few days later, after the previous nig...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three adventurers are captured by a dangerous tribe in the jungle.

The tribe's chief tells the adventurers that they have the choice between death and the woulawoula.

The first one has to make his choice. In his head, he thinks: ''I don't know what is the woulawoula, but the choice is easy. I don't want to die. I have a family.'' So, he yells: ''I choose the...

A blonde goes to court

A blonde goes to court.

Eventually the judge says: “I hereby declare the case closed. There is not enough evidence that you stole the 10000 US$.”

The blonde is thrilled: “Gosh, so does that mean I can keep the money?”

An English couple have a child

After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This, however, should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop norma...

Open and Shut

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds."

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but no...

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Two southern belles were sitting on the veranda, drinking mint juleps...

Anna Beth has just returned from a trip to the Big Apple.

Anna Beth says to Ina Jean, *"In New York City, they have MEN who kiss other MEN on their private parts!"*

*"Oh, heavens!"*, says Ina Jean. *"Whatever do you call such a creature?"*

"Homosexuals" replies Anna Beth....

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Husband comes home after getting fired from the pickle factory...

his wife asks, what the hell happened?! He says "I got caught sticking my dick in the pickle slicer." "Dear lord!" she declares. "Are you OK?" "Yea, I'm totally fine." he says. "Was the pickle slicer turned on?" she says, to which the husband replied "Yea, she loved it."

The Mexican Magician

A Mexican magician declares that he will disappear on the count of three. He begins to count, "uno, dos..." *POOF* The magician vanished without a tres.

Two Drunk Farmers

Two drunk farmers are helping each other home late one night, staggering down the railroad tracks. After about half a mile, Vern declares with some annoyance, "Shoot, this sure is a long staircase!"
At that Chet slurs back, "Well, it ain't the stairs that're botherin' me so much as these stink'in...

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2 aliens patrolling the universe looking for intelligent life.

There are these 2 aliens, one new and one seasoned regarding searching the universe for intelligent life.

They come across earth and decide to land out of all places the desert. They are walking for what seems like miles in search of any intelligent life when they come across a gas station.<...

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Russians are going to war with germans

So russia declares war to germany... they plan out an attack... the soldiers start getting ready the day before.... and get thinking "Most of us will probably die tomorrow... we should get drunk". And so they do... they get completely wasted, sell all their tanks for more vodka, sell their guns, gre...

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NSFW A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are on a deserted island..

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are on a deserted island when they are discovered by a tribe of cannibals. The chief delivers good and bad news to the three men. "The bad news is you men will be killed, we will eat your intestines and we will use your skin for our canoes. The good news ...

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A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven..

A philosopher, a mathematician, and an idiot die and go to heaven.

They arrive at the pearly gates and St. Peter greets them with a smile, but the devil is standing beside them. The three men stand there looking very confused. Saint Peter tells them that heaven is getting very crowded, and o...