UPJOKE
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Declare Jokes

“Father, do you have anything to declare?”

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate i...

So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization...

...when will the U.S. government start arming them?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war...

...5,6,7,8 I use this hand to masturbate.

France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other

France surrenders

Italy changes sides

Both lose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump said, "I declare April as Sexual Assault Awareness month."

His aide said, "So what do think are some good ways to prevent it?"

Trump replied, "Prevent it?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

A very distinguished lady was on a plane

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remov...

Who declared Corona as a pandemic??

This is the first time in

english literature question

and answer both are same

Q:Who declared Corona

as a pandemic?

A: WHO declared Corona

as a pandemic.

Putin declares all Russian government computers must be Macs

Rumor has it that he's scared to go near Windows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the joke I'll go to hell for

A woman is giving birth. She pushes and pushes and finally the baby pops free. The doctor holds the baby up by its feet and declares, "it's a handsome baby boy!"

He then punches it in the head, throws it against the wall and runs over and jumps on it with both feet.

The horrified moth...

The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore.

W.H.O. let the dogs out.

Yesterday my COVID test result was declared

I Got 12 . I also got my IQ test result today morning and it is POSITiVE.

Breaking: Dexter Holland from The Offspring has declared bankruptcy after pouring most of the band's savings into this week's lottery tickets.

He asked for a 13, but they drew a 31.

A blonde colors her hair red and moves countryside

She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free."
The farmer agrees.
The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet.
As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, ca...

The IRS wants me to declare my e-commerce income...

But I only took payments from Friends and Family!

I declare a war on calendars!

Their days are numbered.

When at the airport, if you get asked "Anything to declare?"

It's not the best response to say "A Thumb War".

In WWII, Hungary had finally declared war on the USA. An envoy is sent to the US embassy, where they handed over the formal declaration, after which the following conversation took place:

\- What is your form of government?

\-Kingdom.

\-Who's your king?

\- We don't have a king, but a regent.

\- Okay, then who's the regent?

\- Admiral Miklós Horthy.

\- Admiral? So do you have access to the ocean?

\- No.

\- Okay. Do you...

Scientists have declared that ants are immune to COVID-19....

They think its probably because they have.... anty bodies

As a gamer I find it strange that Biden was declared the winner...

Trump had way more kills

Austria declares war on China:

„We have 200 soldiers and 3 Tanks“

China accepst: „We have 4 Million Soldiers, a Million Tanks an a couple hundred nuclear warheads“

Austria replies:„We abort the declaration, we can't provide enough accomodations for the war prisoners “

Border officer: Do you have anything to declare?

Traveller: Only an undying love of travel puns.
Border officer: ...You just crossed a line, kid.

Nietzsche declared God dead,

Jesus Declared God Dad.

A photon is at the customs window when the agent asks: "Do you have any luggage to declare?"

The photon answers: "No, I'm traveling light."

Why did the Vatican declare pirates were outlaws?

Because the cabin boy wouldn’t share his booty!

America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

Who declared COVID-19 as a pandemic?

WHO declared COVID-19 as a pandemic.

Trump declares war against Twitter

McDonald's is now concerned and very scared.

How do the French declare war?

With a white flag.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

A court declares social distancing unenforceable in Alabama

Reasons the judge: The entire state’s population can reasonably be considered as a family unit

Republicans declared they're against mail-in voting.

So Democrats went postal.

How did the referee declare Aaron Hernandez dead?

"After review, the receiver did not get two feet down."

A farmer was declared missing when he didn't show up to an award ceremony in his honor...

They found him out standing in his field.

Today, Senate Republicans declared that they see no path forward to end the government shutdown

In other words: they've hit a wall

1, 2, 3, 4 I declare a cold war...

5, 6, 7, 8 loser is a buffer state.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

The USA proudly declares they're "exporting democracy" whenever they invade a country

I understand why they have to do it at gunpoint. It's generally tough to sell the junk you have no use for yourself anymore.

The President has declared war on babies.

In response, they sent in the infantry.

A man is declared dead in the emergency room with 3 nurses present.

Noticing he has a hardon, the first nurse says:
"I wouldn't want it to go to waste", and rides him.
The second nurse agrees, and does the same.
The third nurse says she's on her period, but that a little blood won't do anything.
After they're all done, the man suddenly wakes up, feelin...

Gatti's Pizza has declared bankruptcy.

They're all out of dough!

What do you call Santa after he declares bankruptcy?

Saint Nickeless

Swiss Cheese was recently declared the official cheese of the Catholic Church.

It’s the holiest of cheeses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the Hacker group Anonymous just declared war on ISIS and Al-Queida

Quite ironic that terrorists will be killed by 72 virgins.

Remember, men, when your wife declares her intention to learn how to drive,

Don't stand in her way.

With Biden declared the winner, regardless of what side of the political spectrum you’re on, I think we can all safely say...

Thanks, Obama.

50 cent declares bankrupcy...

he hasnt got a dollar to his name

The year is 1799. Napoleon is strategizing with his advisors. A map of Europe is on the table before them...

Napoleon says "Behold, Gentlemen! Our destiny lies within our grasp!"

One advisor asks "What is your plan, General?"

Napoleon slams his fist on the table. "All of Europe will fall to our forces. We shall take it piece by piece until our empire is established. My first step will be to u...

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that ...

Catalonia declared independence. What now?

Everybody expects the Spanish imposition.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Obama, Putin and Merkel at the baltic sea

Obama declares: Our submarines can stay submerged for ten days before needing air.

Putin promptly says: That's nothing. Russian submarines can stay submerged for up to a month.

Merkel is embarrassed and stays silent.

Suddenly a submarine emerges. The hatch opens and the man y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found…

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing,
the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family oriented and held women...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President Trump has declared Palestine "not a Shithole Nation".

"It's a Shithole Territory"

So Canada has declared that they aren’t sending athletes to the Olympics this year.

Why start now?

Southern States Have Declared A Shift In Strategy to Encourage Their Residents To Wear Masks

KKK members are now permitted to wear their masks in public places

The British weather has just been declared Muslim

A little bit Sunni but mostly Shiite

After a large drive towards renewable energy... America has declared they will now invade the Netherlands...

To steal their wind!

Paraguay Declares War on China

One day Paraguay decides to declare war on china and they send a message to the Chinese saying:
"Watch your back, we're declaring war against you. We have 105 tanks, 47 planes that can actually fly, 4 boats that can sail, and 5200 soldiers."

The Chinese write back "We accept. But we have 1...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar

A Jew, Muslim and Christian are in a bar. They are arguing about which religion is the best at recruiting new followers. In the end they all decide to each go into the woods over the week and find a bear. They are then to try and convert that bear to their religion.
A week goes by and they all me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times tha...

At the border, a man drives up on his bicycle with a sack on the luggage rack.

Customs officer: "Do you have something to declare?"

Man: "No."

Customs officer: "And what do you have in the sack?"

Man: "Sand."

During the check it turns out: actually sand.

Every day for a whole week the man comes with the bike and the sack on the luggage rack. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband comes home after getting fired from the pickle factory...

his wife asks, what the hell happened?! He says "I got caught sticking my dick in the pickle slicer." "Dear lord!" she declares. "Are you OK?" "Yea, I'm totally fine." he says. "Was the pickle slicer turned on?" she says, to which the husband replied "Yea, she loved it."

Open and Shut

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds."

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but no...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why girls don't have willys

Little brother came into the kitchen and declared "mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

Donald Trump declares that supermarkets can no longer sell pizzas topped with cheese.

When an interviewer asks him why, he says that it's because he wants to make America grate again.

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

Breaking News: Coup Underway - Trump takes control of senate and declares martial law!

Oh wait... That was Palpatine.
False alarm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The elephant is vegetarian" I smugly declared as I put on my scientist's hat.

"Oh, and how would you know that?" retorted my wife, as she often does when I make such sweeping assertions.

"Well," I said, "I have examined elephant turd carefully and I have found it to be quite vegetarian."

"In fact," I unwisely continued, "If you were to pick up an elephant t...

A lawyer and his friend waiting in line inside a bank when 5 robbers declared a hold up.

The robbers told everybody to lie down and put their money and jewelries inside the bag that the robbers are carrying. Then before the robbers reach the both of them, the lawyer gave his friend $2000-

Lawyer : That's the $2000 that i owe you

A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.

The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."
The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge ...

After a whole year my school Extestentialist Club declared me...

...most likely to be

A real Picasso painting declared a forgery by a fake authenticator...

...is art officially artificial according to an artificial art official.

Two cats decided to have a swimming race across the English channel

The English cat's name was One-Two-Three, and the French cat's name was Un-Deux-Trois. They both swam as fast as they could across the Channel, but in the end, the One-Two-Three cat was declared the winner because.....

the Un-Deux-Trois cat sank! (quatre cinq)

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