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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

A man walks in a bar and shouts “free beers outside!” So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!”

The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”

An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted…

"Nobody move!"

Thinking about when the kids were young and I'd come home from work each day. The kids were always excited that Daddy was home, and naturally jumped up and down shouting, "DADDY'S HOME!!! DADDY'S HOME!!!"

Thinking about when the kids were young and I'd come home from work each day. The kids were always excited that Daddy was home, and naturally jumped up and down shouting, "DADDY'S HOME!!! DADDY'S HOME!!!"

I think every daddy has had that greeting. After all, anybody can be a father, but it t...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”

Robber runs into a real estate agents office and shouts

Nobody move

I read this joke when i was a kid, its funny every time. It goes like: A Kid ran to his mother shouting...

"Mother, Mother.. there is a Dog outside our house and its the size of an Elephant!!"

The Mother replies " Son, i told you 5000,000 times, don't over exaggerate things too much."

I once rode my car right into a group of people after shouting “I’m literally about to drive right into you guys!”

I guess they caught my drift.

Shout out to my wife for explaining the word "many" to me

It means a lot

Shout out to my fingers

I could always count on them.

"Stop! Thief!" shouted the fishmonger.

"Don't move a mussel."

Yesterday my wife shouted down to me from up stairs. ‘Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest, like someone’s got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it with a needle?’

'No,' I called back.

She shouted, ‘How about now?’

11 years today my best friend Simon came running out shouting it’s a boy!

We never went back to Thailand again

A Man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '

.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.

A shout out to the guy who played the triangle with our band for the last few years...

... thanks for every ting.

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13... 13... 13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting, "14.... 14... 14..."

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Shout out to old people

otherwise they can't hear shit

It always bugs me when my girlfriend shouts out other guy’s names out in bed...

But it annoys me even more when the guys reply.

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It’s just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during sex.

I accidentally shouted out my sister’s name last week…

My mum was not happy!

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

“Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter....

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In 1937, a man stands at the Red Square and shouts: "Down with a tyrant with a moustache!".

Beria, who walked nearby, overheard it, arrested the man and brought him in front of Stalin.

- Comrade, who did you have in mind when you said "Down with the tyrant with a moustache!""? - Stalin asks.

- Well of course i meant Hitler!

- Very good, comrade, you are free to go....

A saw an old man in the park shouting "Come here, Tony Montana! Come here!"...

When a dog came running I had to go up and ask him if he really named his dog Tony Montana?

- Yes, I named him that since all he does is quote the movie Scarface.

I got a confused look on my face and asked if he was serious?

- Hey, I'll prove it to you!

He turned to his...

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A man runs into a Doctor's office and shouts "Oi! You told my wife she has a nice fanny!"

Doctor: No, I said she has acute angina...

A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”

The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.

I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out..

" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....

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The Devil tried to tempt me with a thousand naked women. I laughed and shouted "I'm homosexual you fool! Now, get thee behind me, Satan!"

...long story short, he got my soul.

Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was.

Turns out the guy's a cereal offender.

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Joe was having a beer in his town bar when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic and started shouting

"Hurry up! Your wife is cheating on your with your best friend in the woods out back!"

Joe slammed his beer glass down on the counter and stormed off to the woods, angry and furious to see it for himself

He returns after a short while, Sit on his chair and continues drinking.

...

Falling to the ground, my wife cried out, "Help me honey! I think I've really hurt my knee!" I ran towards her and shouted…

"Are Eenie, Meenie and Mo ok!?"

Q: What is a large mammal that lives in swamps and shouts obscenities at passers by?

A: The hippopottymouth

Source: friend's kid

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

Did you hear about the heavy metal band that started a huge protest but without shouting or talking? They ended up destroying a bunch of property, though...

It was a quiet riot

Once a man a was shouting at Times square " The president is an Idiot"

"The president is an Idiot" he yelled

You can't defame the president, a cop arrested him
"Hey I didn't say 'our' president, I was talking about China"

Cop replied "Shut up we know exactly which president is an Idiot"

Big shout out to my legs,

For always standing up for me.

What did the vegetable shout at a party?

Turn-ip!!!

I ran into the pub and shouted to my mate. “Dave! I’ve just saw your car being stolen."

He said “Didn’t you try to stop them?”

I said, “No, but don’t worry. I got the registration.”

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?

A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a you problem".

A crazy homeless man was in a grocery store shouting at customers

A woman was waiting to be checked out. The homeless man pointed at the older gentleman in front of him and said “Angus beef won’t help you in bed!”. The older man gathers his items and quickly leaves.

The woman gets nervous as she puts her items to be scanned. The homeless man surprisingly i...

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Little Johnny and Little Jack were playing the Penis game, a game where you shout 'penis' louder and louder.

Little Johnny: Wanna play the penis game?

Little Jack: Ok

Little Johnny: penis

Little Jack: Penis

Little Johnny: PEnis

Little Jack: PENis

Little Johnny: PENIS!

Teacher: LITTLE JOHNNY! GO TO THE FRONT OFFICE, NOW!

Little Johnny: Okay :(

-...

What did the Bihari shout at the Frenchman when he won a game of chess?

Tu-Lose Tu-Lose

My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...

...he’s really a big lyre.

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Everyone on Cell Block "D" burst into raucous laughter when one of the inmates shouted, "Joke 872!"

Then, another inmate shouted, "Joke 74!" and everyone laughed heartily.

A new inmate turned to his cellmate and asked, "What's that all about?"

"Oh," said the cellmate, "those are references to our master joke book. Instead of telling the whole joke, you just shout out the joke's numb...

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this bloke splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, "I can't swim! I can't swim!"

"It's alright, mate," I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, "It says no swimming anyway."

There’s a bloke in the pub who keeps shouting out random numbers between 0 and 36.

I think he’s got Roulette’s Syndrome.

There was a Motorcycle crash in my street I shouted “let me through “ are you a doctor they asked

I said “ no it’s my Pizza”

I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot

But then I discovered oven mitts

My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”

“Thanks, man, ” he replied, “I’ve been practising it a lot.”

A bishop walks into a bar and walks straight up to the bartender who shouts, “Hey pal! You can’t do that!"

"Bishops can only move diagonally!"

A french canadian owned a primate as pet. While walking his pet in a mixed neighbourhood, the primate snatched his car key and ran off. The guy shouted for help.

Mon Key!!!!

I was in a bar getting drunk last night, when the bartender shouted out, “Does anyone know CPR?” I shouted back, “I do, in fact, I know the entire alphabet!” Everyone in the bar laughed and laughed...

Well, all except for one guy...

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A boy was having sex with a girl on a railway track.

The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple.

Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants...

The driver sho...

I saw 2 blind guys squaring up to each for a fight I shouted

“My moneys on the one with the knife!”

You should’ve seen them both run away...

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My boss called this morning and shouted,

“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.”

“Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied.

“Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.”

So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

Shout out to Taco Bell hot sauce packets

For teaching me how to flirt!

Two Canadians Die and End Up In Hell

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hel...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm... that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

"We're losing him!" shouted the physician assistant halfway through the surgery

"Not on my watch!" shouted the surgeon.


And he runs out of the operating room.

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A father is annoyed at his son who won't stop looking at dad jokes on reddit. "Son! Get your ass down here! double time!" He shouts

As his words hit the air, His son suddenly vanishes, leaving behind only a note.

It reads: "Me and my donkey are now downstairs. The year is 4040"

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained...

“Because...he’s my newt!"

A wife hears her husband shouting at the TV from upstairs

"Don't do it you idiot", "it's a trap", "Get outta there", "You fool" he keeps on shouting at the TV. The wife calls out to him "Hey what the hell you watching". The husband says, "Oh nothing I was just watching our wedding video.

My boss stared at me coldly and grumbled, “You’re fired!" Dejected, I slowly placed my gun and badge on the table. Apparently, he wasn't finished because then he shouted...

“You’re a waiter, brah! Where did you get those!?"

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Mom comes home and as she opens the door, her son runs to her, shouting...

Son, panicking: "Mom mom! Dad hung himself in the attic!"
Mom, shocked, out of breath and words runs all panicky towards the attic...
She looks to the right, to the left, over and over again,... yet there's no sight of this dreadful act taking place.
And just as she's about to angril...

Jesus is doing a crossword when he shouts in frustration

I'm stuck on 2 across!

Two cowboys are lost in a desert. One cowboy sees a tree full of bacon and shouts, “It’s a bacon tree, we’re saved!” He runs toward the tree and gets shot.

It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a hambush.

Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived h...

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

Minutes ago , my brother ran out of the room with tears in his eyes shouting : it is a boy , it is a boy !

Dont go to Thailand , my worst trip so far !

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and...

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A famous magician is doing a show one night in front of a packed audience. All is going well, the people love his acts, until this one guy shouts "Aaahhh, that's bullshit! That's not magic, that's just tricks! Any idiot can do that!"

Unfazed, the magician continues, doing another one of his best acts until the same unruly guy shouts "Oh come on! Everybody knows that's just tricks, that's not real magic!"


The magician, a little rattled at this point, decides to pull out his best ever act, and cuts a guy in half on stag...

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

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A restaurant has a challenge: "We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill"

One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's peo...

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Two dyslexics run into a bank and shout

Air in the hands mother stickers! This is a fuck up!

One day I was walking across a bridge when I saw a man about to jump off. I immediately shouted to him, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why not?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" he asked. I asked him, "Well... are you religious or not?" "I am!", he said. "Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?" "Christian," he said.


"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" "Protestant." "Me too! Are yo...

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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

Ordered a Chinese earlier in the day. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door. I walked out to meet him and he started shouting, "Isolate isolate!"

I said, "Calm down dude, you're not that late. I only ordered it half an hour ago!"

Whenever I get very angry or if I hurt my self, I shout out the sounds of migratory birds...

...which usually leaves me apologizing to someone for using fowl language.

My wife shouted at me for calling our cat "womb-less"

I believe in calling a spayed, a spayed.

Trump visits an elementary school

Trump visits an elementary school to greet the students and teachers. He asks the students, “what do you all want to be when you grow up?”

“A farmer,” shouts one.

“An astronaut,” shouts another.

“The President of the United States,” confidently says a little girl.

“Who sa...

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"

Suddenly th...

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The indicted serial killer was asked to stand. "You are charged with murdering a young schoolteacher with a chain saw," the judge intoned. "Lying bastard!" a man shouted from the gallery.

The judge fixed the unruly fellow with a
Stern stare, but continued. "You are also
charged with murdering a housewife with a
shovel.
"Damn tightwad!" the man bellowed.
"Sir," the judge warned, "you cannot disrupt
ihe court like this. Explain these outbursts."
"I've lived next do...

Why does DJ Khaled shout his name at the beginning of the songs he produces?

So you know that it's time to change the channel.

An American and a Russian were talking in a bar

The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free.

"I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."

Hearing this the Russian smirked

"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout "...

A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

A few months ago, a time traveller ran up to someone and shouts "I need you to say the 9th letter of the alphabet and the German founder of the philosophical doctrine of transcendental idealism, or the world will fall into chaos!"

...I Kant

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

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An angry guy walks into a bar

he whips out a .44 magnum and shouts "who the hell fucked my wife", everybody is silent until a guy sitting at the back of the bar says "mate you don't have enough bullets"

A chap is flying in a hot air balloon but is lost. He sees paddy below and shouts, "Hey, do you know where I am?"

Paddy says, "You can't fool me, you're in that box."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

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Just bought my new car stereo, which is voice activated.

If I shout "country" it plays Dolly Parton, if I shout "rock" it plays Guns and Roses. I was driving through town the other day when some children ran out in front of me, I shouted "FUCKING KIDS!" and it started playing Michael Jackson.

So, A man is pulled over......

A man stops on a traffic signal and is waiting.Suddenly the police asks him to pull over.He pulls over the car and and the police sees that the man is wearing his seatbelt and looks fine.

The police is satisfied and pleased to see a good samaritan.He hands the man $100 and says:

Police...

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, f...

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, ‟You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, ‟OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

‟No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Da...

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Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning

Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning, anticipating that he'd be getting a new Nintendo Console this year.

"Surprise!" shouted his parents. "We know you wanted video games, but we think you need to get outdoors more. We got you this set of fishing gear! Unfortunately, it was rather expe...

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?""No," replied the trainee."It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"T...

The village of idiots.

There is a village of idiots. Every month the village gathers in the town square, where 3 people from the neighboring town each bring in an object so,the town's folk can guess what it is. It's great fun for the whole town women, men, young and old alike join the festivities. The first person walks t...

A young Blonde was on vacation in Louisiana

She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I ca...

As a tennis ball falls off a table, a golf ball shouts a question, "Are you going to be ok?"

The tennis ball replies, "Of course. I'll bounce back."

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My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”

I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”

On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”


Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...

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A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

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A farmer buys a young rooster. As soon as he brings the bird to the farm, it rushes and fucks all 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed thinking about all the eggs the hens would hatch. At lunch, the rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer gets a bit worried now. The next day, he finds the rooster fucking the ducks, geese, and a parrot too which is now scaring him. Later that day, he finds the rooster l...

A wife is shouting at her husband about not helping her with chores

- I'm cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, while you are sitting all day, waiting for me to bring you a beer. What kind of a husband are you?
- A patient one.

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Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

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Dave loses his Licence

There was this guy David, just turned eighteen, the last three months all he's been talking about is his birthday, about tonight, all his mates are coming along to the local, his mum's coming, his dad, his sisters and brothers, guys from school, guys from work, his girlfriend, her mum, her dad, it's...

A man stood in the plane and shouted "Hijack"...

All the passengers got scared....

Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back..."Hey Dave".

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

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Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...

... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The ...

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A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of streetwalkers

Every day as he passes them, they wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi there, little boyyy". One day the boy stops and asks one of them why they always wave at him with their pinkies. She replies, "Well... that's what size we imagine your penis to be. It's just a joke!"

The next day on...

drunken man stumbles out of a bar and, gets on the greyhound late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts,

"Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

A guy enters a bank and shouts "The money or else I'll tear down my mask!"

The teller says: "You prefer Canadian dollar, right?"

I think my optometrist is evil. When I went for an appointment he came out to the waiting room and shouted:

You'll see! You'll all see!

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

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An elderly British couple are vacationing in Africa.

An elderly British couple have just arrived in Africa for a safari vacation and are being shuttled by taxi to their hotel. They drive by a rural village, and a man is outside, completely naked, with a ruler up against his penis.

"Blimey!" exclaims the wife, "what on earth is that bloke doing!...

A zoo’s only gorilla dies...

so the zookeeper hires an actor to wear a gorilla costume until the zoo can get another one.

In the gorilla pen the actor makes faces, beats his chest, swings around, and soon draws a huge crowd. Encouraged, he then crawls atop a beam across the lion’s enclosure, taunting the animal below. ...

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Dave cannot make his wife orgasm, so he goes to the doctor for some advice.

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you h...

A man is drowning in the Mississippi river...

A man is drowning in the Mississippi river and screams for help. Two police officers are standing nearby, but they are just ignoring him. The man does not know, what to do, and so with his last attempt, shouts: "The president is an idiot!". Immediately after the police officers heard this, they pull...

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A man walks into a cheese shop

"Welcome to the towns greatest cheese shop. We have all that you might want. So, what will it be?" asks the clerk.

"Nacho cheese" responds the man

Suddenly angry, the clerk shouts at the man: "Then why the fuck are you here!"

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So a British SAS squadron and an American Marine squadron are arguing together who are the bravest soldiers...

A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces. The Ameri...

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Three young boys wander into a pharmacy...

The first one: "I wanna have the pink sweets with the jelly filling for 10p"

The old pharmacist pulls out a ladder and climbs the shelf to the top, opens the glass of candy and takes out 6 goodys, climbes down, packs them and hands them to the boy.

"So what do you want?" he asks the se...

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A wizard walked up to three men on the street.

The wizard said “I put a spell on you three. Whenever you run and jump while shouting something that you want, you will get what you shouted.”
The three men were very excited.
The first man ran and jumped while shouting “money!”. A big stack of money appeared in front of him.
The second ma...

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with...

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board.

He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he ...

A plane was traveling across the Atlantic...

...when there was an explosion from one of the engines.

Pilot: "I'm afraid we're all gonna crash and die because it's just too heavy to keep it in the air."

Despite throwing all unnecessary items from the plane, it still descended rapidly.

Suddenly, a Frenchman stood up and shou...

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In the recreation room of a psychiatric hospital, there were three patients

...named Jimmy, Freddy, and Sonny. The doctor visited them to check if their condition has improved and if they're ready to be discharged.

He first went to Jimmy. Jimmy was writing something on a notebook. He asked "What are you doing, Jimmy?" Jimmy replied "I'm writing a poem, doctor." The...

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Farmer John and his wife Mary lived on a big piece of land in the middle of Ohio.

They did pretty well for themselves, but as all affluent farmers will know, farming is not easy money. After a few years of living together and working very hard, their marriage started to fall apart. Being just as determined to keep their marriage together as they were to keep their farm running, t...

I saw my wife drunk and shouting at the TV

I saw my wife drunk and shouting at the TV: "Don't go in there! Are you stupid‽ You mustn't set foot in that church!"

She's watching our wedding video again.

The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, ...

Billy saw the barn was ablaze, sprinted down the street, burst into a bar room full of gunslingers and shouted "Fire! Fire!"

And they did.

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How do you get four old ladies to shout “Fuck”?

Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo!

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

I used to be a body guard for Donald Trump

One day, an assassination attempt took place, and when the man tried to shoot, I shouted "Mickey Mouse!".

After the attempt, Trump asked why I shouted Mickey Mouse, to which I replied "sorry, I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck!'"

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