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Swan Jokes

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

How does a Swan eat backwards?

It nawS.

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The Swan?

A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their f...

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What can a swan do that a dentist can't?

Stick its bill up its ass.

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

Thomas Edison needed Nikolai Tesla, Joseph Swan, James Bowman Lindsay etc to invent the light bulb.

Many hands make light work.

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58pm

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

Three Ducks are in Court

They are about to take to the stand against Judge Swan.

The first duck steps up.

“What is your name and why are you here?”, said Judge Swan

“My name is Quack and I’m here for blowing bubbles in the pond”

Judge Swan waves her hand, signaling for the next duck.

The...

Three ducks went to jail

When they arrived, a large swan approached them. "What's your story?" He asked.

The first one said "I'm Huey, I'm not sure what I did wrong. I was just blowing bubbles in the pond."

The second one then steps forward and says "Hey, I'm Dewey. I was also blowing bubbles in the pond."...

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So a guy and a girl are on a date, when they walk past a pond with swans in it.

The girl turns to the guy and says “I can talk to animals.” The guy looks at the girl and says “I gotta see this!” So the girl turns to the swans and says,

“HEY SWANS, FUCK YOU!”

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two nurses

Two nurses were in the hospital talking about the new patient in room 302.


The first nurse said: "You'll never believe it about the guy in 302! I was giving him a sponge bath and I saw that he had the word 'Swan' tattooed on his penis! That's crazy!"
The second nurse said: "Tha...

A young blind man is staring vacantly at the dairy aisle at the grocers.

A staff member comes up and asks if she can help him.

“Yes, ma’am. Can you tell me what milk is?” She seems perplexed but answers “well, milk is a white drink.”

“Ahh, now I know what a drink is… but what is white?” The woman is further unsure of the whole situation but thinks and says ...

Have you seen the ballet Frog Lake?

It's toad-ally like Swan Lake but with more leaping.

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The bravest (long joke)

Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members.

"Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young ...

The white-throated dipper is the national bird of Norway, the mute swan is Denmark's, and the blackbird is Sweden's,

these are the Scandinavians.

In chef school, I was given an in depth lesson on cooking young swans.

In no time at all my preparation was so good, it became my signet-ure dish.

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A Man is on a date with a woman

and they pass by a pond that has swans in it. The woman tells the man that she can speak to animals. The man thinks to himself, wow I can't believe it. He tells her,
"Prove it."
So, she turns to the swan that is resting by the shore of the pond and yells,"Hey swan, fuck you!"

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There were two guys at a rooftop bar. The first says "you see this beer in my hand? Three swigs of this can make me fly around this building." He takes three swigs, does a swan dive off the roof and flies around it.

As he settles to the ground the second man exclaimed "I need some of that!" The first man gives him the bottle which he takes three drinks from. The second man does an identical swan dive and falls to his death. The waiter approaches and exclaims, "HOLY CRAP SUPERMAN, WHAT THE HELL!"

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A dad and his daughter went to a nudist beach

Once there the daughter is surprised when she sees his dick and asks "Daddy, what's that?"
A bit taken back by the question he answers, "oh, that's just a swan nesting on it's two eggs".

Happy with that explanation the kid starts playing at the beach while the father lays in the sun.
...

How do you get down off an Elephant?

You don't. You get it off of a Swan.

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A marriage counsellor is holding a group session and asks the husbands what bird would best describe their wife..

The first husband says "well my wife reminds me of a swan" .. "why is that" asks the counsellor , "because she's beautiful and graceful" replies the husband


The second husband says "I think an owl best describes my wife" "really"? says the counsellor , "yes because she is wise and int...

A Quebecker and a Newfie are sitting in a bar watching the 10 o'clock news...

... and they see a story about a man standing atop a building contemplating suicide. The Quebecker turns to the Newfie and says:

"I bet you $100 that guys going to jump."

"You're on", says the Newfie.

They watch for several more minutes, and then watch as the man swan dives to h...

3 kids were playing duck duck goose..

When all of a sudden one of them screams "Swan!!". The other two kids said "no no no that's not the game it's duck duck goose Not Swan."
The one kid Screams again "No , Swan!!"
Now frustrated the other two kids yelled "You can't play if you're not going to play it right!"
Now running and ...

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A young Indian brave spoke with his dad.

He said, "Father I want to change my name".

"Why my son? When your brother was born the first thing I saw when I stepped out of the house was a strong bull. So I named your brother, Strong Bull." The father explained.

"When your sister was born, the first thing I saw when I stepped ...

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My Dad sent me this email titled "Politically Correct Jokes"

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.



The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers .......
So I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy



My girlfriend sa...

The bar on the cliff

A man is on a walk by the coast in terrible weather, and ducks into a bar that is situated at the top of a cliff overlooking the sea to escape the rain and the wind.

He sits at the bar and orders a whiskey, and strikes up a conversation with an old man at the bar. The men talk for a couple o...

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A nurse goes to check on a patient..

She checks on her patient then quickly leaves the room. She goes to the nurses station to tell the other nurses what she has seen. Nurse says: "You'll never guess what I saw when I changed his bedpan. He has a tattoo on his penis that says 'Swan' ."

The other nurse goes in to check it out and...

Relaxing location

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going...

The creation of the woman.

When Adam roamed the garden of Eden, he saw how happy all the pairs of animals were, and he craved a partner. He prayed all day and all night, and in the end god answered his pleads and replied.

"Adam, what are you praying for?"

"Oh almighty god! I have seen the bliss of the animals of...

Two men are walking down the street when they notice an enormous hole

The hole appears bottomless and the men, being men, want to see how deep it is. They find an anvil near by, grab a side each, shuffle over to the hole and chuck it in. The anvil drops like a stone but makes absolutely no noise. The men look at each other with a puzzled expression. Suddenly they hear...

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Following a shift change at the Hospital

a rather plain looking nurse was exchanging notes with her fellow nurse who is a very, very, pretty blonde with huge tits.
"That new patient in Ward 2, bed 11; when I gave him his sponge bath today, I noticed he had the word SWAN tattooed on his penis. Rather odd, don't you think?" said the rat...

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The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

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