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Swear Word Jokes

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

If you carve a swear word into a weapon

Does that make it do curse damage?

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Struggles of passwords

"Set password:"

carrot

"Password must be at least 8 characters."

boiled carrot

"Password must contain at least 1 number."

1 boiled carrot

"Password cannot contain spaces."

50boiledcarrots

"Password must contain at least 1 capital."

50FUC...

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"The kid who didn't know what swear words are"

A young boy goes downstairs to the kitchen to find his parents fighting. The father call his mother a "Bitch". The little boy asks, "Daddy, Daddy what's a bitch?" The father's response, "Oh nothing, just a name I call your mother." The mother retaliates but calling the father a "Bastard". The boy as...

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Little Johnny's mother was upset about her son's swearing habit, so she takes him to the church.

There, the priest is waiting. After finishing her own confessions, Little Johnny's mother talks about her situation.

"I don't know what to do with my son anymore, Father," she says. "He started a while ago to say swear words, and now he is saying one in every sentence."

"Why, I have ju...

My autocorrect is finally suggesting swear words.

However, now I have to be careful when I'm actually talking to my mom about ducks.

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Abusive Children.

I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is ...

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It really annoys me when people put swear words at the end of their joke just to make it funny.

Cunts.

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Little Johnny has the foulest mouth in his first grade class

All the teachers at the school know this. One day, a teacher starts teaching her class the alphabet.

She says, "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows Johnny is going to use a swear word, so she picks someone e...

Johnny: Mum, Dad I got detention for foul language today

Mum: Oh Johnny... what swear word did you say?

Johnny: I didn't swear! All I did was speak French!

Dad: Yes, but that is indeed a foul language

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There was a 6 year old and a 4 year old brother. It was the 6 year olds birthday that day. They wake up in the morning and...

The 6 year old says to his younger brother “Hey, I think today is the day we start using swear words around Mom. After all I’m 6 now.”

The younger brother starts getting excited and says, “Ok! What swear words should we use?!”

The older brother replies with, “I’m going to say hell, and...

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Rude customer

Fellow walks into a bank.

He hasn’t had a haircut for some time. He is wearing a T shirt with food stains on it, a pair of jeans with holes and two unmatched sandals. He has a can of beer in one hand and a piece of paper in the other.

He gives a loud belch and yells « Service! »<...

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A teacher asks her class to name a word beginning with A

Little Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say something like asshole". She asks Suzanna who says "Apple". The She asks for a word beginning with B. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say bastard", so she asks Ste...

Speak Instant Irish

I got my Irish father in law with this one. He never said a swear word in his life. But I got him good.

Say the following sentence out loud and repeat it.


Whale Oil Beef Hooked

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I bought a parrot at an auction...

I bought a parrot at an auction, hoping that a companion might help me get through some tough times. The car ride home, the parrot had been quiet and an uneasy tension was building. Throughout the first night, my parrot remained quiet, but the next morning, I awoke to a machine-gun sequence of swe...

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Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

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The teacher was helping her class with the alphabet one day.

She would call on a student and ask for a word that begins with a letter of the alphabet, going in order. Every time she asked, Ralph would raise his hand but she would never call on him because she knew his word would be a swear word. She went through the entire alphabet ignoring his eagerly raised...

A woman walks past a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on display.

She looks at the price. $20. She asks the store clerk as to why the parrot was so cheap.

"Well, you see, the parrot used to belong to a grizzled old sailor who swore a lot. He has quite a vocabulary but a rather foul mouth."

She stares at the bird. Realizing just how good a dea...

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Two young brothers were up in their room...

They were three and five years old, and had just decided that they wanted to say a swear word for the first time that morning.  The older brother hatched out a plan, "When we walk downstairs, I'll say the word 'hell' in a sentence, and you say the word 'ass'."  Once the giggling and excitement waned...

The Old Macaw

A man goes to a pet store looking for a fun pet for his family. There are the typical candidates, kittens, puppies, fish, hamsters, but off in the corner is an old macaw. He asks the owner what the deal is, and the owner replies that the macaw has actually been adopted several times, but he always g...

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The Talking Parrot

A guy buys a talking parrot that knows how to day swear words and thought it would be cool. After a couple of days, the guy starts to get annoyed being cussed at constantly by the thing. "I'm gonna give you three chances to stop swearing at me or else I'll throw you in the freezer!" The parrot didn'...

A woman goes to the pet store to buy a parrot

(Long)

She walks in and the merchant shows her the only parrot they have available. "I must warn you" the merchant said, "this parrot was owned previously buy a sailor and has very foul language". Well the woman, like most of us, thought she could change the parrot so she takes the parrot hom...

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A man comes at heavens gates

A man comes at heavens gates and Moe asks him wether he has had a good life and if he had ever sinned. Well, the man replies, I have never cursed or used swear words. Ok, Moe says that’s a good beginning. And were you married? He asks. No, I was not, answers the man truthfully, but I also never had ...

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Two brothers, ages four and six, are sitting in their front yard...

The six year old says to his little brother, “hey, tomorrow morning at breakfast... let’s say swear words to mom.” The four year old likes the idea and replies, “yeahhhhhh I like that!”

So the next day at breakfast, mom comes out to the kitchen and asks the boys what they would like for break...

Lawnmower for sale

A little boy hears the doorbell and answers the door. The gentleman at the door says, "Hi, I'm here about the lawnmower that's for sale."

The little boy replies, "My parents aren't home right now, but it's in the garage if you want to look at it."

The man starts pulling the rope to mak...

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