UPJOKE
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'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot ...

My crush just sneezed and I accidentally replied "Bless you!"

Now she's staring at the bush, wondering who said that.

All blessed are the mapmakers.

They are the only ones who can draw nations closer together.

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passio...

I was so confused why there are so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa.

Then I remembered that vampires are killed by holy water.

They blessed the rains down in Africa.

A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared…..

…. readyto devour the man whole.
The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion.

The lion then drops to his knees, lo...

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I was blessed with a 9 inch cock.

The priest is in jail now.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms

The pharmacist asks "How Many"

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. So can I get 10?" The young man m...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

My wife, bless her, has stood by me for 30 years.

We've only got 1 chair.

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Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin
Usin...

A man bought himself an expensive new car

He was a superstitious fellow and wanted to keep anything bad from happening, so he invited a priest, an imam and a rabbi over to bless the vehicle.

First, the priest sprinkled holy water on the hood.

Next, the imam led everyone in a prayer to the vehicles' greatness.

Then final...

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Starbucks and the Pope

Starbucks manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Starbucks official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day...

Once a man was walking through the forest until...

A bear suddenly came out from the bushes. It started chasing the man. The man turned around and saw the bear chasing him, and he began to run. As they ran, the bear started getting closer and closer to him. It licked its lips as it saw its prey getting closer. All of a sudden, the man tripped and th...

Two brothers from Ethiopia

Two brothers from Ethiopia opened up this place selling camel’s milk. They brought their own camels, all the way from Ethiopia. I was interested, so I paid them a visit.

They happened to be milking the camels when I came in. It wasn’t what I expected. Nagasi wiped his brow and cried out, “Sa...

Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe

Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

My grandfather never threw anything away. Bless him.

He even died, holding on to a grenade in the war.

A father heard his daughter praying inside her room...

Daughter: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, Goodbye grandpa..."
Dad: Honey, why did you say "goodbye grandpa"?
Daughter: I don't know daddy, it just feels right.

The grandpa died the following day but that dad thought it's just a coincidence.
One week later, he he...

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A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

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At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.

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Bless my dad, he would've been celebrating his 70th birthday today.

If he wasn't such a depressing bastard.

Putin was Giving a Speech to his Soldiers

When all of the sudden in the midst of a particularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Putin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?...".

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them ...

Blessed are the poor

For they pay no inheritance tax.

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There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time, he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy, they were going to name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for...

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Bless me father for I have sinned

A man walks into a confession booth.

He says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."

The priest there says to him, "Speak my child."

The man says, "Well father I lived in Hamburg during the Second World War. The Gestapo was searching for Jews to send to concentration camps, an...

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one:

The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. ...

If I ever tell you bless you...

you better say "thank you" and not "why are you in my closet with an AK-47?"

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Bless you

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tiss...

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings...

One by one...

As each relative goes home.

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When I was a younger lad I was blessed with an 8 1/2" penis

Unfortunately it belonged to father O'Malley

Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point...

... so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.

Eventual...

Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse...

On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.

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stalin is in a huge auditorium giving a speech,

when from somewhere near the front of the crowd comes a DEAFENING sneeze, cutting him off. In a booming voice Stalin asks, "WHO DID THAT?"

No reply.

Stalin orders the entire front row to be taken outside and executed. Thereafter he continues his speech, until another ear-splitting ACHO...

Bless you son!!!

(Perhaps a repost, but I heard it for the first time. So here it goes)

A small boy talking to his mother while his dad sits nearby.

Boy: Mom, I want to marry 3 girls when I grow up.

Mom: 3 girls!! But why son?

Boy: One to cook food for me, one to do my laundry and one to ...

A lawyer and a priest are walking down the street, when the lawyer sneezes. "Bless you", says the priest.

The lawyer promptly burst into flames.

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Sneezes just went from bless you to fuck you real quick.

Achoo.

Bless the wife of Richard Cheese

He always wondered why she complained about going down on him.

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

This Corona virus is a blessing

My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.

She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.

she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.

she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.

Best thing that has ever happened in my life.

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George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

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A drunk stumbles into a confessional...

A drunk stumbles into a confessional after a midday binge. The priest, hearing the commotion on the other side of the divider, assumes the man is having quite the crisis and patiently waits for him to sit down and begin.



After a few moments of silence, to encourage the man to begin hi...

An Atheist Walking In The Woods Is Chased By A Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He...

Bless You

I just made a big mistake. My ex-girlfriend came out of her house to have a smoke and she sneezed.

I said, "Bless You"

She looked and looked, but luckily it was dark and she couldn't find my hiding place.

Three Guys Are Waiting in Line at The Pearly Gates...

Saint Peter calls the first guy up. He looks over the man's life history and says, "It looks here, like you lived a decent life. You never cheated on your wife... but you thought about it. A lot. Seems you probably would have, if given the chance. You can go on in, and here are the keys to your...

A dad walks by his son's bedroom...

And hears the kid praying. "God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa." The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed. The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but decides i...

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A dad overhears his daughter...

One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said "bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad". He found this weird but didn't say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially, but chalked it up to coinc...

How can you tell if being a suicide bomber really guarantees you blessings in the afterlife?

You have to C4 yourself

Rich people start their meals by saying "Bless us oh Lord for these thine gifts..."

Poor people say "Ramen."

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope....

I gave them away. I hate religious nuts.

What do you call a blessed blanket?

Holy sheet!

God bless you son

5 year old son after reading story of a king.

Son:Mom, I also want 5 wives..one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son
...

A friend asked me if I felt especially blessed to have the privilege of cleaning out Catwoman's toilet...

"Halle loo, yeah!"

Person 1: God bless America.

Person 2: Why, did it sneeze?

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Two snakes bump into each other after a long time

After intial pleasantries one snake confesses that he is struggling with his failing eyesight.

The other snake suggests an eye doctor who he is sure can help the other snake improve his eye sight. They exchange addresses and part ways.

After few weeks they bump into one another again.<...

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.


One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"


The man says, "I should have taken the money."

Bless me father for I have

Sneezed

Priorities

A guy starts his new job and makes it a habit to get coffee from the nearby cafe and give some of the change to the same homeless guy. As the time progressed the homeless guy notices that over the years the amount he received was going down. He stops the guy one day and asks if everything is going ...

Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.

Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.

Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.

"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!"...

I ran into a buddy in town earlier today. He only has one arm God bless him, lost it in Iraq.

Anyway I asked him where he was off to.

"To change a light bulb" he replies.

"Won't that be difficult?" I ask.

"Nah" he says, "I've still got the receipt".

One evening a father overheard his daughter saying her prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his daughter saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting mor...

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I was blessed with a rather large penis.

That's when my local priest was arrested.

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A priest and a pretty nun ride the bus home….

The priest approaches the nun and says “excuse me sister of the cloth, I don’t suppose you would give me a blowjob?”

Shocked, the nun replies “father, I cannot, I am devoted to god and my body belongs to him and him alone”

She hurries off the bus in disgust.

The bus arrives at t...

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My Grandfather is getting old, it's sad he can't do the things he used to do, bless him

You know, bomb the Japanese.

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Golf humor

A man in his mid-twenties entered a confessional, made the sign of the cross, and announced, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been three years since my last confession.” The priest replied, “What is your sin, my child?”
“Well,” the young man began, “I used profane language and I feel ter...

Stalin was giving a speech

And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed?

No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row.

'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Shoo...

What do you call an avocado thats been blessed by Pope Francis?

Holy Guacamole.

Airplanes are a blessing in disguise

*clears throat*

Excuse me...

A blessing in the skies.



It’s better said than typed :/

i bless the rains down in

ah frick... uh... i forget the words guys

If you get a priest to bless vodka and drink it...

Are you filled with the Holy Spirit?

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“God bless you.”

3 sisters were sitting in the porch drinking mint juleps.
Mary says, “My husband loves me so much, he built me a beautiful house with a wrap-around porch! Mable says, “That’s nice.” Irma says, “Bless your heart.”
Mable says, “My husband loves me so much, he bought me a brand new Cadilla...

My grandmother is pushing ninety. She's so strong, bless her.

It's just annoying that the bus had to break down.

What did Reverend Rabbit say before blessing his meal ?

Lettuce Pray.

Jesus said, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

But I think it'd be nice if God let everyone see him, regardless if you have a coronary blockage.

Oh my good and fellow Christians! It has been foretold our Lord and savior will once again rise from the dead and bless us all this Easter!

April Fools!

Two men and a blonde are the next 3 up on death row

The warden approaches the first man and asks him which way he would like to go. “The firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?” The man thinks about what the best way to go would be and after some thing he chooses the chair. After being brought into the room, the operator flips the switch and after ...

A man sneezes in a confessional.

Priest: ...

Man: "bless me father for I have sneezed"

Priest: \*trying not to chuckle\*

Man: \*tries to explain he didn't know he was sick\* ... "it has been 6 weeks since my last congestion"

A mixed blessing...

Many professionals are getting hurt by this quarantine, but at least hookers aren’t getting screwed!

A man and a woman in their 50's are out to dinner...

The wife asks, "Honey, when I die, would you ever re-marry?"

The husband replies "I might, but only if I had your blessing..."

The wife says "Of course, my love - but would you let her drive my prized Mercedes??"

The man reassures her saying "No, I would never let another woman ...

Why isn't God blessing America?

Because it's rude to sneeze without covering your face.

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A father hears his daughter praying

A father hears his daughter praying.
Daughter: God bless mama, god bless Daddy, god bless grandma and goodbye grandpa!
Father: why did you say goodbye grandpa?
Daughter: idk it felt right.
Next day grandpa drops dead. The father thought it was just a freaky coincidence
A week later ...

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I was blessed with a 10 inch penis when I was 12 years old...

...I really hope that creepy-ass priest is still in jail.

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



A woman goes to a church and confesses to the priest there. "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have seen another man's privates."

The priest tells her, "For your penance, say one Our Father, two Hail Mary's, and wash your face with holy water."

Another woman walks in and tells the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have touched another man's privates."

The priest replies, "Say two Our Father's, fiv...

May god bless German engineering, Italian cooking, and English humor.

And may god damn Italian engineering, English cooking, and German humor.

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My niece was born with no eyelids, bless her heart, but the doctors were able to replace them with surgically removed foreskin...

Only side effect is she's a little cock-eyed now.

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

A religious man was thinking about how good his wife was to him, so he prayed to god to give thanks.

To the man’s astonishment, the booming voice of god spoke to him.

**Man:** God, I’m so grateful that you gave me my wife. If I may ask, my Lord, why did you make her so beautiful?

**God:** I made her so beautiful so that you could love her, my son.

**Man:** And why did you mak...

Confessional

A Man walked into a Washington D.C. Catholic Church Confessional. He tells the Priest: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned”. Last night, I killed a Congressman. The Priest responds: "Son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not discuss your community service work!"

Speeding Pope

A guy gets a job as a high profile chauffeur and his first assignment is to pick up the Pope from the airport.
"You know," begins the Pope, "they never let me drive myself back at the Vatican. What do you say I drive a few blocks then you can take over?"
After arguing for a while, the chauffeu...

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At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says

"Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."

He then proceeds to bless the wine and says,

"Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,

"You can fuck off."

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

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