I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at the local swimming pools today

And decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The life guard must’ve noticed.

He blew his whistle so fucking loud I almost fell in.

so this shark swims into a bar...

"Arggg!", he yelled. "I'm such a klutz!"

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "Dam."

Why aren't accountants ever invited to company swim parties?

Their job requires that they point out any shrinkage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do sharks swim in saltwater?

Because pepperwater makes them sneeze

What is yellow and cant swim?

A bus full of children

A priest and a rabbi go to a remote lake for a swim.

All of a sudden, two buses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi’s congregation and out of the other pours the priest’s congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it.

The priest, running with his hand...

I asked my coach if he thought I'd win today's swim meet.

He said to me "don't hold your breath, kid"

So I drowned.

Two prawns called Christian and Terry are out for their morning swim.

Soon they happen upon a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wi...

"So, you're telling me you're in the navy yet you don't know how to swim?"

"Buddy, you're in the air-force. Do you know how to fly?"

Why do squirrels swim on their back?

To keep their nuts dry

Minecraft is Racist

Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water--they can't swim.

Why do some fish swim in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

What hormones does a fish use to swim in a house?

Indoor Fins

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

A young man wants to join the Navy. "Can you swim?" the recruiter asks him.

"Why, don't you have boats?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do seals swim in saltwater?

because it's a "sealion" solution

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

What do you call a Greek primordial god who can't swim?

Titanic

So my niece asked me if they have to swim to get in the Navy.

I couldn't figure it out, but I guessed she thought about it after my nephew declared that he was going into the Marines and stole her crayons.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘d...

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge, when suddenly a bald old woman appears.

"I am the witch who guards this bridge. Ye may only pass if you present to me a challenge which I cannot do."

The Englishman steps up first:

"I was the best footballer in my h...

Why do koi always swim in groups of 4?

So that while the A koi, B koi and C koi escape the predator will always go for the D koi

The French and the British decided to have two cats swim a race across the English Channel...

They named the French cat "un deux trois cat" and the British, "one two three cat."

Which cat made it across first?

The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux trois cat cinq.

A fish swims into a wall....

Dam!

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim

When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to hea...

Octopus 1: "What should I do if I can't swim?"

Octopus 2: "Use ink if you can't float"

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three girls decide to swim across a long lake.

They want to find out which swimming style is better. So they each choose a different stroke. The race starts and all three start giving it their all not paying too much attention to the others. The brunette uses the front stroke and comes in first by about 5 mins. The red head shows up doing the ba...

Did you know you have to swim to get into Scottish Houses?

It's because there's always a loch on the door! :D

What's the difference between swim wear for men and swim wear for women?

Men's swimwear is designed for swimming.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black family of 5 lives by a magical river that turns black people to white people...

...when you swim across it. First the mother jumps in and swims across. When she comes out she turns white.

She yells to her husband, "Honey, it worked! Swim across!"

The father jumps in and swims across and he too turned white when he got out.

They then say come on kids! The t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two liars went for a swim.

Now these two were a dad and his son. The dad climbed a boulder and proceeded to dive into the water. He got his foot stuck between some rocks and struggled to release his feet for around 2 minutes before swimming back to the surface.

Son: You were under for quite a while there. What happene...

How are women like swimming pools?

They both cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a sw...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Shark and his Son

A shark and his son are swimming around in the water when they see some scuba divers.
The young shark says to his father, " let's go eat them".

The father tells his son, " this is not the way of sharks. First we swim around them three times, then we eat them"

The son asks, " why ...

Why don't Bluetooth devices swim?

Because they're always trying to sync.

(My dad wrote this joke, just wanted to share it somewhere)

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.

Why do hipsters only swim in tributaries?

Because they’re not main stream.

There's two cats, and both have to swim across a lake.

The first cats name is One, two, three, while the second cats name is Un, deux, trois. Which cat makes it to the other side of the lake?

One, two, three makes it across because Un, deux trois, quatre, cinq.

This is by far one of the worst jokes I've ever heard and you can only underst...

What's big and grey and can't swim?

A parking lot.

Where is the most dangerous place to swim?

Hepatitis C.

Tom, Mike, and Joe survive a plane crash and swim to a nearby island.

Mike doesn't speak English very well. Joe Immediately starts giving orders to both of them: "Tom, go and find some branches so we can start a fire, Mike, try and find supplies. I will try to find some food." So they all split up. After a few hours, Joe and Tom went back to the place they made their ...

A Blonde is driving through rural farm country and sees another blond rowing a boat in the middle of a cornfield...

She pulls to the side of the road and yells "Hey, what the hell are you doing out there?"

The blonde in the boat stops rowing and stands up. "What does it look like I'm doing, I'm going to work!"

Puzzled the blonde in the car gets out and walks to the side of the road and yells, "You k...

Why do all lawyers swim naked?

The lake of fire keeps burning their swimsuits off.

Where does a Muslim learn to swim?

Inshallah water.

I told my son that we were going out into the ocean for a swim.

He said, "What if I don't want to swim?"

"That's fine," I said. "You can drown instead."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a race between a brunette, a redhead and a blond to swim

There was a race between a brunette, a redhead and a blond to swim from the mainland to Vancouver Island, doing only the breaststroke.

After about 14 hours the brunette staggered up on shore and was declared the winner.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up to the finish line ...

A man was stranded on deserted island..

..for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!”

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl u...

An elderly man in Louisiana ...

... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two soldiers are sitting on opposite sides of a river

They do not understand each other's language. The one on the east side(american) calls to the other "how did you get over there did you parachute or did you swim?" All the while he made a signal with his arms of a parachute coming down and swung his arms as if swimming. Then he proceeds to say "I se...

Where does Thanos like to swim?

In the Infinity Pool.

Why does no one swim in the western coast of South America?

Because the water is Chile

My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard...

It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!

What do you call a person swimming in Paris' waters in winter?

In *Seine*.

I could never date someone who swims in the kiddy pool...

They're just too shallow for me

What is yellow, has one arm and can't swim?

- an excavator

Do you think that's funny?
Well, the excavator operator doesn't

Why Do Squirrels Swim On Their Back?

To Keep Their Nuts Dry. (Told in school assembly today by a 13 year old student)

3 blonde women are on one side of a river...

...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get...

My wife said to me the other day "For the last time I am on my period and I am NOT getting into the water to swim!"

She totally ruined my shark fishing trip.

This girl said she could see a bulge in my swim shorts and I was flattered.

I looked down at my crotch and she said, "The other side."

Two sardines swim at the bottom of the sea. A submarine goes by. — Heavens! What’s that?

— Just a can of people.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Swim Race

A local pool was holding a swim meet for the disabled. There were three contestants, one man had no arms, one man had no legs, and one man was just a disembodied head.

The contestants got up on their blocks and prepared for the race. The starting pistol fired and the three men dove into the ...

A clownfish swims into an underwater ocean bar.

If you're reading this, you've been in a coma for almost 10 years now. We're trying a new technique. We don't know where this message will end up in your dream, but we hope we're getting through.

Not Here To Swim...

My uncle Mike owns hundreds of acres of land. In a back corner of that land there is a small lake surrounded by peach trees. One day he decides he'll pick some peaches and relax by the water. So he grabs a peach bucket and starts toward the lake. As he gets closer he hears women screaming and thinki...

Imagine if oars could swim?

Wouldn't that be oar-swam?

I'm so sorry...

Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge

Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge?

Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge.

Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a guy who can swim without using his arms and legs?

A clever dick

Someone asked a ship captain if the rumor that he can't swim is true.

"Yes," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

A woman walks up to a guy in blue swimming trunks and says, "Your eyes match your swim trunks!"

He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An eccentric billionaire throws a lavish party...

Please bear with me as I heard/read this one years ago so I might not recall the details correctly:

An eccentric billionaire is throwing a lavish party with guests from all over the world. As the party is well under way he asks his guests to walk over to his Olympic sized swimming pool where ...

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.

Why do fish swim in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

When I was a kid my dad threw me into a lake to teach me how to swim

It would have been easier had he not put me in the duffle bag first.

What is Justin Timberlake's favourite place to swim in Europe?

Crimea River

Why do seagulls swim by the sea and not by the bay?

Then they'd be bagels!

Sea lions can run and swim faster than humans

Which means when you compete against one in a triathlon you really need to make up time on the cycling.

A man has an allergic reaction...

So he decides to go to the doctor to see what the problem is. The doctor runs some tests and tells the man
"I've got good news and bad news. Bad news is you're allergic to peas, but the good news is it is curable, and with monthly treatment your allergy should be gone in about 7 years."
"Grea...

How many men from the US swim team does it take to open a door?

Just one if its lochte'd