Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

Which dog knows how to swim underwater?

Scuba-doo

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the beach on a summer day, you'll find many different swim techniques: backstroke, frontstroke, breaststroke, etc.

I, for one, am the master of the heat stroke

A gold fish swims into a bar

"Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender. "Anything else?" He asks? "Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender. "Anything else?" He asks? "Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender....

I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

A man attempts to swim across the Atlantic Ocean

A man tried to swim across the Atlantic Ocean. He left New York and headed for England. He battled rough seas, strong currents, and freezing cold water. After 6 months, he was within one mile of England when realized he was just too exhausted to make it to shore. So he swam back.

Why did the ohm swim to the other side of the river?

Because there was too much resistance.

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead come to a raging river.

They meet a wish granting wizard just before it. The brunette goes first, “I wish to be strong enough to swim across.” She grows bug muscles and swims across.
The readhead next, “I wish to be handy enough to build a boat to get a cross.” Her wish is is granted, she cuts down a tree hollows it in...

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A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

Hey man you just have to believe in yourself and even if you can't swim yet, you can wade through the water head up high...

Nope, I am only 4'10 and this is deep.

What is big, yellow, and can’t swim?

A school-bus.

What is yellow and can't swim?

An excavator.


And why?


It only has one arm.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at the local swimming pools today

And decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The life guard must’ve noticed.

He blew his whistle so fucking loud I almost fell in.

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were stranded on a desert island....

The brunette was a very intelligent woman and was able to figure out using her years of mathematical know-how, that it was 20 miles to the nearest shore and she thought she could swim it.

So off she went and made it out 5 miles and got exhausted and drowned.

After a few days the redhea...

Why aren't accountants ever invited to company swim parties?

Their job requires that they point out any shrinkage.

A priest and a rabbi go to a remote lake for a swim.

All of a sudden, two buses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi’s congregation and out of the other pours the priest’s congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it.

The priest, running with his hand...

Minecraft is Racist

Minecraft has taught me not to look tall black guys in the eye or they get aggressive. They're faster and stronger than you and they randomly steal things. However, you can escape by running to water--they can't swim.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "Dam."

so this shark swims into a bar...

"Arggg!", he yelled. "I'm such a klutz!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.

​

The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.

​

He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do sharks swim in saltwater?

Because pepperwater makes them sneeze

I asked my coach if he thought I'd win today's swim meet.

He said to me "don't hold your breath, kid"

So I drowned.

Two prawns called Christian and Terry are out for their morning swim.

Soon they happen upon a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wi...

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Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

So my niece asked me if they have to swim to get in the Navy.

I couldn't figure it out, but I guessed she thought about it after my nephew declared that he was going into the Marines and stole her crayons.

What hormones does a fish use to swim in a house?

Indoor Fins

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘d...

"So, you're telling me you're in the navy yet you don't know how to swim?"

"Buddy, you're in the air-force. Do you know how to fly?"

Why do some fish swim in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze.

A young man wants to join the Navy. "Can you swim?" the recruiter asks him.

"Why, don't you have boats?"

What do you call a Greek primordial god who can't swim?

Titanic

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do seals swim in saltwater?

because it's a "sealion" solution

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge, when suddenly a bald old woman appears.

"I am the witch who guards this bridge. Ye may only pass if you present to me a challenge which I cannot do."

The Englishman steps up first:

"I was the best footballer in my h...

Why do koi always swim in groups of 4?

So that while the A koi, B koi and C koi escape the predator will always go for the D koi

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

The French and the British decided to have two cats swim a race across the English Channel...

They named the French cat "un deux trois cat" and the British, "one two three cat."

Which cat made it across first?

The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux trois cat cinq.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Shark and his Son

A shark and his son are swimming around in the water when they see some scuba divers.
The young shark says to his father, " let's go eat them".

The father tells his son, " this is not the way of sharks. First we swim around them three times, then we eat them"

The son asks, " why ...

A fish swims into a wall....

Dam!

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim

When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to hea...

Octopus 1: "What should I do if I can't swim?"

Octopus 2: "Use ink if you can't float"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three girls decide to swim across a long lake.

They want to find out which swimming style is better. So they each choose a different stroke. The race starts and all three start giving it their all not paying too much attention to the others. The brunette uses the front stroke and comes in first by about 5 mins. The red head shows up doing the ba...

What's the difference between swim wear for men and swim wear for women?

Men's swimwear is designed for swimming.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black family of 5 lives by a magical river that turns black people to white people...

...when you swim across it. First the mother jumps in and swims across. When she comes out she turns white.

She yells to her husband, "Honey, it worked! Swim across!"

The father jumps in and swims across and he too turned white when he got out.

They then say come on kids! The t...

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Two liars went for a swim.

Now these two were a dad and his son. The dad climbed a boulder and proceeded to dive into the water. He got his foot stuck between some rocks and struggled to release his feet for around 2 minutes before swimming back to the surface.

Son: You were under for quite a while there. What happene...

How are women like swimming pools?

They both cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is sitting on the bank of a river with a turtle

And an officer from the fisheries board approached him. The officer says to the man "do you know it's illegal to poach turtles out of this river - they're an endangered species"?

The man says to the officer, "no this is my pet turtle. I bring
him down here everyday and let him go for a sw...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island

The redhead tries to swim back to land, gets a quarter of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

The brunette decides to try, swims a third of the way there, gets tired, and swims back.

Finally the blonde tries, swims half of the way there, gets tired, swims back.

Why don't Bluetooth devices swim?

Because they're always trying to sync.

(My dad wrote this joke, just wanted to share it somewhere)

There's two cats, and both have to swim across a lake.

The first cats name is One, two, three, while the second cats name is Un, deux, trois. Which cat makes it to the other side of the lake?

One, two, three makes it across because Un, deux trois, quatre, cinq.

This is by far one of the worst jokes I've ever heard and you can only underst...

Did you know you have to swim to get into Scottish Houses?

It's because there's always a loch on the door! :D

A Blonde is driving through rural farm country and sees another blond rowing a boat in the middle of a cornfield...

She pulls to the side of the road and yells "Hey, what the hell are you doing out there?"

The blonde in the boat stops rowing and stands up. "What does it look like I'm doing, I'm going to work!"

Puzzled the blonde in the car gets out and walks to the side of the road and yells, "You k...

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

Where is the most dangerous place to swim?

Hepatitis C.

An elderly man in Louisiana ...

... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there f...

Tom, Mike, and Joe survive a plane crash and swim to a nearby island.

Mike doesn't speak English very well. Joe Immediately starts giving orders to both of them: "Tom, go and find some branches so we can start a fire, Mike, try and find supplies. I will try to find some food." So they all split up. After a few hours, Joe and Tom went back to the place they made their ...

I told my son that we were going out into the ocean for a swim.

He said, "What if I don't want to swim?"

"That's fine," I said. "You can drown instead."

Where does Thanos like to swim?

In the Infinity Pool.

Where does a Muslim learn to swim?

Inshallah water.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a race between a brunette, a redhead and a blond to swim

There was a race between a brunette, a redhead and a blond to swim from the mainland to Vancouver Island, doing only the breaststroke.

After about 14 hours the brunette staggered up on shore and was declared the winner.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up to the finish line ...

Why do all lawyers swim naked?

The lake of fire keeps burning their swimsuits off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two soldiers are sitting on opposite sides of a river

They do not understand each other's language. The one on the east side(american) calls to the other "how did you get over there did you parachute or did you swim?" All the while he made a signal with his arms of a parachute coming down and swung his arms as if swimming. Then he proceeds to say "I se...

My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard...

It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!

A man was stranded on deserted island..

..for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!”

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl u...

3 blonde women are on one side of a river...

...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get...

My wife said to me the other day "For the last time I am on my period and I am NOT getting into the water to swim!"

She totally ruined my shark fishing trip.

I could never date someone who swims in the kiddy pool...

They're just too shallow for me

This girl said she could see a bulge in my swim shorts and I was flattered.

I looked down at my crotch and she said, "The other side."

Imagine if oars could swim?

Wouldn't that be oar-swam?

I'm so sorry...

What do you call a person swimming in Paris' waters in winter?

In *Seine*.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Swim Race

A local pool was holding a swim meet for the disabled. There were three contestants, one man had no arms, one man had no legs, and one man was just a disembodied head.

The contestants got up on their blocks and prepared for the race. The starting pistol fired and the three men dove into the ...

Not Here To Swim...

My uncle Mike owns hundreds of acres of land. In a back corner of that land there is a small lake surrounded by peach trees. One day he decides he'll pick some peaches and relax by the water. So he grabs a peach bucket and starts toward the lake. As he gets closer he hears women screaming and thinki...

A clownfish swims into an underwater ocean bar.

If you're reading this, you've been in a coma for almost 10 years now. We're trying a new technique. We don't know where this message will end up in your dream, but we hope we're getting through.

Two sardines swim at the bottom of the sea. A submarine goes by. — Heavens! What’s that?

— Just a can of people.

A woman walks up to a guy in blue swimming trunks and says, "Your eyes match your swim trunks!"

He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a guy who can swim without using his arms and legs?

A clever dick

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An eccentric billionaire throws a lavish party...

Please bear with me as I heard/read this one years ago so I might not recall the details correctly:

An eccentric billionaire is throwing a lavish party with guests from all over the world. As the party is well under way he asks his guests to walk over to his Olympic sized swimming pool where ...

When I was a kid my dad threw me into a lake to teach me how to swim

It would have been easier had he not put me in the duffle bag first.

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.