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A rabbi and a priest wanted to go for a swim at the beach, but did not have bathing suits with them...

The priest turns to the rabbi and says "why don't we just swim naked, there's no one around, and we'll keep it between ourselves".

The rabbi sees no problem with the idea, and agrees.

Once naked, the rabbi and the priest start walking towards the water, when suddenly out of nowhere see...

My friend told me he put a potato down his swim trunks and now the girls won't leave him alone

Didn't work for me. Apparently, you need to put it in the front.

I had a dream I was swimming in a sea of orange soda.

It was my Fanta sea.

Two cats swim in a race. One is named one-two-three and the other is named un-deux-trois. Which cat won the race?

One-two-three because un-deux-trois quatre cinq.

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up.

Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

What is yellow and can’t swim?

A man from LEGO CITY

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

What's large, yellow, and can't swim?

A school bus full of children

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A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father, "where did I come from."

The father whale replies, "from my penis son."

The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad"

to which the father whale replies, "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

Bob.

Why does a squirrel swim on its back?

To keep it's nuts dry

Last night i had a dream that i was swimming in an ocean of orange soda

When i woke up i realised it was just a fanta-sea

Why do outdoor swimming pools cost less than indoor swimming pools?

Because there's less overhead.

I was going to take a winter swim

But after wading in I got cold feet

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Two whales are swimming around.

The first whale says to the second whale

"You know what, it's getting a bit boring. Ya know what? How about we go use our blow holes to capsized that fisher boat over there?"

The second whale then replies..

"What a great idea! Let's go do it!"

So both of the whales go and...

Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and he says...

Dam

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

Dad taught me how to swim by throwing me into a lake.

The swimming part was easy. Getting out of the burlap sack took some work.

HUSBAND: I hate to say this, but your swimming costume is quite tight and revealing.

WIFE: Well, wear your own one then.

Two Frenchmen are going for a walk one day, when they happen upon a swimming pool filled entirely to the brim with loaves of bread.

The first, who happens to be a baker, exclaims "Mon amie, what a beautiful sight! I'm going to dive into this pool."

The second says "I'm not sure that's such a good idea. If you hit the bottom, you're going to be in a lot of pain."

I was just taking a dip in the swimming pool when the lifeguard shouted out..

"What have you got there?"



"Hummus", I replied.

Why do sharks swim in salt water?

Cause pepper water makes them sneeze!!!

If you thought swimming with dolphins was expensive, you should try swimming with sharks ....

It cost me an arm and a leg!

Keep Swimming!

Lead sperm: "Come on guys, keep swimming! I see the egg, we're almost there!"

Sperm in the back: "Those are the tonsils you idiot."

Teenager Jamie stormed into the house furiously "Dad! You asked me to put a potato in my swimming trunks to impress the girls there!!!"

"You did not specify it had to go in front!!!!!"

Stalin was out swimming, but he began to drown.

A peasant who was passing by jumped in and pulled him safely to shore. Stalin asked the peasant what he would like as a reward. Realizing whom he had saved, the peasant cried out: ‘Nothing! Just please don’t tell anyone I saved you!’

I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn't swim.

The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.

James Charles, Justin Bieber, and bill gates were stranded on an island 100 miles away from shore and one by one they tried to swim off the island

First bill gates swam out 15 miles but then got tired and drowned. Next James Charles swam out 25 miles but got tired and drowned. Finally Justin Bieber swam out 50 miles and got tired and swam all the way back.

Women are like swimming pools.

They cost a lot of money to maintain, considering the amount of time you spend inside them.

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast when they noticed a whaling ship

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it ...

Old German Classic: Trump, Putin and Merkel go to the swimming pool.

"...but the pool is empty!" Trump said.
"Worry not," said Putin in his fabulous russian accent. "It is a wish pool. Whatever you yell when jumping from tower will be in pool. I demonstrate."
He gets on the tower and jumps, yelling "Vodkaaaa!"
And voilà, he splashes into a pool full of the b...

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

A French friend of mine drowned while swimming in a borrowed bathing costume in Mexico during a public holiday...

...she didn't realize it was the *sinky de maillot*.

Why did the lifeguard throw the elephants out of the swimming pool?

They wouldn't keep their trunks up.

If a pregnant woman swims

she is a human submarine

While sports fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted,

“There wouldn’t by chance be any
alligators in these waters?!”“No,” the old man hollered back, “haven’t been any for years!” Feeling relieved, the tourist
started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway toward shore he asked the old man,
“Say, how’d you get rid of the gators, any...

When you swim in the creek and something bites your cheek

That's a moray!

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A small sperm whale and his dad are swimming through the ocean

He asks his dad where he came from and the dad responds, "my penis, of course!" The son, disgusted, "that's gross! Thanks a lot dad." And the dad says, "you're whale cum!"

Three potatoes decide to go to the swimming pool.

The first potato goes to the lowest diving board, does a simple forward flip, and lands flawlessly in the water, before coming back up for air, and swims off.

The second potato climbs to the next diving board, does a more intricate double-backflip in the air, and lands feet-first into the wat...

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A man passes out while swimming in a river.

A group of people surround the riverbank where the young man was floating.

Then, a cocky medical student pushes through the crowd, dives into the river and pulls the man half out.

He then starts performing CPR on the man, with every chest compression water comes out of the man's mouth....

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Two Boys One Tampon

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy,

'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'...

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool!

But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon.

I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

Two sperm swimming in woman’s body. One says to the other, “how long of a trip is this?”

“I don’t know but we are coming up on the esophagus”

My swimming teacher asked me what my favourite stroke was

I replied "the one that finished off Thatcher".

An uncle of mine used to throw a space heater into the pool to heat it up before he would go swimming during the colder months

Come to think of it, he only did it once

What a twist

Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

Teacher: 502.

Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher:No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!!

Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

Student: How do you put a gir...

A blonde boy, and brunette boy, and a redhead were talking one day about swimming.

The brunette boy says, "My dad was so rough on me. He used to take me to the local pool and make me swim laps for four hours a day! I nearly drowned a couple times!"

The blonde boy replies, "You learned to swim in a pool!? My dad just rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me over the...

had a great swim along the beach in Bali

perfect visibility and tons of coral.

I saw a colorful but scary looking thing attached to a rock and waving in the gentle current. I thought to myself: "is it a friend, or anemone?"

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

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A young shark asked his dad, "Why do we always swim circles around people before eating them?"

He replied, "They taste better if you scare the shit out of them first"

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A disheveled man with a shrunken head walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to relax, so the curious bartender feels comfortable enough to inquire about the man's tiny noggin.

"Sorry to be intrusive.. but how did you end up with such a tiny head?" Asks the bartender.

The man replies: "I was the captain of an elite naval vessel pat...

Use swimming goggles

They will change your swimming view

Why did the fish swim across the Atlantic?

To get to the other tide.

My anti-vaxx sister brought her kids over to swim today.

But the only game they played was Marco Polio.

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When
the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act ...

I nearly drowned in the swimming pool today.

There was a really fit lifeguard who kept smiling at me so I thought I would do something to impress her.







So I took off my armbands

I don't understand why people are afraid to swim when there is lightning nearby.

If lightning actually hit my pool I'd be totally shocked.

what does the internet use when swimming?

googles. i think this OC but i could be wrong

A hole has been discovered in the swimming pool changing rooms.

The police are looking into it.

A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.

"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"

But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.

"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."...

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

A joke my religion professor told me...

A Dutch Calvinist gets stranded on a deserted island...

He saved his Bible in the shipwreck, so he maintained a prayerful life despite being stranded. The island was full of fruit and wildlife that he could hunt, so he survived well. Every day he swims out to a channel to see if any ships w...

Overheard at the Community Swimming Pool

Lifeguard: Kowalski, you are officially banned from the pool.

Kowalski: Why is that?

Lifeguard: Because you pee in the pool.

Kowalski: But I'm not the only one.

Lifeguard: You are the only one who does it from the diving board.

An old sperm and a young sperm were swimming towards the egg.

When the young sperm asked, "How long until we reach the egg?"
The old sperm replied, "it's gonna be a while, we just passed the tonsils."

What do you call someone who refuses to accept that they're swimming in an African river?

in de Nile.

A director of an insane asylum is concerned about how full the asylum is getting and decides to make some space

He consults with the doctors and they create a plan to figure out who needs to stay and who is sane enough to be allowed back into the public. They empty out the swimming pool and gather all the patients round.

"Whoever can swim 2 lengths of this pool will be allowed to leave the asylum" say...

Taking my kraken out for a swim. Darn thing gets loose again.

Re-leash the kraken!

How well does a 3-legged dog swim?

Only 3 feet below the surface.

A young man goes into the public swimming pool because he wants to swim the 100 meters.

At the edge of the pool are sitting three elderly ladies and watch him swimming the 100 meters in one and a half minutes.

As he climbs out of the pool, one of the three ladies says, "Not bad, but I'm 70 years old and can do it better!" "I do not think so, you have to prove that to me!" Says ...

A Blonde working in an office...

she glanced out the window and noticed a car , towing a small rowboat parking beside an empty field. She thought nothing of it and continued to work.

She looked out again towards the field and seen a blonde woman getting out of the car, removing the boat and dragging it into the field. "What ...

Two cats are having a swimming race across a pool. The first one is named one-two-three-cat The other is named une-deux-trois-cat Who wins

one-two-three-cat wins

une-deux-trois-cat-cinq

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?

hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

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LONG long ago, lived an infamous ruler in a village who has a very beautiful daughter.

she's entering her mid 20's. The ruler was getting a little concerned that as she gets older, no one would marry her. so he asked his assistant to make an announcement to the villager.



the assistant then go to the village and said "o villagers! your WISE ruler has a request to made u...

What would the headline be if Barack Obama walked on water across a lake in full view of a Fox News reporter?

"OBAMA CAN'T SWIM"

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Two whales are swimming in the sea...

These two whales, we'll call them Mamma and son, were swimming in the wild blue yonder when Mamma saw a boat, she said to son "Son you keep your distance from them boats." For it was a harpoon boat, but just as they were turning around, BANG! THUD, the harpoon went right into the side of Mamma. Dow...

Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

How do youtubers get in swimming pools?

They just *jump into it*

Which dog knows how to swim underwater?

Scuba-doo

I recently got water in my ear while swimming

The feeling was quite ear-ittating.

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I was at a swimming pool with poop in my pants but they came off me and floated away

That's when i lost my shit

I used to be addicted to swimming

But I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for 6 years now.

Why did the ohm swim to the other side of the river?

Because there was too much resistance.

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I was at the local swimming pools today

And decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The life guard must’ve noticed.

He blew his whistle so fucking loud I almost fell in.

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A magical cliff

There were three men at the edge of a magical cliff. Jumping off of this cliff while saying something will turn you into the thing you said.

The first man looked up at the sky and said, “I’ve always wanted to fly,” so he jumped and yelled, “BIRD!” He turned into a bird and flew away.

...

It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.

He asked the Pirate Captain.

“Why do you have a wooden leg?”

The Pirate Captain replied.

“Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”.

The boy then asked.

“Why do you have a hook for a hand?”
...

Hey man you just have to believe in yourself and even if you can't swim yet, you can wade through the water head up high...

Nope, I am only 4'10 and this is deep.

An oilfield worker drives past the same farm everyday and always notices this pig with 3 legs.

One day he finally decides to stop by the farm and ask the farmer what’s going on with that pig.

“Well,” the farmer says, “my house was burning down one day and my poor old dog was trapped in there. Full on flames and smoke and that pig ran in and saved my dog.”

“Did his leg burn off?...

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean and encounter a whale hunting ship.

The first whale is furious, and says to the second, “look over there! Those are the people that killed our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, friends! We should take revenge!” The second whale is also angry on hearing this, and agrees, saying, “what should we do?” The first whale thinks for a whil...

A man attempts to swim across the Atlantic Ocean

A man tried to swim across the Atlantic Ocean. He left New York and headed for England. He battled rough seas, strong currents, and freezing cold water. After 6 months, he was within one mile of England when realized he was just too exhausted to make it to shore. So he swam back.

"So, you're telling me you're in the navy yet you don't know how to swim?"

"Buddy, you're in the air-force. Do you know how to fly?"

A gold fish swims into a bar

"Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender. "Anything else?" He asks? "Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender. "Anything else?" He asks? "Pour me a coke" he asks the bartender....

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At the beach on a summer day, you'll find many different swim techniques: backstroke, frontstroke, breaststroke, etc.

I, for one, am the master of the heat stroke

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A hungry fish spots a fly sitting on the bank of the river.

The fish really wants the fly to come closer to the edge of the water, so he can jump up and eat him.

Meanwhile, there's a fisherman a few feet downstream. He sitting on a little stool, eating a cheese sandwich, and wishing that the fly would drop down about 4 inches so the fish would catch a...

I robbed a swimming pool supply store last night.

I need to lilo for a while.

I asked my coach if he thought I'd win today's swim meet.

He said to me "don't hold your breath, kid"

So I drowned.

What hormones does a fish use to swim in a house?

Indoor Fins

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

Trump dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he is greeted by the devil.

The devil says that there are 3 other people here that have done less bad than Trump, so Trump gets to decide which one goes to heaven so he can take their place.

The devil opens 3 doors, the first door has Richard Nixon in it. Nixon is swim...

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If you ever fuck up just remember to swim

Stop,
Walk way,
Implicate others,
Make up a story.

Two bears are swimming in water, a black bear and a white bear. Which one dissolves?

The white one, because it's polar.

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A group of...

A group of sperm cells in a guys balls are getting ready for their big moment. They all talk about racing to the egg, who will be first, how to get in, etc. But while all the sperm are talking, one sperm cell by the name of Matt instead of chatting is busy working out. He's doing sprints, push ups...

I made my fish listen to an Eminem album...

...now he's Swim Shady.

Two prawns called Christian and Terry are out for their morning swim.

Soon they happen upon a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wi...

Why can’t two elephants go swimming at the same time?

Only one pair of trunks

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Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?

Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper,...

I started swimming last week

The instructor asked me what my favourite stroke was. Apparently the one that killed Margaret Thatcher was the wrong answer cuz now I'm banned

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