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Diving Jokes

I quit my position as a scuba diving instructor the first day at my job.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...

One day I lobster and never flounder again.

Diving

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he was not wearing a scuba gear.

The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later.

The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the sam...

Diving trip goes bad...

A husband and wife are out diving one day in deep open waters when they became separated.
The husband in panic swam and dove as long as he could in an attempt to find his wife,before he eventually ran out of air. He made it back home and alerted the authorities.
A rescue party was sent out, wi...

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

My son asked me, "Is this pool safe for diving?" I chuckled and replied...

"It deep ends..."

I just met this really attractive sky diving instructor.

You could say I fell for him.

What’s the hardest thing about sky diving?

The ground.

How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?

Krautsurfing

When asked how I got into olympic diving as a career I always reply:

Just sort of fell into it, really.

What did Dean Martin scream when he bumped an eel while scuba diving?

That’s Amorè!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why women wear tampons when they go sky diving?

So they don't whistle on the way down.

I hate scuba diving

It was the lowest moment of my life.

My tryout for the Tokyo Olympic diving team was a flop

But I made quite a splash with the judges.

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It's total bullshit that you need a parachute to go sky diving.

You need a parachute if you plan to sky dive twice.

Guy is nervous about sky diving.

The diving instructor tells him "When you hit altitude just pull the chute cord and you'll be fine."

Guy asks, "What if that doesn't work?"

Instructor says, "Then pull the reserve."

Guy, still nervous, "okay but what if that doesn't work"

"OK, listen, if that fails just l...

What did Mr. T say after throwing five $10 bills off the diving board?

I fitty da pool!

Diving is a dangerous industry.

It should be regulated.

Did you hear about the guy who vomited while sky diving?

It's all over town.

Sky diving

A sky diver had just pulled his main chute and found it wouldn't open. He quickly tries his reserve chute, still nothing. Now in a panic falling towards the ground he see's a man flying up towards him at an incredible speed. In stunned disbelieve as they pass each other the sky diver screams out "do...

Have you heard of the blind girl that went sky diving?

She had a great time but her dog didn’t

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Why do blind people hate sky diving

It scares the shit out of their dogs

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My wife is going sky diving and I'm truly terrified

The last time something that large hit the ground the fucking dinosaurs died!

I went down wearing a copper-hat diving suit to see a group of coelacanths

It was old school

I tried deep diving without equipments once ...

It was breathtaking.

Deep sea diving is so dangerous.

I just can’t fathom it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

Why didn't Helen Keller go sky diving?

It scared the hell out of her Seeing Eye dog.

A man's wife goes scuba diving and doesn't return...

The police show up the next day and inform the man, "Sir, we have bad news, good news, and even better news."

The husband says "Okay, well give me the bad news first."

"Well sir, we are sorry to say that your wife has drowned. She is dead, I'm terribly sorry."

"Oh no... wait, w...

Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?

Because all his grades are below C-level

Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?

He won't inhale.

My friend keeps obnoxiously bragging that he broke my record for deep sea diving.

That’s a new low.

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

A blind man goes sky-diving.

A man, legally blind from birth decided that he wanted to live it up; to get out in the world and do things he'd always wanted to do, despite his disability. He'd start, he figured, with sky-diving; something he'd always been curious about.

So he signs up for a tandem dive, gets a proper orie...

I went diving with a bunch of laundry.

It was wrapped in a waterproof bag. I went in to gaze at the beautiful sealife. When I went back to the surface I noticed some of my clothes were missing.

Let's see I had 8 shirts, 2 socks, and 9 pants prior to diving and now I have 8 shirts, 2 socks, and 3 pants.

My friend asked me...

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

Two homeless men are dumpster diving for food outside of a synagogue...

One of the men pops his head out and says to the other, “Man, these onion rings are really chewy!”

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Scoutmaster

Dear Dad & Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we're all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happen...

I was telling my friend a joke about sky diving but he gave me constructive criticism on it

It didn’t land very well

An Irishman is at the top of the diving board about to dive in when the attendant yells out "Stop! The pool has no water in it!"

"That's OK" says Paddy. "I can't swim".

My wife died in a sky diving accident.

Does anybody want a parachute, used once , never opened. ?

Scuba divings a good hobby

If you wanna hit rock bottom.

Did you hear that Adelle started a campaign to raise awareness for sea life by reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone while scuba diving 60 ft under the water.

They called it "Rowling in the Deep"

Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving

What do you call a diving dog?

A sub woofer.

An Expensive Scuba Diving Store in My Town Just Opened

It went under

I got kicked out of the pool for peeing in it. I said "what's the big deal? everybody pees in the pool"

They said "maybe, but not from the diving board"

Being a free diving instructor requires you to teach others how to hold their breath under water while not using scuba gear.

It's a tankless job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between golf and sky-diving?

In golf, it's "*whack*... Fuck!" And in sky-diving, it's "Fuck!... *whack*".

A man and a woman go scuba diving for their honeymoon.....

... and they are having the absolute time of their life. The fish, the coral- it's all just wonderful. But then, out of nowhere, they hear a great rumbling, look behind them, and see a cruise ship headed straight for them!

They separate, one to each side of the massive ship. When the ship pas...

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Why isn't diving an event in the Special Olympics?

It's a pain in the ass to retrieve the wheelchairs.

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

Have you ever tried sky diving without a parachute?

It's a once in a lifetime experience

One time, I was out scuba diving when I suddenly heard beautiful voices singing in unison.

I was very surprised until I looked beneath me and realized it was coming from a choral reef.

What did the professional diving roach say to his captain right before being lost to the sea?

Suffocation, no breathing, this is my last report.

Why do divers fall backwards out of the boat whilst diving?

Because if they fell forward they would land in the boat.

"Sir, you'll need to leave, you can't pee in the pool."

"But everyone pees in the pool!"

"Yes, but not from the diving board."

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

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