How do you know if a swimming pool is safe for diving?

It deepends

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Four married guys going diving. The following conversation took place...

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out diving this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy, "...

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

Have you heard of the blind girl that went sky diving?

She had a great time but her dog didn’t

What do you call an overweight monk going scuba diving?

A deep fat friar.

Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving

I was telling my friend a joke about sky diving but he gave me constructive criticism on it

It didn’t land very well

I tried deep diving without equipments once ...

It was breathtaking.

Trump dies and goes to hell..

... where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

My friend keeps obnoxiously bragging that he broke my record for deep sea diving.

That’s a new low.

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

Being a free diving instructor requires you to teach others how to hold their breath under water while not using scuba gear.

It's a tankless job.

Life advice

If at first you don't succeed, maybe sky diving isn't for you.

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The Memory Man

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the barman when he spotted an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.
“That’s the Memory Man.” said...

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God invited three presidents - Putin, Lukashenko and Trump - to his place.

"I need to have a very important conversation with you later. So, make yourselves at home, I have a magic swimming pool with a high diving-board, just say a word, and all the water from the pool turn into that", said God, "Just look! Orange juice!" And all the water instantly became orange juice....

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Marine Biologist

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The wor...

An Irishman is at the top of the diving board about to dive in when the attendant yells out "Stop! The pool has no water in it!"

"That's OK" says Paddy. "I can't swim".

What’s the hardest thing about sky diving?

The ground.

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Death visits Earth one day to claim the life of John the lawyer

Death visits Earth one day to claim the life of John the lawyer. When He enters John's office, John figures out what's going on and starts laughing hysterically. "What's up with the scythe? You look like an out-of-work farmer", he says. Red with embarrassment, Death storms out.

The next day,...

Two homeless men are dumpster diving for food outside of a synagogue...

One of the men pops his head out and says to the other, “Man, these onion rings are really chewy!”

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Why do blind people hate sky diving

It scares the shit out of their dogs

I just took my last dive as a scuba diving instructor.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

Why didn't Helen Keller go sky diving?

It scared the hell out of her Seeing Eye dog.

DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and penc...

Scuba divings a good hobby

If you wanna hit rock bottom.

A man gives helicopter rides at the yearly state fair for twenty dollars.

One year, a couple comes up to the ride and bickers with each other about spending the twenty dollars for the ride. The conversation ends with the husband saying, "You know...twenty dollars is twenty dollars" and they walk away.

This goes on for years, same bickering, always ending with husb...

Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?

Because all his grades are below C-level

I hate scuba diving

It was the lowest moment of my life.

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

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Three men climb to the diving pad at a swimming pool.

A fairy appeared there and grants them a wish each. Three men think for a while then the first one jumps and wishes for beer and all of a sudden the pool is brimming with beer. Second one jumps and wishes for money and the pool is brimming with dollar bills. Third one is about to jump but slips says...

"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive."

I think they've hired Neymar.

Sky diving

A sky diver had just pulled his main chute and found it wouldn't open. He quickly tries his reserve chute, still nothing. Now in a panic falling towards the ground he see's a man flying up towards him at an incredible speed. In stunned disbelieve as they pass each other the sky diver screams out "do...

One time, I was out scuba diving when I suddenly heard beautiful voices singing in unison.

I was very surprised until I looked beneath me and realized it was coming from a choral reef.

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My wife is going sky diving and I'm truly terrified

The last time something that large hit the ground the fucking dinosaurs died!

I asked the gentleman to stop peeing in the pool.

He told me, "Everyone pees in the pool."

"From the diving board?"

The Titanic was recently visited by a diving crew with a robot submarine. What they found out was completely amazing.

Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.

Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?

He won't inhale.

"Madam, Please ask your son to stop peeing in the pool!"

"Oh, But everyone pees in the pool! Are you saying you haven't?"



***'Not from the Diving board!!!"***

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During a vicious storm a bride is blown overboard off the top deck of a cruise ship

The heartbroken groom has 3 search parties sent out to look and unfortunately find no trace of her.

He gets back to life, and 8 years later gets a call from the police.

They say we have some bad news, and some very good news.

We have located your wife’s body during a scuba divin...

I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...

One day I lobster and never flounder again.

The boys trapped in a cave in Thailand need to become diving experts to escape

Sounds like a job for Neymar

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A Frenchman, a Scotsman and a German...

... are at a public swimming pool.

This place has just opened a very special 10 meter high diving tower: for a fee of just $20, a patented device automatically fills the pool with the liquid you desire.

The Frenchman is excited. He pays, climbs up the ladder, shouts "Champagne" and the...

A man's wife goes scuba diving and doesn't return...

The police show up the next day and inform the man, "Sir, we have bad news, good news, and even better news."

The husband says "Okay, well give me the bad news first."

"Well sir, we are sorry to say that your wife has drowned. She is dead, I'm terribly sorry."

"Oh no... wait, w...

What did the professional diving roach say to his captain right before being lost to the sea?

Suffocation, no breathing, this is my last report.

My wife died in a sky diving accident.

Does anybody want a parachute, used once , never opened. ?

A kid goes off to the army and comes back home after basic training.

He's having a chat with his dad about his experience, telling him how it went.

"So the first thing they do was have me run 15 miles. It was brutal. I had to have my fatigues on and carry my provisions. The drill sergeant said if we didn't do that we had to run 30 Miles the next day."

"...

An Expensive Scuba Diving Store in My Town Just Opened

It went under

There's a cool sport called Volcano Diving.....

You'll only do it once.

A blind man goes sky-diving.

A man, legally blind from birth decided that he wanted to live it up; to get out in the world and do things he'd always wanted to do, despite his disability. He'd start, he figured, with sky-diving; something he'd always been curious about.

So he signs up for a tandem dive, gets a proper orie...

A man and a woman go scuba diving for their honeymoon.....

... and they are having the absolute time of their life. The fish, the coral- it's all just wonderful. But then, out of nowhere, they hear a great rumbling, look behind them, and see a cruise ship headed straight for them!

They separate, one to each side of the massive ship. When the ship pas...

How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?

Krautsurfing

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There was a youth who lived in Russia.

He was orphaned at the young age of 5. He only had one mother, Mother Russia. With no one to take care of him, he was left to fend for himself. He was poor and worked in the coal mines, to earn a mediocre salary to last him a day or two.

One day after a hard day at work, he walked down a si...

What do you call a diving dog?

A sub woofer.

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Why isn't diving an event in the Special Olympics?

It's a pain in the ass to retrieve the wheelchairs.

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine Corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the Sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flies past him out of cont...

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What's the difference between golf and sky diving?

Twack......... Shit!

A deep joke

I called a detective regarding a crime at my local swimming pool. He said that instead of diving straight in, he'd start by looking into it, floating a few ideas around before finally getting to the bottom of it.

Why do divers fall backwards out of the boat whilst diving?

Because if they fell forward they would land in the boat.

Have you ever tried sky diving without a parachute?

It's a once in a lifetime experience

I wanted to be a sky diving instructor...

But it's not the kind of job you just fall in to.

What's that diving? Is it a bird, Is it a plane...

No it's the British Pound...

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