An Irishman is at the top of the diving board about to dive in when the attendant yells out "Stop! The pool has no water in it!"

"That's OK" says Paddy. "I can't swim".

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

I just took my last dive as a scuba diving instructor.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...

Must be something in the water.

what time is it when an elephant jumps off your diving board?

time to get a new diving board.

What’s the hardest thing about sky diving?

The ground.

Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?

Because all his grades are below C-level

Diving is a dangerous industry.

It should be regulated.

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Why don’t blind people go sky diving?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

Scuba divings a good hobby

If you wanna hit rock bottom.

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Three men climb to the diving pad at a swimming pool.

A fairy appeared there and grants them a wish each. Three men think for a while then the first one jumps and wishes for beer and all of a sudden the pool is brimming with beer. Second one jumps and wishes for money and the pool is brimming with dollar bills. Third one is about to jump but slips says...

Why didn't Helen Keller go sky diving?

It scared the hell out of her Seeing Eye dog.

Two homeless men are dumpster diving for food outside of a synagogue...

One of the men pops his head out and says to the other, “Man, these onion rings are really chewy!”

How do you know a swimming pool is safe for diving

It deep ends.

An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are standing atop a diving platform.

When all of a sudden a genie appears.

The genie looked at the three divers and said: "I shall grant each of you a wish. All you have to do is yell out a single word as you are falling towards the water and when you surface, your wish will be granted."

The Englishman was the first to ju...

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

Sky diving

A sky diver had just pulled his main chute and found it wouldn't open. He quickly tries his reserve chute, still nothing. Now in a panic falling towards the ground he see's a man flying up towards him at an incredible speed. In stunned disbelieve as they pass each other the sky diver screams out "do...

Three potatoes decide to go to the swimming pool.

The first potato goes to the lowest diving board, does a simple forward flip, and lands flawlessly in the water, before coming back up for air, and swims off.

The second potato climbs to the next diving board, does a more intricate double-backflip in the air, and lands feet-first into the wat...

Hear about the guy to started a diving school?

It went under

I used to have a scuba diving business

But it went under.

A man that had a stuttering problem wanted to try sky diving for the first time

So before he jumped the trainer told him to count to ten then open the parachute he approved and jumped off the plane he spent a lot of time falling down over 10 seconds and then he hit the ground his friends ran to check on him he was about to die his last words were ss....i...x

One time, I was out scuba diving when I suddenly heard beautiful voices singing in unison.

I was very surprised until I looked beneath me and realized it was coming from a choral reef.

"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive."

I think they've hired Neymar.

DIVING WITHOUT EQUIPMENT

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and penc...

I hate scuba diving

It was the lowest moment of my life.

I had a favorite fish once.

She would come and visit me in the same spot each day when I was diving until suddenly she disappeared. I was devastated! I lobster! But luckily I flounder.

Long, but worth it.(?)

Two hunters were walking around a farmer's property looking for game when they came across a very large, seemingly bottomless hole in the ground.
'How deep you think it is?'
'I dunno, let's chuck something in'
They look around for some big enough to make a decent sound when it hit the botto...

Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?

He won't inhale.

I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...

One day I lobster and never flounder again.

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My wife is going sky diving and I'm truly terrified

The last time something that large hit the ground the fucking dinosaurs died!

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Beautiful lady

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away...

She said, “But we don't know anything about each other”...

He said, “That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along”...

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoo...

Overheard at the Community Swimming Pool

Lifeguard: Kowalski, you are officially banned from the pool.

Kowalski: Why is that?

Lifeguard: Because you pee in the pool.

Kowalski: But I'm not the only one.

Lifeguard: You are the only one who does it from the diving board.

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Family reunion with Dad and stepmom

Dear Mom,


We are having a great time here at Camp Hazardous Hills. Grandpa is making me write to you in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.


Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on th...

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

What did the professional diving roach say to his captain right before being lost to the sea?

Suffocation, no breathing, this is my last report.

My wife died in a sky diving accident.

Does anybody want a parachute, used once , never opened. ?

The Titanic was recently visited by a diving crew with a robot submarine. What they found out was completely amazing.

Even after 100 years of being sunk, all the pools are still full.

A man's wife goes scuba diving and doesn't return...

The police show up the next day and inform the man, "Sir, we have bad news, good news, and even better news."

The husband says "Okay, well give me the bad news first."

"Well sir, we are sorry to say that your wife has drowned. She is dead, I'm terribly sorry."

"Oh no... wait, w...

An Expensive Scuba Diving Store in My Town Just Opened

It went under

How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?

Krautsurfing

A lifeguard asks a mother to scold her son for urinating in the public pool.

“It’s perfectly natural,” the mother says, “for young children to urinate in the pool. Plenty of children at this pool do it. I don’t see why my son doing it is such a big deal.”



The lifeguard pulls down his sunglasses and replies, “Well, all the other kids aren’t doing it off the div...

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A man decided to commit suicide.

His life was worsening as days passed, as well as his emotional state. Underpayed job, failed relationship, no friends, and the only thing keeping him from suicide was his dog, who fell extremely ill and vets confirmed that they cant cure it. The man goes to a swamp, and decides to drown himself, as...

What do you call a diving dog?

A sub woofer.

Why do divers fall backwards out of the boat whilst diving?

Because if they fell forward they would land in the boat.

If at first you don’t succeed

Sky diving isn’t your sport

I recently quit my job as a scuba diving instructor

I couldn't handle the pressure.

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Why isn't diving an event in the Special Olympics?

It's a pain in the ass to retrieve the wheelchairs.

A blind man goes sky-diving.

A man, legally blind from birth decided that he wanted to live it up; to get out in the world and do things he'd always wanted to do, despite his disability. He'd start, he figured, with sky-diving; something he'd always been curious about.

So he signs up for a tandem dive, gets a proper orie...

A man and a woman go scuba diving for their honeymoon.....

... and they are having the absolute time of their life. The fish, the coral- it's all just wonderful. But then, out of nowhere, they hear a great rumbling, look behind them, and see a cruise ship headed straight for them!

They separate, one to each side of the massive ship. When the ship pas...

My English teacher assigned me 10 stories to go through...

so I went sky diving. I went through 10 stories in 2 seconds!

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The Avengers were on a mission to save the Egyptian god of the sun.

Thanos, with the help of the Reality Stone, turned the god into a baby and usurped his powers. As he was about to kill him, in the nick of time, the Avengers showed up.

Diving forward, Captain America managed to snatch away the baby while Thanos was busy with his monologue. Realizing this, T...

Have you ever tried sky diving without a parachute?

It's a once in a lifetime experience

What's that diving? Is it a bird, Is it a plane...

No it's the British Pound...

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A man dies and goes to hell. Satan tells the man he will need to choose a room from several options.

In the first room, people are being burned in fierce flames.

\- Oh this is not for me, says the man.

In second room everyone is being whipped and beaten horribly with spiked tools.

\- Nah, this is not for me either, sorry.

Satan shows him the last room, and the man sees a...

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What's the difference between golf and sky diving?

Twack......... Shit!

My mother just caught me peeing in the pool.

I didn’t even know she had a view of the diving board.

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