UPJOKE
swimplungenosedivejackknifesnorkeljumpscubaswan divedescentunderwaterplunkdivingnose divediverfall

My son asked me, "Is this pool safe for diving?" I chuckled and replied...

"It deep ends!"

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

Diving

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he was not wearing a scuba gear.

The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later.

The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the sam...

What did Mr. T say after throwing five $10 bills off the diving board?

I fitty da pool!

Did you hear that Adelle started a campaign to raise awareness for sea life by reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone while scuba diving 60 ft under the water.

They called it "Rowling in the Deep"

Guy is nervous about sky diving.

The diving instructor tells him "When you hit altitude just pull the chute cord and you'll be fine."

Guy asks, "What if that doesn't work?"

Instructor says, "Then pull the reserve."

Guy, still nervous, "okay but what if that doesn't work"

"OK, listen, if that fails just l...

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A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which po...

I just met this really attractive sky diving instructor.

You could say I fell for him.

Scientists say Hydrostatic pressure from scuba diving is more harmful than previously known.

It just feels like something we all knew deep down.

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The Memory Man

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the barman when he spotted an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.
“That’s the Memory Man.” sa...

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Four married guys going diving. The following conversation took place...

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out diving this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy, "...

I got kicked out of the pool for peeing in it. I said "what's the big deal? everybody pees in the pool"

They said "maybe, but not from the diving board"

My tryout for the Tokyo Olympic diving team was a flop

But I made quite a splash with the judges.

I went down wearing a copper-hat diving suit to see a group of coelacanths

It was old school

Did you hear about the guy who vomited while sky diving?

It's all over town.

In the future, Donald Trump passes away from a heart attack.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

Have you heard of the blind girl that went sky diving?

She had a great time but her dog didn’t

I was telling my friend a joke about sky diving but he gave me constructive criticism on it

It didn’t land very well

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

What’s the hardest thing about sky diving?

The ground.

My friend keeps obnoxiously bragging that he broke my record for deep sea diving.

That’s a new low.

An Irishman is at the top of the diving board about to dive in when the attendant yells out "Stop! The pool has no water in it!"

"That's OK" says Paddy. "I can't swim".

Being a free diving instructor requires you to teach others how to hold their breath under water while not using scuba gear.

It's a tankless job.

What do you call an overweight monk going scuba diving?

A deep fat friar.

I tried deep diving without equipments once ...

It was breathtaking.

Two homeless men are dumpster diving for food outside of a synagogue...

One of the men pops his head out and says to the other, “Man, these onion rings are really chewy!”

Diving is a dangerous industry.

It should be regulated.

I hate scuba diving

It was the lowest moment of my life.

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Why do blind people hate sky diving

It scares the shit out of their dogs

Why didn't Helen Keller go sky diving?

It scared the hell out of her Seeing Eye dog.

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My wife is going sky diving and I'm truly terrified

The last time something that large hit the ground the fucking dinosaurs died!

I just took my last dive as a scuba diving instructor.

Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.

Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?

He won't inhale.

A man's wife goes scuba diving and doesn't return...

The police show up the next day and inform the man, "Sir, we have bad news, good news, and even better news."

The husband says "Okay, well give me the bad news first."

"Well sir, we are sorry to say that your wife has drowned. She is dead, I'm terribly sorry."

"Oh no... wait, w...

I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...

One day I lobster and never flounder again.

"The 12 boys stranded in a flooded cave system in Thailand have started diving lessons in the latest step in efforts to bring them out alive."

I think they've hired Neymar.

I went diving with a bunch of laundry.

It was wrapped in a waterproof bag. I went in to gaze at the beautiful sealife. When I went back to the surface I noticed some of my clothes were missing.

Let's see I had 8 shirts, 2 socks, and 9 pants prior to diving and now I have 8 shirts, 2 socks, and 3 pants.

My friend asked me...

The one about the quickly wed couple

So a man, lets call him Dan, meets this girl, we'll call her Stacy, on a blind date. They hit it off right away and chat the night away. Well they go on another date, this one went even better than the last, Dan's heart flutters every time he thinks of her. So then Dan asks her on a third date and t...

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?

Because all his grades are below C-level

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Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

One time, I was out scuba diving when I suddenly heard beautiful voices singing in unison.

I was very surprised until I looked beneath me and realized it was coming from a choral reef.

What did the professional diving roach say to his captain right before being lost to the sea?

Suffocation, no breathing, this is my last report.

Sky diving

A sky diver had just pulled his main chute and found it wouldn't open. He quickly tries his reserve chute, still nothing. Now in a panic falling towards the ground he see's a man flying up towards him at an incredible speed. In stunned disbelieve as they pass each other the sky diver screams out "do...

My wife died in a sky diving accident.

Does anybody want a parachute, used once , never opened. ?

A blind man goes sky-diving.

A man, legally blind from birth decided that he wanted to live it up; to get out in the world and do things he'd always wanted to do, despite his disability. He'd start, he figured, with sky-diving; something he'd always been curious about.

So he signs up for a tandem dive, gets a proper orie...

The boys trapped in a cave in Thailand need to become diving experts to escape

Sounds like a job for Neymar

An Expensive Scuba Diving Store in My Town Just Opened

It went under

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Three young men were by a small secluded pool at a resort...

...when one of the young men put his hand in the water to test its temperature. Suddenly appeared a Genie who said: "I am the Genie of the pool, go to the diving board, say something you want and dive into the pool, it'll then turn into what you said".

The first young man went on the diving b...

A man and a woman go scuba diving for their honeymoon.....

... and they are having the absolute time of their life. The fish, the coral- it's all just wonderful. But then, out of nowhere, they hear a great rumbling, look behind them, and see a cruise ship headed straight for them!

They separate, one to each side of the massive ship. When the ship pas...

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What's the difference between golf and sky diving?

Twack......... Shit!

What do you call a diving dog?

A sub woofer.

Scuba divings a good hobby

If you wanna hit rock bottom.

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

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Why isn't diving an event in the Special Olympics?

It's a pain in the ass to retrieve the wheelchairs.

How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?

Krautsurfing

Did you hear about the anti masker who died?

They went scuba diving

Why do divers fall backwards out of the boat whilst diving?

Because if they fell forward they would land in the boat.

Have you ever tried sky diving without a parachute?

It's a once in a lifetime experience

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I was desperate for a piss at the pool....

I was at the swimming pool last week, and you know when you're absolutely bursting for a piss but the toilets are way over there?

I thought: "weeelllll..... everyone else does it..."

So I decided just to let one slip out in the pool.

The lifeguard must have spotted me though. He...

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