Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs ...

I don't go on and on about how I can't roller skate

But apparently the whole world needs to know about how this weirdo in the river can't swim.

Girl on skates.

The ice was thin.
Then it broke and she fell right in.

The boy on the bank heard her shout.
He jumped right in and helped her out.

Now they’re married.
Very nice.
All she had to do
was break the ice.

How many skateboarders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, but it might take 16 tries

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What do you call a Homosexual on roller skates?

Rolaids

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A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentar...

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The other day a bloke offered me a go on his ice rink for 50p.

I thought, "What a fucking cheap skate."

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You know what they say... *insert thing that nobody says*

-Don’t buy a sheep with 3 legs
-The apples in the orchard are nothing like grapes
-When the crows come home, don’t go looking for cows
-On Independence don’t look for a man in a bush
-don’t shoot for the stars if ya don’t have a spacesuit
-keep the spf to a minimum in a snow storm
...

Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?

Because she wanted to rock and roll.

Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom..

Cheap Skates!

This Grindr App is Trash

Had it for a week now and still can't find anyone to skate with.

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An American golfer is asked to compete in a tournament in Japan

As soon as he gets there he starts partying as he has a few days to spare until the tournament begins. He starts dancing with an absolutely stunning Japanese girl and decides that despite the fact she speaks no English at all he's going to try and get her to sleep with him, they start kissing as the...

A mother takes her son to a shoe store on his 8th birthday.

Pointing to a pair, she asks,

"How much are these?"

"$10!" says the young salesman, "They're on sale."

"I'll give you $7," she replies.

Needing to fill the weekly quota,

he counters, "$9 and I'll even throw in wheels that attach to the soles."

"No deal!" and...

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12 of my favorite anti-jokes.

1. A horse walks into a bar, several of the patrons get up and leave quickly after assessing the danger of the situation.

2. How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

3. What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red Paint.

4. I like my women l...

Why was the fisherman upset with his new property?

After selling his sole for a small plaice perched by the sea (something to the tuna 500 square feet), he found something fishy within contract and realised he cod do better if he weren't such a cheap-skate.

Three men turn up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter asks the three men: ' Did you commit any adultery during your lifetime?'

'NEVER! I have lived a pure and virtuous life!', The first man shouts.
'All right, you may enter heaven en drive a golden Ferrari for eternity!', Saint Peter says.

The second man says: ' Well you k...

Three men die in a car crash

They find themselves at the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter approaches them, saying "Okay, you'll get a vehicle for getting around Heaven depending on your faithfulness to your spouse".

The first man says "I never cheated on my wife, and I love her". He gets a Ferrari.

The second man says...

3 guys die and go to heaven...

St. Peter was at the gate and said, "However faithful you were to your wife, that will determine the vehicle you will get in heaven".

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife; she was the love of my life and I told her every day. ". St. Peter smiled and ...

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Wheels in heaven

There are three men standing in line to get into heaven, and St. Peter tells them, " Congratulations on getting it this far guys! You have all been deemed righteous enough to enter heaven, but we still like to give people a token to remind them of how they behaved in their marriages. And so, every p...

A cat died and went to Heaven.

God met her at the gates and said,
"You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said,
"All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors.
I would like a really fluffy pillow to sleep on."...

Cat Heaven

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all ...

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day.

A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman.

She decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut....

3 men in heaven

Three men die and go to heaven. After a while there, they meet an angel.

"There's a new policy!" he says. "Everyone gets a free vehicle! The type of vehicle depends on how good you were on Earth."

So they go to God to get there vehicle.

"Okay" God says, "John, how good were you...

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Three guys die and go to heaven...

They are met at the Pearly Gates by, of course, St. Peter. "Welcome welcome!" he shouted as they approached "It's so good to see you! Are you ready to enjoy your eternity in Heaven?" "Yes yes of course we are!" all three guys shouted over top of each other. "Great!" says Peter. "But before I let you...

Three mice go to heaven...

Three mice go to Heaven and meet St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter says, "Since you are God's precious creatures, I am authorized to give each of you a wish." One mouse speaks up for the group and says, "All our lives we lived in this building with hardwood floors and were chased all day by this me...

Which car will you get in heaven?

Three guys are standing in heaven, their names are Greg, James, and Tony. They are at a car dealership, and an angel asks them "were you faithful to your wives?" Greg answers "yes, I never cheated on my wife." He is given a new Lamborghini. The angel then asks James if he ever cheated on his wife. H...

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A good relationship joke my dad once told me...

3 men die and are waiting in a line to enter heaven. St Peter asks a diff question every day to make things run faster apparently. How you answer determines how you get around in giant ass heaven for all of eternity.
Today's question was 'How faithful to your wife were you?' The first man tells ...

Three guys die and go to heaven...

God ask "Have you been faithful to your wives?" The first man said "O yes, loved her to much to stray away!" God says "You get to drive a Mercedes threw heaven." The second guy says "I'm sorry father I have I have only a few times" God make him drive a motorcycle around heaven. The last man confesse...

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Three old men die and go to heaven...

...and St. Peter explains to them that the lives they lived on earth will determine what kind of car they drive for eternity.

He looks to the first man and says "You were a top-notch citizen your entire life. You paid your taxes, showed up for work every day, never cheated on your wife and we...

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Presents sucked... [NSFW]

I got a $60 video game for my son, $80 pair of skates for my daughter and a $500 fur coat for my wife. All I got was two sweaters and a piece of ass and they were all two sizes too large.

Stolen From Another Reddit (I Think) In Honor of Talk Like A Pirate Day

There once was a pirate (the story relates)

who thought he could rhumba on skates.

He fell on his cutlass

which rendered him nutless

and virtually useless on dates.

Why did the hipster drown?

They tried to skate on the river before it was cool.