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Swimmer Jokes

My swimmer friend asked me “what’s your favorite stroke?”

Apparently the one that killed Margaret Thatcher wasn’t an answer

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Endurance Swimmer



A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”
So, she consented, they were married, and they went on a honeymoon to a...

Why do they actually prefer non-swimmers in the Navy?

They defend their ship with a lot more enthusiasm.

People say I'm a good swimmer

That's why I was born, and my brother wasn't

I heard a swimmer shout "Help shark help!!

I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!

TIL, Hippos can run faster than humans on land and swimmer faster in water

But still you can defeat them in a triathlon as they don't know how to ride a bicycle

Blonde Swimmer

A blonde woman decides to enter her first ever swimming race. She contemplates which style of race to enter and thinks she has the best chance in the 100m breast stroke.

The day finally arrives and the blonde competes in the race. She finishes a long way last.

After the race, a reporte...

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My best friend is a professional one-handed swimmer but an absolute showoff!

Just finish the race for fuck sake! nobody cares how many times you can swim in a circle.

My disabled friend is one of the best swimmers I have ever seen.

I never knew how good they were until after that first stroke.

I’ve always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns

Michael Phelps is such a good swimmer...

He was conceived anally

Osama bin Laden dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't qui...

Daddy's little swimmer

A class of 8 years old are at the winning pool. All the kids jump in except little Johnny who has Down Syndrom.
Teacher comes to him and asks if he can swim.
"yes I can" he answers
"Are you afraid to go in?"
"No" he answers.
"Go ahead, jump and enjoy then" says the teacher
So littl...

What do you call a quadriplegic swimmer?

Bob

If one synchronised swimmer drowns...

...do the others have to as well?

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My dating profile says " I'm 50 years old,but I have the body of a swimmer, the arms of a weight-lifter and the dick of a teenager."

The women that come over aren't too pleased when I open the freezer and show my collection.

Swimmers are so serious

They don't pool around at all

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why are men better swimmers than women?

because men are part semen

How does a narcoleptic swimmer keep from drowning?

With a snorekel.

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead were standing on a beach

They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers j...

What are swimmers afraid of dying from?

A bad stroke.

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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.
'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll...

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Three disabled swimmers are competing in one tournament

First does not have legs, judges is asking him how he is going to swim he answers "You will see" and he is thrown into the water. He finishes the race using only his arms.
Second one does not have arms, again judge asks him how he is going to do it, he replies "You will see". He is jumps in to t...

Why didn't the hippie save the drowning swimmer?

He was too far out man

A shark is teaching his kid how to attack swimmers.

"Make sure your dorsal fin is above the water and swim toward them *really fast*, then veer away at the last moment. Do that a few times, and then go back and eat them."

"But why not just come up from below and eat them right away?"

"Well, they taste a lot better if you *empty* 'em fir...

Why are swimmers good at soccer?

Because they dive a lot.

Why are drag queens such good swimmers?

Because they're very flambuoyant.

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How do you know which swimmer is the sex offender?

It’s the breast stroker

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A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

"So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their inte...

Why don't the Cubans have Olympic swimmers?

Because they make it here.

You ever heard of that one swimmer with heart problems?

I guess you can say he had bad backstrokes

What do you call a professional swimmer who is also an ex priest?

Holy diver

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Why don’t male swimmers race in the nude

Because some of them would swim in circles

What is grey, has wings and is a terrible swimmer?

A castle.

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

An Olympic swimmer...

...is on a cruise ship, when it hits a reef and sinks. Bobbing in the waves, he spies an island in the distance, makes for it, and barely gets ashore. All he finds on the isle are fruit trees, a female sheep and a big dog. The fruit trees provide sustenance, but he starts to feel lonely. The sheep h...

I'm going to make a movie about a teenage boy and his journey to becoming an Olympic swimmer. I'm going to name it...

Wet Dreams

Did you hear about the case between the boater and the swimmer?

It was better known as Row vs. Wade


I'll show myself out.....

A great swimmer had no arms

An interviewer asks how he swims so fast without them. He responds "I use my legs"

An even greater swimmer had no legs.

An interviewer asks how he swims so fast without them. He responds "I use my arms"

The greatest swimmer had neither arms or legs

An interviewer asks how...

Why do the best swimmers come from Flint, Michigan?

Because they're always in the lead.

An Egyptian man won't accept that he is a bad swimmer, so he jumped into the river...

He's still in the Nile.

What do you use to tell how fast an Olympic swimmer is going?

A speedo meter

They call someone who wears boxer shorts a boxer, they call someone who wears swim shorts a swimmer, but what do you call someone who doesn't wear any shorts at all?

A swinger.

A message to any weak/beginning swimmers thinking about swimming in the deep end of the pool today:

I'd advise you not to; you'll be in over your head.

Why aren't there any Mexican swimmers in the Olympics?

Because they're all in the US

What's the difference between an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic diver?

Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows


Yeah, I know it's old....

What did the pool cleaner say to the impatient swimmer?

Whoa, whoa, whoa... Wade just a minute.

3 blondes are lost in the desert

They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles.

Luckily, a genie just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish."

The first blonde wished she was an excellen...

Did you hear about the Scooby Doo villain who became an Olympic swimmer?

He would have won, if it weren't for all those medaling swimmers!

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Pravda, the Soviet state newspaper, was running a feature on former Soviet Olympians.

Their reporter began by interviewing three retired Soviet swimmers.
First, he asks the Russian swimmer "Which was your favorite stroke in the 400m freestyle?"
The Russian replies "The front crawl. Is fast, powerful, and gets me to the finish line."
Next, the reporter turns to the Byel...

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What do you call it when a bunch of Olympic swimmers have the shits for days?

Dia-Rio.

Whats do you call soft tissue between a sharks teeth ?

A slow swimmer.

Business competitors

Two friendly competitors in the NY garment center go on vacation to Miami Beach. Saul is not a good swimmer and goes out too far from the beach and realizes he is in trouble. He yells for Herbie who dives into the water and pulls Saul into the shallow water. When Saul is out of trouble Herbie asks h...

Swimming Coach: "Hey! Why are you doing only the backstroke?"

Swimmer: "Because I just ate, sir. I don't want to swim on a full stomach."

I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my Speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers.

I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he was not being asked to leave.

“Because he hasn’t shat himself,” was the reply.

Marine biologists were baffled by why Jaws would always swim away after chomping off swimmers' legs.

Turns out he's lack toes intolerant.

A blonde is in a swimming competition.

She comes in dead last in the 100m breast stroke. After she climbs out of the pool, she walks over to the referee.

"I don't want to sound like a whiner," she says, "but I think the other swimmers were using their arms."

To survive in a rainforest, it is important to remember.....

To survive in a rainforest, it is important to remember that when you are being chased by a jaguar, jumping in a piranha-infested river is no help.

Jaguars are excellent swimmers.

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A Billionaire’s Party

A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers. Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

*"If you could all please direct your attention to the p...

What did they say about the guy who stole Michael Phelp's custom-ordered PC?

He had a swimmer's build.

Why does the Olympics swimming have lifeguards?

In case one of the swimmers has a stroke.

My wife is like a waterpark

She’s wet some months, dry in others, and inside there are little swimmers

Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.

Sunday off

Six girls, one guy, sailing a boat in the open ocean. Tragedy strikes, and the boat slowly starts to sink. None of the girls know how to swim and they desperately beg the guy to save them. The brawny guy indeed saves all of them.

They end up in a desert island, and wonder what they will do w...

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My wife got a bit frisky earlier and demanded we have sex in the shower....

At least half of the other swimmers weren’t happy about it.

Trump dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he is greeted by the devil.

The devil says that there are 3 other people here that have done less bad than Trump, so Trump gets to decide which one goes to heaven so he can take their place.

The devil opens 3 doors, the first door has Richard Nixon in it. Nixon is swim...

What fish makes the best mechanic?

A TunerFish!
My son made that joke. Credit to my fast swimmers.

Last year, a group of us in a triathlon were run over by a speed boat, and I was one of the lucky few who survived.

All I got was some swimmer’s ear.

Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.

Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran ver...

Three babies are in their mother's womb.

One of them says, "I want to be an artist so everyone knows what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be a swimmer because I get so much practice in here." The last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm going to chop that th...

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Blonde Race

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all lifeguards. Each thought they were better swimmers than the others. So they decided to have a race down across the town lake. To make the race fair it was decided that everyone was to use the breaststroke.
The lake was huge so it took the redhead, obv...

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A mama shark and a her pup were swimming by a beach

The pup turnes to its mother and said "Mom, I'm hungry".

"Just find some swimmer, swim a couple laps around him, and dig in, child", she replies.

The pup is impatient and says "But swimming laps takes so long! I'm just going to dig in instead".

"Go ahead, but don't come crying t...

The one about the quickly wed couple

So a man, lets call him Dan, meets this girl, we'll call her Stacy, on a blind date. They hit it off right away and chat the night away. Well they go on another date, this one went even better than the last, Dan's heart flutters every time he thinks of her. So then Dan asks her on a third date and t...

Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics?

Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.

A young man was a lifeguard and a swim instructor

All summer the young man would go to the neighborhood pool. In the mornings he would teach children of all ages pool safety and how to swim. In the afternoons he sat up in the big chair and watched swimmers.

Soon summer led to fall. The pool closed. The young man returned to school in the cit...

Why didn't Mexico win any medals at the Olympics?

Their best runners and swimmers are in America

A boat full of people is stranded in a boat a few miles off shore....

A boat full of people is stranded in a boat a few miles off shore. But the water is infested with man eating sharks. A man, steps up and says "I am a doctor at peak physical strength, I'll swim to shore and get help." He jumps into the water and is almost immediately eaten. Another man steps up and ...

Another blonde joke: So this blonde (let's call her Staci) is driving along the highway...

She sees a blonde woman in the middle of freshly ploughed farmer's field, sitting in a row boat, rowing like crazy.

Staci is livid! She pulls over and races over to the fence to give the woman an earfull.

"You stupid, moronic cow! Can't you see you're perpetuating a baseless stereotype...

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A little lizard is walking along a tree branch...

Something wonderful hit his nostrils. It was unlike anything he had ever smelled before. He followed the scent to another branch where he saw his friend, the Koala Bear, smoking the fattest joint he had ever seen.

"Damn, K-Bear, that's the dankest weed I've ever smelled!" said the lizard....

Two Italians having a conversation...

First one says: So i heard that you're good swimmer.
Second one replies: Yeah, i was a postman in Venice for 4 years.

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Donald Trump has scheduled a speech at the same time as the Olympics Marathon swimming...

Its always a sad sight to see so many people exposed to rivers of shit and human waste, that's why I have decided to watch the swimmers instead.

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A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

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If people were animals who would be the dolphin?

The Cubans because they're the strongest swimmers.

...Dogs? Chinese because it's a dog eat dog world.

...Beavers? Mexicans because they're mostly into construction.

...Cockroaches? ISIS because they're still there no matter how many times you bomb the place.

There were 500 bricks on a plane...

One fell out. How many were left?

499

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.

What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

Open the door, take the elephant out, put th...

A blonde, a burnette and a redhead are stranded on an island 15 miles from shore...

The burnette says "I have always been a very good swimmer, I will swim to shore and send help." She swims out 5 miles then drowns.

The next day the redhead says, "I was on the swim team in highschool, I know I can swim 15 miles, I will go get help." She swims out 10 miles and drowns.

T...

There was once a rich politician (long)

He had everything you could possibly want: countless wealth, endless land, and a beautiful mansion. But he also had an 18-year-old daughter, and she had not yet found a suitable husband.

To ensure that his daughter would find the right man to marry, he conducted a test. He invited every young...

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