A message to any weak/beginning swimmers thinking about swimming in the deep end of the pool today:

I'd advise you not to; you'll be in over your head.

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why are men better swimmers than women?

because men are part semen

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Three disabled swimmers are competing in one tournament

First does not have legs, judges is asking him how he is going to swim he answers "You will see" and he is thrown into the water. He finishes the race using only his arms.
Second one does not have arms, again judge asks him how he is going to do it, he replies "You will see". He is jumps in to t...

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A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

"So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their inte...

Did you hear about the case between the boater and the swimmer?

It was better known as Row vs. Wade


I'll show myself out.....

I'm going to make a movie about a teenage boy and his journey to becoming an Olympic swimmer. I'm going to name it...

Wet Dreams

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

You ever heard of that one swimmer with heart problems?

I guess you can say he had bad backstrokes

If one synchronised swimmer drowns...

...do the others have to as well?

How does a narcoleptic swimmer keep from drowning?

With a snorekel.

A young man was a lifeguard and a swim instructor

All summer the young man would go to the neighborhood pool. In the mornings he would teach children of all ages pool safety and how to swim. In the afternoons he sat up in the big chair and watched swimmers.

Soon summer led to fall. The pool closed. The young man returned to school in the cit...

Why are dogs such good swimmers?

Cause they’re good buoys

What are swimmers afraid of dying from?

A bad stroke.

My wife is like a waterpark

She’s wet some months, dry in others, and inside there are little swimmers

Charlie Sheen's a fantastic swimmer!

His breast stroke's impeccable

What do you call a swimmer with no arms and no legs?

Bob

A shark is teaching his kid how to attack swimmers.

"Make sure your dorsal fin is above the water and swim toward them *really fast*, then veer away at the last moment. Do that a few times, and then go back and eat them."

"But why not just come up from below and eat them right away?"

"Well, they taste a lot better if you *empty* 'em fir...

Why are drag queens such good swimmers?

Because they're very flambuoyant.

I’ve always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns

Why are swimmers good at soccer?

Because they dive a lot.

What fish makes the best mechanic?

A TunerFish!
My son made that joke. Credit to my fast swimmers.

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

What do you call the soft tissue between a sharks teeth?

The slow swimmer!

What's an Irish swimmer's favourite stroke?

Margaret Thatcher's.

Daddy's little swimmer

A class of 8 years old are at the winning pool. All the kids jump in except little Johnny who has Down Syndrom.
Teacher comes to him and asks if he can swim.
"yes I can" he answers
"Are you afraid to go in?"
"No" he answers.
"Go ahead, jump and enjoy then" says the teacher
So littl...

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How do you know which swimmer is the sex offender?

It’s the breast stroker

A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are stuck on an island.

They figure out that they are 100 miles from the mainland. They decide to try to swim home. The redhead goes first, gets 10 miles, and comes back. She said it was too hard and too far. The brunette goes next, swims 25 miles, and comes back. She too says it was too far and she got tired. Finally, the...

What do you use to tell how fast an Olympic swimmer is going?

A speedo meter

Michael Phelps is such a good swimmer...

He was conceived anally

What is grey, has wings and is a terrible swimmer?

A castle.

Three babies are in their mother's womb.

One of them says, "I want to be an artist so everyone knows what it looks like in here." The next one says, "I want to be a swimmer because I get so much practice in here." The last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm going to chop that th...

I heard a swimmer shout "Help shark help!!

I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!

Trump dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he is greeted by the devil.

The devil says that there are 3 other people here that have done less bad than Trump, so Trump gets to decide which one goes to heaven so he can take their place.

The devil opens 3 doors, the first door has Richard Nixon in it. Nixon is swim...

An Egyptian man won't accept that he is a bad swimmer, so he jumped into the river...

He's still in the Nile.

Why didn't the hippie save the drowning swimmer?

He was too far out man

3 blondes are lost in the desert

They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles.

Luckily, a genie just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish."

The first blonde wished she was an excellen...

Why do the best swimmers come from Flint, Michigan?

Because they're always in the lead.

I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my Speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers.

I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he was not being asked to leave.

“Because he hasn’t shat himself,” was the reply.

A great swimmer had no arms

An interviewer asks how he swims so fast without them. He responds "I use my legs"

An even greater swimmer had no legs.

An interviewer asks how he swims so fast without them. He responds "I use my arms"

The greatest swimmer had neither arms or legs

An interviewer asks how...

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What do you call it when a bunch of Olympic swimmers have the shits for days?

Dia-Rio.

What do you call a retired professional swimmer?

Washed up.

Why aren't there any Mexican swimmers in the Olympics?

Because they're all in the US

Did you hear about the Scooby Doo villain who became an Olympic swimmer?

He would have won, if it weren't for all those medaling swimmers!

What's the difference between an Olympic swimmer and an Olympic diver?

Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows


Yeah, I know it's old....

Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.

"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains ...

Marine biologists were baffled by why Jaws would always swim away after chomping off swimmers' legs.

Turns out he's lack toes intolerant.

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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.
'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll...

An Olympic swimmer...

...is on a cruise ship, when it hits a reef and sinks. Bobbing in the waves, he spies an island in the distance, makes for it, and barely gets ashore. All he finds on the isle are fruit trees, a female sheep and a big dog. The fruit trees provide sustenance, but he starts to feel lonely. The sheep h...

Where would you find an Egyptian psychopathic swimmer?

In denial.

Once upon a time there was a monk, who farmed carrots.

Every day a thief would sneak into his farm and steal 3 carrots. The monk always tried to stop him, but never succeeded. He began to wonder why the thief was stealing exactly 3 carrots each time. He decided he was going to stop the thief. He started chasing him through the fields, but got outran ver...

Last year, a group of us in a triathlon were run over by a speed boat, and I was one of the lucky few who survived.

All I got was some swimmer’s ear.

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Beautiful lady

A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away...

She said, “But we don't know anything about each other”...

He said, “That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along”...

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoo...

Why doesn't Mexico host the Olympic games?

All the good runners, jumpers, and swimmers are in the US.

Another blonde joke: So this blonde (let's call her Staci) is driving along the highway...

She sees a blonde woman in the middle of freshly ploughed farmer's field, sitting in a row boat, rowing like crazy.

Staci is livid! She pulls over and races over to the fence to give the woman an earfull.

"You stupid, moronic cow! Can't you see you're perpetuating a baseless stereotype...

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A mama shark and a her pup were swimming by a beach

The pup turnes to its mother and said "Mom, I'm hungry".

"Just find some swimmer, swim a couple laps around him, and dig in, child", she replies.

The pup is impatient and says "But swimming laps takes so long! I'm just going to dig in instead".

"Go ahead, but don't come crying t...

Why didn't Mexico win any medals at the Olympics?

Their best runners and swimmers are in America

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It’s all in the breasts

So these three young women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, are in a race to see who can swim the breaststroke fastest all the way across the English Channel.

12 hours and 30 minutes after the start of the race the brunette arrives on the far side and is pronounced the winner. 1 hour la...

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A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

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Death awaits

4 friends are hanging out at an abandon hospital. Their names are Eric, David, Stacy, and Mohammad. Eric is an outgoing guy who will often spend his weekends stunt driving. David just got out of basic training, Stacy is a professional swimmer, and Mohammad makes coffins for a living, and in his free...

There once was a young engineer...

There once was a young engineer, who after having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. He and his family built a cabin and began spending time there ev...

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Blonde Logic Highlights

Blonde Logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!

March - Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"

Apr...

Jesus and Moses Sit On A Boat Enjoying Retirement

**JESUS** Hey Moses, do you still, you know..... have it?

**MOSES** Have it?

**JESUS** Ya Ya.... You know.... That "trick" you used to do.

**MOSES** Oh buddy, I've still got it.

Moses moves to the front of the boat, shakes out his hands, claps them together and slowly sep...

A blonde, a burnette and a redhead are stranded on an island 15 miles from shore...

The burnette says "I have always been a very good swimmer, I will swim to shore and send help." She swims out 5 miles then drowns.

The next day the redhead says, "I was on the swim team in highschool, I know I can swim 15 miles, I will go get help." She swims out 10 miles and drowns.

T...

Why does Mexico never get gold medals in olympics?

Because all their swimmers, runners, and high jumpers are in USA.

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Blonde Race

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were all lifeguards. Each thought they were better swimmers than the others. So they decided to have a race down across the town lake. To make the race fair it was decided that everyone was to use the breaststroke.
The lake was huge so it took the redhead, obv...

The Sea Serpent

Once upon a time there was a great swimmer. He lived near the sea and every morning he went for a swim.

One day there was a huge storm. Dark clouds were gathering and there were great thunders. The swimmer did not care. He jumped into the sea and started his usual routine.

Alas, the ...

There were 500 bricks on a plane...

One fell out. How many were left?

499

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.

What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

Open the door, take the elephant out, put th...

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Donald Trump has scheduled a speech at the same time as the Olympics Marathon swimming...

Its always a sad sight to see so many people exposed to rivers of shit and human waste, that's why I have decided to watch the swimmers instead.

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Mama shark and baby shark

Mama shark and Baby shark are swimming in the ocean. Mama shark turns to Baby shark and says "Baby shark, do you see those swimmers up there on the surface? I'm gonna teach you how to hunt. Watch this". So Mama shark swims up, sticks her fin out of the water, circles them 3 times, and then eats them...

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The Lodger

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.

After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few week...

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