What's big, yellow and doesn't float?

An excavator.

Didn't think that was funny?
Neither did the driver

I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float.

Needless to say, it was soup rising.

Did you hear about the Pride Parade float that fell over?

Apparently it was top-heavy

What do you call a girl that can float on water?

Boyn't

I'm opening a floating restaurant on a houseboat where we sell ice cream tacos, and our mascot is a gorilla dressed like an ancient Mongolian warrior.

I call it "Attila Gorilla's Vanilla Tortilla Flotilla"

Why do dogs float?

because they're good buoys

A couple ducks are floating on a pond, and one of them goes, “Quack!”

The other duck looks over and says, “Wow, I was just gonna say that!”

What kind of wood doesn't float?

Natalie Wood

A luxury boat sank and a passenger was holding on to a floating piano...

All of a sudden, someone floats by sitting atop a floating cello and asks: “ May I accompany you?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has 3 balls and floats through outer space?

E.T., The Extra Testicle

Why do girls float?

They are boyn’t.

Two balloons are floating in the desert. First one says to other:

"Watch out for cactusssssssssss..."

"Where it isssssssssssss..."

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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the sea?

Completely fucked

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

I told my gf that i had a crush on beyonce!

And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"

And i said "No that's **Buoyancy**"

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A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

So he went to a sex shop and started looking around. He goes up to the clerk and explains his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, strap ons, eggs, bullets, wing-wangers and fling-flongers..."

The Businessman in...

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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

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A man was on a ship that sunk, and after floating for days he washed up on a deserted island....

He was stranded for many years on this island, but fortunately food was easy to come by. Fruits and vegetables grew abundantly all over the island, and the fish were so easy to catch it was almost like they *wanted* to be caught. Unfortunately, this meant that he had hours and hours of free time th...

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.

It was a bit choppy.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

I had a dream I was floating in a sea of Orange bliss.

Too bad it was only a fanta sea.

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What do you call masturbating while floating down a river?

Toobin

I saw an ad for Ultra Light beer...

You gotta tie the bottles down otherwise they float away.

(Steven Wright inspired this one)

A Test of Faith

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk and a Jehovah's witness, tired of the endless debates, decided to prove amongst themselves which faith was the real one, once and for all.

All three decided on the test:
They must each, one after the other, jump off a tall, steep cliff, and chant the ...

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Two bananas are sitting by a river

When a piece of poo comes floating by.

"You guys should come in the water it feels great" says the poo

One banana turns to the other and says

"Can you believe this shit?"

Little Johnny in Religion Class

The teacher in religion class asks, "What part of your body do you think arrives in heaven first?"

Little Johnny shoots his hand in the air. A chill runs through the teacher and she pretends not to see him. "Mary, you had your hand up first. What do you think?"

Mary straightens up in h...

FLOAT

Someone asked me to make a root beer float I kindly asked him to go outside, he agreed and I made the root beer and tied some balloons. I still have no idea why he was mad.

A woman is giving birth on a boat

The baby comes out, but a sudden wave causes the boat to rock and the child is sent tumbling overboard into the ocean. The parents are horrified, until they see that the child is miraculously floating in the water, completely unharmed.

It’s a buoy.

You hear about the anchored float who only employed his mates?

Jobs for the buoys

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

What’s yellow and can’t float?

A school bus full of kids

How do you make a dead baby float?

2 scoops of ice cream
1 scoop of dead baby

Why do male ants float in water ?

Because they are boy-ant

I was showing my friend my new golf ball.

I was showing my friend my new golf ball.
"It's impossible to lose," I said. "If you hit it into the rough it sends out a GPS signal so you can track it down."
"That's great," he replied, "but what happens if you it hit into the water?"
"Simple. The ball floats to the surface and tracks its...

What will you call a big broken glacier piece, floating towards United Kingdom?

Iceburgh

I kept wondering why the ball was floating in front of me

Then it hit me

She went missing !

Husband: My wife is missing. She went mountain biking yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 25 and 35. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weig...

Two men are going golfing, when one stops by the pro shop...

"I need to get a sleeve of balls, you want me to pick you up some"



"No thanks. I just need this one."



"Just one ball? What if you hit it deep into the woods?"



"Well, it makes a whistle after you hit it. Can't lose it. I only need this one."

...

What do you call a dog floating in water?

A good buoy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW: hope this isn't a repost, never seen it here, but one of my favorites I heard at least 20 years ago . A woman is walking alone on the beach one day....

Enjoying the beautiful day when she stubs her toe and stumbles over something in the sand. She turns around and is stunned to see a genie rising from smoke out of a lamp. The genie looks at her twirling his goatee and informs her he can grant her one wish. She takes a moment to ponder her decision a...

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The woodland statues and the Fairy

Two statues have stood facing each other for over a 1000 years. A handsome Male and a beautiful Female. One day a Fairy floats down from the sky and tells them that she has seen them there for ages and will treat them to half an hour as humans.

As soon as she had waved her magic wand and they...

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

One sunny day, Jesus, Moses and a small elderly man were playing golf.

Jesus was the first to tee off. He hit the ball a little to the left, and it ended up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus his ball floated, and when he got down to the hazard, he walked upon the water and hit the ball into the green.

Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus, he too...

A magician & his parrot on a cruise ship

A magician and his parrot had been working the cruise ship circuit for quite a few years now, and the parrot seems bored and cranky. He starts heckling the magician and ruining the magician’s act by telling the audience how the tricks were done. “He had the dove up his sleeve the whole time!” and ...

Who was the greatest financier from the Bible?

Noah, of course!
He was floating all his stock, while everyone else was in liquidation!

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A man is sitting at a bar. Another gentleman walks up and sits next to him. The first man looks at the new comer and says to him “did You know this bar is so high up in the tower that you can jump out the window and the gusts will lift you up and float you right back in the window?”

The new guy looks at him, astonished at this. The first guy says “watch I’ll show you”, takes a shot of whiskey, runs over to the window and jumps out. Thirty seconds later he floats right back up and through the window and walks back over to the Other gentleman.

Amazed, the other guy says “I...

There’s three paraplegics. One is floating in water, one is on your door step and one is hanging on your wall.

Meet Bob, Matt and Art.

pennywise: we all float down here

**pennyfoolish:** *[...drowning]*

What do you call a cow floating above the ground?

A hoofercraft.

How do you tell the difference between a female and male ant?

A girl ant sinks in water.

A buoyant floats.

I had a really weird dream last night. I was floating on an ocean of orange flavoured fizzy drink, then Queen music started to play. I found myself wondering;

Is this the real life? Is this just fanta sea?

A cloud floated into the bar for a drink

The bartender said “I’m sorry, but your thunder-aged”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife wanted some floating shelves in the sitting room.

Now all she does is bitch about the water.

Just mentioned to the missus that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “Whatever floats your boat.” she said.

“No.” I said. “That’s buoyancy.”

What's floating above a mass grave?

Team spirit

Two lawyers stranded on an island.

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.

The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.

Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the la...

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Two whales are chilling in the ocean when a boat floats above them...

Whale 1: Hey, you know what would be funny? If we went under the boat and tipped it over with our blow holes.

Whale 2: Haha yeah, let's do it!

*The two whales proceed to go under the boat, blow their blow holes and tip it over*

Whale 1: Hahaha that was great! You know what woul...

IF i ever see a billion dollars fall from the sky and float around in front of me i am going to grab it.

I suddenly understand fish on a whole new level.

Sticks float

They would

I had a friend who was always dressed well, and could float on lava.

He was flamboyant.

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

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What floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee?

Nothing.

Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion.

After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country ...

We tried contactless delivery the other night

It was weird, the baby just kinda floated out of a flesh cave

What floats on the water and goes quick?

A South African duck.

A friend of mine can float one inch off the ground when he drinks Jack Daniels.

He’s a bourbon legend.

Why was the LGBT parade float a disaster?

Their tranny stopped working

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Mohammed Ali could float like a butterfly and sting like a bee

He would be dead after one punch.

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Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf at a club famous for it's floating green.

When approaching the tee box Moses reminds Jesus that he never makes the green and he should just lay it up for the easy chip. Jesus replies, "Arnold Palmer drives this green, so can I."

Sure enough, plop in the water goes Jesus's ball. Moses being nice, parts the water and retrieves the bal...

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was Goldschläger

Weird flecks, but ok.

My friend Claire predicted she'd be able to float in water

Guess she thought she was Claire bouyant.

Why does the Buddha float in water?

Because he’s enlightened

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plumber apprentice, carrying a large, heavy tool box and a master plumber go out for a job.

They get to an overflowing sewer with poop floating on top. The master puffs his cigarette a few times and put it to rest on a rock. Takes his hat off, hold his breath and dips his head into the water to take a look. After a second or so, gets his head out:

"Give me the 9/16 wrench!"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a used Tampon floating down a river?

A blood vessel.

How amazing is that scene from The Last Jedi where Rey makes the boulders float..

CGI Rocks!

What do you call it when Freddie Mercury floats?

Flam-buoyant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A punjabi joke (NSFW) Long

An punjabi paratrooper’s mum has a dream that his son’s parachute doesn’t open and he falls to his death. She pleads with him to not go to work today. He says “Mum ! I can’t just not turn up, it’s army after all . I will however request my sergeant to spare me the jump today”

As planned he a...

A floating head walks into a bar.

He sits down at the bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Upon downing the glass, the man's torso suddenly appears.

"Wow this beer sure is amazing!" Says the man."Bring me another!"

So the bartender brings him another drink, and after finishing it, the man's arms appear.

"Fant...

A magician gets himself a parrot for his act

After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."

The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with ...

Ants can float on water using their toes. But why can't larger ants float on milk?

Because they lack toes in taller ants.

Two amoebae are floating along in a prehistoric ocean.

Amoeba 1: Weird...I think I just took in a breath of air.

Amoeba 2: Nah. You're probably imagining things.

Amoeba 1: Yeah. False aspirations, I guess.

Two Italian guys, Dino and Marcello, go fishing on a boat

Suddenly, Dino spots an old WWII bomb floating towards them.

Dino screams "Marcello! Look! It's a mine!"

Marcello -scared- replies "Okay okay Dino, you can a have it!"

A kid once asked his father during dinner, "Dad, is eating flies healthy for you?"

The dad, disgusted, quickly replied, "hush now son, we don't discuss things like that over dinner. Ask me later."

Afterwards, the dad approached his son and asked him, "now, remind me of what you wanted to ask again?"

The son replied, "oh don't worry about it now dad. There was a fly f...

Three in floating in the Ocean.

Three men floating in the ocean in a life raft when a smoke-filled bottle bumps the raft. One guy picks it up and opens it. Out comes the Genie. I will grant you each one wish but it can’t be changed…..The first guy shouts-out, turn the ocean to beer. The other two look at him then shake their heads...

A ghost floats into a bar

He stops at the bar and says “Barkeep, I’ll take a glass of your finest wine.

The bartender doesn’t respond.

The ghost is angered and says, “Your finest wine, or I’m going to haunt your bar.”

Still no response from the bartender.

The ghost says, “Hey buddy, what’s your p...

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The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, wi...

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I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

Y...

Fishing with Bubba

One day a local went in to the sheriff and told him that Bubba was breaking the law when he went fishing. The sheriff called the game warden and sent him to investigate.

The game warden found Bubba at the convenience store packing ice into his beer cooler with a boat attached to his truck....

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"If It Flies, Floats, or Fucks:

**It's cheaper to rent!"**

So I guess it's not really a *joke* as much as it is a saying, but I found it really funny. I was at a BBQ joint, and the owner was arguing with his wife, then came over and said this to a group of us. Hope you guys find it funny and it's acceptable for r/Jokes!

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