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Float Jokes

How do you make a whale float?

Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a whale.
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Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...
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What do you call a dog that floats?

A good bouy
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An apple and a poo were floating down the river.

The poo yells: "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple says: "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"

A little further down the river the poo yells again, "Apple, apple, come play with me." The apple disgustingly replies, "No! Ew! Stay away from me!"

Suddenly a man grabs the apple out the riv...
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The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...
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What kind of boats can float inside volcanoes?

Volcanoes
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How amazing is that scene in The Last Jedi where Rey makes the boulders float..

CGI Rocks!
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Why doesn't Texas float into the gulf?

Because Oklahoma sucks.
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?

Bob.
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Why do dogs float?

because they're good buoys
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does butter sink or float?

Neither, Butterflies

I inherited a magic device that floats in the sky and weaves magic carpets.

You might say it’s a “family air loom.”
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In Moana, why can't Maui float?

Because he's The Rock.
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How do you make a dead baby float?

-2 scoops vanilla icecream

-2 scoops baby

-Add rootbeer and serve
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two whales are chilling in the ocean when a boat floats above them...

Whale 1: Hey, you know what would be funny? If we went under the boat and tipped it over with our blow holes.

Whale 2: Haha yeah, let's do it!

*The two whales proceed to go under the boat, blow their blow holes and tip it over*

Whale 1: Hahaha that was great! You know what woul...

Why do girls float?

They are boyn’t.
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What's big, yellow and doesn't float?

An excavator.

Didn't think that was funny?
Neither did the driver
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There's a floating piece of ham!

I'll believe it when pigs fly.
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What’s yellow and can’t float?

A school bus full of kids
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A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...
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FLOAT

Someone asked me to make a root beer float I kindly asked him to go outside, he agreed and I made the root beer and tied some balloons. I still have no idea why he was mad.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee?

Nothing.

Whenever my dog goes into the water he doesn't sw, he just floats there

He's a good buoy
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I told my gf that i had a crush on beyonce!

And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"

And i said "No that's **Buoyancy**"
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Why does the feminine man float on fire?

Because he is flamboyant!
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What do you call a girl that can float on water?

Boyn't
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You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant....

If it floats: boy ant.

All things that float are female

They're boyn't
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My little brother won a goldfish at the local fair. Sadly, the next morning he was floating dead in his little pond.

So now I have to look after the fish.
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Two balloons were floating through the desert

"Hey look, a cactussssss...."
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A man was on a ship that sunk, and after floating for days he washed up on a deserted island....

He was stranded for many years on this island, but fortunately food was easy to come by. Fruits and vegetables grew abundantly all over the island, and the fish were so easy to catch it was almost like they *wanted* to be caught. Unfortunately, this meant that he had hours and hours of free time th...

Sticks float

They would
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Did you hear about the Pride Parade float that fell over?

Apparently it was top-heavy
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Why was the LGBT parade float a disaster?

Their tranny stopped working
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I was boiling some noodles until the pot suddenly began to float.

Needless to say, it was soup rising.
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Ants can float on water using their toes. But why can't larger ants float on milk?

Because they lack toes in taller ants.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has 3 balls and floats through outer space?

E.T., The Extra Testicle

Why does the Buddha float in water?

Because he’s enlightened
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You hear about the anchored float who only employed his mates?

Jobs for the buoys
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Did you hear about the guy with dementia floating out into the great salt lake?

He was drifting slowly into salinity.
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A luxury boat sank and a passenger was holding on to a floating piano...

All of a sudden, someone floats by sitting atop a floating cello and asks: “ May I accompany you?”
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[Translated] a maid sees a used condom floating in the commode and frantically calls the madam .

When the madam arrives,she points the condom and asks " What's this ?"

Madam who was clearly annoyed asks " Don't they have sex in your Village? "

Maid " we do but not so much that skin falls off'

What's floating above a mass grave?

Team spirit
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A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.

"Just count to five and pull on the main chute," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve chute."

"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."

The man j...
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A cloud floated into the bar for a drink

The bartender said “I’m sorry, but your thunder-aged”
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What floats on the water and goes quick?

A South African duck.
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A floating head walks into a bar.

He sits down at the bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Upon downing the glass, the man's torso suddenly appears.

"Wow this beer sure is amazing!" Says the man."Bring me another!"

So the bartender brings him another drink, and after finishing it, the man's arms appear.

"Fant...
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Three in floating in the Ocean.

Three men floating in the ocean in a life raft when a smoke-filled bottle bumps the raft. One guy picks it up and opens it. Out comes the Genie. I will grant you each one wish but it can’t be changed…..The first guy shouts-out, turn the ocean to beer. The other two look at him then shake their heads...
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I had a dream I was floating in a sea of Orange bliss.

Too bad it was only a fanta sea.
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I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.

It was a bit choppy.
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My friend Claire predicted she'd be able to float in water

Guess she thought she was Claire bouyant.
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I kept wondering why the ball was floating in front of me

Then it hit me
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The ghost of Ronald Reagan floats into a man's house

As he walks through the wall the man exclaims to his friend 'look dude! Holy s**t its Ronald Reagan! Head on upstairs Mr Reagan you can haunt the attic!'

A few minutes later another ghost floats in, this time its David Bowie. Again the guy yells in excitement 'Dude! It's David Bowie! Mr Bowie...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(An old joke I heard. So sorry if I mess up with the wording.) A dead body was found floating in the river.

..The police recovered it, and found a wallet with the body. They found out that the wallet belonged to Mr. Smith. But they still weren't sure if the dead body was of Mr. Smith or not.

So they did some investigation and found out about the twin brothers Mark and Harry, who were very close fri...

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My wife wanted some floating shelves in the sitting room.

Now all she does is bitch about the water.

A ghost floats into a bar

He stops at the bar and says “Barkeep, I’ll take a glass of your finest wine.

The bartender doesn’t respond.

The ghost is angered and says, “Your finest wine, or I’m going to haunt your bar.”

Still no response from the bartender.

The ghost says, “Hey buddy, what’s your p...
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What will you call a big broken glacier piece, floating towards United Kingdom?

Iceburgh
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If Mohammed Ali could float like a butterfly and sting like a bee

He would be dead after one punch.

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"If It Flies, Floats, or Fucks:

**It's cheaper to rent!"**

So I guess it's not really a *joke* as much as it is a saying, but I found it really funny. I was at a BBQ joint, and the owner was arguing with his wife, then came over and said this to a group of us. Hope you guys find it funny and it's acceptable for r/Jokes!

I had a friend who was always dressed well, and could float on lava.

He was flamboyant.
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How does Thor's home float in space?

_Asgardium leviosa!_
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The floating man

A man named Billy was drinking on a rooftop bar when a dapper fellow came up next to him and ordered a drink.
"Ill take the usual" the dapper fellow says, and the barkeep reaches under the bar and pours the man a shot. He takes it, walks over to the edge of the roof, and jumps.
Billy runs ov...

Two amoebae are floating along in a prehistoric ocean.

Amoeba 1: Weird...I think I just took in a breath of air.

Amoeba 2: Nah. You're probably imagining things.

Amoeba 1: Yeah. False aspirations, I guess.
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A high Tide floats all boats...

and drowns all Bulldawgs.
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What do you call it when Freddie Mercury floats?

Flam-buoyant
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What doesn't float to the top when it dies?

A day old reddit post.
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A man walked past a floating string...

*m* - "Where did you learn to do that?"

*s* - "I'm self-taut!"
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Why was my TV floating out of my house?

There was a Boo-gler
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