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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

I dreamed last night I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda...

Then I woke up and realized it was just a fanta sea.

Women are like swimming pools.

They cost a lot of money to maintain, considering the amount of time you spend inside them.

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

What do swimming pools and old people have in common?

Deep ends

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A male and female whale were swimming...

...off the coast of Japan when they noticed a
whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the
same ship that had harpooned his father many
years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets
both swim under the ship and blow out of our air
holes at the same time and it should cause th...

Two sperm swimming in woman’s body. One says to the other, “how long of a trip is this?”

“I don’t know but we are coming up on the esophagus”

An uncle of mine used to throw a space heater into the pool to heat it up before he would go swimming during the colder months

Come to think of it, he only did it once

My swimming teacher asked me what my favourite stroke was

I replied "the one that finished off Thatcher".

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool

so I gave him a glass of water.

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

Cost me an arm and a leg!

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool!

But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

Use swimming goggles

They will change your swimming view

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

Bob

what does the internet use when swimming?

googles. i think this OC but i could be wrong

I nearly drowned in the swimming pool today.

There was a really fit lifeguard who kept smiling at me so I thought I would do something to impress her.







So I took off my armbands

While sports fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted,

“There wouldn’t by chance be any
alligators in these waters?!”“No,” the old man hollered back, “haven’t been any for years!” Feeling relieved, the tourist
started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway toward shore he asked the old man,
“Say, how’d you get rid of the gators, any...

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A Father whale and his son are swimming when.....

A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

A hole has been discovered in the swimming pool changing rooms.

The police are looking into it.

A blonde boy, and brunette boy, and a redhead were talking one day about swimming.

The brunette boy says, "My dad was so rough on me. He used to take me to the local pool and make me swim laps for four hours a day! I nearly drowned a couple times!"

The blonde boy replies, "You learned to swim in a pool!? My dad just rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me over the...

What do you call someone who refuses to accept that they're swimming in an African river?

in de Nile.

An old sperm and a young sperm were swimming towards the egg.

When the young sperm asked, "How long until we reach the egg?"
The old sperm replied, "it's gonna be a while, we just passed the tonsils."

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

To teach me how to swim my dad rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me in.

The swimming was easy, it was the burlap sack that gave me a hard time.

Overheard at the Community Swimming Pool

Lifeguard: Kowalski, you are officially banned from the pool.

Kowalski: Why is that?

Lifeguard: Because you pee in the pool.

Kowalski: But I'm not the only one.

Lifeguard: You are the only one who does it from the diving board.

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?

hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

Two cats are having a swimming race across a pool. The first one is named one-two-three-cat The other is named une-deux-trois-cat Who wins

one-two-three-cat wins

une-deux-trois-cat-cinq

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

I recently got water in my ear while swimming

The feeling was quite ear-ittating.

I used to be addicted to swimming

But I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for 6 years now.

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I was at a swimming pool with poop in my pants but they came off me and floated away

That's when i lost my shit

A young man goes into the public swimming pool because he wants to swim the 100 meters.

At the edge of the pool are sitting three elderly ladies and watch him swimming the 100 meters in one and a half minutes.

As he climbs out of the pool, one of the three ladies says, "Not bad, but I'm 70 years old and can do it better!" "I do not think so, you have to prove that to me!" Says ...

How do youtubers get in swimming pools?

They just *jump into it*

Went swimming today at the public pool, decided to pee in the deep end

Lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loudly it startled me and I almost fell in

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Two whales are swimming in the sea...

These two whales, we'll call them Mamma and son, were swimming in the wild blue yonder when Mamma saw a boat, she said to son "Son you keep your distance from them boats." For it was a harpoon boat, but just as they were turning around, BANG! THUD, the harpoon went right into the side of Mamma. Dow...

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean and encounter a whale hunting ship.

The first whale is furious, and says to the second, “look over there! Those are the people that killed our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, friends! We should take revenge!” The second whale is also angry on hearing this, and agrees, saying, “what should we do?” The first whale thinks for a whil...

What game do unvaccinated kids play in the swimming pool ?

Marco Polio

I robbed a swimming pool supply store last night.

I need to lilo for a while.

I started swimming last week

The instructor asked me what my favourite stroke was. Apparently the one that killed Margaret Thatcher was the wrong answer cuz now I'm banned

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I was at the local swimming pools today

And decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The life guard must’ve noticed.

He blew his whistle so fucking loud I almost fell in.

Two fish are swimming in a river when they both run into a brick wall...

One looks at the other and says "dam"

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

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The rabbit(R) is sitting by the lake smoking weed, a beaver(B) is swimming by, sees the rabbit and asks

B: hey, what you got there?
R: oh, this thing is called weed and it does some insane shit. You inhale hold it, swit to the other side and exhale. It makes you feel sooooo goood.
B: lemme try
The rabbit gives him the weed, the beaver does like the rabbit said, comes out the other side of the...

Two bears are swimming in water, a black bear and a white bear. Which one dissolves?

The white one, because it's polar.

3 women of different hair colours get shipwrecked on a small desert island 1km away from a civilised island.

The first woman, who has brown hair, attempts to swim to the civilised island, but only gets 200 metres before getting tired and swimming back. The next woman, with black hair, sees the first one’s attempt and also tries. She gets 400 metres before tiring and swimming back. The blonde then has a try...

Two sperm were swimming trying to find an egg.

The first sperm says, “why is this taking so long, are we almost in the uterus?”

The second sperm says “We still have a way to go, we are only half way down the esophagus!

My girlfriend moans every time we go swimming, so I've nicknamed her Jesus.

Because she's always turning water into whine.

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Blonde joke that you never heard before

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

I’ve always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns

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A mama shark and a her pup were swimming by a beach

The pup turnes to its mother and said "Mom, I'm hungry".

"Just find some swimmer, swim a couple laps around him, and dig in, child", she replies.

The pup is impatient and says "But swimming laps takes so long! I'm just going to dig in instead".

"Go ahead, but don't come crying t...

How do you know a swimming pool is safe for diving

It deep ends.

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What do you call hitler when he’s swimming underwater?

ADOLFin

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing....

A man is illegally fishing

So a man is illegally fishing for 2 hours, at this point he has a bucket full of fish and he’s still fishing, out of nowhere a cop comes in and tells him

“You know you can’t fish here right? It’s illegal, I’m gonna have to arrest you.”

The man hides the pole and replies:

“Oh no...

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

3 blondes are lost in the desert

They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles.

Luckily, a genie just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish."

The first blonde wished she was an excellen...

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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wi...

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it...

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

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Three men climb to the diving pad at a swimming pool.

A fairy appeared there and grants them a wish each. Three men think for a while then the first one jumps and wishes for beer and all of a sudden the pool is brimming with beer. Second one jumps and wishes for money and the pool is brimming with dollar bills. Third one is about to jump but slips says...

What do you tell a swimming pool that you’re angry at?

You’re **Piscine** me off

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A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began swimming.

A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water. Then the redhead.

About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the re...

If your stuck on a desert island what record would like to have?

Long-distance swimming record would be handy.

One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.

There he ...

An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

Elvis climbs out of his swimming pool..

..watched by his wife Priscilla. As soon as he climbs out he falls back in again. This happens over and over until finally Priscilla asks him what's going on.

"I just can't help falling in, love."

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Three guys are having a good time at a swimming pool

Suddenly a genie appears. He says: " Y'all have a free wish! Just go onto that springboard, say what you wish for and the pool will be filled with whatever you wished for!
The first guy thinks "great", goes to the springboard says "Chocolate" and jumps. He lands in the pool filled with chocolate ...

After Australian Prime Minister Harold Holt went swimming at the beach one day and never returned...

...we named a public swimming pool after him.

(true story)

On an excursion, I decided to go swimming with the Dolphins. Unfortunately, one of them was run over by a boat and killed

I'm really going to miss Dan Marino

Two cats are swimming in a river...

The first cat is named One Two Three and the second cat is named Un Deux Trois.

Which cat makes it across the river first?

One two three because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

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A squad of spermatozoids is swimming.

Their leader is foul-mouthed, but inspirational.

"Keep moving! That fucker can't be far!"

"This is what we trained for! Alicia knew we can't make it all. 'Bitch is dead, now move!"

"We'll take time to pray for the dead once we secure the fucking objective!"

After many hou...

A gal walks into a bar and orders the largest beer they have.

"Sometimes I just need to drown my troubles," she tells the bartender with a heavy sigh. "But I can't convince my boyfriend to go swimming."

I have often wanted to drown my troubles

But I can’t convince my wife to come swimming.

Two prawns called Christian and Terry are out for their morning swim.

Soon they happen upon a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wi...

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Mommy and Uncle Paul

"Hi honey, this is daddy.
Is mommy near the phone?”

A voice on the other end answers: “No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
The little girl quipped.

After a brief pause daddy says “But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do, and he is upsta...

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