I had a dream I was swimming in a sea of orange soda.

It was my Fanta sea.

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

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A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father, "where did I come from."

The father whale replies, "from my penis son."

The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad"

to which the father whale replies, "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

Bob.

Last night i had a dream that i was swimming in an ocean of orange soda

When i woke up i realised it was just a fanta-sea

Why do outdoor swimming pools cost less than indoor swimming pools?

Because there's less overhead.

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Two whales are swimming around.

The first whale says to the second whale

"You know what, it's getting a bit boring. Ya know what? How about we go use our blow holes to capsized that fisher boat over there?"

The second whale then replies..

"What a great idea! Let's go do it!"

So both of the whales go and...

Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and he says...

Dam

HUSBAND: I hate to say this, but your swimming costume is quite tight and revealing.

WIFE: Well, wear your own one then.

Two Frenchmen are going for a walk one day, when they happen upon a swimming pool filled entirely to the brim with loaves of bread.

The first, who happens to be a baker, exclaims "Mon amie, what a beautiful sight! I'm going to dive into this pool."

The second says "I'm not sure that's such a good idea. If you hit the bottom, you're going to be in a lot of pain."

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up.

Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are...

I was just taking a dip in the swimming pool when the lifeguard shouted out..

"What have you got there?"



"Hummus", I replied.

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

If you thought swimming with dolphins was expensive, you should try swimming with sharks ....

It cost me an arm and a leg!

Keep Swimming!

Lead sperm: "Come on guys, keep swimming! I see the egg, we're almost there!"

Sperm in the back: "Those are the tonsils you idiot."

Dad taught me how to swim by throwing me into a lake.

The swimming part was easy. Getting out of the burlap sack took some work.

Teenager Jamie stormed into the house furiously "Dad! You asked me to put a potato in my swimming trunks to impress the girls there!!!"

"You did not specify it had to go in front!!!!!"

Women are like swimming pools.

They cost a lot of money to maintain, considering the amount of time you spend inside them.

Stalin was out swimming, but he began to drown.

A peasant who was passing by jumped in and pulled him safely to shore. Stalin asked the peasant what he would like as a reward. Realizing whom he had saved, the peasant cried out: ‘Nothing! Just please don’t tell anyone I saved you!’

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast when they noticed a whaling ship

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it ...

Why did the lifeguard throw the elephants out of the swimming pool?

They wouldn't keep their trunks up.

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

Three potatoes decide to go to the swimming pool.

The first potato goes to the lowest diving board, does a simple forward flip, and lands flawlessly in the water, before coming back up for air, and swims off.

The second potato climbs to the next diving board, does a more intricate double-backflip in the air, and lands feet-first into the wat...

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A small sperm whale and his dad are swimming through the ocean

He asks his dad where he came from and the dad responds, "my penis, of course!" The son, disgusted, "that's gross! Thanks a lot dad." And the dad says, "you're whale cum!"

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A man passes out while swimming in a river.

A group of people surround the riverbank where the young man was floating.

Then, a cocky medical student pushes through the crowd, dives into the river and pulls the man half out.

He then starts performing CPR on the man, with every chest compression water comes out of the man's mouth....

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool!

But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

Two sperm swimming in woman’s body. One says to the other, “how long of a trip is this?”

“I don’t know but we are coming up on the esophagus”

My swimming teacher asked me what my favourite stroke was

I replied "the one that finished off Thatcher".

An uncle of mine used to throw a space heater into the pool to heat it up before he would go swimming during the colder months

Come to think of it, he only did it once

A blonde boy, and brunette boy, and a redhead were talking one day about swimming.

The brunette boy says, "My dad was so rough on me. He used to take me to the local pool and make me swim laps for four hours a day! I nearly drowned a couple times!"

The blonde boy replies, "You learned to swim in a pool!? My dad just rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me over the...

Use swimming goggles

They will change your swimming view

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

I nearly drowned in the swimming pool today.

There was a really fit lifeguard who kept smiling at me so I thought I would do something to impress her.







So I took off my armbands

what does the internet use when swimming?

googles. i think this OC but i could be wrong

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A disheveled man with a shrunken head walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to relax, so the curious bartender feels comfortable enough to inquire about the man's tiny noggin.

"Sorry to be intrusive.. but how did you end up with such a tiny head?" Asks the bartender.

The man replies: "I was the captain of an elite naval vessel pat...

A hole has been discovered in the swimming pool changing rooms.

The police are looking into it.

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

While sports fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted,

“There wouldn’t by chance be any
alligators in these waters?!”“No,” the old man hollered back, “haven’t been any for years!” Feeling relieved, the tourist
started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway toward shore he asked the old man,
“Say, how’d you get rid of the gators, any...

Overheard at the Community Swimming Pool

Lifeguard: Kowalski, you are officially banned from the pool.

Kowalski: Why is that?

Lifeguard: Because you pee in the pool.

Kowalski: But I'm not the only one.

Lifeguard: You are the only one who does it from the diving board.

An old sperm and a young sperm were swimming towards the egg.

When the young sperm asked, "How long until we reach the egg?"
The old sperm replied, "it's gonna be a while, we just passed the tonsils."

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into
the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When
the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act ...

What do you call someone who refuses to accept that they're swimming in an African river?

in de Nile.

Two cats are having a swimming race across a pool. The first one is named one-two-three-cat The other is named une-deux-trois-cat Who wins

one-two-three-cat wins

une-deux-trois-cat-cinq

There are 500 bricks on a plane, and one falls off. How many are left?

499.

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, put an elephant in, close fridge.

What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?

Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.

The lion king is having a ...

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?

hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

How do youtubers get in swimming pools?

They just *jump into it*

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Two whales are swimming in the sea...

These two whales, we'll call them Mamma and son, were swimming in the wild blue yonder when Mamma saw a boat, she said to son "Son you keep your distance from them boats." For it was a harpoon boat, but just as they were turning around, BANG! THUD, the harpoon went right into the side of Mamma. Dow...

I recently got water in my ear while swimming

The feeling was quite ear-ittating.

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I was at a swimming pool with poop in my pants but they came off me and floated away

That's when i lost my shit

A joke my religion professor told me...

A Dutch Calvinist gets stranded on a deserted island...

He saved his Bible in the shipwreck, so he maintained a prayerful life despite being stranded. The island was full of fruit and wildlife that he could hunt, so he survived well. Every day he swims out to a channel to see if any ships w...

I used to be addicted to swimming

But I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for 6 years now.

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I was at the local swimming pools today

And decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The life guard must’ve noticed.

He blew his whistle so fucking loud I almost fell in.

A young man goes into the public swimming pool because he wants to swim the 100 meters.

At the edge of the pool are sitting three elderly ladies and watch him swimming the 100 meters in one and a half minutes.

As he climbs out of the pool, one of the three ladies says, "Not bad, but I'm 70 years old and can do it better!" "I do not think so, you have to prove that to me!" Says ...

A director of an insane asylum is concerned about how full the asylum is getting and decides to make some space

He consults with the doctors and they create a plan to figure out who needs to stay and who is sane enough to be allowed back into the public. They empty out the swimming pool and gather all the patients round.

"Whoever can swim 2 lengths of this pool will be allowed to leave the asylum" say...

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean and encounter a whale hunting ship.

The first whale is furious, and says to the second, “look over there! Those are the people that killed our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, friends! We should take revenge!” The second whale is also angry on hearing this, and agrees, saying, “what should we do?” The first whale thinks for a whil...

I robbed a swimming pool supply store last night.

I need to lilo for a while.

What game do unvaccinated kids play in the swimming pool ?

Marco Polio

Two bears are swimming in water, a black bear and a white bear. Which one dissolves?

The white one, because it's polar.

Why can’t two elephants go swimming at the same time?

Only one pair of trunks

I started swimming last week

The instructor asked me what my favourite stroke was. Apparently the one that killed Margaret Thatcher was the wrong answer cuz now I'm banned

It was a boys first day on the pirate ship.

He asked the Pirate Captain.

“Why do you have a wooden leg?”

The Pirate Captain replied.

“Argh. I was swimming in the ocean and a shark bit me leg off so I have this wooden peg to replace what’s gone”.

The boy then asked.

“Why do you have a hook for a hand?”
...

Two sperm were swimming trying to find an egg.

The first sperm says, “why is this taking so long, are we almost in the uterus?”

The second sperm says “We still have a way to go, we are only half way down the esophagus!

An oilfield worker drives past the same farm everyday and always notices this pig with 3 legs.

One day he finally decides to stop by the farm and ask the farmer what’s going on with that pig.

“Well,” the farmer says, “my house was burning down one day and my poor old dog was trapped in there. Full on flames and smoke and that pig ran in and saved my dog.”

“Did his leg burn off?...

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The rabbit(R) is sitting by the lake smoking weed, a beaver(B) is swimming by, sees the rabbit and asks

B: hey, what you got there?
R: oh, this thing is called weed and it does some insane shit. You inhale hold it, swit to the other side and exhale. It makes you feel sooooo goood.
B: lemme try
The rabbit gives him the weed, the beaver does like the rabbit said, comes out the other side of the...

I’ve always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

Trump dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he is greeted by the devil.

The devil says that there are 3 other people here that have done less bad than Trump, so Trump gets to decide which one goes to heaven so he can take their place.

The devil opens 3 doors, the first door has Richard Nixon in it. Nixon is swim...

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A group of...

A group of sperm cells in a guys balls are getting ready for their big moment. They all talk about racing to the egg, who will be first, how to get in, etc. But while all the sperm are talking, one sperm cell by the name of Matt instead of chatting is busy working out. He's doing sprints, push ups...

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing....

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day.

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian.
They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being...

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Bob Rob and Knob find a magic water park and decide to go inside

Inside the park they came across a wizard next to a big slide and decide to approach him. As they reach the wizard says:

"Welcome to my magic slide, whatever you shout as you go down the slide is what the swimming pool at the end will be full of"

The 3 friends excitedly climb up the sl...

How do you know a swimming pool is safe for diving

It deep ends.

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A blonde elementary student returned home from school one day...

Mommy, Mommy! I am the only one in class, who can count past 10!

Mom: How amazing...

The other day, Samantha gets home and yells:

Mommy, Mommy! I am the only one in class who can read fluently!

Mom: Uh-huh, great...

The next day, Samantha gets home shouting:
...

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A mama shark and a her pup were swimming by a beach

The pup turnes to its mother and said "Mom, I'm hungry".

"Just find some swimmer, swim a couple laps around him, and dig in, child", she replies.

The pup is impatient and says "But swimming laps takes so long! I'm just going to dig in instead".

"Go ahead, but don't come crying t...

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