UPJOKE
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A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

I was asked if I’d like to make a donation to help the local swimming pool

So I gave them a glass of water

Why are Scandinavians so good at swimming?

Cause they have Finns

What do you call a swimming pool with 4 men in it?

8 ball pool.

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

Three Ducks Were Swimming & Playing Near The Shore Of A Lake

A man approaches, and asks the first duck what his name is and what he is doing. The duck replies "My name is Raymond, and I'm going underwater and blowing bubbles!" The man asks the same of the second duck, and gets the response "My name is Nandy and I'm going underwater and blowing bubbles!" He as...

Swimming Cats

An English cat named “OneTwoThree” and a French cat named “UnDeuxTrois” decided to swim across the lake, but only one cat survived the journey. Which cat made it?

OneTwoThree, because UnDeuxTrois cat sank

Why do Crips like swimming in the ocean?

Because sharks can smell Blood from far away.

I got banned from the local swimming pool today

They banned me for "peeing in the pool".

I tried defending myself by saying *everybody* pees in the pool, but according to them no one does it from the diving board

How do you get 100 Canadians out of a swimming pool in a hurry?

Say: "Would everyone please get out of the swimming pool."

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turn...

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Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

Why is it wrong to have two elephants in the same swimming pool at the same time?

They'll only have one pair of trunks.

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2 whale friends are swimming in the ocean

After a while, they spot a boat and one of the whales goes 'hey! That's the boat that harpooned my father!'

'We have to avenge him!' said the other whale.

So they decided to swim under the boat and blow out of their blowholes at the same time, so the boat would capsize and the men wo...

Why did the kid with thick glasses go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted to get adult super vision.

What do you get if you cross an Aussie PM with a casual swim in the ocean?

A public swimming pool and a new Prime Minister.

I’ve always dreamed of swimming in a body of water filled with soda.

Sadly it’s just a Fanta-sea.

Why don’t you go swimming in Paris?

You would be insane.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

A joke with no porpoise.

So there’s these two whales right? And they’re swimming in the ocean. So one whale looks at the other and says….

“OOoOoooOoooooOoooooOooooOoOooOoOoOooooooooOOOOOOOoooOoOoOoOoO *whale noises* oOoooOOo
OoooOOoOooOooOooooOooOoooooooOoOoOoOoooooOoooOOOOOooooo”

Then the other whale says…...

My local public swimming pool had a big sign on the wall.

It said: “Welcome To Our OOL. Notice there no ‘P’ in it? Let’s keep it that way.”

I always thought it was a pity that they never had a sign that said “Welcome To Our L …”

When I was young, I was so overweight that my mom wouldn't let me take swimming lessons.

It wasn't because of my weight, it was because it was never more than a half an hour since I had eaten.

Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am.But due to covid regulations, swimming in the hotel pool is prohibited"

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"

Security guard :" Well, there is no prohibition about that".

A blonde is in a swimming competition.

She comes in dead last in the 100m breast stroke. After she climbs out of the pool, she walks over to the referee.

"I don't want to sound like a whiner," she says, "but I think the other swimmers were using their arms."

Why is your pig missing a leg?

Why is your pig missing a leg?

-Well, one day I was working at the barn when i accidentally dropped my gas lamp and everything caught on fire, the whole barn was surrounded by the flames and there was no way out. I was pretty sure I was going to die, but suddenly, my pig came running through ...

What's the difference between canoeing and swimming?

Row vs wade

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

Swimming Coach: "Hey! Why are you doing only the backstroke?"

Swimmer: "Because I just ate, sir. I don't want to swim on a full stomach."

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(NSFW) Two whales are swimming in the ocean and discover a little sailing boat...

one whale asks the other:

"Do you want to have some fun? Let's swim under the boat and blow air to make the boat capsize!"

He agrees. So they dive under the boat, blow air and the boat flips.

"This was fun. What do you think about eating the sailors? It would be a shame to let t...

My local Swimming Pool is using a special chemical that will turn the entire Pool red if someone peed in it.

They're lieing it never works.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.
I love supporting the community.

A French cat and a British cat had a swimming race

So a French cat and a British cat, by the names of "One two three Cat" and "Un deux trois Cat" had a swimming race across the channel to decide wether or not to call it the French channel or British channel. One two three Cat won. Why? Because Un deux trois Cat sank.

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole, but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy Bob for advice. Billy Bob explains, "It's those baggy swim shorts that make you look like an old fool. They're years out of style. Bubba, grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized Tater down inside them. I'm tellin' 'ya man y...

Big

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he...

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

I had a dream I was swimming in a ocean of orange soda.

Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea.

My swimming instructor asked, "What's your favourite stroke?"

I said it was the one that finished off my mother-in-law.

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I was swimming with my friend when he yelled "A shark bit my foot!"

I asked: "Which one!?"

He answered: "Fuck if I know, sharks look all the same!"

The old man's pool

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer d...

I had this weird dream that I was swimming in a fizzy purple drink...

When I woke up in my bed, I have to admit, I was a little disappointed that it was only a Fanta-sy.

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Don Carlos is 90 years old and lives in an old age retirement nursing home.

Every night after dinner, he secludes himself at the far-end of the garden.

One night, Juanita, 80 years old, approaches him. They start chatting about life and old age, and after a while, he says to her,

"You know what I miss most of all ?"

\*What ?" asks Juanita.

"SEX !...

A young boy was swimming in the sea on his own...

So I threw some binoculars at him.

I yelled to him 'You need supervision!'

A farmer was milking his cow

At one point, he noticed a fly buzzing in the cows' ear.

Shortly after the farmer looked down at the bucket and noticed a fly swimming in the milk.

"Huh," said the farmer. "In one ear, out the udder."

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A shipwrecker was swimming in the sea with his last ounce of strength, when he saw an island.

He rejoiced and started to swim towards the shore, when suddenly, he felt something squeeze him hard by the balls.

An unknown creature appeared below the surface of the water. Surprisingly, it spoke with a deep voice:
"Plus two or minus two?"
He was puzzled, but he wanted to get t...

Three men entered a swimming race for people with disabilities. One of the three men had no arms, one had no legs, and the third was just a head with no body.

The three men got onto the starting blocks. The whistle blew, and they all jumped into the water. The armless man and the legless man started to swim to the other end of the pool, but the head with no body sank to the bottom.

It was a very close race, but the armless man won. But when he and ...

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A group of friends encountered a swimming pool

Upon approaching a genie popped up and told them it was a magic pool. "Just jump in and mid-jump ask what you would like the water to turn into".

The first friend ran up to the pool, took a leap, yelled "BEER!" and what would you know? He landed in a pool full of beer!

After he got out...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

One day, a husband telephones his wife, but his daughter answers.

"Hello!"

"Hey honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?"

"No daddy, she's upstairs jn the bedroom with uncle Jake."

"But you don't have an uncle Jake, sweetie..."

"Uh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now."

"Ok honey, I need you to go...

How do you persuade elephants to go swimming?

Remind them that they already have their trunks on.

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A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" To which the father whale replies...

"You're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

My friend really wanted a swimming pool

He’s asking us for donations to help achieve his dream.

So I gave him a bottle of water.

A man calls over a waiter during his meal 'There is a fly swimming in my soup!'

'Look on the bright side Sir' replied the waiter 'If the portions weren't so generous he'd be wading'

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One day, two whales were swimming in the ocean

One day, two whales were swimming in the ocean. They came across a whalers ship and the first whale was immediately angered by this. He tells the second whale,

*“Whalers killed my brother! I want revenge! Let’s use our blowholes as hard as we can to tip the ship underneath and drown them!”*<...

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Beaver invites Rabbit over for dinner one night

The dinner goes swimmingly well, and Rabbit is very impressed with Beaver's skill in the kitchen. Particularly with the homemade iced cream dessert that Beaver was famous for. Not really expecting much of an answer, because Beaver is ever the coy herbivore, Rabbit inquires politely, "Goodness, Beave...

Why did the Egyptian go swimming as soon as his mom passed away?

De Nile is the first stage of grief

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Two whales.. John and Jenny are swimming in the ocean.

John is mourning the recent loss of his father who was killed by a whale fishing boat.

A few days later John and Jenny come across an similar looking Boat... with excitement John realizes that it’s the fishing boat that killed his father ... he is seeking revenge for the death of his father!...

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Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

A sole and a flounder are swimming in the ocean when they bump into each other. The sole says, "A flounder!"

The flounder, to be polite, says nothing.

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it...

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks

It cost me an arm and a leg!

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

I went swimming in a river, but the current was too strong...

You could say it was "ex-stream".

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

A blonde and an alligator

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde ...

A woman walked up to me at the swimming pool and said she could see something bulging in my Speedos.

When I looked down at my crotch she said, "No, the other side..."

A gorgeous woman waved to me at the beach yesterday.

But there was no way I was swimming out that far, to talk to her.

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day.

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian.
They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being...

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Scoutmaster

Dear Dad & Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we're all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happen...

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Only real Sharks will understand

Two great white shark swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, s...

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

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Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

Well, if there's one thing I've learned from my daughter's first swimming lessons,

She's definitely not a witch.

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A female and a male whale were swimming through the ocean.

They spot a ship up ahead and the male whale turns to the female whale and
says: "Hey I have an idea... why don't you swim over, underneath the ship,
and blow air out your blow hole, knock the ship over and gobble up all the
sailors?" The female responds "Hey! I do not mind the blow j...

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A rabbi and a Catholic priest are walking on a hot summer day

A rabbi and a Catholic priest are walking on a hot summer day. When they pass a lake, the rabbi suggests they go swimming.

Since neither of them has a bathing suit with them, they bathe naked. Just as they come out of the water, a family with children appears.

The rabbi immediately cov...

The swimming pool on Titanic

Is still full

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