Last night I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.

But it was just a Fanta sea.

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

A young man goes into the public swimming pool because he wants to swim the 100 meters.

At the edge of the pool are sitting three elderly ladies and watch him swimming the 100 meters in one and a half minutes.

As he climbs out of the pool, one of the three ladies says, "Not bad, but I'm 70 years old and can do it better!" "I do not think so, you have to prove that to me!" Says ...

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

Bob

Overheard at the Community Swimming Pool

Lifeguard: Kowalski, you are officially banned from the pool.

Kowalski: Why is that?

Lifeguard: Because you pee in the pool.

Kowalski: But I'm not the only one.

Lifeguard: You are the only one who does it from the diving board.

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean and encounter a whale hunting ship.

The first whale is furious, and says to the second, “look over there! Those are the people that killed our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, friends! We should take revenge!” The second whale is also angry on hearing this, and agrees, saying, “what should we do?” The first whale thinks for a whil...

How do youtubers get in swimming pools?

They just *jump into it*

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

I robbed a swimming pool supply store last night.

I need to lilo for a while.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

Two fish are swimming in a river when they both run into a brick wall...

One looks at the other and says "dam"

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turn...

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The rabbit(R) is sitting by the lake smoking weed, a beaver(B) is swimming by, sees the rabbit and asks

B: hey, what you got there?
R: oh, this thing is called weed and it does some insane shit. You inhale hold it, swit to the other side and exhale. It makes you feel sooooo goood.
B: lemme try
The rabbit gives him the weed, the beaver does like the rabbit said, comes out the other side of the...

Went swimming today at the public pool, decided to pee in the deep end

Lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loudly it startled me and I almost fell in

What game do unvaccinated kids play in the swimming pool ?

Marco Polio

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.

I was interviewed as a swimming instructor the other day...

...they asked what my favourite stroke is. apparently “the one that killed margaret thatcher” isn’t the answer they were looking for.

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A father whale and a son whale are swimming in the ocean.

Son looks at dad and asks,

“Dad? Where do I come from?”

Father replies, “My penis, son.”

“Oh. OK. Thanks.”

“You’re Whalecum, son.”

Two bears are swimming in water, a black bear and a white bear. Which one dissolves?

The white one, because it's polar.

My girlfriend moans every time we go swimming, so I've nicknamed her Jesus.

Because she's always turning water into whine.

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I was at the local swimming pools today

And decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The life guard must’ve noticed.

He blew his whistle so fucking loud I almost fell in.

Boy complains to his father:You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks to impress the girls at the swimming pool but you forgot to mention on thing.

Dad: Really,what??

Boy: You forgot to tell me that the potato should go at the front.

Two sperm were swimming trying to find an egg.

The first sperm says, “why is this taking so long, are we almost in the uterus?”

The second sperm says “We still have a way to go, we are only half way down the esophagus!

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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wi...

What do you call hitler when he’s swimming underwater?

ADOLFin

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Three men climb to the diving pad at a swimming pool.

A fairy appeared there and grants them a wish each. Three men think for a while then the first one jumps and wishes for beer and all of a sudden the pool is brimming with beer. Second one jumps and wishes for money and the pool is brimming with dollar bills. Third one is about to jump but slips says...

Swimming

Girl: I can't swim on that pool.

Boy: Why not?

Girl: Coz the sign says 5 feet, and I only have 2.

I’ve always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns

I used to be addicted to swimming

I’m glad to say I’ve been dry for 5 years

How do you know a swimming pool is safe for diving

It deep ends.

Why do the Ghostbusters stick together when they go swimming at the river?

Because none of them want to be across the stream.

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A mama shark and a her pup were swimming by a beach

The pup turnes to its mother and said "Mom, I'm hungry".

"Just find some swimmer, swim a couple laps around him, and dig in, child", she replies.

The pup is impatient and says "But swimming laps takes so long! I'm just going to dig in instead".

"Go ahead, but don't come crying t...

What do you tell a swimming pool that you’re angry at?

You’re **Piscine** me off

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Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing....

Two cats are swimming in a river...

The first cat is named One Two Three and the second cat is named Un Deux Trois.

Which cat makes it across the river first?

One two three because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

After Australian Prime Minister Harold Holt went swimming at the beach one day and never returned...

...we named a public swimming pool after him.

(true story)

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A squad of spermatozoids is swimming.

Their leader is foul-mouthed, but inspirational.

"Keep moving! That fucker can't be far!"

"This is what we trained for! Alicia knew we can't make it all. 'Bitch is dead, now move!"

"We'll take time to pray for the dead once we secure the fucking objective!"

After many hou...

On an excursion, I decided to go swimming with the Dolphins. Unfortunately, one of them was run over by a boat and killed

I'm really going to miss Dan Marino

Is Mommy Near the Phone?

The phone rings, a little girl picks up.

“Hello?”

“Hi honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?”

“No daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Mike.”

After a brief pause, the father says, “But honey, you haven’t got an uncle Mike.”

“Oh yes I do, he’s ups...

Elvis climbs out of his swimming pool..

..watched by his wife Priscilla. As soon as he climbs out he falls back in again. This happens over and over until finally Priscilla asks him what's going on.

"I just can't help falling in, love."

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Three guys are having a good time at a swimming pool

Suddenly a genie appears. He says: " Y'all have a free wish! Just go onto that springboard, say what you wish for and the pool will be filled with whatever you wished for!
The first guy thinks "great", goes to the springboard says "Chocolate" and jumps. He lands in the pool filled with chocolate ...

An old farmer was picking apples. After filling up a bucket and walking back to the farm, he saw a group of beautiful women swimming in his pond

As he got closer, he realized they were skinny dipping. When the group noticed the old farmer approaching them, one girl shouts to him "we are not coming out until you turn away". The farmer, thinking quick, holds up the bucket of apples and says "I'm just here to feed the gator anyway"

Two fish are swimming around in a tank...

One says to the other “hey do you know how to drive this thing?”

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I would never donate blood as that would mean my blood would be swimming in some other guy’s boner

no hemo

Skinny dipping involves a swimming pool.

Fat dipping involves a ranch cup and chicken nuggets.

A blonde was swimming in the river...

...a man went up to her and asked, "Why are you doing this? Blonde said, "I'm washing my clothes. Is there a problem?"

Man said, "Why don't you try a washing machine?

Blonde replied, "but.. I feel dizzy in the washing machine!"

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Mother sharks and her offspring were swimming one day when they came upon a sinking ship.

Mother shark saw the humans abandoning ship. Once the ship sank, she instructed her offspring, "Follow my lead. We're going to swim in circles around the humans". The little sharks, their hunger already growing, were excited. One asked, "Can we eat them now?" Mother replied, "Not yet, dear. Just fol...

A new Pirates of the Caribbean movie is like old people nudity at the public swimming pool.

You don't want to see it but you still end up seeing it anyway.

I got kicked out of the swimming pool today.

Apparently the breast stroke isn’t what I thought it was.

I couldn't decide whether to use a boat or go swimming, so i aborted my plans.

It was a case of row versus wade

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So an American soldier and a Japanese soldier wash up alone on two neighbouring islands during WW2...

So an American soldier and a Japanese soldier wash up alone on two neighbouring islands during WW2.... A few days after washing up onshore, the American is gazing over at the neighbouring island and spots a Japanese soldier staring back at him.

The American tries shouting out to the man but d...

Why did the shark keep swimming in circles?

It had a nosebleed.

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Dave and Harry were swimming.

They saw a pregnant woman drowning and quickly pulled her to safety.Dave starts giving her a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.Harry opens her legs and puts his mouth on her genitalia.

Dave: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??!

Harry: You save the mother, I'll save the baby.

Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, “HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!”

I replied “Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!”

“Yes, but not from the high dive!”

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

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It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice...

Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...

A man arrives at the gas station...

A man arrives at the gas station and begins refueling. The owner of the gas station is nearby and hears strange rumbling and knocking noises from the trunk of the car. Fearing there is a human body in there he runs to the car and opens the trunk. To his amazement, he finds three living penguins who ...

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A man was swimming in a lake

The lake was in a secluded area, so he decided to swim naked. It was pretty nice and refreshing. But suddenly, as he was swimming around, he felt a hand grabbing his balls and a voice said:

-Two more or two less?

The man, scared of losing both of his balls, said:

-Umm... Two mor...

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Bob was swimming when a sea monster grabbed him by the balls.

“Plus 2 or minus 2?” Said the monster

“Plus 2!” Said Bob, but when he got out of the water he discovered he now had 4 balls. Bob was pissed with having 4 balls, but he figured he’d find the monster and this time say “minus 2” and return to normal, so Bob goes for another swim. After swimming ...

"Breathing is very important when you're swimming," informed my coach.

Quite right. You can't swim when you're dead.

2 sperms are swimming side by side

sperm 1: do you know how much longer 'til the fallopian tube?

sperm 2: fallopian tube? we aren't even past the esophagus yet!

What do you call a person swimming in Paris' waters in winter?

In *Seine*.

nsfw Two sperms were swimming for the egg...

One sperm says to the other "Jeez, I'm tired! How long til we get to the egg?" The other sperm says, "It's going to be a while, we just got past the colon."

This weekend we saw a crocodile that had trouble swimming,

Does anyone know where we can find medication for a reptile dysfunction?

A man went swimming one day....

A man wanted to goswimming in the ocean. We walked down to the beach and he saw a fisherman. He asked the fisherman " are there any sharks in the water?" The fisherman said "well obviously, the ocean is huge! But in this particular area, no there are no sharks." The man asks again "you are absolutel...

A lonely orca is swimming in the arctic

Normally he doesn't venture this far north, but he figures there's nothing wrong with a longer swim into the frigid waters.

All of sudden he spots the most beautiful girl orca he's ever seen. Too long our poor protagonist has let opportunities pass him by, but not this time. So he gathers his...

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A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from."

The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

At which point, the father whale was stricken by a long thin object which penetrated him with ease. He saw that it appeared to...

People kept insisting that I was swimming in the world's longest river .

I couldn't believe it. I was in de Nile.

My wife started swimming for exercise...

she said it gave her a sense of porpoise.

A shark was swimming around looking for food...

... and he catches a squid.

The squid says: "don't eat me, I'm really sick!"

So the shark says: "fine, I won't eat you. But I know just what to do with you..."

The shark takes the squid to his friend and says: "here's the sick squid I owe you."

[Dirty] Two sperm are swimming around inside a woman.

The first one, exhausted and out of breath asks, "how much longer till we reach the uterus?"
The second sperm breaks into laughter and replies, "the uterus?! We haven't even left the esophagus yet!"

I felt a toe brush against me whilst I was out swimming in the lake

I thought 'something must be afoot'

What's the nickname for a particular fast swimming rapper?

The real Swim Shady.

Did you hear about the blonde who lost the breast stroke swimming event

She got all mad and accused the others of cheating because they where using their hands

Paul: A man came by my house today asking for donations for the new town swimming pool.

Anton: How much did you give him?

Paul: One glass.

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Two alligators were swimming next to a law firm...

*edit: fixed spelling errors.*
...When the first alligator, Kyle, says to the second alligator, Tim, "Jeez Tim, how are you so much bigger than me? When we were kids we were the same size, but now I am tiny and you are huge!" Tim thinks about it for a moment, and asks Kyle, "Well, what do you eat...

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A fish swimming down a stream spots a fly flying right over him.

The fish thinks, "if that fly drops six inches, I can jump and catch that fly."

A bear see the fish that sees the fly. The bear thinks, "if that fly drops six inches, the fish will jump to catch the fly and I can catch the fish."

A hunter sees the bear that sees the fish that sees the ...

One day John decided to go swimming.

He's at the pool, enjoying himself, when the lifeguard approaches and says "John, it's time for you to leave the swimming pool".

John: "Why, I just got here a little while ago, I'm enjoying myself, why do I have to leave?".

Lifeguard: "Because you're peeing in the swimming pool".
...

How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool?

"Please get out of the swimming pool"

An English cat, a Spanish cat, and a French cat are in a swimming race

The English cat's name is One two three. The Spanish cat's name is Uno dos tres. The French cat's name is Un deux trois.

The English cat came in first, the Spanish cat came in second, but the French cat was nowhere to be found.

The Un deux trois quatre cinq

What type of number is good at swimming?

A Real

Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine?

The Crimea River

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What do you call a man with no legs and no arms in a swimming pool?

Bob.

[EDIT: This may not be the most upvoted crappy-pun here, but the plethora of other crappy-puns it has generated made me smile. Thanks all! 3/10 for effort! (and quite right too!)]

At the community swimming pool I met a fellow swimming that had no arms or legs.

I said, " Excuse me sir, but I think it's amazing what you're doing there! Do you mind telling me how you lost all your limbs?"

He said, "Oh, I lost them in the war. I was a Sergeant and I jumped on an IED to save my squad. My body armor saved my life but it didn't cover everything."
...

Did you hear about the synchronized swimming team that all drowned?

Apparently, one of them had a heart attack.

A pair of Arms, a pair of Legs and a head have a swimming race...

All contestants dive in, the arms take the lead with the legs just behind, however the head has sunk to the bottom. The arms eventually win, with the legs in second.

They recover the head and they asked what happened? The head replied "I've been training for 6 months using my ears and just b...

An elderly man in Florida . . .

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening ...

I tried swimming with dolphins once. I didn't like it.

I found them very cliquey

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