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A male whale and a female whale are swimming were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father years ago. He said to the female whale, “let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and sank.
...

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

A sole and a flounder are swimming in the ocean when they bump into each other. The sole says, "A flounder!"

The flounder, to be polite, says nothing.

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

If you think swimming with dolphins is pretty expensive, you should try swimming with sharks...

It cost me an arm and a leg!

What did the media say about Kim Kardashian swimming

There's too much plastic in our oceans.

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One summers day, a group of young girls decide to go swimming...

One summers day, a group of girls decide to go swimming rather than class. Instead of the more popular spots, the friends choose a discreet little pond on the far side of the lake. Sure, its privately owned but they're unlikely to be discovered there.

When the young ladies get to the pond, t...

Two sperm are swimming along. One looks at the other and asks, "Are we there yet?"

The other replies, "We still got a ways to go. We barely just passed the tonsils"

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I got told off for pissing in the swimming pool earlier.

I don't know why, I wasn't even gonna get in.

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Three men went on a swimming competition. An American, a Japanese and a Filipino.

The rule was simple, swim through the lake full of alligators, reach the other side alive and win unlimited cash.

Confident, Phelps went first. But in the middle of his dive, a gator appeared in front of him and swallowed him whole.

The crowd was shocked, yet they all booed.

Eag...

One Two Three Cat and Un Deux Trois Cat hold a swimming contest

Which one wins?

A: One Two Three cat, as Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq.

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The swimming pool

I was at the local swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The lifeguard must have noticed.

He blew the whistle so fucking loud I nearly fell in!

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There is a fly flying about 12 inches over a lake with a fish swimming below thinking "If the fly drops 6 inches I can jump and catch it."

Meanwhile, a bear on the edge of the same lakes sees the fly and thinks "If he drops 6 inches, the fish will jump after it and I can catch it."

Across the same lake is a hunter eating a sandwich watching the bear and the fly thinking "If the fly drops and the fish jumps I can shoot the bear a...

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a

Fanta sea

Two sperm are swimming along, searching for an egg to fertilize

The first sperm says, “are we almost there? I don’t know how much longer I can do this!”

The second sperm responds, “keep going buddy, you can do it. We just passed the tonsils!”

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Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

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Johnny's mother receives a call from the school principal, informing her he is being sent home for pissing in the swimming pool. "But everyone does that", she protests...

The principal replies, "not from the top of the bloody diving tower!"

A French Man was Teaching his English Girlfriend to Swim

After the third lesson, the man said to his girlfriend, “ok, you’ve now learnt enough. I’ll let you to swim on your own”
He then went out to relax by the pool side on the sun bed, as he watched his girlfriend practise her newly learnt skills.
After swimming for a while in the shallow end of th...

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Johnny wanted to impress the girls in his swimming class.

So he asked his dad what to do.

"Son, just put a potato in your pants, and you'll attract them all!" His dad advised.

The next day after practice, Johnny looked pretty gloomy.

His dad asked, "What's wrong? Did the advice I give you not work?"

"It would've," cried Johnny....

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool

I don't know what they're filling the pool with, because he abruptly left when I offered him a glass of water

A limbless man takes up swimming

A man with no arms or legs decided to take up swimming in an attempt to make the Paralympics. He was called Bob

What do you call goat swimming really fast in a lake?

A motor goat

I’ve finally managed to conquer my addiction to swimming.

I’ve been dry for six months now.

Swimming’s good for you

Especially if you’re drowning

So, my swimming instructor asked me a question.

"what's your favourite stroke?" He asked me.
Apparently "the one that killed Margaret Thatcher" wasn't the right answer.

Two reasons why I don't let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool

1. I don't have a swimming pool.
2. I don't have a girlfriend.

I went fishing at the weekend and there was this bloke splashing about in the middle of the lake shouting, "I can't swim! I can't swim!"

"It's alright, mate," I shouted, pointing at a nearby sign, "It says no swimming anyway."

I went swimming with dolphins yesterday but there was one problem

They were too clicky

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.

‟I think there’s water in the carburetor.”

‟How do you know?” said the husband scornfully. ‟You do not even know what the carburetor si.”

‟I am tlling you,” repeated the wife, ‟I ’m sure there’s water in the carburetor.”

‟We’ll see,” mocked the husband. ‟Let me check it out. Whe...

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out....

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day.

The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't hav...

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside them

A message to any weak/beginning swimmers thinking about swimming in the deep end of the pool today:

I'd advise you not to; you'll be in over your head.

Two fish are swimming in a lake.

They run into a concrete wall that blocks their path.

One fish turns to the other and says ‘Dam’.

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Two whales are swimming along in the ocean...

When one whale spots a fishing boat. So he says to the other whale "Hey, that is the boat that harpooned Frank, we should get back at them"

The other whale says "Oh yeah? What should we do?"

"I say we both go under their boat, and blow our blowholes as hard as we can, that will knock o...

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

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Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like...

trying to organize the pissing section in a swimming pool.

Why is it illegal for the Kardashians to go swimming?

Because throwing plastic in the ocean is a crime.

I am very good at swimming...

some might even say I am eFISHient at it

How do you call a father in a swimming pool?

Dad in the water

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Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the surface fill our lungs full of air and go right underneath the boat and blow as h...

Why did the partially-sighted kid go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted adult supervision.

Jeff asks his mom if he can go swimming

J: Mooooom can i go swimming, they are opening the 3m jumping tower today.

M: ok

* Jeff comes home with a broken arm *

The next day Jeff asks:
Mooooom can I go swimming, they are opening the 5m jumping tower today.

M: ok, but be careful

* Jeff comes home with...

I spent most of my afternoon hanging out at the swimming pool...

...and then someone told me and I tucked it back in again.

A well endowed woman was swimming at the beach when she lost her bikini top.

The woman awkwardly covered her chest and ran back towards the shore.

A little boy saw the woman and said, "If you're going to drown those puppies, can I at least keep the one with the cute little pink nose?"

A young Blonde was on vacation in Louisiana

She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I ca...

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A father whale and his son were swimming when the son whale asked his father "where did I come from."

The father whale replied "from my penis son."

The son rolled his eyes and said "thanks dad" to which the father whale replied, "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

HUSBAND: I hate to say this, but your swimming costume is quite tight and revealing.

WIFE: Well, wear your own one then.

Teacher: "What's your hobby, Mary?" "Knitting and swimming."

"But doesn't the wool get soggy?"

A boy and girl are playing in a swimming pool...

The boy says to the girl... I’m going to duck you!
The girl laughs and says... don’t be silly you can’t even say it properly

At the swimming pool

A lifeguard reprimand a kid:
- Boy! Stop peeing in the pool!
- But everyone does!
- I know, but not from the diving board!

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[NSFW] One time after swimming class with 3th grade the boys in the locker room noticed that I wasn't circumcised.

I first noticed it when I heard some whispering while getting changed. Eventually in class they where still talking about it the whole time. During recess a group of kids came to me to ask if they can see it. First I was a little shy, but after some pear pressure I gave in.
So we went to the toil...

Two Frenchmen are going for a walk one day, when they happen upon a swimming pool filled entirely to the brim with loaves of bread.

The first, who happens to be a baker, exclaims "Mon amie, what a beautiful sight! I'm going to dive into this pool."

The second says "I'm not sure that's such a good idea. If you hit the bottom, you're going to be in a lot of pain."

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The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, wi...

A man goes swimming in the ocean, but gets sucked out into the sea.

A boat passes by him and tells him to climb aboard but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The Coast Guard comes by with a rescue helicopter and tells him to climb the ladder up, but he says "I have faith, God will save me."

The man is now getting tired but thankfully a dolphin s...

I was just taking a dip in the swimming pool when the lifeguard shouted out..

"What have you got there?"



"Hummus", I replied.

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up.

Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are...

A wealthy man threw a party.

He had recently purchased a tank filled with sharks, alligators, piranhas, and other aquatic animals that could kill people. He told the guests that anyone who swam across would get 3 wishes. No one dared to try it so the party continued.

About 10 minutes later, there was a splash, and there...

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

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Paul and Barry...

Paul and Barry were out walking past a lake.

They saw a pregnant woman swimming suddenly get into difficulty and started to drown, quickly they pulled her to safety.

She wasn't breathing so Barry starts giving her a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Paul quickly opens her legs and puts his...

Old German Classic: Trump, Putin and Merkel go to the swimming pool.

"...but the pool is empty!" Trump said.
"Worry not," said Putin in his fabulous russian accent. "It is a wish pool. Whatever you yell when jumping from tower will be in pool. I demonstrate."
He gets on the tower and jumps, yelling "Vodkaaaa!"
And voilà, he splashes into a pool full of the b...

Stalin was out swimming, but he began to drown.

A peasant who was passing by jumped in and pulled him safely to shore. Stalin asked the peasant what he would like as a reward. Realizing whom he had saved, the peasant cried out: ‘Nothing! Just please don’t tell anyone I saved you!’

In some places in America, you can still eat indoors in restaurants...

You have to wear a mask when you walk in. Once you are seated you can take off your mask.

Isn't that a bit like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

What do swimming pools and old people have in common?

Deep ends

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An extremely wealthy man invited his high school friends to his big estate for a reunion.

Aside from being extremely wealthy, he is also extremely arrogant and prideful. As he welcomed his friends to his house, he gave them a tour of his estate, showing his cars, helicopters, private jets, and even his own yacht, all the while bragging about all his assets and wealth. Finally, at the end...

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