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Crawl Jokes

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I crawled in bed and slid my hand up my wife's thigh,

She turned over and scoffed: "I have a headache." "perfect!" I said, "I just powdered my penis with aspirin, do you want any it orally or as a suppository?"

Two stoners crawl on rails

One of them says: "This ladder is so long"

Another one replies: "Don't worry, the elevator is coming"

Why was a blonde crawling in the store?

She was looking for low prices.

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Bob did like he always does, kissed his ol lady, crawled into bed and fell a sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Bob. "I want you to send me back immediately." ...

I just killed a massive spider crawling across the floor with my shoe.

I don't really care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

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My favorite sex position is called "the JFK"...

She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.

So I broke up with my handicapped girlfriend and stole her wheelchair..

But guess who came crawling back!!?!

A spider crawled into my keyboard last night...

He is still in there. I have him under control.

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.

When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. T...

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

Whenever I have an argument with my wife, she always comes to me crawling

And then she says: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

A maggot crawls into a bar

Its what adds texture to the chocolate

A spider crawled on my computer

Don’t worry, it’s under ctrl

I knew she'd come crawling to me..

I mean, I DID steal her wheelchair

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later..

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

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A software tester walks into a bar

Backs into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

a beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

987654321 beers.

a lizard in a beer glass.

\-1 beer.

"qwertyui...

A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti…

It says, “Damn, that was one hell of an orgy!”

Xi and Biden have a bet

Xi wagers that in 100 years time China would be the dominant superpower, while Biden is confident that the USA will remain uncontested.

So after their terms ended and they reached the end of their mortal coil, they were cryogenically preserved in Switzerland and woken up in 100 years.

...

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Paddy had been drinking

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fa...

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Three moles are crawling through their borrow on their way to breakfast, one right after the other.

The first mole says, “I can already smell that sizzling bacon.”

The second mole says, “I’m pretty sure I can smell hot pancakes with fresh butter and syrup.”

The last mole says, “the only thing I can smell is molasses.”

A snail crawls into a Tesla dealership...

A salesman asks how he can help. The snail says, "I want a Model S."

The salesman scoffs and says, "You're a *snail.* Why would you want a Tesla Model S?"

The snail sadly replies, "Nobody ever pays attention or even notices me. I can't seem to make friends or meet girls. I figure i...

Man is crawling across the desert, dying of thirst

Suddenly he sees something in the distance, it looks like a well, he runs towards it.
Upon reaching it he exclaims WATER!!

And from the well he hears WHERE??

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I went to a Paraplegic Strip Club the other day . . .

NSFW

>!The place was crawling with pussy.!<

A rodent just crawled out of my computer.

It's a genuine case of degus ex machina.

My girlfriend wanted to visit another country, so I wrote an algorithm that crawls all the travel sites online...

She wanted to go to either Canada or Iran.

Canada, Canada's pretty close, I just ran Canada in about 2 minutes; I found a way that fit our budget.

And Iran, Iran's so far away, I just ran Iran all night and day; I couldn't get a way.

Why did the spider crawl to a computer?

To check it's website....

Yeah my 4 yr old just told me this.

A strange insect crawled onto my kitchen counter & exploded!

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs

Two drunks are crawling on the railroad.

One says "I'm tired of climbing this ladder, when's our floor already?"

"No worries, I see an elevator coming."

An Arab is crawling along the desert,

burning up, yelling "Water, water, water." He comes up to a Jewish tie-salesman and says, "Water!"
Jewish tie-salesman says, "I don't have any water, I got a tie. You want to buy a tie?"
Arab says, "No! Water!"
Jewish tie-salesman say, " Forty miles west, there's an inn, you can get water."...

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

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A guy arrives in hell and crawls terrified at the feet of Satan.

Satan pets him and says in a soothing voice:

"Why, my good man, why are you so sad?"

The man explains that he is afraid of the torment that awaits him. The Devil then points to a nearby door.

"You see that door over there? Behind that door are as many luscious and horny women as...

How to stop a baby from crawling around in circles

Nail its other hand to the floor

The Soviet army is marching in Finland

They hear a voice from the other side of a hill: One Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers. The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers. The Soviet genera...

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When I was a kid I was terrified of earwigs because I thought they were bugs that crawled into your ears.

So you can imagine my reaction when I heard about cockroaches.

A man sat in the pub.

He had been there all day from 3 onwards. As sunset was approaching he was still there. Midnight was closing time so the bartender asked him to leave.

The man, now very, very drunk from a day of non-stop drinking, stood up and fell over flat on his face. He tried standing up again, once agai...

Two Fleas on Vacation (nsfw)

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.

The other flea asked him, "Why are shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Har...

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill -

"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.

There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and th...

A thirsty man is crawling...

through the desert and comes up to a jewish tie salesman. He begs the salesman for water, but the salesman replys, "I don't have any water, but I have some nice ties for sale." The thirsty man again begs for water and the salesman says, " I only have ties, but over that sand dune 30 miles is a town ...

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his ...

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

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A man heard that masturbating before sex...

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. ...

A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...

He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.

The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where...

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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What do you call the fear of spiders crawling up your butt?

Arachnoprobia

A man is trying to satisfy a woman.

He puts more and more of himself inside her, till finally he crawls all the way in. Once inside , he sees another guy already there. He asks the first guy, Hiw are we going to crawl out of here? The guy says Crawl? Help me find my keys and we’ll drive my truck.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Why did Adele crawl under the cow?

...to say hello from the udder side.


I'll take my Oscar now.

That's the last time I do a pub crawl with an amputee.

He really couldn't hold his drink.

So there's a man crawling through the desert.

He's totally lost and dying of thirst until he comes across a magic snake named Nate that grants wishes. For his wishes, he wishes to be cured of hunger and be in eternal good health. Nate shows the man a magical lever that ends all of humanity, telling the man it is in his power to switch the lever...

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A wife sees her husband furiously cleaning the kitchen...

She asks "what are you doing?"

Husband replies "I gotta rub everything down, I just saw a cockroach crawl all over the kitchen!"

The wife nodds and walks away.
Later she goes on askreddit and posts a thread- help: how to catch a cockroach fast, my in-laws are coming and I need to ...

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[NSFW] A little boy crawls under the covers while his parents are asleep

The dad wakes up and notices the boy is staring in between the mothers legs.
"What's that dad?" Asks the boy inquisitively.
"It's a pussy and a cunt" replies the dad.
"Can I touch it?" Asks the boy
"NO!" Shouts the dad. "If you touch the pussy the cunt will wake up!"

An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...

It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air a...

A spider just crawled on your face.

I can see defeat in your eyes.

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

A guy is crawling through the desert, about to die of thirst and he comes across a magic talking snake...

The snake tells the guy his name is Nate and he'll happily grant him three wishes, so the guy asks for water. Nate slaps his tail on the ground and a gallon of fresh, pure water appears, which the guy proceeds to drink.

"What's your second wish?" Nate asks. The guy thinks for a second and say...

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If Ant Man did beat Thanos by crawling up his butt

Would it be considered an inside job?

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Three maggots are left crawling around at the bottom of a garbage bin.

One day they all turn into flies, one male and two female, and start buzzing around the inside of the bin.

The female, realising there's no practical way out, turns to the other female fly and says, "Hey how do you get out of the garbage bin?" The other female fly says, "I don't know maybe as...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;

it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be frien...

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A cop waits for a bar to close and watches for drunks to drive off...

The first man out the door stumbles, wanders around looking for his car, then drops the keys under his car and starts crawling around looking for them. The cop, knowing if he waits until the guy finds his keys and pulls out he'll have a DUI arrest, sits and watches him for a while. Eventually the ma...

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast ...

... when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

"Sir, are you aware it's not lobster season, and it's illegal to fish lobsters?"

"Me son," the Newfie said. "I didn't fish 'em. Deez lobsters are me pets."

"Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I'll ha...

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I just came home from a film festival where we spent 90 minutes watching a cockroach crawl around the screen...

I couldn't figure out if it was a bug or a feature.

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

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An Arab man is wandering lost through the desert

An Arab man is wandering lost through the Sahara. He sees a man in the distance and struggles to get there hoping it's not a mirage. He finally arrives and sees a nice Jewish man with a table of ties.

"Please, I've been lost for hours and so incredibly thirsty, do you have any water?". The Je...

Two men are crawling through the desert, almost dying of thirst

When they crest a dune and see in front of them some market stalls. They crawl to the first stall and ask for some water but the vendor says "I'm afraid we only sell cake sponge, jelly and custard". So, the men crawl to the next stand and ask for water. The stall owner replies "sorry, but I only ha...

After some serious drinking and three attempts to walk home upright, some guy decides to crawl home instead...

The next morning his wife yells at him; "Come on, how much did you drink yesterday?!"

"Why, not that much, i guess?"

"The bar just called, you forgot your wheelchair"

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A guy is drinking in a bar...

After his last drink, he tries to stand up and falls. He starts crawling out of the bar.
He crawls out of the bar, he crawls in the street, trying to hold on to something, but each time he falls and he just keeps crawling home.
He crawls up his stairs, he crawls to his bedroom, and finally he...

What is red, slimy and crawls up your leg?

An abortion with home sickness.

One Marine is better than...

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune:
"One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters".

The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, ...

Why did the ant crawl up Princess Kate's stocking?

To go to the grand opening.

Why did the ant crawl up Prince Williams' trousers?

To get to the royal ball.

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Ed Zachary disease

A woman sees her Chinese love doctor, Dr. Chen, after she hasn't been able to find a date for over two years.

The woman says, "Dr. Chen, I'm desperate. I can't find a date for the life of me! Can you check if there is anything wrong with me?"

Dr. Chen replies in his thick Chinese accen...

I went to a bar that had free drinks for paraplegic ladies

The place was crawling with women

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Mermaid Trainer

An old man losing a bar fight to a group of young punks. While on the ground, he keep yelling "My son will kick the shit out of you guys, he is Mermaid trainer!" and every one laughing as he crawling out of the bar.

The next day. A group of tough guys come to a bar and beat the shit out of e...

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What crawls up walls and scares the shit outta Jews?

Gas pipes.

A Rabbi And A Priest Get Into A Huge Car Accident

After both of them crawl out of their cars, the rabbi looks and the priest and says:

"Look at that! Both of our cars are completely demolished, and yet here we are alive and well! This must be a sign from God that we should become good friends!"

The Priest, looking at the total wrecka...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank..

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. Everything goes well-they have their masks on, the bank hands over the money-awesome.

Exiting the bank, they hear sirens and see several cop cars round the corner, so they dash into a small alleyway.

The cops are quick though, a...

I checked into a hotel and the place was crawling with people dressed up as evergreen trees.

Dang Firry conventions.

Joey always knew her husband would come crawling back to her one day.

She'd stolen his wheelchair many years ago.

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A guy visits his favorite dominatrix

He puts his money on the bedside table and says “I’ve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.”

She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom.
Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts.

She runs her whip over his flesh and, as ...

They say that being scared of spiders increases the chances of them crawling into your bed while you are sleeping.

Personally, I am terrified of scarlett Johansson.

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Why did the pet store owner feed his snakes viagra when they were stuck crawling backwards?

He thought they were suffering from a reptile dysfunction.

A man lay dying in his bed in the upstairs bedroom when all of a sudden...

...he could smell his favorite cookie in the whole world: chocolate chip. His mouth watering, he slowly made his way out of bed and crawled to the stairs, where he painstakingly went down step by aching step. At the bottom of the stairs he sat down to rest. After a moment, the smell of the cooki...

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A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

A man seeks cover in a cabin from the winter storm.

Very NSFW!

Allright, so this is a story from Norway.

It is a dark night in the winter. A small cabin is barely visible through the snow drift. A lone man, the cabin owner, sits in front of the fireplace. What little light there is comes from the fireplace and a few dim candles.
...

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Got gas?

A guy walks into a proctologist's office and says, "Doc, my farts don't smell. Could it be a new stomach virus?"

The doctor ushers him into a small exam room, closes the door and instructs him to pass gas. The man grunts and lets loose a mighty bafoon. The doctor immediately takes out his pad...

Yesterday I was having a talk with my friend and he said, "I had a terrible row with my wife last night. But she crawled to me on her knees in the end."

Half shocked and half impressed I said, "Wow – that’s really impressive! What did she say?!"

My friend shrugged and replied, "Come out from under that sofa, you filthy coward!"

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