I am one of the few Redditors that bathes on a semi-regular basis.

Which is another way of saying I'm not a mod.

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I can eat, masturbate, and bathe in less than 10 minutes.

The waiter just usually starts freaking out by minute 6.

How do terrorists prefer to bathe?

...with bath bombs.

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Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

Doctor : "I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You're gonna have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her for the rest of your life."

Me : OH MY GOD!

Doctor : Just kidding. She's dead.

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Off in the English countryside, back behind the church, there lay a secluded stretch of river, set amidst the willows, which was reserved for clergymen who wished to bathe in the nude.

Prominent signs warned against trespassing, and barriers prevented boats and punts containing females from approaching this discreet section of the river.

One fateful Sunday afternoon, as the holy men laid on the bank, the river rose up. It washed away the signs and weakened the barriers, and...

Son asked from dad. “Dad, what does Window of Opportunity mean”

Dad looked at the clock and said “Perfect timing! Quick, go and look out from that window. Wait a couple of minutes and then you will understand what a window of opportunity means." Son went to the window and then returned and said, “I saw Miss Jennifer going to sun bathe. I saw her walking naked in...

A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

My 5 year old...

My 5 year old son, after reading story of a king...
Son- Mom, I will also marry 3 wives. One will cook, one will sing and one will bathe me.
My wife- And which one will put you to sleep.
Son- No Mom, I will still sleep with you.
My wife's eyes filled with tears of pure love for our s...

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A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.

The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.'
"Why would I want a frog" says the woman.
The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!"
The woman immediately buys ...

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Smart diagnosis machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Kevin says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample ...

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

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A husband and wife are in a terrible car crash

The wife walks away with some minor cuts and bruises, but the husband is in critical condition and is rushed into surgery.

After 5 or 6 hours in the waiting room, the wife sees the doctor approaching in blood-stained scrubs.

"I've got good news and bad news," he says. "Which would you ...

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I've come back like we agreed

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.

“Rita! Rita!...

A woman had a terrible skin disease

That covered her legs. She went to a dermatologist and he said

"What you have is very rare but easily cured. Take a bath in milk for 3 nights and it will go away."

The woman went home and called the local grocery store and said
"I would like to buy 40 gallons of milk to bathe in."...

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The struggle of no arms and no legs.

It’s a bright and Sunny day, and a family decides to take their daughter out to the beach, but she’s an amputee, with not arms and and no legs. So the family finds a nice quiet spot on the beach, and the parents leave to go and do their own thing, while their daughter sun bathes in peace.

A ...

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A good computer

Jack :-“My elbow really hurts I guess I should see doctor.

His friend “Don’t be so desi. There’s a computer at the
drug store that can diagnose anything quicker andcheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer
will diagnose your problem and tell yo...

A King is being admired by his people...

They bring him food, bathe him, protect his castle, and all he has to do is shake a paw every once and a while..

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You know you're ISIS if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You destroy world heritage but believe we should plant trees.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

You think vests come in two sty...

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Divorcee

Heard this from a friend a couple years back...

A man named Ted has recently been divorced. It was ugly; his wife got the dog, the nice house in the suburbs and the car, and Ted is forced to stay in a shitty motel in an even shittier part of town. Depressed and with nothing left to lose, Ted...

An expecting couple is buying party supplies.

The cashier asks “What’s the occasion?”

“Oh, We are having our baby shower,” says the wife.

“That’s pretty impressive,” says the cashier. “My wife and I still have to bathe ours.”

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3 navigators land on a foreign island in the middle of the ocean.

The 3 men, one from Japan, one from France and the last from Australia, run onto the sand, immediately feeling the intense heat that the sun was giving off. After hiking for around half an hour, the travelers spot a beautiful oasis at the bottom of the hill. They all make a mad dash towards it, eage...

One evening

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay but after a w...

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So a woman had been in a coma for a few years. . .

And everyday, when the nurse comes in to bathe her, she notices slight changes in her vital stats whenever she washes near her crotch. So the nurse fetches the woman's husband and says,
"I think a little oral sex is all your wife needs to come out of this coma."
The husband nods and asks for...

One day I saw a homeless man...

I took pity on him. I brought him to my house, fed him, bathe him, and even let him stay at my house for a bit until he finds a job. However, he took advantage of this and became lazy. And everyday, he would raid my fridge and eat my food. I decide one day to put a stop to this. I bought a can of le...

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23 Limericks

These are all originals. The only way you saw one of these before this was posted is if you hacked my phone. If your name is on here, you owe me an upvote.

There once was a woman named June
Who was born about nine months too soon
She didn't have the luck
To be born by a fuck
She ...

TV Anchor and A Shapherd

TV Anchor to a Shapherd: "What do you feed your goat?"

Shepherd: "Which one, the black or the white?"

Anchor: "hmm! The black one"

Shepherd: "Grass"

Anchor: "And the white one?"

Shepherd: "Also Grass"

Anchor: "How do you bathe them?"

Shepherd: "Which ...

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Thank you

After having a gaggle of children, Louise noticed her pussy was, well... kinda loose, and it was causing problems in the marital bedroom. Since she couldn't make her husband's dick bigger, she had this brilliant idea that she should undergo plastic surgery to make her pussy tighter. So she makes an ...

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A blond reads that bathing in milk is good for her skin, so...

She goes down to her local grocery store and tells the clerk that she needs enough milk to be able to bathe in.
The clerk says "Alright, would you like it pasteurized?"
The blond says "Naw, just up to my boobs should do".

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Adam and Eve are in the Garden of Eden...

and they decide to bathe in the river. God shows up and sees Eve washing her vagina and shouts, "No! Now all of the fish are going to smell like that!"

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Selected Female Pick-Up Lines

“Are my undies showing? [“No.”] “Would you like them to?”

“Hey, in my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people can I practice on you?”

Put a dollar bill on your head and when he asks what you did that for tell him “its all you can eat for under a dollar.”

If a guy asks ...

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Gerrard and the nudist beach

Gerrard, a young Parisian stud, books himself a couple of weeks at a coastal nudist colony to work on the tan (and the ladies) but on his first day he realises his member looks like a milk bottle compared to the rest of his tanned, toned body - he doesn't believe in sunbeds and you can't exactly bat...

Probably old but one of my favorites.

A husband and wife get into a horrible car accident. They are taken to the emergency room. The doctor says to the husband, "you seem to have come out of the accident without a scratch. However, your wife is not so lucky. She has multiple lifelong, debilitating injuries. Because of her condition...

So this US general gets stationed at some lost, forgotten war-zone in the remotest reaches of Afghanistan.

He gets greeted at the door of his new command by the captain of the troops there. The first thing the General spots – and smells – is this beat up, dirty, flea bitten camel lying in squalor near the entrance to the place.

“Good God man!!” he yells at the captain. “Get that god-forsaken an...

A terrible situation.

A young couple wakes up for work and begin their normal routine. They each shower, get dressed, tell each other they love them, and give them a kiss goodbye before taking off.

The husband gets to work and has a voicemail from the hospital. It's a doctor, "Sir, there's been an accident, you ne...