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I saw an old man dip his balls into glitter

It was pretty nuts

A professor finds a cure for cancer right before falling into a vat of chickpea dip and dying

He was awarded post-hummous-ly

Skinny Dipping Boys Checking the Other's Manhood

Two boys were skinny dipping and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the other's manhood, so he asked, "How did you get it so big?" The other boy responded, "Well, I rub it down every night with lard." Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made...

I just had some cheese dip and got an upset stomach

Turns out it was a bad queso gas.

What did the teenager say when his friend told him that mexico had liquid cheese used for dipping?

"Kay, so?"

why were the Sunchips tasked with protecting the dip

Because they were known for garden salsa

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A homeless guy was caught at a craft store dipping his balls into a bag of glitter

It was pretty nuts.

Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am but skinny dipping is prohibited in this beach "

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"

Security guard :" Well, there is no law about that".

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

Skinny dipping

A farmer heads down to the pond carrying a bucket. As he nears the pond he hears voices. It's a bunch of girls skinny dipping. The girls hear him coming and all head down to the deep end. "We see you!" shouts one of them. "We're not coming out until you've gone". The farmer says "What? You think I'v...

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A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident

Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.

He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me hi...

What did god say when Eve went skinny dipping?

Damnit, i'm never getting that smell out of the fish.

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Police have reported a man going into local craft shops and dipping his testicles in glitter

Its pretty nuts!!!

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

I poisoned my wifes pita dip

The police charged me with hummus-cide

A joke from my 7 year old... What do you call a man who dips biscuits into his cup of tea?

Duncan

Bob Ross was out fishing when his pole started to dip.

He reeled in the fish and the fish said, "please don't eat me, can you please throw me back?"

Bob Ross replies, "Woah, a talking fish! I was going to throw you back anyways!"

The fish swims away a bit and then turns back, saying "Now that you let me go, how about a wish?"

Bob Ro...

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and...

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free."

So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.
<...

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When a priest really has to crap, he says "holy shit!". When a priest needs some dip for his chips, he yells "holy guacamole!" What does a priest say when masturbates without any lubrication?

Holy smoke!

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What three countries did the giant eat?

Got turkey, dipped it in Greece and fried it in Japan.

A catholic missionary is baptizing people in a river near an African village.

He pushes Mutombo under water and raises him again. Then he tells him:
"You are now Christian, and so you are no longer called Mutombo, you are now Joseph.
Oh and one more thing. Since you are Christian, you are no longer allowed to eat meat on fridays. "

The next friday, the priest...

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Caught Skinny Dipping

A priest and a rabbi are good friends and one night they get talking about Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. The conversation leads them to try skinny dipping and under the light of the moon, they find themselves in swimming in a lake with their clothes hung from a tree. A car pulls up right next...

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.



Right at the back of the farm there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been dow...

I wanted to go skinny dipping this summer

But at least I went chubby dipping

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My girlfriend and I went skinny dipping in the ocean...

The water was cold and when we got out, she pointed at my dick and started laughing. I had to explain to her what shrinkage was, and that it was not always the same size. After some discussion, she understood the concept and said, “so you’re about 2 inches, on average?”

I replied, “Well, that...

I was just taking a dip in the swimming pool when the lifeguard shouted out..

"What have you got there?"



"Hummus", I replied.

I swear I’ve had this brand of brothy sandwich dip, before!

Never mind, label says it’s just “Dave’s Au Jus.”

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What do you call someone who dips their dick in a bowl of Cheerios?

A cereal rapist

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Inebriated Indecency

(Sorry for mobile formatting)
Betty and Barry, a middle-aged couple, went out late one hot Friday night to grab dinner. After they had finished their meal, they sat with drinks and enjoyed dessert. Barry excused himself to the restroom and Betty sat there listening and observed the other patrons ...

What is mRNA's favorite dip?

GUAC

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According to a news report...

a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little li...

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<nsfw> Saw 2 guys in hobby lobby dipping their testicles in glitter.

I thought they were pretty nuts.

A woman in Germany is Skinny-Dipping in a lake...

A woman in Germany is skinny dipping in a local lake, when she notices a police officer waving to her from the bank. "Excuse me, Fräulein," he says. "You can't swim in this lake. It's illegal."

Mortified, the woman says, "Couldn't you have told me that before I stripped naked?!"

The of...

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

Did you hear about the professor who could tell the acidity or baseness of a solution by dipping his genitals into it?

He had a PH D

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You a...

The royal calligrapher's apprentice.

In the late 1400s there was a young man named Pablo. He was apprenticed to the royal calligrapher for the king of Spain. One day the royal calligrapher gathered his apprentices for a lesson.

"Any letter penned for his majesty must be penned with Ink made here in Spain! It would be a trav...

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

Jack Schitt, Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock a...

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Q: Have you heard about the guy who likes to dip his balls in glitter?

A: Yeah, he's Pretty Nuts.

What do you get when you dip a chicken in paint?

A crosswalk.

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Have I ever dipped my testicles into a beer?

Once, in a Blue Moon.

Two college girls went skinny dipping in a pond

Suddenly a farmer comes over with a bucket and they scream and cover themselves.

"What are you doing, you pervert?!" One of them shouts.

The farmer then pours the bucket of fish into the water.

"Oh don't worry, I'm just here to feed the alligators,"

What is Soulja Boy's favorite dip?

Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus

Just kidding, it's whatever they have in prison these days.

Someone died eating chickpea dip...

It was ruled a hummuscide.

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10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates...

St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl,

"So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool...

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They found a guy in hobby lobby dipping his testicles in the glitter bins

One eye witness was quoted as saying "It was pretty nuts!"

A couple decided to go skinny dipping in Paris during a cold winter night.

They were In Seine

My cousin said he "dips his pen into the company ink"

That carries some serious implications on the family farm.

What do you call it when you sneeze with a dip (tobacco) in?

An ah chew.

Came up with that myself hope you enjoy.

What do you call a Russian raspberry dipped in lighter fluid?

Rasp-butane

A leper goes into a diner...

This one time a Leper goes into a diner and settles in a seat at the counter, orders his food and coffee and waits. It's a busy morning so the counter is pretty full of customers.

After his food comes, the leper proceeds to eat, but notices the man to his right look towards him and then retch...

A gynecologist goes in to see a new patient.

Upon entering, he notices that the new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he decides to break the ice with some small talk.

"Do you know how they make latex gloves?", he asks.

"No", she responds.

The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex tha...

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Four nuns died and were at the gates of heaven. An angel greeted them.

"Welcome to heaven, dear sisters. God awaits you inside. But in order to be able to enter heaven, you have to be cleansed of your sins first."

Then the angel summoned a huge bowl with some kind of holy, luminous water in it and called the first nun.

"Have you got any sins to be cleanse...

Skinny dipping involves a swimming pool.

Fat dipping involves a ranch cup and chicken nuggets.

There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America

If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?

Dip Chip Anyone?

A man answers an ad for a sales position. The hiring manager says "We sell toothbrushes. You'll be on a 30 day probationary period. In that time you need to sell at least 100 units on average each week. If you make that goal you'll be hired on full time."

The man agrees and starts work immedi...

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

If you ever get a splinter, dip it in alcohol.

Whenever my mum had a prick in her hand, she'd put it in cider.

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In order to tell when I have to get it drained, I have a pole that I dip into my septic tank.

(Shitpost)

What do dj's dip their bread sticks in?

Marin*era-era--*

What is a redneck plumber's favorite dipping sauce?

...wranch

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A man decided to go skinny dipping

He found a secluded pond in the woods and went for a nude swim. Some kids happened by and decided to steal his clothes as a joke and only left his straw hat. When the man finally noticed his clothes were missing, he grabbed his hat, covered the family jewels, and made a run for home. On the way he p...

Dipping your beaks into different coloured paints, eh?

Well, toucans play at that game.

What dip do ducks favour the most?

Quakamole.

what do you call 6.02 X 10^23 atoms of avocado dipping sauce?

one guacamole

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Why was Prince Charles’s dick multicoloured?

He kept dipping it in Di

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Bob, an Olympic class wrestler - has a match with Bjorn, a Lapland wrestling grandmaster

Before the meet, Bob's coaches warned him that Bjorn has a deadly stranglehold move called "the pretzel". They warned him not to dip his right shoulder while standing face to face, or he will certainly lose.

Bob keeps this advice in mind as he wrestles Bjorn - but he loses concentration for ...

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Tennis elbow

Johns tennis elbow was hurting one morning so he decided to go see the doctor.
When he gets to the office he is asked to take a urine test. He complains about it but finally does it anyway.
About 15 minutes later the doctor called him into the examination room.
"Hey John, that tennis elbow...

So, this dairy farmer takes his son out to learn about milking for the first time.

After he shows how to pull on the udders and fill the bucket, he says, "Now son, we have to dip your head in the milk to make it safe to drink."
The boy is confused and asks, "You've gotta dunk my whole head in the milk to be safe, Pa?"
The dairy farmer says, "No, son, no..."

"Just past...

Observation

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into hi...

I hide all my weed in a dip in the road...

I call it my pothole

I dipped a fish in paint and threw it onto a canvas, it then sold for a million dollars

It was a Pollack

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

What is a ducks favourite dip for crisps?

Quacemole

What's Avagodro's favorite type of dip?

GuacaMOLE

What do you buy for a WallStreetBets party?

The dip

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A Man Tans in the Nude and Burns His Penis

His doctor tells him to dip it into a saucer of milk to ease the pain.

His wife comes home, and finds her husband's dick in the saucer of milk.

"Well, Fuck me," she exclaims, "I've always wondered how you reloaded that thing."

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Jesus & Moses in a boat

so jesus and moses were rowing a boat fishing for supper and after no action Jesus was getting bored and he was like 'hey moishe, moishe--check it out, you think i can still walk on water? you think i still have it? how much you wanna bet i can still walk on water?' Moses says 'i'll take any bet you...

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I get turned on whenever I eat greek dips...

...I think I'm a hummusexual.

A Priest and a Rabbi go for a Walk in the Park

As both come by a beautiful lake, the rabbi says: “Let’s take a dip, the water looks refreshing!”

“But we have no trunks”

“Then let’s go in as god has created us.”

Said and done, they go in. After a while, they get out and walk back to their clothes. There, a small group of peop...

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Why didn't Hitler ever order a french dip?

Because he hates au jus.

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A plumber apprentice, carrying a large, heavy tool box and a master plumber go out for a job.

They get to an overflowing sewer with poop floating on top. The master puffs his cigarette a few times and put it to rest on a rock. Takes his hat off, hold his breath and dips his head into the water to take a look. After a second or so, gets his head out:

"Give me the 9/16 wrench!"
...

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A dip and chip stand

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the custo...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...

Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his net...

It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.

This will make sure that

a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.

b) nobody will shake hands with you.

c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.

d) You will wash your hands thor...

Did you hear about the poet who liked to dip his work in moisturiser?

It was poetry in lotion

A group of men from San Francisco were skinny dipping...

When a Condom floated to the surface

"okay guys, who farted?

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What will you say?

A man is selling a colorful parrot and a beautiful woman comes and says "how much for the parrot?"
100$ he kinda speaks, says the man
The lady goes "can't it be a little cheaper?"
As they're negotiating the parrot looks at her and goes "owner, look at this girl! She's a damn prostitute! She...

What's a thoughtful person's favourite dip?

Hmmmus.

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One summers day, a group of young girls decide to go swimming...

One summers day, a group of girls decide to go swimming rather than class. Instead of the more popular spots, the friends choose a discreet little pond on the far side of the lake. Sure, its privately owned but they're unlikely to be discovered there.

When the young ladies get to the pond, t...

A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender ...

What does the Pope dip his chips in?

Holy Guacamole

An orthodox priest, a catholic priest and a rabbi go for a swim.

It was a hot day and the three desperately needed to cool off. They went to the lake just outside the village, made sure no one else was around, and decided to skinny dip.

While they were splashing around, a group of women returning from the fields stopped for a quick break and noticed the th...

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