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Q: Have you heard about the guy who likes to dip his balls in glitter?

A: Yeah, he's Pretty Nuts.

What do dj's dip their bread sticks in?

Marin*era-era--*

What do you get when you dip a chicken in paint?

A crosswalk.

I hide all my weed in a dip in the road...

I call it my pothole

If you ever get a splinter, dip it in alcohol.

Whenever my mum had a prick in her hand, she'd put it in cider.

What is Avogadro's favorite dip?

Guaca-mole

Dip Chip Anyone?

A man answers an ad for a sales position. The hiring manager says "We sell toothbrushes. You'll be on a 30 day probationary period. In that time you need to sell at least 100 units on average each week. If you make that goal you'll be hired on full time."

The man agrees and starts work immedi...

Did you hear about the poet who liked to dip his work in moisturiser?

It was poetry in lotion

What's Avagodro's favorite type of dip?

GuacaMOLE

Why didn't Hitler ever order a french dip?

Because he hates au jus.

What do robots dip in salsa?

Microchips

What dip do ducks favour the most?

Quakamole.

What is a ducks favourite dip for crisps?

Quacemole

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4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.
St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"
The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Ho...

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I get turned on whenever I eat greek dips...

...I think I'm a hummusexual.

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A dip and chip stand

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the custo...

A newfie was walking up the wharf with a small lobster in each hand.

He was half way up to his truck when he saw a fishery officer approaching him.
"Ha we got ya now buddy, that's a $10000 fine in each hand!" exclaimed the officer.
"Naw these aint no ordinary lobsters b'y, dese are me pet lobsters!" George said calmly.
"I takes em for a dip here e'ry day ...

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A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them:

"Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line."

And they do so. St. P...

What does the Pope dip his chips in?

Holy Guacamole

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What do you call a Mexican baptism?

Bean dip.

No offense intended(to get the racial shit stated before I get hit with it)

What's a thoughtful person's favourite dip?

Hmmmus.

My long distance girlfriend wanted to see the guacamole I made

So I sent her a solicited dip pic

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A very fit, attractive man is jogging along the beach one morning...

...and he comes across a old, handicapped woman in a wheelchair, sobbing.


The man stops, and with concern in his voice, politely asks the woman what’s the matter.


She waves him off, but he insists. He wants to help.


“Well, it’s just that I’m an old woman in a whee...

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A woman was at the bar of a Mexican restaurant one night...

...when she saw a much younger man enter with some of his friends.

She went over to strike up a conversation with him. Though she was pushing 40, she was very attractive, and she could tell this barely 21-year-old man was into her. So she suggested that they go back to her place. The young...

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You a...

A leper walks into a bar... (Don’t read at mealtime)

A leper walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him, then runs to the back to throw up.

The leper says “Hey, I know my appearance is a little...off putting. I can leave”
“No No,” the bartender replies. “It’s not you. Have another drink, on the house. “

The leper t...

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Nuns

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any...

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The Toothbrush Salesman.

One day, a man with a lisp named Joseph walks into a toothbrush factory. Down on his luck and very desperate, he asks to speak to the manager of the facility, about getting a job as a toothbrush salesman. The manager walks out, and greets Joseph. “Hi there thir, my names Jotheph, and I was curiouth ...

Dave had only one leg.

Every night he would sit at the pub, cradling his beer his trousers looking deflated below the knee. Yet the men found it hard to feel sorry for him as every night, he would go home with another beautiful girl. One day, young chuck, overcome with curiosity, decided to ask him his secret. He bought D...

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A Bus filled with Catholic School girls droves off a cliff

A bus filled with Catholic school girls goes off a cliff and they all die. 

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Erica, have you ever had any contact with a penis? She giggles and shyly replies, "I once touched the head of one with the tip o...

An elderly man in Florida had owned a farm for many, many years

. It had a large pond in the back
that was perfect for swimming, so he fixed it up
with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
orange and lime trees. One afternoon the old
farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over since he hadn't been there for a while and
grabbed a ...

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2 old drunks

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend,

"That's us in 10 years".




He said "That's a mirror, dip-shit !

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A little boy and his papa were going on a boat ride

On the car ride to the lake the papa put in a dip. The little boy asked, "Papa, can I have a little dip too?" The papa asked the boy a question in return. "Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" The boy responded no and the papa replied back, "Well then you're not old enough, and besides,...

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The organ grinder

On a hot day an organ grinder comes into a bar with his monkey and orders a beer. As the organ grinder is sipping his beer, the monkey runs down the bar, squats over a martini, and dips his balls in to cool off.

The guy with the martini shoos the monkey away and orders another martini.
...

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Gotta have a gimmick

A young man started a new job as a toothbrush salesman. The first day he sold 5 toothbrushes. He saw that one guy had sold 200 so he asked him his secret. The seasoned salesman told him that to be successful he had to come up with a gimmick. The next day the young man returned to the office and ...

A man was looking for a job

A man was looking for a job. The only issue was that he had a harelip, so he was hard to understand. One day, he sees a man walking up the street selling laundry detergent door to door, and approaches him. The man says in a cracking voice, "excuse me sir, are you hiring?" The salesman replies, "I do...

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Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O.Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N.S...

You know how Popeye has muscles of steel? Which muscle does he have that never rusts?

The one that he dips into Olive Oyl.

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A Horny American

is walking along Jalan Bukit Bintang, in Kuala Lumpur one night and a very gorgeous girl catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation with her, and quickly discovers that she is one
of those "exclusive" ladies-of-the-trade.

"How much do you charge?", asks he.

Mary replies, ...

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A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die. Once at the doors of heaven they try to get in but St Peter lines them up to ask them if they’ve ever touched a penis

Calm down and form a line please. Let’s see, you first Sister Mary, have you ever touched a penis?

- “...well I did once but only with the tip of my finger”

- “That’s fine” - says St Peter, -“dip your finger in holly water and enter.

-What about you Sister Rose, have you ever...

What do you call a Mexican baptism?

Bean dip

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Wandering through the jungle, a lizard comes across a monkey getting baked

**Lizard** \- Hey Monkey, what's all that smoke up there ? You alright ?

**Monkey** \- Maaaan come up there and taste this shit with me. You gonna have the best time of your life !

*The lizard seems hesitant but climbs up anyway and joins the monkey on the tree and in his smoking sessi...

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Buddy told me chewing tobacco gave him the poops...

What a dip shit!

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The Little Debbie company is trying to make a new snack

In a meeting room, several people are trying to make the new snack everyone will love

a guy who really likes chocolate: what if we made brownies with even more chocolate on them?

everyone couldn't seem to get behind the idea, so they kept trying to find a new idea

a dude who thi...

Dads favorite medical school joke.

Medical students were attending their 1st biochemistry class. They all gathered around the Lab table with a urine sample. The professor dip his finger in urine & tasted it in his own mouth.  Then he asked the students to do the same. The students hesitated for several minutes, but at last every...

Just thought of this in the shower! (and added to it while on the toilet)

Paul hasn’t seen his cousins in a long time. After receiving a random facebook invite to his youngest cousin’s 8th birthday part he takes some time off and catches a flight.

The party was all fun and games in the yard but it was warm out so he went inside to cool off with some good ole air c...

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A man was installing an electric circuit in my house.

He said, 'Do you mind if I dip this thin metal thread into my coloured fluid?'

'Why the fuck would I care?' I asked.

He said, 'I'm only ink wiring.'

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Honeydicked

A married couple decide to go to a nude beach for their honeymoon.

As they are laying out enjoying the sun a bee flies right up between the wife’s legs. The husband rushes her to the hospital.

He explains to the doctor that his wife is allergic to bees and begs him to help.

S...

The tale of Drango Dune

A proddy young gunfighter swings off his horse and barges through the batwing doors into a saloon, where everyone falls silent, except for the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause. "I'm looking for Drango Dune!" yells the young man, and everyone turns away except for one old-timer...

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A man walks into a fancy restaurant...

...and sits alone at an empty table. After some time exploring the menu he calls for a waiter.
"Are you ready to order sir?"
"Yes, I will have a single shrimp and a glass of milk" says the man. The waiter shocked by the extravagance of the order writes it down and goes rushes into the kitchen....

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Did you know Prince Charles has a multi coloured penis?

He used to dip it in Di every night

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Hole in the wall cafe

A guy goes to a cafe, observes the waiter is dipping his hands in all the hot liquid servings.
Now the guy calls the waiter and asks for a coffee and specifically instructs him not to dip his fingers in it.
After a while the waiter is back with the coffee with his fingers dipped in it.
The...

Went to the beach yesterday...

Seen a man sprinting down the beach, aiming dead on for the water, running at break neck speed with a huge tub of hummus under his arm. I ran over to him as he got to the water and shouted

“What on earth are you doing?!”

He replied

“Taking a dip in the sea!”

A priest is baptizing a man.

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grab...

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Old perverted Joke

This is a dumb joke but I always remembered it being told at 12. Sorry in advanced if most of you think its Dumb.

A family goes to a nude beach. The father, mother, and their only son. The Father goes for a walk, the mother is sun bathing and the son goes for a dip. The son runs to mom and ...

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A bus full of catholic school girls gets in a horrible accident.

Sadly all on the bus perished and are waiting in line at the pearly gates. St Peter approaches the first girl in line.

"Mary Margaret, I have one question for you, and it is of the utmost importance that you answer truthfully. Have you ever touched a penis?"

Mary blushed a little bit...

Have you heard that the weather forecast in Alabama now favors Roy Moore?

It’s expected to dip into the teens

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NSFW Four nuns die in a bus accident

They find themselves standing in line at the pearly gates. St Peter is reviewing the recently perished to ensure they belong in heaven. Nun #1 reaches the gates, St Peter recognizes them as nuns and says. "I only have one question: have you ever touched a penis?" Nun#1 blushes and says yes. St. Pe...

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A man walks into a bar.

He sits down and says, "three fingers of scotch, please." So the bartender pours him his drink and sets it down in front of him.

Just as the guy reaches for it, though, a monkey leaps out of the shadows, dips its balls in the drink, and disappears just as quickly as it came.

"Wha...

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were waiting for an elevator.

On the floor, next to the elevator door, was a tiny puddle of milky liquid. The brunette notices it first and says,
"Oh my God, that looks like semen."
The redhead bends down and sniffs,
"Oh my god, this smells like semen."
The blonde gets down on one knee, dips her finger in it, and st...

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A lady just wants to take a bath.

Here’s an original one.


A woman, let’s go with Penny., was preparing to go to a banquet in two hours. She goes to to take a bath. She prepares a clean dry, takes off her clothes and throws them into the dirty hamper. Just as she was about to step foot into the bath, she hears a knock at ...

An old lady told me this

You know how rubber gloves are made? They hire all kinds of people; black guys, white guys,boys, girls, men, women; and have them all dip their hands in liquid hot rubber. You get all manner of gloves from this. Big ones, small ones, medical gloves, elbow length cleaning gloves. The more durable the...

A worldwide chickpea shortage has caused Humus makers to add more lemon to the recipe

Retailers are expecting sales to fall and are prepared for a sharp dip.

A preacher, a priest, and a rabbi ....

A preacher, a priest, and a rabbi are walking together on a hot summer day. They happen upon a nice looking pond and decide to take a dip. Having no clothes to change into; they agree to skiny dip. Just as the three are getting into the pond they hear a group of people approaching the pond down the ...

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A man walks into a bar and sees someone sitting alone, wearing a Trump hat.

The man strolls in and declares to the bartender, " I want to buy everyone in here a free round of drinks, except for the jerk in the Trump hat". The man wearing the hat dips his head and says "Thank you." Finding this annoying, he orders another around, again specifying that the man with the Trump ...

A detective walks into a party...

and asks the partygoers,
"Do you guys have any Nacho Cheese?"
The partygoers respond,
"No dip, Sherlock."

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More than a bit racist

An Arab man comes home one day to his wife and child and says, "My sweet flower, I'm sick of all the dirty looks and prejudice. It's time we convert to Christianity, life will be easier."

The family goes to a priest and the father asks if the priest can convert the family to Christianity. ...

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Toothbrush (Long)

3 men apply for a sales job at toothbrush company. The first day the manger send them out for their first try at selling toothbrushes.
At the end of the day they come back and report in:
Manager, “how many did you sell?
First guy, “I sold 42.”
Manager, “Not bad”
Second guy, “I sold 86...

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Three best friends become nuns

Three young women who had been best friends for their entire lives all decided to join a convent and become nuns. After going through all of the preparatory courses, the young women are ready to take their final vows.

After an elaborate and beautiful ceremony, the priest calls the young wome...

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4 young ladies and go to heaven...

When they arrive at the gate, St-Peter tells them they must bathe in a bassin of holy water the part of their bodies with which they have touched a penis.
The first girl goes "I've only touched a penis with the tip of my fingers" and so she dips her fingers into the holy water"
The second gi...

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3 nuns die and go to heaven...

They're greeted warmly by the big pearly gates. The welcoming angel is holding a big bowl of water. He asks the first nun - have you ever touched a man's penis?

The first nun trembles and says yes, she touched a penis but only with her fingers.

Dip your fingers into the holy water an...

A priest in church wanted to demonstrate the dangers of alcohol.

He took out a live worm, dipped it in a glass of water and pulled it out alive. 'See? The worm is alive and well'. He now dips the worm in a glass of whisky and pulls out the worm. He screams at the congregation 'look at this worm. It's dead now. What does that tell you? The drunk at the back says: ...

Holy baptism

John, an alcoholic, went to the church to find a solution for his drinking problems.

The priest, after a long talk, asks: Are you baptized ?

No

Well then, I'll give you the holy baptism and you'll be a new man.

The priest plunged John 3 times in the water and says:
...

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A Bus Full of Nuns

A bus full of nuns crashes on their way to a Jesus convention.
Many of the nuns die and find themselves in line at heavens gate, with St. Peter standing guard. St. peter asks the first nun, "Sister Mary, have you ever touched a penis?", she replies, "only with these two fingers." as she holds up ...

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Most guys pee on the side of the toilet so it makes less noise.

I dip my dick in the toilet water so it makes NO noise.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It worked for the bull

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.


One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."


"How did you...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich under one arm and a cat under the other.

The man orders a pint for himself and one for the ostrich.

The cat says "Don't think for a moment I'm paying for this!".

The bartender looks puzzled but diligently pours two pints.

The man ...

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Once, there were 4 sisters who were going to go in to confession.

The first sister entered, and spoke with the priest. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been 1 week since my last confession. I have seen a man's penis".

The priest stated, "You are forgiven. Dip your eyes in our bowl of holy water to cleanse them, and say 5 Hail Marys. Send in you...

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A girl and her parrot

A girl was complaining to her brother about her pet parrot and how it kept calling her a whore.

The brother tells her to give him the parrot for a few days and he can sort things out.

The brother takes the parrot home, fills a tub with water, and holds the parrot's head under the water...

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous.

While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says:

- There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry.

She does not crack a smile, but later she ...

How do you know when you have a good redneck girlfriend?

If she can give you oral with a dip in and know which to swallow and which to spit.

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic on a really hot summer day and wanted to dip in the river to cool off. They had not thought to bring bathing suits, so decided to skinny dip instead.

The river was flowing rapidly and both clergy were washed a short distance downstream before getting ...

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A young couple have just finished making love on their porch.

A young couple have just finished making love on their porch. As they are lying there naked a small bee flies into the woman's vagina. After they both freak out a little they then jump in the car and drive to the nearest doctor.
They get to his house and run inside and quickly explain the situat...