Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

What did god say when Eve went skinny dipping for the first time?

Damn, i will never get that scent out of my fish.

Bob Ross was out fishing when his pole started to dip.

He reeled in the fish and the fish said, "please don't eat me, can you please throw me back?"

Bob Ross replies, "Woah, a talking fish! I was going to throw you back anyways!"

The fish swims away a bit and then turns back, saying "Now that you let me go, how about a wish?"

Bob Ro...

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Did you hear about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter?

It was pretty nuts

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I got kicked out of hobby lobby for dipping my balls in glitter

Pretty nuts huh!!

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When a priest really has to crap, he says "holy shit!". When a priest needs some dip for his chips, he yells "holy guacamole!" What does a priest say when masturbates without any lubrication?

Holy smoke!

I wanted to go skinny dipping this summer

But at least I went chubby dipping

I poisoned my wifes pita dip

The police charged me with hummus-cide

What's Fozzy Bear's favourite dip?

Guaca wocka.

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My girlfriend and I went skinny dipping in the ocean...

The water was cold and when we got out, she pointed at my dick and started laughing. I had to explain to her what shrinkage was, and that it was not always the same size. After some discussion, she understood the concept and said, “so you’re about 2 inches, on average?”

I replied, “Well, that...

I swear I’ve had this brand of brothy sandwich dip, before!

Never mind, label says it’s just “Dave’s Au Jus.”

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Police have reported a man going into local craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter

It's pretty nuts

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

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<nsfw> Saw 2 guys in hobby lobby dipping their testicles in glitter.

I thought they were pretty nuts.

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Caught Skinny Dipping

A priest and a rabbi are good friends and one night they get talking about Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. The conversation leads them to try skinny dipping and under the light of the moon, they find themselves in swimming in a lake with their clothes hung from a tree. A car pulls up right next...

Did you hear the one about the detective that found a lost jar of cheese dip in the fridge?

He cracked that cold queso...

Now you know

Jack Schitt, Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In t...

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A fugitive is on the run and dips into a taqueria

He looks around the room and the only other patron is a Hispanic fellow with tats and a bandanna so he figures that the coast is clear and this is a good place to hide out for a while. The fugitive goes up to order some food when out of nowhere he gets tackled to the floor by the other patron! "Who ...

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What do you call someone who dips their dick in a bowl of Cheerios?

A cereal rapist

I was just taking a dip in the swimming pool when the lifeguard shouted out..

"What have you got there?"



"Hummus", I replied.

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Jesus & Moses in a boat

so jesus and moses were rowing a boat fishing for supper and after no action Jesus was getting bored and he was like 'hey moishe, moishe--check it out, you think i can still walk on water? you think i still have it? how much you wanna bet i can still walk on water?' Moses says 'i'll take any bet you...

Spanish doctor works at my hospital. Never wears PPE, never washes his hands. Just dips his fingers in black ink constantly. It's a bit weird, so I ask him how he stays safe and what the ink is for.

He just smiles and says:

"No one infects the Spanish ink physician"

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A Man Tans in the Nude and Burns His Penis

His doctor tells him to dip it into a saucer of milk to ease the pain.

His wife comes home, and finds her husband's dick in the saucer of milk.

"Well, Fuck me," she exclaims, "I've always wondered how you reloaded that thing."

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

So, this dairy farmer takes his son out to learn about milking for the first time.

After he shows how to pull on the udders and fill the bucket, he says, "Now son, we have to dip your head in the milk to make it safe to drink."
The boy is confused and asks, "You've gotta dunk my whole head in the milk to be safe, Pa?"
The dairy farmer says, "No, son, no..."

"Just past...

A woman in Germany is Skinny-Dipping in a lake...

A woman in Germany is skinny dipping in a local lake, when she notices a police officer waving to her from the bank. "Excuse me, Fräulein," he says. "You can't swim in this lake. It's illegal."

Mortified, the woman says, "Couldn't you have told me that before I stripped naked?!"

The of...

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Have I ever dipped my testicles into a beer?

Once, in a Blue Moon.

What is mRNA's favorite dip?

GUAC

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As t...

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10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates...

St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl,

"So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool...

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One summers day, a group of young girls decide to go swimming...

One summers day, a group of girls decide to go swimming rather than class. Instead of the more popular spots, the friends choose a discreet little pond on the far side of the lake. Sure, its privately owned but they're unlikely to be discovered there.

When the young ladies get to the pond, t...

Did you hear about the professor who could tell the acidity or baseness of a solution by dipping his genitals into it?

He had a PH D

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You a...

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I dipped my balls in some 1000 island dressing

because I have depression

My cousin said he "dips his pen into the company ink"

That carries some serious implications on the family farm.

A Priest and a Rabbi go for a Walk in the Park

As both come by a beautiful lake, the rabbi says: “Let’s take a dip, the water looks refreshing!”

“But we have no trunks”

“Then let’s go in as god has created us.”

Said and done, they go in. After a while, they get out and walk back to their clothes. There, a small group of peop...

Two college girls went skinny dipping in a pond

Suddenly a farmer comes over with a bucket and they scream and cover themselves.

"What are you doing, you pervert?!" One of them shouts.

The farmer then pours the bucket of fish into the water.

"Oh don't worry, I'm just here to feed the alligators,"

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A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

Someone died eating chickpea dip...

It was ruled a hummuscide.

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Q: Have you heard about the guy who likes to dip his balls in glitter?

A: Yeah, he's Pretty Nuts.

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Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customers salsa.

I'm sure Jerry Lee Lewis wrote a song about that.

What is Soulja Boy's favorite dip?

Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus

Just kidding, it's whatever they have in prison these days.

An orthodox priest, a catholic priest and a rabbi go for a swim.

It was a hot day and the three desperately needed to cool off. They went to the lake just outside the village, made sure no one else was around, and decided to skinny dip.

While they were splashing around, a group of women returning from the fields stopped for a quick break and noticed the th...

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A man named Melvin works for a toothbrush company.

Year after year, he can repeatedly sell the most toothbrushes out of everyone who works for the company, at least tripling the the amount of sales the guy trailing him has made. No one knows how he does it.

One day, Melvin's boss calls him into his office.

"What is it, boss?" Melvin as...

What does a blind person dip their chips in?

Glaucomole

What do you call it when you sneeze with a dip (tobacco) in?

An ah chew.

Came up with that myself hope you enjoy.

What do you get when you dip a chicken in paint?

A crosswalk.

The female washroom had a lip print problem.

Everyday the popular girls went to the washroom and left lipstick prints on the mirrors, causing a hassle for the janitor.

So he thought of a plan and discussed it with a teacher.

One day he invited the offenders to the washroom.

“Everyday after school I need to clean these l...

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They found a guy in hobby lobby dipping his testicles in the glitter bins

One eye witness was quoted as saying "It was pretty nuts!"

My boss at the cereal factory pulled me into his office...

“I like your recipes son, but I think we should make some changes.”

“Ok”, I said, “Like What?”

“Well, first I’d like to dip it in sucrose. Then, I’d like to dust it with dextrose -“

“Stop right there”, I said. “No need to sugar coat it.”

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A group of nuns are on the way to the beach when the bus they're in veers off the road and burns to smithereens.

They all wake up to see they are at the pearly gates of heaven with Saint Paul standing in front of them.

St. Paul goes the first nun and says, "sister have you ever had any contact with a penis? "

"Yes father, I once touched a penis with my finger. "

St. Paul says, "Please di...

What do dj's dip their bread sticks in?

Marin*era-era--*

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

A couple decided to go skinny dipping in Paris during a cold winter night.

They were In Seine

Eve is boing for the first bath in the lake.

First she dips her toes in the water and it feels great.
She gets into the water up to her knees and she feels amazing.
Then she goes even deeper to put in her thighs, it’s almost ecstatic.
Then she can’t resist no longer so she jumps right into the lake and starts swimming, when the god ap...

What do you call a Russian raspberry dipped in lighter fluid?

Rasp-butane

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In order to tell when I have to get it drained, I have a pole that I dip into my septic tank.

(Shitpost)

I grabbed the chips out of the pantry

and looked through the fridge for some dip.

It wasn't where I thought it should be.

I glanced in askance towards my wife who was warming up noodles on the stove.

Next to her on the counter, a visibly empty jar.

Aghast, I shouted: "That was NACHO CHEESE!"

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A traveling salesman employs a man with a stutter to sell toothbrushes...

His expectations are low for this guy, so he gives him a couple dozen toothbrushes to sell, expecting him to flop out.

To his surprise, the man returns in an hour with all the money. "S-s-sold then a-all!", he says.

The salesman chalks it up to beginners luck, and hands the stutterin...

Skinny dipping involves a swimming pool.

Fat dipping involves a ranch cup and chicken nuggets.

If you ever get a splinter, dip it in alcohol.

Whenever my mum had a prick in her hand, she'd put it in cider.

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic on a really hot summer day and wanted to dip in the river to cool off. They had not thought to bring bathing suits, so decided to skinny dip instead.


The river was flowing rapidly and both clergy were washed a short distance downstream before ge...

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today

Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon

A man walks into a bar holding several miniature pigs

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender r...

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There are three guys looking for a job

They come across this toothbrush seller, they ask for a job and end up getting it. Their employer tells them “ok all you guys need to do is walk around town and sell as many toothbrushes as you can, then once the days over you come back to me and tell how many you sold”, so they each get a box of to...

What is a redneck plumber's favorite dipping sauce?

...wranch

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Joe goes to the doctor for a checkup. Halstaad M.D. asks just one thing.

Joe goes to the doctor for a checkup. Halstaad M.D. asks just one thing.

Please pee on this cup and come back. Joe's confused by this weird method, but fuck it let's roll.

Joe brings the cup back. Then, Halstaad dips his right pinky into the urine, licks it and pauses.
Then, he...

It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.

This will make sure that

a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.

b) nobody will shake hands with you.

c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.

d) You will wash your hands thor...

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3 nuns die and go to heavens gate

3 nuns died and went to Heavens Gate. St. Peter comes out and says "before you can enter the gates of heaven you must answer me this one question".
"What part of your body last touch a man's genitals?"

The first nun steps up and says, "Well, I used to work in an orphanage with babies and ...

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A bumpy flight

A plane full of British passengers is heading towards Paris with a smooth and uneventful start. Suddenly the plane is lurching and dipping with passengers getting very annoyed.

A group of passengers approach a flight attendant and demand to know what's happening. She says everything is fine ...

Dip Chip Anyone?

A man answers an ad for a sales position. The hiring manager says "We sell toothbrushes. You'll be on a 30 day probationary period. In that time you need to sell at least 100 units on average each week. If you make that goal you'll be hired on full time."

The man agrees and starts work immedi...

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My go-to joke: the monkey who dunks his balls in the whiskey

This joke has probably been posted in here before, but what the hell, it’s my favorite.

So this guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a glass of whiskey, double shot, no ice.
“There you go, sir”, says the bartender, and hands the man his whiskey.
Suddenly, a monkey appear...

Dipping your beaks into different coloured paints, eh?

Well, toucans play at that game.

I was sending letters to a kid with cancer

I told him, "the road ahead will be filled with bumps and dips, but soon, it'll straighten out." no one noticed I was talking about his heart rate monitor.

A chemistry professor was taking the first class for a new batch of students who just joined the college.

So, he made all of them stand infront of a table that had a beaker with some liquid in it.

"Observation is very crucial in Chemistry.. the more you observe, the better you can learn", he said as he dipped his left index finger into the beaker containing the liquid.

After 15 seconds, he...

Adam walks into a cafe and orders tea

Adam ordered a cup of tea in a cafe.

So, a waiter brought it for him but dipped his fingers in it.

Adam asked "Hey moron, why are you dipping your fingers in my tea?"

The waiter replied, "My finger is injured and the doctor advised me to keep it warm."

Adam said, "Then s...

One day Achilles and Testiclles ar talking

Testiclles said "Why is your name Achilles?" and Achilles said "When my mother dipped me in the river, she held me by my heel. My tendon is my only weak spot" and then he said "And why is your name Testiclles?"

I hide all my weed in a dip in the road...

I call it my pothole

What dip do ducks favour the most?

Quakamole.

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Four nuns are questioned by the Mother Superior

Each nun is asked "have you every done anything sexual?"
First nun says "I once touched at a penis."
Mother superior: "go and dip your finger in the Holy Water"

Second nun says "I once held a penis
Mother superior: go dip your hand in the Holy Water

Suddenly the 4th nun runs p...

What's the difference between a restored church and a bumhole dipped in holy water?

One's a rectified sanctum...

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A man decided to go skinny dipping

He found a secluded pond in the woods and went for a nude swim. Some kids happened by and decided to steal his clothes as a joke and only left his straw hat. When the man finally noticed his clothes were missing, he grabbed his hat, covered the family jewels, and made a run for home. On the way he p...

A traveller reaches a church

It's late at night and he almost collapses at the door. Exhausted, he knocks on the door and is let in by Sister Francine. The Sister calls the others to help and they bring the guy in. He has a heavy trunk that they keep to a side. The night passes and the traveller wakes up in the morning. He is t...

What is a ducks favourite dip for crisps?

Quacemole

what do you call 6.02 X 10^23 atoms of avocado dipping sauce?

one guacamole

A Brilliant Old Man and Skinny Dipping Ladies

Ron an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years, which had a pond in the back. It was suitable to swimming so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as h...

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Apparently 'Viagra' is now available in powder form specially for tea. Well, it's not for enhancing your sexual libido.................

............... But it won't let your dipped biscuit 'Go Soft'

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old woman, was nervous

So he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves:

“Do you know how they make these gloves?” He asked.

“No, I don't.” She replied.

“Well.” He spoofed. “There's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in...

What's Avagodro's favorite type of dip?

GuacaMOLE

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Why didn't Hitler ever order a french dip?

Because he hates au jus.

A serial killer was killing his female victims by drowning them in pancake mix, then dipping them in hot oil. Some of his victims survived.

They're currently being treated at a battered women's shelter.

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde entered into a high-stakes TV culinary contest of the ages...

After the three women finished their cooking procedures, they individually lined up behind the curtain of the main stage and each rolled out a cart with their respective dish. To elaborate, three judges would be grading these women on their cooking capabilities.

When the time came for the pre...

Did you hear about the poet who liked to dip his work in moisturiser?

It was poetry in lotion

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Three men are captured by a group of Cannibals.

The men are tied up and brought before leader of the cannibals. The leader says to the men "My people are hungry, but I will let you make your case. Then I will decide your fate."

The first man, hair slicked back and dressed in an expensive suit, begins, "I am very wealthy, and I have founded...

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I get turned on whenever I eat greek dips...

...I think I'm a hummusexual.

What do robots dip in salsa?

Microchips

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A dip and chip stand

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the custo...

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There’s an old man sitting on his front porch when

A young boy comes walking down the road carrying something, The old man interested says “What you got there son?” The young boy says “I got me some chicken wire.” The old man puzzled says “What you gonna do with that.” The boy says “I’ma catch me some chickens.” The old man chuckles and says “You do...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...

Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his net...

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

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Two guys are invited to a costume party, where the theme is ‘Come as an emotional state’.

They arrive at the party and ring the bell. The host comes out and sees they are completely naked, one with his dick inside a hollowed out pear, and the other with his dick dipped into a bowl of yellow goop.

“Oh my god! What are you supposed to be?” she asks.

The first guy replies “Wel...

What does the Pope dip his chips in?

Holy Guacamole

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Dracula walks into a bar.

Dracula walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender for some hot water. The bartender obliges and asks if he would like anything else to drink. Dracula says "No, thanks". He then pulls out a used tampon and dips it in his hot water. "I'm having tea."

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