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Dip Jokes

What do you call a mummy dipped in chocolate?

Pharaoh Roche

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Anyone here about the guy who dipped his balls in glitter?

Pretty nuts.

Why is it a bad idea to dip your shoes in LSD?

You might trip

A lion notices a monkey by a river, dipping a banana peel into the water

He watches her for a few minutes, as she dips the peel, keeps it under water, and then takes it out, watches the water a bit, repeats. Finally, the lion gives up trying to make sense of the sequence.

"Hey, monkey"

"Hey, lion"

"What in the world are you doing?"

"Ten bucks ...

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Did you hear about the turkey that dipped his nuts in margarine?

They say he had Butterballs.

You go your whole life making a great pumpernickel dip, and then BAM, one day you get 20 people asking for the recipe.

Nobody expects the spinach inquisition.

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4 nuns go to heaven

4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.

St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"

The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."

St...

An elephant and an ape go to a party together. They want to bring some snacks: crackers and dips. Which of them buys the crackers?

The elephant.

Because the ape always buys the dip.

If Spanish explorers had cheese dip

Do you think thy would be called the Con Quesodores?

Is it acceptable to dip bread into a curry?

Asking for my naan.

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A man was on a golf course near Doonbeg Ireland and was about to dip his hand in a lake to take a drink of water when the groundskeeper yelled ...

“Oy! - Dinna peut ya haand en a loch! It’s feeeled wi coo piss n coo shite!”

“Hey” - said the man. "I just bought this golf course and we’re going to have the best groundskeepers. The best. I've been talking about it for a long time, along with many other subjects, frankly. What you just said...

A Nasty Divorce

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feaste...

A friend of mine have been in a wheelchair all his life

Having tried everything available to try and walk he trying to me for help. As a man of religion, the only thing I could consider what’s the take him to Lourdes in France, and try the healing water is there.

As we looked on m, a blind man went into the waters and was dipped, when he came out,...

Many years ago I knew a man who's love for God was matched only by his love of dipping meat into melted cheese.

That's right, he was a Christian fonduementalist.

Why do some kids dip their Oreos in water?

Their dads never came back with the milk...

Did you hear about the guy who invented dip made from garbanzo beans but didn't get any recognition for it?

He was honored posthummusly

The old man's pool

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer d...

Skinny Dipping Boys Checking the Other's Manhood

Two boys were skinny dipping and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the other's manhood, so he asked, "How did you get it so big?" The other boy responded, "Well, I rub it down every night with lard." Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made...

A Turkish farmer, Hodja, goes to the mill to get his wheat ground to flour. While he's waiting in line he starts dipping his hand into the sack of the man in front of him and moving handfulls of wheat to his own sack.

The man turns and catches him: "Hodja! What are you doing stealing my wheat!"

Hodja, embarrassed, starts rolling his eyes and jittering: "Huh? What? I don't even know what I'm doing because I'm just craaaaaazy!"

The man says "if you're so crazy, how come you're only putting my grain in...

A vampire walks into a grocery shop and asks for a bread.

The clerk looks at him and asks: 'Aren't you a vampire?'
The vampire says: 'Yes, I am.'
To that the clerk responds: 'Oh, then I have much better stuff for you than bread. I have bloody sausages, nice fresh liver, duck blood, pork blood - whatever you want!'
The vampire replies: 'No, thank...

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Caught Skinny Dipping

A priest and a rabbi are good friends and one night they get talking about Adam and Eve and the Garden of Eden. The conversation leads them to try skinny dipping and under the light of the moon, they find themselves in swimming in a lake with their clothes hung from a tree. A car pulls up right next...

I just had some cheese dip and got an upset stomach

Turns out it was a bad queso gas.

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a gunslinger walks into a bar.

Low and behold there sits doc holiday. The gunslinger says you're doc holiday you're my hero. Would you mind critiquing my shooting? Doc says ok ... guy whips his pistol out and shoots the cufflink off the piano player. Doc says pretty good, but a true gunslinger can shoot with both hands. Guy pu...

I poisoned my wifes pita dip

The police charged me with hummus-cide

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What do you get if you dip your balls in ice cream?

Brain freeze.

A professor finds a cure for cancer right before falling into a vat of chickpea dip and dying

He was awarded post-hummous-ly

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A homeless guy was caught at a craft store dipping his balls into a bag of glitter

It was pretty nuts.

Bob Ross was out fishing when his pole started to dip.

He reeled in the fish and the fish said, "please don't eat me, can you please throw me back?"

Bob Ross replies, "Woah, a talking fish! I was going to throw you back anyways!"

The fish swims away a bit and then turns back, saying "Now that you let me go, how about a wish?"

Bob Ro...

why were the Sunchips tasked with protecting the dip

Because they were known for garden salsa

Skinny dipping

A farmer heads down to the pond carrying a bucket. As he nears the pond he hears voices. It's a bunch of girls skinny dipping. The girls hear him coming and all head down to the deep end. "We see you!" shouts one of them. "We're not coming out until you've gone". The farmer says "What? You think I'v...

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A Bus Full Of Nuns....

......falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.
St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-...

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When a priest really has to crap, he says "holy shit!". When a priest needs some dip for his chips, he yells "holy guacamole!" What does a priest say when masturbates without any lubrication?

Holy smoke!

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A piano player at a bar has a monkey as a sidekick . . .

. . . who collects tips in a tin can. While the piano player was playing, the monkey squatted over a man's glass and dipped his testicles in the drink.

Infuriated, the man yells at the piano player "Do you know your monkey dipped his balls in my martini ?!!"

The piano player replies "...

What did the teenager say when his friend told him that mexico had liquid cheese used for dipping?

"Kay, so?"

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My friend and I snuck into an empty church one day...

Since nobody was around, I decided to drop my pants and dip my balls in the holy water.

My friend turned to me and said, "is that sacrilegious?"

Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am but skinny dipping is prohibited in this beach "

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"

Security guard :" Well, there is no law about that".

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A blonde and a brunette.

A blonde and a brunette are spending their day off together at the local lake. Since they're alone, they decide to go skinny dipping and enjoy the beautiful weather.

After frolicking around for 30 minutes or so they decide they have had enough fun. Just as they emerge from the water two bu...

What is mRNA's favorite dip?

GUAC

What did god say when Eve went skinny dipping?

Damnit, i'm never getting that smell out of the fish.

Whom did the German philosopher quote when his friend dipped his hand in boiling oil?

Johann Gottfried

I was just taking a dip in the swimming pool when the lifeguard shouted out..

"What have you got there?"



"Hummus", I replied.

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You a...

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My girlfriend and I went skinny dipping in the ocean...

The water was cold and when we got out, she pointed at my penis and started laughing. I had to explain to her what shrinkage was, and that it was not always the same size. After some discussion, she understood the concept and said, “so you’re about 2 inches, on average?”

I replied, “Well, tha...

A joke from my 7 year old... What do you call a man who dips biscuits into his cup of tea?

Duncan

I wanted to go skinny dipping this summer

But at least I went chubby dipping

If a male video game character squats on a downed opponent it's called "Tea Bagging" when a female character does it it's called...

"Clam Dipping"

I swear I’ve had this brand of brothy sandwich dip, before!

Never mind, label says it’s just “Dave’s Au Jus.”

What do you get when you dip a chicken in paint?

A crosswalk.

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What do you call someone who dips their dick in a bowl of Cheerios?

A cereal rapist

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Kiss

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip pri...

Prepare three envelopes

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things...

A woman in Germany is Skinny-Dipping in a lake...

A woman in Germany is skinny dipping in a local lake, when she notices a police officer waving to her from the bank. "Excuse me, Fräulein," he says. "You can't swim in this lake. It's illegal."

Mortified, the woman says, "Couldn't you have told me that before I stripped naked?!"

The of...

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Have I ever dipped my testicles into a beer?

Once, in a Blue Moon.

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Q: Have you heard about the guy who likes to dip his balls in glitter?

A: Yeah, he's Pretty Nuts.

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My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

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Tennessee man accused of dipping testicles in customers salsa.

I'm sure Jerry Lee Lewis wrote a song about that.

What is a Ducks favourite dip?

GUAAAACCC

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I dipped my balls in some 1000 island dressing

because I have depression

Dip Chip Anyone?

A man answers an ad for a sales position. The hiring manager says "We sell toothbrushes. You'll be on a 30 day probationary period. In that time you need to sell at least 100 units on average each week. If you make that goal you'll be hired on full time."

The man agrees and starts work immedi...

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead get in to an elevator at their apartment building.

As the door closes the brunette looks down on the ground and see what appears to be a puddle of cum and says, “Eeeeeeew there cum on the ground!”

The redhead gets on her hands and knees and sniffs it and says, “Yeah it smells like cum!”

The blonde dips her finger in it and tastes it an...

What is Soulja Boy's favorite dip?

Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus

Just kidding, it's whatever they have in prison these days.

What do you call it when you sneeze with a dip (tobacco) in?

An ah chew.

Came up with that myself hope you enjoy.

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<nsfw> Saw 2 guys in hobby lobby dipping their testicles in glitter.

I thought they were pretty nuts.

A couple decided to go skinny dipping in Paris during a cold winter night.

They were In Seine

Someone died eating chickpea dip...

It was ruled a hummuscide.

Spanish doctor works at my hospital. Never wears PPE, never washes his hands. Just dips his fingers in black ink constantly. It's a bit weird, so I ask him how he stays safe and what the ink is for.

He just smiles and says:

"No one infects the Spanish ink physician"

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A fugitive is on the run and dips into a taqueria

He looks around the room and the only other patron is a Hispanic fellow with tats and a bandanna so he figures that the coast is clear and this is a good place to hide out for a while. The fugitive goes up to order some food when out of nowhere he gets tackled to the floor by the other patron! "Who ...

Skinny dipping involves a swimming pool.

Fat dipping involves a ranch cup and chicken nuggets.

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They found a guy in hobby lobby dipping his testicles in the glitter bins

One eye witness was quoted as saying "It was pretty nuts!"

What do you call a Russian raspberry dipped in lighter fluid?

Rasp-butane

What do dj's dip their bread sticks in?

Marin*era-era--*

Two college girls went skinny dipping in a pond

Suddenly a farmer comes over with a bucket and they scream and cover themselves.

"What are you doing, you pervert?!" One of them shouts.

The farmer then pours the bucket of fish into the water.

"Oh don't worry, I'm just here to feed the alligators,"

what do you call 6.02 X 10^23 atoms of avocado dipping sauce?

one guacamole

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Pierre the French fighter pilot was the greatest fighter pilot the world had ever seen.

His skill in a plane was rivaled only by his skill in bed and he had many a fair young thing aching for his love.

On a bright summer day he was picnicking with a young lady in the shade of a willow tree near a lake. They had talked for a while but the woman could wait no longer and she leane...

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A man decided to go skinny dipping

He found a secluded pond in the woods and went for a nude swim. Some kids happened by and decided to steal his clothes as a joke and only left his straw hat. When the man finally noticed his clothes were missing, he grabbed his hat, covered the family jewels, and made a run for home. On the way he p...

If you ever get a splinter, dip it in alcohol.

Whenever my mum had a prick in her hand, she'd put it in cider.

What's Avagodro's favorite type of dip?

GuacaMOLE

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A man walks into a bar.

He sits at the counter and orders a whiskey, neat. As soon as the barman pours his drink, a monkey appears out of nowhere, climbs on the counter and dips his balls into the glass of whiskey.
The man sits there, bewildered, as the monkey storms out of the bar. A few seconds later, he asks the barm...

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In order to tell when I have to get it drained, I have a pole that I dip into my septic tank.

(Shitpost)

My cousin said he "dips his pen into the company ink"

That carries some serious implications on the family farm.

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Pussy Willows

Two old friends hadn’t seen each other in years, because they lived so far away from each other. So they decided to meet in the middle, and take a weekend getaway golf trip.

They hit up a course tucked high up in the rockies, in a valley surrounded by white capped mountains. It was truly som...

Have you heard of the artist that creates beautiful artwork by dipping his girlfriend in paint and dragging her across a canvas?

He always paints with a broad brush.

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Why didn't Hitler ever order a french dip?

Because he hates au jus.

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A dip and chip stand

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the custo...

What is a redneck plumber's favorite dipping sauce?

...wranch

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As t...

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

Dipping your beaks into different coloured paints, eh?

Well, toucans play at that game.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...

Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his net...

I hide all my weed in a dip in the road...

I call it my pothole

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I get turned on whenever I eat greek dips...

...I think I'm a hummusexual.

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A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident

Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.

He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me hi...

Did you hear about the poet who liked to dip his work in moisturiser?

It was poetry in lotion

What does the Pope dip his chips in?

Holy Guacamole

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