A man decided that he wanted to learn how to scuba dive.

He spent weeks getting certified, and hundreds of dollars on all of the top of the line equipment he could get - fins, a wetsuit, a mask, and even a waterproof notebook with a pen that could write underwater.

When he finally got down underwater for the first time, he was surprised to see a m...

Why did Kermit The Frog lift off a manhole cover and dive in?

He was kermitting sewercide.

I found myself at a seedy dive bar last night and after returning from the bathroom, I nearly choked on a shoestring!

I couldn't believe that someone had laced my drink...

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Three men were about to dive off of a magical cliff

The first man told the other two about why it's a magical cliff " they say when you jump off if you yell what you want it will magically appear at the bottom of this cliff, replacing the water."

So the first man jumps off and yells "GOLD!" All of the water turned into gold coins, and the man ...

The 5 “D’s” to surviving Reddit are: Dodge, duck, dip, dive and...

Drepost

My father was an Allied war hero. He single-handedly destroyed 4 Messerschmitts, 9 Heinkel bombers, and 11 Stuka dive bombers.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Why do scuba divers dive backwards to go into the water?

Because if they dived forward, they'd fall in the boat.

How do you say dive in Portuguese?

Neymar

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A man walks into a seedy dive bar in Washington DC.

After letting his eyes adjust to the dimness of the bar, he notices President Trump and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan talking quietly at a corner table.

He orders a beer then walks up to the two and says, "Mr. President, Mr. Ryan, I am a huge fan of yours! What are you guys doing in a sh...

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A guy walks into a dive bar...

And takes a seat at a table. Looking over their menu, he sees it has only three options: Tuna Salad Sandwich $1.50, Chicken Salad Sandwich $4.50 and lastly Hand Job $5.00.

"Wow, what a bargain," he thought to himself, somewhat stunned as a gorgeous blonde approached to take his order. "Are...

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An engineer and a scientist walk into a dive bar....

Smiling, happy, the engineer says, "Bartender, shots for everyone!"

The bartender leans in, confused, "I can tell you're not from around here. Are you sure you want to buy these people drinks?"

The scientist retorts with, "Make 'em doubles!"

The bartender deploys the drinks to e...

Why shouldn't blind people sky dive?

It scares the hell out of their dogs.

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There were two guys at a rooftop bar. The first says "you see this beer in my hand? Three swigs of this can make me fly around this building." He takes three swigs, does a swan dive off the roof and flies around it.

As he settles to the ground the second man exclaimed "I need some of that!" The first man gives him the bottle which he takes three drinks from. The second man does an identical swan dive and falls to his death. The waiter approaches and exclaims, "HOLY CRAP SUPERMAN, WHAT THE HELL!"

The Pope, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf.

The pope crosses himself, blesses the ball, and swings. He drives the ball 600 miles. He bows his head and gives thanks for the amazing drive.


Jesus steps up to take his shot, I holds his hand in the air, creating a tailwind, and takes a swing. He drives the ball 900 miles.


T...

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A monkey is sitting on a riverbank, smoking weed.

A frog, swimming by, gets a whiff and makes a beeline to the shore:

'Hey dude! Mind if I take a puff?'

'Get out of town,' says the monkey. 'You're so small you'll be off your face after the first hit.'

'Oh come on, just a little bit! I've always wanted to try it.'

'Well, ...

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th ...

A man walks into a bar...........

around 9:58 pm. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at the man and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

The man sa...

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2 pieces of black pavement walk into a bar, order 2 beers and sit down at a table.

5 minutes later a green piece of pavement walks in, and as soon as it does the black pieces dive under the table to hide, trembling with fear.

The green pavement has a quick drink and leaves the bar.

The barman approaches the black pavement and asked what the problem is, stating "tha...

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A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy.

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally return...

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic...

The mechanic says “Go get something to eat, this will take a while.”

So the penguin goes to the local ice cream parlor across the street. He orders his ice cream but his flippers can’t hold onto the cone. So he just dives right in.

Ice cream is everywhere.

Afterward, he walks ...

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Heard this some 30-years ago in the Navy...

An Air Force General, Marine General, Army General and a Navy Admiral have a bet on which service has the most balls…



The Marine general grunts, “I’ll solve this right now!” calls for a company of Marines, pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it in the middle shouting, “Grenade!” One...

Why did Trotzky put his plane in a dive?

To stop Stalin'

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Two Whales

A male and a female whale were swimming along the coast of Japan and noticed a whaling ship not too far from them.

The male whale gets angry at the sight of the ship because his father was killed by whalers a few years ago. He decides that he wants payback. He turns to the female whale and...

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A Russian metal worker named Yetzel lives in the countryside.

Every day he does back-breaking work at a factory, pounding metal slabs and preparing them to be sold. He make 2 rubles a month, and goes through many hardships daily, what with barely having enough money to feed his 29 children and provide clothes for them all.

One day, Yetzel goes to the re...

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PIERRE THE FIGHTER PILOT

It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre the fighter pilot and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" He grabs a bottle of merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.


"What are you doing, Pierre?" asks the startled Marie.


"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When...

High noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

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The rabbit(R) is sitting by the lake smoking weed, a beaver(B) is swimming by, sees the rabbit and asks

B: hey, what you got there?
R: oh, this thing is called weed and it does some insane shit. You inhale hold it, swit to the other side and exhale. It makes you feel sooooo goood.
B: lemme try
The rabbit gives him the weed, the beaver does like the rabbit said, comes out the other side of the...

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So there's a forest

And a fly was hovering inside the forest. But a fish was watching the fly and thinking "once that fly goes down 6 inches down. im gonna catch the fly to have myself a really nice meal. " But what he did not realize is that a bear was watching the fish watching the fly and thinking "once that fish ca...

$5 is 5$

A elderly couple are walking down a country road one day and they see a man standing next to a plane with a sign that says "Plane Rides $5"

The old woman looks at her husband and says "Earl, let's go up in the plane"

Earl replies "Ethel $5 is $5, maybe next time."

And on they...

An old man puts on a wetsuit...

He puts on a scuba suit. Once, when he was a boy, his grandfather told him about strawberries; the man himself has never tasted them. In time, the man will tell his own grandson what he has known.

He dives deep into an Olympic sized swimming pool. He sits on the bottom, closes his eyes.
...

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On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.

Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking at the caterpillar and says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this caterpillar. But I'll wait until it has eaten the bud so that I can go and fill my belly!! " and then it waits patiently for the caterpillar to eat the bud.

Watching from another branch, ...

Jesus, Moses, and a Bearded Man are playing golf

Jesus starts the game. He hits the ball as hard as he can and it heads straight towards the lake. However, instead of sinking, the ball rolls on the surface of the water. Jesus walks on the lake, hits the ball, and gets it into the hole.

Next is Moses' turn. He hits the ball as hard as he...

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Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

Guy walks into a bar...

Find out more on the next episode of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.

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Four Officers are standing next to a cliff..

One officer from the Army, Navy, Marines and Air Force.

The Army officer says "we're the toughest, watch this", and tells one of his troops to jump off the cliff. The troop jumps.

The Navy officer says "that's nothing", and tells one of his troops to do a back flip off the cliff. The t...

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There was a man named Ivan, born and raised in the Soviet Union.

From the moment he was born, he lived in oppression and poverty. His rations were meager, his work in the coal mines hard. But one day, he gets a ray of hope, solace from his hardships, when, as he’s driving his Lada from his home to the local coal mine, he sees a sign.

“Swimming Lessons: Imp...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

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The bravest (long joke)

Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members.

"Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young ...

There once was a farmer who loves tractors. He would go into this shop and stare at this beautiful bright red tractor for hours on end.

The manager would come up to him and say “sorry we’re closing” and the farmer would ask for just 10 more minutes to stare at the tractor. The manager would allow it and keep the shop open a little longer to accommodate his obsession.

The next day, the farmer walks in and stares in awe at the ...

A husband and wife attend the same fair every year for 50 years

Every year the husband asks his wife if they can go on the helicopter tour for $50 and she says no, because $50 is $50.

On the 50th year at the fair the husband is arguing with his wife about going on the ride and she gives him the same response: "no, $50 is $50."

This year the pilot ...

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A USMC General, US Army General, USAF General and a Navy Admiral were arguing about which branch has the bravest servicemembers.

The Marine General trying to prove his men and women were the most brave said, “watch this” and commanded a nearby Marine Corporal to shoot himself in the head with his sidearm... the Corporal drew his pistol blew his head off and the Marine General said, “See, the Marines are the bravest.”

T...

An Airbus A380 is on its way across the Atlantic.

It flies consistently at 907 km/h in 35,000 feet, when suddenly a Euro-fighter with Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”



He rol...

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Adam and Eve

Were in the garden of eden and Adam says to Eve “Hey Eve lets go for a swim!” And Eve says “That sounds wonderful!”

So they start running towards the dead sea and God shouts down “No Eve, no Eve NOOOOooooooo!” And Eve dives into the water!

God says: Awe crap now I will never get th...

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo.

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Am...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

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The Magic Swimmingpool

This was a popular joke when I was in elementary school, so I thought I’d share.

A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are on a diving board at a magic swimming pool. They have been told that the water will change into anything they scream while jumping into the pool.

The Dutchman goes fi...

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A woman is walking her dog along the pier

When suddenly the dog slips and falls in to the rough sea below. Distraught, she begins to scream for help as the waves drag the dog deeper and deeper. Out of nowhere a German man dives in, brings it ashore, resuscitates it and the dog gets up as if nothing has happened. The woman, who is incredibly...

Two hunters were walking in the woods...

One of them stops and says, "Whoa, whoa! Watch out for that hole!".

They both stop and look down what appears to be the deepest hole they'd ever seen, right in the ground in front of them.

"How deep is that?", one of them asks the other.

"I dunno, let's throw something down an...

Rich man shenanigans

There was once an extremely wealthy man who was known for his eccentric habits. One fine evening, he sent out an invite to all the young, able-bodied men of his city for a very "special" dinner, promising a grand prize for one lucky soul.

Knowing the rich man's generous nature, a hundred you...

Lady of the Lake

A couple went out for a walk on the river path.

As they stroll along the path, the husband trips over and falls into the lake. Unfortunately, both of them cannot swim, so the wife panicked and cries for help, but no one is around to help her husband. Luckily for the wife, Lady of the Lake see...

Just an inch !

An American, an Afghan and an Frenchman sitting outside a bar, keep arguing about how their country is more advanced. A heated debate between the American and Frenchman continues whilst the Afghan can't seem to beat either of them and seems visibly frustrated.
" Our military is so advanced that ...

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

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A guy was walking along the Potomoc River in Washington . . .

. . . and sees someone struggling in the water. He quickly dives in, swims over, and rescues him. When he gets to shore he realizes he saved Donald Trump!

"You saved my life!" Trump exclaims. "Anything you want, whatever it is, just name it."

"Shit, I don't want anything. Just don't te...

Two guys are lost in the desert.

They wonder around for several days when the first guy stops and starts sniffing the air.

"You smell that...?" He says to his friend, who begins sniffing.

"Is that... bacon?" The friend responds.

"It is! Look!" He points off in the distance to a large plant. "Its a bacon-tree!"<...

You would think with an entire soccer team stuck in a cave....

One of them would have known how to dive

Everyone pees in the pool.

But you do it once from the high dive and you're some sort of monster.

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Have I told you about the time I met the woman with the biggest pussy in the world? NSFW Long

So I’m in this bar minding my own business when a ‘lady of the night’ approaches me and gives me an offer I can’t refuse.

So next thing ya know we’re in the bathroom and she says:

‘I have to warn you, I have a pretty big sausage wallet.”

“Uhhm okay” I reply, wondering what I’v...

A Free Ride

Mark and his wife Marcie went to the State Fair every year. Every year Mark would say, "Marcie, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year Marice would say, "I know, Mark, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This year Mark and Marcie went to the ...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

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Two liars went for a swim.

Now these two were a dad and his son. The dad climbed a boulder and proceeded to dive into the water. He got his foot stuck between some rocks and struggled to release his feet for around 2 minutes before swimming back to the surface.

Son: You were under for quite a while there. What happene...

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3 guys on a cliff

There were 3 guys hanging out by a cliff. A genie appears and tells them that this is a magical cliff. Anyone who jumps off and yells something will land in the thing they yelled.

The first guy doesn't even hesitate. He does a swan dive off the cliff and yells "Car full of hot girls!". Poof! ...

A pizza delivery boy is late on his delivery.

The woman at the door tells him he’s 5 minutes late and that she gets the pizza free. The pizza delivery boy asks her if there is any other way since the pizza will be taken out of his pay! She asks if he knows any jokes. He says he knows one about Sherlock homes. She asks him if he could tell it an...

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Billy's visit to the brothel

A group of young guys were out drinking one night when it was discovered that one of them, young Billy , was a virgin. Well, they decided this wasn’t right, and pooled their money to remedy the situation. They talked him into going outto visit a brothel. So off they go.


Upon entering,...

Two hunters were walking around in the woods around twilight

One of them grabs the other and pulls him back from a 6-foot diameter, perfectly smooth hole.

"You saved my life" says the hunter. "I wonder how far down that hole goes..."

So they find an old anvil and throw it in the hole. As they're listening for the anvil to hit, a goat comes runni...

Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, “HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!”

I replied “Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!”

“Yes, but not from the high dive!”

A man is severely depressed.

Joke:

His wife left him, took the kids and due to all the stress and pressure in his personal life, his work performance took a dive and he was fired. Without a job, he lost his home, his possessions and whatever was left of his dignity and hope. He decided to end his miserable life.

...

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International Police Competition

The UN holds an international police competition at a national park somewhere in Europe. The participating countries are France, Germany, and Turkey. The competition rules are whichever national police team catches a wild rabbit in the forest in the shortest amount of time wins the grand prize.
<...

Brazil have sent star player Neymar to Thailand to help rescue the young footballers in the cave

...they heard they needed someone to teach them how to dive

What’s the difference between Neymar and a Dolphin?

When a dolphin dives he’s fishing for a carp for food on a reef ...
When Neymar dives he’s fishing for a card from a fool of a ref

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Weary man walks into a bar...

Inside it's warm and someone out of sight is playing a piano. The music soothes the man and the weight of the world is totally lifted from his shoulders. It's so soft and lilting he feels like he's bathing in it.

He goes to the barkeep and orders a beer.

"Hey," he says to bartender, "W...

The Bar with the Golden Toilet

A guy is recounting his previous night's drunken adventure to his buddy.

"I'm telling ya man. This is the best bar in the whole city. Every Friday night they have all you can drink specials for $2. And the best part... a sorority house is right next door and the place is just filled with youn...

Put the P in pool

A police officer is on his beat walking past a public pool. A woman runs out of the pool area and shrieks “Officer!! Officer! There’s a man peeing in the pool!”

The cop responds “so what lady, everyone pees in the pool”

She responds, “well not off the high dive!”

A man went swimming one day....

A man wanted to goswimming in the ocean. We walked down to the beach and he saw a fisherman. He asked the fisherman " are there any sharks in the water?" The fisherman said "well obviously, the ocean is huge! But in this particular area, no there are no sharks." The man asks again "you are absolutel...

Three hungry bats...

Three hungry vampire bats are hanging upside down in a tall tower at night, having not eaten anything for several days.
Extremely hungry they look around for something they can drink the blood off.

The first bat, sees something, flies away and returns several minutes later with blood dropp...

2 brothers and a newfie are going ice fishing.

After they load up the truck, the two brothers hop in the front, and the newfie jumps into the back bed of the truck. As they are driving across the ice, the truck breaks through and begins to sink. The first brother opens his door and swims to the surface. As he starts taking his clothes off, the o...

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Upon seeing a big lion, a monkey thinks to himself, “That’s a big lion, if I fuck this lion up the ass, I’ll be the king of the jungle.”

When the lion’s tail goes up, the monkey jumps down and fucks the lion up the ass. The lion wakes up and chases the monkey through the jungle, the monkey dives through a row of trees and lands in the lobby of a big hotel.

He picks up a newspaper and covers his face as if to read it. The lion...

Two men are walking down the street when they notice an enormous hole

The hole appears bottomless and the men, being men, want to see how deep it is. They find an anvil near by, grab a side each, shuffle over to the hole and chuck it in. The anvil drops like a stone but makes absolutely no noise. The men look at each other with a puzzled expression. Suddenly they hear...

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A Pakistani soldier

was telling his friends about his training and first Sky dive with US Air Force

"When I got to the door of the plane and looked down 20,000 feet below, I froze and couldn't jump."

"So the 6'6" tall African-American instructor unzipped his fly and dropped out his 12 inch dick and said, ...

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A man walks into a bar

and orders a beer. The bartender goes to serve him his beer, but says: "Here's your beer, but you better drink that fast, because the black knight is coming soon.". The man doesn't take note and slowly drinks his beer. When finished, he orders a new beer. The bartender again: "Alright, but this time...

Old airforce joke

A C-130 is being escorted by an F-16. The fighter pilot gets bored, pushes the engine and does some stunts. He loops, dives, does a few barrel rolls and has some fun.
He radioes the C-130 pilot: "How was that? Cool, huh?" C-130 pilot radioes back: "That was nothing. I can do something with my be...

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A man goes to a brothel.

A man goes to a brothel. Broke, he ask for their cheapest pricing. The madam respond, "there's a girl who will go for $30."

The man opens his wallet, revealing just a couple dusty coins. Reluctantly he says, "Any cheaper?"

"Well there is... just one. It might not be the best but she ...

Definition of a good date

Three female room mates come back from three different dates, the first two arrived at the same time, both with miserable looks on their faces. They asked each other how their dates were.

"Terrible," said the first, "he wouldn't stop talking about himself. I nearly fell asleep in my meal."...

Two guys are hiking in the woods...

...and they come upon a big hole in the ground.

One of them grabs a rock and drops it and they wait and they wait and they wait and they never hear it hit the ground. So they go over to a big boulder and roll it over to the hole and shove it over the edge. And wait and wait and wait and they ...

Hard to title: a man walks into a bar

A man walks into a dive. On the edge of the bar, he sees a man maybe a foot tall playing a small piano. He is impressed and orders a beer from the bartender. Upon receiving the drink, he asks the bartender, "Hey, where did you find this guy?"

"Oh, as it turns out, someone couldn't pay their t...

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