What do underwater animals smoke

Seaweed

(Ba-dum crash)

SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym.

It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"

What do you call a dog underwater?

A Scooby diver


*My seven year old asked me to post this here.

I’ve got a pen that can write underwater...

It can write other words too.

What's the head of the underwater mafia called?

The Codfather.

So I started this new underwater band-project

I hope you guys like aquapella!

Who eats at underwater restaurants?

Scuba diners.

My new pen is amazing. It writes UNDERWATER.

Among other words.

Bought a really nice pen today. It can write underwater and in space....

and many other fine words .

Did you know that there are more airplanes underwater

...than submarines in the sky?

My God will save me

Just to start off, this joke was considered blasphemy by a devout Christian. Sorry if it offends you for whatever reason.

John was on the roof of his house as the city was flooding.

A raft stops by and ask the man, "Hey, jump into the raft. The entire city is flooded and you're going t...

Did you hear about the underwater bar for mythical sea mammals?

It served no real porpoise

Alleged record holder has managed to stay underwater holding his breath for 27 minutes

His funeral is on friday

Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal.

Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.

Two fish were having a race underwater when one of them hits a wall. What does the other fish say?

Dam

When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived in that situation

Almost died watching Finding Nemo

I've bought an underwater craft in a bright green colour.

It's sublime!

I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

How many hours did it take Pewdiepie to find his dog in the underwater cave?

Sven.

When should you be afraid of an underwater plant?

When it’s anemone

What do you call an underwater labor camp?

Glug Glug Gulag

My wife and I were on a cruise.

"This watch I bought," she said, "can go 200 metres underwater."



I took it off her wrist and chucked it into the ocean.



"Nonsense," I replied, pointing, "you can see it's still floating."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man decides to join the US Marine Corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the Sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flies past him out of cont...

In the early 1900s, there were a number of deaths caused by people putting themselves in and trying to escape risky situations such as being handcuffed underwater etc. People blamed Harry Houdini, but I don't think he was really responsible...

...he was just the escape G.O.A.T.

What do you call a dog bred to stay underwater for a long period of time?

A sub-woofer

Why did the student look underwater for square and cube numbers?

They’re indices

Why do Flounder, Sebastian, Ursula, Flotsom, Jetsom, and King Triton all live underwater?

Because if the lived on land, there would be the possibility of an Ariel attack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call hitler when he’s swimming underwater?

ADOLFin

I tried and failed to make an underwater breathing machine in Minecraft.

I just conduit.

My friend was showing off about his new watch that survives up to 500m underwater...

Turns out he couldn’t

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

I managed to achieve my personal best yesterday of holding my breath underwater for an incredible 8 minutes and 42 seconds!

It all started at my local swimming pool when a woman shouted out to her husband, "That's him, over there!"

I almost bought a pen because it wrote underwater, but the biggest selling point for me was...

It wrote thousands of other words!

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How do two tiger sharks mate?

I don’t know. They’re fucking underwater

I like to hold my breath whenever a character goes underwater in a movie. That way I know if I'd survive if I were that character.

I was rushed to the E.R after Finding Nemo

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A man walking through the forest decides to cross a stream

He takes off his pants so they don't get wet and starts to walk

He almost gets to the other side when a hand grabs him by the balls underwater and a voice says

"plus 2 or minus 2?"

The man thinks for a moment and says "plus 2"

When he gets ashore and looks down he sees th...

If The Godfather was based underwater

Don Corleone would have been played by Marlin Brando

What news does an underwater welder pay the most attention to?

Current events.

It is a myth that you cannot breathe underwater

You can breathe out, just not in.

A fish goes into an underwater psychologist's office...

"You've got to help me, doc," the fish says. "I've never been so upset."

The psychologist - who can somehow speak and survive in the ocean - adjusts his glasses and tries to project a welcoming demeanor. "Well, I'll certainly do what I can," he says, "but first, I'll need to hear about your p...

You hear about the Egyptian who insisted that he could breath underwater?

He was forever in De-Nile

I was forcibly held underwater, made to consume human flesh, and drank human blood all before puberty.

man Christianity has some weird traditions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump, Putin and Merkel are standing on the shore

Trump starts to boast how the new US Submarines can stay underwater for 6 months. Putin chimes in how their new Subs are capable of more than 9.
After a short pause they look at Merkel. But she just turns to the sea. A Submarine is slowly emerging. A hatch opens and a man in uniform salutes and ...

A drunk is stumbling home from a bar early one morning when he comes to the rear of a queue.

Due to his inebriation and certain biological necessities he assumes it is a line for the toilet. Little does he know a preacher is baptising people in a river, as a crowd of friends and family watches on. The drunk comes to the front of the queue and the preacher shakes him by the collar, saying:...

Why do blonds have schools underwater.

Because deep down, they're not so stupid.

TIL that the U.S. almost declared war against Russia by thinking that an allied underwater warship on their radar belonged to Russia...

Oops...wrong sub

What's fast and can breathe underwater?

Not a toddler, I can tell you that

I asked my brother how long he could hold his breath underwater for.

I'm amazed. It's been three hours and he's still going.

A clownfish swims into an underwater ocean bar.

If you're reading this, you've been in a coma for almost 10 years now. We're trying a new technique. We don't know where this message will end up in your dream, but we hope we're getting through.

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A guy is fording a swamp.

He's chest-deep in the water and has already crossed a half of the swamp when suddenly something grabs him by the scrotum underwater. The guy stops dead, not knowing what to do. He hears a voice from underwater:

"Plus two or minus two?"

The guy thinks: "okay, I don't know what he's tal...

One day, not too far off, Florida will be an entirely Blue state.

With the sea level rising, it'll be underwater.

My GPA is underwater

I Guess you could say it's below C-level

What do you call an underwater adventure with a Great Dane?

Scooby-Diving

Putin, Trump, and Merkel are taking a walk on the beach

Trumps looks out on Ocean and says: "You know, we have Submarines that can sty underwater for 3 Months. "

Putin replies : "Pah, thats nothing! Our subs can stay underwater for half a year."

Merkel wants to say something, but then a Submarine dives up on the Beach. A guy jumps out and y...

What do you fire from underwater guns?

Seashells

Underwater Test Scores

Father: How were your test scores, son?


Son: Underwater, Dad.


Father: What do you mean underwater?


Son: You know, below C level.

Donald Trump says US should let China keep seized underwater drone

oops wrong sub

Who was the first underwater spy?

James Pond.

A drunken man stumbles upon a baptism in the River Jordan

The priest is standing there, dunking people's heads underwater,and when they emerged he would ask if they'd found Jesus.

The drunk wanders down to the river to join in, and when it gets to his turn, the priest dunks his head under the water. when he gets back up, he asks the man if he had f...

What do you call a horse that has very good vision underwater?

A seehorse.

Three Ducks Go to Heaven

Okay, three ducks die and go to heaven. Gabriel is at the gate and he tells the ducks, "Tell me, honestly, how you died, and I'll let you into heaven."
So the first duck goes, "Well, my name's Quack and I was watching my friend blow bubbles underwater when a jet ski came by and hit me in the head...

The Submarine Party

To boost morale, a submarine captain decides to hold a party for the seamen while underwater. Given the tight space, they setup various areas throughout the boat to serve the crew. Despite the long lines at each area, the party is going well, with everyone happily eating and drinking.

About m...

While having an all-out war with underwater warships, I accidentally hit one of my teammates.

Oops wrong sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey is sitting on a riverbank, smoking weed.

A frog, swimming by, gets a whiff and makes a beeline to the shore:

'Hey dude! Mind if I take a puff?'

'Get out of town,' says the monkey. 'You're so small you'll be off your face after the first hit.'

'Oh come on, just a little bit! I've always wanted to try it.'

'Well, ...

A Man walks down to the lake and sees people being baptised in the lake

He was never baptised and wanted to see what it was all about, so he asked the priest if he could be baptised and the priest said sure.

The Priest ducks the mans head underwater and says “Did you see Jesus?” “No” replied the man

He ducks the mans head under again “Did you see Jesus?” A...

What do you call a snorkel that thinks it is a scuba suit?

Self
Proclaimed
Underwater
Breathing
Aparatus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman visits Africa and heads to a bar

Whilst enjoying a beer, he hears two African blokes having a discussion that goes back and forth repetitively:

African bloke 1: "No, it is woom! W-O-O-M!"

African bloke 2: "No, it is womb! W-O-M-B!"

After a few minutes, the Englishman heads over to their table and interjects....

An amputee woman was having a drink in a bar...

...when a man comes up and asks about her missing leg.

"Oh, it's really quite an amazing story," she said. "I used to love surfing! I rode waves all day and all night, rain or shine. One morning, after just an hour or so of surfing, a great white shark came and knocked me right off the bo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a robbery in a jewelry shop, but when the police arrive, the thief has escaped

One agent says to another:

"If we do not arrest anyone the boss is going to get angry"

The other agent looks around and sees a drunk man sleeping in a corner, and says:

"Well, we take that drunk and we say it was him"

They take him to the police station, where they inter...

How long can a frog hold its breath underwater?

Until it croaks...

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines are the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-ou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump, Putin and Merkel...

...take a nice walk along the shore. Putin is boasting: "Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two weeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty impressive, eh?"

Trump obviously can't leave it at that, so he tells Putin: "America has submarines, and other stuff too, I'...

Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.


A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacua...

How do you drown a blonde?

You tell her she can breath underwater

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends are fishing when a crocodile comes ashore and grants them three wishes...

The first friend says "I wish I could catch a huge marlin"

The crocodile swims away for a moment, then comes back.
The friend then pulls in a massive marlin.

"Amazing!" Says the second friend "Well you know what? I wish I were rich"

The crocodile then swims underwater and fet...

A man decided that he wanted to learn how to scuba dive.

He spent weeks getting certified, and hundreds of dollars on all of the top of the line equipment he could get - fins, a wetsuit, a mask, and even a waterproof notebook with a pen that could write underwater.

When he finally got down underwater for the first time, he was surprised to see a m...

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