What do you call a dog that can breathe underwater?

A Scooby diver

What do you call a person who has been underwater for 1 hour?

Dead.

SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know TUBA is also an acronym? Yeah really. It stands for Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

Compliments of Hank Green

I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

Who do you call the underwater seaspy?

James Pond

What's the head of the underwater mafia called?

The Codfather.

So I started this new underwater band-project

I hope you guys like aquapella!

Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables?

They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

What do you call an underwater town made up of multi-ethnic scuba instructors?

diversity

I have an excellent pen. It writes underwater.

It writes other words too very well.

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What kind of bird can write underwater?

A ballpoint *pen*guin

What do you call Barbie underwater?

Doll Fin.

I have a pen that can write underwater.

Friend: Wow really?!

Me: Yep. It can write other words, too.

Who eats at underwater restaurants?

Scuba diners.

Alleged record holder has managed to stay underwater holding his breath for 27 minutes

His funeral is on friday

Underwater Birth

My wife and I decided to have an underwater child birth. The Dr. said birth in a pool would be less traumatic for the baby.

In hindsight, I don't think we would do it again. It seemed very chaotic as everyone was screaming, pushing, and splashing water as they tried to get out of the pool.

Did you hear about that kid that failed his exams whilst underwater

All his grade were below C level

Bought a really nice pen today. It can write underwater and in space....

and many other fine words .

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An Engineering Joke.

Putin, Biden and Merkel are sitting on a beach after a summit and argue who's country has the best engineers. Putin says: " We make submarine run underwater for 5 five years. No contact to surface." Biden says: "Thats nothing. Ours run for ten years without resurfacing." Merkel just smiles. In this ...

A Punny Punderwater Joke

What do you call an underwater citrus?



Sublime.

Did you know that there are more airplanes underwater

...than submarines in the sky?

Two fish were having a race underwater when one of them hits a wall. What does the other fish say?

Dam

When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived in that situation

Almost died watching Finding Nemo

I like people like I like my tea.

In a bag....underwater

Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal.

Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.

How many hours did it take Pewdiepie to find his dog in the underwater cave?

Sven.

What do you call an underwater labor camp?

Glug Glug Gulag

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

I've bought an underwater craft in a bright green colour.

It's sublime!

When should you be afraid of an underwater plant?

When it’s anemone

In the early 1900s, there were a number of deaths caused by people putting themselves in and trying to escape risky situations such as being handcuffed underwater etc. People blamed Harry Houdini, but I don't think he was really responsible...

...he was just the escape G.O.A.T.

What do you call a dog that is underwater?

A sub-woofer!

Thank you, I'll be here all day.

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What do you call hitler when he’s swimming underwater?

ADOLFin

I almost bought a pen because it wrote underwater, but the biggest selling point for me was...

It wrote thousands of other words!

Why did the student look underwater for square and cube numbers?

They’re indices

A blind man visit Texas....

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels bed, “wow this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas” says the bellhop
The man heads downstairs to the bar sits on a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands, “wow these drinks are big.”
“Everything is big in Texas” ...

I like to hold my breath whenever a character goes underwater in a movie. That way I know if I'd survive if I were that character.

I was rushed to the E.R after Finding Nemo

I was forcibly held underwater, made to consume human flesh, and drank human blood all before puberty.

man Christianity has some weird traditions.

Why do Flounder, Sebastian, Ursula, Flotsom, Jetsom, and King Triton all live underwater?

Because if the lived on land, there would be the possibility of an Ariel attack.

My friend was showing off about his new watch that survives up to 500m underwater...

Turns out he couldn’t

A fish goes into an underwater psychologist's office...

"You've got to help me, doc," the fish says. "I've never been so upset."

The psychologist - who can somehow speak and survive in the ocean - adjusts his glasses and tries to project a welcoming demeanor. "Well, I'll certainly do what I can," he says, "but first, I'll need to hear about your p...

I tried and failed to make an underwater breathing machine in Minecraft.

I just conduit.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar

They all begin discussing their own churches and synagogue. As the night goes on, they drink more and more, and the discussion starts to turn competitive. Each starts to boast about how eloquent they are, and how great they are at converting non believers. Eventually, the bartender gets sick of it. ...

I managed to achieve my personal best yesterday of holding my breath underwater for an incredible 8 minutes and 42 seconds!

It all started at my local swimming pool when a woman shouted out to her husband, "That's him, over there!"

Why do blonds have schools underwater.

Because deep down, they're not so stupid.

What do you call a dog bred to stay underwater for a long period of time?

A sub-woofer

If The Godfather was based underwater

Don Corleone would have been played by Marlin Brando

What's fast and can breathe underwater?

Not a toddler, I can tell you that

TIL that the U.S. almost declared war against Russia by thinking that an allied underwater warship on their radar belonged to Russia...

Oops...wrong sub

You hear about the Egyptian who insisted that he could breath underwater?

He was forever in De-Nile

I asked my brother how long he could hold his breath underwater for.

I'm amazed. It's been three hours and he's still going.

What news does an underwater welder pay the most attention to?

Current events.

An Aligator and a Monkey meet by the river. The monkey is smoking something.

Aligator: Hey, what have you got there?

Monkey: I've got some of that good stuff man, it's that OG kush everyone's been talking about, you'll take one puff and you're gone! I'm telling you!

Aligator: Nah, mate,that's bull, lemme try some tho.

Aligator pulls once, nothing. Twice....

A clownfish swims into an underwater ocean bar.

If you're reading this, you've been in a coma for almost 10 years now. We're trying a new technique. We don't know where this message will end up in your dream, but we hope we're getting through.

Rising sea levels have lowered the value of my home.

Now my mortgage is underwater.

What do you call an underwater adventure with a Great Dane?

Scooby-Diving

My GPA is underwater

I Guess you could say it's below C-level

Who is the best underwater Transformer?

Octopus Prime!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy with 4 penises who can breathe underwater?

Aquatic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

Underwater Test Scores

Father: How were your test scores, son?


Son: Underwater, Dad.


Father: What do you mean underwater?


Son: You know, below C level.

My God will save me

Just to start off, this joke was considered blasphemy by a devout Christian. Sorry if it offends you for whatever reason.

John was on the roof of his house as the city was flooding.

A raft stops by and ask the man, "Hey, jump into the raft. The entire city is flooded and you're going t...

What do you call an underwater ride sharing service?

Scüber!

My wife and I were on a cruise.

"This watch I bought," she said, "can go 200 metres underwater."



I took it off her wrist and chucked it into the ocean.



"Nonsense," I replied, pointing, "you can see it's still floating."

Donald Trump says US should let China keep seized underwater drone

oops wrong sub

What do you call a horse that has very good vision underwater?

A seehorse.

I give frequent lectures about informative and interesting topics underwater.

For academic porpoises.

While having an all-out war with underwater warships, I accidentally hit one of my teammates.

Oops wrong sub.

How long can a frog hold its breath underwater?

Until it croaks...

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A guy is fording a swamp.

He's chest-deep in the water and has already crossed a half of the swamp when suddenly something grabs him by the scrotum underwater. The guy stops dead, not knowing what to do. He hears a voice from underwater:

"Plus two or minus two?"

The guy thinks: "okay, I don't know what he's tal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do two tiger sharks mate?

I don’t know. They’re fucking underwater

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A man walking through the forest decides to cross a stream

He takes off his pants so they don't get wet and starts to walk

He almost gets to the other side when a hand grabs him by the balls underwater and a voice says

"plus 2 or minus 2?"

The man thinks for a moment and says "plus 2"

When he gets ashore and looks down he sees th...

One day, not too far off, Florida will be an entirely Blue state.

With the sea level rising, it'll be underwater.

Three Ducks Go to Heaven

Okay, three ducks die and go to heaven. Gabriel is at the gate and he tells the ducks, "Tell me, honestly, how you died, and I'll let you into heaven."
So the first duck goes, "Well, my name's Quack and I was watching my friend blow bubbles underwater when a jet ski came by and hit me in the head...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump, Putin and Merkel...

...take a nice walk along the shore. Putin is boasting: "Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two weeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty impressive, eh?"

Trump obviously can't leave it at that, so he tells Putin: "America has submarines, and other stuff too, I'...

Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.


A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacua...

Putin, Trump, and Merkel are taking a walk on the beach

Trumps looks out on Ocean and says: "You know, we have Submarines that can sty underwater for 3 Months. "

Putin replies : "Pah, thats nothing! Our subs can stay underwater for half a year."

Merkel wants to say something, but then a Submarine dives up on the Beach. A guy jumps out and y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends are fishing when a crocodile comes ashore and grants them three wishes...

The first friend says "I wish I could catch a huge marlin"

The crocodile swims away for a moment, then comes back.
The friend then pulls in a massive marlin.

"Amazing!" Says the second friend "Well you know what? I wish I were rich"

The crocodile then swims underwater and fet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump, Putin and Merkel are standing on the shore

Trump starts to boast how the new US Submarines can stay underwater for 6 months. Putin chimes in how their new Subs are capable of more than 9.
After a short pause they look at Merkel. But she just turns to the sea. A Submarine is slowly emerging. A hatch opens and a man in uniform salutes and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines are the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-ou...

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

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