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Underwater Jokes

What's the head of the underwater mafia called?

The Codfather.

What kind of dog can stay underwater for a long time?

A subwoofer

I am sad. My friend said Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in a hole in the ground underwater...

I knew he meant well.

I invented a pen that can write underwater

And it writes a lot of other words, too!

When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would've survived in that situation.

I almost died during finding nemo

Who is the best underwater Transformer?

Octopus Prime!

An iguana can stay underwater for up to 28 minutes

Or longer, if you don't mind it dying

Why shouldn't subs go underwater?

Because the bread gets soggy

What do you call an underwater Dunken Donuts?

Sunken Donuts

So I started this new underwater band-project

I hope you guys like aquapella!

SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym.

It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

I like people as I like my tea...

In a bag...

And underwater

My friends tried to take me to an underwater tavern but I declined.

I hate dive bars.

What do you call Barbie underwater?

Doll Fin.

Who eats at underwater restaurants?

Scuba diners.

What do you call a person who has been underwater for 1 hour?

Dead.

I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

What do you call a great dane who hunts ghosts underwater?

Scuba Doo

Underwater Birth

My wife and I decided to have an underwater child birth. The Dr. said birth in a pool would be less traumatic for the baby.

In hindsight, I don't think we would do it again. It seemed very chaotic as everyone was screaming, pushing, and splashing water as they tried to get out of the pool.

Who do you call the underwater seaspy?

James Pond

Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables?

They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

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What kind of bird can write underwater?

A ballpoint *pen*guin

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What do you call someone with a fetish for underwater projectiles?

A torpedophile!

Bought a really nice pen today. It can write underwater and in space....

and many other fine words .

My grades in school were underwater...

Below C level.

Why do blonds have schools underwater.

Because deep down, they're not so stupid.

What do you call a dog that is underwater?

A sub-woofer!

Thank you, I'll be here all day.

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

Did you know that there are more airplanes underwater

...than submarines in the sky?

What do you call an underwater labor camp?

Glug Glug Gulag

When should you be afraid of an underwater plant?

When it’s anemone

What do you call an underwater town made up of multi-ethnic scuba instructors?

diversity

My GPA is underwater

I Guess you could say it's below C-level

A fish goes into an underwater psychologist's office...

"You've got to help me, doc," the fish says. "I've never been so upset."

The psychologist - who can somehow speak and survive in the ocean - adjusts his glasses and tries to project a welcoming demeanor. "Well, I'll certainly do what I can," he says, "but first, I'll need to hear about your p...

Underwater Test Scores

Father: How were your test scores, son?


Son: Underwater, Dad.


Father: What do you mean underwater?


Son: You know, below C level.

I play guitar underwater

To drown my solos.

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What do you call hitler when he’s swimming underwater?

ADOLFin

I've bought an underwater craft in a bright green colour.

It's sublime!

Alleged record holder has managed to stay underwater holding his breath for 27 minutes

His funeral is on friday

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Trump, Putin and Merkel...

...take a nice walk along the shore. Putin is boasting: "Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two weeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty impressive, eh?"

Trump obviously can't leave it at that, so he tells Putin: "America has submarines, and other stuff too, I'...

What do you call someone who’s spent all day underwater?

Dead

A clownfish swims into an underwater ocean bar.

If you're reading this, you've been in a coma for almost 10 years now. We're trying a new technique. We don't know where this message will end up in your dream, but we hope we're getting through.

Why did the student look underwater for square and cube numbers?

They’re indices

I almost bought a pen because it wrote underwater, but the biggest selling point for me was...

It wrote thousands of other words!

I told a joke about the Oceangate submersible today, and someone told me it was too dark.

To which I replied, “Well, yeah…it’s two-and-a-half miles underwater.”

How many hours did it take Pewdiepie to find his dog in the underwater cave?

Sven.

Why do Flounder, Sebastian, Ursula, Flotsom, Jetsom, and King Triton all live underwater?

Because if the lived on land, there would be the possibility of an Ariel attack.

I tried and failed to make an underwater breathing machine in Minecraft.

I just conduit.

I was forcibly held underwater, made to consume human flesh, and drank human blood all before puberty.

man Christianity has some weird traditions.

Two fish were having a race underwater when one of them hits a wall. What does the other fish say?

Dam

What's fast and can breathe underwater?

Not a toddler, I can tell you that

What news does an underwater welder pay the most attention to?

Current events.

My friend was showing off about his new watch that survives up to 500m underwater...

Turns out he couldn’t

You hear about the Egyptian who insisted that he could breath underwater?

He was forever in De-Nile

I asked my brother how long he could hold his breath underwater for.

I'm amazed. It's been three hours and he's still going.

Donald Trump says US should let China keep seized underwater drone

oops wrong sub

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

What do you call a horse that has very good vision underwater?

A seehorse.

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Three friends are fishing when a crocodile comes ashore and grants them three wishes...

The first friend says "I wish I could catch a huge marlin"

The crocodile swims away for a moment, then comes back.
The friend then pulls in a massive marlin.

"Amazing!" Says the second friend "Well you know what? I wish I were rich"

The crocodile then swims underwater and fet...

Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal.

Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.

(An old, lame joke) A physicist, a chemist and a biologist visit a beach.

They were bored sitting empty, so they decided to perform some experiments.

The physicist says, "I'm gonna measure the depth of the sea." He proceeds to dive into the sea, but goes too deep. He gets crushed by the underwater pressure, drowns and dies.

The biologist says, "I'm gonna dis...

I like to hold my breath whenever a character goes underwater in a movie. That way I know if I'd survive if I were that character.

I was rushed to the E.R after Finding Nemo

How long can a frog hold its breath underwater?

Until it croaks...

I managed to achieve my personal best yesterday of holding my breath underwater for an incredible 8 minutes and 42 seconds!

It all started at my local swimming pool when a woman shouted out to her husband, "That's him, over there!"

Three Ducks Were Swimming & Playing Near The Shore Of A Lake

A man approaches, and asks the first duck what his name is and what he is doing. The duck replies "My name is Raymond, and I'm going underwater and blowing bubbles!" The man asks the same of the second duck, and gets the response "My name is Nandy and I'm going underwater and blowing bubbles!" He as...

My dad's take on 35 years of marriage.

Me: "Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?"

Dad: "Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..."

Mom: "Awww!"

Dad: "...Underwater."

An amputee woman was having a drink in a bar...

...when a man comes up and asks about her missing leg.

"Oh, it's really quite an amazing story," she said. "I used to love surfing! I rode waves all day and all night, rain or shine. One morning, after just an hour or so of surfing, a great white shark came and knocked me right off the bo...

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A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines are the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-ou...

In the early 1900s, there were a number of deaths caused by people putting themselves in and trying to escape risky situations such as being handcuffed underwater etc. People blamed Harry Houdini, but I don't think he was really responsible...

...he was just the escape G.O.A.T.

In Siberia, at the edge of the sea, a fisherman is going about his business. Suddenly, an American submarine emerges from the water.

The lid on top opens and a sailor comes out. For a while he observes the surroundings with binoculars, then he shouts: "Set course to north-north-east!" He crawls back in, slams the lid closed and the boat disappears underwater.

The man stares in awe at the now still water and when he comes b...

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A guy is fording a swamp.

He's chest-deep in the water and has already crossed a half of the swamp when suddenly something grabs him by the scrotum underwater. The guy stops dead, not knowing what to do. He hears a voice from underwater:

"Plus two or minus two?"

The guy thinks: "okay, I don't know what he's tal...

TIL that the U.S. almost declared war against Russia by thinking that an allied underwater warship on their radar belonged to Russia...

Oops...wrong sub

While having an all-out war with underwater warships, I accidentally hit one of my teammates.

Oops wrong sub.

Society is full of double standards

For example, when Ariel from The Little Mermaid swims around half naked, singing with her underwater friends, people say that she is "sweet" and "beautiful"

But when I do it, people say that I'm "drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium".

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A Russian captain and an American captain debate which country builds the best submarines...

They are standing at a harbor and they've been arguing for hours. The American says "Our subs have such efficient air filter systems that they can stay underwater for months at a time".

The Russian replies:"A few months? Laughsble. Our Russian subs have such advanced air filters that they ca...

Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.


A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacua...

A math teacher invented something.

A math teacher invented the worlds first underwater bulldozer.

He called it his 'Sub-tractor.'

Putin, Trump, and Merkel are taking a walk on the beach

Trumps looks out on Ocean and says: "You know, we have Submarines that can sty underwater for 3 Months. "

Putin replies : "Pah, thats nothing! Our subs can stay underwater for half a year."

Merkel wants to say something, but then a Submarine dives up on the Beach. A guy jumps out and y...

A Punny Punderwater Joke

What do you call an underwater citrus?



Sublime.

A drunken man stumbles upon a baptism in the River Jordan

The priest is standing there, dunking people's heads underwater,and when they emerged he would ask if they'd found Jesus.

The drunk wanders down to the river to join in, and when it gets to his turn, the priest dunks his head under the water. when he gets back up, he asks the man if he had f...

Rising sea levels have lowered the value of my home.

Now my mortgage is underwater.

A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines...

A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines and how long they can stay underwater.

The British captain starts off saying: "Our submarines can stay underwater for 6 months before having to resurface!".

The American replies: "Pff, that's nothing....

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An Engineering Joke.

Putin, Biden and Merkel are sitting on a beach after a summit and argue who's country has the best engineers. Putin says: " We make submarine run underwater for 5 five years. No contact to surface." Biden says: "Thats nothing. Ours run for ten years without resurfacing." Merkel just smiles. In this ...

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are driving in a truck.

On one cold icy day a blonde, brunette and a red head decide to take a drive.

The brunette as the best driver in icy conditions decides to drive. The red head decides to ride passenger because she keeps the best eye out. The blonde decides to ride in the bed of the truck because she’s dress...

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How do two tiger sharks mate?

I don’t know. They’re fucking underwater

An Aligator and a Monkey meet by the river. The monkey is smoking something.

Aligator: Hey, what have you got there?

Monkey: I've got some of that good stuff man, it's that OG kush everyone's been talking about, you'll take one puff and you're gone! I'm telling you!

Aligator: Nah, mate,that's bull, lemme try some tho.

Aligator pulls once, nothing. Twice....

A blind man visit Texas....

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels bed, “wow this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas” says the bellhop
The man heads downstairs to the bar sits on a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands, “wow these drinks are big.”
“Everything is big in Texas” ...

One day, not too far off, Florida will be an entirely Blue state.

With the sea level rising, it'll be underwater.

A father and Little Johnny went fishing one day.

A father and Little Johnny went fishing one day.
After a couple of hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father,
“How does this boat float?”
The father thought for a moment, then replied,
“Don’t rightly know, son.” T
he boy ...

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Trump, Putin, and Merkel are walking along a waterfront

Trump says, "American submarines are the best. The best, let me tell you. They can stay underwater for two weeks, okay. Two weeks. When anybody asks me who builds the best submarines, I say America. Nobody builds better submarines than us."

Putin says, "That is good, Donald, but I'm afraid Ru...

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