UPJOKE
oceanseaearthaquaticlakesubmergedpondwaterscuba divingsubmarinesurfaceriversonarfishhuman

What do you call a dog that can breathe underwater?

A Scooby diver

I got kicked out of astronaut training for joking around too much in the underwater simulation course.

They said I didn’t appreciate the gravity of the situation.

What do you call a person who has been underwater for 1 hour?

Dead.

Why shouldn't subs go underwater?

Because the bread gets soggy

What's the head of the underwater mafia called?

The Codfather.

My friends tried to take me to an underwater tavern but I declined.

I hate dive bars.

Three Ducks Were Swimming & Playing Near The Shore Of A Lake

A man approaches, and asks the first duck what his name is and what he is doing. The duck replies "My name is Raymond, and I'm going underwater and blowing bubbles!" The man asks the same of the second duck, and gets the response "My name is Nandy and I'm going underwater and blowing bubbles!" He as...

What do you call Barbie underwater?

Doll Fin.

So I started this new underwater band-project

I hope you guys like aquapella!

SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym.

It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"

I have a pen that can write underwater

It can write other words too

Why do sharks eat underwater internet cables?

They were advised to have more fiber in their diet.

(An old, lame joke) A physicist, a chemist and a biologist visit a beach.

They were bored sitting empty, so they decided to perform some experiments.

The physicist says, "I'm gonna measure the depth of the sea." He proceeds to dive into the sea, but goes too deep. He gets crushed by the underwater pressure, drowns and dies.

The biologist says, "I'm gonna dis...

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What kind of bird can write underwater?

A ballpoint *pen*guin

What do you call an underwater Dunken Donuts?

Sunken Donuts

Who do you call the underwater seaspy?

James Pond

What do you call an underwater town made up of multi-ethnic scuba instructors?

diversity

Bought a really nice pen today. It can write underwater and in space....

and many other fine words .

Holy duck.

There were 3 ducks floating on a lake, a thunder storm came up, and lighting stuck and killed them, so there souls arrived at the golden gates of duck heaven. At the front of the gates sat ol' duck St. Peter. He looked down at these 3 and asked the first one to step forward, state his name and hone...

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

My grades in school were underwater...

Below C level.

Did you know that there are more airplanes underwater

...than submarines in the sky?

Alleged record holder has managed to stay underwater holding his breath for 27 minutes

His funeral is on friday

Two fish were having a race underwater when one of them hits a wall. What does the other fish say?

Dam

When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived in that situation

Almost died watching Finding Nemo

Who eats at underwater restaurants?

Scuba diners.

Underwater Birth

My wife and I decided to have an underwater child birth. The Dr. said birth in a pool would be less traumatic for the baby.

In hindsight, I don't think we would do it again. It seemed very chaotic as everyone was screaming, pushing, and splashing water as they tried to get out of the pool.

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A drunk man is walking through the park at night...

when he sees a small, dark figure in the distance. He is curious, and gets closer and sees a small person with his back to him. He touches the small man on his shoulder to turn and identify the person and is shocked...

"I can't believe what I am seeing! This has to be my lucky day! Are you.....

Three former sorority sisters meet up for a reunion homecoming game and start talking about life has treated them since college.

The first says that she couldn't be happier. She married a man who owns a Mercedes Benz car dealership. They live in a beautiful home, she drives whatever new Mercedes that strikes her fancy, and they are living a life of luxury.

The second mentions that her husband was just a councilman in t...

A father and Little Johnny went fishing one day.

A father and Little Johnny went fishing one day.
After a couple of hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him.
He asked his father,
“How does this boat float?”
The father thought for a moment, then replied,
“Don’t rightly know, son.” T
he boy ...

What do you call a dog that is underwater?

A sub-woofer!

Thank you, I'll be here all day.

How many hours did it take Pewdiepie to find his dog in the underwater cave?

Sven.

I almost bought a pen because it wrote underwater, but the biggest selling point for me was...

It wrote thousands of other words!

I like to hold my breath whenever a character goes underwater in a movie. That way I know if I'd survive if I were that character.

I was rushed to the E.R after Finding Nemo

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What do you call hitler when he’s swimming underwater?

ADOLFin

I used to build vessels for the US Navy

I had just arrived at my a new assignment, a typical underwater craft that was partially constructed in a special facility underground.

My first job of the day was to install markers along the starboard side of the vessel at 5 meter intervals.

The markers were metal posts that must be...

I've bought an underwater craft in a bright green colour.

It's sublime!

I was forcibly held underwater, made to consume human flesh, and drank human blood all before puberty.

man Christianity has some weird traditions.

When should you be afraid of an underwater plant?

When it’s anemone

In the early 1900s, there were a number of deaths caused by people putting themselves in and trying to escape risky situations such as being handcuffed underwater etc. People blamed Harry Houdini, but I don't think he was really responsible...

...he was just the escape G.O.A.T.

Little known fact: after their supposed death, Pierre and Marie Curie went on to become successful underwater assassins using a certain heavy metal.

Hundreds of people died of mer-Curie poisoning.

Why did the student look underwater for square and cube numbers?

They’re indices

A fish goes into an underwater psychologist's office...

"You've got to help me, doc," the fish says. "I've never been so upset."

The psychologist - who can somehow speak and survive in the ocean - adjusts his glasses and tries to project a welcoming demeanor. "Well, I'll certainly do what I can," he says, "but first, I'll need to hear about your p...

Why do Flounder, Sebastian, Ursula, Flotsom, Jetsom, and King Triton all live underwater?

Because if the lived on land, there would be the possibility of an Ariel attack.

Why do blonds have schools underwater.

Because deep down, they're not so stupid.

My friend was showing off about his new watch that survives up to 500m underwater...

Turns out he couldn’t

What's fast and can breathe underwater?

Not a toddler, I can tell you that

If The Godfather was based underwater

Don Corleone would have been played by Marlin Brando

I managed to achieve my personal best yesterday of holding my breath underwater for an incredible 8 minutes and 42 seconds!

It all started at my local swimming pool when a woman shouted out to her husband, "That's him, over there!"

TIL that the U.S. almost declared war against Russia by thinking that an allied underwater warship on their radar belonged to Russia...

Oops...wrong sub

I asked my brother how long he could hold his breath underwater for.

I'm amazed. It's been three hours and he's still going.

I tried and failed to make an underwater breathing machine in Minecraft.

I just conduit.

A clownfish swims into an underwater ocean bar.

If you're reading this, you've been in a coma for almost 10 years now. We're trying a new technique. We don't know where this message will end up in your dream, but we hope we're getting through.

You hear about the Egyptian who insisted that he could breath underwater?

He was forever in De-Nile

What do you call an underwater adventure with a Great Dane?

Scooby-Diving

Who is the best underwater Transformer?

Octopus Prime!

What news does an underwater welder pay the most attention to?

Current events.

My GPA is underwater

I Guess you could say it's below C-level

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What do you call a guy with 4 penises who can breathe underwater?

Aquatic.

Underwater Test Scores

Father: How were your test scores, son?


Son: Underwater, Dad.


Father: What do you mean underwater?


Son: You know, below C level.

Donald Trump says US should let China keep seized underwater drone

oops wrong sub

What do you call a horse that has very good vision underwater?

A seehorse.

I play guitar underwater

To drown my solos.

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

What do you call an underwater ride sharing service?

Scüber!

I like people like I like my tea.

In a bag....underwater

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An Engineering Joke.

Putin, Biden and Merkel are sitting on a beach after a summit and argue who's country has the best engineers. Putin says: " We make submarine run underwater for 5 five years. No contact to surface." Biden says: "Thats nothing. Ours run for ten years without resurfacing." Merkel just smiles. In this ...

While having an all-out war with underwater warships, I accidentally hit one of my teammates.

Oops wrong sub.

A Punny Punderwater Joke

What do you call an underwater citrus?



Sublime.

How long can a frog hold its breath underwater?

Until it croaks...

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar

They all begin discussing their own churches and synagogue. As the night goes on, they drink more and more, and the discussion starts to turn competitive. Each starts to boast about how eloquent they are, and how great they are at converting non believers. Eventually, the bartender gets sick of it. ...

My God will save me

Just to start off, this joke was considered blasphemy by a devout Christian. Sorry if it offends you for whatever reason.

John was on the roof of his house as the city was flooding.

A raft stops by and ask the man, "Hey, jump into the raft. The entire city is flooded and you're going t...

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Three friends are fishing when a crocodile comes ashore and grants them three wishes...

The first friend says "I wish I could catch a huge marlin"

The crocodile swims away for a moment, then comes back.
The friend then pulls in a massive marlin.

"Amazing!" Says the second friend "Well you know what? I wish I were rich"

The crocodile then swims underwater and fet...

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A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines are the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-ou...

A blind man visit Texas....

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels bed, “wow this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas” says the bellhop
The man heads downstairs to the bar sits on a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands, “wow these drinks are big.”
“Everything is big in Texas” ...

Rising sea levels have lowered the value of my home.

Now my mortgage is underwater.

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Trump, Putin and Merkel...

...take a nice walk along the shore. Putin is boasting: "Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two weeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty impressive, eh?"

Trump obviously can't leave it at that, so he tells Putin: "America has submarines, and other stuff too, I'...

Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.


A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacua...

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A guy is fording a swamp.

He's chest-deep in the water and has already crossed a half of the swamp when suddenly something grabs him by the scrotum underwater. The guy stops dead, not knowing what to do. He hears a voice from underwater:

"Plus two or minus two?"

The guy thinks: "okay, I don't know what he's tal...

An Aligator and a Monkey meet by the river. The monkey is smoking something.

Aligator: Hey, what have you got there?

Monkey: I've got some of that good stuff man, it's that OG kush everyone's been talking about, you'll take one puff and you're gone! I'm telling you!

Aligator: Nah, mate,that's bull, lemme try some tho.

Aligator pulls once, nothing. Twice....

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

Three Ducks Go to Heaven

Okay, three ducks die and go to heaven. Gabriel is at the gate and he tells the ducks, "Tell me, honestly, how you died, and I'll let you into heaven."
So the first duck goes, "Well, my name's Quack and I was watching my friend blow bubbles underwater when a jet ski came by and hit me in the head...

One day, not too far off, Florida will be an entirely Blue state.

With the sea level rising, it'll be underwater.

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I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

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