Thought I’d try translating a joke. Two foreigners are sailing to America for work.

Upon getting off the boat at the dock, one notices a hotdog stand. Sure, it sounds weird to them but they decide to try it.

As one unwraps the foil, he blushes and asks, “Which part of the dog did you get?”

It's fine to be enthusiastic about sailing...

Just don't go overboard

Have you ever had the privilege of sailing across the North Atlantic Sea?

Neither has the Titanic.

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It has been mentioned that when cruises start sailing again, the buffets will all be staffed with servers instead of just serving yourself.

The saddest job will be the person who has to push the buttons on the pop dispenser.   Why?   Because it is "soda pressing".


I will see myself out.

A ship sailing past a remote island spots a man who had been stranded there for several years.

The captain goes to shore and notices three huts.

“What’s the first hut for? “ He asks?

“That’s my house” says the castaway.

“ what’s the second hut for?”

“That’s my church.”

“And the third?”

“Oh, that? That’s the church I used to go to.”

What does a sailing redditor tie up his boat to ?

A mooring repost, of course.

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I could not resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologsied to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

Building yachts

I made a sailing boat in my attic/loft. Sales have gone through the roof

I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.

I thought, "Thats the biggest wave I’ve ever seen."

How do you know if you'll like sailing?

Put on a thick yellow raincoat, and stuff it with hundred dollar bills. Step into the shower, turn it on full blast and it's coldest temperature, and just start stuffing those bills down the drain. If you've managed to somehow enjoy yourself doing this, you might just be crazy enough to enjoy sailin...

The Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Cap...

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A pirate walks into a bar (long)

The bartender says, "Jeez matey, you look terrible."

The pirate replied, "Yar, what do ya mean?"

"Well for one thing, you have a peg leg. What happened to your leg? " Says the bar tender.

"Well me and the crew were sailing out to see and the ship was attacked by a Kraken. The mi...

An ocean liner is sailing in the North Atlantic and hits an iceberg.

As the ship is sinking, one crewman runs to the ship’s captain and tells him to open the root beer caskets in the ship’s hold.

The captain is confused but has no other options, so he orders all of the ship’s root beer caskets cut open. The root beer floods the hold and the ship slowly stops s...

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A grammar nazi pirate is sailing his ship getting ready to attack an enemy ship...

when one of his men comes up to him and hollers:

*"The cannons be ready, Captain!"*

The Captain looks at him and says:

*"Arrrrrrrrrre"*

Last night, I dreamt that I was sailing in a sea of soda.

I wish I could go back to that Fanta sea.

So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...

... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships c...

Why do pirates avoid sailing in shallow water?

With only one eye, they have terrible depth perception.

Moses, Jesus, and another guy are playing golf. (Possibly Rule 2)

They're on the 18th hole and their scores are all tied. Moses is first to tee.

He cracks the ball off the tee, sending it sailing towards the water hazard just before the green. Seeing this, he raises his club in the air, parting his hands. The water in the hazard seperates down the middle, t...

3 sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them,

"You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins...

How long would you be sailing if you were to sail 220 yards at a speed of one nautical mile an hour?

Knot furlong.

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A man joins the crew of a sailing ship.

After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?"

The others direct him to a large barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the d...

A US Ship was sailing through dense fog when it sees another light....

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again...

Olympic Results for Sailing are out:

The British have taken the Gold medal.

The French have taken the Silver medal.

The Somalians have taken the boats.

What do you call a group of guys, sailing the sea, singing about looting and stealing?

21 pirates.

Why did the nun go to confession after sailing?

The boat was full of seamen.

My wife didn't finish her Morse code lessons before going sailing.

She seems to alright though she keeps sending me messages to send her an SMS but I haven't got a reply yet.

A group of men are out sailing when they decide to see what the chef is cooking for dinner.

They walk in and, being that he doesn’t have a rolling pin, see him flattening biscuits with his armpit.

“That’s disgusting!” One guy says to the other.

“Yeah, well you should see how he makes donuts!”

A ship was sailing in the middle of the ocean....

A storm was developing in the distance. As the storm raged, the captain realised the ship was sinking fast.

He called out loud, "Anyone here knows how to pray?"

A man proudly raised his hand and came forward, "Aye Captain, I know how to pray."

The Captain replied, "Great, you ke...

A cruise ship is sailing in the Caribbean..

The cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with an eyepatch running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him...

Some pirates are sailing off the coast of Madagascar

The captain points to the shore and says to his first mate:

"Do you see those crazy looking lemur things?"

To which the first mate replied:

"Aye aye, I eye aye-aye"

A pirate ship is sailing in the ocean when an enemy ship approaches...

"Captain, an enemy ship approaches!" A crew member shouted from the crow's nest.

The captain turned to his first mate and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate, somewhat confused, ran to the captain's quarters and brought the captain his red shirt. They battled the enemy ship and won....

An American is sailing in German waters when his boat starts to take in lots of water.

Realizing he won't be able to make it to shore, he calls the German Coast Guard.

"I'm sinking, I am sinking!"

The operator replies "Vhat are you sinking about?"

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The lecture

A man who is a member of a gentleman's club in London is asked to give a lecture. He can choose any topic he wants. The man readily agrees.
Later that day he asks his friend what he should talk about that night. His friend replies " Talk about sex, old boy. Everyone loves to hear about it".
...

A mysterious force drug a pirate ship closer to the Bermuda Triangle, alarming the captain.

The captain asked the lookout in the the crow's nest what he saw.

The lookout replied, "Captain, we be sailing tangent to stormy seas. It be a sine the secant be good."

The captain responded, "Aye, the sea put this here crew in a triggy situation."

Our sailing trip in Maine was going great...

until we were capsized by Augusta wind.

Olympic Sailing results are in!

Denmark have taken gold

Finland have taken silver

Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise

Q: You're sailing on a boat with a pack of cigarettes, but do not have a fire source, what do?

A: Throw one overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Pirates are sailing when...

... in the distance 2 ships are spotted, all the pirates are called to man their stations and prepare for battle. The captain tells his trusty shipmate to get his red vest. The ship is damaged but the battle against the two ships is won. After the battle the captain's mate says to him, "why dd you a...

A guide and a tourist are sailing past the coast...

They sail past a few sights and the guide gives some backstory on these.

Eventually they sail past a man and a woman making a ruckus in the bushes. The guide is embarrassed and says: "These people are just cycling."

The tourist grabs an oar and throws it at the guy's head.

The g...

An English navy ship is sailing off the coast of Germany...

When the ship runs into a giant boulder underwater and starts sinking.

The captain quickly gets on the radio and says "Mayday mayday. This is the English navy we are sinking. I repeat we are sinking." With no response from the German navy base.

After numerous attempts they finally he...

For as long as I can remember, I've had a thing about pigeons.

I think they're fascinating creatures, robust, hardy birds that thrive the world over yet can live on just breadcrumbs and worms.

It was 'pigeon this' and 'pigeon that' as a child, my mom used to joke that I'd BE a pigeon if I could.

It was a bit of a struggle maintaining relationsh...

An admiral is sailing a ship...

and ahead of him, spots an incoming light. He radios the light, commanding, "Turn 10 degrees South to avoid a collision course." The radio squawked, "No, you are to turn 10 degrees South." This exchange happens about 3 or 4 more times until finally, the admiral yells into the radio, saying, "Do you ...

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

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Jesus and Moses are golfing in a threesome.

Moses tees off first and uncorks a high sailing slice. The ball plops into the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, Moses walks to the edge of the lake, raises his club, and the waters part. Moses chips onto the green.

Jesus tees off next. He blades a worm-burner that heads for the lake, skipping ...

Bob was a fierce pirate captain...

Bob owned a 1 cannon ship and every day, he went out and fought with this boat. One day, he came across a different 1 cannon ship. He said "Mate, fetch me my red shirt." His mate returned with his red shirt. Bob put the shirt on, started firing, and won. He went sailing the next day and this day, he...

Whats the best profession to have for dating?

Arctic sailing, since its always handy for icebreakers.

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In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

Here's my favorite pirate joke:

When I was 17, I went on a class trip to a beach but I snuck away to explore on my own. I went into this bar. It had nautical stuff on the wall, a bunch of shark jaws, but also streamers and balloons about the place. It looked like there was a party going on. ...

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