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A married couple are sailing with a young tour guide.

There's a sudden storm and the boat gets destroyed. Luckily, all three of them survive and manage to swim towards a small island.

Once they've caught their breath, the tour guide speaks. "Let's take turns keeping watch for any ships that come by for help. I'll climb up that palm tree and keep...

Olympic sailing competition just finished. France got the gold, South Africa got the silver, and ...

Somalia got the boat.

Somalia swept the Olympic sailing podium

They earned gold, silver, and bronze despite starting the event with one entry

A ship, sailing past an island, finds a man there who had become stranded alone years earlier. The commander disembarks to rescue the man and sees three huts.

"What's that first hut there?", he asks.
"Oh, that's my house", replies the castaway.
"What about that second hut there?"
"That's my church."
"And what about the third one over there?"
"That?", replies the man, disdainfully. "That's the church I used to go to."

Thought I’d try translating a joke. Two foreigners are sailing to America for work.

Upon getting off the boat at the dock, one notices a hotdog stand. Sure, it sounds weird to them but they decide to try it.

As one unwraps the foil, he blushes and asks, “Which part of the dog did you get?”

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor

After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned forty in July) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"<...

Have you ever had the privilege of sailing across the North Atlantic Sea?

Neither has the Titanic.

How do you know if you'll like sailing?

Put on a thick yellow raincoat, and stuff it with hundred dollar bills. Step into the shower, turn it on full blast and it's coldest temperature, and just start stuffing those bills down the drain. If you've managed to somehow enjoy yourself doing this, you might just be crazy enough to enjoy sailin...

The 2020 sailing expo was insane!!

It was mast hysteria

Why don’t the Jedi have a navy?

Because sailing is a path to the dockside.

Mr. Johnson decided to go yachting one day, when he became lost.

After being out at sea for three days, Mr. Johnson looked up and saw a huge cruise ship sailing towards him. The enormous ship halted next to the yacht.

"Thank goodness you showed up!" shouted Mr. Johnson. "I've been lost for three days."

The captain looked down from the ship and said,...

It's fine to be enthusiastic about sailing...

Just don't go overboard

I always thought sailing around under thunderclouds was not desirable

But apparently this weather is foreboating

I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.

I thought, "Thats the biggest wave I’ve ever seen."

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A grammar nazi pirate is sailing his ship getting ready to attack an enemy ship...

when one of his men comes up to him and hollers:

*"The cannons be ready, Captain!"*

The Captain looks at him and says:

*"Arrrrrrrrrre"*

An ocean liner is sailing in the North Atlantic and hits an iceberg.

As the ship is sinking, one crewman runs to the ship’s captain and tells him to open the root beer caskets in the ship’s hold.

The captain is confused but has no other options, so he orders all of the ship’s root beer caskets cut open. The root beer floods the hold and the ship slowly stops s...

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It has been mentioned that when cruises start sailing again, the buffets will all be staffed with servers instead of just serving yourself.

The saddest job will be the person who has to push the buttons on the pop dispenser.   Why?   Because it is "soda pressing".


I will see myself out.

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Dirty Whale joke

A male and female whale were swimming in an ocean. They noticed a whaling ship sailing nearby. The male whale told the female whale: "This is the same ship that was used to kill my dad."

Then he proceeded to say: "I have a plan. Let's swim right below the ship, and use our blowholes at once. ...

Olympic Results for Sailing are out:

The British have taken the Gold medal.

The French have taken the Silver medal.

The Somalians have taken the boats.

A US Ship was sailing through dense fog when it sees another light....

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again...

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I almost got arrested on my way to a Pistons game

I recently moved to Michigan because of my new job. It was a step up from my previous dead-end one and of course, more pay meant more work which is why I try to enjoy the little free time that I have.

Being a huge NBA fan, I decided to catch a Pistons game at the Little Caesar's Arena. Howev...

Got this one from a coworker the other day.

There was once this great pirate captain who refused to lose any battles no matter the cost. He would give up anything to secure victory in battle.

One day while sailing the open ocean he and his crew encounter an two enemy ships so he yells to his first mate “get me my red shirt!” So the fi...

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves ...

Long ago,

when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.

As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate: 'Bring me my red shirt!'

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which t...

So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...

... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships...

Why do pirates avoid sailing in shallow water?

With only one eye, they have terrible depth perception.

My wife didn't finish her Morse code lessons before going sailing.

She seems to alright though she keeps sending me messages to send her an SMS but I haven't got a reply yet.

How long would you be sailing if you were to sail 220 yards at a speed of one nautical mile an hour?

Knot furlong.

A cruise ship is sailing in the Caribbean..

The cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with an eyepatch running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him...

3 sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them,

"You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins...

Last night, I dreamt that I was sailing in a sea of soda.

I wish I could go back to that Fanta sea.

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A man joins the crew of a sailing ship.

After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do about sex around here?"

The others direct him to a large barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the d...

A group of men are out sailing when they decide to see what the chef is cooking for dinner.

They walk in and, being that he doesn’t have a rolling pin, see him flattening biscuits with his armpit.

“That’s disgusting!” One guy says to the other.

“Yeah, well you should see how he makes donuts!”

A ship was sailing in the middle of the ocean....

A storm was developing in the distance. As the storm raged, the captain realised the ship was sinking fast.

He called out loud, "Anyone here knows how to pray?"

A man proudly raised his hand and came forward, "Aye Captain, I know how to pray."

The Captain replied, "Great, you ke...

What do you call a group of guys, sailing the sea, singing about looting and stealing?

21 pirates.

Some pirates are sailing off the coast of Madagascar

The captain points to the shore and says to his first mate:

"Do you see those crazy looking lemur things?"

To which the first mate replied:

"Aye aye, I eye aye-aye"

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La Tonga (NSFW)

Once upon a time there were two explorers, John Smith and James errmm..Smith ,doing what they did best....exploring. After 2 weeks of sailing they came to shore on what looked like a deserted island.

Hopping off, they eagerly went on a trek through the beautiful tropical forest before them. ...

Was talking to a friend about sailing

And he said today is going to be 15 knots, I replied “that’s probably enough to tie a boat down”

Olympic Sailing results are in!

Denmark have taken gold

Finland have taken silver

Somalia have taken a middle aged couple who were on a worldwide cruise

A pirate ship is sailing in the ocean when an enemy ship approaches...

"Captain, an enemy ship approaches!" A crew member shouted from the crow's nest.

The captain turned to his first mate and said, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate, somewhat confused, ran to the captain's quarters and brought the captain his red shirt. They battled the enemy ship and won....

Why did the nun go to confession after sailing?

The boat was full of seamen.

An American is sailing in German waters when his boat starts to take in lots of water.

Realizing he won't be able to make it to shore, he calls the German Coast Guard.

"I'm sinking, I am sinking!"

The operator replies "Vhat are you sinking about?"

Q: You're sailing on a boat with a pack of cigarettes, but do not have a fire source, what do?

A: Throw one overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Our sailing trip in Maine was going great...

until we were capsized by Augusta wind.

The Somalian Olympics team has just apologised

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologsied to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events!!

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A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew.

A new Swabbie joins a Pirate's crew. He goes to the Captain's quarters and meets the Pirate Captain. He's a grizzled man with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch.

Swabbie: Ahoy Captain, it's looks like you've had quite the history.

Cpt: Aye, I've been sailing these seven seas sinc...

An English navy ship is sailing off the coast of Germany...

When the ship runs into a giant boulder underwater and starts sinking.

The captain quickly gets on the radio and says "Mayday mayday. This is the English navy we are sinking. I repeat we are sinking." With no response from the German navy base.

After numerous attempts they finally he...

A guide and a tourist are sailing past the coast...

They sail past a few sights and the guide gives some backstory on these.

Eventually they sail past a man and a woman making a ruckus in the bushes. The guide is embarrassed and says: "These people are just cycling."

The tourist grabs an oar and throws it at the guy's head.

The g...

An admiral is sailing a ship...

and ahead of him, spots an incoming light. He radios the light, commanding, "Turn 10 degrees South to avoid a collision course." The radio squawked, "No, you are to turn 10 degrees South." This exchange happens about 3 or 4 more times until finally, the admiral yells into the radio, saying, "Do you ...

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

Building yachts

I made a sailing boat in my attic/loft. Sales have gone through the roof

Pirates are sailing when...

... in the distance 2 ships are spotted, all the pirates are called to man their stations and prepare for battle. The captain tells his trusty shipmate to get his red vest. The ship is damaged but the battle against the two ships is won. After the battle the captain's mate says to him, "why dd you a...

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