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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

Why do golf announcers whisper?

Because they don’t want to wake up the people watching.

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A couple is golfing on a golf course when their ball flies out of the course and smashes right through the window of an old mansion.

Shocked, the couple hastes to the old mansion and knock on the door.

A mysterious voice from within the mansion calls the couple to enter.

The couple enters the mansion and in the hallway they see an old man standing next to the broken window and a broken chinese vase with their golfba...

Two men are playing a round of golf when they get stuck behind two women.

Eventually one of the men walks over to ask if they can play through. He scuttles back and says, "When I got closer, I realized it was my wife and mistress; You go and ask them instead."
The other one walks over to the women but hurries back and says, "Small world."

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A man was teaching his wife golf...

The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.

Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.....

A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

"Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"Why don't you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I'll help you get the car...

I was playing Golf with my girlfriend. She was stung by a bee, between the 1st and 2nd hole.

I told her, her stance was too wide.

Two men are playing golf.

One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.  

His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feel...

A priest and a nun are playing miniature golf.

The priest lines up a ten-footer, hits the ball, and it swerves right of the hole. He yells, “Dammit, I missed!

”The nun recoils in shock. “Father, language!”

“I’m sorry, Sister Margaret, please forgive my cursing.”

They get to the second hole. The priest is only 3 feet away fro...

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A priest and his friend are golfing.

The priest is ahead because his friend keeps missing easy putts. He watches in amusement as his friend misses another two-footer.

"Goddamnit! Missed! These just won't drop today," says the friend.

"Now, now, Jon," the priest said. "You shouldn't don't take the Lord's name in vain."
...

A woman runs into the clubhouse on a golf course, breathless.

“Help... I’ve been stung by a bee...” she gasps.

“Where did this happen?” asks the pro drinking at the bar.

“Between the first and second holes,” she replies.

“Clearly madam, your stance is too wide.”

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A Little Dirty Golf Joke For All You Fellow Golfers Out There (NSFW)?

Was unsure if this joke would qualify as “NSFW” so I specified any just in case.
Also, I’m sure someone at some point has posted this joke (or a version of it) before but it’s too good to not share.


So one day 3 of the boys go out for a nice sunny day of golf. They get paired up with...

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Man Killed On Golf Course

A foursome of men waited at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting in front of them--taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and missed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another ...

[Since we are telling old golf jokes] A man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and he has to go to a nearby farm ...

The farmer says he'd be happy to fix the car, but it will take three days. The man is welcome to stay with the farmer and his nine beautiful daughters, but since he doesn't trust the man, he has to sleep with the chickens.

The next day, the farmer asks how the man slept and the man says, "we...

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There was once a man who LOVED golf

There once was a man who loved golf. Once each year he would save up for an all expenses paid golf vacation on a resort Island.

This year he met a beautiful woman. and they hit it off immediately, playing golf all day, and wonderful sex all night.

At the end of the 2 weeks at the resor...

Why does Trump like mini-golf?

Because mini-strokes are common.

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There was once a rabbi who loved to play golf.

He loved it so much he could not bear not to play for more than a few days and was beggining to get addicted.

One year, on Yom Kippur - the day of atonement and the holiest of all high Jewish holidays, the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and ...

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

A man is out golfing with a few buddies...

From across the way, the group sees a funeral going on at the church. As the procession goes by, the man takes off his hat and pauses the play for a few moments to pay his respects.

Later in the day, one of his buddies mentions how nice and respectful the man was. The man responds,

"W...

A man takes the day off to play golf

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,

'Ribbit, 9 Iron.'
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears,

'Ribbit, 9 Iron.'
He looks at the frog and decides to prove t...

Jesus is playing golf with Moses as his caddy.

They get to a par 3, but there is a small pond between them and the hole. Jesus asks, “what should I use?” Moses responds, “Arnold Palmer can hit with a 9 iron, but you should use a 7.” Jesus days, “If Arnold can do it, I can do it.” He tees up and hits the ball into the water. He sends Moses t...

There was a couple celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary by having a round of golf together as was their weekly custom since they had met.

The husband was set to tee off as his wife was waiting for her turn in the cart.

"You know honey?" the husband said. "I have a confessions to make. Years ago, after we were first married, i had an affair. It did not last long but i never told you and i wanted to tell you now."

His wif...

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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help eas...

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A man is golfing and gets a call from his mother-in-law...

“Steve! Thank God! Sharon’s been in a terrible accident! She’s at the hospital! Drop what you’re doing and get right down there!”

“Oh my God! My poor wife!”

He gets ready to leave and thinks- “I’m on the 17th green and 4 shots under par. She’s really in the best hands. I’ll hurry up ...

A man invites his friend to a game of golf.

His friend declines, but says, 'Take my horse, he's phenomenal.'

The man laughs, but does so anyway, if only to see a horse golf. To his surprise, the horse does amazingly, getting an Eagle or better on every hole.

The man returns to his friend, astonished. 'I can't believe it!', he sa...

What’s the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife?

Saying ”nice shot” 147 times

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The hitman on the golf course (Slightly NSFW)

Three friends (whom we'll call Bill, Fred and Joe) are playing a round of golf when a stranger walks up to them and asks if he can join them.

They agree and discover that the man is a friendly type and they all get chatting. Eventually they all get talking about their jobs and the man reveals...

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A nun plays golf and takes the Lord's name in vain

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?"


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with ...

A young couple are enjoying a round of golf when the wife slices a shot off the tee

The ball smashes through a window of a house at the edge of the course.

The husband says "we'd better go and apologise"

As they approach the house, the front door is open so they call out. A voice responds "hello" from upstairs.

They head upstairs where they find a man sitting o...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt....

A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.

He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!"

St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?"

God says, "Yep."

Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle...

A woman was golfing and got stung by a bee.

She was severely allergic to bee stings so she went to the doctor right away. She said “doc, I was on the course when I got stung”. The doctor asked her where she got stung, and she told him, between the first and second hole. The doctor replied, “ it sounds like your stance is too wide”.

Life is a little bit like golf.

You want to finish with as few strokes as possible.

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Two guys want to share a golf cart

Pro: Sorry, because of Covid19 you can't share a cart unless you're cohabitating.

Customer points to friend; Well, I'm fucking his wife.

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A grandfather, father, and son are paired with a very attractive woman for a round of golf

The three are amazed to find that this woman is an amazing golfer. She outplays them on almost every hold, and come up to the 18th green at 1 over par with a 20ft Birdie putt. She tells the three guys

"Alright, this is the first time I've ever had a chance at shooting par. Whoever correctly h...

A Priest, a Nun, and a Rabbi Are Playing Golf

The priest goes up to putt his ball. He putts and misses the hole.
“Goddammit, I missed!” the priest says.
The nun is taken aback. “Father, please watch your language.”
“I’m sorry, sister”, the priest replies.
The next hole comes and the priest putts again, and once again misses.
“Go...

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Golf joke

Golfer decides to have a drink after a solo round of golf and heads in to the clubhouse.

Golfer [panting]: “I'm spent. I just played 18 holes.”

Gay bartender: “Amateur.”

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A Round Of Golf

While On A Business Trip, A Man Arrives At His Hotel Early And Decides To Take In A Round Of Golf...
While On The Front 9, An Attractive Woman Approaches Him Asking If He Knows What Hole She Is On???
He Say's Well I Am On The 8TH You Must Be On The 9TH
The Woman Thanks Him And Moves On......

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.



Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they p...

Trump has spent about twenty percentage of his days in office playing golf.

(Me, an Asian)
If I spent that much time playing golf, my GPA would go down to a...—————
*takes out calculator*————
*quick math*————
*puts it back*———
98.1. My GPA would go down to a 98.1.
Yeah, schools aren’t that good.

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God and Jesus go golfing

God and Jesus go out to play a round of golf. Their first hole is a par 3 and Jesus tees off first. He hits a great shot and the ball lands just a few feet shy of the hole. God goes next and hits a shot that goes 15 feet. All of a sudden a squirrel runs out and grabs the ball and starts running away...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing together

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes...

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Golf Lessons

A lady decided she wanted to spend more time with her golf nut husband. Smartly she went directly to the club pro seeking advice. He took her to the range and told her to hit a ball so he could assess her swing. She did and the ball went 10 feet out in front of her. He suggested she adjust her stanc...

A regular golf course member is going for her regular solo 7:00am tee-off.

She makes a good putt to save par on the first green. As she walks along the long grass going to the second tee, she startles a wasp, and it stings her. Annoyed, but not wanting the event to ruin her day, she finishes her round.

When she gets to the clubhouse, she runs into the club pro....

A man goes into confession on his way home from the gold course

Forgive me Father I have sinned.

*Tell me what happened son*

Well, I used the Lords name in vain. I was out golfing this morning and hit the most beautiful drive of my life, straight as an arrow, it must've carried 300 yards, right down the middle of the fairway.

*So you got a l...

Two guys out playing golf. One is about to take his shot when he sees a funeral procession go by.

He stops, takes his hat off and bows his head until the procession passes. He puts his hat back on and gets ready to take his shot when his partner stops him and says, "Hang on. I just gotta say I've never seen anyone do that on the links before, that was really touching."

1st guy replies, "W...

What do you call a wizard that can turn himself into a golf club?

Harry Putter

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage just for fun.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke,
“Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all...

What does Necrophilia and mini golf have in common?

18 holes

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A newly married woman is distressed to find out her new husband plays so much golf...

My husband is on the links every day, she confides with her neighbor, I feel so neglected at times, Why don’t you learn to golf so you can be with your husband every day? the neighbor advises, yes that’s a great idea,
Next day she goes to the club to look for a woman pro, after finding one she’s...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

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I used to be a prostitute at a Mexican golf resort.

They called me hole in Juan.

Woman: They just turned the local cemetery into a golf course...

Man: Well, someone's going to be six under!

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf

They reach a pond of water.

Moses smacks the ball over the water, and raises his staff. Suddenly, the waters part and his ball rolls to the green.

Then, Jesus hits the ball toward the water. He closes his eyes in prayer and the ball rolls on the surface of the water all the way to th...

Why Does Trump Love Golf?

...because there’s bunkers!

Why do you use a cart to golf instead of a car?

Because you'll need a tee

Wait...what?

Two men are playing golf, and there are two ladies playing in front of them.

The ladies are taking forever...really playing slow. The men are getting impatient.

After about three holes of this, one guy says, “This is ridiculous”. “Get in the cart and go tell them to let us play thr...

A lottery winner celebrates by buying himself a Rolls-Royce and membership of the local golf club.

Obviously when he gets the car he has to drive it straight round to the golf club and make sure all the members get to see it, and he's ostentatiously buying drinks for the whole bar but sticking to lemonade himself because he's "got to drive the Roller home later, you know", and when it's time to g...

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A group of guys were playing a round of golf..

After 9 holes they stopped to have a cigar. So one of the guys opens his golf bag and pulls out 2 cigars and a great big lighter.

His friend asks him "Hey, where did you get such a big lighter?"

He responds "From my magic genie, of course!"

Of course his friend doesn't believe...

Bill and Tom went to the country club for a round of golf

Bill takes his practice swings and checks the wind then takes his swings again. After about 10 minutes of taking practice swings and checking the wind Tom starts getting aggravated and yells.

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BILL TAKE YOUR DAMN SWING ALREADY!”.

Bill turns to look at Tom and says....

Dad, Why do you always wear two pairs of pants when you go golfing?

Just in case I get a hole in one.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank...

As a tennis ball falls off a table, a golf ball shouts a question, "Are you going to be ok?"

The tennis ball replies, "Of course. I'll bounce back."

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Adolf Hitler has just took up golf...

He always manages to find himself in the bunker.

A fancy country club has a severe bee problem on the golf course.

The board of trustees decide to eradicate the bees they need to hire an expert. The bee entomologist is very expensive and the board decides they need to assess each member an additional $100 to their monthly dues for bee eradication.

Weeks after the treatment and it appears the course is b...

Two men golfing...

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go.

The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns ...

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

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Jesus was playing a round of golf with John the baptist

They were teeing up on the 9th hole and Jesus drives the ball right onto a patch of grass in the middle of a lake.


"Out of bounds, 2 shots!" John the baptist laughs



"I can play from there" Jesus said



"Not even Tiger Woods could get it from there" S...

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play.

The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says “I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, say...

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So this guy decides to take off work to go golfing.

So he's there on the Green, about to head his ball, when he hears, "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

He looks down and there's a little frog next to his foot. "What did you say, little frog?"

And the frog repeats. "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

So the man shrugs, figures what the hell, switches cl...

A husband and wife are golfing and almost immediately, the woman is stung by a bee.

As she’s had some bad reactions to bee stings before, the husband runs to the pro shop to get some assistance.

Bursting in, he says to the pro “My wife’s been stung, can you please help?”

The pro replies “Well where was she stung?”

“Between the first and second holes”.

...

I don't understand why people are so upset about President Trump playing Golf.

The More time he is away from the office the better.

A priest, a doctor and an engineer went golfing

They were stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with ...

I used to own two pairs of pants I played golf in constantly.

Sadly, I got a Hole In One.

You know how to smuggle something in a golf ball?

First, you have to get a hole in one...

What's the difference between a golf ball and G Spot?

A man will actually search for the golf ball.

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

Why do rich people like golf?

It’s not very taxing.

A Priest with a golf addiction...

awakes to a beautiful Sunday morning after weeks of bad weather. He just can't work today, he HAS to find a way to fit in a round or two of golf. He calls in sick, and drives 2 hours to distant course so no one will recognize him. He lines up his first shot, a par 5, and lets it rip...

Meanwh...

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes....

Golf Joke or Not

Moses, Jesus, and a bearded old man are playing golf. Moses drives a long one, which lands on the fairway but rolls directly toward the pond. Moses raises his club, parts the water, and the ball rolls safely to the other side.
Jesus also hits a long one toward the same pond, but just as it’s abou...

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Some people are saying the President had "a series of mini-strokes"

I'm not sure if they're talking about his golf game or how he masturbates.

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Golf Joke...What do you call the part of the body in between the vagina and rectum?

The driving range, because that’s where you hit your balls

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A priest goes golfing with his sailor buddy one day..

A priest goes golfing with his sailor buddy one day..

The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will strike you down."

The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and un...

A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.

Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters, "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says, "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says, "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me."
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and ...

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A Golf Story

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when on a difficult hole, w...

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A corrupt guy, a sex offender, a racist, a compulsive liar, an idiot and a terrible business man all walk into a golf course...

Welcome back Mr. President said the door man.

Two men are playing golf when a funeral procession comes by.

One of the men removes his hat and holds it to his chest respectfully until the procession passes. The second man tells the first, "That was really decent of you, interrupting your game to honor the dead like that.

"It's the least I could do," he replied, "We were married for 40 years."

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I Miss Playing Golf

Thanks to COVID19 causing the golf courses to close, I have resorted to watching porn so I can yell: "Get in the hole!!"

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

Another Golfing Woman Joke

A comely young blonde decided that she wanted to learn how to golf. So she goes to the pro shop at a course near her home, and signs up for lessons.

Well, she's a natural at it, so after a couple of weeks of instruction, the pro suggests she go out and play 9 holes.

Early the next morn...

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

Saw a strip club across the street from the Mini Golf course.

I’m just trying to have a nice afternoon with my kids and I look across the street and see a bunch of losers playing mini golf.

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Usain Bolt goes to a golf club.

He goes to the desk and the secretary says: “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow blacks in our club. There is a club 10 minutes down the road that accepts black people.”

Usain goes berserk and yells: “Do you even know who I am? I’m Usain fucking Bolt!”

“Oh I’m sorry.” replies the secretary. ...

A man tells his wife he’s headed to the golf course

Clearly annoyed, she says “this will be the third time this week you’ve gone golfing.”

“You sound like my ex-wife.” he says.

Surprised, the woman says “I didn’t know you were married before me.”

The man says “I wasn’t.”

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."


Nevertheless, ...

Life is like a game of golf,

Whoever has the least amount of strokes wins

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of Irish countryside.

Pump attendant who knows absolutely nothin about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two ...

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A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE...

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A man goes on a business trip to Japan

In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting:
##Hasimota! Hasimota!
Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few...

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A man is returning home a day earlier than expected from a business trip......

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because he suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the
act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, ya...

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Apparently in the hobbies section of my job application - Golf, masturbation and rolling boogers is not suitable....

I was only joking...I hate golf.

A urologist and a ear nose and throat doctor are golfing

When one of them sees an owl asleep in a tree by the ninth hole. The urologist looks over to the ENT doc and says “hey! I bet you 200$ I can give that owl a vasectomy without it waking up!”
The ENT doc says “you’re on!” The urologist goes up to the owl, rubs a special spot on its neck and perfor...

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Forgive me Father for I have Sinned

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
... "go on" says the priest.
"I swore the other day" says the man.
"continue" says the priest.
"I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line cr...

Booty pics and golf are surprisingly similar, in that

A hole in one is both rare and satisfying.

After several months of hounding, a guy finally takes his wife golfing ....

On no. 8, she hits an errant shot right behind a barn. She asks her husband, "now what am I gonna do?" The husband replies, "don't worry, I'll just open the barn doors and you'll have a clear shot right to the pin!" He opens the doors and the wife lets fly a line drive that hits the support post,...

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A sailor and a priest are playing golf...

The sailor takes a shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as it goes flying straight into a sand trap. The sailor mumbles to himself

“Fuck, I missed...”

The priest, hearing him, immediately snaps round and says

“Young man! Please do not use such awf...

Damn, missed

A Priest and a Lawyer go golfing. The Lawyer goes first. He takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed!"

The priest says, "Do not say that or God will strike you down."
On the next hole the lawyer takes careful aim, swings, and misses. He says, "Damn it, I missed...

Jeff was a prolific name dropper and his mate Jack had had enough.

“Surely you don’t know every person you mention,” he said.

“Sure do,” replied Jeff. “I know them all.”

Wanting proof, Jack wagered Jeff that he could find someone he didn’t know, a bet that Jeff accepted. They jumped on a plane and flew to Marvel Studios.

“OK,” said Jack, ...

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A man was visiting Japan for a business trip when he decided to buy a prostitute.

That night when the prostitute showed up to his hotel, he spent all night having his way with her. Though, all night, she keeps screaming, "Yoshimoto! Yoshimoto!"

Not knowing what she's saying, he thinks that it means something good.

The next day while conducting business on the golf c...

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Two men are out playing golf

One of them drives his ball into some nearby bushes and goes in after it. After finding his ball, he decides he may as well pee while he's in there and save a walk back to the clubhouse. So he whips it out and starts to pee. Unfortunately a snake, which does not appreciate being peed on, jumps up an...

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks" says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks" the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol on...

(DISCLAIMER: VERY VERY BAD JOKE) Two mates come for a meet together after high school...

One has a new Mercedes S550L, the other has a beaten up VW Golf. The Golf guy tells his friend that he has something to show off to him.

They drive to a nearby car park.

The Golf driver opens his glovebox and whips out a lamp. He scratches it, a genie pops up.

He tells the gen...

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A Psychology Professor becomes the warden of a renown mental health institution. NSFW Long

As he's making initial inspection of the hospital, checking on patients needs & treatment plans, he comes across a room where a patient is swinging an imaginary golf club.

"What are you doing?" ask's the Warden.

"Practicing my golf swing. The doctors tell me if i get really good ...

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3 men get sent to heaven and they arrive at Saint Peter’s gate.

St. Peter tells them they can have all the golfing and fun they want but when golfing to NEVER hit a duck. One of the guys asks, “why is hitting a duck a problem?” Saint Peter replies, “If you hit a duck it will start quacking then another will start quacking, then all the ducks start quacking and e...

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

A Little Old Man Wants to Play Golf One Day

He walks into the pro shop and they pair him up with two other golfers, Jesus and Moses.

On the first tee box, Moses hits his first shot right into a water hazard leading up to the green. He explains, "Don't worry guys, I've got this." Moses approaches the water and raises his hands causing t...

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A Rabbi and a Priest are out golfing,

The Priest takes his first shot and gets a hole in one. He smiles, then tells the Rabbi it's his turn. The Rabbi takes his shot, and completely missed the golf ball. The Rabbi then shouts,

"Shit, I missed!"

The Priest shakes his head and says,

"I would like it if you didn't utt...

This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade .

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess,the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** ...

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A man had 3 girlfriends but did not know which one to marry.

As a test, he decided to give each one 5000$ to see how they would spend it.

The first one went and got herself a complete makover and told him, i made myself pretty with the money for you because i love you so much

The second one went and bought him new golf him new golf clubs, clothe...

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This old Ukrainian joke, not sure it translate well

My father's father's father's golf caddy tell me did old joke it go ..

How make yourself Vomit?

You taking one finger from each hand and place one up bum and de other down throat.

if dis don't work. swap fingers round

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What's the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?

The shitty golfer goes, \-WHAM!\- "FUCK!"

The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" \-WHAM!\-

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