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My little brother won a goldfish at the local fair. Sadly, the next morning he was floating dead in his little pond.

So now I have to look after the fish.

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(An old joke I heard. So sorry if I mess up with the wording.) A dead body was found floating in the river.

..The police recovered it, and found a wallet with the body. They found out that the wallet belonged to Mr. Smith. But they still weren't sure if the dead body was of Mr. Smith or not.

So they did some investigation and found out about the twin brothers Mark and Harry, who were very close fri...

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[Translated] a maid sees a used condom floating in the commode and frantically calls the madam .

When the madam arrives,she points the condom and asks " What's this ?"

Madam who was clearly annoyed asks " Don't they have sex in your Village? "

Maid " we do but not so much that skin falls off'

Did you hear about the guy with dementia floating out into the great salt lake?

He was drifting slowly into salinity.

Two balloons were floating through the desert

"Hey look, a cactussssss...."

I walk into my Granddaddy's house drinking a coke

He tells me, "Boy, you drinking too many of those cokes. Don't you know that isn't good for your teeth?"

I say, "You be drinking bourbon everytime I've seen you since I can remember. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner. "

He says, "yeah , but that ain't gonna mess up my teeth."

You...

I'm opening a floating restaurant on a houseboat where we sell ice cream tacos, and our mascot is a gorilla dressed like an ancient Mongolian warrior.

I call it "Attila Gorilla's Vanilla Tortilla Flotilla"

A luxury boat sank and a passenger was holding on to a floating piano...

All of a sudden, someone floats by sitting atop a floating cello and asks: “ May I accompany you?”

What do you call a dog floating in water?

A good buoy

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A man was on a ship that sunk, and after floating for days he washed up on a deserted island....

He was stranded for many years on this island, but fortunately food was easy to come by. Fruits and vegetables grew abundantly all over the island, and the fish were so easy to catch it was almost like they *wanted* to be caught. Unfortunately, this meant that he had hours and hours of free time th...

Holy duck.

There were 3 ducks floating on a lake, a thunder storm came up, and lighting stuck and killed them, so there souls arrived at the golden gates of duck heaven. At the front of the gates sat ol' duck St. Peter. He looked down at these 3 and asked the first one to step forward, state his name and hone...

A couple ducks are floating on a pond, and one of them goes, “Quack!”

The other duck looks over and says, “Wow, I was just gonna say that!”

Two balloons are floating in the desert. First one says to other:

"Watch out for cactusssssssssss..."

"Where it isssssssssssss..."

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looking for a joke!

When I was little, my grandmother used to tell a joke about an ant riding on a piece of poop in the toilet and singing "floating down the river on a tootsie roll." My husband doesn't believe me. Grandma passed a year and a half ago so I can't ask her. Anyone know what I am talking about?

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What do you call masturbating while floating down a river?

Toobin

I had a dream I was floating in a sea of Orange bliss.

Too bad it was only a fanta sea.

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I Have No Fear. God Will Protect Me.

In the midst of a heavy hurricane season, a small town in Florida is alerted as likely to be hit very hard by one particular storm. An emergency notice it sent out to evacuate the town in anticipation of major flooding. One man in the town, Steve, refuses to leave his house, claiming, "I have no fea...

What will you call a big broken glacier piece, floating towards United Kingdom?

Iceburgh

A lone traveller, weary and famished from days on the road, stumbles across an old inn on a desolate mountain trail.

His eyes light up as he sees light coming from the windows, realizing he is about to enjoy his first hot meal in weeks.

He bursts through the doors of the inn and finds it bustling with activity. Every table is packed with patrons merrily drinking and feasting.

The traveller searches ...

I kept wondering why the ball was floating in front of me

Then it hit me

There’s three paraplegics. One is floating in water, one is on your door step and one is hanging on your wall.

Meet Bob, Matt and Art.

A Polack, An American and an Englishman all go skydiving...

The polack jumps fist, the American waits ten seconds, then the Englishman jumps a moment layer.

The Polack pulls his chute and it opens. The American pulls his, and it fails to open. He falls screaming passed the Polack. The Englishman pulls his chute, and it fails to open. He ...

I had a really weird dream last night. I was floating on an ocean of orange flavoured fizzy drink, then Queen music started to play. I found myself wondering;

Is this the real life? Is this just fanta sea?

A traveling salesman, caught in a torrential rainstorm, stopped overnight at a farmhouse.

In the morning, he looked out on the flood coursing through the front yard. He watched pieces of fence, chicken coops, branches, and an old straw hat floating past with the current.

Then he saw the straw hat come back, upstream past the house. Then he saw it go down again. Pretty soon it came...

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My wife wanted some floating shelves in the sitting room.

Now all she does is bitch about the water.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean?

Bob.

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

My boss came into the office and poured us all shots to celebrate the birth of his daughter. I asked why the liquor had little bits of gold floating around in it, and he explained it was Goldschläger

Weird flecks, but ok.

What's floating above a mass grave?

Team spirit

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Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf at a club famous for it's floating green.

When approaching the tee box Moses reminds Jesus that he never makes the green and he should just lay it up for the easy chip. Jesus replies, "Arnold Palmer drives this green, so can I."

Sure enough, plop in the water goes Jesus's ball. Moses being nice, parts the water and retrieves the bal...

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Two Irishmen are on a cruise when the ship encounters trouble.

The ship breaks in two and sinks rapidly and the two Irishmen are the only survivors, having secured a small lifeboat. They are adrift at sea with no land in sight. Suddenly they see something floating on the waves. It's a small, ancient lamp, and when they retrieve it and dry it off a genie suddenl...

Two amoebae are floating along in a prehistoric ocean.

Amoeba 1: Weird...I think I just took in a breath of air.

Amoeba 2: Nah. You're probably imagining things.

Amoeba 1: Yeah. False aspirations, I guess.

What do you call a guy who's laying down in front of a door?...Matt. What do you call a guy floating up and down in the water?... Bob. What do you call a guy leaning against a wall?...Art. What do you call a gal who you owe money to that you set on fire?...

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..BERNADETTE!!!!!!

There are 2.000000000001 kinds of people in the world

Those who have dealt with floating point, and those who have not.

A floating head walks into a bar.

He sits down at the bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Upon downing the glass, the man's torso suddenly appears.

"Wow this beer sure is amazing!" Says the man."Bring me another!"

So the bartender brings him another drink, and after finishing it, the man's arms appear.

"Fant...

Three in floating in the Ocean.

Three men floating in the ocean in a life raft when a smoke-filled bottle bumps the raft. One guy picks it up and opens it. Out comes the Genie. I will grant you each one wish but it can’t be changed…..The first guy shouts-out, turn the ocean to beer. The other two look at him then shake their heads...

A man walks into a bar......

He sits down and has a few beers and with a big grin on his face he strikes up a conversation with the guy next to him. He tells him "You will never believe this, but there is some kind of updraft in the ally next to this bar and you can walk right off of the roof and just hover in place!"

Of...

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool of water.

Bob.

What do you call a man mounted on a wall?
Art.

What do you call one man crouched between another man's legs?
Peter.

What do you call a man in a hole?
Phil.

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Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.

While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
...

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Two Irishmen lose their oars

Two Irishmen lose their oars after paddling far out into the ocean. They were lost and had no idea what to do. One of them finds a bottle floating and picks it out of the water only to find a genie pop out. The genie tell them that he will grant them only 1 wish. Without hesitation, one of them shou...

What did they find floating in the toilet of the S.S Enterprise?

Captains Log

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Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

I walked passed the sea and thought I saw a severed hand floating

Turns out it was just a wave

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a man gets on a public bus...

A man gets on a public bus, and sees a very attractive nun. He goes over to sit by the nun, and starts talking her up, trying to get her to come home with him. She refuses his advances, and eventually gets off the bus. The guy, however, couldn't get her out of his head, so he went up and asked the b...

A man walked past a floating string...

*m* - "Where did you learn to do that?"

*s* - "I'm self-taut!"

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The floating man

A man named Billy was drinking on a rooftop bar when a dapper fellow came up next to him and ordered a drink.
"Ill take the usual" the dapper fellow says, and the barkeep reaches under the bar and pours the man a shot. He takes it, walks over to the edge of the roof, and jumps.
Billy runs ov...

When the titanic crashed, what were they floating on?

An iPhone 7, there was no Jack.

When i was in school there was this joke floating around.

Ok so i went to a roman catholic school and below is the layout of the foyer of my school from when I was young, the arrow indicates a statue of mother Mary and the direction in which she faces. The longer part of the picture indicates a path leading away from the foyer and the squiggly line indicat...

What did the boat say when it stopped floating?

Oh buoy...

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