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Drown Jokes

How do You Drown a Hipster?

Throw him into the mainstream.

My friend Dave drowned.

At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German saved my drowning dog

A German tourist jumped in freezing water to save my little dog who was drowning.

When he climbed out and gave me my dog he said "here is ze dog keep him warm
¡and dry him off he vill be fine"

I said "are you a vet?"

He replied “vet?.. I'm fucking soaking"

Jokes about drowning billionaires are disgusting.

I mean, how low can you go?

A Republican Senator and a Democratic Senator are drowning and you can only save one. Do you...

A: Have lunch.

B: Browse reddit.

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

Always remember that children can drown in as little as one inch of water

so please if you are drowning children, don’t waste water.

My friend Tommy drowned the other day...

At his funeral, we placed a lifejacket on his coffin.

It's what he would have wanted...

Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week...

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.

Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

A man is drowning

A man is drowning. A helicopter arrives with a dangling rope, but he waves it away, shouting,
; "I am waiting for God
to save me!" After several minutes, a man on a raft appears.


Again the drowning man waves the rescuer away, explaining that he is waiting for God. When another boat ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A was man drowning his sorrows at the bar. A beautiful woman sat down beside him and asked, “What is wrong?”

He said: “My wife just left me because I am too kinky in bed.”

The lady gasped, “My husband left me for the same reason!”

A few drinks later, they end up at her place and she says: “I’m going to the bathroom to change into something ‘more comfortable.’

Ten minutes later, she ...

Did y'all hear about the group of hipsters who drowned at the pond?

Turns out they were ice skating before it was cool

I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda.

When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

Today I saved a man drowning in the river

I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

Source: University Daytime Janitor

I love "technically true" jokes, like:

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.

Or

Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

Or

There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

What else ...

I had an uncle who worked at a whiskey factory. He fell into a vat and drowned 6 hours later.

He would have drowned earlier but he got out 3 times to pee.

Why did the thirty Irish people drown?

They were riverdancing.

How do you drown a submarine full of blondes?

Knock on the door

What did the faucet say when it was drowning?

Help! I'm going to sink!

What is common between burned bread, drowned man and pregnant woman?

Pulled out too late!

What does it look like when someone is drowning?

lol

Did you hear about the guy who drowned in the vat of beer?

He got out two times to go to the bathroom

Why couldn't the life guard save the drowning hippie?

He was too far out, man.

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water.

Heard about the statistician who drowned crossing a river?

It was three feet deep on average.

Why does a surfing tree not drown?

Because it wears Wooden Trunks!

What do you call a giant who drowned in the sea

A titanic

Note: not sure if titan and giant are the same

My friend drowned in a vat of varnish. He had a terrible end,

but a lovely finish.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.


I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

Why don't drag queens drown? (OC)

Because they're flamboyant.

A religious man was drowning in the middle of the sea.

A boat stopped by and the sailor said:
"Hey there, do you need help?"

The man then said: "No thank you, God will save me"

The sailor left in a hurry and confused.

The man kept praying and praying.

A second boat arrived and the sailor said holding the lifejacket:
<...

Where do you drown a hippie?

In the mainstream (I know it was terrible)

A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean.

A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean. A lifeguard swims past and asks the priest: "Do you need help?"
Priest replies: "Don't worry. God will save me."
A few minutes go by and another life guard swims past. He says: "Here, grab my hand I can help you get back to shore"
Priest rep...

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Have you heard the story about the guy who drowned at the cheesemaking factory?

It's whey over the top

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A painter falls into a tank and drowns

A painter was doing a contract for a brewing company to paint the brewing shop. He sets his ladder over this open tank filled with 3000L of beer.

He didn’t secure his ladder properly, and so it slips and he falls into this massive tank. Only one option, DRINK!! So he chugs and chugs trying t...

I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.

… A bittersweet victory.

Why did the programmer drown when he fell into the lake at the park?

There was a sign that said "No swimming".

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?

She said no one told her to do it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field.

The situation looked hopeless to her-how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

4 Mexicans drowning in quicksand...

quattro Cinco

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

My best friend drowned in Egypt.

I’m in denile.

A man goes to drown his sorrows after losing a trial. He exclaims, "All lawyers are scumbags!"

The man next to him says, "I take issue with that."

"Why, are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a scumbag."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is drowning his sorrows at a bar.

Over his beer, he tells the bartender, "I built this bar, you know, and many other buildings over the years. But do they call me McGregor the builder? No, they do not.

Look outside. Do you see that road? I built that too, and many others over the years. Do they call me McGregor the road buil...

There is a man drowning 100 feet from shore and is crying for help.......

A Democrat shows up and throws him 200 feet of rope. The excess rope weighs the victim down and he drowns.

A Republican shows up and throws out 50 feet of rope and demands that the victim take some responsibility for himself and swim to the rope. He can’t and drowns.

A libertarian show...

What do you call it if a bunch of people in comas drown in a hot tub?

Vegetable stew.


Not mine, and yes I know it's tasteless.

Probably as tasteless as the stew.

If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...

would you go to lunch or a movie?

I have often wanted to drown my troubles

But I can’t convince my wife to come swimming.

Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?

Because they did it before it was cool

what's the best place to drown a hipster?

in the main stream

My girlfriend drowned in a well

I didn’t know that wells still existed let alone granted wishes

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

Why didn't the flashy drummer drown?

He was flambuoyant

A woman gets a phone call from the brewery where her husband works.

“Mrs Smith, there was a terrible accident, your husband fell inside one of the big beer vats and drowned…” Mrs Smith bursts in tears, the person on the other side of the line tries to alleviate her grief “You know, your husband didn’t suffer” “Drowning is a horrible way to die! How do you know?” “W...

What did the seaweed say whilst drowning?

Keeeelp!

My uncle fell into a vat of whiskey and drowned.

5 men tried to save him but he managed to fight them off.

How did Minnie save Mickey from drowning?

Mouse to mouse resuscitation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's yatch capsizes and he is about to drown in the middle of the ocean

Loudly he proclaimes "Nothing to fear! My lord will save me!"

A tug boat comes by and the sailor spots the man

"It's your lucky day mate, jump in and I'll take you to shore"

The man replies, "thankyou for the kind offer but I have no fear, my lord will save me!"

"Suit you...

My girlfriend saved me from drowning last night

Thank God she took her foot off my head

How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?

You remove them from the gene pool.

How do you drown a blonde?

You tell her she can breath underwater

Where are you most likely to drown?

*Deepends*

I'd like to drown my sorrows

but my missus doesn't go near water.

Stalin was out swimming, but he began to drown.

A peasant who was passing by jumped in and pulled him safely to shore. Stalin asked the peasant what he would like as a reward. Realizing whom he had saved, the peasant cried out: ‘Nothing! Just please don’t tell anyone I saved you!’

The drowning man

A conservative and a liberal are walking along the beach when they see a man drowning a hundred feet off shore.

The conservative throws him a 50-foot rope and shouts to the victim "You provide the other fifty feet." The liberal throws the man a 200-foot rope ... and lets go of both ends.

Did you hear the one about the soda company employee who was out walking on the beach, but drowned?

He was schwepped out to sea

[Programmer Joke] Why did the int drown?

Because he couldn't float! (Insert laughter here)

Did you hear Ellen DeGeneres drowned?

She was found face down in Ricki Lake

A man is drowning in the Mississippi river...

A man is drowning in the Mississippi river and screams for help. Two police officers are standing nearby, but they are just ignoring him. The man does not know, what to do, and so with his last attempt, shouts: "The president is an idiot!". Immediately after the police officers heard this, they pull...

Why can a Kardashian never drown?

They're always way too shallow.

A lifeguard rescues a drowning man

Grateful, the man offers him an award. He reaches in a flask and pours out some goop.

"Thank you but what is this?"

"Your whale cum."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit."
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method ...

Why did the girl ant drown?

Because she was not buoyant.

So a man is drowning

A boat comes by and said,”sir do you need help?”. The man said,”no thanks god will save me”. Another boat comes by and said,”do need help, you’re gonna die.” The man replies,”no thanks god will save”

The man dies and asks god,”Why didn’t you save me god?,” God replies,”You dumbass I sent you...

What does a mathematician say when he's drowning?

Log log log log

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No boaters drowned at the Trump boat parade this weekend

Because pieces of shit float

what do people do if a furry nearly drowns

give them furs-taid


yeah its not that good ik

Drowning doesn’t actually sound that bad

In fact it sounds quite breathtaking

Why did the blind man fall 50 feet and drown?

He didn’t see that well.

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