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Assassination Jokes

The day after the JFK assassination

So the day after the Kennedy assassination, Lyndon Johnson had already been sworn in and settles down that evening in the oval office. Just then, a red phone rings on his desk. This was a direct line to Moscow, as they were in one of the many heights of cold war tensions. Johnson answers the phone, ...

Today is the 60th anniversary of the JFK assassination

That just blows my mind

The assassination of Julius Caesar

Caesar was famously killed on the Ides of March, but he wasn't expecting the attack until August 2. His final words embodied his dismay over the scheduling confusion:

"8/2, Brute..."

I’ve been trying to come up with a joke about the Reagan assassination...

But I can’t get any of them to hit

Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts

But even he could not survive 2016

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have H2O."

The second one says, "I'd also like water. Wait, why did you call it H2O? We're not at work anymore."

The first scientist goes to the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.

Former Pakistan PM and cricket legend Imran Khan survived an assassination attempt. Doctors said he has a leg bullet wound.

I guess he is Out, LBW.

There was an assassination attempt on the president!

As the President was being interviewed by reporters on the White House lawn, a crazed looking man came outta nowhere shooting an assault rifle. the Secret service charged him without hesitation, except for one agent who screamed ‘Mickey Mouse!’

After things settled down, the agents superior ...

Fidel Castro survived assassination attempts, coups, plagues....

....but was like, "Nah, I can't do a Trump world. Good luck y'all, I'm out."

Two men are in a pub...

“I want to kill my wife”, says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my ...

What do you call a failed vampire assassination?

A missed stake

The assassination of John Lennon is one of the biggest tragedies in music

Not even one of the five bullets hit Yoko Ono

Jokes About Attempted Assassinations...

Generally go over people's heads.

Trump is going to reveal the classified JFK assassination details

Turns out it was Hillary Clinton.

Last night was like the Kennedy assassination...

...nobody is sure how many shots there were

In honor of both Halloween and the release of documents on JFK's assassination

I decided to carve a pumpkin that looks like JFK's widow. It's my first Jackie O'Lantern.

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before ...

How Much Will Trump's Assassination Insurance Cost

One Pence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian teaching his son the spelling of assassination

One ass behind another ass, behind that I, and behind me the whole nation.

How can we be sure the government wasn't involved in the Kennedy assassination?

Well he's dead, isn't he?




(Adapted from Neil Gaiman's *American Gods*)

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