I’ve been trying to come up with a joke about the Reagan assassination...

But I can’t get any of them to hit

Did you hear about the assassination of the Egyptian president in 1981?

He never Sadat coming.



ps: it was actually in 1980, my bad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is something you can say at JFK's assassination and during sex?

So no head?

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says “I’ll have H2O” the second one says “I’ll have water also” the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist was put in charge of developing new methods of assassination for the CIA.

He came up with several ideas, and the director of the CIA came down to see them demonstrated.

He showed off ballpoint pen dart-guns and poisoned bubble gum, but nothing seemed to impress the director. Finally, he stood up to leave.

"I'm going to go take a piss, and then I'm headed bac...

I have just been reading into the JFK assassination...

it was Mindblowing...

Two scientists, Jim and Dave, walk into a bar...

... Jim asks for a H20.

Dave asks why he ordered it like that, and Jim says that they're scientists and so should present themselves as such.

Dave replies "whatever, I'll have a water too".

Jim watches the bartender get Dave's drink, angry that his assassination attempt failed.

Fidel Castro survived 638 assassination attempts

But even he could not survive 2016

There was an assassination attempt on the president!

As the President was being interviewed by reporters on the White House lawn, a crazed looking man came outta nowhere shooting an assault rifle. the Secret service charged him without hesitation, except for one agent who screamed ‘Mickey Mouse!’

After things settled down, the agents superior ...

The assassination of Julius Caesar

Caesar was famously killed on the Ides of March, but he wasn't expecting the attack until August 2. His final words embodied his dismay over the scheduling confusion:

"8/2, Brute..."

The assassination of John Lennon is one of the biggest tragedies in music

Not even one of the five bullets hit Yoko Ono

Not only was John F. Kennedy's assassination an unexpected thing...

It was also mind blowing.

Jokes About Attempted Assassinations...

Generally go over people's heads.

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before ...

In honor of both Halloween and the release of documents on JFK's assassination

I decided to carve a pumpkin that looks like JFK's widow. It's my first Jackie O'Lantern.

How Much Will Trump's Assassination Insurance Cost

One Pence

Trump is going to reveal the classified JFK assassination details

Turns out it was Hillary Clinton.

What do you call a failed vampire assassination?

A missed stake

Fidel Castro survived assassination attempts, coups, plagues....

....but was like, "Nah, I can't do a Trump world. Good luck y'all, I'm out."

I used to be a body guard for Donald Trump

One day, an assassination attempt took place, and when the man tried to shoot, I shouted "Mickey Mouse!".

After the attempt, Trump asked why I shouted Mickey Mouse, to which I replied "sorry, I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck!'"

How can we be sure the government wasn't involved in the Kennedy assassination?

Well he's dead, isn't he?




(Adapted from Neil Gaiman's *American Gods*)

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