UPJOKE
sleep apneadepressionhypnoticsleepmigrainesymptomasleepdehydrationpainanxietynauseasleeping pillhallucinationsdizzinessconstipation

People with insomnia are pretty cool

They’re up for anything

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I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...

All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.

Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side...

...only three more sleeps till Christmas.

The doctor told me I have either amnesia or insomnia

I can't remember which one and it's making me lose sleep!

I have insomnia.

I won’t rest until I find a cure.

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Doctor can you cure my insomnia?

“Of course, we just have to get rid of the root cause!”

“Won’t be easy, the wife’s grown quite fond of that fucking baby”

How does the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia spend his time?

Staying up all night wondering if there is a dog

Police say a Maryland man stole $369 worth of erectile dysfunction and insomnia meds from a pharmacy

Apparently he wanted to stay up but not stay up.

I have been trying to understand why my candle has such bad insomnia...

...guess there is no rest for the wicked.

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I was having problems with insomnia, so I went to see my doctor for advice.

Doctor: "You'll have to stop masturbating."

Me: "Why??"

Doctor: " Because I'm trying to examine you now!"

People keep telling me im unlucky to have Insomnia but the jokes on them...

only 2 more sleeps till Christmas!

my wife has insomnia

Atleast she won't be sleeping with anyone

I got really bad insomnia and didn't know what to do

A friend told me he gets a massage from his wife and he's asleep in minutes. I tried the same and it worked; his wife does give great massages.

I once had a nightmare about insomnia.

Haven't slept since.

What do accountants’ spouses say to fall asleep when they have insomnia?

“Sweetie, tell me about your job.”

I stopped complaining about my insomnia

when I found out most of my relatives died in their sleep.

What do you call a vampire with insomnia?

Dust

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My chronic diarrhoea is giving me insomnia

I'm getting real tired of this shit.

Insomnia is very common.

Try not to lose any sleep over it.

Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side...

Only three more sleeps till Christmas

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Why do so many Welsh people have insomnia?

Every time they start counting sheep they have to stop for a wank

The Bad News is that I suffer chronic insomnia

...but the Good News - just two more sleeps 'til Christmas.

What do philosophers suffering from dyslexia and insomnia do?

Keep up at night wondering whether dog exists

My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.

She's a nightmare

I went to see my doctor about my insomnia.

Not sure he appreciated me knocking on his door at 3AM.

What do you get when you combine insomnia, dyslexia and agnosticism?

Someone who lies awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.

I had to break up with my girlfriend who suffered from insomnia

She just wasn’t very into-resting

I just found out insomnia is illegal in my home town.

They call it resisting a rest.

I once picked up a book to solve insomnia. It was a pretty heavy read.

So I pulled an all nighter.

Why are people who suffers from insomnia so excited at the moment?

They only have to sleep 3 more times until Christmas

welshman with insomnia

a welshman with insomnia cannot sleep one night, so he calls up his friend, who tells him to count sheep, and that he's going to sleep. the welshman tries that and calls the friend again in the morning,
'well you didn't fix my insomnia but you sure fixed my erectile dysfunction'

What does the impotent, dyslexic, physicist with insomnia think about while he tries to fall asleep?

His hadron

My insomnia is getting worse

But I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

I've got really bad insomnia.

It's been keeping me asleep all night.

Another one translated from Russian...

Doctor: This medicine is for insomnia, this one is for nervous break-down, and also take this one for depression.
Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?

All the avatar has done is complain about the youngsters since his return, so the new series is now called

Boomer Aang

But at least he is back!

(This is seriously what insomnia does to a guys already fading sanity).

I visited a Blonde Doctor recently she diagnosed me with Insomnia.

Don't worry she said it wasn't anything to lose sleep over.

I thought I’d be put in jail for resisting arrest

But as it turns out, insomnia isn’t a crime.

A difficult therapy

"Doctor, I tell you, the therapy you gave me for my insomnia was too hard"

"What? I just recommended warm milk, honey and a hot bath before going to sleep. What's so hard about that?!"

"Well, milk and honey was easy, but the hot bath... I was never able to drink it all... "

I spoke to my doctor

“Doctor, can you prescribe a sleeping pill for my mother-in-law?”

The doctor responded, “Why? Is your mother-in-law suffering from insomnia?”

“No, Doc. my mother-in-law sleeps well at night, the sleeping pill was for the day.”

A 5G cell tower was built in a rural neighborhood

After the cell tower was erected, people living near the tower started reporting worrying symptoms, such as, as dizzy spells, vomiting, and insomnia.

Over the next few months, these symptoms increased in both frequency and intensity--sometimes people would completely lose consciousness and fa...

5 Russian Jokes about Vodka

#1

A Gentleman comes to the shop and asked,

- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.

After Half an hour he comes again and asked again,

- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.

After one hour he comes again and asked to the shopkeeper...

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An Irishman, stricken with severe insomnia, decides he needs go for a late night walk..

Figures it’d be best if he got some fresh air and such, as he highly doubts that he'll be falling asleep anytime soon. So, he slips into his boots, throws on a jacket, and heads out the door. Not 5 minutes later, he comes across a freshly painted white picket-fence that leads to an unfamiliar bar on...

A bartender is working at a bar and has 3 customers.

All of them look extremely tired, with dark circles around their eyes and generally sluggish movements. As he offers a drink to the first one, the bartender says:

"Excuse me sir, I hope you don't mind me saying so, but you look incredibly tired. Can I ask why?"

The man looks up and sig...

What's the best thing about having insomnia?

Only one nights sleep til Christmas!

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Being Kind Is A Weakness!

I have a very good friend. We've been friends for a long long time. His name is Bill.

So, Bill had insomnia. He hasn't slept for days. He asked me to buy some sleeping pills for him and bring them to his house. Upon reaching his house, I saw him sleeping on his bed.

So, I woke him up ...

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[Little bit racist] why do New Zealanders...

Have insomnia? Because every time they start counting sheep they get too horny to sleep.

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Meta Dick Joke

It appreciated the firm handshake.

Ok not seriously, here's the joke:
A young pre-teen boy understands he will be pubertized in the next few years. He turns to his father, a doctor, for advice. He says "You're a logical doctor. What does it mean to be a man?" The doctor thinks about it a b...

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