What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?

The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.

My boss doesn't approve my practice of taking a glass of rum before work. He said "I won't tolerate alcoholism in a workplace!", to which I replied "Sir, it's not alcoholism..

*it's microboozing*

I thought I might be an alcoholic, so I did some research. It turns out the first sign of alcoholism is denial...

So I guess I'm not an alcoholic.

My Doctor said, "Alcoholism is a disease."

My bartender said, "Get your shots here."

How did Mike Tyson open the door to alcoholism?

Withkey.

My son said that he's proud of me overcoming alcoholism.

I'll drink to that.

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

I joined an alcoholism support group.

It was a total bait-and-switch; every motherfucker there was *against* my alcoholism!

Alcoholism

A son walks up to his dad to ask him about alcoholism.

Son: "dad, what is an alcoholic?"
Father: "do you see those four trees over there? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
Son: "but dad, I only see two!"

Where did Jesus hide his alcoholism?

In his water bottle

Alcoholism is the only disease you get yelled at for having

Dammit Otto, you're an alcoholic

Dammit Otto, you have lupus

One of those doesn't sound right

RIP Mitch Hedberg

Breast cancer awareness has pink ribbons, but what does alcoholism awareness have?

Bruises.

What's the difference between squirrels and alcoholism?

Squirrels aren't tearing my family apart.

What's the difference between alcoholism and a lobotomy?

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

I'm finally going to do something about my alcoholism

I'm going to pour out all the booze in my house. One shot at a time.

Some people worry drinking in the shower is a sign of alcoholism

I just worry about keeping the water out of my beer

As a law school drop out, I struggle with alcoholism...

I just can't pass a bar

I've been working really hard on controlling my alcoholism

I can't remember the last time I blacked out.

Once I've read about the perils of alcoholism I've decided to stop...

...reading.

Alcoholism doesn't run in my family.

It walks.

You spill less beer that way.

Another Soviet Joke

In the late 1980s, Mikhail Gorbachev, tried to curb alcoholism deaths by limiting the times and places vodka was sold, resulting in huge lines.

One man, in line for vodka, says " I can't take this, save my place, I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate Gorbachev.", and he trudges off into t...

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

In an interview yesterday, Texas Governor Rick Perry stood by his recent comments in which he compared homosexuality to alcoholism.

Perry further explained the similarities between the two by saying, โ€œThey are both things I experimented with while in college and both resulted in my liver taking a pounding.โ€

A horse walks into a bar...

The bar tender says, "why the long face?"
The horse replies, "because my alcoholism is destroying my family"

Stressed? Anxious? Unhappy?

Ask your doctor if alcoholism is right for you.

My taste in women is much like my taste in wine

Right now i like them younger, sweeter, and prettier. As i age, i start to like them older, more bitter, and contributing to my alcoholism.

They say alcohol cures everything, but that's a lie...

It still hasn't cured my alcoholism.

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

A collection of OC jokes!

Well I hope they're funny, anyway. The past few months I've been writing down anything that seems vaguely amusing to me. I imagine that some of them might be already-existing jokes without knowing it, but I hope you enjoy!

* I was offered a job studying fog but I turned it down. In hindsight,...

What's it called when you mix champagne with orange juice at breakfast?

Alcoholism

Slightly more modern Russian joke

Putin is visiting a big factory for a photo op, and he decides to get the opinions of the common man. He walks up to one of the line workers and says, "My friend, I hear alcoholism is a big problem in Russia. Tell me, do you think you could still do your job if you drank a bottle of vodka in the mor...

Timmy...

Timmy came home to his parents one day after school, and goes straight to his mother.
"Mommy, I've got a drinking problem." he says.
Upon hearing this, his mom starts arguing with his dad about how his alcoholism got to Timmy, and the two got in a huge fight. On the verge of tears, his ...

This joke may contain offensive words. ๐Ÿค”

[Long] Two best friends reunite...

Dan, a former alcoholic gets a random call from his best friend from college, Bobby.

"Dan, I'm in town! We haven't seen each other in a minute. Meet me at the bar in an hour."

Dan tells his wife he is going to meet Bobby, and is warned not to drink any alcohol because of their previo...

Not in a hurry

- Alcoholism Is A Slow Death!
- And we are not in a hurry!