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Massacre Jokes

Reflections on the Jonestown massacre of 1978

As a society, we sometimes tell jokes about some of the most horrific events--mass murders, disasters, and so on. Often the jokes start within a day or two of the catastrophe, even before the dead can be counted. Perhaps we do it as a coping or healing mechanism, or perhaps it's our only extant type...

Why does nobody ever tell Jonestown Massacre jokes?

... because the punchlines are too long

A guy is in a shooting massacre and dies

The man stands before St.Peter at the gates fuming and full of holes in his body and asks “why did God let this happen?” St. Peter replies “You prayed to be more holy.”

You guys hear about the gummi bear massacre?

It was Haribo.

Struggling to write a new joke about the Jonestown Massacre.

I always mess up the punch.

In 1978, the Jonestown massacre happened where 909 ppl lost their lives. You never hear too many jokes about it…

because the punchline is too long.

Why does nobody talk about the Jonestown massacre?

They beat us to the punch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the worst part about the Orlando massacre?

Finding out that your son was gay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Easter massacre

After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock

Took down a Tiananmen Square Massacre photo yesterday...

“Censorship bad”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Texan Massacre

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and said, "Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from the top of mah head to the tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

She didn't know what else to do, so she took his ...

Good for Christian Bale, visiting the victims of the Aurora, Colorado massacre.

I heard some of them even got to meet Heath Ledger.

How is the Tiananmen square massacre similar to the Mueller report?

[REDACTED]

What do you call a massacre in a pie shop?

Custard's last stand

In honor of the Bowling Green Massacre, wear a green ribbon . . .

. . . or, perhaps more appropriately, some color you made up in your head.

What do Zack Snyder and The Jonestown Massacre have in common?

Sucker Punch.

I have this great joke about the Jonestown massacre but it's difficult to tell

The punch line is sooo long.

Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

How do you stop a film from being pirated in China?

Just name it Tiananmen Square Massacre.

What do you call the destruction of large acres of lands?

A massacre.

What did Vito Corleone's brother Frank say when rival fishermen sabotaged his gear?

"Look how they massacred my buoy!"

Did you hear about the earthquake that destroyed 4046.856 square metres of land during church?

Some people call it a massacre

A little known fact about China.

The year of the Tiananmen Square massacre was the first year China tried to introduce Tanksgiving.

Let me tell you a little story about a criminal.

So in Thailand there was a gangster named "Mr. Phoon.", and one day he was passing through a small village that was home to a man he had had "taken care of", when the man had tried to interfere with the flow of Mr. Phoon's drugs into the town.

Now it was a stormy day, and some of the famil...

It was Tracy's first day at the aviary

And she was put in charge of the cassowary enclosure. She only looked away for a second, but that was enough time for one of them to escape! Tracy looked back and saw a flurry of wings and feathers as the great beast fled the area. She chased after it and heard in the distance a great commotion and ...

During the revolutionary war, a foreign scientist published a paper discussing the environmental effects of the boston tea party.

Unfortunately the scientist did not understand the number system used by the americas at the time and tried to wing it.

People to this day talk about the base 10 massacre.

I think the girl I just met may be a goddess...

because even though she's never talked to me, later tonight billions will be massacred by my hand in her name.

What Do They Call a Pride Parade in Saudi Arabia?

A Massacre

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There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.

'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Bacon Tree

Way back in the cowboy days, a wagon train was travelling West and hadn't seen anyone in days. One day, they came across an old Jewish man sitting under a tree, all by himself.
The leader of the wagon went over to the Jew and said "Hey, what are you doing way out here?"
The Jew replied, and to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chi-chi... or Death!

A military company is patrolling the Amazon jungle when they walk into an ambush by a native tribe. It's a total massacre; everyone save for the captain and a soldier is killed.

The natives secure the captured and brings them back to the village in the jungle. Once they arrive, they tie each ...

A Russian, a French and a German tourist walk through New Guinea...

...when, suddenly, a cannibal tribe emerges from the jungle and attacks them. They're caught and brought to the village, where the tribe's chief walks out.

"Ah," he says, "nice to meet you! Now, we'll eat you, of course, that's our tradition, but it's nothing personal, I don't want you to thi...

There was a Farmer and he really loved tractors.

He was a huge tractor fan.

One day he decided to take his John Deer tractor down to the local grocery store. A short way into his journey the tractor steering locked and brakes failed it was on a set course through the gates of the school and into a the path of a group of children playing ou...

Once upon a time there was an egg...

This egg was very smart, even at a very young age he decided to be the most successful chicken in the world! During his chick years he was so hardworking and competitive that he was always top of the class and graduated a couple of months younger than his peers. Of course, naturally he was accepted ...

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