What do you call someone who got fired from the East German secret police for substance abuse ?

An Ex-Stasi

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

I adopted a duck with a substance abuse problem.

He’s addicted to quack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm no drug addict but they still took me to the substance abuse department

All I said to my friend doctor was
"I'm a dick, Ted"

How many substance abuse counselors does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

I hit a new high today, but my wife tells me that it's actually the lowest I've ever been.

Turns out substance abuse isn't a joke.

Mr Horse has always wanted to play the guitar...

So he starts going for lessons and after a few months he is quite good so he calls on his friend Mr Pig who plays the piano because he would like to start a band. They write some songs and play at some venues but all the fans say that they need a vocalist to take their band to the next level. So the...

What’s the first thing you learn working in construction?

Substance abuse

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night I was at the bar and this guy kept yelling "bastard" at his pint of beer.

It's never nice to witness substance abuse.

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