UPJOKE
deadlylethaldeathlymortalinevitablediseasefatefuldisastroustragicritualfatalityheartdeathsuicideterminal

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I’ve planned a film where a man’s involved in a fatal wanking accident

I’m calling it Die Hard

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, ‘I don’t ...

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

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[after Pumba suffers a fatal heart attack]

**Timon [sobbing]:** OH GOD WHYYYY??

**Simba:** hahaha hakuna matata buddy

**Timon:**

**Simba:** remember that? remember when you told me that? after my dad was fucking murdered?!

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The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

Mini van roll over results in one fatality.

As the older model Ford Aerostar rolled over the driver was ejected. The vehicle then rolled over the driver, piercing him with the exterior mounted antenna. The driver expired before paramedics arrived.

Medical examiner's report states. The driver died of a Van Aerial Disease.

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While watching an action movie I took a fatal dose of Viagra at Christmas

#Diehard

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Sex could be fatal...

An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.

He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.

The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstin...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

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The Sex Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase smoe see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and...

Some low-level mafia thugs are playing cards... [long-ish]

One of them says, "Where's Joey? He never misses poker night."

His friend says, "Oh, didn't you hear? Joey's dead."

"Awww, that's a shame. How did he die?"

"Well, he went to the doctor last week and found out he had gonorrhoea."

"So? Gonorrhoea isn't fatal."

"It is...

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I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

What do you call it when you get killed by a femboy assassin?

A femme fatality.

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Last week I thought I took a fatal overdose of Viagra

But don't worry, I'm okay now.

But my wife -- she took it pretty hard.

A man goes to the doctor and after the exam the doctor says, “I have some bad news. You have a fatal disease.”

The man says, “Oh my God! Doc, how long have I got?”

The doctor replies, “10.”

The man cries, “I don’t understand…. Ten what? Ten months? Ten weeks?”

To which the Doctor replies, “Nine… eight… seven….”

If Christopher Walken gets an incurable and fatal disease...

Would that make him a dead man Walken?

Dark humor is like a child with a fatal disease

It never gets old

Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.

The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.

St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will pr...

What was the ancient punishment for smoking fatal levels of weed?

You would be stoned to death.

Which plant is fatal if you sit under it too long?

A water lily

My friends and I have a lot of fun riding jet skis That time we had a fatal crash on the coast was especially hilarious.

We littorally died.

COVID 19 infection is asymptomatic in children, but has an elevated fatality rate among the elderly.

They should call it "KO Boomer."

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

I've wanted to become an astronaut ever since I was a kid, but decided not to after I heard about the 60% fatality rate.

Shame too, only 40% off.

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Fatal Attraction

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”

He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nic...

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There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls

We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Gu...

Changing a "C" to a "G" can have fatal consequences...

because some Clockwork suddenly turns into a drive-by shooting.

Diabetes isn't fatal, said my doctor

"That's funny", I thought. They don't call it Liveabetes.

I slept through a burglary once and it was a fatal mistake.

Next thing I knew I was being thrown in a police van.

After a fatal river rise, what did the commander beaver say to all the other beavers?

Dam it.

A man is jumping over some railroad tracks.

He's jumping from side to side over top of them, muttering under his breath each time he lands, "Twenty-one."

"Twenty-one, twenty-one, twenty-one."

Another man walks up next to him. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"I'm jumping over the railroad tracks. Want to join me?"

"Sure!...

Job Fatality in Ireland

An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.

She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"

"Yes, tis" says the priest.

"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She...

How do homeopaths do suicide?

With a fatal underdose.

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

An elderly Norwegian named Lars decided to March to the alter at the ripe old age of 85 with a shapely miss who was only 35.

His Friends Cautioned Him About The Health Hazard Involved, Saying That The Exertion Of Amour Could Prove To Be Fatal. "Vell, Dat's The Chance I'll Have To Take," Said Lars. "If She Dies...She Dies."

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This is very funny, but it’s more of a visual joke than one for here. But it always gets a laugh when you perform it right.

A police detective is called to the scene of a fatal car crash. Inside are two people- a man and a woman... and curiously enough, a little monkey who survived unscathed. The detective is trying to piece together what happened and muses out loud to the monkey- “Boy, I sure wish you could tell me what...

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A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details...

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Be Careful What You Ask For...

There was a guy who was born deformed, he didn't have a body, he was just a head. He had family and a loyal group of friends that would include him and they would usually just carry him under their arm from place to place.

One day he went with friends to a local bar where they sat him on top...

My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.

I almost had to call the popcoroner.

(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said “maybe slow down so you don’t choke on that. I don’t want to have to call the pop coroner”, and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). ...

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An aircraft control tower suddenly last communication with a small twin engine aircraft

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!
He yelled,Mayday, mayday!
The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and h...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoe...

As she lay there in screaming agony...

her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try to undress a woman with his eyes.

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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

Once a panda walked into a restaurant...

...and ordered a hamburger and some fries. The waiter was surprised to see a panda in the bar but served him thinking it to be an intelligent animal as it ordered it's own food.

The panda finished its food and as it saw the waiter approaching it with the bill, it got up and shot him with a pi...

Mods removed my post from r/showerthoughts

I created a post titled “Falling in the shower can be fatal” but the mods removed it DESPITE having that thought in the shower.

So, not only am I missing out on Karma, but I STILL don’t know how to stop myself from bleeding out on the bathroom floor.

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

In the distant future scientists invent a special time machine

It can send messages back to the past, as a dream to a single person.

Because of all the problems Covid-19 caused, they decided to try and warn the world before hand. So a dream message was sent back to the year 2017: "Covid is fatal will arrive in fall 2019. Covid is fatal will arrive in fal...

A man was offroading in the desert.

He was driving over the dunes and past the shrubs and bushes that dotted the landscape, when a sandstorm started blowing over. He figured he'd be fine, but the sand made his engine lock up.

After it had passed, he went out in search for help. The storm disoriented him and blew away his car tr...

The Floor is Lava would have been a great game

But it has a fatal floor.

A Tourist is Trudging Through Australia's Desert

A tourist is trudging through Australia’s Great Victoria Desert. …

He’s completely lost, and he’s quickly running out of water. His vision is rather impaired, and he can tell that he’s only got a few more hours before he’ll pass out.

Suddenly, he accidentally steps on a rattlesnake! Be...

A man working on an imaginary high voltage transformer was found dead in his home.

He had apparently received a fatal shock from the fictitious device.

Investigators who later examined it concluded that this was because it was not grounded in reality.

What’s way more dangerous than people think?

Living. It’s always fatal

Chuck Norris got shot

The bullet suffered fatal injuries.

My mother's star sign was cancer. Ironic how she died, really.

She died due to fatal injuries from a giant crab attack.

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A prison guard gives Bill Cosby and opportunity...

After several brutal years in prison, Bill Cosby is approached by a prison guard who presents him with what seems like a great opportunity.

"Bill," he says, "you've demonstrated good behavior in here for the past couple years despite all the harassment from the other inmates. I know it must n...

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Little Johnny was a fucking idiot...

and his teacher kept saying "You're going to be the death of me." because of how bad he was at all his subjects.

One day, the school had enough and decided to expel little Johnny, and in the meeting with his parents, the principal said "Ma'am, your son cannot stay in this school, he can't rea...

Prince Andrew

I'm so sad, I've just heard the news:
’Prince Andrew’s fatal car crash accident in Paris tunnel’...

Next month.

A lady goes to the doctor...

The doctor uses a stethoscope to measure the heartbeat of the lady and immediately discovered something strange.

Doctor: I'm sorry to say this but it's fatal and you do not have long to live

Lady: How long?

Doctor: Ten

Lady: Ten? Ten what?!

Doctor: Nine...

Three dead improv actors are told that only those who died a horrible death are allowed to enter Heaven due to overcrowding

So, the first thinks for a second and then explains to St. Peter that he got home and found his wife naked in bed in the middle of day. Suspecting adultery, he had searched their 10th floor apartment until he finally found a man hanging from the balcony by his finger nails.

Overcome with jeal...

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Doctors advice to a 92 year old man marrying a 26 year old woman

Doctor: At this age sex can be fatal

Man: I don’t fuckin care if she dies!

A man’s wife is in labor and they rush to the hospital around midday.

When they get there, the doctors inform the Man that they have experimental machines to wirelessly transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father of the child.

Then man, being a tough guy, agrees to bear some of the burden for his wife.

They start at the lowest setting of 1% b...

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A guy goes to the doctor for his test results...

The doc pulls out the patient’s file and says “I’ve got good news and bad news.”

The guy sighs and says, “Well, what’s the bad news?”

“You’ve been eating so much salami, pepperoni, corned beef, bacon, chorizo and prosciutto that you’ve developed a very rare fatal disease.”

“Wha...

A man found a mole on his arm one day.

He'd never seen it before, but he wasn't the most attentive person, so he let it alone. A week passed. Eventually, that mole began to grow, and seemed to bleed into the skin around it. The man asked his wife about it, and she said he should probably get it checked out, but he ignored the advice, ass...

If everyone saw the world through my eyes

there'd be widespread fatalities in transportation and medicine not to mention mass panic as everyone started falling over and bumping into stuff

Did you hear about Stephen Hawking?

His computer suffered a fatal error.

A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit

After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.

The wolf turns to the moose and says "Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It's been a couple days without food. You understand, right?"

The moose says "Yeah, I guess you're right. But...

Two Mexican Brothers

So two brothers, Ramon and Emelio, escape from a prison deep in the Mexican desert. They run for days and days through the hot and and the heat begins to take its toll. They are getting hungrier and thirstier and, all in all, more and more exhausted.
Suddenly, Ramon collapses. He looks up, reach...

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Good ol' Granpa

Grandpa had just told them the news - he was getting engaged to a twenty five year old nymphomaniac.

The family was very concerned. His eldest daughter spoke confidentially to him.

"Dad, we're most concerned that sex with a girl like that could prove fatal."

"So what?", said G...

Yo mama...

....put the Fat in Fatality

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If sex with animals is called beastiality...

Is sex with fat people called fatality?

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The Pope had become seriously ill and was taken to many doctors...

...none of whom could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour's examination the physician came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles, whic...

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A rabbit in his 50s could not get it up anymore,

and since he had a reputation to uphold, he decided to start taking Viagra. The solution worked perfectly for years, until one day they gave him a fatal heart attack.
I guess old rabbits die hard.

Optimist Joe

An optimist by every account, Joe was sitting in the bar when his friends come to him and say, "Joe, how can you call yourself an optimist when bad things are always happening ?" To which Joe replied, "there's always a good side to every situation, you just have to know it."

So, they tell Joe...

My doctor told me I'm a hypochondriac

I think it's fatal

What's Fat Albert's super villain alias?

Fatal Bert.

A man was driving into town and found the road blocked by the local police department . . .

. . . he stepped out of the car and asked the nearest police officer what was going on.

The officer replied, "There has been a fatal accident on this road."

This was a small town, so the officer, figuring the man might know the deceased, asked if he would be willing to help identify th...

3 Brazilian

A blonde was listening to the radio when suddenly she heard "3 Brazilian men died in a fatal car accident." The woman then asked, "How much is a Brazilian?"

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A Jewish Samurai [Long]

Once upon a time there was a competition in Japan to decide who would be the new head samurai. There were 3 contestants, A Jewish Samurai, and Christian Samurai, and a Muslim Samurai. The emperor of Japan says to the Muslim Samurai to go first, so, The Muslim Samurai spots a bee and slices it clean ...

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are yo...

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The Mexican Restaurant.

I was working in South Texas on the border, and my coworker and I decided to drive in to Mexico to watch an authentic bullfight. It was in a small, semi-pro ring. We watched amateurs and semi pro matadors fighting, and actually killing, the bulls. It was brutally fascinating. The final fight was...

The Make-A-Wish foundation and a child

*Offensive*

A cheerful child is diagnosed with a fatal cancer and doesn't have long to live even with modern treatment, making the child extremely melancholy. As such, the Make-A-Wish foundation approaches the child and his family to provide a single wish. When asked what the child wants, he ...

Three Men Arrive At the Pearly Gates

...and St. Peter, as he is wont to do, asks them how they got there.

The first man says "I got back to my apartment early from work. I found my wife lying on our bed naked, clearly excited and I put two and two together. I ran out to the living room and looked out the window. Down on the stre...

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