UPJOKE
slaughterdispatchpoisonwipe outelectrocutedecimatesuicidedestroykillinghithomicidedeathslayassassinateeuthanasia

Killing Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

Reddit is killing third-party applications (and itself). Read more in this post.

>!More!<

My friend once asked, “if killing your father is patricide and killing your mother is matricide what is it called when you kill your spouse?”

I responded, “pesticide”

I've been charged with killing a man with sandpaper

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit

A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...

A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by s...

A man is on trial for killing and eating a spotted owl.

He tells the judge, "I'm sorry it was endangered, but I had been lost in the woods for five days and I was starving." The judge deliberates a while and dismisses the case. Before the man leaves the judge whispers, "Between you and me, how did it taste?" The man replies, "It was sort of like a cross ...

A bus driver was called into court for killing 24 children and 6 adults

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but ...

Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?

It’s the only time I’m ever wanted

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

My doctor told me to start killing people.

Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.

Vampires love to bite throats, killing people & then returning them to life

Because vampires are neck romancers

Donald Trump said in an interview that he would consider killing himself if he ever had Alzheimer's Disease.

Sadly, the interviewer didn't have the presence of mind to say, "I know. You've said that already."

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

When I heard that terrorists were killing farmers by putting C4 in their cattle I was horrified...

It's abombinabull!

I hate when during a dinner party someone brings up how inhumane killing cows is.

They really know how to kill the moo

Did you hear about the rapper who made a killing in the stock market?

Lil' Nas Daq

“I’m thinking about killing off the main character in this book I’m writing.”

“What type of book is it?”

“An autobiography.”

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled. "What happened to you?"...

So I went into the pharmacy this morning and asked the assistant what the best thing would be for killing germs...

he said Ammonia Cleaner, so I apologized, as I thought he worked there.

I find it strange how everyone suddenly cares about straws killing dolphins...

They've been breaking camels' backs for years.

Killing Time.

Lads if you are bored! Phone up women's rights groups...

And ask to speak to the man in charge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

I'm not saying woke culture is killing comedy...

..., but when I made a joke about my obesity, the crowd booed me and told me "How dare you!? You're handsome!"

CIA finally succeeded in killing Fidel Castro

Using the innovative 'Old age' technique

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

"Killing grannies

and smacking fannies." — Gov. Andrew Cuomo

They say Lizzie Borden didn’t plan on chopping up her parents, and it was a mercy killing.

She was known for her Random Axe of Kindness.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A serial killer goes on a killing spree

He then skins all the faces off his victim and puts them in giant scrapbook.


The scrapbook is then tied to a post which he erects on his front lawn. It is quite a gruesome sight to behold.


Naturally the police find him pretty easily.


When he gets to court though his ...

I'm making a killing selling home security systems...

All I do is say "Hello" at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed.

I once put a scrabble tile into a Nerf gun and shot it at my friend, killing him instantly.

It was an accident though, I thought it was a blank.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.