UPJOKE
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People tend to avoid me, since I have schizophrenia...

But at least I have each other.

If you suffer from schizophrenia

Don’t worry, you’re not alone

Doc, is it true? Do I have schizophrenia?

Jim, who are you talking to?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizoph...

My roommate keeps telling me that I have schizophrenia

But jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

They said that schizophrenia is an illness and I should take medication.

But look who’s over here not lonely during the quarantine!

Mental illness joke. (I have this illness so I'm laughing at myself) I used to have a beautiful girlfriend who loved and cherished me before I got diagnosed with Schizophrenia

Then they put me on some pills and she disappeared

Doctor said I've got something called "paranoid schizophrenia,"

but, then he turned into a desk lamp, so, I'm pretty sure he's out to get me.

When people speak to God it's called praying...

And when God speaks to you it's called schizophrenia.

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds

Because every time I take them she goes away

i went to go tell my best friend about the new schizophrenia meds i got today...

i literally cannot find him anywhere.

People always tell me I have schizophrenia

But the voices in my head say otherwise

Did you hear about the guy who had ADD and schizophrenia?

He heard voices, but could never pay attention long enough to them to do anything crazy.

Well I may have schizophrenia...

...but at least I have each other!

The best part of having schizophrenia...

...is all the friends I've made

I think our parrot has schizophrenia or something.

Whenever I get home from work and my wife's in bed he tells me that Geoffrey just left.

My friend's a police detective and has been diagnosed with severe schizophrenia. He first realized there was a problem...

...when he started to question himself...

I was thinking about getting rid of my schizophrenia...

...but now I'm having second thoughts.

My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD.

Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane.

Schizophrenia is nothing to joke about

That's what my pet rock told me

I got kicked out of schizophrenia group therapy yesterday.

I was just trying to be polite but I guess it was wrong to say "Don't mind me, guys. Pretend I'm not here."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have the best way to deal with my gf

When she starts bitching about shit, I just take my schizophrenia meds and she straight up leaves me alone for a full day

How many schizophrenia patients do you need to fix a lightbulb?

Just one, his friend will hold the ladder.

I thought I had schizophrenia.

Turns out it was my wife saying: "You treat me like I don't exist."

My mother's sister is on heavy duty medication for schizophrenia.

I call her Aunty Psychotic.

Two friends are sitting at a bar, one has schizophrenia. Suddenly the schizophrenic starts bursting out laughing, and it takes a few minutes for him to calm down.

When he finally does, he says "sorry, it's a inside joke".

My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia.

But the good news is I started seeing someone.

A doctor diagnosed me with...

... Paranoid Schizophrenia.
But he's just out to get me. So are you.

... Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Which means I am AWESOME!

... Multiple Personality Disorder.
But we don't believe him.

... Expressive Aphasia.
Cheddar concrete levitates archetypal moonbeams...

When I was younger I thought I had schizophrenia...

I guess it was all in my head

My roommate thinks I have schizophrenia

Which is weird because I live alone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some “magic” beans.

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”

“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.

“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually ...

My father has schizophrenia,

but he’s good people.

I hate the stigma around mental health

Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.

Man my girlfriend is stupid.

Just because I take my schizophrenia medication doesn’t mean she has to leave me.

Together,

I can beat schizophrenia.

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?

Schizophrenia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A graduate student in psychology

A psychology graduate student working at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate the mental condition of three patients in a local mental institution and assess their possibilities for reintegration into society.

The facility was well funded and nicer than the student ex...

I was always told “you lose a lot of friends after deciding to better yourself”

I never believed it until all of my friends disappeared after I started taking my schizophrenia medication

Lots of people get ads on their phone for things they talked about.

Why do I get ads for schizophrenia medicine??

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have schizophrenia.

And so do I...

People always say I fall for the slippery slope fallacy...

What’s next? Schizophrenia? Psychosis ?

A redditor and his girlfriend walk into a bar.

The bartender says “What can I get you?”

The redditor says, “Schizophrenia pills.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dog walks into a bar

The bartender asks “What can I get you?” The dog doesn’t say anything, because dogs can’t talk.

The bartender realizes that trying to have a conversation with a dog is a sign that something might be going wrong with him mentally, so he goes to see a therapist. The therapist diagnoses him wit...

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Hit me with the bad news first, doc.

Doctor: It appears you suffer from Schizophrenia.

Man: That can't be right, I want a second opinion!

Doctor: Well, there's your good news.

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