UPJOKE
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When people speak to God it's called praying...

And when God speaks to you it's called schizophrenia.

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds

Because every time I take them she goes away

Doc, is it true? Do I have schizophrenia?

Jim, who are you talking to?

People tend to avoid me, since I have schizophrenia...

But at least I have each other.

Doctor said I've got something called "paranoid schizophrenia,"

but, then he turned into a desk lamp, so, I'm pretty sure he's out to get me.

They said that schizophrenia is an illness and I should take medication.

But look who’s over here not lonely during the quarantine!

If you suffer from schizophrenia

Don’t worry, you’re not alone

The best part of having schizophrenia...

...is all the friends I've made

People always tell me I have schizophrenia

But the voices in my head say otherwise

Mental illness joke. (I have this illness so I'm laughing at myself) I used to have a beautiful girlfriend who loved and cherished me before I got diagnosed with Schizophrenia

Then they put me on some pills and she disappeared

I was thinking about getting rid of my schizophrenia...

...but now I'm having second thoughts.

Did you hear about the guy who had ADD and schizophrenia?

He heard voices, but could never pay attention long enough to them to do anything crazy.

Two friends are sitting at a bar, one has schizophrenia. Suddenly the schizophrenic starts bursting out laughing, and it takes a few minutes for him to calm down.

When he finally does, he says "sorry, it's a inside joke".

I think our parrot has schizophrenia or something.

Whenever I get home from work and my wife's in bed he tells me that Geoffrey just left.

How many schizophrenia patients do you need to fix a lightbulb?

Just one, his friend will hold the ladder.

A doctor diagnosed me with...

... Paranoid Schizophrenia.
But he's just out to get me. So are you.

... Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Which means I am AWESOME!

... Multiple Personality Disorder.
But we don't believe him.

... Expressive Aphasia.
Cheddar concrete levitates archetypal moonbeams...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have the best way to deal with my gf

When she starts bitching about shit, I just take my schizophrenia meds and she straight up leaves me alone for a full day

My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD.

Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane.

Schizophrenia is nothing to joke about

That's what my pet rock told me

Well I may have schizophrenia...

...but at least I have each other!

How many schizophrenia patients does it take to change a light bulb?

Who said that?

My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia.

But the good news is I started seeing someone.

My friend's a police detective and has been diagnosed with severe schizophrenia. He first realized there was a problem...

...when he started to question himself...

I hate the stigma around mental health

Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.

Roses are red, violets are blue

I have schizophrenia,
And so do I.

Today I was told I am developing schizophrenia

I guess I'll finally have a social life

I got kicked out of schizophrenia group therapy yesterday.

I was just trying to be polite but I guess it was wrong to say "Don't mind me, guys. Pretend I'm not here."

My roommate thinks I have schizophrenia

Which is weird because I live alone.

My mother's sister is on heavy duty medication for schizophrenia.

I call her Aunty Psychotic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

I have a childhood friend who has suffered from schizophrenia his whole life. In fact, he never moved out…

He still lives in my head.

Man my girlfriend is stupid.

Just because I take my schizophrenia medication doesn’t mean she has to leave me.

My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia.

Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

Positive quote on living with Schizophrenia disorder

There is always someone there who cares for you without your knowledge

I thought I had schizophrenia.

Turns out it was my wife saying: "You treat me like I don't exist."

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?

Schizophrenia.

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Hit me with the bad news first, doc.

Doctor: It appears you suffer from Schizophrenia.

Man: That can't be right, I want a second opinion!

Doctor: Well, there's your good news.

A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some “magic” beans.

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”

“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.

“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually ...

My father has schizophrenia,

but he’s good people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I am in a room with Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and Benito Mussolini....

Then I am probably suffering from Schizophrenia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A graduate student in psychology

A psychology graduate student working at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate the mental condition of three patients in a local mental institution and assess their possibilities for reintegration into society.

The facility was well funded and nicer than the student ex...

Lots of people get ads on their phone for things they talked about.

Why do I get ads for schizophrenia medicine??

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mental health hotline.



Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.


If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.


If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.


If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.


If y...

People always say I fall for the slippery slope fallacy...

What’s next? Schizophrenia? Psychosis ?

A redditor and his girlfriend walk into a bar.

The bartender says “What can I get you?”

The redditor says, “Schizophrenia pills.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dog walks into a bar

The bartender asks “What can I get you?” The dog doesn’t say anything, because dogs can’t talk.

The bartender realizes that trying to have a conversation with a dog is a sign that something might be going wrong with him mentally, so he goes to see a therapist. The therapist diagnoses him wit...

I'm an armchair psychologist

Yesterday I diagnosed a Lazyboy with schizophrenia

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