This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist says I have schizophrenia

Jokes on her I don't even have a therapist

People tend to avoid me, since I have schizophrenia...

But at least I have each other.

Doc, is it true? Do I have schizophrenia?

Jim, who are you talking to?

Mental illness joke. (I have this illness so I'm laughing at myself) I used to have a beautiful girlfriend who loved and cherished me before I got diagnosed with Schizophrenia

Then they put me on some pills and she disappeared

If you suffer from schizophrenia

Don’t worry, you’re not alone

My roommate keeps telling me that I have schizophrenia

But jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.

Doctor said I've got something called "paranoid schizophrenia,"

but, then he turned into a desk lamp, so, I'm pretty sure he's out to get me.

My psych recommended me some pills to deal with my schizophrenia

I haven’t seen him since

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds

Because every time I take them she goes away

They said that schizophrenia is an illness and I should take medication.

But look who’s over here not lonely during the quarantine!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizoph...

When people speak to God it's called praying...

And when God speaks to you it's called schizophrenia.

My girlfriend dared me to take schizophrenia meds.

Now she's gone missing.

My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD.

Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane.

The best part of having schizophrenia...

...is all the friends I've made

i went to go tell my best friend about the new schizophrenia meds i got today...

i literally cannot find him anywhere.

I think our parrot has schizophrenia or something.

Whenever I get home from work and my wife's in bed he tells me that Geoffrey just left.

Two friends are sitting at a bar, one has schizophrenia. Suddenly the schizophrenic starts bursting out laughing, and it takes a few minutes for him to calm down.

When he finally does, he says "sorry, it's a inside joke".

I was thinking about getting rid of my schizophrenia...

...but now I'm having second thoughts.

I have good friends, a wife that loves me, and a family that respects me

You want me to leave that behind and take my schizophrenia medication?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have the best way to deal with my gf

When she starts bitching about shit, I just take my schizophrenia meds and she straight up leaves me alone for a full day

How many schizophrenia patients do you need to fix a lightbulb?

Just one, his friend will hold the ladder.

My mother's sister is on heavy duty medication for schizophrenia.

I call her Aunty Psychotic.

My friend's a police detective and has been diagnosed with severe schizophrenia. He first realized there was a problem...

...when he started to question himself...

Schizophrenia is nothing to joke about

That's what my pet rock told me

My psychiatrist sent me the bill for diagnosing me with schizophrenia.

I think we'll split the cost.

When I was younger I thought I had schizophrenia...

I guess it was all in my head

A doctor diagnosed me with...

... Paranoid Schizophrenia.
But he's just out to get me. So are you.

... Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Which means I am AWESOME!

... Multiple Personality Disorder.
But we don't believe him.

... Expressive Aphasia.
Cheddar concrete levitates archetypal moonbeams...

People always say I fall for the slippery slope fallacy...

What’s next? Schizophrenia? Psychosis ?

I thought I had schizophrenia.

Turns out it was my wife saying: "You treat me like I don't exist."

Did you hear about the guy who had ADD and schizophrenia?

He heard voices, but could never pay attention long enough to them to do anything crazy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

My father has schizophrenia,

but he’s good people.

I hate the stigma around mental health

Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.

My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia.

But the good news is I started seeing someone.

Together,

I can beat schizophrenia.

A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?

Schizophrenia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapy, outdoors

Psychotherapist: Dan, why do you insist on having our sessions in the park? Your schizophrenia has nothing to do with your chance to get infected.

Dan: Sorry doc, just following guidelines - we don't want to crowd more than 30 people in a closed space.

10 little monkeys

10 little monkeys were jumping on the bed.



One fell off and bumped his head.



Mama called the doctor and the doctor said:



Take your schizophrenia pill f***ing idiot.

My roommate thinks I have schizophrenia

Which is weird because I live alone.

Man my girlfriend is stupid.

Just because I take my schizophrenia medication doesn’t mean she has to leave me.

A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some “magic” beans.

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”

“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.

“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually ...

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have schizophrenia.

And so do I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A graduate student in psychology

A psychology graduate student working at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate the mental condition of three patients in a local mental institution and assess their possibilities for reintegration into society.

The facility was well funded and nicer than the student ex...

A redditor and his girlfriend walk into a bar.

The bartender says “What can I get you?”

The redditor says, “Schizophrenia pills.”

The world would have seen fewer gods

if schizophrenia was recognised early on.

Alone, I'm a loser

But together, we have schizophrenia.

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Hit me with the bad news first, doc.

Doctor: It appears you suffer from Schizophrenia.

Man: That can't be right, I want a second opinion!

Doctor: Well, there's your good news.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.