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Terrorist Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is a terrorist so good at sex?

Because he trains himself to blow things

Where do terrorists go when they die?

Everywhere

How do terrorists feed their kids?

"Vrroooom here comes the plane." "Vrroooom here comes the second plane."

What does a Terrorist Photographer do?

Photobomb

What do you call a low budget terrorist attack?

7/11

I accidentally started a worldwide terrorist organization.

I just didn’t expect it to blow up so much

What makes terrorist jokes funny?

The execution.

What do parents feeding their kids and terrorist have in common?

“Here comes the airplane!”

What does a terrorist and a cue ball have in common?

The harder you hit it the more English you get.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a terrorist's favorite sex toy?

A blow-up doll

Did you hear about that new terrorist movie?

It was a box office bomb

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about.

Terrorist: We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.

Waiter: Why a donkey?

Then one terrorist says to the other, “See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people”.

What did the trendy terrorist wear to the fashion exhibition?

A bomber jacket

Not every Muslim is a terrorist...

Only 9 / 11 are.

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the difference between a terrorist and a prostitute?

The terrorist blows for free.

What do you call a group of terrorists in a pool?

A bath bomb!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

What do you call a buff terrorist?

Osama Bin Liftin

So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization...

...when will the U.S. government start arming them?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp?

I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot

Why did the influencer terrorist get arrested?

Because his tick tock blew up…

What does an Al Qaida terrorist and a flexible man have in common?

They can blow themselves

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

Chuck Norris got ambushed by terrorists with a $5,000,000 ransom

If the money wasn’t paid within 24 hours, the terrorists would be beheaded

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, terrorists attacked a village [NSFW]

Warning : A joke from my own language. Terrible grammar ahead.

They took the men of village as hostages. The head of terrorists wanted to have some fun this time. He called the wives of the men to the camp of terrorists. He put bandage to women's eyes and told men to lose their pants. Terrori...

Terrorist

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being char...

What did the terrorist say after leaving the comedy show?

Wow, this blew up!

What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist

What do you call a terrorist's girlfriend?

A Guantanamo Bae


Thought of this one earlier and just had to share

Terrorists

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Cars were at a stand still. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and t...

What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?

RCXD

A terrorist is holding dad at gunpoint

"Say your last words!"

"Your last words!"

-






Since this is now on the front page, hello world. Buy shares in hair, I hear it's growing.

And now, [a short intermission](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0wOD9TWynM). Albatrosses will be served shortly.

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:

Driver: What's going on?

Policeman: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a terrorists favorite drink?

A molotov cocktail

How do you greet a terrorist on a plane?

Hi, Jack!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

I made a joke about terrorists last week

It really blew up

Why did the terrorist listen to Metallica on his way to the airport?

Because they haven't set off a metal detector since 1992!

What's the difference between a banjo player terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathizers.

Bonus joke:

What's the difference between a banjo and an AK-47?

>!The AK only repeats thirty times.!<

I know quite a few terrorist.....

They are all mind blowin people.

So, if terrorists had kids...

Would they say “Here comes the Airplane!” and just shove the spoon around the child’s face?

A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.

When I heard that terrorists were killing farmers by putting C4 in their cattle I was horrified...

It's abombinabull!

Some soldiers were chasing some terrorists!

Some soldiers were chasing some terrorists,

The terrorists run away and come across a large meadow with a well in the middle and, a forest at the end. They decided to hide in the well.

When the soldiers came by, they started discussing where the terrorists could have escaped, one thoug...

What is a terrorist’s favourite seat on the plane?

C-4.

What do you call an attractive lady terrorist?

A Ji-hottie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What Did the Muslim Terrorist Say?

Who you gota blow to get some virgins around here?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evi...

Why did the terrorist's wife leave him?

She didn't know what jihad.

What do you call Redneck Terrorists?

Y’all Qaeda

What's the difference between Muslim and a terrorist?

I don't know, I just sign executive orders.

I'll be here all week.

A CIA Agent, KGB spy and AISE operative were sent to infiltrate a terrorist cell.

The terrorists figured out the three were infiltrators and thus captured them.

The terrorists decided to torture the three infiltrators. They started with the CIA agent.

“Do not worry, for I have been trained in the United State’s most insidious enhanced interrogation techniques and h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't die a virgin.

Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A terrorist group decides to hold a public castration of three villagers.

They ask to the first villager for his occupation. When he says that he's a woodsman they castrate him with an axe.

Then they ask to the second villager. Frightened, he says that he's a farmer. They castrate him with a sickle.

When the turn comes to the third villager they see that he ...

A terrorist walks into a bar

Bartender : OK boomer.

Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint-

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"

Dad: "Your last words!"

Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"

Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"

Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"

Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I sa...

How did Isis move from 5th wanted terrorist group to the most wanted terrorist group?

They cut a head

How many terrorists jokes are out there?

You'll have to c-4 yourself.

what do you call a terrorist shrimp?

A bomb in-acean

A terrorist commander is interviewing for a suicide bomber position...

"So good news-there is a sudden vacancy. We couldn't track down any of your recs, which is great. I just have one final question-where do you see yourself in the \*glances at watch\* next five minutes?"

You hear about the Polish terrorist at the spa?

He came in with bath bombs strapped to his chest

A Terrorist goes to a psychiatrist

the psychiatrist diagnosed him with being self-destructive.

Why do terrorists hate telemarketers?

The telemarketers keep blowing up their phones at meetings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Local terrorists used school as hostage.

The quiet kid at school: “You picked the wrong school motherfuckers.”

Which car does a terrorist choose to plant a car bomb?

A Citroën C4.

Do you know how terrorists reassure others?

come on, this will be a total blast!

What do you call a terrorist who delivers food on the side?

Door Daesh

Oh No! Not ELON!

Man is driving along the freeway when he is stopped by a huge traffic jam.

After sitting there for quite a long time, he sees another man walking from car-to-car.

The second man finally gets up to his car. He rolls down the window....

"Hey man, what's going on up ahead?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided to sell some of my guns today

Times are rough, inflation is a bitch, and I need the cash so I decided to sell some of my guns.

I met the buyer at a public location, and being a responsible gun owner I decided to run a background check.

Within 5 minutes I discovered the buyer has a history of extortion, kidnapping, ...

What’s a terrorist’s favorite dish?

Dynamite shrimp

A dog attacks a little girl

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: \- "You are a hero, tomorrow ...

A guy walks in to a bar and there's a terrorist behind the bar...

He orders a scotch on the rocks and the bartender picks up one cube and says " you like ice?"
The guy says " yea, but more than one"
So the bartender picks up a handful of ice in his other hand and says " oh.... so you like ... ices?"

Where do terrorists go for a drink?

At the Allahu-ak Bar

When my dad turned 40 he left me and my mom and went to Syria to become a terrorist.

I guess he's just going through his midlife ISIS.

Why did the terrorist blow up the winery?

Because it was full of Zinfandels.

BREAKING: A dyslexic terrorist had stormed the zoo

He has taken 6 ostriches

Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar rans...

What can both a successful Redditor and a surprised Terrorist say?

EDIT: Wow I had no idea this would blow up

A terrorist walks into a store

"How much for this bomb?" he asks.

"$500", said the clerk.

"Will you take $450?" asks the terrorist.

"I'm sorry sir," replies the clerk, "We don't negotiate with terrorists."

Congress has been hijacked by terrorists:

Washington DC is at a standstill and traffic is stuck in gridlock.

A man in a car is waiting patiently for the traffic to clear up but doesn't understand why it's there in the first place.

Another man is walking down the side of the highway with a bucket knocking on people's windows an...

I just found out that Murrah building domestic terrorist accomplice Terry Nichols is still alive at 67 years old.

OK Boomer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A terrorist posts on reddit.

His post blows up. He meets 72 virgins. His day could not be better.

I was held captive by some French-Canadian terrorists...

They forced me to eat hundreds of meat pies.

It was tourtière.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pakistan president calls to Obama in the morning

And says "I'm sorry to hear about the terrorist attacks in New York, I wanted to be the first one to call and show my support to America"

After a pause Obama replies "What attack? I have no news of such attacks yet"

A dramatic silence prevails

After a while Obama hears a voice ...

Where does a Terrorist go when he dies?

Everywhere!!

Disclaimer: Another one my Student told me.

What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital?

... Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Terrorist lessons

there is a school in afghanistan where people get teached how to be a terrorist;

the first day the teacher pick up some liquids and write a formula on the chalkboard "one part the yellow liquid, 2 parts the green liquid and 25g of this black powder"
everyone take notes and see the teacher ...

A terrorist had two cases at home...

he stuffed one of them with explosives and headed to the metro. Once inside a wagon he waited until the doors were closed and shouted "Infidels!! now you will die!". Fortunately, that was not the case.

What’s an optometrist’s favourite terrorist group?

Iris

Apparently calling people terrorists if offensive now.

Ive been told the correct term is government contractors.

Terrorists are mindblowing

Literally

Attending Jihadi terrorist school

has really been a blast.

What does a redditor being paid by a terrorist say?

EDIT: Wow! This really blew up. Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

A terrorist is teaching a class

He carefully puts on a jacket loaded with explosives and, turning to his pupils, says:

"Now watch carefully, because I'm only going to do this once!"

How do we call an old ISIS terrorist?

A boomer.

Proud Terrorist discussing his kids

Yep, they blow up so fast!

What's a terrorists least favorite wine?

White Infidel

Why do terrorist use Nokia phones?

so they can reuse the phone after the explosion

Did you hear about the terrorist comedian?

He was actually quite funny...
He just blew the delivery.

(I'll show myself out)

Had Mexican terrorist cuisine for lunch today...

The ricin beans were delicious.

What did I do when a terrorist attacked?

Iran

Did you hear about the Terrorist Chef?

He wrote a Menufeasto

Did you hear about the Trump terrorist who tried to blow up a car?

He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.

The terrorist behind the underwear bomb died today.

Which is good. Because no one likes a guy who goes off in his pants.

The master plan the terrorists had drafted for Jan 6th

Here's the plan the terrorists came up with that seemed to have worked so brilliantly for everything else they had seen in the internet:

1. Storm the Capitol

2. ???

3. Profit

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