UPJOKE
fearviolenceterrorterrorisminsurgentviolentattacksextremistmilitanthorrorhorrificradicalterriblehorrendousjihad

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Why is a terrorist so good at sex?

Because he trains himself to blow things

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What do terrorists and masturbating in an airplane have in common?

Hijacking

How do terrorists feed their kids?

"Vrroooom here comes the plane." "Vrroooom here comes the second plane."

During my flight, I stopped a terrorist from killing more than 300 hundred people.

Through self-control.

What does a Terrorist Photographer do?

Photobomb

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What is a terrorist's favorite sex toy?

A blow-up doll

Where do terrorists go when they die?

Everywhere

I accidentally started a worldwide terrorist organization.

I just didn’t expect it to blow up so much

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What do people that masturbate on mount Everest and terrorists on a plane have in common?

They are all hijacking.

I'm sorry and I will let myself out.

What do you call a low budget terrorist attack?

7/11

What does a terrorist and a cue ball have in common?

The harder you hit it the more English you get.

What makes terrorist jokes funny?

The execution.

Did you hear about that new terrorist movie?

It was a box office bomb

What is a group of singing terrorists called?

a taliband

What's the difference between a terrorist training camp and a hospital?

I don't know, I'm just a simple drone pilot.

A basketball player, a Mexican, and a terrorist are all on a plane. Long

The plane is going super slow so they all got rid of some weight. The basketball player said, "I have a ton of basketballs, I don't need this many," and threw some off the plane. The Mexican said, "I have a ton of tacos, I don't need this many," and threw some off the plane. The terrorist said, "I h...

What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?

An RC-XD

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"

Dad: "Your last words!"

Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"

Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"

Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"

Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I sa...

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization...

...when will the U.S. government start arming them?

What did the trendy terrorist wear to the fashion exhibition?

A bomber jacket

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One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evi...

What's the difference between a woman and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist......

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick from a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

What did the terrorist say after leaving the comedy show?

Wow, this blew up!

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar

The waiter asks them what the discussion was about.

Terrorist: We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.

Waiter: Why a donkey?

Then one terrorist says to the other, “See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people”.

Which car does a terrorist choose to plant a car bomb?

A Citroën C4.

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A terrorist on a suicide mission

So while the other terrorists were wrapping him with all kind of bombs they looked him in the eye and told him: you're going on a suicide mission so don't fail us. The terrorist replied: I'm prepared to die!!
And so they sent him to the city and he goes to a school and he calls the base: should I...

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When a male ISIS terrorist go to heaven, they meet 10.000 virgins.

They are all male ISIS terrorists.

What do you call a buff terrorist?

Osama Bin Liftin

A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

Terrorist

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being char...

A guy walks in to a bar and there's a terrorist behind the bar...

He orders a scotch on the rocks and the bartender picks up one cube and says " you like ice?"
The guy says " yea, but more than one"
So the bartender picks up a handful of ice in his other hand and says " oh.... so you like ... ices?"

Why did the influencer terrorist get arrested?

Because his tick tock blew up…

What's the difference between a banjo player terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathizers.

Bonus joke:

What's the difference between a banjo and an AK-47?

>!The AK only repeats thirty times.!<

What do you call a terrorist who delivers food on the side?

Door Daesh

What do cowardly terrorists and my Reddit posts have in common?

None of them blew up yet

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:

Driver: What's going on?

Policeman: ...

what do you call a terrorist shrimp?

A bomb in-acean

When my dad turned 40 he left me and my mom and went to Syria to become a terrorist.

I guess he's just going through his midlife ISIS.

What can both a successful Redditor and a surprised Terrorist say?

EDIT: Wow I had no idea this would blow up

You hear about the Polish terrorist at the spa?

He came in with bath bombs strapped to his chest

What do you call an attractive lady terrorist?

A Ji-hottie

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A Black Man, a Mexican, and a White Man Got Lost Canoeing.

They reached an island ruled by terrorists. The terrorists wanted to kill the entire crew. However, after seeing the white man, the terrorists had a proposal. If the combined length of the mens' penises measured 1 foot, then the men would be set free. The Black man's dick measured 6 inches. The Whit...

What’s a terrorist’s favorite dish?

Dynamite shrimp

During an airplane hijacking

Terrorist: "Everyone be quiet or I'll kill you! You there, what's your name?"


She: "My name is Susan."


Terrorist: "Susan, you stay alive. My mother's name is Susan, too. And you there? What's your name?"


Him: "My name is Peter, but my friends call me Susan."

Not every Muslim is a terrorist...

Only 9 / 11 are.

I was held captive by some French-Canadian terrorists...

They forced me to eat hundreds of meat pies.

It was tourtière.

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

I know quite a few terrorist.....

They are all mind blowin people.

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One day, terrorists attacked a village [NSFW]

Warning : A joke from my own language. Terrible grammar ahead.

They took the men of village as hostages. The head of terrorists wanted to have some fun this time. He called the wives of the men to the camp of terrorists. He put bandage to women's eyes and told men to lose their pants. Terrori...

A terrorist walks into a bar

Bartender : OK boomer.

Do you know how terrorists reassure others?

come on, this will be a total blast!

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Local terrorists used school as hostage.

The quiet kid at school: “You picked the wrong school motherfuckers.”

A Terrorist goes to a psychiatrist

the psychiatrist diagnosed him with being self-destructive.

Why did the terrorist's wife leave him?

She didn't know what jihad.

Why do terrorists hate telemarketers?

The telemarketers keep blowing up their phones at meetings.

What do you call Redneck Terrorists?

Y’all Qaeda

A terrorist is holding dad at gunpoint

"Say your last words!"

"Your last words!"

-






Since this is now on the front page, hello world. Buy shares in hair, I hear it's growing.

And now, [a short intermission](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0wOD9TWynM). Albatrosses will be served shortly.

What did the terrorist say to his teammates?

We rush B but plant at A.

Terrorists

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Cars were at a stand still. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and t...

What did one terrorist tell the other terrorist when asked where to get explosives?

"See for yourself."

Heard about the terrorists attack on the coffee shop?

100% arabica

Did you hear about the Trump terrorist who tried to blow up a car?

He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe.

What's the difference between Muslim and a terrorist?

I don't know, I just sign executive orders.

I'll be here all week.

A joke translated from Vietnamese.

In a conference, USA repesentatives complained that the Vietnamese were so uncivilized, they often pee illegally in public and in plain sight. The Vietnam side denied and say that wasn’t true. The US responsed that tonight, they will carry m4, patrol around Ho Guom lake and execute all those who pee...

Congress has been hijacked by terrorists:

Washington DC is at a standstill and traffic is stuck in gridlock.

A man in a car is waiting patiently for the traffic to clear up but doesn't understand why it's there in the first place.

Another man is walking down the side of the highway with a bucket knocking on people's windows an...

Where does a Terrorist go when he dies?

Everywhere!!

Disclaimer: Another one my Student told me.

A old woman was arrested on terrorism charges today

A elderly woman was arrested on terrorism charges at Heathrow airport today.

She had tried to bring a bomb onto a plane with her.

When questioned as to why she did such a thing she said she was deathly afraid of her plane being blown up by a terrorist and thought the chances of two bom...

A mathematician is afraid of flying because of the risk of a terrorist bombing it in mid air. So he takes a bomb in his hand baggage

"The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero.

How do we call an old ISIS terrorist?

A boomer.

We are in DEEP trouble!

The Population of this country is 310 million. 160 Million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. Which leaves 55 million to do the work. Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 20 million to do the work. 2.8 million are ...

A terrorist walks into a store

"How much for this bomb?" he asks.

"$500", said the clerk.

"Will you take $450?" asks the terrorist.

"I'm sorry sir," replies the clerk, "We don't negotiate with terrorists."

Why did the terrorist blow up the winery?

Because it was full of Zinfandels.

BREAKING: A dyslexic terrorist had stormed the zoo

He has taken 6 ostriches

Bullies at school make fun of me and call me a terrorist because my name is Victor...

Tomorrow, I'll bring big brother Vector! He will teach them...

How did Isis move from 5th wanted terrorist group to the most wanted terrorist group?

They cut a head

Terrorists have hijacked a plane filled with politicians...

They say they will release one politician per hour if their demands aren't met.

I tried telling a terrorist joke today and it didn't go too well...

It pretty much blew up in my face.

Apparently calling people terrorists if offensive now.

Ive been told the correct term is government contractors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What Did the Muslim Terrorist Say?

Who you gota blow to get some virgins around here?

What did the terrorist do when his kidneys failed?

Dial-ISIS

The master plan the terrorists had drafted for Jan 6th

Here's the plan the terrorists came up with that seemed to have worked so brilliantly for everything else they had seen in the internet:

1. Storm the Capitol

2. ???

3. Profit

What does a redditor being paid by a terrorist say?

EDIT: Wow! This really blew up. Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

What do you call a terrorist's girlfriend?

A Guantanamo Bae


Thought of this one earlier and just had to share

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

What’s an optometrist’s favourite terrorist group?

Iris

Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar rans...

Two Secret Service agents are intercepting a black box from a terrorist when they finally corner him and capture him

They interrogate him and ask him to hand over the box and maybe he'll live for another day. The terrorist barks, "You'll have to pry it from my dead cold hands!" One of the agents then proceeds to throw the terrorist into a large refridgerating chamber overnight. The next day, the terrorist was f...

Ibises are actually part of an undercover terrorist organisation, and I know who their leader is...

...Osama Bin Chicken.

This may go over your heads if you're not Australian. We call Ibises 'bin chickens'.

When I was in middle school, I was kidnapped by a terrorist organization.

Al-gebra.

A terrorist is teaching a class

He carefully puts on a jacket loaded with explosives and, turning to his pupils, says:

"Now watch carefully, because I'm only going to do this once!"

What would you call Captain Planet if he fought ghosts instead of eco-terrorists?

Captain Planchette.

A group of terrorist just hijacked a building full of congressmen...

...They laid their intent and threatened everyone should they not follow that they would release one congressman every hour

Attending Jihadi terrorist school

has really been a blast.

A statistician gets on a plane.

A Statistician gets on a plane. Guy next to him says "I'm scared of flying." The statistician says "I used to be. I used to be worried about terrorists." The guy asks "How'd you stop being scared?" The statistician says "I bought a bomb on the plane." Panicked, the guy yells "What!?"

Stati...

Why did the soldier and the terrorist go on a date?

Because, the soldier was ordered to take him out

What's a terrorists least favorite wine?

White Infidel

Did you hear about the terrorist comedian?

He was actually quite funny...
He just blew the delivery.

(I'll show myself out)

A terrorist struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...

"Abominable. Simply abominable."

How does Trump differ from terrorist organisations?

Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.

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