UPJOKE
assaultcounterattackstrikeassailfireblitzraidbombardcriticismbombaggressblastattemptonslaughtbombing

President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon

Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, terrorists attacked a village [NSFW]

Warning : A joke from my own language. Terrible grammar ahead.

They took the men of village as hostages. The head of terrorists wanted to have some fun this time. He called the wives of the men to the camp of terrorists. He put bandage to women's eyes and told men to lose their pants. Terrori...

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

A dog attacks a little girl

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: \- "You are a hero, tomorrow ...

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now ...

Every morning when I go out of my house, a bike comes out of nowhere and tries to attack me.

It’s a ..vicious cycle.

What's with the sudden influx of Killer Whale attacks on boats?

Seems Orcastrated

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

Two guys out hunting, one has a heart attack and falls dead.

Second guy calls 911.



Hunter: My friend just died of a heart attack!



Dispatcher: Calm down, first make absolutely sure he's dead.



Hunter: Okay hold on... \*BANG\* Okay now what?

Obama and a general are discussing how to attack ISIS

Obama: “We need to get boots on the ground to attack them. Send in soldiers, artillery, and trucks.”

General: “You are forgetting something important sir.“

Obama: “No I am not.”

General: “Tanks, Obama.”

I was attacked by a gang of mimes yesterday...

They did unspeakable things to me...

My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..

They're two things I'll never see coming.


(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)

On a plane full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

A flight attendant notices, and quickly shouts: “We’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”

Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...”

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken tothe hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color...

During the winter war, the Soviets where attacking a Finnish position

At first the Soviet command sends five soldiers in, and they all get killed by The enemy.

A Finnish soldier then yelled to the Soviets “Is that all you’ve got? I’m only one here.”

Then the Soviet command sends in 15 soldiers, who all, again, is killed by the enemy.

The Finnish s...

I can't take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks attack him.

That's what I get for having a pure bread dog.

What do you call a Frenchman who has been attacked by a bear?

Claude.

Secret Service no longer yells “Get down, Mr President” any more when the President is under attack

Now they yell “Donald, duck”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What gave Hitler a heart attack?

Seeing his gas bill

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.

And I'll fucking do it again.

When's the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades.

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital…

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's actually a mathematical formula to describe all the Republicans lining up to pretend like the January 6th attack didn't happen.

It's called the Fibbing Nazi Sequence.

My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...

... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.

How do non-binary ninjas attack people?

They/ them.

The media was quick to attack Trump's claim that "wind energy was killing all the birds", countering that cats kill way more birds than windmills...

I can't remember the last time I heard about a cat killing a windmill...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grammar nazi pirate is sailing his ship getting ready to attack an enemy ship...

when one of his men comes up to him and hollers:

*"The cannons be ready, Captain!"*

The Captain looks at him and says:

*"Arrrrrrrrrre"*

A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.

The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

I made this awesome new material that is immune to chicken attacks.

It’s impeckable.

Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?

Depends on how fast you can carry it.

MySpace got hit by a DDOS attack..

More than 8 users were disconnected.

Dog attack

A guy limps up to a bar. "What happened to you?" the bartender asks. "On the walk over here I was attacked and bitten on the leg by this giant dog," the guy says. "Oh, no! Imagine if it had been a small child!" the bartender exclaims. "Well, I think I could have fought off a small child, Gary," the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke I’ve ever read on Reddit, one of the first I’ve ever read here too: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler: *tries to attack Russia* Stalin: “If he’s going to attack our nation...

Then Soviet”

I was having a quiet drink in a local bar and this guy squared up to me and said ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’

I replied: ‘Is that a fret?

Why did the triangle not bother to attack the circle?

It was pointless.

I have panic attacks every time I use a two letter word.

I get scared just..thinking about it.

If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear…

Would Greece help?

Attack dog

A couple living in a dodgy neighborhood agree to get a mean-looking dog for protection. The wife goes to a breeder and tells him what she needs. He points to a tiny, chiuaua-like dog and says "Ma'am, that's the meanest one we have." She obviously doesn't believe him so he says "Attack dog, the fence...

"Can't attack that position. My men are exhausted."

Spoken by a NATO general it means his soldiers are too tired and would not be able to attack without heavy losses.

Spoken by a Russian general it means his supply of men has been exhausted i. e., there are no alive men left to send.

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.

The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.

“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”

...

Why didn’t the Soviet Union attack the US

Because they liked Stalin

A heart attack?

Four guys are out playing golf when they come to a short par-3 hole. Two of them hit their tee shots onto the green, but the other two slice their tee shots way out into the woods. The two guys on the green sink their putts, and then they wait for their friends. And wait, and wait.

Finally...

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack....

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez,"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is having sex with a rather large man in the back of a car, when suddenly the man has a heart attack.

The woman tried to get the man off of her, but he's too heavy. Luckily, the woman is able to call 911 with her cell phone.

When the emergency services come, they find that they can only get the man out of thee car by sawing off the roof. After the fire department removes the roof from the car...

How do you revive a homeless American from a heart attack?

You threaten to call an ambulance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

What did the man say after getting attacked by crows?

I just got murdered.

I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."

I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

Did you hear about the failed attack on Castle Hysterectomy?

It was impregnable

Cat Attack

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

A man was hurt when a mockingbird attacked him.

He survived with only Myna injuries.

My boyfriend just left me because I have anxiety attacks.

Edit: Nevermind, he just went to the bathroom.

"Battle. Attack. Skirmish. Melee. War. Punch."

"Them's ***fightin'*** words, pardner!"

:-)

I lost my ex because of a heart attack, and I can only blame my new job.

If I hadn't been hired as a boxing referee, I wouldn't have tried counting to ten first.

(long) A ship captain notices a pirate ship gaining speed for an attack.

He tells his first mate to get him his red shirt. "Why?" the first mate asked. "I want the red shirt in case I get hit and start bleeding no one can tell and we don't lose moral." They fight and win the battle and start to celebrate. After a few minutes they see 20 more ships and the captain turns t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Attack Monkey

After recently being robbed, a middle-aged wife tells her husband to go out and buy an attack dog. So the next day, the man goes out to his local pet store. "Hello sir, I would like to purchase an attack dog." The store clerk shakes his head. "Sorry, we don't sell attack dogs here. But we DO have an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

What is a shark attack survivor's favorite coffee?

Half-caf. I'll see myself out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick had a hard attack...

Which led to a stroke.

Why did the Mexican army attack the Alamo with only 2000 soldiers?

they only had one pickup

What do you call it when you let your opponent attack both your king and queen in chess?

A royal fork-up

Last night a man attacked me.

Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my throat with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.

It said : *...

Did you hear Sodium attacked Chloride

Yeah, it was assault

After fighting off waves of attacks by the Spartans, Paris went to visit with Helen

But alas, she was not very happy.

“What is wrong, my love?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Come on, my love, I sacrificed so much for you, so you must divulge why you’re not happy.” He pleaded.

“It’s nothing.”

“I’m pleading with you! I will defeat the whole spartan army and Ach...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend died of a heart attack while having sex with his wife

At least he died doing what he loved.

(DnD, Spoken) What do you get if a couple of monks in a row, all hold their attack action?

A delayed punchline



Works better if you say it and then just wait a minute before saying the answer, just wanted to share it here, feel free to give thougths on improvements.

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?

Because she had bad blood !

( For all the people who can laugh at a corny Taylor Swift joke ) lol

The Caribbean is under attack from invasive plant life and other weeds

The situation is dire, specifically the Cuban Thistle Crisis

Did you know? Coi travel in groups of 4 once they're attacked koi a b and c swim away

And the d koi is attacked

So there we were, 2 vs 100. We prepared our attack and started off strong...

Killed 'em both.

Why did zombies attack the hospital?

To eat their vegetables.

What do you call a low budget terrorist attack?

7/11

What was Mara being when he was attacking Siddhartha under the Bodhi tree?

A Buddhapest

My grandpa died from a heart attack over the summer and I feel at least partially responsible.



He was having trouble navigating Amazon because they have so many different things available. I suggested that when he wants to buy something he should look for a more focused website so it's easier to find things.

But if it wasn't for me, during the heatwave back in August he never ...

Do you know what to do if an epileptic has an attack in bath?

Quickly add your laundry.

What causes a pirate to have a heart attack?

Something clogged their arrrrrrteries

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Karen survive the acid attack?

By being a basic bitch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A surfer gets attacked by a shark. He wakes up in hospital to see his penis fully bandaged



\- Doctor, what is wrong with my penis?

\- You had an accident. A shark bit you.

\- It bit my penis off??

\- No, no, thank God, no! It just bit off the tip. We managed to save most of it.

\- How much did it bite off?

\- Well.. you had a tattoo there?
...

A joke my pastor told this morning at church

A woman has a heart attack. During this, she dies and meets God.

"Will I die?" she asked.

"No," God replied, "You will live for another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days."

At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.
...

I was waking down the street today and a man attacked me with milk and cheese

How dairy!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a healthy diet

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans....

When Cannibals Attack

When cannibals attacked the AMAs, why were Eminem, Kendrick Lamar and Drake spared?

You're not supposed to eat the rappers.

(I literally dreamt this joke)

Ignoring indigestion or allergies can lead to sneezures or a fart attack

I’ll show myself out.

Why did the shark eat a pineapple before attacking the sailor?

Pineapple makes seamen taste better

Why did the Twitter kid have a panic attack in Maths class?

Because the teacher said they will be learning about Ratios.

A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars

The Judge asked "First time offender?"

She replied, "No, first time a Gibson, then a Fender."

I had a heart attack at the age of 37

Doctor: It’s hereditary. With your family history, there’s nothing you could’ve done differently…

Doctor: but now you need to stop drinking and smoking and doing drugs…

Doctor: and you need to start exercising, and going jogging…

Doctor: and you need to change your diet. You ca...

I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9

The odds were against me

I had a dream where I was attacked by 6 naked women.

Sounds strange dozen tit?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's 1939 and the Soviets are attacking Finland.

So it's 1939, winter, the soviets are attacking Finland and the Karelian isthmus is basically a burning icy hell where peoples throats are cut in nightly raids and their blood turns to ice before their bodies hit the earth.

At one section of the Finnish trenches there are only two guys left ...

News just in of a honeymooner killed in a shark attack off the Perth Coast. The man had been married very recently. A police spokesman said

Fortunately the man did not suffer too much as he had only been married 5 days

Golfers wife has a heart attack

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the gree...

Why doesnt Dracula attack chickens

Because their blood is fowl

If you're ever attacked by a group of clowns...

Don't hesitate. Go straight for the juggler.

Last night I thought I was being attacked by a shark

Don’t worry, it was only a bream

I was viciously attacked by a flock of sheep…

But there was nothing I could do to stop the bleating.

I attack you with an ancient Korean ranged weapon...

Hwacha gonna do about that?

I've just struggled for ages trying to think of a pun worthy of attacking someone over.

Anyone else want to take a stab at a punchline?

A man was walking on the road when he was accosted by two muggers who attacked him.

The man fought bravely but the muggers beat him senseless and proceeded to go through his pockets.

"There's only $2.75 in here!" said one of the muggers, looking through the man's wallet.

"You mean to say that you fought us like this for $2.75!?" the other mugger asked the man incred...

Mario has died from a heart attack while making love to his girlfriend

Rest in Peach

Were you attacked by pirates?

You seem to have lost your booty and chest.

Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

Plan A: Attack

Plan B: Defend

Plan C: Run away

Plan D: Get to the airport

PlanE.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler

Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

Ironically the guy who attacked Dave Chapelle got his Humerus bone dislocated

There was no arm done on Dave though.

A devout Christian is about to be attacked by a bear and prays.

“Lord, give that barbaric bear your teachings."

The bear is moved, and suddenly puts his hands together and speaks!

"Heavenly father, thank you for feeding us today."

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

Can a ninja attack you from a distance?

Shuriken

What do Putin, Batman and Will Smith have in common?

They all attacked a comedian

I was walking in park. I had an asthmatic attack. A group of asthmatics attacked me.

I should have heard them coming.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.