In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

A man and his wife are traveling to Jerusalem for vacation. After getting there, his wife suffers a heart attack and dies. Officials in Jerusalem say it will cost $30,000 to send her back to the US to be buried, or only $500 if they bury her there. The man thinks about it and returns the next day...

He says to the officials, “Okay, although expensive, I’ll pay the $30,000 to bring her home. I heard that you buried a man here once and he rose from the dead 3 days later and I just can’t take any chances.”

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

When is the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades..

Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg?

No? Well, she is all right now.

How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?

...because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

What causes black-belt heart attacks?

Karated arteries

How do you survive a grizzly bear attack with only a .22 pistol?

Shoot your hiking partner in the leg.

A man was having a heart attack at a bar

When a patron yelled out, "Does anyone know CPR", the place went silent, then a drunk at the back yelled out "I do... I even know the whole alphabet". Everybody laughed. Well except for this one guy.

There was a catastrophic cyber attack recently...

The government is still looking for the hacker. They think he ran some ware.

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.

Those damn mooselimbs.

A shark is teaching his kid how to attack swimmers.

"Make sure your dorsal fin is above the water and swim toward them *really fast*, then veer away at the last moment. Do that a few times, and then go back and eat them."

"But why not just come up from below and eat them right away?"

"Well, they taste a lot better if you *empty* 'em fir...

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

What do you call it when Bill Cosby attacks an immigrant?

Alien vs. Predator

Hitler: *tries to attack Russia* Stalin: “If he’s going to attack our nation...

Then Soviet”

Turns out the racist attack on the actor from empire was total bullsh**

I could smollett from a mile away.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man suddenly had a heart attack

He lays on the floor while bystanders gather around, some calling 911 for an ambulance.

One person shouts "Is anybody here a doctor or knows first aid?"

No one responded, only glancing at the ones around them hoping for a miracle.

Then a young man comes along, walks up to the ol...

The United States is under attack in American schools

The map of America had four tacks holding it to the wall in nearly every classroom I was in.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dick had a hard attack...

Which led to a stroke.

The wishes conundrum...

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

&#x200B;

The woman freed the frog, and the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way t...

Vandals have committed a terrible attack on the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds!

Reporter: "Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?"

Reporter: "Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?"
USA: "Because we suspected that they had Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Reporter: "Why did you attack Syria now?"
USA: "Because we suspect they have Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Reporter: "Why didn't you attack North Korea then?" ...

A genie grants a woman three wishes but there is a catch.

Every wish she is granted, her husband, who she hates, is granted 10x that wish.

"So what would you like for your first wish?" the genie inquires.

"I want to be beautiful," says the woman.

"Sure thing, but just so you remember, your husband will be 10x more beautiful than you...

A vampire was about to attack a woman in a dark alley. She screamed and said "please don't, you wouldn't want me, I have AIDS"

"Don't worry, I have a condom" the vampire replied.

A man in the parking lot of a hospital had a heart attack, but someone leaving noticed and informed EMR via 9-1-1.

It was a close call.

In another news, a terrorist attack has blown away two houses, One made of straws and one made of wood.

Police believe that the suspect is a lone wolf.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on a hospital bed. An young nurse came to clean his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just getting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” N...

What do you call a soldier who survived pepper spray and then a mustard bomb attack?

A seasoned veteran.

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

An american has a heart attack while on vacation in Australia...

After he comes to in the hospital, the nurse walks in and the man, still confused, asks:

“Did you bring me here to die?”

The nurse replies:

“Nah Mate, they brought you in yesterday”

Wait, you didn’t hear about the terrorist attack on the Dried Fruits and Nuts convention?

I guess you don’t follow currant events.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

A woman helps a man who is having a heart attack.

The woman asks the gathering crowd, "Any doctor here?" One man answered, "I'm a doctor, what's going on?" The woman says, "He's having a heart attack, can you help?" The man says, "I'm a doctor in philosophy." The woman says, "He is going to die!!". The doctor replies, "We are all going to die."

My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.

The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"

"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."

Why did Donald Trump take Xanax

For Hispanic attacks

Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar

I asked him, "Is that a fret?"

Secret Service no longer yells “Get down, Mr President” any more when the President is under attack

Now they yell “Donald, duck”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the the Germans attack France by invading through Belgium?

Because they knew the French would Nazi that coming.

An astronaut is having a panic attack on the ISS

The gravity of the situation was too little for him.

&#x200B;

&#x200B;

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.

God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augme...

Heart-Attacks are overrated

I mean your heart works non-stop all of your life, would it kill you if the poor guy took a break for 5 minutes ?

Til: the United States dropped leaflets on Hiroshima and Nagasaki to warn of the nuclear attack...

I guess you could say they were the target audience.

Part of the alphabet has been destroyed in a terrorist attack.

No letter has been charged, but the cops suspect G-had a hand in it.

What's a TV show hacker's favorite kind of cyber attack?

A DDOL - Direct Denial of Logic

President Donald Trump said that by 2050 US forces intend to attack the Sun if it does not stop nuclear reactions.

the attack is planned at night or they will just fly from the dark side.

Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-Trek."

What do you call a black guy having a heart attack?

An ambulance.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After my wife died of a heart attack, I didn't want to settle down again right away. I wanted to have some fun first, so I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with. Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed...

They thought I should have called an ambulance first...

Do you know what to do if an epileptic has an attack in bath?

Quickly add your laundry.

Have you heard of the TV show about kamikaze attacks?

It didn’t last longer than the pilot

A joke from my 10 year old son. How do you stop an attack from a snowman?

Kick him in the snow balls.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...

She was attacked by a giant crab.

Husband : Please Call An Ambulance I Think Am Having A Heart Attack...

Wife : (Took His Mobile Phone) Quickly, Give Me The Password... Husband : Ooh I Think Am Fine Now...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken to the hospital

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken 2 the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up ?”

God said, “No, you have another 34 years to live.”

Armed with this divine insight, the woman decid...

Trump mistakenly referred to 9/11 attacks as 7/11 attacks

It seems someone has been providing him fake cues.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you see the story in the newspaper about the sex attack at the laundry?

The headline read "Nut screws washers and bolts"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when you get a heart attack while watching porn?

Dying hard.

I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."

I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During debates, when my opponents said a word that had different meanings based on its spelling, I would take advantage of it and use the word's other meaning to attack them personally.

It was an ad homonym.

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!"

The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

Three Fencers Walk Into a Bar.

Looking around, they see the bartender telling a drunk customer to get out, that he's had too many. The customer goes to punch the bartender, but before he can land the hit the bartender grabs his head and smashes it into the granite countertop, breaking the drunkard's nose.

The police show u...

How is a fidget spinner like the cause of my father's heart attack?

It was all the rage last year.

What did the pirate say when he had a heart attack?

Arrrghh ma hearty!

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack....

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez,"...

This phone conversation with the Haematology lab almost gave me a heart attack.

Me: Hi, can you tell me what my blood report says?

Lab: Sure can, Sir.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

• Soothe your boobs
• Hakuna your tatas
• Give that rack a rest
• Don’t have a rack attack

There was an attack on a commoner's tea shop yesterday.

There were 24 casual teas.

How do you attack a clown posse?

Go right for the juggler!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes

An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.

One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"

God sighs. "Muslim extremi...

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”

&#x200B;

The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

I had to give up using the work carpool as I got panic attacks every time we drove through a tunnel.

I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota...

Why did Mary Poppins have a heart attack?

Supercalifragilisticartherosclerosis.

A soldier and his commanding officer are in a bunker.

*The soldier picks up his binoculars and scans the horizon.*

Soldier: "Sir! Enemy troops spotted! They look really... little."

Officer: "Soldier, keep me informed!"

&#x200B;

Some time *passes.*

Officer: "Status report soldier!"

Soldier: "Sir, the enemy...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Canada's foreign minister, Chrystia Freeland, said her country "does not conduct its diplomacy through ad hominem attacks."

Trump replied "Hey, I never called him a faggot!"

A dog attacks a little girl

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: \- "You are a hero, tomorrow ...

The missile attack was a home run.

It covered all the bases.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Man...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is in the hospital recovering from a heart attack.

The wife excuses herself to go and talk to the Dr.. She sits down with the Dr. and asks what life after the heart attack is going to be like.

The doctor tells her "Ma'am, your husband's heart is weak, it needs to be cared for."

The wife responds "Sir, I already work full time so he ca...

MySpace got hit by a DDOS attack..

More than 8 users were disconnected.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A grammar nazi pirate is sailing his ship getting ready to attack an enemy ship...

when one of his men comes up to him and hollers:

*"The cannons be ready, Captain!"*

The Captain looks at him and says:

*"Arrrrrrrrrre"*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Everyone knows good ol' Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.

The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.

“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”

...

My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..

They're two things I'll never see coming.


(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)

A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play toge...

A man attacks a woman wearing a fur coat..

..and shouts at her angrily - "Do you have any idea how many minks had to die for you to wear that fur??"

"It is not mink, it's polyester!"

"Doesn't matter!! Do you know how many polyesters had to die!?"

a visitor to georgia saw a vicious dog attack a toddler

He took out his pocket knife, ran over, and stabbed the dog to death.

The mother of the toddler said

"now look here, you have saved my boy.
I happen to be a newspaper reporter, and in this week's newspaper I will personally make the headline:"

BRAVE LOCAL MAN SAVES CHILD BY K...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

All these youngsters with their DDoS-attacks

Back in my day we just hurled a bunch of fax machines through someone's window

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pakistan president calls to Obama in the morning

And says "I'm sorry to hear about the terrorist attacks in New York, I wanted to be the first one to call and show my support to America"

After a pause Obama replies "What attack? I have no news of such attacks yet"

A dramatic silence prevails

After a while Obama hears a voice ...

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to h...