One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

Can a ninja attack you from a distance?

Shuriken

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than from a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs!

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam

She passed.

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack...

...and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lipo...

Having a heart attack is pretty bad

But even worse if you’re playing charades.

Cows don't attack people

Bulls hit

I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.

My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

My pistol saved my life from a Bear attack!

I was out with my girlfriend in the woods the other day, and suddenly a bear started running towards us. Luckily i had my trusty Colt on my side. I shot my girlfriend in the leg and i survived by running away. Thanks Colt for saving my life!

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Chronic masturbation can cause memory attacks and loss of ire.

Or something like that, why don't you go fuck yourself?

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My wife died from a heart attack while having sex

Talk about getting laid to rest.

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

A Chinesee general planed attack of his army

He said:

"We will attack in small groups, like 2 maybe 3 million men"

A man and his wife are traveling to Jerusalem for vacation. After getting there, his wife suffers a heart attack and dies. Officials in Jerusalem say it will cost $30,000 to send her back to the US to be buried, or only $500 if they bury her there. The man thinks about it and returns the next day...

He says to the officials, “Okay, although expensive, I’ll pay the $30,000 to bring her home. I heard that you buried a man here once and he rose from the dead 3 days later and I just can’t take any chances.”

Plan A: Attack

Plan B: Defend

Plan C: Run away

Plan D: Get to the airport

PlanE.

A shark is teaching his kid how to attack swimmers.

"Make sure your dorsal fin is above the water and swim toward them *really fast*, then veer away at the last moment. Do that a few times, and then go back and eat them."

"But why not just come up from below and eat them right away?"

"Well, they taste a lot better if you *empty* 'em fir...

Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg?

No? Well, she is all right now.

Who do you call when a hungry koala attacks?

Yptus. You call Yptus.

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?

...because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.

Did you hear about the video of the terrorist attack?

It blew up

What causes black-belt heart attacks?

Karated arteries

Vandals have committed a terrible attack on the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds!

A man was having a heart attack at a bar

When a patron yelled out, "Does anyone know CPR", the place went silent, then a drunk at the back yelled out "I do... I even know the whole alphabet". Everybody laughed. Well except for this one guy.

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

There was a catastrophic cyber attack recently...

The government is still looking for the hacker. They think he ran some ware.

What do you call it when Bill Cosby attacks an immigrant?

Alien vs. Predator

The United States is under attack in American schools

The map of America had four tacks holding it to the wall in nearly every classroom I was in.

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An old man suddenly had a heart attack

He lays on the floor while bystanders gather around, some calling 911 for an ambulance.

One person shouts "Is anybody here a doctor or knows first aid?"

No one responded, only glancing at the ones around them hoping for a miracle.

Then a young man comes along, walks up to the ol...

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My dick had a hard attack...

Which led to a stroke.

How do you survive a grizzly bear attack with only a .22 pistol?

Shoot your hiking partner in the leg.

The wishes conundrum...

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."



The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, ...

Turns out the racist attack on the actor from empire was total bullsh**

I could smollett from a mile away.

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Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way t...

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

A genie grants a woman three wishes but there is a catch.

Every wish she is granted, her husband, who she hates, is granted 10x that wish.

"So what would you like for your first wish?" the genie inquires.

"I want to be beautiful," says the woman.

"Sure thing, but just so you remember, your husband will be 10x more beautiful than you...

Reporter: "Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?"

Reporter: "Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?"
USA: "Because we suspected that they had Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Reporter: "Why did you attack Syria now?"
USA: "Because we suspect they have Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Reporter: "Why didn't you attack North Korea then?" ...

A vampire was about to attack a woman in a dark alley. She screamed and said "please don't, you wouldn't want me, I have AIDS"

"Don't worry, I have a condom" the vampire replied.

What do you call a soldier who survived pepper spray and then a mustard bomb attack?

A seasoned veteran.

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Hitler: *tries to attack Russia* Stalin: “If he’s going to attack our nation...

Then Soviet”

An american has a heart attack while on vacation in Australia...

After he comes to in the hospital, the nurse walks in and the man, still confused, asks:

“Did you bring me here to die?”

The nurse replies:

“Nah Mate, they brought you in yesterday”

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A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on a hospital bed. An young nurse came to clean his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just getting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” N...

A man in the parking lot of a hospital had a heart attack, but someone leaving noticed and informed EMR via 9-1-1.

It was a close call.

Man playing golf

A man was playing golf on a bright sunny day, he could see the hole in front of him and he decides to take a swing.

Unfortunately he misses and the ball lands in a bush so he decides to run over to find it. Whilst looking for the ball he finds a golden lamp, he notices that it is quite dirty...

Wait, you didn’t hear about the terrorist attack on the Dried Fruits and Nuts convention?

I guess you don’t follow currant events.

A woman helps a man who is having a heart attack.

The woman asks the gathering crowd, "Any doctor here?" One man answered, "I'm a doctor, what's going on?" The woman says, "He's having a heart attack, can you help?" The man says, "I'm a doctor in philosophy." The woman says, "He is going to die!!". The doctor replies, "We are all going to die."

Secret Service no longer yells “Get down, Mr President” any more when the President is under attack

Now they yell “Donald, duck”

I first didn't buy it when the girl next door told me there were acid attacks in our neighborhood.

Then I saw her face, ...

My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.

The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"

"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."

Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar

I asked him, "Is that a fret?"

Heart-Attacks are overrated

I mean your heart works non-stop all of your life, would it kill you if the poor guy took a break for 5 minutes ?

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After my wife died of a heart attack, I didn't want to settle down again right away. I wanted to have some fun first, so I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with. Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed...

They thought I should have called an ambulance first...

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Why did the the Germans attack France by invading through Belgium?

Because they knew the French would Nazi that coming.

President Donald Trump said that by 2050 US forces intend to attack the Sun if it does not stop nuclear reactions.

the attack is planned at night or they will just fly from the dark side.

Do you know what to do if an epileptic has an attack in bath?

Quickly add your laundry.

What do you call a black guy having a heart attack?

An ambulance.

Part of the alphabet has been destroyed in a terrorist attack.

No letter has been charged, but the cops suspect G-had a hand in it.

Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-Trek."

What’s the common point between the kid online who said he f**ked your mom and Magikcarp’s splash attack?

Nothing happened.

An astronaut is having a panic attack on the ISS

The gravity of the situation was too little for him.



What's a TV show hacker's favorite kind of cyber attack?

A DDOL - Direct Denial of Logic

Have you heard of the TV show about kamikaze attacks?

It didn’t last longer than the pilot

A joke from my 10 year old son. How do you stop an attack from a snowman?

Kick him in the snow balls.

My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...

She was attacked by a giant crab.

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

Husband : Please Call An Ambulance I Think Am Having A Heart Attack...

Wife : (Took His Mobile Phone) Quickly, Give Me The Password... Husband : Ooh I Think Am Fine Now...

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During debates, when my opponents said a word that had different meanings based on its spelling, I would take advantage of it and use the word's other meaning to attack them personally.

It was an ad homonym.

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Did you see the story in the newspaper about the sex attack at the laundry?

The headline read "Nut screws washers and bolts"

Til: the United States dropped leaflets on Hiroshima and Nagasaki to warn of the nuclear attack...

I guess you could say they were the target audience.

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."

I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.

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What do you call it when you get a heart attack while watching porn?

Dying hard.

Trump mistakenly referred to 9/11 attacks as 7/11 attacks

It seems someone has been providing him fake cues.

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack....

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez,"...

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Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes

An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.

One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"

God sighs. "Muslim extremi...

While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart atta...

Three Fencers Walk Into a Bar.

Looking around, they see the bartender telling a drunk customer to get out, that he's had too many. The customer goes to punch the bartender, but before he can land the hit the bartender grabs his head and smashes it into the granite countertop, breaking the drunkard's nose.

The police show u...

A dog attacks a little girl

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: \- "You are a hero, tomorrow ...

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.

The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.

“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”

...

There was an attack on a commoner's tea shop yesterday.

There were 24 casual teas.

This phone conversation with the Haematology lab almost gave me a heart attack.

Me: Hi, can you tell me what my blood report says?

Lab: Sure can, Sir.

How is a fidget spinner like the cause of my father's heart attack?

It was all the rage last year.

What did the pirate say when he had a heart attack?

Arrrghh ma hearty!

How do you attack a clown posse?

Go right for the juggler!

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A grammar nazi pirate is sailing his ship getting ready to attack an enemy ship...

when one of his men comes up to him and hollers:

*"The cannons be ready, Captain!"*

The Captain looks at him and says:

*"Arrrrrrrrrre"*

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..

They're two things I'll never see coming.


(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)

MySpace got hit by a DDOS attack..

More than 8 users were disconnected.

Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.

Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.

"What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!"

Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf... we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and...

The FBI just thwarted a July 4th terrorist attack in Cleveland.

But they couldn't stop LeBron from dropping a bomb on the city last night.

I had to give up using the work carpool as I got panic attacks every time we drove through a tunnel.

I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

So Chuck Norris is going to Area 51

We’re now 1.2 million infantrymen and 1 chuck norris strong. Our plan of attack is to send 400,000 from the east, 400,000 from the west, 400,000 from the south and Chuck Norris from the North.

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