The 123+ Best Attack Jokes

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A college professor reminds her class of the next day’s final exam saying, “I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

On a plane full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

A flight attendant notices, and quickly shouts: “We’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”

Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...”

President Biden ordered an F16 missile attack to destroy the Chinese spy balloon

Americans are thrilled. It's the first thing he's done to combat inflation.

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as yo...

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

(NSFW) A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

Two guys out hunting, one has a heart attack and falls dead.

Second guy calls 911.

Hunter: My friend just died of a heart attack!

Dispatcher: Calm down, first make absolutely sure he's dead.

Hunter: Okay hold on... \*BANG\* Okay now what?

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

Every morning when I go out of my house, a bike comes out of nowhere and tries to attack me.

It’s a ..vicious cycle.

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

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One day, terrorists attacked a village [NSFW]

Warning : A joke from my own language. Terrible grammar ahead.

They took the men of village as hostages. The head of terrorists wanted to have some fun this time. He called the wives of the men to the camp of terrorists. He put bandage to women's eyes and told men to lose their pants. Terrori...

A dog attacks a little girl

A man is walking in Central park in New York sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.
He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A journalist arriving soon takes pictures and says: \- "You are a hero, tomorrow ...

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There's actually a mathematical formula to describe all the Republicans lining up to pretend like the January 6th attack didn't happen.

It's called the Fibbing Nazi Sequence.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

What's with the sudden influx of Killer Whale attacks on boats?

Seems Orcastrated

Secret Service no longer yells “Get down, Mr President” any more when the President is under attack

Now they yell “Donald, duck”

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My 13 year old son was attacked for being white and a Donald Trump supporter.

And I'll fucking do it again.

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now ...

What do you call a Frenchman that's been attacked by a bear?

Claude

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack....

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez,"...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers!

Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

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A woman is having sex with a rather large man in the back of a car, when suddenly the man has a heart attack.

The woman tried to get the man off of her, but he's too heavy. Luckily, the woman is able to call 911 with her cell phone.

When the emergency services come, they find that they can only get the man out of thee car by sawing off the roof. After the fire department removes the roof from the car...

I was attacked by a gang of mimes yesterday...

They did unspeakable things to me...

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A grammar nazi pirate is sailing his ship getting ready to attack an enemy ship...

when one of his men comes up to him and hollers:

*"The cannons be ready, Captain!"*

The Captain looks at him and says:

*"Arrrrrrrrrre"*

My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..

They're two things I'll never see coming.

(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.

The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.

“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”

...

My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...

... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy t...

I made this awesome new material that is immune to chicken attacks.

It’s impeckable.

A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.

The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."

I have panic attacks every time I use a two letter word.

I get scared just..thinking about it.

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By now most of you have heard about the whale attack on the Dutch boating team. What you may not have heard is that it was a Soviet killer whale and that one of the Dutchmen lost the tip of his penis in the attack.

Turns out the whole thing was a Russian orcastration.

I lost my ex because of a heart attack, and I can only blame my new job.

If I hadn't been hired as a boxing referee, I wouldn't have tried counting to ten first.

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What gave Hitler a heart attack?

Seeing his gas bill

A wife files an accidental death claim for her husband. It gets denied. She calls the insurance company demanding to know why the policy wasn't honored. The agent reviewed the notes and informed her the policy wasn't covered because he'd died from a heart attack, to which she replied:

"My husband didn't have a heart attack on purpose!"

News just in of a honeymooner killed in a shark attack off the Perth Coast. The man had been married very recently. A police spokesman said

Fortunately the man did not suffer too much as he had only been married 5 days

What do you call it when you let your opponent attack both your king and queen in chess?

A royal fork-up

Why did the triangle not bother to attack the circle?

It was pointless.

(DnD, Spoken) What do you get if a couple of monks in a row, all hold their attack action?

A delayed punchline

Works better if you say it and then just wait a minute before saying the answer, just wanted to share it here, feel free to give thougths on improvements.

Did you know? Coi travel in groups of 4 once they're attacked koi a b and c swim away

And the d koi is attacked

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A surfer gets attacked by a shark. He wakes up in hospital to see his penis fully bandaged

\- Doctor, what is wrong with my penis?

\- You had an accident. A shark bit you.

\- It bit my penis off??

\- No, no, thank God, no! It just bit off the tip. We managed to save most of it.

\- How much did it bite off?

\- Well.. you had a tattoo there?
...

Will carrying a torch save you from an attacking bear?

Depends on how fast you can carry it.

Why didn’t the Soviet Union attack the US

Because they liked Stalin

How do you revive a homeless American from a heart attack?

You threaten to call an ambulance.

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After my wife died of a heart attack, I didn't want to settle down again right away. I wanted to have some fun first, so I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with. Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed...

They thought I should have called an ambulance first...

What did the man say after getting attacked by crows?

I just got murdered.

"Can't attack that position. My men are exhausted."

Spoken by a NATO general it means his soldiers are too tired and would not be able to attack without heavy losses.

Spoken by a Russian general it means his supply of men has been exhausted i. e., there are no alive men left to send.

If Russia attacked Turkey from the rear…

Would Greece help?

A guy had a heart attack while raking his yard.

As he lay dying, he told his wife "Give my best suit and dress shoes to someone who could use them, and bury me in these work boots and jeans."

She said "Are you sure honey? They're so old and beat up!"

He said "Yep, they're on their last legs".

After fighting off waves of attacks by the Spartans, Paris went to visit with Helen

But alas, she was not very happy.

“What is wrong, my love?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Come on, my love, I sacrificed so much for you, so you must divulge why you’re not happy.” He pleaded.

“It’s nothing.”

“I’m pleading with you! I will defeat the whole spartan army and Ach...

Did you hear about the failed attack on Castle Hysterectomy?

It was impregnable

MySpace got hit by a DDOS attack..

More than 8 users were disconnected.

My grandpa died from a heart attack over the summer and I feel at least partially responsible.

He was having trouble navigating Amazon because they have so many different things available. I suggested that when he wants to buy something he should look for a more focused website so it's easier to find things.

But if it wasn't for me, during the heatwave back in August he never ...

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

I was waking down the street today and a man attacked me with milk and cheese

How dairy!

As the alien onslaught continued, linguists were working furiously to translate the only message they’d received in response to our plea to understand why they were attacking.

The President was in his bunker trying to figure out where the first contact went wrong. He told his aide, “They landed and I went up to the leader and greeted him in peace. They immediately ran back back to their ship, and started their assault.”

Just then, the lead linguist ran into the r...

A man was hurt when a mockingbird attacked him.

He survived with only Myna injuries.

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My friend died of a heart attack while having sex with his wife

At least he died doing what he loved.

A stranger attacked me with 1 triple A energizer and sodium chloride.

I guess you could say I'm a victim of a salt and battery

My boyfriend just left me because I have anxiety attacks.

Edit: Nevermind, he just went to the bathroom.

What was Mara being when he was attacking Siddhartha under the Bodhi tree?

A Buddhapest

So there we were, 2 vs 100. We prepared our attack and started off strong...

Killed 'em both.

The Caribbean is under attack from invasive plant life and other weeds

The situation is dire, specifically the Cuban Thistle Crisis

Why did the Mexican army attack the Alamo with only 2000 soldiers?

they only had one pickup

A man was walking on the road when he was accosted by two muggers who attacked him.

The man fought bravely but the muggers beat him senseless and proceeded to go through his pockets.

"There's only $2.75 in here!" said one of the muggers, looking through the man's wallet.

"You mean to say that you fought us like this for $2.75!?" the other mugger asked the man incred...

I've just struggled for ages trying to think of a pun worthy of attacking someone over.

Anyone else want to take a stab at a punchline?

Liverpool had so much going for them. Dominated the ball, constantly on the attack, great strategy to win the day. But no matter how often the were close a score seemed inevitable, Real Madrid defenders always seemed to be in the right place at the right time. It must actually be true what they say

Nobody expects the Spanish in position

I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."

I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.

A heart attack?

Four guys are out playing golf when they come to a short par-3 hole. Two of them hit their tee shots onto the green, but the other two slice their tee shots way out into the woods. The two guys on the green sink their putts, and then they wait for their friends. And wait, and wait.

Finally...

Dog attack

A guy limps up to a bar. "What happened to you?" the bartender asks. "On the walk over here I was attacked and bitten on the leg by this giant dog," the guy says. "Oh, no! Imagine if it had been a small child!" the bartender exclaims. "Well, I think I could have fought off a small child, Gary," the...

Do you know what to do if an epileptic has an attack in bath?

Quickly add your laundry.

Attack dog

A couple living in a dodgy neighborhood agree to get a mean-looking dog for protection. The wife goes to a breeder and tells him what she needs. He points to a tiny, chiuaua-like dog and says "Ma'am, that's the meanest one we have." She obviously doesn't believe him so he says "Attack dog, the fence...

What is a shark attack survivor's favorite coffee?

Half-caf. I'll see myself out.

Ignoring indigestion or allergies can lead to sneezures or a fart attack

I’ll show myself out.

Why did the Twitter kid have a panic attack in Maths class?

Because the teacher said they will be learning about Ratios.

Reports are coming in that Boy George has been attacked by a reptile on the set of I'm a Celebrity.

They should have got a calmer Chameleon, but apparently, they come and go.

When is the worst time to have a heart attack???

When you're playing charades nobody gonna help you

"Battle. Attack. Skirmish. Melee. War. Punch."

"Them's ***fightin'*** words, pardner!"

:-)

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall.

I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

Did I tell you about the time my friend had a heart attack while driving his Caddy?

We call it his Cadillac Escalade cardiac escapade.

Why did the shark eat a pineapple before attacking the sailor?

Pineapple makes seamen taste better

Putin has started to launch missile attacks from submarines off the coast of an East African archipelago

He shells Seychelles by the seashore

A woman is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars

The Judge asked "First time offender?"

She replied, "No, first time a Gibson, then a Fender."

Many claim that heart attacks are one of the worst ways to go, but I disagree...

Bear attacks are definitely worse.

My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

Why didn’t the vampire attack Taylor Swift?

Because she had bad blood !

( For all the people who can laugh at a corny Taylor Swift joke ) lol

I had a heart attack at the age of 37

Doctor: It’s hereditary. With your family history, there’s nothing you could’ve done differently…

Doctor: but now you need to stop drinking and smoking and doing drugs…

Doctor: and you need to start exercising, and going jogging…

Doctor: and you need to change your diet. You ca...

What do you call a low budget terrorist attack?

7/11

I had a dream where I was attacked by 6 naked women.

Sounds strange dozen tit?

Mario has died from a heart attack while making love to his girlfriend

Rest in Peach

Did you hear Sodium attacked Chloride

Yeah, it was assault

I have done some research, and discovered what food you are most likely to die of a heart attack.

"Caesar Salad."

[OC.]

A devout Christian is about to be attacked by a bear and prays.

“Lord, give that barbaric bear your teachings."

The bear is moved, and suddenly puts his hands together and speaks!

"Heavenly father, thank you for feeding us today."

Last night I thought I was being attacked by a shark

Don’t worry, it was only a bream

What causes a pirate to have a heart attack?

Something clogged their arrrrrrteries

I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9

The odds were against me

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My dick had a hard attack...

Which led to a stroke.

It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack.

If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

Ironically the guy who attacked Dave Chapelle got his Humerus bone dislocated

There was no arm done on Dave though.

What do you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns?

Go for the juggler.

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The Attack Monkey

After recently being robbed, a middle-aged wife tells her husband to go out and buy an attack dog. So the next day, the man goes out to his local pet store. "Hello sir, I would like to purchase an attack dog." The store clerk shakes his head. "Sorry, we don't sell attack dogs here. But we DO have an...

It's a bit embarrassing to admit here, but I was once attacked by a whole bunch of street mimes..

#

..and they did some unspeakable things to me.

Obama and a general are discussing how to attack ISIS

Obama: “We need to get boots on the ground to attack them. Send in soldiers, artillery, and trucks.”

General: “You are forgetting something important sir.“

Obama: “No I am not.”

General: “Tanks, Obama.”

What's the best way for a lady to protect herself from a one-legged attacker?

Kick him in the crutch!

Cat Attack

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "Bark!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

Last night a man attacked me.

Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my throat with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.

It said : *...

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I was attacked by three men last night. I managed to knock one out.

Probably wasn't the best time to have a wank but I thought fuck it, it might be the last chance I get.

What do you call a semi-conductor that roams the sea and attacks other vessels?

A pirate chip.

I went golfing the other day and heard a woman running towards the pro shop, screaming that she was attacked by wasps.

I ran over and asked where she got stung. She said "Right between the first and second hole." I said, "First of all I think your stance is a little wide."

What are the pronouns for someone who identifies as an attack helicopter?

Apache/Apachim

Why did zombies attack the hospital?

To eat their vegetables.

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It's 1939 and the Soviets are attacking Finland.

So it's 1939, winter, the soviets are attacking Finland and the Karelian isthmus is basically a burning icy hell where peoples throats are cut in nightly raids and their blood turns to ice before their bodies hit the earth.

At one section of the Finnish trenches there are only two guys left ...

I was viciously attacked by a flock of sheep…

But there was nothing I could do to stop the bleating.

Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar

I asked him, "Is that a fret?"

Putin has admitted why he has attacked Ukraine...

He heard Moose and Squirrel are hiding there.

I was recently attacked by a group of clowns.

The only way I could defend myself was to go for the juggler.

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How did Karen survive the acid attack?

By being a basic bitch

I attack you with an ancient Korean ranged weapon...

Hwacha gonna do about that?

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