In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear...

You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away

What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?

Go for the jugular

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.

“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”

When is the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades.

I was attacked by a politically correct zombie.......

I screamed “oh no a zombie!”
And he replied “ummm actually the term is living impaired”

A man just attacked me with cheese and milk!

How dairy.

Why did the T-Rex attack the LGBTQ parade?

It wanted to Taste the Rainbow.

Once in a small town, a man got a paralysis attack.

The doctor said he could possibly be bedridden for a long time. The expenses of the hospitalization put him and his wife in a bit of tension. Their son still had his entire life left in front of him. The son also looked very sad and scared.

The doctor, sympathized, and gave the son a lotto ti...

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.

Why do the Ninja Turtles attack Shredder 4 on 1?

Because their master is a rat.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

How should a farmer dress so he doesn't get attacked by his chickens?

Impeccably

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 cal Beretta Pistol

ST PETERSBURG, FL -- This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along...

Did you hear how they found out the girl Jaws attacked had dandruff?

They found her head & shoulders on the beach.

Homeless man attacks kid with a knife

Don’t worry the kid was fine, I mean he had a knife.

A giant fly is attacking New York, but don't worry...

The SWAT team is on it.

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?

An ariel assault.

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I got attacked by the Phantom Masturbator

I never saw him coming.

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The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

I saw a man trying to attack a woman in the park so I decided to step in and help.

She didn’t stand a chance against the two of us.

Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?

Because it's assault.

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I was onboard a flight when a stewardess announced “The pilot is having a heart attack! Does anyone know how to fly this plane?”

Nobody said anything so I said “sure, I’ll give it a shot” and went into the cockpit.

I swear to God, it took me *4 hours* just to get it off the runway.

What do you call it when pigs attack you?

A hambush.

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

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Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and ...

I was recently attacked at a K-pop concert.

I now have BTSD.

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.

Can't they hear the music?

PSA: Be alert of random scissor attack

You have to be careful these days. I was walking down this creek yesterday and this guy suddenly pulled out a scissor, but luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock because if I had pulled out paper, man I would’ve lost.

I attacked the people who robbed me the other day

Ive never seen girl scouts run so fast

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

My friend Jose suffers from panic attacks. He was recently involved in a car accident.

I don't wanna sound racist, but His panic attacks are getting worse.

What do you call Mountain Dew that gives you a heart attack?

Mountain Dew Code Blue

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'

I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming...

I saw on the TV that Godzilla recently attacked South Korea and thousands are dead!

Really Seoul-crushing news.

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My wife died from a heart attack while having sex

Talk about getting laid to rest.

I was attacked by a group of mimes

..............they did unspeakable things to me.

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

Did you hear about the Olympic fencer who was famous for his devastating counter-attack?

He knew ripostes were the best way to get Gold.

A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam

She passed.

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes....

*RANT TIME* Please can we stop with the flashing blue outdoor Christmas lights this year ?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the machete under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's ...

Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?

For Hispanic attacks

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I was attacked by 3 men last night. I managed to knock one out.

Probably wasn't the best time to for a wank, but it could've been my last!

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down next to a guy with a peg leg, a metal hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.

He orders a beer, looks at the guy next to him, and asks "What are you supposed to be, a pirate?"

"Yarr, I am" replies the pirate.

"You must have some crazy stories about your leg, your hand, an...

How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?

They use the pew, pew-pew pews.

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seate...

Having a heart attack is pretty bad

But even worse if you’re playing charades.

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Did you hear about the man who attacks people and fucks them in the ear?

I guess you can say, they heard their assailant coming...

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack...

...and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lipo...

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Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

A giant snake is attacking the city.

It wraps around buildings, crushing them, and swallows people whole. A pair of office workers get eaten, and one of them starts to panic as they wind up in the snake's stomach. However, he notices that the other worker is still calm.

"How can you be so calm," he asks, "when we're going to die...

I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.

My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

A man and his wife are traveling to Jerusalem for vacation. After getting there, his wife suffers a heart attack and dies. Officials in Jerusalem say it will cost $30,000 to send her back to the US to be buried, or only $500 if they bury her there. The man thinks about it and returns the next day...

He says to the officials, “Okay, although expensive, I’ll pay the $30,000 to bring her home. I heard that you buried a man here once and he rose from the dead 3 days later and I just can’t take any chances.”

My pistol saved my life from a Bear attack!

I was out with my girlfriend in the woods the other day, and suddenly a bear started running towards us. Luckily i had my trusty Colt on my side. I shot my girlfriend in the leg and i survived by running away. Thanks Colt for saving my life!

Did you hear about the video of the terrorist attack?

It blew up

God made a new rule...

You have to tell him how you died to get to heaven.

Guy 1 comes up and God asks him how he died, He said:

"I was walking home to my apartment and when I unlocked the door there was a burgular and he ran into my fridge. I threw the fridge out the window. I died of a heart attack though...

Someone attacked me with a rhythm stick.

Luckily I was eligible to claim for personal iandury.

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

Dad and Daughter

So, there was a dad, and one night, the dad watched his daughter do her nightly prayers and she said, "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The next day, Grandpa died. The dad thought it could all be a coincidence, until the next night, when the dad was watching his...

A Chinesee general planed attack of his army

He said:

"We will attack in small groups, like 2 maybe 3 million men"

A shark is teaching his kid how to attack swimmers.

"Make sure your dorsal fin is above the water and swim toward them *really fast*, then veer away at the last moment. Do that a few times, and then go back and eat them."

"But why not just come up from below and eat them right away?"

"Well, they taste a lot better if you *empty* 'em fir...

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Chronic masturbation can cause memory attacks and loss of ire.

Or something like that, why don't you go fuck yourself?

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A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.

A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?”

Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being pers...

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

If Russia attacked Turkey from the Rear...

Would Greece help?

Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg?

No? Well, she is all right now.

Why was 69 afraid of 70?

Because they had a fight and 71.

But it didn't stop there...

All the other numbers were scared of 72 because he attacked for no reason. They ganged up on him and sent him to jail.

But I was there that day, I saw 69 provoking him. So I went to the jail and demanded they set 73. ...

If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?

The fly S.W.A.T. Team!

Eric went to tug his son in bed one night and hear his son praying...

"Dear God, please take care of my Grandpapa's soul". Eric didn't think much of it. The very next day, his wife's father dies of a heart attack. Eric was a little perturbed, but didn't think much of it.

A month later, little Johnny prayed "Dear God, please take care of my teacher's soul.". Su...

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?

...because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.

Plan A: Attack

Plan B: Defend

Plan C: Run away

Plan D: Get to the airport

PlanE.

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10 ISIS suicide bombers decided to blow up a building

"We must pick a building that will have a mass effect on western culture" the leader says. So they research all the popular websites they can find and have decided on the reddit headquarters.

"YES!!" Another exclaimed! "We can not only dismantle their social construct but we can all attack ...

Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers.

She says, "God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa."

Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter replies, "Because I needed to." The next day, grandpa dies of a heart attack. Bill is worried about his daughter but thinks, "I...

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

Who do you call when a hungry koala attacks?

Yptus. You call Yptus.

Did you hear about the D&D player who attacked Siskel and Ebert?

It was a critical hit

My best friend just got attacked in the woods.....

I couldn't bear to watch

PSA: For whatever, unforeseen events that find you are about to be attacked by a mob of clowns. This one important tip can and might possibly save your life.

Always go for the Juggler

The cops in my town are looking for a racist attacker, so I called them up.

Apparently it wasn’t a job interview.

Doctor killed my Uncle

Myl classic


Juan : I hate doctors, a doctor killed my uncle in Madrid.

Brown: That’s sad. What happened?

Juan: He went to a clinic for a heart checkup, the doctor said he was fine. 5 minutes later, he died on the road.

Brown: Wow.Heart attack?

Juan: No. Motorc...

Did you know the Energizer Bunny got beat up?

His attacker got charged with Assault and Battery

Can't believe the near death experience I had the other day

A sudden heart attack on my couch! I was going to call 911, and then I realized

I can't die in a living room

The United States is under attack in American schools

The map of America had four tacks holding it to the wall in nearly every classroom I was in.

Funny Trump joke

The President is walking out of the white house and heading towards his limo, when a possible attacker steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be attacjer and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's superv...

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A Jew and a Czech while on a trip are attacked by two bears, one male and one female.

The Jew is able to escape; however, the Czech gets eaten by the male bear. Being a good Samaritan the Jew alerts the park ranger that there are two bears on the loose, one of which has eaten his friend. The park ranger then proceeds to kill both of the bears. The Jew asks the park ranger if he can c...

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart atta...

What did I do when Iraq was attacked?

Iran

A man and his wife take a trip to Jerusalem.

The wife has a heart attack and passes away.
One of the local crematoriums offers to cremate and encase his wife in a vase for $500. The alternative would be to fly her back home to be buried/cremated for $10,000s of dollars.
The man chooses to send her home.
One of the crem. Folk asked ...

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My dick had a hard attack...

Which led to a stroke.

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I was talking a walk this afternoon when, out of nowhere, the pavement started viciously attacking me.

Fucking psycho path

Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?

They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.

Understanding Pregnancy

A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor "My wife is pregnant but we always use protection and I KNOW that it never broke, how could this happen?"

The doctor sits the man down and says "let me tell you a story, there was a hunter who always brought his gun with him everywhere he went. ...

A popular gorilla exhibit at a local zoo had its only resident pass away

The zoo, not having enough time and money to replace the perished primate, gave one of their employees a gorilla suit and told them to go into the exhibit and act like a gorilla. He at first disagreed, like anyone would, until they offered an enormous raise. He then of course accepted the money and...

What causes black-belt heart attacks?

Karated arteries

A man was having a heart attack at a bar

When a patron yelled out, "Does anyone know CPR", the place went silent, then a drunk at the back yelled out "I do... I even know the whole alphabet". Everybody laughed. Well except for this one guy.

If you ever get attacked by a bear...

play dead it will be good practice for when you die a couple of minutes later.

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