Bomb Jokes

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"

I hope that blew your minds

A redditor is defusing a bomb.

EDIT: I didn't expect this to blow up!

What's worse than finding a bomb under your car?

Not finding it.

What did the Big Boy Atomic Bomb say to the Nuclear Bomb when they met?

Nuke, I am your father.

I got fired from the bomb squad today :(

It's too bad really.....

I had a blast working there!

Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

...because its not a Target.

What’s an Emo’s favourite type of bath Bomb?

A toaster

I’m making a movie about dropping the F-bomb.

Gonna call it Effenheimer.

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

The odds of getting on a plane with a bomb on it are 950,000 to one -

The odds of getting on a plane with two bombs on it are closer to 700,000,000 to one So, to be safe, I always bring my own bomb.

S. W.

I am going to become a bomb defuser.

It is one job where....

Either i'm right.

Or suddenly its not my problem anymore.

A bomb just went off in a paris cheese shop

There is de brie everywhere!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

If you say AT&T backwards

You sound like a Canadian Bomb Technician.

An American walks into an Irish pub, he asks the bartender for an Irish Car Bomb.

The bartender grimaces, "Excuse me?"

The man smiles, "It's a drink, you don't have those? Irish car bombs?"

The bartender lights up and replies, "Oh I have something similar, one moment!"

He then takes two tall shot glasses side by side, fills them with vodka, and lights them af...

How do you call a monkey with a bomb

A baboom

Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer"

Statistician and bomb.

Found this on Raymond Smullyan's book "To Mock a Mockingbird". Hope you might like it.

There is the story of
a statistician who told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I
have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on
the plane," he explained, "and although this p...

What did the suicide bomb instructor say to his new students?

“Pay attention because I am only going to do this once”

What is the most selfish type of bomb?

A mine!

What is the most selfish bomb found on land?

>!A landmine!!<

What is the most selfish one for water?

>!Nestle!!<

Did you hear about Danny Welbeck's bomb disposal expert brother.

Stan Welbeck.

What happens when you find a bomb at your local bazaar?

It becomes a flee market.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

what happens to people who dies in a bomb blast

They rest in pieces

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill -

"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.

There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and th...

"You the bomb!" "No you the bomb!"

A compliment in America, an argument in the middle east.

The Russians bombed a cemetery yesterday.

There were no survivors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know why Oppenheimer bombed in japan?

They had already seen it

A world famous statistician was stopped by TSA at the airport

on his way to catch a flight to Washington DC. When they opened up his bag they found a bomb in it. Subsequently he was handcuffed and taken to the station for questioning. When asked about it he said, “I always carry a bomb with me for every fight!” The investigator questioned this, saying “Why wou...

Where did Sally go during the school bombing?

Everywhere.

A bomb fell on the cemetery last night

Reporters say: all dead, no survivors

Are you a bomb? Cause I'd like to get away from you!

I tried posting a joke about a malfunctioning bomb earlier

But it never blew up

A Redditor is trying to make a bomb in their garage, but it wont detonate so they decide to make some changes

Edit: wow this blew up

Netflix’s new live-action anime adaption “One Piece” bombs despite majority positive reviews from critics and audiences

The studio blames their poor numbers off the series glorifying piracy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese guy and a Jewish guy are drinking at the bar...

The Jewish guy turns to the Chinese guy and says, "Fu*k you and your people, for bombing Pearl Harbor!"

The Chinese guy is like, "WTF?! That wasn't us. That was the Japanese!"

The Jewish guy: "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... you're all the same."

After a few minutes and another...

Did you hear about the bombing at the garment factory?

Apparently there were over 100 casual tees.

How does Russia knows that Ukraine has "dirty" bombs?

Because they stole all of their washing machines.

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suicide bomb instructor is training a class.

Ok!! Everybody! Pay very close attention now! I can only demonstrate this once!!!

I watched a documentary about the first test of the A-bomb.

It was a real blast from the past.

If you find a bomb that blows up when stepped on, please let me know.

It's mine.

A farm was bombed and only one cow survived.

All the udders died.

Even a broken bomb timer is right once

Then never again

What's the difference between an ISIS K bomb maker and an Afghani aid worker?

How should I know I just fly the drone

A suicide bombing instructor addresses a group of new recruits.

"All right lads pay attention cos I'm only gonna show you this once"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I broke up with a Japanese girl last week...

It sucked, because I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.

Why are Russians bombing cities

For the Ruble (this is my first, please don't kick me)

What did the clean Uranium bomb say to the DIRTY plutonium bomb?

P u

Why did the statistician always take a bomb with him when he traveled by plane?

He knew the chances of a bomb being on a flight he was one in a million, so he figured that the chances of two bombs being on board was one in a million million.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

Zelensky and Putin both die during peace talk bombings

As they regain their senses, they find themselves in front of the gates of Heaven. Shortly after that Saint Peter approaches them and says: „Welcome to the gates of Heaven. While I guess we all know where you two belong to respectively, I‘m sorry to inform you we have some formalities to go through ...

How do you defuse a time bomb?

Help i need answers really qui

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets pulled over by the police...

The officer asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No I don't officer," he replies

"You were speeding. That's going to be big ticket in this area."

"Well, you caught me, and while I'm at it, I might as well be honest with you. I have a dead body in the trunk along with some...

After a bad day at work, where does a bomb technician go?

Everywhere

I just realized why all my abortion jokes bomb...

...because they never deliver.

*ba dum pish*

As opposed to dead baby jokes, which never get old.

A teacher asked the students a question about bombs, which left them stumped...

So, the teacher asked a new clear question.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man said he would blow up a bathroom without a bomb.

I was wondering how he would do that… and then it shit me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

D’y’ know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

I don't understand why the police train up bomb dogs to work at the airport

They're all colourblind and always cut the wrong wire

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

A nuclear bomb was dropped on Alabama

One family was killed

A mathematician is afraid of flying because of the risk of a terrorist bombing it in mid air. So he takes a bomb in his hand baggage

"The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero.

2 guys are hiding a bomb under a car.

Guy 1 - What if the bomb goes off while we're still under the car.

Guy 2 - Don't worry, I've got a second one in my backpack.

Which car does a terrorist choose to plant a car bomb?

A Citroën C4.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone just shoved a bomb into a bull's ass.

Just abominable.

Remember, if a Communist is blowing up something, it is not your bomb or my bomb

it Tsar bomb

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...

That my posts never blows up.

Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.

Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!

Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jo...

Zelensky and Putin meet in Belarus to discuss a possible armistice when a suddenly a bomb goes off

There is a lot of confusion and when security finally manages to get to the presidents, both of them are in a horrible shape and need to be put in an artificial coma.

After 10 years, they both wake up in the hospital and are visibly confused. No doctor or nurse was around, so they decide to p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm Iranian and was forced to work the border near a Viagra bomb field.

I was stuck between Iraq and a hard place.

If someone says "Someone in this room has a bomb," I can't rule myself out as a suspect.

- Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Note7

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandfather dropped a bomb today I'll never forget

We stopped at a shitty diner in the middle of nowhere in the midwest. The people looked like they hadn't slept in a year and had eaten meth for a week from their missing teeth and saggy cheeks.

**Me:** Jesus, these people look like zombies

**Gramps:** Yeah and they're probably starvin...

What do you get when you drop a bomb in a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart.

I’m in Ireland for St. Patrick’s day and asked for an Irish Car Bomb.

The bartender began berating me about how much of an uncultured American I am, how I shouldn’t even be allowed to drink with the Irish, and really ripping into me because I got the name wrong. Apparently in Ireland the drink is called a 9/11.

If isis gets bombed

They'll be called waswas

Suicide Bombing School

Imagine a school where suicide bombing Is being taught, the teachers would say to the students.
.
Please, pay attention, I'm only going to do this once!

Why can't you trust a duck with bomb defusal?

They quack under pressure.

As a colour blind bomb technician

You only defuse a bomb once

What happens if your cake day bomb ends the world?

Karmageddon.

Why did Oppenheimer invent the atomic bomb?

Because he wanted the world to lighten up.

i once lost my watch..

i once lost my watch at a party. after an hour of searching, i saw a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. i immediately went to him, kicked him, and saved the woman. no one ever harasses a female, not on my watch

edit- damn this blew up like a time bomb

I had to use a yardstick to stop a bomb explosion...

Drastic times call for drastic measures

Muslim artists threw some paint bombs at a local building...

They blue it up.

What’s the easiest way to sneak a bomb onto a plane?

Buy a galaxy note 7

I hate planting bombs now.

Everything is blown out of proportion.

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