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A redneck birth control

After having the 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough since they could not afford another kid.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him the he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy th...

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced...

"BOOM"

I hope that blew your minds.

It would be r/funny if this post blows up.

What did the Reddit user say after setting off a bomb in a bank?

Edit: Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold!

What did the Big Boy Atomic Bomb say to the Nuclear Bomb when they met?

Nuke, I am your father.

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill -

"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.

There is gunfire for a minute and then everything goes silent for a moment, and th...

A suicide bombing instructor addresses a group of new recruits.

"All right lads pay attention cos I'm only gonna show you this once"

My sandwich had a bomb inside

I think I might have explosive diarrhoea

I got fired from the bomb squad yesterday. It's too bad really...

I had a blast working there.

If you find a bomb that blows up when stepped on, please let me know.

It's mine.

What do you get when you drop a bomb in a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blownapart.

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Someone put a bomb in my mailbox.

Holy shit this post blew up.

A farm was bombed and only one cow survived.

All the udders died.

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A suicide bomb instructor is training a class.

Ok!! Everybody! Pay very close attention now! I can only demonstrate this once!!!

I Can't stop watching doomsday films like The End of the World (1916), The War of the Worlds (1953), Strangelove or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964), The day the Earth stood still (1951) The Omega Man (1971)

It's like there's no tomorrow.

What does an experimental bomb maker who is a redditor say after his bomb works?

I didn't expect this to blow up!

An American walks into an Irish pub, he asks the bartender for an Irish Car Bomb.

The bartender grimaces, "Excuse me?"

The man smiles, "It's a drink, you don't have those? Irish car bombs?"

The bartender lights up and replies, "Oh I have something similar, one moment!"

He then takes two tall shot glasses side by side, fills them with vodka, and lights them af...

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced

"BOOM"



I hope that blew your minds

A man drops a brick, a knife, and a bomb out of the window of a helicopter.

Joe has decided to go for a walk in the park. As he travels the park, he sees a kid crying. Concerned, he asks what's wrong. The kid says, "A brick fell and landed on my foot!". After making sure the kid was okay, Joe keeps walking. Soon, he sees a kid who is pale as a ghost. Concerned, he asks what...

What is a suicide bomber's greatest fear?

Dying alone

Where did Sally go during the bombing

Everywhere

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Male Birth Control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet. He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped.
"The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vasectom...

Even a broken bomb timer is right once

Then never again

Bomb Jokes

Are you a bomb? Cause I'd like to get away from you!

The chances of a bomb being on your plane is one in 300 million, but the chances of two bombs being on your plane is one in 60 billion...

which is why, when I fly, I always carry a bomb.

Yesterday was my first day on the job defusing bombs, and I had to cut some wires

Turns out, I’m colorblind

Library of Congress bomber…

Yesterday’s attempted bomber said there are 4 more bombs planted in DC. After botching bombing Congress by showing up at the Library of Congress, the FBI has ordered the immediate evacuation of :

-the Richmond Mall’s Supreme Food Court

-The Hexagon Building on Connecticut Ave

-...

What did the English general say after a successful bombing raid on a city in southern France?

Be careful. At this point, they don't have much Toulouse.

What did the suicide bomb instructor say to his students?

"Right lads, I'm only going to show you this once!"

Which car does a terrorist choose to plant a car bomb?

A Citroën C4.

What did the late bomb squad technician say about his recently popular Reddit post?

I did not expect this to blow up.

What’s your favorite phone?

Mine is the galaxy note 7 that phone was the bomb

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

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My history teacher told us that if a nuclear bomb was closely approaching, being flexible would be very helpful.

It's so that you can bend your body and kiss your ass goodbye.

A nuclear bomb was dropped on Alabama

One family was killed

“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”

In America, a compliment.

In the Middle East, an argument.

Where did the boy go when the bomb went off?

Everywhere

If 2020 were a bath bomb...

It would be a toaster.

Remember when some guy put a bomb in his shoe and tried to get on an airplane?

Now we all have to remove our shoes just to get past security and get on a flight. I wish that had been a woman with a bomb in her bra.

I always bring a bomb with me on an airplane

Because the probability of there being *two* bombs on an airplane is nearly zero.

I am going to become a bomb defuser.

It is one job where....

Either i'm right.

Or suddenly its not my problem anymore.

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A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.

His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposef...

Scientists have invented a bomb that explodes when the temperature hits absolute zero

It's called the "0K Boomer"

With all the bombings in Kabul, Afghanistan, authorities are planning to rename the city

They’re aiming for Kabum

What does a redditor in the military say when his station is bombed?

Damn, this post blew up

My sister asked for a bath bomb for her birthday, so I gave her a toaster.

Same thing if you think about it.

A crazy scientist asked strangers on Reddit to help him make a bomb

Edit: Wow this exploded! I didn't expect that, Thank you guys!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bomb went off near Hitler and some shrapnel got in his eyes. He went to the optometrist and when asked why Day was wrong he said

I can Nazi

A mathematician is going through security check at an airport

When it’s his turn one officer suddenly starts jumping around exited and yells: “There is a bomb in this man luggage!” The mathematician is immediately arrested, searched and confined in a separate room. A while later authorities come in and ask him what the hell he was thinking, to which the mathem...

What did the clean Uranium bomb say to the DIRTY plutonium bomb?

P u

There are three men on an airplane

One has a spear, one has a hand grenade, and the last one has a bomb. The first man throws the spear from the plane and then parachutes down to where it landed. After landing he finds a kid crying and says "Kid, why are you crying?" And through tears the kid says "A spear came down from the sky and ...

Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument?

They had a fallout.

Stupid but hope you like it sorry for bad grammar

A scottsman an Irishman and an Englishman are all on a plane the scotsman has a bomb an irishman has a knife and the Englishman has a brick the Irishman they all drop there things out of a window when the Irishman gets home he find his dad crying on the sofa in his living room he asks what's wrong h...

If you say AT&T backwards

You sound like a Canadian Bomb Technician.

How do you defuse a time bomb?

Help i need answers really qui

What happens if your cake day bomb ends the world?

Karmageddon.

very old jokes, but I haven't seen them here before

A male bovine has unfortunately just swallowed a ticking time bomb. How would you describe this situation in one word?

Abominable.

Five minutes later the bomb has detonated leaving little beyond a small hole in the ground. What one word describes the new situation?

Noble.

I had to use a yardstick to stop a bomb explosion...

Drastic times call for drastic measures

So yesterday there was a bomb at my school

It was a blast!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

IAMA professional bomb diffuser. Ask me anything.

edit: wow, this blew up

My dad worked for years as an actuary.

Back in the 1970s he travelled a lot for his work. This was during the time when hijackings, bombings and stuff like that weren’t too uncommon.

Being a statistician, he sat down one day and calculated the odds that a bomb would be on a plane that he was on. Turns out, he didn’t like the odd...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face.

"Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man.

"That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man.

"But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man....

Bomb Compliments

“You da bomb!”

“No, you da bomb!”

It’s a compliment in America but an argument in Al Quaida meeting.

I've spent my life savings building the world's first Apathy Bomb and it just blew up in my face.

And here I am posting OC on r/jokes. Stupid thing didn't even work.

What do you call surfing terrorists who commit suicide bombings?

Radical

What’s the easiest way to sneak a bomb onto a plane?

Buy a galaxy note 7

Why wont ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

...because its not a Target.

Did you hear about the terrorist who strapped bombs loaded with Coronavirus to his chest?

He blew up and went viral.

Why can't you trust a duck with bomb defusal?

They quack under pressure.

I made a bomb today with the help of my Twitch viewers!

"Wow this really blew up! Thanks guys!"

There was three guys and they decided to chuck something out of an aeroplane. The first guy dropped out a dagger. The second guy dropped out a boulder and the third guy dropped out a bomb. The first guy went home and he saw his dad crying in the yard and he asked his dad “what’s wrong?”

The dad says “a dagger fell out of the sky and hit my wife on the head and now she’s dead.

The second guy went home and it’s the same story, he asks his dad “what’s wrong?”

“A boulder fell out of the sky and hit my wife in the head and now she’s dead”

The third guy got home, a...

Two newspaper bosses are sent into a huge bank vault and find it stacked to the ceiling with piles of 24-karat bars. They can keep them for good, but only if they are able to diffuse a bomb first...

Editor 1: Thanks for the gold.

Editor 2: This blew up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone just shoved a bomb into a bull's ass.

Just abominable.

Where do suicide bombers go when they die?

Everywhere.

I like my coffee how I like bombs

Arabic

Job descriptions

Lawyer: who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it ba...

Did you hear about the guy selling bombs disguised as prayer mats?

Prophets were going through the roof

A bomb just went off in a paris cheese shop

There is de brie everywhere!

A man walked into a psychiatrist room

He said,"I had a dream. It went like this:

I was walking on a road, and suddenly, beep beep beep beep beep beep..."

After ten seconds, the psychiatrist asked the man nicely to stop beeping. The man, however, went on.

After half an hour, the psychiatrist is tired of asking for th...

In Russia you get bombed on White Russians,

In Boston White Russians bomb you!

The odds of getting on a plane with a bomb on it are 950,000 to one -

The odds of getting on a plane with two bombs on it are closer to 700,000,000 to one So, to be safe, I always bring my own bomb.

S. W.

I make bombs for a living

Business is booming

Suicide bombing is one of my favorite pastimes.

Once you try it, you'll never go back.

What do you get when you put a bomb in a bada-Bing?

Bada-Bing-bada-boom!

I tried to make a living as a comedian, but I constantly bombed every sets.

So I joined Al Qaeda instead.

A Finn, Swede and Norwegian were on a plane. The pilot announced: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Norwegian dropped an orange off the plane. The pilot repeated: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Swede dropped a banana peel. Yet again there was the request: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Finn dropped a bomb. When the plane finally landed, the Finn, Swede and Norwe...

Suicide Bombing School

Imagine a school where suicide bombing Is being taught, the teachers would say to the students.
.
Please, pay attention, I'm only going to do this once!

I hate planting bombs now.

Everything is blown out of proportion.

Osama Bin Laden tried doing standup comedy before terrorism

He bombed.

My grandpa survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings.

Being in Australia helped.

Why did Oppenheimer invent the atomic bomb?

Because he wanted the world to lighten up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Currently I'm working on a paper about the excessive consumption of whiskey based cocktails during the creation of the atomic bomb.

You might say it's my Manhattan project.

I was going to make a joke about a defective bomb.

But it probably won't blow up.

I had to put a bomb inside a bull today. So I guess you could say he’s

__*Abominable..*__

A mathematician is afraid of flying because of the risk of a terrorist bombing it in mid air. So he takes a bomb in his hand baggage

"The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero.

If the ISIS decided to suicide bomb in Hawaii

will they shout "allahu akbar" or "aloha akbar?

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