Revenge Jokes - 69 Hilarious Revenge Jokes

Why can't diabetics get revenge?

Cuz revenge is sweet.

Revenge

A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson, "How much is the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the sales guy says.

"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man says...

Revenge

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.
...

"I'd like this book on revenge please"

Cashier: "You'll pay for that."

Revenge

A boy asked a girl in a library, "Do you Mind if I sit beside you"? The girl Answered with a loud angry voice; "I don't want to spend the night with you All the people in the library started staring at the boy and he was embarrassed. After Minutes the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said ...

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Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

Revenge of the penguins

There is this large group of penguins living their peaceful, penguin lives.

One day, a ship crashes and sinks nearby. A polar bear swims to the ice from the sinking ship and quickly falls asleep, obviously exhausted from his ordeal.

The penguins, having never seen a polar bear, th...

Warrior: I swear I will have my revenge for the death of my brother!

Elf: You have my bow.

Dwarf: And my axe.

Necromancer: And your brother.

Blonde Revenge

A smart-talking man who thought he could charm the birds off the trees met his match one night.

The man had just learned that his father only had days to live and then he would inherit over 10 million pounds. Overjoyed at the promised wealth, he celebrated at the local wine bar, where he saw ...

My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues...

I'll show him.

What's the difference between revenge and vichyssoise?

None, they are both dishes best served cold

My second wife left me because I have "revenge issues"

We'll see about that...

The Revenge of a Truck Driver

A truck driver stopped at a roadside restaurant. The waitress brought him a hamburger, a cup of coffee and a piece of pie. As the truck driver was about to start eating , three men in leather jackets pulled up on motorcycles and came inside. One grabbed the man's hamburger, the second one drank his ...

The fact Ozzy has COVID now just shows bats always get their revenge.

(All the best to them, hope he gets to live a long time)

What do you call a Venn diagram seeking revenge?

A Venn dettagram

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold...

But then I realized it meant getting back at somebody.

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer

"That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.
...

I’m going to start a restaurant called: Revenge is a Dish Best Served Cold. You know what we’re going to serve?

Just desserts...

Two Blonde Revenge Jokes

\#1

3 blondes are walking on the beach and find a bottle with a genie in it. Genie says he can only grant 3 wishes, so they each get one. First blonde wishes to be 50% smarter than she is right now, genie turns her hair light brown. Second blonde wishes to be 75% smarter than she is right no...

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The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

I'm getting revenge for the Titanic

One ice-cube in my drink at a time.

How does a mathematician get revenge?

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

Dear John Revenge (Sorry if repost)

Again, sorry if this is a re post but I love it!

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
between us is just too great. I must ad...

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

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My therapist said I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge.

We'll see about that.

To the thief who stole my Microsoft Office... I will get my revenge...

you have my Word...

My psychiatrist says I'm preoccupied with revenge.

We'll see about that.

How do get revenge on your wife for banging another man that you let stay in your house?

Slap Chris Rock.

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Revenge

There are two statues in a park; one of a man and one of a woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so ...

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Why is Gordon Ramsay so bad at revenge?

Because if he served it cold, it’d be raw

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To get revenge on my boss, I had with his daughter

Then I remembered that I'm self-employed

Jealous Revenge

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is...

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A man goes to Gandhi and asks him "Why don't you take revenge of those that hurt you?"

Gandhi smiles and calmly says"Look at me, even If I want to, do I look like I can?!"

A man orders a coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he thr...

An Iranian on taking revenge on America ...

America has no hero that we can target... It's a huge country but no real heroes... Who are we going to assassinate there? Spiderman? SpongeBob?

To whoever scribbled over one letter of my James Joyce book cover, I will get revenge.

Ulysse

Read this great book called 'Revenge of the Tiger' recently.

Written by Claude Balls.

How do deer get revenge?

By giving each other a taste of their own venison

Two Indians were going to get revenge on some cowboys...

One Indian says to the other: *We need to get some bacon to lure the cowboys in because we have no weapons that shoot long range!*

So the other Indian, who just happened to have bacon in his pocket said: *That might just work, but we need to make not just any kind of bacon, we need to make a ...

Today, I was thinking about the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'.

Then I considered 'revenge is sweet'. I've come to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

A leopard is walking through the jungle when he sees a lost dachshund in the distance...

He stealthily begins to stalk up on him, intent on making a meal of him. However, the dachshund catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye. Knowing that there's no way he can win a footrace against a leopard, he decides to employ other tactics; he sits down by a nearby pile of bones. Once...

Unbelievable!!! My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, so in revenge I stole her wheelchair...

Well, guess who came crawling back today...

Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election

One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."

The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
...

My psychiatrist says I have an unhelathy preoccupation with revenge.

He's sooooo gonna regret saying that at my next appointment.

What did the waiter do to his enemy to take revenge?

He served him right

How does a female deer get revenge on her cheating husband?

She goes into town and blows a few bucks!

What does a bird say when it wants revenge?

Toucan play at that game!

Two friends are going to film their own version of Revenge of the Sith.

They both have a really strong bond, so they decide that it'd be best if one played Anakin and one played Obi-Wan, the only problem was that they couldn't figure out who would play whom.

After a long bout of reasoning, bickering, and contemplating neither of them could come up with a reason w...

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A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

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A woman discovers her husband has been cheating on her. She immediately hires a hitman to enact revenge...

Upon meeting the hitman she explains through her rage that she wants the hitman to shoot the woman with whom her husband was cheating in the head. Wanting her husband to suffer, she tells the hitman not to kill him, but to shoot him in his groin.

That evening, knowing her husband will be meet...

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I found my brother in bed with my girlfriend yesterday. I couldn't believe it and I had to get my revenge.

So I shagged his sister.

Tommy discovered his wife was cheating with another guy

so he went to the guy's wife and told her about it.

"I know what we will do", she said,
"Let's take revenge on him."

So together they went to a motel and had revenge.
After 10 minutes, she said,"Let's have more revenge",
and they took revenge again.

After 5 times, To...

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since.

I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne.

I just read that Disney is making a sequel to Bambi. He gets revenge on the hunters that killed his mother. They're calling it.......

Bambo

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A lumberjack has with a witch, gets his soul trapped inside a jigsaw, and seeks revenge by ruining her cheese company

*I Came. I Saw. I Con Curd.*

Mahatma Gandhi's sass

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “argum...

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Three Boys

Three boys were taking a ed class. They received grades of D, D-, and F, respectively, so they plotted to get revenge.

"We should get her," said the first.

"Yeah," said the second, "let's grab her."

"Yeah," chimed in the third, "And let's kick her in the nuts."

Why should you be nice to cats and dogs?

So you are not the target of pet-y revenge.

I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...

Because revenge is a dish best served cold

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One day, two whales were swimming in the ocean

One day, two whales were swimming in the ocean. They came across a whalers ship and the first whale was immediately angered by this. He tells the second whale,

*“Whalers killed my brother! I want revenge! Let’s use our blowholes as hard as we can to tip the ship underneath and drown them!”*<...

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A man goes to a zoo.......

While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.

When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper e...

If you celebrate Star Wars Day too hard tonight...

watch out for the revenge of the fifth.

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Bob was mad at his -Ed teacher for giving him a failing grade...

So in revenge he made a plan and told his best friend John.
“ So, in her room, I’ll hide, and when she comes in for lunch, I’ll kick her in the balls!

If today is “May the 4th be with you”

Then tomorrow is “Revenge of the 5th”

Somebody has stolen one of my Mr Men books.

I'm absolutely fuming and have vowed revenge... No more Mr Nice Guy.

A girl invites her best friend to her Birthday party

At her birthday party while everyone else is away and having fun her best friend eats her whole cake. They catch her and of course the birthday girl is upset, but she manages to calm down and act like everything is fine, deciding to get her revenge another time.

Then several months later it's...

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Little Bobby is angry at his -ed teacher, because he didnt pass the last exam

Now he plans his revenge with his friend Sam, who also failed in -ed.
Bobby: Listen, you will hide on this side of the door, and when she comes in you throw your jacket over her head, so she cant see us, then i will kick her in the balls.

God is smiling down on me

planning his revenge

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