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I don't like the term Anal Bleaching.

I prefer calling it Changing Your Ringtone.

TIL the term "cannibal" is offensive.

They prefer to be called "humanitarians."

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.

Welcome back President Obama we missed you.

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Premature ejaculator seeks lady for short term fling

Lady in question must have large breasts, full lips, a nice ass and... OH GOD... never mind...

If you suffer from short term memory loss

If you suffer from short term memory loss

If smoking weed causes short-term memory loss...

Then what does smoking weed do?

Woman are like the terms of service

Don't listen, Just agree

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

What's the most severe long term effect of COVID-19?

The hospital bill.

What is the leading cause of divorce in long term marriages?

A stalemate.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

“But painting a giant mural is going to cost us lots of money in the short term!”

“Well, you’ve just gotta think about the big picture!”

Politicians should be limited to two terms.

One in office and one in prison

I don't like term "dad bod"

I prefer "*father figure*"

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If Trump wins in 2020 and has a terrible term as President - don't blame him.

It's likely because he inherited a shit show dumpster fire from the previous 2016 presidency.

i call myself terms and conditions

because y'all keep ignoring me

Trump stated that all Americans will live like royalty by the end of his term

More than 2 million people have been coronated already.

You know what the terms "no mercy" and "dirty laundry" have in common?

No quarters.

I angered two people by calling them hipsters...

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

I just heard there is a new term for 'kidnapper'

Its Transparent

Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?"

Patient: "As long as I can remember."

What is the French term for blue balls?

Sack Le Bleu

There's a term for Presidents like Trump.

Probably not two terms, though...

My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused,

I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions.

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At the end of school term, a teacher gives her students candy of different flavours

And each flavour has it's own unique colour,
Blueberry-dark blue
Strawberry-red
Etc.

And the teacher decides to have a joke, she gets out a new flavour that no-one tried yet, honey flavoured, and no-one in the class knew what it was.

So the teacher gives a hint saying "The fl...

JFK was killed before his second term in office.

He only got one shot.

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What’s another term for “boob sweat”?

Humidititties

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!!

That sentence was way too long...

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Masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss.

Anyways, did you know that masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss?

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

What is the proper term for a nation without coherent leadership?

Unpresidented

The United States is currently in an unpresidented situation.

I hate how we have to be politically correct at the office. My boss said we shouldn't use the term "black" because it's not very professional.

So during coffee break, I asked him: *"How African-American do you like your coffee?"*

Do you know what the scientific term is for injecting disinfectant?

Embalming

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How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

My family is worried about how we'll survive Trump's 2nd term...

...I reassured them that the 2nd term will be manageable, I'm worried about how we'll survive the 3rd.

Listen, because I won't tell you again - I'm suffering from short-term memory loss.

Ah, and one more thing - I'm suffering from short term memory loss.

What is the German term for food shortages?

Wurst Käse Scenario.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

A friend of mine who suffers from long term memory loss went to an employment agency to find what work he's suited for.

Today he became chief moderator for r/jokes.

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The term work comes first only works with one profession

If your a prostitute

"Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia" is the scientific term

For...erm...bear with me..

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

What is another term for "a pig in a blanket"?

My mother-in-law on a cold day

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Poets are like terms of service contracts

They use many words and elaborate eloquent language to describe how they are going to fuck you.

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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

(Not mine) There was an experiment: a physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were locked up in in three absolutely empty rooms for 8 hours. Each of them was given a chest of food that should be unlocked somehow. After the term passed, the experimenters opened the door with the physician...

He was fine. Next to him was a broken empty chest. They asked "How did you manage to open it?". The answer was "I was simply throwing the chest against the walls and it broke". Then the experimenters opened the room with the engineer. He was also Ok and he he said that he had opened the chest after ...

I have a fetish for doing algebra

I’ve come to terms with that

A dwarf walks into a bar, he's very, very thirsty.

The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side.

He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?"

(no answer)

He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?"

(no answer)

He jumps up and down, saying ev...

My dad suffers from short term memory loss...

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.

(OC) A buddy and I flew up to Alaska to do some ice fishing.

Neither of us had ever been and we were both pretty excited, but when we got there my friend was just too freaked out about falling through the ice and freezing to death to go. Well, I was still super stoked so I ended up calling a local tourist company and I hired a couple of locals to take me out...

I really hate the term "addict"

I prefer "drug enthusiast"

A teacher is talking about video games.

She asks, "does playing video game cause long term affects?"

A student replies "yes".

"How do you know?"

"I have a hunch."

Marketing terms explained

1. You see a beautiful girl at a party. You walk right over to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
\--That's direct marketing.


2. You're at a party with friends and see a beautiful girl. One friend goes over to her, points at you, and says, "He's fantastic in bed."
\--That...

A long term relationship is 5% love, 5 % commitment.....

And 90% asking each other what you want for dinner tonight

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I never use the term "feminazi"...

Because the Nazis actually got stuff done.

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A reporter was interviewing Dick Cheney after his term was up at the White House.

A reporter was interviewing Dick Cheney after his term was up in the white house. The reporter asked “What did you and George do for fun when things got boring?"

"Well we'd run 2 laps around the white house and see who had the best time. My best was 10:24".

"Wow," said the reporter, "t...

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A Mexican Immigrant Wants to Cross the Border

There is a guard waiting at the border, who tells hi to go home, as he is not allowed to pass. The Mexican man refuses to leave so he sits beside the guard for over 4 hours. The guard, who has given up, tells the man that if he can use the words green, pink, and yellow in a sentence, he can pass. Co...

It is inappropriate to call people "monkeys"

The politically correct term is "orangutan".

A well known rule of three

Long ago, on a different geometric planet, there were many perfectly triangular lakes. On each lake were three kingdoms, each presided over by a trio of higher beings. One particular lake has an interesting story. Though the kingdoms on it started out peacefully, each settling their dispute with ano...

My friend is planning to do vasectomies on killer whales.

But he prefers the term orchestrating

Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory

Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?

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A man walked up to me and asked "Did you sleep with my wife"

And I thought about it and said "the term "slept" or sleep is weird, because sleep means to close your eyes and go into a not conscious state, but we have adapted the term to also be used in the context of sexual relation. I find it makes more sense to just say I did fuck your wife."

Anyway I...

Discussing with a woman is like reading software license terms.

In the end you ignore everything and click on "accept".

I describe my "baggy shirt"...

...and I use the term loosely.

There are so many politically correct terms for disabled people nowadays...

Things like "special needs," "special ed," and "special Olympics," that's why it worries me so much when I hear of the "special forces" going to war.

years ago the devils lettuce was a term for marijuana

now it's romaine

My college professor makes extra money by forcing his students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It’s textbook Economics.

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the fir...

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

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Here’s a joke my little brother told me.

A man find out his wife of 3 years has been cheating on him so he hires an assassin to take her and her side piece out. The assassin agrees to the job no questions asked but let’s the man know that each bullet will cost him 5 grand but he never misses. The husband just wants his wife dead and agrees...

A man walks into the library and asks the librarian, "where are your books on unorthodox directional terms?"

The librarian replies, "they're over yonder"

TIL: Among all US Presidents, Grover Cleveland had the shortest term.

He was the twenty second president.

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Penis study...

I haven't seen this one in +20 years so here goes..

PENIS STUDY

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000.00 The results of the study concluded that the reaso...

TIL the scientific term for discarding a rotten orange:

Impeachment

Why did Obama get two terms?

Because black men always get a longer sentence

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

Every month I donate money to a children's charity.

Although the technical term is "government tax".

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Welcome to the Mental Health telephone help line.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.
If you are in denial, please press 6 to con...

I was bitten by a Great White while vacationing in Florida.

I think he used the term "Superior Aryan," but either way, that was one coked-out skinhead.

What is both a common term of endearment and common past-time in Alabama?

Pumpkin.

Adam & Eve were the first ones to

ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

Never expect to keep a long-term relationship with a mechanic.

He screws nuts and bolts.

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Have you heard about the baby born without eyelids?

The doctor took the baby's foreskin and and created perfect eyelids.

"Oh, my goodness! This is amazing news!

Will there be any long term effects?" the Mother asked.

"Well" the Doctor replied, "He may be a bit cock-eyed".

I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.

Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic.

...

Should’ve read the terms and conditions. My bad.

Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.

Fetus Repeatus.

A joke I heard several years ago...

The former president gives the new president 3 boxes and asks him to open one each time he is in a major crisis.

When faced with his first crisis, he opens the first box and it says "blame it on the previous administration"

When faced with his second crisis, he opens the second box and...

A Mexican particle physicist was asked if he was ready to explain the neutrino in layman's terms or if he required more time.

He said "no mass".

Today in the Gulf Stream, two dolphins were caught cheating on their significant others, and in the East Australian, a humpback whale gave the term new meaning when he was found in the fins of another beluga.

I like to stay on top of current affairs.

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The world needs better terms...

Like who called it 'beard trimming and hair cutting' and not ladscaping?

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