The 83+ Best Term Jokes

Whoever coined the term ‘delivery’ for childbirth made a big mistake.

It should have been called takeout instead.

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What is the term for a female peacock?

A peacunt.

How many people with short-term memory loss does it take to...

I'm sorry, where was I?

It's been a long-term dream to convert a lighthouse

But the project has been on and off for years.

Why do pediatricians not like long term investments?

They have little patients.

I received a wedding invitation from a college classmate. In college we were on bad terms, but it seems he’s matured now. I was feeling nostalgic, but when I looked closely at the card it read…

Please circle one.

\- Will not attend

\- Will be absent

Swedish Computer Terms

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

found on an e-mail from2004 from my uncle who has sinced passed r.i.p. jack!(long,somewhat nsfw)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

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If the term for men is getting cock blocked

The term for women should be getting clam jammed

What else you got ? I also thought of beaver dammed

A friend told me the new term for Mansplaining

Correctile Dysfunction

What‘s the medical term for fear of palindromes?

Aibohphobia.

Ben is serving term in prison for fraud. One day he receives a letter from his father, Maurice

Dear Ben,

It looks like I won't be able to plant anything in the garden this year. I am growing too old to do any digging without your help. Looking forward to your early release.

Love, Dad

Ben replies:

Dear Dad,

Please don't dig up the garden - that's where I hid ...

When Putin began his first term in office…

When Putin began his first term in office in 1999, he asked the then outgoing president Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin had no prior experience in politics.

Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If thing...

If alcohol can damage your short term memory…

…Imagine the damage alcohol can do

What does Leonardo DiCaprio call a 19 year old?

A long term relationship.

Why do Adam and Eve use Android?

Because Eve violated the apple terms and conditions.

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

I have been described by some women as a bit of a looker.

Voyeur I think is the legal term.

Why didn't Mario complete his presidential term?

He got in Peach

There's a term for guys like Donald Trump.

But apparently not 2 terms.

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Bruce is serving a life term in prison. After a decade or so, he gains a cellmate: Will.

After taking some time to size Will up and decide that he can trust him, Bruce tells Will about his plan to escape.

"You see," Bruce says, "for the past nine years, I've been training my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its...

Ladies, don't believe it when a factory worker says he wants a long term relationship.

You'll find he screws nuts and bolts.

PSA: the term “Hipsters” is politically incorrect and is considered an offensive slur in many circles

Please use the medically-recommended term “conjoined twins” instead.

TIL there's a scientific term for aquatic mammals losing their fur through evolution

It's called Whale Pattern Baldness.

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

Dihydrogen Monoxide is a complex term that can confuse many people

But to make it simple, it really just boils down to steam.

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What's the correct term to describe an Alabama Girl that can run faster than her brothers?

Virgin.

In terms of weight reduction, doing meth is way more effective than doing math

That's been methamatically proven

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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,

what does smoking Marijuana do?

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I’m not too bothered.

it wasn’t mine.

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The Troubles (long)

In the 1970s a lady got pregnant in Belfast. Actually, a lot of ladies got pregnant in Belfast in the 1970s, there wasn't much on TV. Anyway, this particular lady was going to have triplets. When she had almost come to term, she was walking down the street when a battle erupted between the provos an...

I got fired from my job yesterday for saying smoking or non smoking

But apparently the correct terms were cremation and burial

The four stages of life, in Santa Clause terms.

1) You believe in Santa.

2) You don’t believe in Santa.

3) You pretend to be Santa.

4) You look like Santa.

Tough

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking co...

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What's the medical term for an asshole transplant?

An election.

What is the greatest lie of all time?

"I have read and accepted the terms and conditions."

There’s a term for people like Trump.

But there’s not a second one.

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People don't realize Edgar Allan Poe was a landlord.

His tenants were always complaining about the lease terms being terrible, leading them to being the first to coin the phrase: "fuck the Poe lease!"

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

If you’re interviewing for a fast food job and they ask about your short and long term goals

Short term : I want to work at McDonalds

Long term : I don’t want to work at McDonalds

i call myself terms and conditions

because y'all keep ignoring me

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

Why did Obama get two terms?

Because black men always get a longer sentence

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I once was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory

So did I tell you that I was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory?

My girlfriend is like terms and conditions

Because I ignore everything she says and then agree with her.

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

Did you hear the French rioted in the streets after losing the World Cup?

When is society going to come to terms with the fact that these anti-FIFA activists are bad for civil society?

I tried to research what the term “confirmation bias” means

All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading

TIL the term "cannibal" is offensive.

They prefer to be called "humanitarians."

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My therapist tells me to use the term "breather" instead of "timeout" when disciplining my children, it has worked wonders...

"GO TO YOUR ROOM AND TAKE A FUCKING BREATHER!"

I heard Putin was installing Windows

And Microsoft had to accept his terms and conditions.

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I don’t like the term anal bleaching...

I prefer changing your ring tone

My dad suffers from short term memory loss...

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.

Agreement

My wife and I have an agreement that works...

She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.

This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family...

A professor was starting to read and grade the immense stack of term papers on his desk....

....when a young man approached his desk.

“Here’s my paper, sir,” said the student.

“I’m sorry, young man. That paper was due yesterday, and I do not accept late submissions.”

“Well, excuse me, sir,” the student said, haughtily. “Do you know who I am?”

“No, I do not,” re...

What’s a term for a group of calm and relaxed children?

Chilldren

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Another term for man-splainer is...

Autocorrect

Exam

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you're jus...

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.

"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.

Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."

The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave...

i went to a support group for short term memory loss

the host said: "good evening, you're probably all wondering why you just walked into this room"

What's the term for the number of stupid people in an area?

Duncity.

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

In light of the pandemic - we will no longer use the term "immaculate conception"...

It is being updated to "contactless delivery."

Birthing Person

If the word 'mother' is replaced by the term 'birthing person', Samuel L. Jackson might as well retire

If Trump wins a second term he will halt all shredded cheese production.

He is going to make Americans grate again . . .

The UN recently published the results of a poll. The topic was: "Please truthfully give your opinion on food shortage in the rest of the world."

Results:

Europeans requested explanation of the term "shortage".

Africans asked what "food" is.

Chinese inquired about the term "opinion".

Americans wondered what "rest of the world" might possibly mean.

And in Italy they are still discussing the meaning of the ter...

A very long time ago, the ancients struggled to come up with a term for a 24 hour period.

It got very late and they said "lets just call it a day".

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

I’m great at long term jobs!

There isn’t a job in the world I can’t stretch out to at least a year or two...

Never trust a website with purple terms and conditions.

They clearly violet your privacy.

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

It is I who invented the term, "plagiarism".

However, Al Gore got credit for it.

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My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.'

What the make love is she talking about?

The medical term for owning too many dogs....

Rover Dose.

Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.

Fetus Repeatus.

The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa..." is really stupid

Everyone knows Africans don't get seconds, they're lucky if they get a single serving.

Jesus, the Christ, decides to to give humanity a second chance...

Arriving on Earth, he does a tour.

He travels the Middle East and everything goes well. He then goes through Australia and he's welcomed with open arms. Afterwards, he goes to Europe, and all the Europeans love him. Then he goes to America...

whilst in one of the Southern States, one...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

In terms of money, I'm set for life!

Provided I die next Friday

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