Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

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I never enjoyed the term "anal bleaching".

I prefer to call it "changing my ringtone".

What’s a term for a group of calm and relaxed children?

Chilldren

Courts still use the term "vehicular manslaughter". It's 2021; shouldn't we call it "vehicular human-slaughter"?

It's time for women to finally break through the glass windshield.

I’m great at long term jobs!

There isn’t a job in the world I can’t stretch out to at least a year or two...

A professor was starting to read and grade the immense stack of term papers on his desk....

....when a young man approached his desk.

“Here’s my paper, sir,” said the student.

“I’m sorry, young man. That paper was due yesterday, and I do not accept late submissions.”

“Well, excuse me, sir,” the student said, haughtily. “Do you know who I am?”

“No, I do not,” re...

There's a term for guys like Donald Trump.

But apparently not 2 terms.

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What is military term for premature ejaculation?

Dishonourable discharge.

Long term pain

During a congress about health care, the speaker asks:
"which food causes extreme suffering, even after years of being eaten?"

After a long silence an elderly raises his hand and replies "A WEDDING CAKE"

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I once was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory

So did I tell you that I was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory?

I tried to research what the term “confirmation bias” means

All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading

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My therapist tells me to use the term "breather" instead of "timeout" when disciplining my children, it has worked wonders...

"GO TO YOUR ROOM AND TAKE A FUCKING BREATHER!"

What's the term for the number of stupid people in an area?

Duncity.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

It is I who invented the term, "plagiarism".

However, Al Gore got credit for it.

There’s a term for people like Trump.

But there’s not a second one.

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

When Chuck Norris updates Windows

...Microsoft accepts his terms and conditions

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

Drinking in IT terms

1 shot= Demo


2 shots= Trial version


5 shots= Personal edition


Half a bottle= Professional Edition


Full bottle= Network Edition


Two bottles= Small Business Edition


Five Bottles= Enterprise Edition


Whole case= C...

A very long time ago, the ancients struggled to come up with a term for a 24 hour period.

It got very late and they said "lets just call it a day".

i went to a support group for short term memory loss

the host said: "good evening, you're probably all wondering why you just walked into this room"

If you thought alcohol was bad for your short term memory...

...just imagine what alcohol will do!

Never trust a website with purple terms and conditions.

They clearly violet your privacy.

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

If smoking marijuana causes short term memory loss

Than what does smoking marijuana do?

As his Presidency comes to an end, I think it's important to reflect on the one positive result of Donald Trump's term.

His Covid19 test result.

What is the biggest lie ever?

"I have read and agree to the terms of use"

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Shit Hole Countries is a terrible term to describe underdeveloped nations

The proper term is Turd World.

Another term for man-splainer is...

Autocorrect

In terms of money, I'm set for life!

Provided I die next Friday

I just ended a long-term relationship today.

I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

In light of the pandemic - we will no longer use the term "immaculate conception"...

It is being updated to "contactless delivery."

TIL the term "cannibal" is offensive.

They prefer to be called "humanitarians."

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Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

They call me terms and conditions

Cause i am always ignored

Got rejected by long term girlfriend,after I took her to dinner at a fancy restaurant,mustered up the courage,got down on my knee and finally proposed

A threesome with my wife.

If Trump wins a second term he will halt all shredded cheese production.

He is going to make Americans grate again . . .

Term Limits

I believe in term limits because my vocabulary isn't that big

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

There's a dog walking in the jungle.

Being a dog, he has amazing hearing, and heard a leopard sneaking up on him. He found a bone and starts chewing on it and remarks rather loudly "that was a tasty leopard, I wonder if there's anymore around here!" The leopard, startled by the comment, leaves in a hurry. Meanwhile up in the trees, a m...

I don't like the term "old man".

I prefer "always hacky sacking"

Upper class people avoid using the term "69" as they feel it's uncouth...

They refer to it as "181".

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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

What is the term for someone who is scared of Santa?

Claustrophobia

So, Richard Feynman applies for a job...

Interviewer: Now comes the part of the interview where we ask a question to test your creative thinking ability. Don’t think too hard about it, just apply everyday common sense, and describe your reasoning process.

Here’s the question: Why are manhole covers round?

Feynman: They’re not...

I thought you knew the common term for an ancestal entanglement...

A parently knot.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

I figured out why the term is "urinate"

it's because if you wait until it's a urine-ten, then urine trouble!

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Premature ejaculator seeks lady for short term fling

Lady in question must have large breasts, full lips, a nice ass and... OH GOD... never mind...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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What’s the proper term for a dinosaur boner?

A T-Rection

What is the leading cause of divorce in long term marriages?

A stalemate.

My dad suffers from short term memory loss...

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.

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Oil well fire fighters

3 tycoons own an oil well that catches on fire. They try everything they can think of to put it out, to no avail. So they call Red Adair, the famous oil well fire fighter. He tells them he can put out the fire, but it will be 3 weeks before he can get there and will cost half a million dollars. ...

Why did Obama get two terms?

Because black men always get a longer sentence

If you have any doubt whether your reader will understand an abbreviation, write the term out in full.

Otherwise, he will be left in the position of the farmer who shot a crow, then noticed the tag on its leg: ``Wash. Biol. Surv.''

The next day he was talking with his neighbor about the last night's dinner: ``I followed the directions, washed it, boiled it, and put it on the table. Damn crow ...

“But painting a giant mural is going to cost us lots of money in the short term!”

“Well, you’ve just gotta think about the big picture!”

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?"

Patient: "As long as I can remember."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Trump wins in 2020 and has a terrible term as President - don't blame him.

It's likely because he inherited a shit show dumpster fire from the previous 2016 presidency.

You've heard the expression 'tit for tat'?

Well I've got more than enough [tat](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/amp/english/tat). Anyone know where to go to trade it in for my reward?

^Edit: ^was ^not ^aware ^'tat' ^was ^a ^British ^term, ^sorry ^America

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

What is the French term for blue balls?

Sack Le Bleu

What's the most severe long term effect of COVID-19?

The hospital bill.

Why won't republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying babies to full term.

OP is here, I heard this from a friend at work:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=Because%20they%20insist%20on%20carrying%20babies%20to%20full%20term.&restrict\_sr=1&type=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=B...

Kidnapped?

I prefer the term "Surprise Adoption"

Just had a quickie in the back of a UPS truck

Oh whoops... They prefer the term "expedited package delivery"

I just heard there is a new term for 'kidnapper'

Its Transparent

I was shocked when the Republicans wouldn’t vote to convict Trump on his second impeachment.

The first time sure, they always insist a baby is carried to full term.

The second one however, shocking as they actually took care of the baby afterwards.

Woman are like the terms of service

Don't listen, Just agree

I don't like term "dad bod"

I prefer "*father figure*"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss.

Anyways, did you know that masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss?

Trump stated that all Americans will live like royalty by the end of his term

More than 2 million people have been coronated already.

JFK was killed before his second term in office.

He only got one shot.

My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused,

I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions.

Politicians should be limited to two terms.

One in office and one in prison

You know what the terms "no mercy" and "dirty laundry" have in common?

No quarters.

My family is worried about how we'll survive Trump's 2nd term...

...I reassured them that the 2nd term will be manageable, I'm worried about how we'll survive the 3rd.

A friend of mine who suffers from long term memory loss went to an employment agency to find what work he's suited for.

Today he became chief moderator for r/jokes.

What is the proper term for a nation without coherent leadership?

Unpresidented

The United States is currently in an unpresidented situation.

What do you call a gravestone made out of diamond?

A long term investment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese moves to the USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a home on a small piece of land.

The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt thes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the end of school term, a teacher gives her students candy of different flavours

And each flavour has it's own unique colour,
Blueberry-dark blue
Strawberry-red
Etc.

And the teacher decides to have a joke, she gets out a new flavour that no-one tried yet, honey flavoured, and no-one in the class knew what it was.

So the teacher gives a hint saying "The fl...

Do you know what the scientific term is for injecting disinfectant?

Embalming

I hate how we have to be politically correct at the office. My boss said we shouldn't use the term "black" because it's not very professional.

So during coffee break, I asked him: *"How African-American do you like your coffee?"*

I angered two people by calling them hipsters...

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

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