A professor was starting to read and grade the immense stack of term papers on his desk....

....when a young man approached his desk.

“Here’s my paper, sir,” said the student.

“I’m sorry, young man. That paper was due yesterday, and I do not accept late submissions.”

“Well, excuse me, sir,” the student said, haughtily. “Do you know who I am?”

“No, I do not,” re...

Long term pain

During a congress about health care, the speaker asks:
"which food causes extreme suffering, even after years of being eaten?"

After a long silence an elderly raises his hand and replies "A WEDDING CAKE"

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What is military term for premature ejaculation?

Dishonourable discharge.

I tried to research what the term “confirmation bias” means

All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading

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I once was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory

So did I tell you that I was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory?

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My therapist tells me to use the term "breather" instead of "timeout" when disciplining my children, it has worked wonders...

"GO TO YOUR ROOM AND TAKE A FUCKING BREATHER!"

It is I who invented the term, "plagiarism".

However, Al Gore got credit for it.

What's the term for the number of stupid people in an area?

Duncity.

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

There's a term for Presidents like Trump..

Probably not *two* terms though...

The medical term for owning too many dogs....

Rover Dose.

Drinking in IT terms

1 shot= Demo


2 shots= Trial version


5 shots= Personal edition


Half a bottle= Professional Edition


Full bottle= Network Edition


Two bottles= Small Business Edition


Five Bottles= Enterprise Edition


Whole case= C...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

A very long time ago, the ancients struggled to come up with a term for a 24 hour period.

It got very late and they said "lets just call it a day".

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I don't like the term Anal Bleaching.

I prefer calling it Changing Your Ringtone.

There’s a term for people like Trump.

But there’s not a second one.

i went to a support group for short term memory loss

the host said: "good evening, you're probably all wondering why you just walked into this room"

Never trust a website with purple terms and conditions.

They clearly violet your privacy.

I told a Hispanic man that I was trying to come up with a term that would describe low resolution video

He suggested “poor k”.

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

If you thought alcohol was bad for your short term memory...

...just imagine what alcohol will do!

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Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

As his Presidency comes to an end, I think it's important to reflect on the one positive result of Donald Trump's term.

His Covid19 test result.

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

There's a dog walking in the jungle.

Being a dog, he has amazing hearing, and heard a leopard sneaking up on him. He found a bone and starts chewing on it and remarks rather loudly "that was a tasty leopard, I wonder if there's anymore around here!" The leopard, startled by the comment, leaves in a hurry. Meanwhile up in the trees, a m...

If smoking marijuana causes short term memory loss

Than what does smoking marijuana do?

I just ended a long-term relationship today.

I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.

In terms of money, I'm set for life!

Provided I die next Friday

In light of the pandemic - we will no longer use the term "immaculate conception"...

It is being updated to "contactless delivery."

What is the politically correct term for the core of a massive star that went supernova

A hole of color

Another term for man-splainer is...

Autocorrect

Got rejected by long term girlfriend,after I took her to dinner at a fancy restaurant,mustered up the courage,got down on my knee and finally proposed

A threesome with my wife.

They call me terms and conditions

Cause i am always ignored

Term Limits

I believe in term limits because my vocabulary isn't that big

TIL the term "cannibal" is offensive.

They prefer to be called "humanitarians."

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.

Welcome back President Obama we missed you.

If Trump wins a second term he will halt all shredded cheese production.

He is going to make Americans grate again . . .

You've heard the expression 'tit for tat'?

Well I've got more than enough [tat](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/amp/english/tat). Anyone know where to go to trade it in for my reward?

^Edit: ^was ^not ^aware ^'tat' ^was ^a ^British ^term, ^sorry ^America

Upper class people avoid using the term "69" as they feel it's uncouth...

They refer to it as "181".

I don't like the term "old man".

I prefer "always hacky sacking"

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

What is the term for someone who is scared of Santa?

Claustrophobia

I thought you knew the common term for an ancestal entanglement...

A parently knot.

I used to believe there was an ocean of soda.

Then I came to terms that it was just a fanta sea.

I figured out why the term is "urinate"

it's because if you wait until it's a urine-ten, then urine trouble!

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

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What’s the proper term for a dinosaur boner?

A T-Rection

I was shocked when the Republicans wouldn’t vote to convict Trump on his second impeachment.

The first time sure, they always insist a baby is carried to full term.

The second one however, shocking as they actually took care of the baby afterwards.

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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

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Premature ejaculator seeks lady for short term fling

Lady in question must have large breasts, full lips, a nice ass and... OH GOD... never mind...

If you have any doubt whether your reader will understand an abbreviation, write the term out in full.

Otherwise, he will be left in the position of the farmer who shot a crow, then noticed the tag on its leg: ``Wash. Biol. Surv.''

The next day he was talking with his neighbor about the last night's dinner: ``I followed the directions, washed it, boiled it, and put it on the table. Damn crow ...

What do anti-vaxxers do at Covid-19 funerals?

Stare at the ceiling.
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**Thank you** /u/JustNick4 for giving this joke the extremely desirable **Evil Cackle Award**. I've never won an Evil Cackle Award before, so as you can imagine, I'm over the moon. I'm going to put it in the candy bowl every Halloween for the neighbor kids ...

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

“But painting a giant mural is going to cost us lots of money in the short term!”

“Well, you’ve just gotta think about the big picture!”

What is the leading cause of divorce in long term marriages?

A stalemate.

Math Teachers never die

They just reduce to lowest terms

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

Why won't republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying babies to full term.

OP is here, I heard this from a friend at work:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=Because%20they%20insist%20on%20carrying%20babies%20to%20full%20term.&restrict\_sr=1&type=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=B...

What do you call a nonbinary programmer?

A contradiction in terms

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

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For years I’ve been looking for barley legal Jewish porn..

Turns out the proper term is, Yiddish and skittish.

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If Trump wins in 2020 and has a terrible term as President - don't blame him.

It's likely because he inherited a shit show dumpster fire from the previous 2016 presidency.

What's the most severe long term effect of COVID-19?

The hospital bill.

Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?"

Patient: "As long as I can remember."

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

Woman are like the terms of service

Don't listen, Just agree

My dad suffers from short term memory loss...

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.

What is the French term for blue balls?

Sack Le Bleu

I just heard there is a new term for 'kidnapper'

Its Transparent

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The electric components under my drivers side seat all started smoking and burning out of nowhere...

In terms of looking for a new car...this has really lit a fire under my ass.

I don't like term "dad bod"

I prefer "*father figure*"

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A Chinese moves to the USA after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a home on a small piece of land.

The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard, chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt thes...

Trump stated that all Americans will live like royalty by the end of his term

More than 2 million people have been coronated already.

Politicians should be limited to two terms.

One in office and one in prison

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Masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss.

Anyways, did you know that masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss?

JFK was killed before his second term in office.

He only got one shot.

My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused,

I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions.

Why did Obama get two terms?

Because black men always get a longer sentence

You know what the terms "no mercy" and "dirty laundry" have in common?

No quarters.

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What’s another term for “boob sweat”?

Humidititties

My family is worried about how we'll survive Trump's 2nd term...

...I reassured them that the 2nd term will be manageable, I'm worried about how we'll survive the 3rd.

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At the end of school term, a teacher gives her students candy of different flavours

And each flavour has it's own unique colour,
Blueberry-dark blue
Strawberry-red
Etc.

And the teacher decides to have a joke, she gets out a new flavour that no-one tried yet, honey flavoured, and no-one in the class knew what it was.

So the teacher gives a hint saying "The fl...

I angered two people by calling them hipsters...

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

What is the proper term for a nation without coherent leadership?

Unpresidented

The United States is currently in an unpresidented situation.

A friend of mine who suffers from long term memory loss went to an employment agency to find what work he's suited for.

Today he became chief moderator for r/jokes.

I don't care for the term kidnapping

I prefer surprise adoption.

Do you know what the scientific term is for injecting disinfectant?

Embalming

I hate how we have to be politically correct at the office. My boss said we shouldn't use the term "black" because it's not very professional.

So during coffee break, I asked him: *"How African-American do you like your coffee?"*

What is the German term for food shortages?

Wurst Käse Scenario.

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Women see sex like buying a car

Can I see myself in this long term?

Is it safe?

Is it reliable?

Can it kill me?

Guys look at sex like parking a car.

There's a spot.

There's another spot.

Oh I have to pay? Never-mind.

Handicapped? Hope no-one sees this!

"Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia" is the scientific term

For...erm...bear with me..

What is another term for "a pig in a blanket"?

My mother-in-law on a cold day

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

Listen, because I won't tell you again - I'm suffering from short-term memory loss.

Ah, and one more thing - I'm suffering from short term memory loss.

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Poets are like terms of service contracts

They use many words and elaborate eloquent language to describe how they are going to fuck you.

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