There's a term for guys like Donald Trump.

But apparently not 2 terms.

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I don't like the term Anal Bleaching.

I prefer calling it Changing Your Ringtone.

Another term for man-splainer is...

Autocorrect

Upper class people avoid using the term "69" as they feel it's uncouth...

They refer to it as "181".

If smoking marijuana causes short term memory loss

Than what does smoking marijuana do?

What is the term for someone who is scared of Santa?

Claustrophobia

If Trump wins a second term he will halt all shredded cheese production.

He is going to make Americans grate again . . .

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

Why did Trump golf for most of his presidential term?

He wanted to Ace his term.

TIL the term "cannibal" is offensive.

They prefer to be called "humanitarians."

I thought you knew the common term for an ancestal entanglement...

A parently knot.

I figured out why the term is "urinate"

it's because if you wait until it's a urine-ten, then urine trouble!

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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What’s the proper term for a dinosaur boner?

A T-Rection

So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.

Welcome back President Obama we missed you.

If you have any doubt whether your reader will understand an abbreviation, write the term out in full.

Otherwise, he will be left in the position of the farmer who shot a crow, then noticed the tag on its leg: ``Wash. Biol. Surv.''

The next day he was talking with his neighbor about the last night's dinner: ``I followed the directions, washed it, boiled it, and put it on the table. Damn crow ...

Why won't republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying babies to full term.

OP is here, I heard this from a friend at work:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=Because%20they%20insist%20on%20carrying%20babies%20to%20full%20term.&restrict\_sr=1&type=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=B...

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Premature ejaculator seeks lady for short term fling

Lady in question must have large breasts, full lips, a nice ass and... OH GOD... never mind...

“But painting a giant mural is going to cost us lots of money in the short term!”

“Well, you’ve just gotta think about the big picture!”

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Women see sex like buying a car

Can I see myself in this long term?

Is it safe?

Is it reliable?

Can it kill me?

Guys look at sex like parking a car.

There's a spot.

There's another spot.

Oh I have to pay? Never-mind.

Handicapped? Hope no-one sees this!

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

i call myself terms and conditions

because y'all keep ignoring me

My dad said It was Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit and Anders Celsius to create the terms used for thermometer scales

I replied: Don't you think it's egocentric to name everything after yourself?
He said: well, to be fair they both worked hard for their degrees!

Woman are like the terms of service

Don't listen, Just agree

What is the leading cause of divorce in long term marriages?

A stalemate.

What's the most severe long term effect of COVID-19?

The hospital bill.

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If Trump wins in 2020 and has a terrible term as President - don't blame him.

It's likely because he inherited a shit show dumpster fire from the previous 2016 presidency.

I don't like term "dad bod"

I prefer "*father figure*"

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A tale of two friends !!

One was a very bright student while the other one was quite dumb. The brighter one always helped the other passing exams be it a class test or end term exams. The teachers were quite furious with them and at last, called upon a meeting to discuss with the principal what could be done. All came to th...

Politicians should be limited to two terms.

One in office and one in prison

Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?"

Patient: "As long as I can remember."

Basic math

A Jewish boy was failing math,

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.

The boy came home the first day, slammed hi...

Trump stated that all Americans will live like royalty by the end of his term

More than 2 million people have been coronated already.

I just heard there is a new term for 'kidnapper'

Its Transparent

You know what the terms "no mercy" and "dirty laundry" have in common?

No quarters.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

What is the French term for blue balls?

Sack Le Bleu

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

I angered two people by calling them hipsters...

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused,

I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions.

JFK was killed before his second term in office.

He only got one shot.

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At the end of school term, a teacher gives her students candy of different flavours

And each flavour has it's own unique colour,
Blueberry-dark blue
Strawberry-red
Etc.

And the teacher decides to have a joke, she gets out a new flavour that no-one tried yet, honey flavoured, and no-one in the class knew what it was.

So the teacher gives a hint saying "The fl...

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Masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss.

Anyways, did you know that masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss?

Alcohol Addiction

My anxiety has been in overdrive since the start of the Pandemic. I feel like I need more and more alcohol everyday.

I am going through at least a liter of the hard stuff everyday.
I start using as soon as I wake up and don't stop until I go to bed each night.

My Dr. says I need t...

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

Hey, I'm new to this Sub, and think I'm going to have a lot of fun here!

said the lettuce leaf foolishly. He was yet to come to terms that he, and eveyone else in this Sub, are going to be eaten.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!!

That sentence was way too long...

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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

What is the proper term for a nation without coherent leadership?

Unpresidented

The United States is currently in an unpresidented situation.

My family is worried about how we'll survive Trump's 2nd term...

...I reassured them that the 2nd term will be manageable, I'm worried about how we'll survive the 3rd.

I hate how we have to be politically correct at the office. My boss said we shouldn't use the term "black" because it's not very professional.

So during coffee break, I asked him: *"How African-American do you like your coffee?"*

Do you know what the scientific term is for injecting disinfectant?

Embalming

Impeccable

A woodpecker from the United States and a Canadian woodpecker were in Canada arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Canadian woodpecker claimed Canada had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The U.S. woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no ...

A golfer is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole...

...when a second golfer approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.


Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a ...

What is the German term for food shortages?

Wurst Käse Scenario.

A friend of mine who suffers from long term memory loss went to an employment agency to find what work he's suited for.

Today he became chief moderator for r/jokes.

Listen, because I won't tell you again - I'm suffering from short-term memory loss.

Ah, and one more thing - I'm suffering from short term memory loss.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗡𝗮𝗺𝗲'𝘀 𝗙𝗼𝗻𝘁... 𝗖𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗰 𝗙𝗼𝗻𝘁.

The year was 2020.

By some miracle, Julius Caesar woke up in his grave.

Yes, the same dude from Ancient Rome who got whacked by Brutus and his buddies.

The stab wounds on his back had healed and he was alive again.

He dug himself out of his grave and looked at himself in...

Joe : Barack....

Joe : Barack....
Obama : yes Joe, we have to go our on ways after our term is over.
Joe : I’ll miss you man. I’m going to be....
Obama : Don’t you say it !
Joe : I’m going to be ... *cries* .....*sobs*.
Obama : don’t you ever say it !
Joe : it’s just.... ...

My dad suffers from short term memory loss...

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

"Sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia" is the scientific term

For...erm...bear with me..

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Support your answer with a proof

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

The Horse Challenge (LONG)

Every year, during fair season, a local farmer takes his horse and sets up a booth at various fairs. The rules are simple and the reward is great; make his horse nod yes and then shake his head no- doing this earns a $500 prize.

As it so happens fair season is in full swing, and the farmer...

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The term work comes first only works with one profession

If your a prostitute

Trump doesn’t want to leave the White House.

Unfortunately for him, once a baby comes to full-term it has to come out.

What is another term for "a pig in a blanket"?

My mother-in-law on a cold day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poets are like terms of service contracts

They use many words and elaborate eloquent language to describe how they are going to fuck you.

I really hate the term "addict"

I prefer "drug enthusiast"

Marketing terms explained

1. You see a beautiful girl at a party. You walk right over to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
\--That's direct marketing.


2. You're at a party with friends and see a beautiful girl. One friend goes over to her, points at you, and says, "He's fantastic in bed."
\--That...

What is the term for calling into work ill, but you are actually just hungover?

Veisalgia. Seriously?! You came here for the coronavirus. Didn’t you?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Post Turtle (Re-post, but still valid.)

An old man was in the ER having a wound stitched up.

As they chatted the subject eventually turned to politics.
The Dr. asked the man his thoughts on President Trump.

The old man told him that Trump was a post turtle.
Not understand the term the Dr. asked the man what a post turt...

Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan?

Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.

Adam and Eve blundered when they hit "Accept and Continue."

They forgot to read the apple terms of service.

A dwarf walks into a bar, he's very, very thirsty.

The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side.

He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?"

(no answer)

He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?"

(no answer)

He jumps up and down, saying ev...

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

Why did Obama get two terms?

Because black men always get a longer sentence

What did the watermelon say when the honeydew asked it to run away to Vegas and get married?

Sorry I cantaloupe



I made this up eating a green watermelon

If that fly laid eggs in Pence’s hair

...He damn well better carry them to full term!

There are so many politically correct terms for disabled people nowadays...

Things like "special needs," "special ed," and "special Olympics," that's why it worries me so much when I hear of the "special forces" going to war.

Apparently smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory

Well if that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter was interviewing Dick Cheney after his term was up at the White House.

A reporter was interviewing Dick Cheney after his term was up in the white house. The reporter asked “What did you and George do for fun when things got boring?"

"Well we'd run 2 laps around the white house and see who had the best time. My best was 10:24".

"Wow," said the reporter, "t...

Discussing with a woman is like reading software license terms.

In the end you ignore everything and click on "accept".

I dig, You dig, We dig, He dig, She dig, They dig.

Not much of a poem in grammatical terms, but it's pretty deep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

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