UPJOKE
wordsentencereferentsubjectmidtermconditionfull termtenureperiodtimephrasesessionunderstandingverbfuture

A friend told me the new term for Mansplaining

Correctile Dysfunction

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

Ben is serving term in prison for fraud. One day he receives a letter from his father, Maurice

Dear Ben,

It looks like I won't be able to plant anything in the garden this year. I am growing too old to do any digging without your help. Looking forward to your early release.

Love, Dad

Ben replies:

Dear Dad,

Please don't dig up the garden - that's where I hid ...

Whoever coined the term “Expiration Date” made a huge mistake.

It should have been called Spoiler Alert.

When Putin began his first term in office…

When Putin began his first term in office in 1999, he asked the then outgoing president Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin had no prior experience in politics.


Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If thing...

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.


COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

Why didn't Mario complete his presidential term?

He got in Peach

If alcohol can damage your short term memory…

…Imagine the damage alcohol can do

Ladies, don't believe it when a factory worker says he wants a long term relationship.

You'll find he screws nuts and bolts.

TIL there's a scientific term for aquatic mammals losing their fur through evolution

It's called Whale Pattern Baldness.

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Bruce is serving a life term in prison. After a decade or so, he gains a cellmate: Will.

After taking some time to size Will up and decide that he can trust him, Bruce tells Will about his plan to escape.


"You see," Bruce says, "for the past nine years, I've been training my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its...

PSA: the term “Hipsters” is politically incorrect and is considered an offensive slur in many circles

Please use the medically-recommended term “conjoined twins” instead.

call me crazy, but i think it is possible for a Democratic president who spent his first term setting records for high inflation, gas prices and low approval ratings to win a second term in office

Jimmy Carter 2024

Subject: Chemistry Mid-term

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus ...

In terms of weight reduction, doing meth is way more effective than doing math

That's been methamatically proven

Dihydrogen Monoxide is a complex term that can confuse many people

But to make it simple, it really just boils down to steam.

The UN recently published the results of a poll. The topic was: "Please truthfully give your opinion on food shortage in the rest of the world."

Results:

Europeans requested explanation of the term "shortage".

Africans asked what "food" is.

Chinese inquired about the term "opinion".

Americans wondered what "rest of the world" might possibly mean.

And in Italy they are still discussing the meaning of the ter...

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What's the correct term to describe an Alabama Girl that can run faster than her brothers?

Virgin.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I’m not too bothered.

it wasn’t mine.

The four stages of life, in Santa Clause terms.

1) You believe in Santa.

2) You don’t believe in Santa.

3) You pretend to be Santa.

4) You look like Santa.

There's a term for guys like Donald Trump.

But apparently not 2 terms.

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

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What's the medical term for an asshole transplant?

An election.

If you’re interviewing for a fast food job and they ask about your short and long term goals

Short term : I want to work at McDonalds

Long term : I don’t want to work at McDonalds

If Alkohol negatively affects short-term memory,

then what does alcohol do?

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

Why are orphans so bad at poker?

They don't understand the term "full house".

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.

"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.

Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."

The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave...

My girlfriend is like terms and conditions

Because I ignore everything she says and then agree with her.

There’s a term for people like Trump.

But there’s not a second one.

If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,

what does smoking Marijuana do?

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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

Adam & Eve were the first people...

... that didn't understand the Apple terms and conditions.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking the customers if they prefer smoking or nonsmoking.

Apparently the correct terms are "Cremation" and "Burial".

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chiropractors and police officers

What's the difference between a chiropractor and a police officer? One takes a crack at it and then the customer goes home, and the other takes a crack addict and throws him in jail for a very long time. But it's not all differences though. They both offer temporary relief with not much data to prov...

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I once was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory

So did I tell you that I was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory?

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Common reasons why people lie

- To avoid getting hurt
- To avoid hurting others
- To avoid reading the fucking Terms & Conditions

An old woman and her birthday gifts

An old woman had three sons. Two were rich and the other was poor. This woman's 90th birthday was coming up and this depressed the poorer son as he knew he could never match his brothers gifts in terms of expense or splendour.

However, he didn't give up and thought of gift she would really l...

I tried to research what the term “confirmation bias” means

All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading

What’s a term for a group of calm and relaxed children?

Chilldren

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My therapist tells me to use the term "breather" instead of "timeout" when disciplining my children, it has worked wonders...

"GO TO YOUR ROOM AND TAKE A FUCKING BREATHER!"

i call myself terms and conditions

because y'all keep ignoring me

A professor was starting to read and grade the immense stack of term papers on his desk....

....when a young man approached his desk.

“Here’s my paper, sir,” said the student.

“I’m sorry, young man. That paper was due yesterday, and I do not accept late submissions.”

“Well, excuse me, sir,” the student said, haughtily. “Do you know who I am?”

“No, I do not,” re...

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I never enjoyed the term "anal bleaching".

I prefer to call it "changing my ringtone".

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Baseball

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it? "Yes it is. " the man repli...

I had a falling-out with a fellow member of Contract Fetishists Anonymous...

... but we came to terms in the end.

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

TIL the term "cannibal" is offensive.

They prefer to be called "humanitarians."

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

An old man sees a booth for helicopter rides for $50 at the county fair.

He says to his wife, “I’m getting up there in age, and I’ve always wanted to ride in a helicopter.”

His wife says, “absolutely not. 50 bucks is 50 bucks. You don’t need to ride in a helicopter.”

The next year at the fair, he sees the helicopter booth again and he asks again. The conver...

Joe Biden, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson had a near death experience together.

They met God and his closest angels, who told them that their time wasn’t up yet but that each of them could ask one question.

Biden went first. He asked "God, when will the Coronavirus pandemic end?" God made a sign to his angels. They went away and after 30 seconds they came back and whisp...

Why did Obama get two terms?

Because black men always get a longer sentence

What's the term for the number of stupid people in an area?

Duncity.

i went to a support group for short term memory loss

the host said: "good evening, you're probably all wondering why you just walked into this room"

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?

Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

Another term for man-splainer is...

Autocorrect

An Old Couple has Memory Problems

They both continually struggle with short term memory issues, forgetting their keys, glasses and everything else you could possibly imagine!

One day they went to the doctors to ask him what they could do. He told them that one of the best things they can do is write everything down. Not only ...

I’m great at long term jobs!

There isn’t a job in the world I can’t stretch out to at least a year or two...

My dad suffers from short term memory loss...

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

A very long time ago, the ancients struggled to come up with a term for a 24 hour period.

It got very late and they said "lets just call it a day".

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

In light of the pandemic - we will no longer use the term "immaculate conception"...

It is being updated to "contactless delivery."

It is I who invented the term, "plagiarism".

However, Al Gore got credit for it.

Never trust a website with purple terms and conditions.

They clearly violet your privacy.

The medical term for owning too many dogs....

Rover Dose.

If Trump wins a second term he will halt all shredded cheese production.

He is going to make Americans grate again . . .

In terms of money, I'm set for life!

Provided I die next Friday

I don't like the term "old man".

I prefer "always hacky sacking"

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Got rejected by long term girlfriend,after I took her to dinner at a fancy restaurant,mustered up the courage,got down on my knee and finally proposed

A threesome with my wife.

Upper class people avoid using the term "69" as they feel it's uncouth...

They refer to it as "181".

A Round of Golf

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, *"Say, we're about even...

I thought you knew the common term for an ancestal entanglement...

A parently knot.

What is the term for someone who is scared of Santa?

Claustrophobia

Term Limits

I believe in term limits because my vocabulary isn't that big

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Premature ejaculator seeks lady for short term fling

Lady in question must have large breasts, full lips, a nice ass and... OH GOD... never mind...

What is the leading cause of divorce in long term marriages?

A stalemate.

Very few people know the scientific term for identical twins.

Fetus Repeatus.

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My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.'

What the make love is she talking about?

Psychiatrist: "How long have you had short-term memory loss?"

Patient: "As long as I can remember."

The term "Every 60 seconds in Africa..." is really stupid

Everyone knows Africans don't get seconds, they're lucky if they get a single serving.

What is the French term for blue balls?

Sack Le Bleu

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