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National Jokes

Why is the National Rifle Association filing for bankruptcy?

Because schools are closed.

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo...

We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

What nationality were Adam and Eve?

Soviet, of course. Who else would walk around barefoot and naked, have one apple to share between them, and think they were in Paradise?

9/11 was a national tragedy.

So is 11/9.

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"Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!", says a white man to a Chinese national.

"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national.

"But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!"

"No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

What's the difference between a teabag and the German national team?

The teabag stays in the cup longer

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

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The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild:
Since he was a chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Never...

A man calls the First National Bank of Texas. The automated voice answers, "Hello, how can I assist you today?" The man says, "Withdrawal"

The automated voice says, "YEEHAW! HOW Y'ALL RECKON I CAN HELP?!"

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

In a national park, a woman stopped to watch a deer.

A man walked over to her and said, "This is red deer, Cervus elaphus, it's pleased to meet you."

Then she watched him continue to other visitors and say the same thing.

She catches up with him and asks, "Why are you doing this?"

The man responds, "The ranger told me this species...

What is Mexico's national sport?

Cross Country

What does D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexic Association

What's the national bird of Syria

A US drone

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In honor of National Humor Month, I have one.

People say Mules are much hardier than other Equines.

They really only do a half Ass job though.

February 10th should be National Fart Day.

Because it's 2/10.

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Jeff Bezos: "Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer."

Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."

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Happy National Limerick Day!! Here's the classic one for you if you didnt know it.

There once was man from Nantucket

Who's dick was so long he could suck it

He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin

If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.

Edit: Thanks for the great Limericks all of you who contributed. I've been laughing aloud and to tears!
Happ...

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The National Anthem

A drunk guy’s watching the World Series at the bar. The game hasn’t even started and the dude’s already pretty wasted. They just finished singing the National Anthem when the guy says to the bartender, “I betcha $500 I can fart the National Anthem.”

The bartender seeing some easy money take...

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Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

What is Canada’s national board game?

Sorry

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

How do we know that the US founding fathers were pro-mexican?

The national anthem doesn't say: "Hey Frank, look over there!"
Instead it says: "Jose can you see."

What's the nationality of someone with many knees?

Polynesian

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I don't support Trump, but I would never denigrate his supporters

If you're a Trump supporter, "denigrate" means "to put down."

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

What did Zeus pick as Mount Olympus’ national anthem?

Greeced Lightning

What nationality are Minecraft people?

Cuban.

It's National Narcolepsy Day tomorrow

Only six more sleeps!

I wish they would stop playing the national anthem before games

I'm not unpatriotic; I just don't like country music.

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadi...

Which national holiday is also an online cooking assistant?

e-stir

Why is the Scottish national garb called the kilt?

Because if you call it a skirt where they can hear you, you get kilt.

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An English spy, a Scottish spy and an Irish spy are captured by the Nazis.

The Nazis ask if they have any last wishes

The Irishman says "I want the Irish national anthem to be played before I die"

The Scottish man says "I want the Scottish anthem to be played on bagpipes before I die"

The Englishman says "I wanna die first"

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A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

What nationality are best at cleaning mirrors?

Polish

Two days ago I was invited for a National Sorry Day gathering.

Sorry, I couldn't make it.

Why is today National Truckers Day?

Because it’s 10/4 Good Buddy!

Today is National Puzzle Day and National Corn Chip Day

I thought of a joke, but couldn't quite piece it together. Side note: corn chip puzzles are difficult to assemble but they taste good!

Thank goodness it's my first cake day!

A Russian Tourist Travels Abroad.

Border guard: Nationality?

Tourist: Russian.

Border guard: Occupation?

Tourist: No, no, just visiting this time.

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

There's a University called the National University of Science and Technology

It's not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.

Does the International House of Pancakes answer to the United Nations or is it the other way around?

Serious answers only. I'm studying for my AP World History final.

What’s the Ukrainian national bird?

Duck

What is the national dish of Russia?

Empty

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A Jewish man and a Czechoslovakian man...

..were walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear appeared and ate the Czechoslovakian man. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Ranger and told him what had happened. So the ranger took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. "Now...

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

Adam and Eve’s Nationality

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no sh...

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Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

What is China’s national sport?

Hard labour.

I visited the National Air and Space Museum.

I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.

I wanted to watch the National Origami Competition the other day...

...but couldn't because it was paper view.

Today, May 22nd, is National Solitaire Day.

I sent myself a Hallmark card honoring the event.

A young master and his butler visit the Yellowstone National Park.

A young master and his butler visit the Yellowstone National Park.

In the vicinity and unnoticed by the young master is his fiercest rival.

As the young master turns his back, the rival makes a silent attempt on his life.

The butler, always prepared to defend his charge, rushes ...

What is the National Sport of the United States of America?

Depends on which one is on TV right now.

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It’s national sex day, and the only thing I’m Fucking

Is sad

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!"

The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."...

German tourist visits Poland

Guy at the airport: Nationality?

German dude: German

Guy at the airport: Occupation?

German dude: Nein, nein, only vacation.

I never imagined Chris Rock getting slapped on national television…

But I guess if there’s a Will, there’s a way.

Beavers are great dam builders and Canada's national animal.

That's why Canada is the best damn country in the world!

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TIL Vietnam’s national currency is the Dong.

I mean I’ve heard of shit costing an arm and a leg but that just seems cruel.

I was on a first date recently and the girl told me she really liked the national emblem of China

I thought, well that’s a red flag.

~11 year old joke, but I still think it's funny: What's the national bird of Afghanistan?

*"DUCK!!"*

I can’t be in the national organ donor program.

I just don’t have the guts.

A photographer from a well known international magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

When the photographer arrived, he realize that the smoke was so thick, it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything at ground level.

He requested permission to hire a plane and take photos from the air.

Arriving at the airport, he saw a plane warming ...

Did you know that this week is National Diarrohea Week?

It runs from today until Friday

Happy National Parade Day!!!

March Fourth!!!

Told to me by my 6 y/o daughter

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

National Hell

A Venezuelan and American arrive in Hell at the same time, Hell is short-staffed, and so they have orientation together. They are told part of their punishment is eating buckets of human excrement. Normally they would be segregated by nationality, but since they are together now they can each choose...

Yosemite was made a national park...

so people wouldn't take it for granite.

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Bicycles are bad for national economy

Oh Yes Mr. Reader, Bicycles are bad for national economy, even if its sounds ridiculous but it is always true that: -

Cycling is a danger to the country

Now reasons:

• He doesn't buy cars

• He doesn't take loans

• He does not insure the car

• He doesn't b...

National Sarcasm Society

Like we need your support...

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Why is the rooster France's national emblem?

It's the only bird that still sings when it's standing on a shit pile.

Happy Bastille Day!

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.

‘They must have been English,’ declared the Englishman. Only a gentleman would share his first apple with a woman.’

‘They were undoubtedly French,’ said the Frenchman. ‘Who else could seduce a woman so easily?’

‘I think they were Russians,’ said the Russian. ‘After all, who else could ...

April 5th national read a map day

Got an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can read maps backwards.

I thought to myself, "That's just spam."

What do u call someone who has altered their nationality?

An alternative

Italy's national airline, Alitalia, filed for bankruptcy last week.

I've heard a rumor General Electric's aircraft division might be bidding to acquire it.

Supposedly, the new company would be called Gen-Italia.

April 4th National School Librarian Day

I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the self-help books.
She said, “that sort of defeats the purpose doesn’t it?”

A man calls the National Security Agency...

Man: Hello, I heard you record all our phone conversations, is that correct?

Agent: No sir, we don't do that

Man: Oh shoot. I was just talking to my wife and she gave me a list of things to do and I can't remember! I thought I would check with you rather than call her back and let her ...

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NSFW The National Anthem and a blowjob

While at lunch, Joe tells Phil that he hooked up with someone the previous night. Joe mentions that the woman he hooked up with (let's call her Ann) gave him some of the best head he's ever had. Curious about this amazing blowjob, Phil asks Joe what made it so special. Joe then says that Ann sang th...

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I look up to my grandfather as a national hero

He did many great thing, he was a soldier in ww1 and even killed hitler in ww2.

Why is the North Korean National library so big?

Because Kim Jong-Un is a supreme reader!

The New National Symbol

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually bein...

For National No Excuses Day

I think I'll have some cake.

I read an article that said over half of the paintings in the National Gallery are counterfeit.

It was fake news.

Celebrate, it's national punctuation day! Let's eat, Grandma

Let's eat Grandma.

France's's National Cheese Museum just blew up

Over five hundred people were injured by de brie

Christmas Joke... Three men died....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it o...

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