Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Be...

You know the scene, balding dude in a convertible with a hot chick.

She peels off her top and says "Faster you go, the more i take off!"

She's down to her socks and he's doing 120 mph when they crash. Dazed and confused she finds the driver pinned in the car and goes for help, but all she can find to cover her bits is his shoe.

Stumbling out into the h...

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A horse has been stolen from old farmer Sven, so Sherlock Holmes was called to the scene to investigate the crime.

The horse was black with white big spots on it according to farmer Sven. Holmes searched for clues together with his trustworthy friend and assistant, Dr. Watson, and found a vague trail of horse cloves and a persons shoes going away towards a strangers stable.

Holmes knocks on the door to t...

How do you ID a person in a bukkake scene? [NSFW]

Facial recognition.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sex scene between two trans people? (NSFW)

Transaction.

Filmed my first bukkake scene today.

I just hope I came across well on camera.

11:45 Arrive at the crime scene

11:45 Examine body, signs of a struggle
11:45 Found murder weapon in storm drain
11:45 Realize watch is broken

Best scene/joke from M*A*S*H*

General Barker storms into Colonel Blake's office hoping to find him but instead finds Radar sitting at his desk drinking and smoking.

Barker: What are you doing, Corporal?

Radar: Doing, sir?

Barker: D-O-I-N-G, what are you doing?

Radar: Listening to you spell "doing," si...

In the famous severed horse head scene in The Godfather they originally were going to use a Swordfish.

It didn't really fit in with the marlin brand-though.

A physicist on trial for murder stated that Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle made it impossible to place him at the scene of the crime

The judge gave him a life sentence and told him to use his expertise to determine what quantity of his person was within or outside of prison at any given time

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

A chickpea got called to a murder scene

It was a hummucide

If you start the Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and the passion of the Christ at the same time the scenes don’t match up at all

It turns out Jesus was more of a nine inch nails guy

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Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile.

The governor took one look and announced "That's shit, that is."

"I know." Replied Rolf. "But if you'd let me have paints..."

We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene

It doesn't add up

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.

The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, 'Are you seriously hurt?'

'How should I know?' the man answers, 'I'm not a lawyer!'

I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...

and everybody brought gifs.

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I do porn, and the company I work for has a guy who writes all the blowjob scenes. He has the girls use their teeth, never pay attention to the balls, and only lick the tip.

I don’t know whose dick this guy sucked to become the head writer

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

Dear Dad

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ...

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There was no Nativity scene in Washington D.C. for Christmas last year

The Supreme Court ruled that there could not be a nativity scene on Capitol Hill. This was not for religious reasons. Rather, no one was able to find three wise men anywhere in the nation’s capital. They also had no luck finding a virgin woman. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to...

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Did you hear about the porn star who wanted to do a scene with all five members of Aerosmith?

They gave it a try, but they could only get Foreigner

A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e

*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

Trump explodes in anger as he's refused entry to nativity scene

Proof once and for all that he's unstable

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Last weekend I got really drunk at a bar and lost my virginity with a cougar

The zookeeper was pretty quick to get the cops on scene and arrest me.

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

The royal calligrapher's apprentice.

In the late 1400s there was a young man named Pablo. He was apprenticed to the royal calligrapher for the king of Spain. One day the royal calligrapher gathered his apprentices for a lesson.

"Any letter penned for his majesty must be penned with Ink made here in Spain! It would be a trav...

Two turtles get mugged...

Two turtles are walking down the street, while all of a sudden, a third turtle comes up to them and robs them. The two call the police to report the robbery, and when the police officer comes to the crime scene and asks the two turtles what happened, one of them replies, "I don't know....it all happ...

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A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

The police were called to a crime scene.

They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.

She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"

Cop "How many times did you hit him?

Wife " I don't remember. Put me down for a six"

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

Age brings wisdom

A cruel pet owner abandons his old dog in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. 
The dog immediately se...

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

“Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy”

“Wow” says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

“That’s some locomotive”

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal:

- Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million.
No one dared to move for awhile, and then suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.
With enormous luck came, taking everyone's admiration a...

A pastor is on a plane when the man next to him strikes up a conversation.

After some pleasantries, the pastor says, "I'm flying across the country raising money for my parish. I've been performing small miracles hoping people will donate money to me. You see, I ask the Lord to provide a person's favorite food on the spot. My best luck is with college grads who are nostalg...

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The new nurse on the scene

A suspected Covid-19 patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse arrives to give him a quick sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,...

I was watching a fighting scene and I told my dad “I couldn’t jump that high if my life depended on it!”

And my dad replied “but what if a bowl of ice cream depended on it?”

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Dwayne Johnson is doing a battle scene for a movie...

When suddenly the villain he is fighting kicks him in the butt.

Dwayne shocked, responds "you've just hit rock's bottom"

A man is driving down the road when he sees flashing lights up ahead.

It transpires a lorry load of penguins has turned over. The police are frantically trying to herd the penguins off the road to safety.

As he arrives at the scene he sees an officer with a penguin under each arm. He rolls down the window and says, "Officer is there anything I can do to help?" ...

So.. When Mr Freeze leaves a crime scene..

So... when Mr Freeze has left a crime scene, you know its his work because people are frozen/there are frozen objects around right?

I would go as far to say thats him leaving his "Cooling Card"

Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay!

Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

There was an accident at the glass factory today

Onlookers could Only describe the scene as "paneful to watch"

What's a James Cagney love scene?

When he lets the other guy live.

Someone broke into my house and stole my toilet.

Local police investigated the crime scene, but had nothing to go on.

Weather Journalist

A film crew was on a location deep in the Arizona desert. One day an old Red Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain".

The next day it rained. A week later, the red Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm".

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"Th...

Two old friends meet on the street one day who haven’t seen each other in years...

“Tony! Is that you?”

“Hal! You look terrific! What’s your secret?”

“I hit a hitchhiker late at night three years ago when I was drunk and fled the scene, leaving him for dead.”

“Um... I meant for looking so young.”

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client

First the bad news:

The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"

Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"


"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are called to investigate a murder at a quarry one day...

When they arrive at the scene of the crime, it's already been taped off and other investigators are there. Holmes and Watson push their way to the front as they typically do and start going to work.

"Holmes, look at this, what is it?" Watson asked.

"Why that's the butt end of a cigar o...

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

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Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins

\-Son, leave the room please.

\-Dad, but I'm 23...

\-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.

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A young couple doesn't have enough money to get through the month.

They try everything to earn some income. They put their furniture up for sale, but no one wants it. They ask friends and family for help, but no one supports them.

In despair, he says to her: "Unfortunately, I don't see any other way... You have to prostitute yourself, that's our last option!...

My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.

It’s a little drum attic.

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A man was speeding along the road in a van, doing well over 100, until he was pulled over by a police car. "Sir, do you know how fast you were going? Let me see your license" The man responded "Officer, I don't have a license"

"What?? Where is the paperwork for this van?"
r>"I don't have any paperwork, this is a stolen van. I was making a drug run when you stopped me."

The officer immediately pulled the man out of the van, handcuffed him, and put him in the back of his police car before calling for backup....

Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene?

To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

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Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer.

Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.

*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *

Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?

Officer: No shit, Sherlock.

[LONG] Three Robbers Are Making a Getaway.

Having escaped the museum with a Van Gogh, a Monet, and a Picasso, they toss them into their rucksack and get out of there. As they begin driving off, the police arrive on the scene and pursue them for 12 miles. Their car runs out of fuel and they break down behind a barn. Grabbing the paintings, th...

I got kicked out of the modern art exhibit I was working at...

Apparently the correct term is "crime scene."

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Piker

When Peter Piker peeked at Penny,

And peeped her perfect pooper

His peepers paused and then his jaw

Plopped down into a stupor



But he perked up and pressed his luck;

Professed he pined to pipe her

He self-composed and then proposed

While poin...

Forrest Gump died and went to Heaven...

As Forrest approaches the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him.
“Ah, welcome, Mr. Gump. We’ve been anxiously awaiting your arrival.”
Forrest looked intently, not quite sure what to make of the scene in front of him.
“Forrest, before I let you into Heaven, I need you to answer three quest...

A man named Tenison March was filmed exiting the bureau of births, deaths and marriages.

Footage shows that seconds later, another man named “Samsung Galaxy-9 Jr” (formerly Allen Frank) was seen throwing wild punches at March.

March, an ex-Green Beret, was able to fend off the attack until police arrived on the scene to make an arrest.

Galaxy-9 has been charged with batter...

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"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.

Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 12-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scene: kitchen

Son: \*walks in\*

Son: Mom, I'm gay.

Mom: \*taking off wig\* **Good.**



that's dark humor for ya

One day, a little boy decides to write his Christmas letter as usual. When all of a sudden, his mom pops into his room.

Mom: What are you doing son?

Boy: Writing my letter to santa mom

Mom: With how bad you've been this year you'll have to write a letter to Jesus to get anything!

So the boy starts to write his letter to Jesus, and has to think about what he's going to say.

'Dear Jesus, I'v...

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How many sexual predators does it take to start a local music scene?

Come to the show and find out. It starts at 8, $10 to get in girls get in free if they show their tits, our bands on at 10 you should definitely check us out we’re really good I’ve been trying to get us a record deal. Anyway you trying to come to my place after this I have a 12 pack of twisted teas ...

Want to hear a crime scene joke?

Well move along, there's nothing to see here.

A recent archeological dig has uncovered a set of 2300 year old Roman gold rings, with a small golden figure of a Tick attatched to it, missing all its legs...

Archeologists originally believed it to be simple wear and tear, until it was discovered there were no signs of soldering on the bodies of the golden ticks, indicating they were intentionally made legless. A professor on the scene theorized that these rings were a gesture of romantic interest or a p...

What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation?

Returning to the scene of the crime.

In the original Star Wars Peter Mayhew once had to redo a scene because he missed his cue.

It was a Wookiee mistake

RIP Peter.

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good Friends

Two young fellas were out for a walk one day. As they walked, they came upon a sheep farm. A little further down, they came upon a sheep with his head stuck in the fence. One of these boys, a very naughty boy, ran right over, pulled down his pants, and really fucked the hell out of this sheep. I...

A long time ago in Judaea...

There's a woman buried up to her neck in the sand, and angry villagers are eagerly waiting with sticks and stones.

But! There comes a man, and he's beautiful and charismatic, and when he speaks, everybody listens. So he speaks and he concludes "he who never sinned throweth the first stone", a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have one question for porn directors who end scenes with a thirty second close-up of the dude's face.

Where the fuck do you get off?

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around

There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fl...

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This is very funny, but it’s more of a visual joke than one for here. But it always gets a laugh when you perform it right.

A police detective is called to the scene of a fatal car crash. Inside are two people- a man and a woman... and curiously enough, a little monkey who survived unscathed. The detective is trying to piece together what happened and muses out loud to the monkey- “Boy, I sure wish you could tell me what...

Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.

One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."

My girlfriend out-dad joked me today

Scene: I’m making coffee and using scissors to open a new bag of coffee:

Me: These scissors are blunt, we need new ones.

Her: Well they work fine on paper.

Me: *facepalm*



The student surpasses the master. I’m not even mad.

While growing up, Thor was always grandstanding and making a scene.

But his brother remained low key.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said we should reenact a porn scene that I would like.

So I said, "Leave the house for a few hours then."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prime Minister's Wife Makes a Faux Pas

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and ...

A man awakens in the middle of the night to find that his house was being robbed.

He calls up the local police to ask for someone to help stop them.

"Help, my house is being robbed!" He says to the dispatcher.

"We're sorry, but there are no cars available to help you right now. Please lock yourself in your room and we will send an officer by in the morning to take a...

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That scene in Pulp Fiction

where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.

09:51 Find murder victim.

09:51 Cordon off the area.

09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.

09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

A policeman arrives at the crime scene

"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"

"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."

"How do you know that?"

"He told me as he was running off."

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.







"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.





...

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In a Nazi concentration camp

The inmates were being led into the gas chamber. One of them slip in front of the door, hit his head and died on the spot, before going inside the gas chamber. And the rest of the inmates were gassed to death too.

They meet each other in heaven and started laughing hysterically about how the ...

6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator

I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood

Two Texan cops arrive at a crime scene...

Cop 1, after inspecting the body of the black victim: "I've counted 28 gunshots."

Cop 2: "Wow, this might be the nastiest suicide I've ever seen!"

My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain tha...

I’ve been in the BDSM scene for a while. Recently, I developed feelings for a girl that wanted me to control her. She was amazing...

She was definitely a r/subifellfor

I told my wife I'd never leave her unless aliens came to take me.

It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the detective say when she discovered the toilet at the crime scene?

Shit went down here.

A woman in a park called 911. When the police officer arrived at the scene, he saw two men, standing on their hands, dashing towards a line painted on the ground. The police officer was livid at the woman having wasted his time.

"This ain't a scene," he said, "it's a goddamn arms race."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was masturbating to this sex scene once

They asked me to leave the movie theatre and didn’t even refund my ticket

I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey.

Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college.

A karate professional is shooting a movie scene

He fails the first take, to which the director remarks, "Aren't you a professional? "

"Yeah, but this is take one though. "

A new set designer was hired at the filming company.

He was fired shortly after for making a scene.

Why could Will Smith never get away with murder?

First thing they look for at a crime scene is fresh prints.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene.

When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, "That's round John Virgin."

TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande

Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue.

Joke Johnny Carson slipped by the censors

I'm not sure if this was an original Carson joke or one he could have borrowed:

One night Johnny got to talking about his Nebraska roots and he told this alleged true story during a sketch scene. Johnny mentioned that the most fearsome Indian tribe were not the Sioux, nor the Apache or even ...

The stupid criminal hall of shame.

STUPID-CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAM:

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene a...

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Watching a sex scene with my parents is so awkward.

My mom is such a bad actress.

My wife is a forensic crime scene investigator, but she refuses to get pregnant.

No one puts baby in a coroner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[LONG] A Police Officer pulls up on the scene of a horrible accident...

A van went off the road and crashed into a tree. Expecting the worst, the officer looks inside and finds a man and woman dead. All of a sudden, he hears a monkey that was inside of the vehicle as well.

Surprised, the Officer exclaims, "What the hell is going on here?!"

*Reacting, th...

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