It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.

“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men...

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Dad and son are watching a movie when the sex scene starts...

Dad:-"Son, its time for you to go to bed."

Son:-"But dad, I'm 16. I know everything about sex."

Dad:-"I don't give a crap how old you are. You are not watching me jack off! "

I’ve been in the BDSM scene for a while. Recently, I developed feelings for a girl that wanted me to control her. She was amazing...

She was definitely a r/subifellfor

Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene.

When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, "That's round John Virgin."

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

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A woman was arrested for murder. It was easy to find her because she left her bra at the scene and she had two different sized breasts. The bra was marked Exhibit “A”

Her tits were marked Exhibits “B” and “C”

What do you call a swordfish that acts out scenes from the Godfather?

Marlin Brando

Christopher Nolan was directing a scene when the chopper Batman was flying suddenly burst into flames.

Nolan yelled, "CHRISTIAN, BAIL!!"

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So I decided to set up my new nativity scene, but I made it keep true to the american spirit.

...and thus removed all the jews, foreigners, africans, and the immigrants.

I had nothing but sheep and a jackass. So... it's definitely an American Nativity Scene.

A detective walks away from a crime scene "another cold blooded murderer"

"what's turning all these lizards to crime?"

Did you Chewbacca became a film director? The actors keep complaining he hasn’t gotten one scene right yet...

Wookie Miss Takes

Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.

One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."

How amazing is that scene from The Last Jedi where Rey makes the boulders float..

CGI Rocks!

Yesterday, when I rode through Nottingham Forest, I witnessed a bizarre scene: Robin Hood was in the middle of a sandwich with Richard Lionheart and a homeless girl.

Surprised, I stopped and shouted "What are you doing?"


And Robin Hood shouted back: "Can't you see that? I take it from Rich and give it to the poor."

A woman in a park called 911. When the police officer arrived at the scene, he saw two men, standing on their hands, dashing towards a line painted on the ground. The police officer was livid at the woman having wasted his time.

"This ain't a scene," he said, "it's a goddamn arms race."

They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime

That must be why there’s so many Australians in London nowadays

09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.

09:51 Find murder victim.

09:51 Cordon off the area.

09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.

09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

The scene is West Germany, circa 1974

A BAOR^* captain goes into a brothel and wishes the madam a good evening, and asks "How much would you charge for the pleasure of my company?"

"One hundred and twenty-five Deutschmarks, if you please," she answers. The captain nods agreement, takes out his wallet and hands over a few notes,...

I was packing my luggage with German sausage, when my wife told me, "Don't overfill it. Last time it exploded in the airport and you caused a scene".

"Dont be silly", I said, "you're always thinking of the wurst case scenario".

A wowan was found brutally beaten in her home with a bloody kaleidoscope left at the scene.

Police are looking into it and have identified several different colours.

Two detectives are investigating a crime scene in a plastic surgeons O.R. (Long)

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma...

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A sex scene came up on the telly.

My ten-year-old son was next to me. I said, "Put your hands over your eyes."

He said, "Why!"

I said, "Just do. I didn't realise these bits made it into the wedding video."

This young lady got tired of the losers she's been meeting in the dating scene.

One day, out of frustration, she posts an ad in the local personals;

"I'm looking for an honest man. One who is witty, won't hit me, and won't run around on me, and is good in bed."

Several days passed and there was no response, so she forgot about it.

Two weeks later, her doorb...

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What does a politician and a sex scene on the Titanic have in common?

They're fucking disasters

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A boy was watching TV with his father

When a sex scene came on.
"well son, time for bed" the father says.
"but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains.
The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins

\-Son, leave the room please.

\-Dad, but I'm 23...

\-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.

I'm gonna dress up as Forest Gump tonight and go to the movies and make a a scene.

Then I will have to apologize for ruining their Black Panther party

I screwed up the scene in the movie where I walked through an incredibly light rain.

It was a mist take.

What do you call a cholo investigating a crime scene?

Sherlock homes foo.

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

A terrorist struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...

"Abominable. Simply abominable."

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

A policeman arrives at the crime scene

"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"

"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."

"How do you know that?"

"He told me as he was running off."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Long It is an ancient scene...

It is an ancient scene. A mob is chasing a thief down a road and they are going to stone him to death. He runs, turns down an alley and it is a dead end with one door at the end. He runs to the door but it is locked, so he bangs on the door but there is no answer. The crowd converges on him. Suddenl...

Sherlock Holmes and Watson find themselves at a scene of utter carnage...

As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, “Arm yourself Watson, there's an evil hand afoot ahea...

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.

This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Police were called to the scene of a murder

A man escaped a mental hospital and stole some porcelain figurines. Later that night he snuck into a farmers field and used them to beat a cow to death with them.

It was the first documented case of a nic-nac patty wack

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure...

There once was a young engineer,

who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place.

He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, an...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

How the First Scene of Star Wars Ep 9 Will Save the Franchise

"Jar Jar Binks Wakes up from a Dream..."

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[LONG] A Police Officer pulls up on the scene of a horrible accident...

A van went off the road and crashed into a tree. Expecting the worst, the officer looks inside and finds a man and woman dead. All of a sudden, he hears a monkey that was inside of the vehicle as well.

Surprised, the Officer exclaims, "What the hell is going on here?!"

*Reacting, th...

Remember that scene from A Christmas Story where the people at the Chinese restaurant were singing "Fa ra ra ra raaa..."?

They were really filled with that no-L spirit.

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What the fuck would you say?

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." <...

So a Police Officer in Arkansas is Investigating a Crime Scene

**Disclaimer: This is not my joke, it is one my friend told and I got their permission to share it here.

As he's investigating the scene in the outskirts of town, he notices a Toyota in a ditch. He notes this down and writes on his pad.

**October 16, 1:30 PM. There is a Toyota Corolla ...

A baker approaches a crime scene and asks the cop what happened...

"Sorry, that's on a knead to dough basis."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Watching a sex scene with my parents is so awkward.

My mom is such a bad actress.

Two robbers were running away from the crime scene when a bus gets sandwiched between them.

The one in front got tired, and the one behind got exhausted.

A Guy is being questioned in the police station, having just witnessed a murder.

They ask him if he can recall any details about the crime he had just witnessed, but the guy can't remember a single thing.

After a few hours of questioning and getting nowhere, the detectives decide to try something different and hand the guy a piece of paper and a pencil.

They ask ...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

Sometimes whenever I watch an underwater scene in a movie I try to hold my breath as long as the characters do to see if I'd survive in that situation.

I almost died watching Finding Nemo.

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.







"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.





...

Ugly scenes

Ugly scenes in centre of Leicester this evening

An 'anti Trump' protestor threw a traffic cone, narrowly missing US President by 5802 miles

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What do you call a dude who only masturbates to sad scenes in movies?

A tear-jerker.

Did you guys hear about that Mexican stunt man that died?

At the funeral, his mom was crying and yelling at the director saying:

“Jesus died for your scenes!”

Have you seen that movie with the war at the camp grounds?

I don’t remember what it’s called, but the battle scenes were in tents.

I'm making a film about emos.

I really need to stop saying "cut!" at the end of each scene.

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A woman goes to a pet store to buy a companion.

The assistant in the pet store however guides her to the aquarium and says "these frogs are on special.'
"Why would I want a frog" says the woman.
The shop keeper looks around sheepishly then says "this frog gives the best oral sex in the world, MIND BLOWING!!"
The woman immediately buys ...

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Did you hear about the porn star who wanted to do a scene with all five members of Aerosmith?

It didn't quite work out. They could only get Foreigner

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
<...

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey...

For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.

An inspector arrives at murder scene of an obese man by a cannibal

It was a lot to digest

What do you call an albino in a BDSM scene?

Whipped cream.

What does Will Smith leave at a crime scene?

Fresh Prints

Was driving down the street when I saw someone getting jumped by 3 guys. I quickly pulled over and ran towards the scene.

I got there and the 4 of us messed him up good.


Source: 75 year old Mexican father-in-law

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A man was pulled over for speeding.

A man was late for an important function and was speeding a good 25 mph over the speed limit when a state trooper pulled him over.

Officer: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?

Man: I guess so officer, I knew I couldn’t outrun the law forever. The gun is in my glove compartment, a k...

A detective shows up at a crime scene

A bakery has been broken into. After some investigation, a police officer checks up on the detective.

The officer asks, "How's the investigation going?"

"Not good. Hundreds of dollars worth of quality pastries have been stolen." said the detective.

"I heard that there's been a ...

A cops calls for backup from a crime scene

This is officer John, please send backup, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

Have you arrested the woman?

No Sir, the floor is still wet.

Deleted scene from The Shining

[Jack Nicholson chops into door with axe]

[Shelley Duvall screams]

[Jack Nicholson sticks his head through the hole in the door] HEEEEERE'S JOURNEY!!!

["Any Way You Want It" starts playing]

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In a crime scene....

"So, Rookie, What do you make of all this?"

"Well, the vic was found naked in bed, severely beaten to death. Sounds like a clear cut murder case if you ask me"

"close. Our prime suspect is his wife, a morbidly obese woman who says he asked to be on the bottom during sex"

"So it ...

Police apprehended a shady exterminator who releases pests into client's homes

They caught him fleaing the scene

Have you heard about Michigan's music scene??

I hear there's a lot of heavy metal in Flint. :^)

What's the dating scene like at MIT?

Carbon-14 is the most common method, I believe.

Prince's housekeeper of 30 years was offered a job as a crime scene investigator.

She was considered highly qualified due to her decades of experience dusting for Prince.

Two Texas Rangers arrive at a crime scene...

Two Texas Rangers arrive at a crime scene...

There they find a black male hanging from a tree by a noose with 4 bullet holes in his back ...

The rookie asks "what do you think sir?"
The Sgt. Replies "Goddamn worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

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Did you hear about the porn star who got jizz in her eye during a scene?

She didn't see that one coming.

The Tie Salesman

There’s a great haberdasher by the name of Igor Kavinsky who made his name in the former Soviet Union for his luxurious ties. They were remarked to be the best, better than the best, the best of the best. With a reputation like that, it was no wonder that he was popular amongst the elite of the elit...

An old woman decides to commit suicide

She has kids who dont call her, she is a widow, and she cant do anything by herself anymore. So she decides to go see her doctor and asks him what is the best place to shoot herself to die instantly . The doctor reluctantly responds: " slightly to the left of your breast". So she goes back home and ...

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Discussing my new-found kink has been rough

It turns out the only thing I am sexually attracted to is final scene from the movie Heat. I've tried to talk to my friends about it



But nobody wants to hear how I came to that conclusion.

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Philadelphia Eagles. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.

He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier wit...

What do the final scene of titanic and the iPhone 7 have in common?

They both could've fit the jack

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A man was eating a bright, red apple.

It was on a warm, sunny day that the most peculiar of things occurred. A man, was happily snacking on a bright, red apple when, too lazy to walk to a trash can, he threw it out the window. A seemingly non-problematic apple would have been ignored under any other circumstances, but the man lived on t...

A police officer in Newfoundland happens across a gruesome scene on the side of the highway.

A police officer in Newfoundland happens across a gruesome scene on the side of the road.

He radios headquarters to send in forensics. He then assesses the scene. It's horrible. He takes out his note pad and starts to record his observations.


He approaches the rear of the vehicle ...

I am outraged at the current state of video games

My son, who is eight years old, recently showed me his new “flute-em-up” game, tuba raider, and I am outraged at the amount of violins in it. Later, he asked me for GTAV (Great Tambourines And Violins) and I was horrified when I saw it had a sax scene with a prostitute and you could even do drums. D...

The dairy farm

A man hears word of a dairy farm that runs a brothel behind the scenes, and decides to go check it out. When he gets there, the old farmer that runs the place informs him of how things work.

Farmer: We're not a brothel in the traditional sense. See, there's a wall over there with 3 holes ...

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An old man stares at a young scene girl with rainbow hair...

The young girl says "Whats the matter old man...never done anything crazy in your life?"

The old man shook his head and said "Got high and fucked a parrot once....was just wondering if you were my daughter."

Death in the Supermarket

Constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, da...

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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.

'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and yo...

In a suburb of Boston, there was a Catholic church across the street from a Jewish synagogue.

Over the years, a friendly rivalry had grown between the two congregations. One weekend, the members of the synagogue gave their long-time rabbi a brand new Cadillac. By sheer coincidence, the parishioners gave their pastor a new Cadillac on the same day.

Everyone laughed at the coincidence...

I was going to make a scene when they told me I couldn't join the Easter Egg hunt...

...instead I just left without a Peep.