The 114+ Best Scene Jokes

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

11:38 - Arrived at crime scene.

11:38 - Examined body. Signs of a struggle.

11:38 - Found murder weapon in drain.

11:38 - Realised watch was broken.

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

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Dad with his son are watching a movie when a sex scene begins

\-Son, leave the room please.

\-Dad, but I'm 23...

\-I don't give a fuck how old you are, you're not going to watch me jack off.

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.

"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.

...

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

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Taxi driver, fresh on the scene, picks up his first passenger

The driver started to head to the location requested by the passenger. 10 whole minutes had passed with complete silence. The radio wasn't even turned on. A fitting comedown from the hectic workday the passenger had.

He then notices a Denver Broncos bobble head toy on the drivers dashboard, ...

I am shooting a scene about a Korean martial art. The second shot wasn’t perfect by any means.

Take one though…

Luke Skywalker took a hissy fit in a restaurant. Try as he might, using Chopsticks was seemingly far beyond his fledgling Jedi skills. Embarrassing himself and causing a bit of a scene, Ben Kenobi leans over and offers some wisdom:

"Use the forks, Luke!"

Scene at the supermarket...

Customer: Pardon me, but are these vegetables genetically modified?

Clerk: No, sir. Why do you ask?

Carrot: Yeah, why do you ask?

Most people don't realize that the actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun: Maverick...

...is the same actor who played Wilson in the 2000 movie "Castaway".

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Watching a sex scene with my parents is so awkward.

My mom is such a bad actress.

Have you guys scene the new john Wilkes booth movie?

I’ve heard it’s mind blowing.

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[NSFW] What do you call a Japanese femdom scene?

Jpeg

I asked my proctologist friend if he had any luck with the dating scene.

He said he didn't have time because he had gotten behind at work.

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What did Watson say to Sherlock Holmes when they found an empty diaper at the crime scene?

No shit Sherlock

Scene (and heard) at the Confessional...

Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I am 67 years old and I am dating a 22 year old.

Priest: Wait! I know that voice! Mr. Singh, is that you?

Man: Yes, father.

Priest: But you’re not Catholic. Why are you telling me?

Man: I’m telling everyone.

Scene (and heard) in the doctor's office.

Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me! I keep dreaming that I'm a deck of cards!"

Doctor: "I'll deal with you later."

An officer is at the scene of a car accident filling out a report...

Officer: "Let's see here, driver deceased.
Cause of death? Decapitation. Location of body? Torso in gutter, head in medeon... uh... meddi... medan..." *kicks head*... "Head also in gutter."

Typical, isn't it? You wait for ages for a decent bukkake scene ....

Then three come at once.

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Sherlock Holmes arrives at a crime scene, and immediately bends down to pick up a button on the floor.

“Hmm…” Sherlock ponders, “I deduce that the individual this button belongs to is 6’ 1”, was born in January, and has a fascination with blueberry muffins.”

Watson was completely confused by his partner’s deduction.

“How could you possibly get all that from just a button?”

“Eleme...

Little known fact: as a joke, Peter Jackson made some of the Ents drink tea and chat in the background during the big fight scene at Isengard in the Two Towers

In other words, the real joke is in the calm Ents.

Police were called to the scene of a suspected mass grave of snowmen

upon further investigation, it was determined to be a carrot patch

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Passed a crime scene today…

…some jerk was taking a nap right in the middle of everything.

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

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[LONG] A Police Officer pulls up on the scene of a horrible accident...

A van went off the road and crashed into a tree. Expecting the worst, the officer looks inside and finds a man and woman dead. All of a sudden, he hears a monkey that was inside of the vehicle as well.

Surprised, the Officer exclaims, "What the hell is going on here?!"

*Reacting, th...

Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?

of course, he was, after all, his double. I’ll see myself out.

Was the horse head scene in the Godfather…..

A one horse slay?

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 Shades of Grey...

For example, the one where she gets a job right out of college.

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy. 'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got B...

What's the dating scene like at MIT?

Carbon-14 is the most common method, I believe.

A police dispatcher is taking a call from the scene of a domestic disturbance...

Officer on scene: We're at 1120 Elm Street. A woman has just shot her husband for walking on her freshly mopped floor.

Dispatch: Have you apprehended the suspect?

Officer: Negative; the floor is still wet.

A chickpea got called to a murder scene

It was a hummucide

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking “That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, I’m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good meal”

But the bear don’t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

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It's 1956 and iconic film director Cecil B. DeMille isgetting ready to shoot the most expensive scene ever filmed: the parting of the Red Sea in his movie "The Ten Commandments."

The scene required 2200 extras and 800 animals and could be shot only once. So DeMille arranged for one not, not two, not even three cameras but four camera/cameraman set-ups surrounding the scene.

Everything's in place. DeMille shouts, "Cameras! Action!" and the scene unfolds. The moment it...

Detective 1: "Why do you keep bringing Quasimodo to the crime scenes? He doesn't have any real facts or information."

Detective 2: "Say what you will about him, but he's got a hunch."

A cops calls for backup from a crime scene

This is officer John, please send backup, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

Have you arrested the woman?

No Sir, the floor is still wet.

I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...

and everybody brought gifs.

Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.

One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."

A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e

*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.

09:51 Find murder victim.

09:51 Cordon off the area.

09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.

09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

“Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy”

“Wow” says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

“That’s some locomotive”

The private detective is called to a crime scene

As he enters the very large and rustic mansion, he is led to the location where the body was found. It seems like the perfect crime scene. No prints, no clues, just a dead man, with no signs of how he was murdered.

The detective says: “do you have any suspects?” The police officer in charge o...

8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene

- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim’s phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the murderer was driving away...

In the original Star Wars Peter Mayhew once had to redo a scene because he missed his cue.

It was a Wookiee mistake

RIP Peter.

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Did you hear about the porn star who wanted to do a scene with all five members of Aerosmith?

They gave it a try, but they could only get Foreigner

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What do you call a sex scene between two trans people? (NSFW)

Transaction.

A duck and a detective are investigating a crime scene.

Duck: It looks like the man was stabbed

Detective : Do you suspect fowl play?

Duck: please focus, there may be a killer on the loose.

Detective: You’re right, I really hope we can quack this case and put it to bread

Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grand kids, so I made my own.

A bank robber gets hold of the cash he needs but before fleeing the scene he demands the regular customers to stand in a line

The bank robber ask the first guy in line: "did you see what happened here?"

First guy: "I sure did! And I'm gonna tell the police exactly what happened and what you look lik..."
The bank robber shoots him in the head and ask the next in line the same question.

Second guy: "I assure...

We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene

It doesn't add up

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

Whenever I'm in trouble, I ask myself what Jesus would do now.

And then I play dead and disappear from the scene for three days.

Filmed my first bukkake scene today.

I just hope I came across well on camera.

A physicist on trial for murder stated that Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle made it impossible to place him at the scene of the crime

The judge gave him a life sentence and told him to use his expertise to determine what quantity of his person was within or outside of prison at any given time

In the famous severed horse head scene in The Godfather they originally were going to use a Swordfish.

It didn't really fit in with the marlin brand-though.

How do you ID a person in a bukkake scene? [NSFW]

Facial recognition.

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Rolf Harris called the prison governor over to see his latest work of art, a dusk scene of the Aussie outback with kangaroo, leaping its way toward two aboriginal huntsmen hiding behind a rockpile.

The governor took one look and announced "That's shit, that is."

"I know." Replied Rolf. "But if you'd let me have paints..."

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.

The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, 'Are you seriously hurt?'

'How should I know?' the man answers, 'I'm not a lawyer!'

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

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A final CIA test for three men

An American, a Russian and a Bosnian man get to the final test to be admitted to the CIA. An American enters a room where he sees his wife Jennifer. A voice says: " There is a gun on the table, your last test is to kill your wife, no questions asked." American points the gun, but after a while gives...

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The new nurse on the scene

A suspected Covid-19 patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse arrives to give him a quick sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,...

There's a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails.

Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson's company. He tells Johnson to come back the nex...

A woman in a park called 911. When the police officer arrived at the scene, he saw two men, standing on their hands, dashing towards a line painted on the ground. The police officer was livid at the woman having wasted his time.

"This ain't a scene," he said, "it's a goddamn arms race."

I'm gonna dress up as Forest Gump tonight and go to the movies and make a a scene.

Then I will have to apologize for ruining their Black Panther party

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The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.

This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

The police were called to a crime scene.

They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.

She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"

Cop "How many times did you hit him?

Wife " I don't remember. Put me down for a six"

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I do porn, and the company I work for has a guy who writes all the blowjob scenes. He has the girls use their teeth, never pay attention to the balls, and only lick the tip.

I don’t know whose dick this guy sucked to become the head writer

If you start the Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and the passion of the Christ at the same time the scenes don’t match up at all

It turns out Jesus was more of a nine inch nails guy

Trump explodes in anger as he's refused entry to nativity scene

Proof once and for all that he's unstable

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Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer.

Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.

*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *

Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?

Officer: No shit, Sherlock.

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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.
'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and you'll...

I was watching a fighting scene and I told my dad “I couldn’t jump that high if my life depended on it!”

And my dad replied “but what if a bowl of ice cream depended on it?”

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My girlfriend said we should reenact a porn scene that I would like.

So I said, "Leave the house for a few hours then."

Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene?

To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.

My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.

It’s a little drum attic.

I’ve been in the BDSM scene for a while. Recently, I developed feelings for a girl that wanted me to control her. She was amazing...

She was definitely a r/subifellfor

Have you seen the movie about the homicidal scooter that only kills right before a new scene starts?

Its called A Killer Segway.

So.. When Mr Freeze leaves a crime scene..

So... when Mr Freeze has left a crime scene, you know its his work because people are frozen/there are frozen objects around right?

I would go as far to say thats him leaving his "Cooling Card"

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

What's a James Cagney love scene?

When he lets the other guy live.

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

Want to hear a crime scene joke?

Well move along, there's nothing to see here.

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double

….for crying scenes

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How many sexual predators does it take to start a local music scene?

Come to the show and find out. It starts at 8, $10 to get in girls get in free if they show their tits, our bands on at 10 you should definitely check us out we’re really good I’ve been trying to get us a record deal. Anyway you trying to come to my place after this I have a 12 pack of twisted teas ...

Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay!

Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

While growing up, Thor was always grandstanding and making a scene.

But his brother remained low key.

I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey.

Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college.

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That scene in Pulp Fiction

where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

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Teacher asked the class to draw a nativity scene.

When she looked at Johnny's picture, she saw Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and a big fat man. When she inquired about the fat man, Johnny said, "That's round John Virgin."

Two Texan cops arrive at a crime scene...

Cop 1, after inspecting the body of the black victim: "I've counted 28 gunshots."

Cop 2: "Wow, this might be the nastiest suicide I've ever seen!"

A terrorist struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...

"Abominable. Simply abominable."

A karate professional is shooting a movie scene

He fails the first take, to which the director remarks, "Aren't you a professional? "

"Yeah, but this is take one though. "

6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator

I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

I've decided to become mature and enter the dating scene. My first move is an introduction. 'Hi my name is Eric'

Eric-tiledisfunction

The Boys had the best opening scene I've ever seen

Hands down.

A policeman arrives at the crime scene

"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"

"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."

"How do you know that?"

"He told me as he was running off."

My wife is a forensic crime scene investigator, but she refuses to get pregnant.

No one puts baby in a coroner.

A blind cop walks up to a crowd of civilians around a crime scene.

“Move it along everyone, nothing to see here.”

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I have one question for porn directors who end scenes with a thirty second close-up of the dude's face.

Where the fuck do you get off?

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Apparently, the state of Mississippi and Alabama tried to put on a nativity scene, but they had to call it off.

They couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Christopher Nolan was directing a scene when the chopper Batman was flying suddenly burst into flames.

Nolan yelled, "CHRISTIAN, BAIL!!"

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John gets pulled over for speeding

John: Howdy officer, is there a problem?

Officer: You were speeding, sir. License and registration

John: Dude, I got no license

Officer: You're driving without a license?

John: hell yeah!

Officer: And registration?

John: I jacked this car!

Officer: Ar...

Ugly scenes

Ugly scenes in centre of Leicester this evening

An 'anti Trump' protestor threw a traffic cone, narrowly missing US President by 5802 miles

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

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A sex scene came up on the telly.

My ten-year-old son was next to me. I said, "Put your hands over your eyes."

He said, "Why!"

I said, "Just do. I didn't realise these bits made it into the wedding video."

A crime scene investigation takes place in a train yard.

A body lies severed across the tracks.

Inspector: "Do we have a motive?"

Officer: "Loco."

I was packing my luggage with German sausage, when my wife told me, "Don't overfill it. Last time it exploded in the airport and you caused a scene".

"Dont be silly", I said, "you're always thinking of the wurst case scenario".

How amazing is that scene from The Last Jedi where Rey makes the boulders float..

CGI Rocks!

A wowan was found brutally beaten in her home with a bloody kaleidoscope left at the scene.

Police are looking into it and have identified several different colours.

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Picture the scene, it is 1915 and the Great War is raging in Europe.

The war brought forward many brave fighting units and among those there were none so brave as the aviators of the French Flying Corps. Every weekend these modern day gladiators would fly to Paris and install themselves in the Grand Hotel. The locals, particularly the young ladies, would be desperate...

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