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Talmud logic exposed

A young man in his mid-twenties knocks on the door of the noted scholar Rabbi Shwartz. “My name is Sean Goldstein,” he says. “I’ve come to you because I wish to study Talmud.”

“Do you know Aramaic?” the rabbi asks.

“No,” replies the young man.

“Hebrew?” asks the Rabbi.

“N...

Chuck Norris was exposed to the Coronavirus.

The virus is now in quarantine for a month.

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A little old lady was sitting on a park bench when I approached her, opened my raincoat and exposed myself to her. "Hello!" I grinned, pointing to my genitals, "do you know what this is?"

She adjusted her glasses, squinted for a moment and said, "Yes! It looks just like a penis -- only *much* smaller."

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days

Carpenter bees used to swarm our exposed cedar beams outside

Carpenter bees dig into wood and bore out entry holes as well as a labyrinth of tunnels.

My aunt came to visit once and was on the phone with her husband. She was complaining about the swarm of “boring bees” because she couldn’t find the term “Carpenter”. Although mostly mostly harmless, th...

A friend of mine likes to argue the case for walking around with his genitals exposed.

I don't agree but I can see where he's coming from.

When women wear bikinis, they expose about 96% of their bodies.

But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

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People love it when I expose my bum in public...

...I can overhear them saying "what an arsehole".

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Mouths are the new boobs.

It's only okay to expose them in public for the purpose of feeding.

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PRO TIP: if you are exposed to mace and/or tear gas DO NOT MASTURBATE, EVEN AFTER YOU WASH YOUR HANDS SEVERAL TIMES.

this is not a joke I’m suffering!

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

I read about a Catholic priest that exposed himself

So the church defrocked him.

- Jimmy Carr

George Carlin once famously joked, "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Thanks to all those people wearing masks but leaving their noses fully exposed, the stupider half is now a lot easier to spot.

A man in a trench coat runs up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench and exposes himself.

One of the old ladies had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.

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The priest, the nun, and the camel (NSFW)

A priest and a nun were crossing the desert on a camel when they got lost, and eventually the camel fell over dead.

The nun looked at the priest and said, "It looks like our time has come, but I must confess, I've always wanted to know what it was like to make love to a man."

The prie...

This pandemic has exposed how unrealistic the movie The Martian is.

Not because of the space travel to Mars, but there is no way the US government would spend so much money and gather the resources to save just one life.

My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.

It’s forever burned in her mammary

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NSFW A farmer sells his peaches door to door

A peach farmer decides to sell his peaches door to door. He knocks on an apartment door and this gorgeous lady wearing a teddy opens the door.
The farmer stutters in surprise and asks if she would like some peaches. He shows her one and “says they are firm, subtle and very nice to the touch.”...

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Italian Wedding Night

**Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.**


**Her mother reassured her;**


**'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of...

What starts with a 'c', ends with an 's', emerged in 2019 and makes you sick if you are exposed to it?

Cats

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Chuck Norris has been exposed to COVID-19 and has gone on record to his fans as saying "I'm going to kick the shit out of this thing."

After the quote, millions of people worldwide who fear they may be carrying the virus have begun hoarding toilet paper to await the inevitable.

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If Trump exposed himself to women, would that be sexual harrasment...

... or microagression?

Forgive me for this...

One hot summer day, a cop gets a call about an indecent exposure. He rushes over to the address and is directed to the house next door where he sees an old woman, eating watermelon, dress hitched up to her waist, and no underwear on.

He walks up the driveway towards this woman about to arrest...

When a woman wears a bikini, she has 90 percent of her body exposed

Men, being the gentleman that we are, only look at the other 10 percent. (Hopefully not a repost)

Three men go on a hunting trip in the woods...

They gather around the fire at dusk. They eat and drink and tell stories. Then slowly the fire goes down, and they finish their drinks. The men have no more stories to tell, and boredom starts to take over.

"ENOUGH!" Says the first man, standing up. "We should do something! I bet the two of ...

After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.


Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
...

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While waiting at the bus stop i saw a woman come out from a bus with her breast exposed...

Being a gentleman i told her about her ordeal


Woman: OH SHIT! I LEFT MY BABY IN THE BUS!

I was trying to expose the cement company for using cheap materials

But I couldn't find any concrete evidence

The man who was always cold

Old Arab joke, hope it translates well

There once was a man who was always cold. No matter how many layers of clothes he wore, or how much heat he was exposed to, he would be shivering.
He was a good, pious man, so when he died, God took him up to Heaven. While the man was very appreciati...

A couple of good covid jokes I've heard

1. I dont know anything about Coronavirus other than if you have it; you get an undeniable urge to go the airport.
2. By the point most of the world has been exposed to covid 19, but the people in Wuhan got it right of the bat.
3. You know why I think coronavirus wont last for more than a year...

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I want to see if this Argentinian joke can withstand translation (NSFW)

Two young pretty nuns arrive to the convent shocked and distraught, almost in tears.
The Mother Superior (head of the convent) immediately approaches and asks what happened. The nuns say “a pervert exposed himself to us a couple blocks from here”.
The mother superior, a stocky, strong, tough...

An exhibitionist exposed himself to 3 old ladies sitting on a park bench.

The first old lady immediately had a stroke.

The second old lady tried to ignore it but ended up having a stroke.

The third old lady decided she'd show some restraint and wouldn't touch it.

Photography at a strip club was a failure

Everyone in the photos was over-exposed

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A Midwestern Dog in Africa

A guy from the Midwest went to work in Africa and took his dog with him. There was a whole lot of new smells to sniff and the dog went away in the jungle driven by the fancy smells.

In the jungle the dog suddenly noticed that a leopard is planning to have him as a lunch. The dog thought for a...

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[Blonde Joke] A blonde woman is walking around town with her breast exposed

A man walks up to her and says "ma'am did you know your boob is out?"

The blonde looks down, seeing her exposed breast screams "OH MY GOD I LEFT MY BABY ON THE BUS"

A kinky passenger grinningly exposed himself to a stewardess as he boarded the plane.

"I'm sorry," said the woman, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub."

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Australian kids are exposed to male genitals a lot growing up.

By the time they reach 18, they've definitely seen a cockatoo.

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An old man told it

Back in the old days women would make dresses out of feed sacks. The sacks that sugar comes in were made into undergarments/panties. A young lady went to a dance one night she was dancing and got tripped up on someone’s feet. She fell backward on her butt and the dress went over her head. Her pantie...

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Flasher and the 3 Nuns

My virgin post. Sorry if this is a repost but I still find this funny after decades.


3 nuns were walking in a park when a man in a raincoat jumped out of the bushes and exposed himself to the 3 nuns.


The first nun gasped and had a stroke. The second nun gasped and also had ...

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Who is someone who always steals your shit and gets no punishment even when exposed?

A reposter

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Caitlyn Jenner just became the latest to expose another sexual harasser.

She is alleging Bruce Jenner groped her about 10 years ago.

It took me quite a while to iron out this joke

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. Hi...

My girlfriend has a tickle fetish, so I decided to practice on my coworkers

Unfortunately I was fired when my test-tickles were exposed to upper management.

Breaking news!

Corona Virus claims a black belt. Chuck Norris, Dead at 80.

Carlos Ray “Chuck” Norris, famous actor and fighter, died yesterday afternoon at his home in Northwood Hills, TX at the age of 80.

Chuck Starred in dozens of movies and Tv series which have, and continue to entertain millions ...

Glue-sniffing drug addicts

A group of experienced glue-sniffers was teaching a newcomer to sniff glue.

But instead of sniffing the glue, the glue sniffer poured it into his mouth, and had to go to the hospital emergency room.

"Hey," reminded one of the glue-sniffers. "Don't expose our glue-sniffing group."
...

Why do neckbeards regularly expose themselves to illness?

Because it will attract Ma'ladies.

Growing out of the ground

A fit man was admiring his physique in a full length mirror. While naked, he realized that he didn’t have an ‘all over’ tan. He decided to go to the beach the next day to get a tan. He buried himself in the sand with just his twig and berries exposed.

Two old women were walking by when the on...

Studies have shown horses exposed to marijuana are less stable and unsafe to ride.

So get off your high horse.

Did you hear about the judge who exposed himself during sentencing?

Apparently he wanted to meat out some justice.

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Well

A five-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was. His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.

That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and, holding his penis in one hand, said, "Son, this is a penis. In fact, if yo...

Did you hear about the BuzzFeed employee who peed on an exposed wire?

Number 1 shocked him.

A concerned person is sick of all the corruption and injustice in the world and decides they want to expose it by becoming a journalist.

Only 3 weeks later they were caught trying to reveal corruption by some high ranking officials and were put to death.

You could say, they chose the wrong Korea.

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Guy exposes himself with a boner and is arrested. How did he get off?

It wouldn't stand up in court

A patient schedules a doctor’s appointment

Doctor: “So what brings you in today?”

The patient rolls up his shirt sleeve to expose a fully formed mouth on his upper arm. Suddenly, the mouth begins to speak...

Mouth: “Hey Doc, give me some money.”

Doctor: “Oh, I see. Your arm’s broke.”

DISEASE

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time. The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child." The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes." He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees...

A crossfitter, a vegan, an atheist, and a Redditor who always exposes reposts are all sitting at a bar...

and I know this because they won't shut up about it.

Three elderly ladies sitting on a park bench

Three very old ladies were sitting on a park bench together on a lovely sunny day when a flasher stopped at the end of their bench, faced them and exposed himself!

Well the old lady closest to him took a look and immediately had a stroke! Then the lady in the middle of the bench also looked t...

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A scientist was put in charge of developing new methods of assassination for the CIA.

He came up with several ideas, and the director of the CIA came down to see them demonstrated.

He showed off ballpoint pen dart-guns and poisoned bubble gum, but nothing seemed to impress the director. Finally, he stood up to leave.

"I'm going to go take a piss, and then I'm headed bac...

A Scottish teenage girl plays the guitar and writes a song

A Scottish teenage girl learns guitar and writes a song. When she performs it at the talent show, to her father's disapproval, she wears a crop top. During a guitar solo, her father walks up on stage and starts singing the song as if he's part of the act, and then he wraps her exposed belly with a t...

With all these celebrities getting outed for molesting kids, it's only a matter of time before Jackie Chan is exposed.

Like, do you have any idea how many times he told Jaden Smith to jacket off in the karate kid?

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down...

Never gonna go outside and expose you

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Doc

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman."That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'...

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On a fine Sunday the church was full...

The father was preaching while suddenly a very hot lady with big tits screams "Patrick you Bastard"
In about 20 mins she screams again "Patrick you Bastard"
This goes on through out the whole session and as people were leaving, father approaches the lady and asks her calmly to tell him what wa...

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Anagram lovers are more likely to get corona if

* exposed to a corona infected person
* they have weak immune system
* asked to spell racoon

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Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

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Couple talking a walk

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. As they walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback ...

Doctor, I touched my face and now I keep saying “my my my my woo!”

What do I have?

Sharonavirus

Note: the young do not show symptoms when exposed to the above...

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Not tonight dear, I have a headache

A Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
...

What do you call an insect that gets exposed to radiation but nothing of consequence happens to it?

A moot ant

Oh. Okay then.

Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?" "Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you." Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up th...

A man's ears were exposed to a high frequency sound...

He said "It hertz."

I have 3 children and I have never, nor will I ever vaccinate them

The simple act of it alone is reckless and exposes my children to so many potential dangers. I have no medical training whatsoever and would rather let their doctor do it instead.

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to th...

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A man is driving with his young daughter in the car

In the car ahead of them there is a couple fighting. They are shouting and the car is swerving a lot making the father worried. Then the woman reaches over and cuts the man’s dick off and throws it out the window. It hits the father’s car in the windshield in plain sight of his daughter who looked o...

An attractive woman loved growing tomatoes...

but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "We...

A Blonde hard up for cash kidnaps a kid at the park.

She writes a random note:

“I have your son. If you want to see him again, tonight leave a bag with $500 under a park bench by the pond.

PS. No cops!

- Blonde.”

Realizing that she has no idea where to send it and not wanting to expose herself in the first place, she sm...

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His Native American girlfriend was really shy...

...so, when she came to visit him at college, he hid her away in a hotel pretty far away from his school. He knew how crude his schoolmates could be and it wouldn't do for her to be exposed to such filth as these cretins would be likely to subject her to.

The whole week that she visited, she ...

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Have you read the report on circumcisions?

Yeah, a number of dickheads were exposed.

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

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[NSFW] [LONG] A soldier returns home from Iraq...

Greeted by his wife, he hugs her tight, and she's ready to jump his bones. He stops her however, and tells her, "Baby, while I was away, I want you to know, I didn't stray in thought or body. I spent every waking moment thinking of you, and in that process, I developed a new trick." This certainly h...

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Four nuns at the pearly gates

In heaven, four nuns are queueing outside the pearly gates.

St Pete says: "If your entire body is pure, you are welcome, no further questions asked."

First nun in line: "There was this naughty abbot in the monastery... one time he exposed himself and... well... overcome with desire I t...

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A guy walks into a bar carrying a guitar case....

He makes his way up to the front of the bar, sits his guitar case down, and stands on top of a bar stool.

After getting everyone's attention, he states, "I am the absolute toughest man in this bar, and I will bet $2,000 to any man that proves me wrong."

Several people walk up to hi...

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An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...

An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of.

He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!"

Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!"

The old m...

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So a dad is fed up with his son lying to him…

Dad: (brings home lie detector) so son, what did you do today?

Son: I went to school

(Beep)

Son: fine, I went to my friends house.

Dad: what did you do at your friends house?

Son: we watched a movie

Dad: what kind of movie?

Son: A Disney film

(...

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The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off , but sometimes more work to do in weekend .

I work in a d...

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