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Issues Jokes

My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues...

Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom.

The man has no issues, but the woman can't reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wi...

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social

but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.

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Me and my wife agree that I am having some erectile disfunction issues.

Our approaches, however, are different. She bought me a pack of Viagra. I bought her a gym membership.

Farting Issues

Patient: Doctor, every time I pass gas, the room fills up with smoke and stinks of petrol. What's wrong with me?

Doctor: Get some rest. You're just exhausted.

Hulk Hogan had to overcome serious mental issues in order to be famous.

He had to..wrestle mania.

My second wife left me because I have "revenge issues"

We'll see about that...

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I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues

Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its shit.

Apparently I have “boundary issues”

At least that’s what my neighbor wrote in his journal anyway

I've recently developed a treatment for anger management issues.

It's called "Damitol".

The amount of short people with anger issues has always striken me as weird

Specially considering that they are the ones that should be more down to earth

I just figured out why airlines are having staffing issues.

The whole crew keeps taking off!

Me and the wife had a few issues in the bedroom last night...

That’s the last time I use my Sean Connery accent to ask her to sit on my face.

Why does the Pillsbury Dough Boy have so many health issues?

Because he was inbread.

What do you get when the government gets involved in digestive issues.

An enema of the state.

What do you call it when a Necromancer has issues raising the dead?

Resurrectile Disfunction!

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Little Johnny has issues at school [Long] NSFW

Little Johnny: Dad my math teacher has called you to school

Dad: and why’s that ?

Little Johnny : he asked what’s 6x9 and I said 54. He then asked what’s 9x6...

Dad: isn’t that the same fucking question again?

Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said !?!

Next day<...

Me: Boss, I’m sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me to listen to classical music before work to help with my anger management issues.

This morning I woke up and chose violins.

I've got awful commitment issues

I couldn't commit to a suicide attempt to save my life

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What did the guy with anger issues say when he got his prescription for a laxative?

“If take this I’d lose my shit!”

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A man is having marital issues...

A man is having marital issues with his wife, and as a result they go to a marriage counselor.

The counselor says, "The best thing my wife and I ever did for out marriage was to avoid sex for a month. It forces you two to see if you're compatible."

The woman immediately agrees, and th...

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3 elders were discussing issues with their age.

The first man says “60 is the worst age to be. You always feel like you have to pee, but then whenever you go to the toilet, nothing comes out!. It’s so frustrating!”

The second woman says “Ah, that’s nothing. 70 is way worse. I always feel like I have to poop, but whenever I go to the toilet...

My sister and I inherited our chronic bowel issues from our mother

Runs in the family

Surround yourself with people who have issues....

People who have issues, always have alcohol.

At the doctor investigating my stomach issues, I was asked if I had a family history of stomach issues

I said “why yes, diarrhea runs in my genes.”

How can you tell if a tiktoker has mental health issues?

They'll tell you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

I was told I had Trust Issues,

I don’t believe it though.

Diesel Job (Fixed formatting issues)

My uncle Fred went to a job interview for a diesel fitter. He was asked about his previous experience and he said he stitched clothing for 20 years. The interviewer was not impressed as he did not believe the job skills would be transferable. Since the company continued to advertise for a diese...

A german made navigation app issues an update to fix an issue.

The issue was when people wanted to go to france and they were in germany, the app sent them through belgium

commitment issues

Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say I do.

Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.

Did you hear that the CDC issues new guidelines today?

They said if your head is far enough up your ass, there's no need to wear a mask.

So my friend had some issue with his hearing....

My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said "okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said "well, there's homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."

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Morale issues

A furious battle was about to begin and the captain gathered his soldiers and his three lieutenants for a final prep talk.

The first lieutenant step forward and shouted "my name is Will because when I go into battle my will hardens and I want to put the enemy down!"

He receives a cheer...

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I told the doctor about my issues...

My stress, restlessness, problems falling asleep, anxiety about sex.

He said: The cure is coming.

My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues...

I'll show him.

New Father Issues

A husband rushes into the hospital after being told his wife is giving birth.
The doctor meets him in the waiting room and hands him his newborn son.

"Congratulations on the birth of your son sir, but, I'm afraid your wife didn't make it." the doctor sadly informs him.

"Well," the...

A man is having issues with his wifi

As any self-loathing individual would do he calls up his service provider who tell him that they’ll have someone look at the router at 10am the next day.

“Odd, this seems like good customer service” he thought to himself. The next morning he wakes up, grabs a cup of coffee and waits, 10am lea...

If you have a cat and seem to be having allergy issues simply wash your cat three times a day

And it will leave

Why do world travelers have bladder issues?

They're in continents.

A woman explains to her doctor her recent issues with going to the bathroom.

I’ve had horrible constipation,” she explains.

“I haven’t been able to go for weeks.”

“Are you doing anything for it?” the doctor asks.

“Well, I’ll force myself to sit on the toilet for a half hour in the morning and a half hour before bed.”

“No, I meant are you taking a...

The Russian Prime Minister comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish these time zones.

Putin: Why?

Prime Minister:
Ah, I can't find myself with these times. I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. Once, I woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening. I called Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it...

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Evolution of bowel issues

The evolution of communication about stomach issues with your significant other:

Dating: Sorry, I can’t go out. I don’t feel so well tonight.

Engaged: I need to stay home honey. My tummy hurts.

Newlyweds: Ohhh. I don’t think that food agreed with me. I’m not feeling so well. Ta...

A stoner comes to the doctors for some medical issues

The checkup is going well until the doctor notices an unrelated bruise on his leg. He asks the stoner and the guy elaborates.

“So my friend gave me a magic blunt,” the stoner says “my friend tells me that if I’m not careful then the blunt can cause problems and turn to stone. Well I ignored ...

Why does the mule have daddy issues?

His dad is an ass

If Government was software how would you describe its issues?

Answer: Too much middleware and a major lack of API functionality.

How to make a person with anger issues angry?

Tell them that they have anger issues.

Maintenance issues

Husband: (Calling up the hotel reception) Please come to my room immediately. My wife and I are having an argument and she just threatened to jump out of the hotel window.

Receptionist: Sir, I apologize but since this is a personal issue, we cannot interfere.

Husband: You asshat! The...

Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes.

"I won't stand for this"

Pearl Jam have had to cancel some gigs in Europe after Eddie Vedder experienced some issues with his throat.

The band tried to source a temporary replacement vocalist, but they can’t find a better man.

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

A man is having issues getting his van to start

So he googles mechanics in his area.

He stumbles upon this one called Vincent's Van Repair.

"Hmm, I've never heard of this one but they do on the spot repairs so it's probably my best bet"

He calls them the next morning and the mechanic comes to his house around 11am.

He ...

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The therapist told me that I need to work on my trust issues,

But I don't think he has my best interests in mind.

Why do men with prostate issues have issues stealing video game systems?

Because they have trouble taking a Wii.

It's funny how trump has issues with the USPS

isn't his wife a mail-order bride?

My family issues

So I've always had a rocky relationship with my brother. But to be fair he was always a little unusual. When he was 16 he shaved his head and got tattoos all over his face. When he was 18, he legally changed his name to Radio. He got some plastic surgery done and filed his teeth and became a Kris...

The government announced that because of Covid, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.

Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?

a question about racial issues, concerning the police.

is sting's fake Jamaican accent problematic?

Interviewer: What is your stance on women's rights and issues

Trump: Look, I know a lot of women, and they all have issues, next question..

Why does Doctor Strange never have WiFi issues?

He uses ĂŚthernet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Mary and Frank have been having some matrimonial issues...

No matter how hard he tries, Frank just can't bring Mary to orgasm anymore.

They decide to visit the doctor for help, because they love each other, in all the ways, and this lack of intimacy is bringing them both down emotionally.

Thankfully the doctor has the answer. He advises Fran...

I'm quite accepting of my issues, and quick to admit to myself my faults.

Good thing I don't have any.

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So a man is having some bedroom issues

A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor I need your help. When I making love to my wife, I also seem to cum before she does. Hell, I do it before I’m even ready.” The doctor consoles him that this is a perfectly normal issue. When pressed for a fix, he thinks for a few seconds and pul...

My abandonment issues are gone!

They decided to leave me too I guess..

My wife begged me in the doctors waiting room to go in with her to see the psychiatrist about my issues with starting a family.

I refused to come inside.

How do you fix and update any security issues at halloween?

With a pumpkin patch!

I have trust issues

Been wearing them for 3 years now. Good as new

I shouldn’t have bought balloons from a salesman with commitment issues.

There were no strings attached.

I got this new recipe app. I am having issues with the security.

I want my password to be BeefStew, but the app keeps telling me it’s not stroganoff.

People keep telling me to speak to someone about my mental issues

I do! I talk to myself all the time!

Why did the bankrupt woman have hearing issues?

Her money was in arrears

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started dating a girl who told me she had "serious trust issues"

I told her that I would make it my mission to help her learn to be better. That I would stay by her side, never hurt her, and understand that it will take time to earn her trust.

She said no, that's the issue... "I trust anyone too quickly."

So following thru with my mission I told he...

My three biggest relationship issues are

1. Commitment issues

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department

Paddy and Mary are having some issues in the bedroom department so they go visit the doctor to see if he can help them out.  Mary tells the doctor that no matter what, she can never reach her special place when they make love.

The doctor examines them both and says “I can’t find anything obvi...

Little Johnny & his mortgage issues

Little Johnny asked his dad for a $100 bike for his birthday. Johnny's dad said, "We have an $90,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $100 bike!" Three days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His dad asks him why he's le...

My girlfriend says I have commitment issues!

Well, technically she's my wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*After Breakup due to commitment issues*

Girlfriend : You're an unreliable pathetic fuck. I'm leaving! Bye!
Me : Can't say adieu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my therapist I'm afraid my girlfriend will cheat on me because I'm not that good in bed

He said "We have to work on your thrust issues"

Life support issues

Last night I was in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her : 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the co...

Me and my blind friend argue a lot about small issues.

Apparently, we don't see eye-to-eye on anything.

I have such issues with Panic! At The Disco.

They’re teaching people to follow a single path when really, you can panic anywhere.

My fast food addiction is really starting to cause me issues.

For starters, I can't find anywhere in New York that does a decent cheetah sandwich.

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The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

Edit: Wow...so this is what it’s like to reach the front page... really underwhelming...

In all seriousness, while there are a bunch of corrupt politicians out there, DO call your congressman and DO participate in your local elections and pr...

My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.

She has selfie steam issues.

Why did the Grim Reaper schedule an appointment with his eye doctor?

He was having issues with his death perception.

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