UPJOKE
subjectmatterquestionissuethemeanswercontentdiscussionareasubstancedebatequestionsthematicissuescontext

Topic Jokes

Plastic surgery used to be such a taboo discussion topic...

...now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some topical jokes for the Brits:

Government cuts bite deep as former prime ministers slashed by 25%.

What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Jimmy Savile? Nothing: they're both dead and fucked miners.

Margaret Thatcher has died peacefully following a stroke at the age of 87. I for one am truly devastated a...

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion...

Necrophilia is a topic we don't know much about.

So if you've been a victim of it, please speak up.

My brother is an immigration officer. He and I disagree on almost every topic…

…But he usually sees where I’m coming from.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on a flight, and the topic naturally turns to religion

The priest says, "I understand pork is forbidden in Judaism".

"That's correct", the Rabbi says.

Priest asks, "have you ever tried?"

"Well, I have to admit that yes, yes I have. I was traveling, and there were no Jewish communities nearby, so no Kosher food. I walked into a del...

A life-saving topic

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?”, the frustrated student blurted out.

The professor ignored him and continued the lecture.

"I mean, why is this even re...

I find abortion to be a difficult topic.

On one hand, i am for killing babies. But on the other hand, i don't want to give woman any more rights.

I'm regularly asked to be a photomodel for sports magazines, man's health, dietary topics etc.

I'm the guy in the "before" pictures.

The UN recently published the results of a poll. The topic was: "Please truthfully give your opinion on food shortage in the rest of the world."

Results:

Europeans requested explanation of the term "shortage".

Africans asked what "food" is.

Chinese inquired about the term "opinion".

Americans wondered what "rest of the world" might possibly mean.

And in Italy they are still discussing the meaning of the ter...

What’s electricity’s favorite topic?

Current events

Irishman steps up on Mastermind, the quiz show. His chosen topic: the Irish Rebellion, 1916.

- **Quizmaster**: 'Your first question: who read the *Proclamation of Independence* from the steps of the GPO?'

- **Contestant**: 'Pass'

- **Quizmaster**: 'OK. Second question: name the Irish rebel leader born in Scotland.'

- **Contestant**: 'Pass'

- **Quizmaster**: 'Ques...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teacher: Our topic for today is Photosynthesis

Teacher: who can tell me “what is Photosynthesis”
-no reply from class..

Teacher points to Bill,

Teacher: Bill, what is Photosynthesis


Bill: Photosynthesis is our topic.

Watched an episode of a classic sitcom last night. The episode dealt with the topic of circumcision. I didn't enjoy watching it...

I hate when sitcoms run clip shows.

I don't understand why 9/11 is such a difficult topic.

It's 0.8181, don't people have calculators?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family was having dinner when the topic of sex came up.

Teenage son: I know sex feels good for both people but does it feel better for the man or woman?

Mom replies: What feels better, an itchy ear or your pinky finger?

I always get really hung up on the topic of abortion...

Like, on the one hand I love the idea of killing babies, but on the other hand I hate women having rights!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I learned today that taxi's are now a hot political topic.

I called for acab and all the conservatives got pissed.

What do you call an argument that suddenly changes topics?

A debate and switch.

On the topic of George Michael...

I guess you could say it was his "Last Christmas".

Too soon?

The whole 'Chernobyl' topic is pretty hot right now.

Although I think it was a bit hotter in 1986.

What's the least understood topic in the world?

Planes
They go over your head fast.

You're in a wordplay contest. The topic is "water"

What is your wet pun of choice?

I think we need to stop listening to scientists. They’ve been wrong about a fundamental topic...

...that you need a brain to survive. Look at Trump, he’s living proof that you don't.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Joes (5/13)

Alright guys, here we are to recap the day's jokes. Let's get started.

First off in the news, it looks like the TSA arrested a woman for singing Whitney Houston on an airplane - but you should've seen what the TSA did when they caught those ridiculous musical militants of the Elton Jihad.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

r/Showerthoughts deleted this as being a political topic

"Sexual harassment is a touchy subject."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/19)

Good evening, folks! It is once again time to relay the jokes.

First up, if you're not following this story, you're missing out. The IRS scandal continues to get stickier. According to a White House insider, President Obama learned about the IRS scandal by watching TV news. As shocking as tha...

For every IT topic....

... there is a YouTube video with Indian guy explaining it

I am not smart enough to make a topical joke about how Jada Smith likes younger men, but I have to imagine that...

...if there is a Will, there is a way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/14)

Folks, folks. What a day! There are some good jokes out there to be had. Let's take a gander, shall we?

There's already some news out of the presidential election front...

Some are reporting Gov. Christie is losing weight just so he can make a run in 2016. Not to be outdone, Sen. Rubio...

Why isn't NSA mass surveillance a hot topic in the US elections?

Because it's the only part of the govt that listens to the American people.

Hot Topic was having a huge sale

Everyone panicked at the discount.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/16)

Another day has gone by. And, of course, we now have a new set of jokes. Some of these are weirder but let's begin!

Inside int'l experts believe that Kim Jong Un may have two babies by two different women. In a quick response to the rumor, President Obama has appointed a new consul to North K...

I'm sorry if this is slightly off topic. I was wondering if someone could help me. I'm trying to remember a joke about an owl.

All I remember is the punchline was a hoot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

A music composer told me he cant listen to the radio anymore because popular music was much of the same recycled musical ideas. Said learning too much about a certain topic can ruin the fun of that topic.

And that's why I didn't become a gynecologist

*Early semester* Teacher: We'll go through this topic in detail in later classes

*Later into semester* Teacher: I remember going through this topic in earlier classes so I'm going to skip it.
Students: wtf?

"Could we change the topic, please?"

Two german friends chat and soon they come to the topic of the Holocaust. One of them then looks very sad and asks his friend: "Could we change the topic, please? I've never told you, but my grandpa died in Ausschwitz."
The other responds: "Sure, man, no problem. But may I ask you, how did your g...

Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)

Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.

Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"

Big Catholic ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the topic of tailpipe-fucking a car, how does one sodomize their ride?

Stick it in the gashole

How do you broach the sensitive religious topic about the possibility a human soul might not actually exist?

Gingerly.

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

What do you say to a 60-year-old who keeps coming back to the same topic.

Ok, boomerang.

One day, a maths teacher introduces a new topic, telling the class “now this is a good one”

A boy pipes in with a:
“Yeah, subjectively” The teacher doesn’t want to hear this and says to him:
“Ah, marking you down a grade this term, I see. Lack of hard work won’t get you anywhere in life.” The boy replies with
“But I do work hard, sir, meaning even if I hate this subject, I shoul...

I used to have a giant grey mammal, but I never had a use for it and it was always off-topic.

It was completely irrelephant.

On the topic of good and bad news from the doctor...

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news for you!

Patient: So whats the good news?

Doctor: You won't have to pay anything for this visit!

Patient, confused: And the bad news?

Doctor: Well, we issue our bills quarterly, you'll be long dead by then.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/21)

Here we are, once again. It's time for some laugh-words.

First up, we've got some big movie news. "Transformers 4" is now updating its cast. To appeal more to the US box office, the evil Decepticons will be played by menacing vending machines that won't let go of your Doritos.

More mov...

Topical Jokes (5/20)

Welcome back, everybody! We've got some more news and, thus, more jokes. Let's get started.

Right off the bat, more on President Obama. Following a week of scandals, President Obama played golf with Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood. Things got a little tense when Obama had IRS agents audit...

A meeting between all Catholic priests was held the other day, but the topic of altar boys was never brought up.

I guess they’ll touch on that later.

New clothing store seen at local Mall named 'Off Topic'.

Apparently it's aimed at edgy teens with ADHD.

Bob's volunteered to give a C programming workshop but needs a topic

Give that man some pointers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to handle the topic of traditional homosexual polygamy

Just like my four fathers did

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently saw a programme where a large audience argues for or against a topic

In my opinion everyone attending a mass debate is a wanker

Seminar topic at the annual vampire conference

"How to Deal with Stakeholders"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.