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Reasons Jokes

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.

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3 reasons Jesus was actually Irish

1. He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.
2. He thought his mother was a virgin.
3. His mother thought he was God.

My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis."

I replied, "That's 15 love."

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people

1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

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11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop tho...

Two reasons I don't drink toilet water.

No.1
No.2

Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder

1. The DNA all matches
2. There are no dental records

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I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:........

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My wo...

The history and reasons why France switched to the metric system is very interesting

But to make a long story short, it was Napoleon.

Reasons why I like to see women from the back

They're pretty straightforward

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Common reasons why people lie

- To avoid getting hurt
- To avoid hurting others
- To avoid reading the fucking Terms & Conditions

My wife suddenly started wearing a chastity belt for reasons unknown

I can't quite put my finger in it

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

Reasons the idiot couldn't kill himself.

He couldn't find the tailpipe on his Tesla.

He jumped in front of a model train.

The bullets wouldn't fit in the squirt gun.

He overdosed on placebo pills.

He jumped off a low bridge.

He stuck a plastic fork in an outlet.

He doused himself in diesel and trie...

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people expos...

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I hate the reasons girls come up with to avoid sex

"I'm tired, I've had a long day, I have a headache, I'm your sister"....

There are 2 reasons you shouldn't rely on procrastinators.

1). They never finish anything

Reasons for speeding

Harry and Lloyd were speeding down the road. a police car pulled them over.

"Why on earth were you driving so fast?" the policeman yelled.

"Our brakes are no good, so we wanted to get there before we had an accident!

My wife and I split up because of psychological reasons...

She was Psycho and I was Logical.

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Reasons girls should swallow

How the fuck else are they supposed to eat, you idiot?

Sir John Harrington, inventor of the modern flush toilet is well remembered for two reasons:

Number 1 and Number 2

I don't eat meat for religious reasons

I eat it becouse i like the taste

Reasons for stealing

Pointing to the captured thief, the owner of the supermarket said to the policeman who came to investigate: "He stole the chocolate on the supermarket shelf and didn't pay the money, so I caught him."



The policeman asked the thief: "Why steal supermarket goods?"



The thi...

5 reasons to date me

1 - there’s

2 - a hundred

3 - and

4 - days

5 - of summer vacation

The Top 10 Reasons a Gun is better than a woman....

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new 22

#9. You can keep one Gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Gun doesn't mind if you keep another Gun ...

The mind of a fool is immune to change, and who can think it strange? The reasons clear for all to know...

A fool has no mind to change.

I began wearing adult diapers for 2 reasons:

Reason #1 and #2.

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

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Give me two good reasons

Today, all schools reopened after a long summer vacation.

In one home in our neighbourhood, early this morning, a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up, “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

SON : “Awww Mom! I don’t want to go to school.”
MOM : “Give me two good reas...

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The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

W...

What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

Illegal Downloading

Reasons to date me

- I'm Single
- For God's sake.
- Please

Three reasons to stand up:

1) To get the remote.

2) To go to the bathroom.

3) Because you're the real Slim Shady.

20 AMAZING Reasons Click Bait Still Works!

1. People are stupid enough to click things that grab their attention.

There are two main reasons I don’t let my girlfriend use my PlayStation.

1) I don’t have a PlayStation.

2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

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13 reasons why

Hannah: Can I have your wifi password?

Random person: Nah, sorry connection is shit as it is.

Hannah: Welcome to your tape.

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I’m a virgin but for religious reasons....

...in that god made me very ugly.

3 reasons why my parents are bad at hide and seek.

1. They always hide in their bedroom.
2. They make too much noise.
3. my dad takes a pill that makes him think he is invisible and proceeds to take off his clothes

Six reasons not to play russian roulette.

The fifth one will blow your mind!

Trump and I take Xanax for different reasons.

I take them for *my* panic attacks; he takes them for hispanic attacks.

10 reasons why men are lazy

10 reasons why men are lazy:

1)

25 reasons why beer is better then a woman

25: Beer never gets a headache.

24: Beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football.

23: You don’t have to wine and dine beer.

22: Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

21: You can enjoy a beer all month long.

20: Beer stai...

What are the 5 worst reasons to be an egg?

You only get laid once, you only get hard once, you only get eaten once, the only person to sit on your face is your mom, and you come in a box with 11 other guys.

I hate when my roommates throw cigarettes in the toilet for two reasons.

A: it's disgusting and B: they are harder to light.

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20 reasons chocolate is better than sex

1) You can GET chocolate.

2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

6...

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The maid told her mistress :"I think I deserve a raise"

Mistress : Give me reasons why you need a raise?"

Maid "I cook better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."

Mistress "Hmmm"

Maid "I clean the house better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."
...

What do you call a list with columns and rows of reasons why you hate people?

A contempt-table

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A husband who filed against his wife appear in court to explain their reasons for seeking a divorce.

The judge is incredulous at the husband's grounds stating "She's a poor housekeeper", so he asks the husband to provide him more details.

"Well Judge. Every time I go to the kitchen to take a piss in the sink, it's always full of dirty dishes!"

Reasons I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day this year

1. It's pay day

Do you know the reasons why most melons live alone?

Because they can't elope

Had to get castrated today for birth control reasons. I paid so much and they didn't even use scissors.

It was a rip-off.

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Jack the Ripper's reasons for killing hookers was pretty understandable.

They wouldn't accept him into their ranks as Jack the Stripper.

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