UPJOKE
surface areaspaceregioncornersphereterritorypitsquarearenacalculusquadrantsectionfielddomainneighborhood

Area Jokes

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a desolate area popular with young couples doing more than just sitting in the dark.

Catching his attention was a couple in a car with the interior light on. Moving closer, the cop could see a young man behind the steering wheel reading a newspaper. In the backseat a young blonde was knitting.

The lawman walked up to the vehicle and knocked on the driver-side window. The star...

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We should send sex offenders to storm Area 51

Alien Vs Predator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

A man was driving in a very rural area.

Suddenly he saw a sign, "St Mary's Convent and Brothel, All Welcome, 10 miles."

He was very surprised, and when he saw the St Mary sign, he turned of and stopped in the parking lot.

He knocked on the door, and an elderly nun opened it. He said, "I am here for the brothel." The nun jus...

A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."

"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"

"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.

As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he ...

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

What do you call an area with a large amount of poor Italians?

The Spaghetto

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like...

trying to organize the pissing section in a swimming pool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Florida man dies and goes to a waiting area for his final destination.

As he awaits, he spots his best friend within the crowd and cannot believe it. He approaches his buddy and starts a conversation

“Cooch, is that you buddy? Holy shit! It is you! What are you doing here?”

“Hey Willie” says the man with barely any expression on his face.

“What ar...

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.

Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, ...

There's a gang in my area...

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join. But enough about the church...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of politicians crashes in a deserted area

there was only one man that could see the accident. The farmer who owns the house nearby heard the noises and goesto take a look, calling the police and ambulance on the way. 30 minutes later a policeman knocks on his door and asks "Where are the people involved in crash?" The farmer says "Don't wor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

I'm not saying I live in a rough area.

But I apply numbing cream every time I leave the house.

I've got a small car in me groin area.

It's drivin' me nuts.

hot older men in your area

Want to know if you've been playing with the thermostat?

I'm not saying I live in a rough area.

But the biggest car park near me is outside the Crown Court

What do you call an area where a cat lives alone?

Catalonia

A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house. One day a bad storm flooded the area with seawater and damged his home.

Now he’s in a pickle.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Sy...

Where is the most romantic place to sit in the Chesapeake area?

By the Bae

Even before being President Joe Biden could access any restricted Area

All those places are usually for Biden

I'm thinking of moving to the Alpes-Maritimes area of France.

I hear it's Nice.

Stereotypes of areas in the world

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "ho...

As I sat anxiously in the waiting area, one of the surgeons opened the door, walked over and gave me the terrible news. I almost broke into tears immediately.

"It's time for your dentist appointment," she said.

A barber was arrested yesterday in my area for selling drugs. I've been his customer for years.

Didn't even know he was a barber...

Running a hotel in a rural area is not always so easy.

A local woman was staying at my hotel while her place went through major repairs. Just a really obnoxious woman.

She said to me, "Is this the best room you've got for me to sleep in? My chickens sleep more comfortable than this."

"Yeah, I bet they don't cackle half as much as you do, e...

A farmer man had never left his area

So, he decides to take a week vacation on the nearest big city.



When he comes back, his fellow farmers, start asking how it was and what did he thought of the big city and he answers that he was very impressed by the very big buildings, the huge amount of people and cars all buzzing ...

Local MILFs in your area want to contact you

Your mother called you

A new pastor in a rural area...

A new pastor in a rural area is ready for his first service, but only one farmer has shown up. The pastor asks the farmer, "If you took a load of hay to feed your cows and when you got there, there was only one cow what would you do?".

"I'd feed it" said the farmer.

So the pastor asks...

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

Whats the difference between Capitol and Area 51 raid?

People were not stupid enough to actually go inside of Area 51.

What do single mothers in my area find to be the biggest turn off?

Adblock

A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"

The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier was standing guard next to a river in a remote area

A man trekking through the wilderness saw the soldier.

Surprised to see anyone, he called across to ask what he was doing there, but the soldier didn't respond.

It was a wide river, so maybe the soldier couldn't hear him. He decided to try using hand gestures to communicate instead.<...

What is the area at the Danish/German border called?

The DaneGer zone!

I'll show myself out.

A furious lady marches into the eye clinic's reception area and shouts at the receptionist, "Who stole my wig during my eye surgery yesterday?"

The doctor immediately rushes out to pacify her. "I assure you, no one on my team would do such a thing. What makes you think it was stolen?"

The woman replies, "Well, before the procedure, my wig was perfect, but when I woke up, it was a tangled mess, and made me look ugly and cheap."
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Belgians are driving through a dark, wooded area

They encounter a roadblock and are stopped by a police officer. The officer looks over the car carefully. He then signals the driver to lower his car window, and says: "good evening, i need you to answer a few questions. You see, we are looking for a pair of serial rapists..". The driver interrupts ...

An arrogant zebra insists there are no lions in the area.

A herd of zebras are grazing peacefully. They begin to suspect that lions are waiting to ambush them in a nearby meadow. One of the zebras however thinks he knows everything and confidently declares that there can’t be lions because lions don’t move into that area until the autumn and haven’t arrive...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A writer moves to a rural area so he can focus on his writing without distractions

After getting settled in he sits down to start writing and is immediately disturbed by a knock on the door.

He answers to door to find an old scraggly looking man in dirty overalls, with very few teeth, and a long unkempt beard. The old man looks very excited to see him.


Howdy ne...

My area of expertise is spreadsheets

It's where I Excel.

How do you call the area between shoulder and hand?

Punchline.

Guys, don't install adblock

I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the area between 2 fake tits?

silicon valley.

A man walked into a resort and the first sign he saw said “Lool Area”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body

One guy said, "18."

A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"

Another guy said, "12."

The French guy piped up again, "119!"

A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"

The French guy shouted, "120!"

Is your name Area Fifty-One?

Because I wanna storm your private areas

Starting a tour to see all of the area protected wines in France.

I call it the Appellation Trail

When I die, I want to be buried in an area with lots of seismic activity

Strictly for the good vibes

Guys I m sneaking into Area 51

They didn't see m...

The UK just passed a law so that corporations have to post earnings statements in public spaces to be accessible, like in parks, metro stations, high-density residential areas...

And the words of the profits are written on the subway walls and tenement halls.

Homes are so expensive in my area I had to move into my friend's bouncy castle.

The rent's pretty expensive, but it's mostly due to inflation.

What's the term for the number of stupid people in an area?

Duncity.

Flasher on Hollywood Blvd (Jewish area)?

A flasher has been doing his thing on Hollywood Blvd exposing himself to several women.


After a while, he comes across an elderly Jewish lady.
He looks around for any police, none in sight, so he goes up to her & opens his coat,


The Jewish lady looks him up & ...

Why was the narrow strip of land with sea on either side, forming a link between two larger areas of land so happy?

It was a merry isthmus!

Hey girl are you Area 51?

Cause the government will shoot me for trying to get inside you forcefully

I knew Calabasas was a rich area of LA

But I had no idea it literally rains millionaires.

(Obvious disclaimer: the event is tragic, but this is a joke)

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

"Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems," says one of the leaders

The politician pounds his table, "Ok tell me what they are,...

A basketball team is created in Area 51 and for the inaugural match they decide to play against the Vatican.

How do they call the event? Aliens vs Predators

Did you know that chicken strips are a new form of currency in some areas?

They’re considered legal “tender”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During school lockdown drills there's always a designated area to defecate.

Since in emergencies it's always important to keep your shit together.

In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air?

God damn inflation.

So I'm at Costa Coffee at the service area

and I order a latte and I pick up a slab of fruit cake, and I say to the check-out lady "Sorry, I only have a £20 note".

And she says "You'll have to put the cake back then love."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought the area between the genitals and the butthole is called the "perineum". I was wrong...

It *taint*.

A dyslexic man was arrested for storming area 15

He was released as authorities felt bad for him.

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

I won a local area network from Australia

It’s a LAN down under

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms.

When his turn arrives, he looks at the cashier and asks "I'm sorry, I forgot to buy condoms, can you ask someone to bring me a packet?"

"That's fine", she tells him, "what size do you need?". He'...

A guy is driving through a rural area

when he sees a farmer holding a pig up to a tree so the pig can eat apples.
He stops his car and shouts to the farmer, 'Isn't that a waste of time?'
'Shoot'. says the farmer, 'what's time to a pig?'

We stormed Area 51 and found an alien

He’s name is Juan, they found him at the border.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

Did you know that the military scientists in Area 15

found a way to make people read numbers backward?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the area between a California woman’s boobs?

Silicone Valley

If you play hide and seek in a hospital what area should you avoid

The ICU

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does my alien girlfriend from area 51 have a Penis?

Something inside me says yes

Weathermen in my area are warning of purple rain this afternoon

And later on in the evening it looks like there will be some violet storms moving in.

Trump made an effort to list certain areas as "no-fly" zones.

Looks like he missed Pence's head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard...

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone....

I am pretty good at almost all areas of Math

But graphing is where I draw the line

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door...

She heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get ...

The growth of coronavirus in a given area is dependent on 2 primary factors:

1. How dense the population is

2. How dense the population is

All these people posting about invading Area 51..

All they need to do is change the “restricted area” signs to “now hiring” and “now recruiting” and it’ll lower the numbers by at least half.

There's a guy in our area stealing the wheels off police cars....

The cops are tirelessly working to find a suspect.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Australians prefer to stream their porn on local area networks?

They come from a LAN down under.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A city doctor is deployed in a tribal area.

After six months of serving there,he is sexually deprived. He finally opens up to a villager he had befriended.

he asks, "Here aren't any women. How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"


"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."


The next ...

Why do spiders hate Area 51?

It's a no-fly zone.

I met a cross dresser from the Greater Manchester area today.

He had a Wigan address.

I think the Area 51 raid is just stupid.

How do we not know the government won't just relocate them aliens before the 20th?

The CDC recommends you disinfect the areas you touch most.

I don’t recommend it because it does burn.

People keep talking about how they’re going to raid Area 51

Don’t they know that Donald Trump is moving all the aliens to Mexico?

What's the most dangerous, predominantly black area known to man?

Space

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area

It’s my pros and cons list

In honor of Area 51, what do you call too many aliens in one place???

Extra terrestrials

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Hitler call the area around his tent?

Mein Kampf

A mysterious hole was found in my area recently.

Local police are looking into it.

Jokes on us when the “Storm Area 51” event...

turns out to be a timeshare presentation.

Police have arrested a gang of Corn Flakes that they alledge committed a spree of armed robberies throughout the metro area. A Police spokesman described them as...

....cereal offenders.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They should just let sex offenders raid Area 51...

So that way it would be a real depiction of 'Aliens vs Predators'.

What do you call an area where multiple horses live?

A neiiiighborhood.

I used to be that area where water meets land...

But now I'm not so shore.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.