r/Jokes A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, ‘Lool Area’

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’.”

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

On this day, when we Americans storm Area 51, you Europeans should storm the Vatican Archives

We'll take on the aliens, you'll take on the predators.

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We should send sex offenders raid Area 51

Alien vs Predator

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

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Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

I run a dating service for lower income areas in The UK

It's how I make ends meet

My English friend called me from the Storm Area 51 event.

According to him, all they got for attending was a bloody t-shirt.

I think now that we've meemed and raided area 51, we should also raid the Vatican so we can compare...

We could call it Aliens vs Predators

In honor of Area 51, what do you call too many aliens in one place???

Extra terrestrials

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Did you know that the softest part in a woman's body is that area between her anus and her vagina?

No matter how hard you smash your eggs in there they would not crack.

Guys I m sneaking into Area 51

They didn't see m...

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

I got a tenured professorship. My area of expertise is mosquito bites.

It’s one hell of a niche.

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[NSFW] A man sees a urologist due to an abnormal growth in his groin area.

Urologist: "It looks like, you've got a third testicle growing!"

Man: "Oh.. erm... it isn't that bad, right?"

Urologist: "Having a third testicle might have ill side-effects in your health and your sexual ..."

Man (interrupting): "Okay, allright. What can we do?"

Urolo...

I am pretty good at almost all areas of Math

But graphing is where I draw the line

There's a guy in our area stealing the wheels off police cars....

The cops are tirelessly working to find a suspect.

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

I don’t know why people expect to find aliens in Area 51

Trump would have deported them by now!

A barber in my area got arrested for being a drug dealer.

I was his client for many years, and I had no clue that he was a barber.

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[OC] After area 51 raid, Joe drugged and took an alien to his home. When the drug worn off, Joe saw the alien walking towards him with a massive boner and he asked Joe in perfect English with a seducing voice "Who are you, sexy thing"?

Joe replied... Sapien.. No homo

Is your name Area Fifty-One?

Because I wanna storm your private areas

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Does my alien girlfriend from area 51 have a Penis?

Something inside me says yes

I have a feeling that quite a few people are getting "probed" over at Area 51 this weekend.

And its not by aliens.

I was in Area 51 last week. Here is a list of everything I saw

[Redacted]

A dyslexic man was arrested for storming area 15

He was released as authorities felt bad for him.

What does Area 51 and a g-spot have in common?

All these guys talking about what they’re going to do to it, but they can’t even find it.

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join.

But enough about the church.

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What do you call the area between a California woman’s boobs?

Silicone Valley

People keep talking about how they’re going to raid Area 51

Don’t they know that Donald Trump is moving all the aliens to Mexico?

So Chuck Norris is going to Area 51

We’re now 1.2 million infantrymen and 1 chuck norris strong. Our plan of attack is to send 400,000 from the east, 400,000 from the west, 400,000 from the south and Chuck Norris from the North.

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I went on the sex offender registry and found the addresses of all the sex offenders in my area, and sent them all hate mail.

Just to make sure they read it, I wrote the letters in crayon.

To save money my girlfriend and I sold our house and now live with our horses in their barn area.

Ir was tough at first but it's been a stable relationship.

How do you call an area populated by run-down Italian beauty salons?

A spa-ghetto


... I am so ashamed of myself...

Donald Trump heard about the Area 51 raid today and he said he wants to go.

He said, "if there are illegal aliens there I want to find them and send them back to their own planet."

All these people posting about invading Area 51..

All they need to do is change the “restricted area” signs to “now hiring” and “now recruiting” and it’ll lower the numbers by at least half.

Jokes on us when the “Storm Area 51” event...

turns out to be a timeshare presentation.

Hey girl are you Area 51?

Cause the government will shoot me for trying to get inside you forcefully

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.

Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pu...

We stormed Area 51 and found an alien

He’s name is Juan, they found him at the border.

What if we tell the flat earthers that the answers they are looking for are in Area 51

Then that way we get to watch people storm Area 51 and no one dies that anyone cares about!

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What do you call the area between 2 fake tits?

silicon valley.

Two bacteria walk into a bar, then into the staff area.

The barman says “get out!”

The bacteria say “don’t worry, we’re staph”

Can you imagine Netflix making a TV show about storming Area 51?

But then again, Stranger Things has happened

Ones that fall in the area 51 raid will be remembered.

Coz legends Nevada

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A city doctor is deployed in a tribal area.

After six months of serving there,he is sexually deprived. He finally opens up to a villager he had befriended.

he asks, "Here aren't any women. How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"


"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."


The next ...

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks ...

Got prescribed a new medicine for a minor condition a few weeks ago and the last few days every time I walk by an area with dirt or grass I zoom in a worm. Like (almost) every time--I don't know if it's some kind of weird worm bloom in my area or if I'm developing some kind of super vision

Should have read the side effects of the new medicine... it can cause bird vision.

Ed Smith was a famous but rude ore trader in the area.

ED SMITH'S SHOP.

It was one of the biggest landmarks in the town. You could just look at that big metal sign and see how proud the man was of his trade.

No matter how good a businessman he was, Ed's arrogant behavior was loathed by pretty much everyone. He was too proud of his riches, ...

I love jokes about mountains

They are hill areas

LPT: With Area 51 being raided soon, you should know what to do when you see a Spaceman...

Just park your car, man

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Two hungry vampire bats are sitting in a tree, discussing the best area to go to get some juicy blood...

The first bat says "I'm gonna fly out of the woods and see if there's anything near the river.

When the first bat returns, the second bat says "Did you have much luck?", to which he replies "Nah, absolutely nothing down there".

The second bat says "Okay I'm going to fly further into th...

Some might doubt that TV shows inspired hundreds of thousands of people to raid Area 51 looking for supernatural beings

but I've seen stranger things

Did you know that in malaria ridden areas, muslims are not required to remove shoes when entering their praying buildings?

Mosque-y toe control is essential.

What do you call a nail salon in a gentrified area?

White Claw.

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.

It blew my mind. I’ve been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

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They should just let sex offenders raid Area 51...

So that way it would be a real depiction of 'Aliens vs Predators'.

Hey gurl, are you Area 51?

because there are tons of crazy rumours going on about you and upon further research, it seems like they might actually be true.

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

Joke Archeology -- who's heard an older version of this often recycled joke?

I heard this one the first time back in the early 70's.

Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger were giving a young hippie hitchhiker a ride home in Air Force One from the Camp David Area, they started having engine trouble, unfortunately there were only four parachutes and the drafted pilots ju...

What’s the difference between a dirty waiting area for public transport and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station and one’s a busty crustacean

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

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Mosses must have the most fucked up childhood.

They only grow up in shady areas.

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

Came up with this one just now.

One day, a new hobbit moves into the Shire. Frodo is asked to show him around the place

Frodo: Welcome, friend! This is the shire!

Hobbit: Ah, what a lovely spot!

Frodo: *walks to gloomy area* This area right here is a pretty bad place, my friend. It's basically a worse shire.<...

So I live in a national forest, and I frequently explore the area...

One day, a park ranger stopped by my house and knocked on the door. I opened it, and he came inside. He asked me if I had heard of the recent shortage of bears in the park, to which I denied. He asked me a few more questions and then went on his way. A few hours later he came back with a warrant to ...

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

Jake decided to send his good friend, Thomas, a bouquet of flowers to celebrate Thomas's business expansion.

He called a florist in Thomas' local area and made arrangements- flowers, personalized note, vase, and so forth.

A week later, Thomas called Jake, confused. "Jake- what the hell? The florist dropped off a bouquet of lilies with a message that says 'Rest in peace.'"

Jake realizes the fl...

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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

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I went to visit my 80 year old grandfather who lives in a rural area [long]

He made me breakfast and as I was eating I noticed the plates had a film-like residue on them.

"Grandpa are these plates clean?", I asked him.

He responded, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Now hurry up and eat your food."

Later that day he made hamburgers and as w...

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Let's see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were...

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Tinder is for rookies

Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.

Driving down a highway,I saw a sign that said "rest area 25 miles."

I thought to myself "wow,that's pretty big"

( Stolen from Steven Wright)

What do you call an area where multiple horses live?

A neiiiighborhood.

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What does Hitler call the area around his tent?

Mein Kampf

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A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for ...

Three different types of engineers are debating which of their fields God must have worked in

A mechanical engineer speaks first. "Look at the joints, look at the tendons and ligaments, look at how strong our bones are. God was clearly a mechanical engineer."


An electrical engineer chimes in. "Are you kidding me? Look at the nerves, look at the way our brain can fire off a c...

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Three birds were eating fermented seeds from cow manure in a fenced in barn area.

After eating their fill they noticed three barn cats lurking about. They decided they needed to get out of there. Feeling inebriated the first decided to get a boost by starting from a quarter way up a rake. It tries, and fumbles. Cat gets it!

The second one hoping for a better chance goes up...

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

I tried to look up Atlanta’s area code.

All I got was 404.

Request from a worried P*nis

I, the P\*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:



1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. In fact holidays and weekends are when I to...

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A late Halloween political joke.

The president and his wife were invited to a Halloween costume party. The Donald enters their apartment and notices Melania is wearing nothing but a pair of hip boots. "What the hell is that?"

Melania looks at him and says, "It's my costume: I'm going as Puss In Boots."

Donald nods a...

What do you call a poor area with high crime rates in Italy?

A sphagetto.

What do you call that monk who is living in the urban area?

citiZEN

There was once an angel who was very happy with life because she was very beautiful and she always got to wear pretty, perfect dresses.

One day, when she ran out of clothes to wear, she decided to wash them. When she took her dresses out of the washing machine, she noticed several small pieces of fibre were just stuck randomly on her pieces of dressing.

This incident absolutely traumatized her. She was always known for how pe...

A new gynaecologist just opened near my area but, people are saying he is deaf...

I guess he is a really good lip reader...

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

It was the mid-1820’s when Phillip and his brother Terrance decided that they wanted to better their lives.

So the two brothers packed a wagon with everything they owned and started out from their small home in Missouri. The trail to Oregon was very tough and the relationship between the brothers was already stressed at best.

Phillip, being the older brother, was constantly very critical of his you...

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Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

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A sales man once went to Japan for business

A sales man once wemt to japan for business. He decided to visit a bordello because he got word of the japanese special capabilities in the love making area. So he went into a room with a lady and they got into the stuff, and in the heat of the moment the lady kept shouting
Machigatta ana,
M...

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Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked...

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Professor - Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Professor - Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compart...

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A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men.

After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river.

The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so...

I looked up the nearest recycling center in my area in google maps and asked for directions

It opened up this subreddit

Mountain ranges aren't just funny

They're hill areas

Cindy and Lucy were to high-powered DC lawyers.

They had been childhood friends, gone to the same law school, and gone into partnership together. Through their hard work, they became well known in the DC area and bumped elbows with politicians.

One summer, they decided to hold a fourth of july party and invite all the members of congress....

Properly prepared

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke t...

The Submarine Party

To boost morale, a submarine captain decides to hold a party for the seamen while underwater. Given the tight space, they setup various areas throughout the boat to serve the crew. Despite the long lines at each area, the party is going well, with everyone happily eating and drinking.

About m...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

A girl realized that the area between her legs have grown some hair.

Worried, she quickly told her mother. Her mother calmly says "That thing where the hair grows is called monkey. And the growing hair is normal."

During dinner, the girl excitedly announced, "My monkey has started growing hair!". Her older sister boastfully said, "Heh, That's nothing. Mine sta...

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Sugar and sperm (true story)

During a Science class...

Teacher: Human sperm has sugar as one of his main ingredients.

Female student: Teacher, if it has sugar why it's not sweet?

Teacher: because the area that detects sweetness is the tongue, not the throat.

A Halloween joke?

A homeless man named Sturgis was walking down to his town's Human Resources to apply for housing assisstance. When he gets there, he sees some strange creatures in line ahead of him. Cousin It from the Adams' family was there, as well as the Looney Tunes version of Mr. Hyde. Among them was your typi...

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

What is the difference between concrete and pavement?

Eh, it's a grey area.

What do you call the area where a group of French cats talk?

A chatroom

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