A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

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What do you call the area between 2 fake tits?

silicon valley.

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Let's see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were...

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfe...

I went to visit my 80 year old grandfather who lives in a rural area [long]

He made me breakfast and as I was eating I noticed the plates had a film-like residue on them.

"Grandpa are these plates clean?", I asked him.

He responded, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Now hurry up and eat your food."

Later that day he made hamburgers and as w...

What do you call an area where multiple horses live?

A neiiiighborhood.

Got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and shoot down any illegal flying devices in the area.

I'll be known as The Drone Ranger.

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is beginning to deliver the baby

The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can fini...

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I just bought PornHub Premium.

And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.

I tried to look up Atlanta’s area code.

All I got was 404.

A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.

It blew my mind. I’ve been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

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Three birds were eating fermented seeds from cow manure in a fenced in barn area.

After eating their fill they noticed three barn cats lurking about. They decided they needed to get out of there. Feeling inebriated the first decided to get a boost by starting from a quarter way up a rake. It tries, and fumbles. Cat gets it!

The second one hoping for a better chance goes up...

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

What does Hitler call the area around his tent?

Mein Kampf

What do you call a poor area with high crime rates in Italy?

A sphagetto.

A new gynaecologist just opened near my area but, people are saying he is deaf...

I guess he is a really good lip reader...

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Sy...

What do you call that monk who is living in the urban area?

citiZEN

I looked up the nearest recycling center in my area in google maps and asked for directions

It opened up this subreddit

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.




The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could b...

I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

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A city man recently moved to a rural area

He buys a nice house & his neighbors seem great.
One of his neighbors comes up to his fence & they begin to talk.

The country guy tells him “I’m going to throw a big party for you at my place. There’s going to be a lot of drinking, a lot of fighting & a lot of fucking.”
<...

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Did you hear on the news about the guy going to all of the craft stores in the area?

He was dipping his testicles in in glitter.

It was pretty nuts.

When I was exploring the area near Chernobyl, I touched an old electric pole.

That post gave me cancer.

What do you call the area where a group of French cats talk?

A chatroom

A receptionist at a doctor’s office announces new privacy laws to patients waiting in the common area.

“Starting today, people won’t be called by their name.”

People somehow smile and nod.

“So, the man with hemorrhoids, please come in.”

What do you call an urban area in France with a low average income and high rates of criminality?

A baghuetto

A girl realized that the area between her legs have grown some hair.

Worried, she quickly told her mother. Her mother calmly says "That thing where the hair grows is called monkey. And the growing hair is normal."

During dinner, the girl excitedly announced, "My monkey has started growing hair!". Her older sister boastfully said, "Heh, That's nothing. Mine sta...

I grew up in a rough area. When I was a kid people used to cover me in Chocolate and cream and put a Cherry on top of my head

Life was hard in the gateau

The world is full of grey areas.

I don't know how you can get any more black and white than that.

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Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

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A newly graduated doctor is assigned to a rural area, and after a few days he realizes that there were no women in the village, they were all men.

After taking a bit of confidence he asks one of his patients that they did when they had the need for sex and the patient replied: That they went down to the river.

The weekend came and the doctor went to the river, and there was a huge line of men standing on the shore of the river. Being so...

There was a vendor in the area that sold delicious fruit smoothies.

One day the man disappeared.

So did the punchline.

The Thane Of Cawdor’s (Scottish equiv. Of Earl) castle is protected by high stone walls. The weak point is the old wooden drawbridge, which is showing the first small signs of rot in some areas.

The smartest men in the castle assemble to advise the king, but all of their solutions involve paying for a brand new drawbridge, which the Scottish Thane is not a fan of.

“Oh, the cost!” He cried, “isn’t there anyone in the kingdom who has a better, cheaper idea for protecting the wood of ...

Area 51

The US Air Force has a high security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"

One afternoon, a Cessna landed at this "secret" base. The aircraft was immediately impounded and the pilot was interrogated.

The pilot's story was that - he took off from Vegas, got lost and sp...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

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A bus full of politicians crashes in a big deserted area..

There was only one man that could see the accident. The farmer who owns the house nearby heard the noises and goes to take a look, calling the police and ambulance on the way. Half & hour minutes later a policeman knocks on his door and asks "Where are the people involved in crash?" The farmer s...

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I was on a porn website. An ad popped up, saying, 'I'm a hot, sexy girl that lives in your area and I want a thick, hard penis...'

I thought, 'You should probably see a surgeon about that.'

This mechanic in my area went to jail for dealing drugs

I've been his customer for over 5 years...I had no clue he was a mechanic.

I used to be that area where water meets land...

But now I'm not so shore.

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye.

but If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.

&#x200B;

Don’t you hate when a joke repeats its first line in the title and in the text area

Don’t you hate when a joke repeats its first line in the title and in the text area, but you still get suckered into reading the whole thing over again?

What do you call the troublesome storage area under your roof?

Problematic.

My Dad actually said this is a Denver area Pizza Hut.

A group of maybe 6\-8 of us were finishing up our meal when a rather large woman \(our waitress\) came over and asked my dad if "we wanna box for our left over pizza?" Without skipping a beat, my dad looks her right in the eye and says "no, but I'll wrestle ya for it!". The look on her face was pric...

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Ever since I got Pornhub Premium local women in my area haven't been interested in me.

Help what do I do?

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone get...

Gabriel's horn is a geometric figure which has infinite surface area but finite volume

This is in contrast to a vuvuzela which has a finite surface area but infinite volume

Hey girl, are you a hot single from my area?

Because you look like you'll give me some form of virus

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician are given the task to contain the largest amount of area with a limited amount of fence.

The physicist designs a square fence, showing that a square contains the most area.

The Engineer then designs a circular fence, showing that the area to circumference ratio is better than a square.

The mathematician think for a moment, then starts building a tiny fence around himself. ...

A person has been infected by a disease that has made him unable to see well in dimly lit areas with his right eye.

The doctor proposes he receives a rod transplant in his right eye immediately and tells the surgeons.

Directly after the surgery, the patient asks the doctor, ‘Doctor, the surgery didn’t work, I am now unable to see anything and I even set off metal detectors accidentally.’

The doctor ...

Having grown up in a small secluded area of Key West, I met a new friend who just moved here from New York.

Quite the change from all the hustle & bustle of city life for him. I was excited to hear all about his life there over dinner with his parents in town visiting.

He exclaims: “Stores are massive, and the restaurants are fantastic!”
Then he said; “I went to a lot of topless bars! Grea...

I told my wife I wanted a change and I was leaving for a remote area...

So I got up from the sofa and went to the coffee table where the remote was located.

A few years ago, in the Boston area,

A large number of crows were found dead on the sides of the road. Ornithologists, were afraid of a new strain of Avian Flu, so they collected a few bodies to perform autopsies on. They ended up finding paint chips on every single one of the birds, so they analyzed them, and found that they were fro...

Why will the south never know the area of a chess board.

It is black and white so they won't integrate

What Kind Of Meat Comes From The Shin Area

Bologna

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It seems that there's no sexy women in my area anymore.

I guess that's the downside of watching porn in prison.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I had a day at the zoo. It was going pleasantly until my wife had to lunge at me and scurry me out of the chimpanzee area under a flurry of flying poop

She gave me a the dirtiest look when I told her, "they started it!"

A large city in the Yorkshire area has gone missing,

Police are looking for Leeds.

(friend told me that one)

During a marriage preparation class, the teacher asked how many kissable areas there are on a woman's body

One guy said, "18."

A French guy in the back yelled, "119!"

Another guy said, "12."

The French guy piped up again, "119!"

A sweet girl in the front said, "I know only one...the lips!"

The French guy shouted, "120!"

What did the mathematician say after the square thanked him for finding its area?

Di-mention it.

What is the area at the Danish/German border called?

The DaneGer zone!

I'll show myself out.

Five cannibals

Five cannibals are hired as employees in a company.
Their first day at the company the boss tells them:
- Now you are part of the group, here you earn well, and if you are hungry you can go to the company canteen. So please, do not bother other employees!
The cannibals promise not to distur...

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I was watching porn when an ad popped up saying "Local women in your area want sex!"

So I went and knocked on my sister's door.

What's the difference between parking in a designated area and parking on the street?

A lot.

What do you call a bad area in an italian city?

The spaghetto

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why doesn't Taco Bell have a play area?

It's hard to have a good time when you're trying not to shit your pants.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill is sitting in the ladies beauty parlour waiting area....

A pretty woman came to him, pressed his shoulders gently & said: come let's go.

Bro Bill looked left & right, started sweating a bit & anticipating dire consequences said: I am married & waiting for my wife.

Lady: look carefully, it is me!

What do you call a conglomerate of shrubbery that rules over an area?

A hedge-emony.

Trump has just been debriefed about the aliens in area 51

he wants them deported immediately

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit.

A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?" 

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in." 

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?" ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Touching funeral for homeless man

As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I fi...

What's the difference between a dirty area where people wait for buses and a crab with breast implants

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a freak of nature able to somehow talk to humans about such matters

A young guy is buying condoms for the first time...

The pharmacy he goes to is in a high-crime area, so frequently stolen things like condoms are kept behind the counter. He sees a sign advertising condoms for $6.99 a box. Nervously, he approaches the counter.

"I'd like one box of condoms please."

"Certainly," says the pharmacist. "An...

Some engineers were arguing about God.

One says, "God was clearly a mechanical engineer. Just look at the structure of the bones, how they're shaped to carry their loads without wasted weight, how the joints interlock to give free movement, how the muscles are optimally placed as actuators with the best leverage."

The second repli...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

I want all buildings to have a reception area.

I think I'll lobby for it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lawyer and a doctor area at a cocktail party

A person comes up to the doctor and asks about a symptom he's been having lately. The gives him some advice and turns to the lawyer.

It's always awkward when people ask me for my professional opinion in a casual setting. Do you think it's ok if I charge them?

Absolutely says the lawyer...

In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air?

God damn inflation.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(NSFW) Since I got ad-blocker, less women in my area want to have sex with me.

Obviously, ad-blocker is a huge turn off.

A mysterious hole was found in my area recently.

Local police are looking into it.

Clem was small game hunting in the woods right around the border area of North Carolina, South Carolina and Georgia.

He had just shot a possum and was putting it in his game bag when the game warden approached. The game warden says, "Whatcha got there son?"

Clem says, "Just doin' a little hunting. I got me a couple squirrels, a rabbit and this here possum." The game warden grabs the possum, sticks his finge...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is at the dentist for a root canal.

The dentist, picking up a syringe, moved toward the patient.

“WHOAAA! What’s that for?” Asked the patient

“Well, this injection will numb the area around your tooth and keep you from feeling pain during the procedure” explained the dentist.

“No way! I am deathly afraid of needl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Italian man lived alone in the country.

It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear ...

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