UPJOKE
liftsneakpilferlootfilchburglarizethievepurloinburgleshopliftrobembezzleplunderbuyslip

Stole Jokes

Thieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of Red Bull

I don't know how these people sleep at night

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket

You can hide but you can’t run

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The authorities put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

So I broke up with my handicapped girlfriend and stole her wheelchair..

But guess who came crawling back!!?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

Someone broke into my house and stole every bulb.

I was delighted.

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes lat...

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you..

You have my Word.

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

A thief stole my credit card

But I don't mind, he's spending less than my wife

Two guys stole a calendar

They both got 6 months

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stole a stripper's kid.

It was like taking baby from a Candi.

"Drive that thing like you stole it!"

One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"

Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.

To which my Dad replied, "...

To the guy who stole my antidepresants,

I hope you're happy now

Somebody stole my mood ring

I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

A slice of bread stole a lot of money from the sandwich Mafia

so they set his house on fire as he was sleeping.

He's toast now.

A Man Claimed I stole His Guitar.

I told him his accusations were bassless.

Someone just stole my thesaurus

I have no words to describe how I feel.

Somebody stole all the toilets in the police station

The cops have nothing to go on

A girl takes a black guy home.

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house.

They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)"

To which the man responded "Of...

Someone stole my book bag today.

I don’t have the words to describe how I am feeling right now.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

..I will find you. You have my Word.

---

Jim and Bob were at the pub when Jim says "Some prick stole my credit card the other day" Bob replies "Did you report it to the police?" Jim says "I was going to but I dont' think I will" Bob replies "Why on earth not?"

Jim Then Says "Well The Thief Appears To Be Spending Less Than What My Wife Does".

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick..

How low can you get?

If I stole some fog...

...would it be mist?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An employee stole my credit card and used it to buy porn. I had to fire him for poor judgement....

WHO PAYS FOR PORN?!?

Someone just stole some grass from my garden

Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf

What did Slugma say when someone stole his car?

''Where did Magcargo?''

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilet seats.

Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on.

I asked my horse if he stole my thesaurus.

He said nope.

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

What did Janis Joplin say when somebody stole her “wet floor” sign?

“Take it. Take another little piso mojado, baby.”

A thief broke into my house and stole my prized thesaurus.

I am at a loss for words.

The guy who stole my diary just died.

My thoughts are with his family.

Someone stole my coffee cup.

Police report states I was mugged.

To the idiot who stole my dictionary

I really have no words for you

Someone at school stole my thesaurus.

I just can't describe how angry I am.


(Edit: credit to emul4tion for suggesting a tighter version of my original)

Someone stole my palette...

It's all good, now. I caught him red handed.

I stole a bottle of ketchup from the store.

In Heinz sight It was a bad idea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some Jerk stole my Anti-Depressants earlier today.

I hope he's happy.

I would like to tell the person who stole my place in the queue

I’m after you now!

A lone cowboy nobody knew walks into a mining town bar..

He orders two drinks which he downs slowly. When he was done with his drinks, he paid the bartender and walks out to see that his horse with all his stuff is missing.

He turns around, walks back in the bar, pulls his guns from his holster and shoots them in the air.

"Which ever one o...

Someone stole David's id...

Now we call him Dav

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whoever stole my porno mags....

...I hope you feel like a jerk.

.


Hol up...

If someone stole a Tesla

Would it be called an Edison?

To the English teacher that stole my calendar...

Your days are numbered. Mark my words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The thief who stole viagra at the pharmacy...

He's really a *hardened* criminal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap.

Dirty bastards.

To whoever stole my thesaurus...

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.

I asked God for a bike, but I knew God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to get out of a speeding ticket...

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer...

After winning Wimbledon, Carlos Alcaraz came home to see that someone stole all his cars.

He will be known as Los Alaz from now on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stole a dog and named it Boomerang

I hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe

A well stole my vacuum cleaner recently...

I showed my friend a picture and he sent "well that sucks"

Somebody stole my anti depressants..

Whoever you are.. I hope you’re fking happy!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I split up with my boyfriend, last night and he stole my toilet...

Guess, I shouldn't have told him to take all his shit and leave

A guy goes to confession and tells the priest that he committed all 7 deadly sins in one day.

He says "I was trying to get money together for the perfect house and someone bought it first. I got so angry and envious that I disguised myself as the utilities man and went over while he was at work. I seduced his wife and when she was showering I stole all the cash and jewelry I could find. Then...

Joseph stole my girl...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but...

A burglar stole all of my lamps

I should be upset, but I’m delighted

I'm the laziest baker ever, so I was actually happy when someone stole my sourdough.

Whoever it was, I'm sure they knead it more than I did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who was absolutely obsessed with trains one day finally stole one and immediately crashed it, killing several people on board.

At the trial, he is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before facing his death sentence, he's offered one last meal, and requests a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch... but nothing ha...

Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.

Just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So someone stole my catalytic converter again...

I find that shit exhausting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandpa tells his grandson, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

A woman goes in front of a judge.

The judge said, "Why are you here today?"

She said, "I stole a can of peaches." The judge said, "How many peaches are in the can?"

She said, "Six." The Judge said, "Ok, you spend six days in jail then."

The lady’s husband quickly stood up and asked the judge if he could speak on...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally stole a wig?

He walked out of the store and forgot toupee.

I visited a psychic the other day and stole her crystal ball

She should’ve seen it coming…

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.