To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you.

**I have contacts.**

To the guy who stole my antidepressants...

I hope you are happy now

If I find out who stole my copy of MS Office, I'll kill you...

I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don't have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you give my MS Office...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

To the person who stole the password to my cam profile:

I’m coming for you.

Someone stole all the pencils at the police station

Detectives have no leads.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back

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Someone just stole my audio software. It was free, but I can't believe them.

The Audacity of that bitch.

I just stole a wig from the devil

If I ever get caught, there's going to be hell toupee.

Someone stole my favorite coffee cup right off my desk at work.

Now I have to go down to the police station and look at some mug shots.

Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick

How low can you go?

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel

I just can’t handle it anymore.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket.

You can hide but you can’t run.

Two criminals stole a calendar

They got six months each

Today i stole the inhaler of a kid

It was breathtaking

A guy goes to Court because he thinks that his neighbor stole the fence surrounding his yard

Guy: This man has stolen the fence surrounding my house, which was contained in my property

Judge: understood. Do you, the accused have a defense?

Neighbor: yes.

Judge: **Guilty**

The Guy who stole my diary died

Now my thoughts are with his family

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbour.

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.

A few minutes lat...

To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..

You'll have nothing to gain!!!

Heard of the nun that stole a fortune to fund her gambling habit?

The first clue probably should have been that she spent a fortune on a habit specifically for gambling.

Thieves broke into a house and stole a big vault but it's only filled with big rocks

Thieves are getting boulder and boulder

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office

I will find you. You have my Word.

I could never believe that my father stole when he had a job as a crossing guard...

But the signs where there...

What did the elf say after an orc stole his Legos?

I’m Legolas.

I asked my horse if he stole my thesaurus.

He said nope.

Someone stole my newspaper this morning, so I quickly sneaked next door and took my neighbours.

Now that I've calmed down, I think kidnap may have been excessive.

Joseph stole my girl...

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but...

Someone stole my mood ring...

... and I don't know how I feel about that.

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

Someone stole all my Bach records

They just baroque in and took them.

3 guys stole a beer.

So three guys stole a beer and planned to split it 3 ways but they were very paranoid about being caught so they decided to wait the night out of town so as to not get caught. After leaving town you know they built a campsite and decided to take shifts watching their beer to make sure it’s safe... s...

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Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

One day, a man stole a copy of the Bible.

The rightful owner filed a police report, but there was no evidence left behind nor any leads on who might've stolen it, so the case fell to the wayside. As there was nothing particularly special about this Bible compared to other copies, the rightful owner bought a new copy and forgot about the ord...

A thief stole a sine and a cosine... He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry.

He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine. He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosine over sine... <...

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My grandpa told me, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

So my wife and I just had our first child. A man ran into the delivery room and stole our child’s umbilical cord.

The search lasted for days. We thought there was no hope in finding the cord. A few days later we were advised that the man and the cord were found.

He was hiding on a navel base.

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I ...

Police arrested a man who stole Wikipedia!

The man said, "Wait officer! I can explain everything!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stole a Japanese alcoholic beverage from Pennywise.

When police asked me why I did it I couldn’t give them a reason - I just did it for the sake of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To the person who stole my Viagra

You should be ashamed! You need to go home and take a long, hard look at yourself!

What is it called when the plate stole the cups date right in front of them?

A BOWLD MOVE!


it’s 6AM here and I rushed on here to type it before I forgot...so enjoy

What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar?

He got 25 days



(ba dum tsssss)

A burglar stole all of my lamps

I should be upset, but I’m delighted

Someone stole my eyeglasses.

I was robbed blind!

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It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.

Someone stole my jar of mayonnaise at lunch today

I was like, “What the Hellman?”

Did you hear about the mexican who stole a train?

He had a loco-motive

To the person who stole my iPhone

You will face time

Hey! He stole my milk!

How dairy!

Who stole the soap from the bathtub

The robber ducky

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

When I was 15 my friend gave me an “Adult” DVD that he stole from his stepdad. I’m in my late 20’s now and still watch it regularly...

I’m hoping to finish it someday.

A thief walked into a theatre

He stole the spotlight

(I saw this joke on plague inc and wanted to share it with you guys)

Somebody robbed the police department yesterday and stole all the toilets

Sadly, the detectives have nothing to go on

I was in court today and there was a lady with her husband

The lady was getting trialed for theft, so the judge asked her what she had stolen.

The lady responds "I stole a can of peaches your honour", and after a few moments after thinking about this, the judge asked her how many peaches had been in that can.

Hesitantly, the lady tells him t...

In the middle of the night, my neighbor stole the entire protective barrier that surrounds my property. He asked if I was mad...

Needless to say, a fence was taken.

My dad confiscated my weed so I stole his flight ticket,

neither of us is getting high today

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“One of you bastards stole my wallet!”

[reaches into pocket and discovers wallet is there]

“... and one of you is a magician!”

I stole the punctuation keys from a Judge's keyboard yesterday.

I'm expecting a long sentence.

Somebody stole all the books in the White House

Donald was fuming he hadn't finished colouring them in

A movie theater in my town was recently robbed of over $20,000 of merchandise

The thieves apparently stole 5 popcorn/soda combos and 10 boxes of Raisinets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I split up with my boyfriend, last night and he stole my toilet...

Guess, I shouldn't have told him to take all his shit and leave

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

I stole some gardening equipment from a pimp.

He found me, grabbed me by my collar and shouted, "Where my hoes at?"

I can’t believe it, someone stole all the light bulbs in my house?

I was de-lighted!

My mom stole money from me to buy new countertops

She seriously needs to stop taking things for granite

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An employee stole my credit card and used it to buy porn. I had to fire him for poor judgement....

WHO PAYS FOR PORN?!?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a DC villain that stole Batman's porn?

The jerker

What I had to do in Texas...

This is a pretty old one, but I figure it's worth telling just in case people on this sub haven't heard it.

In a typical wild west desert town, a typical rugged cowboy/drifter type rides his horse up to a saloon, then ties it to the post and saunters in for a drink. While he's drinking, some...

Drunk walks up to a beat cop

Says, "Ociffer, somebody stole my car!"

Cop says, "well where was it when you last saw it?"

Drunk holds up his keychain says, "it was right here on the end of this key!"

Cop looks the drunk up and down, points over the drunks shoulder says, " you'll need to go down to the precin...

What did Slugma say when someone stole his car?

''Where did Magcargo?''

30 years ago my uncle stole my nose, and he hasn’t given it back.

-Lord Voldemort

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thieves stole a truck full of viagra this morning...

Police have asked the public to keep an eye out for *hardened criminals*.

I really wish I knew who stole the jack from under my car I was working on...

The suspension is killing me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stole this:

Me: I'm terrified of the vertical axis.
Therapist: why?
Me: (SCREAMS)

A burglar broke into my house and stole the most important things in my life.

Whoever you are please bring back my hand lotion and the box of napkins.

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