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Stolen Jokes

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin
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My coworker keeps complaining about his lunch being stolen from the break room fridge.

Monday morning he brought in a turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Put it in the fridge. By lunch time it was gone.

Tuesday he brought in ham and cheddar on white bread. Put it in the fridge, again gone by lunch.

Today he brought a chicken ceaser wrap. Gone by noon.

I hope he...
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.
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One stolen joke is a coincidence. Two stolen jokes is a pattern.

Thirty stolen jokes is an Amy Schumer special.
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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.
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A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.

Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.
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A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone's cow.

He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.

The priest forgave him in God's name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.

The thief asks, "Will you take the cow, then, Father?"

The priest says, "No my son, I cannot accept."

The con...
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A lorry full of toupees was stolen...

Police are combing the area for clues.
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The stolen credit card.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: Coz the thief was spending less than my wife.

Police:Then why are you reporting it now?

Man: Well, I think now the thief's wife has started to use it.
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Breaking News: There was a break in at the police station today and the toilet was stolen.

The police have nothing to go on.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?

You get *NOTHING*! *YOU LOSE*! *GOOD DAY, SIR*!

Today I discovered someone had stolen my activation for Microsoft Office...

I don't know who you are but I will find you, you have my word.
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My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day.

Now they just call me Dav.
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The Stolen Horse

A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. The Desperado swears, steps back into the bar, and fires a round into the piano. The room goes dead silent. “I’m gonna have one more beer,” the Desperado bellows to the ...
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$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day

All eight books were recovered.
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WANTED: Someone has stolen the wheels to the police cars

The police is working tirelessly to find the suspect
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bit dated, but it gave me a chuckle nonetheless. (Blatantly stolen from a grandma email.)

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If...

A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen

He decided to use it as inspiration for that week’s sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially “thou shalt not steal”


Then he got to “thou shalt not commit adultery” and remembered where he left his bike.
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The British Museum has allegedly dismissed a member of staff over "stolen" items

Which is ironic..
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the Viagra shipment that was stolen?

The police are on the lookout for hardened criminals.

My wife’s car got stolen while she was out the other day.

I said ,“Were you able to see what the guy looked like?”

She replied, “No, but I got the license plate number!”

[Source](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jrFgD9-l390)
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What do you call someone that saw an iPhone being stolen?

An iWitness.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cow gets stolen from a family…

The mother cries to her three sons, “Boys! Some prick has stolen our cow!”

The first son says, “If it’s a prick, it must be someone from Randville”

The second son, “If it’s someone from Randville, they must be short”

The third son, “If it’s someone short from Randville, it must ...

If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen

The door is always open
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jew in Heaven

An old Jew dies and goes to Heaven.
He was a funny guy and meeting the God he started with telling a holocaust joke.
God says "That wasn't funny. It was offensive."
The Jew replies "I guess you had to be there."

(its an old, stolen joke, I am too dumb to make it up)

An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen.

Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.
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Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.

Those dirty bastards.

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi
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Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.
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A small village's pastor's bicycle was stolen

And he was discussing what to do with the choir master.

"I know, I'll do a sermon on the ten commandments, and when I get to 'thou shalt not steal', I'll pause and look everybody in the eye to see who looks guilty".

After church, the choir master asked the vicar if he'd worked out who ...
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A city was stolen today in the North of England

Police are desperately looking for Leeds
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What do you call stolen digestive medication?

Klepto-Bismol
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What do you call a Mexican whose car has been stolen?

Carlos
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy sees an elephants penis at the zoo

He asks “mommy! whats that?"

Mom quickly replies "oh that's nothing" and walks on.

Later while passing the elephant the kid sees the weiner again and says to his dad "what's that daddy?"

Dad replies "oh thats the elephants penis"

kid says "oh, mommy says that's n...

1 stolen jokes an accident

1 stolen jokes an accident, 2 stolen jokes a coincidence and thousands of stolen jokes is r/jokes
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2.000 light bulbs stolen

Investigators still in the dark
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or so...

Did you hear about all the toilets being stolen inside the Miami Dade police department?

The cops have nothing to go on.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had my wallet stolen and my ass is red raw from being whipped.

I know my girlfriend didn't want to get pregnant but there must be better methods of contraception than sending me out to find a con domme.

What did the baker say when his recipe was stolen?

It's scone!
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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...
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My friends vehicle was stolen...

Where did Vincent's Van Go?
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I had to report my stolen amazon package

The police are still looking for a prime suspect
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My car got stolen yesterday !!

I thought of calling the cops but then realized it was better not to call them and let the car thief take care of the dead bodies in my trunk.
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My gloves were stolen yesterday..

They fell into the wrong hands
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(Stolen from my band teacher) I broke up with my console recently,

It’s now my ex-box. It wasn’t anything personal I just wanted a switch.
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What would you call stolen stomach medicine?

Klepto Bismol
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The Stolen Watch

One day a soldier had his expansive watch stolen.

Seeing as he was deployed with no one but his squadmates around, he went to the squad commander for help.

The squad commander made everyone sit in a circle inside a tent, with a pillow in the middle.

He said, “Listen, we don’t h...
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I live in a poor neighborhood. Last week, I got my bike stolen

Because I couldn’t afford to buy it.
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Some one has stolen my thesaurus.

I can't find the words to describe how angry i am.
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What's the funniest thing you've stolen?

A joke.
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Ah, Perry the Platypus. Before I begin, I would like to assure you that this joke was absolutely not stolen. And of course by not stolen I mean COMPLETELY STOLEN! *activates trap*

Behold, My voice-changenator! This masterpiece has the power to modify people's voices across the tristate area! Watch as I merely post to my blog, and then any one who reads it is suddenly unable to resist even thinking in a voice other than my own!
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Need to move some stolen merchandise?

Good neighbors make good fences.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

Stolen Tires

Where I live there was a man who stole tires off police cars. No one knew who he was or why he did it and it took a long time for the police to finally catch him.

It took months of working tirelessly to stop him.
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I wanted to tell my favorite stolen joke.

I’ll let you know when I get it back.
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Religion

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar.

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty,...
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What do you call a stolen jar?

A free mason.
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My collection of board game inspired movies was robbed, but I dont know what was stolen

I have no clue
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Did you hear about the pen thief that ended up getting stabbed to death with a pen he had just stolen?

Payback’s a Bic.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stolen joke

One time I had a kid come over to my house and tell me that my house was small and boring. So then I told him that my house was small because I had an amazing secret basement full of games and toys that I never tell anyone about. This kid wanted to see it really badly at that point, so I told him to...

Harry's local manufacturing business was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen.

Police are currently combing the area for clues.
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So my wife's wallet got stolen 6 months ago...

...and all her credit cards are in it but I haven't reported it to the police yet because the thieves are spending less than she does!!!
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My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...
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Bee on the Alert!!! 60,000 Giant bees were recently stolen from a farm in Pennslyvania.

Police have a huge sting operation on their hands.
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Shamelessly stolen

A momma mole, pappa mole and baby mole were all in their mounds relaxing. The pappa mole popped his head out, and said "It smells like honey up here!"
The momma mole then popped her head out and said "No, it smells like syrup up here."
The baby mole wanted to pop his head out, but there wasn...
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What flavor are stolen Doritos?

Nacho cheese
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A car stolen

A blonde woman drove to the supermarket and parked in the supermarket car park. She took her time shopping and just as she was coming out of the supermarket, she saw a young lad break into the car, hot wire it and drive off.

Naturally she reported the matter to the police.
“What did he l...
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My Eskimo friend got his ski stolen.

Now he dresses in black, and is always depressed.
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Aunt Millie's secret recipe has been stolen by Sara Lee's brother.

Alleged Lee.
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How did the painter respond to his stolen car

Where did my van gogh?
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My friend had his bags stolen on his flight

he arrived at his destination and went straight to a lawyer to sue someone who he thought did it. When the jury reached their decision he was not happy.

He lost his case!
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"Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet!

- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.
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What do horses say when their food gets stolen?

Hay come back!
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Nintendo recently found a truck that was stolen in 2015 and all the Wii games were still in the trailer.

They released them for sale at only $59.99.
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Somebody has stolen one of my Mr Men books.

I'm absolutely fuming and have vowed revenge... No more Mr Nice Guy.
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Brazilian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell...

There, he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another...
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Limbo stick stolen.

How low can you go?
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All the urinals have been stolen from the local police department

The police say they have nothing to go on.

(Source: Mother Goose & Grimm comic strip)
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Time (stolen from a friend)

"Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective"
"
"You're still bloody late" replied my boss
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How do you keep a violin from being stolen?

Put it in a viola case.
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