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A man gets on a bus, with both his front pants pockets filled with golf balls

He sit's down next to a beautiful blonde woman.


The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he turns to her & says, “It's golf balls.”

The blonde looked at him compassionately and said: ...

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?

So they can run their fingers through their hair.

Do you know why they give those tiny pockets on jeans?

It is for your salary.

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What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

“Some Asshole has my pen!”

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A doctor reaches into her pocket looking for a pen and instead pulls out a rectal thermometer. She says to herself ...

Damn some asshole took my pen

I have a shirt with 120 tiny pockets that fit exactly one mint each....

It's my Tic Tactical vest.

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he ask...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

Reddit is like a Hot Pocket.

It’s full of garbage and cheese.

I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans

but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited.

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

It was his life savings.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

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A man and his wife went on a weekend trip to the big city

Tired of going from shop to shop and arguing with his wife about it, he stands outside the next shop in protest.

While waiting a prostitute walks up to him and ask if he wants a quickie in the alley.

After thinking it over, he replies: "Well why the hell not. I haven't tried much in m...

What is worse than a Boy Scout in your pocket?

A Brownie in your pants.

George Michael is walking down the street with a chocolate bar in his pocket. He's gutted when he pulls it out and it has melted.

He'd been careless with his wispa

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

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Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.

The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.

"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a cocktail

The bartender spends a minute measuring and pouring ingredients, and when he’s done he takes a spoon out of his shirt pocket, stirs the drink, and hands it to the guy.

The guy takes a sip and then asks the bartender: “do you always carry a spoon in your shirt pocket?”

The bartender rep...

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A man arrives home at his local airport...

He hails the first taxi off the rank and says "how much out to the suburbs?"

"Sixty bucks" comes the reply.

"I've only got twenty in my pocket. When we get to my house, I'll give you the difference plus a big tip." says the traveller

"Nope" Says the cabbie firmly.

The nex...

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Warning about pick pockets

At the local supermarket, two young women are standing at the parking lot exit, asking for a lift.

Shortly after leaving the parking lot, they will start undressing each other and making out, before one of them offers to give you a blow job, while the other steals your wallet.

It happe...

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I started carrying mistletoe in my pocket...

....so everyone can kiss my ass.

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Its Friday after work and Joe's co-worker wants to go get some beers.

"No way" says Joe. "Last time I came home drunk, my wife was so upset she said she would leave me if I ever get wasted again."

"Cmon" says the co-worker. "Drinks are on me" And after a little more coercing, Joe finally gives in and goes out drinking with his buddy.

They stay until ...

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

A homeless guy asked me for some money today

I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill. "Do I really want this money going to drugs?", I thought to myself. "Nah." So I gave him the $20.

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

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Social Security Application

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” ...

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

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A nurse goes to make a note on a chart, but when she reaches into her pocket, she pulls out a rectal thermometer.

Annoyed, she mutters to herself, "dammit, some asshole has got my pen."

Three billionaires are out golfing together

Suddenly, a ringing sound is heard. The first of the three pulls an earpiece out of his pocket and takes a call. When finished, he brags to the others about how fancy it is.

After some time, another phone starts ringing. The second man starts talking seemingly into this air. When asked, he ex...

A man’s wife tells him if he comes home drunk one more time she’ll divorce him.

Later that night he’s at the pub and gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt.

“Oh no! I’m in big trouble now. My wife said she’ll divorce me if i come home drunk again!”

His friend tells him not to worry. “Just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket, and when she sees yo...

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The Motorcycle

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it ...

An American and Mexican business men talk about getting rich

There is a conference in DC and a Mexican and American guy meet and talk about highway infrastructure projects. The American invites the Mexican to his home. They show up in a Cadillac where the American invites him inside and they go up to the second story balcony. He points below and says, see tha...

I usually put my smartphone in my back pocket

now I’m a smart ass

A young boy decides he would like more pocket money

so he comes up with a plan of helping people carry their groceries to the car for a small service fee.

He goes to the closest supermarket and asks every person that comes out if they would need help. Some people agree and give him his money, some people say they don't need help.

A lit...

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

My father in law told me

When he was a kid they were so poor, his dad would cut holes in their pockets so they'd have something to play with.

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess!"

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, ...

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The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

DEA Officer at my farm

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear...

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.” The old gentleman says, “Well, you go righ...

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The Hamster and the Frog

A shabby-looking man walks into an upscale bar full of businessmen and orders a Scotch. The bartender looks him over and says, "Sir, I don't believe you can afford the drinks at this establishment. May I ask that you go somewhere else?"
The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "You're right. I do...

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Man thinks his wife cheats on him when he's at work...

He can't afford cameras, and he aint the brightest guy around, so he thinks a parrot will do the trick. He'll watch what's going on in the house when the man's away and tell him when he gets back.



He goes to a store and explains the situation.

\-I got a great selection of parro...

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"

Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"

Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with al...

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A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole.

A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole full of sewage.

He starts cursing and storms out of the outhouse.

His buddy looks at him and asks “what’s wrong? What happened??”

“Well I was in there taking a dump and ...

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a big orange head sitting alone in the corner.

He walks up to the barman and asks: "What's with that guy over there with the big orange head?"

The barman replies: "Buy him a drink and he might tell you his story"

So the man buys two drinks and walks over to the man with the big orange head sitting in the corner. He sits at his tabl...

Tipsy Passenger

John had a few drinks and was traveling on a train. The ticket checker stopped and asked John to show his ticket. John was searching his pockets and wallet.
The ticket checker said "it's alright, you seem to be a respectable gentleman. No need to show your ticket."
John insisted "I need the t...

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Doctor breaking the news

A patient is at the doctors office, it is the end of his appointment and he is discussing the results with his doctor. The doctor says: “Why don’t you go downstairs to the vending machine and buy yourself a drink on me, this next bit of news might be tough to hear.” The doctor rummages around his po...

They say smoking cigarettes can be expensive. I learnt it the hard way

Just the other day I ended up burning a hole in my pockets.

The waiter had a spoon in his pocket

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw t...

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An oldie I haven't seen here yet...

So this lady is driving along when BAM one of her tyres gets a puncture so she pulls over to the side of the road. She takes off the wheel with the flat tyre so she can change to her spare, but just as she takes it off a big dog runs past and knocks all 4 lug nuts down a nearby drain.

As she ...

Little Johnny learns additions in school.

Teacher: "Johnny, what is 3 plus 4?"

Johnny starts counting his finders: "One, two, three... four, five, six, seven. Seven Miss!"

Teacher: "Correct Johnny, but you need to learn doing additions without counting on your fingers. Put your hand in your pockets."

Johnny proceeds wit...

[LONG] A Man walks into a bar.

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

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A condom joke

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.


Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.


The pharmac...

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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

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I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.


“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.


The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.


“How mu...

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Two guys in a Learjet

Two guys in a Learjet are crossing the Rocky Mountains when the engines fail and the plane is going to crash.

As they are falling to their certain death, the pilot calmly reaches to his pocket and pulls out a shiny pink lipstick. He puts the lipstick on, then tears the steering wheel out of t...

What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

Man walks around with a dead fish in his pocket instead of wearing a mask

In thier community almost all of them caught the virus and this guy never did. The community head was curious and invited him to learn his secret and to talk to him as the smell was harassing this community.
Man came to the head's with the dead fish in pocket.

Man: I will talk to you only...

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."


Nevertheless, ...

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Little/Big Johnny and the Lady

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers.

He knocks on a door, a lady answers, takes a newspaper, and Johnny says: "Collecting... that'll be five dollars please.”
She says "I'm a little short on cash but if you want I'll give you sex instead...?"
Johnny says "All right.”

He...

An Irish man, an English man and a Scottish man go to a church

An Irish man, an English man and a Scottish man are walking down the street. The Irish man lights a cigarette, and just as he lights it the English man says "look there's a nice church over there, lets go in and see it". The Irish man annoyed says "fine lets go", puts out his cigarette and puts it i...

They make wrist watches, and pocket watches. I finally figured out why they don't make belt buckle watches:

It's a waist of time.

Exam By Chance

A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true false questions.

The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey for himself and one for his best friend

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey for himself and one for his best friend

The bartender, seeing only 1 guy, asks, "Do you want me to wait until he gets here?"

The guy says, "Oh, he's right here." Then reaches into his pocket and pulls a 6 inch (150mm) guy out and sets...

Being rich is not easy

Yesterday I donated my phone and wallet to a poor guy. You can't imagine the happiness that I felt as I saw him putting the gun back in his pocket. KINDNESS IS EVERYTHING!

I've written a musical about a band of London pick-pockets set in modern times...

It's basically Oliver! with a twist.

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Jesus walks into a Hotel

then he goes up to the guy at the counter

GuyAtTheCounter: hello sir, how may i help you?

Jesus: I need a room for the night.

GuyAtTheCounter: ok sir, that’ll be... $100

Jesus then reaches into his pocket, pulls out: $100 and a handful of Rusty Nails

GuyAtTheCounte...

Monica Lewinsky and Hillary Clinton bump into each other at a party.

A dollar falls out of Monica's pocket. Hillary picks it up and says, "that's the second Bill we've shared."

I started out with $20 in my pocket, and if i had a dollar for everytime someone told me I'd be a huge success...

I'd have $5, the antidepressants cost fifteen

A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home...

As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.

"Tennis ball" the man said.

"Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!"

Two old guys are working at a sewage treatment plant

One guy goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake.

"What are you doing?!" he yells

"My coat fell in" his buddy yells back

"You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!"

"No, no. Gosh no, I'm not going to wear ...

A foolish man complains about his torn pockets

A wise man uses them to scratch his balls.

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

Heard about the dwarf that got his pocket picked

How could anyone stoop so low

As two kids left the store, one of them suddenly realized that they had put something in there pocket.

It was a toy from Disney's The Jungle Book. One of them wanted to just confess to it. but the other said.



Confess!? Are you out of your mind? Do you know what they do to people like us? Were not talking about some dumb mail-fraud scheme or hijacking here...



WE STOLE A B...

How do you steal from a fence?

You picket's pockets

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

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I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer.

“Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”

A man is sitting in a train

and watches the guy on the other side of the aisle take an apple out of his pocket, cutting it open, picking out the seeds and chewing them.

“Why are you chewing the seeds?”
“They make me smarter”
“Really? Could I have some?”
“Sure, dollar a piece”

The man agrees and gets thr...

What do I have if I have $15 in one pocket and $20 in the other

Somebody else’s pants on

A man is walking through the woods and comes across a talking frog ...

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a princess," the frog tells him.

The man picks the frog up and puts her in his pocket.

"Wait, wait, aren't you going to kiss me?" asks the frog. "I'm a princess!"

The man shrugs. "I'd rather have a talking frog."

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Little Johnny is really smart

He was in elementary school but should skip a few classes and gets tested. He comes in front of the principal and his teacher asks him

T: Johnny, what does the cow have four of, and the woman has 2?

J: Legs!

T: Good. And where do women have curly hair?

J: Africa!

T...

Guy is rolling down the sidewalk in a desk chair

He has a laptop under one arm, a phone under the other. A portable printer on his lap. He has a small wastepaper basket on his head. A swingline stapler in his shirt pocket

Cop spots him and says "what do you think you are doing?"

"Impersonating an office, sir."

The devoted wife

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.

When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came out of coma, he motioned for her to come closer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? Y...

Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket?

Or are you just happy to be within six feet of me?

TIFU - I made a bad decision and now I can't get my laptop fixed.

FYI This is a story from last year, not today.

So I had a laptop that was playing up. The screen kept going all janky. One day there was a popping noise and a smell of burning plastic, so I thought that was enough and I contacted the service department.

I found out they had an office...

Stranded on Deserted Island for 10 years

One day a man who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there e...

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I’ve been jerking off so much I bought a pocket pussy.

Things are really getting out of hand.

Two momma kangaroos were talking.

ROO # 1 : "Oh, you look so good in that outfit."

ROO # 2 : "Thanks! It even has a pocket!"

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Doctor walks into a bank to make a deposit....

Teller says, “Can you sign the deposit slip please?”.

Doctor reaches into his pocket and brings out a rectal thermometer. He looks at it and then shakes his head. “Aw crap” he says, “some asshole’s got my pen!”

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The Fly

There was a fly flying six inches above the river. There was a fish in the river that said if that fly drops six inches I’ll have my dinner.

There was a bear at the river, and the bear said if that fly drops six inches the fish will get the fly I can get the fish, and I’ll have my dinner....

Three "facts" school taught me that turned out to be false

1. Pluto is a planet
2. You won't always have a calculator in your pocket
3. Girls don't like having their hair pulled

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them

As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear: "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.

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They say that a man who keeps his hands in his pockets...

Feels cocky all day.

A man who has just finished installing a carpet into a house decides to have a smoke.

He reaches into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, but it isn't there. He looks at the room he has just carpeted and sees a lump under the carpet.

"I'm not tearing up the carpet I just laid out for a dumb pack of cigarettes," thinks the man. So he goes to the lump in the carpet and squish...

10 years ago I would've brought home eggs, bread, cigarettes and milk from the supermarket with just 5€ in my pocket.

But today they have surveillance cameras everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man was walking down the street

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog.
They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic.

The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the do...

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A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter.

The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender.

He asks, "What's the deal with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar."

"What ar...

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus

The bartender, upon seeing the octopus, says "hey hey hey I run a respectable establishment here, no cephalopods allowed!"

The owner of the octopus says "no, wait, this is the most amazing octopus in the world, it can play any musical instrument known to man."

As fate would have it, th...

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Three men are on a train

One is Chinese, one is American, and the last one is an Indian businessman. A fly came into their compartment and landed on the Chinese guy. He goes into his pocket, pulls out a pair of chopsticks, grabs the fly and eats it. The American guy is horrified and looks at the Indian, who couldn’t care le...

Did you hear about the grocery store employee who poured a bunch of spices into his pockets?

They fired him for thyme theft

Jeffery Dahmer is in his kitchen, using his blender...

... when his phone goes off in his pocket. It was a notification from the CDC:

"The public is still advised to avoid direct contact from others through cordial gestures during this pandemic, such as hugs or ***handshakes.*** "

"Awwwwww..." Jeffery mopes, as he turns off his blender.

I dinna do it ! Said the drunk man

An Irishman was drinking in a bar. He starts to get up and throws up on a shirt.

" oh no ! Now we wife is gonna know I drank to much"

Guy next to him says "nah your okay. Here's what you do. Put a fiver in your pocket and throw the shirt on the laundry pile. When your wife finds it te...

A colon can really change the meaning of a sentence

"The marbles fell out of my pocket."
Vs
"The marbles fell out of my colon."

On my first day of work as a zoo keeper I noticed one of my male coworkers had a bulge in his pants. I asked him...

"Is that a small monkey in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

He said "Yeah, it's Macaque"

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first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”

Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”
Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situa...

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An older man fancied a young women he met.

The gentleman met the women and tried every trick in the book to get her to sleep with him, except the direct approach as she was so young and he was so married.

After some time she suddnly asked him "Are you trying to get me into bed?". Before the man could response she said "I would be hap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

The Pianist

A man walked into a bar and from his pocket he pulled a tiny piano and a tiny seat. He set these on the counter. Then from his other pocket he pulled a tiny man. The tiny man sat at the piano and began playing. People in the bar gathered around with amazement.

The bartender says, “where did ...

Is this a zucchini in my pocket, or am I...

...(username)

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