The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

Did you know some bikers keep a little jar of vaseline in their pocket to protect their bike seat from the rain?

A biker was doing a big ride through a low dense inhabitated country. After a long drive not seeing a single person his bike breaks down. He starts pushing it and after a few hours of pushing it he stumbles across a single farmhouse in the distance.
He knocks on the door and the farmer opens. "W...

Why do bald men have holes in their pockets?

So they can run their fingers through their hair.

Do you know why they give those tiny pockets on jeans?

It is for your salary.

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A man gets on a bus, with both his front pants pockets filled with golf balls

He sit's down next to a beautiful blonde woman.


The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he turns to her & says, “It's golf balls.”

The blonde looked at him compassionately and said: ...

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A doctor reaches into her pocket looking for a pen and instead pulls out a rectal thermometer. She says to herself ...

Damn some asshole took my pen

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

I have a shirt with 120 tiny pockets that fit exactly one mint each....

It's my Tic Tactical vest.

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What's the difference between a porn addict and a pickpocket?

One snatches watches.

What kind of bull has special pockets for his balls?

A pool-tay bull.

Joe Biden, Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson had a near death experience together.

They met God and his closest angels, who told them that their time wasn’t up yet but that each of them could ask one question.

Biden went first. He asked "God, when will the Coronavirus pandemic end?" God made a sign to his angels. They went away and after 30 seconds they came back and whisp...

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I saw a homeless guy telling people dirty jokes for a dollar

So I went up to him and gave him a dollar. He happily pocketed the dollar and said “you see that white cat over there, how many teeth does it have?”

So I said “ I don’t know….”

He said “ how many hairs does it have?”

I again replied saying I didn’t know.

He then said to...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he ask...

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

It was his life savings.

Reddit is like a Hot Pocket.

It’s full of garbage and cheese.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.
...

I was excited to find $20 in the back pocket of an old pair of jeans

but the guy wearing them didn’t seem as excited.

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Old pocket watch stopps to work and needs a repairservice.

When a old men had given his watch to the watchmaker for a service and the guy tells him that a cockroach is in there witch stoped the clock. The old men answers: Oh yes i understand the operater is dead, so the watch cant work anymore. Did you have spare roaches?

How do you know when it’s really cold in Washington DC?

Politicians put their hands in their own pockets.

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

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Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar

They all sit on stools at the counter, and the bartender comes to serve them right away.


"What will it be gentlemen?"


The first Vampire asks for a half pint of blood, and after getting his, takes a sip and smiles wide, flashing his white fangs.


"What'll it be to you ...

What is worse than a Boy Scout in your pocket?

A Brownie in your pants.

Respect my authoritahh!!!

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mis...

Einstein was once travelling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger.

When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn’t find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn’t there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn’t find it.

The conductor said, “Dr. Ein...

KGB Joke. Because we don’t have enough Soviet era humor

Natasha is walking down street in Moscow and sees KGB friend Boris walking toward her.

Natasha says, “Is that gun in pocket or are you just happy to see me.”

Shot rings out and Natasha falls dead on street.

Was gun.

Understanding Engineers

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princes...

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A man walks happily into a car dealership with an emu.

A salesman walks up to the man and asks, "Can I help you?" The man replies, "I would like to buy your most expensive car." Humoring the man with the emu, the salesman leads him over to a Bentley and says, "This model costs 204,572.99 dollars." Without missing a beat, the man reaches into his pocket ...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

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Warning about pick pockets

At the local supermarket, two young women are standing at the parking lot exit, asking for a lift.

Shortly after leaving the parking lot, they will start undressing each other and making out, before one of them offers to give you a blow job, while the other steals your wallet.

It happe...

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Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.

The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.

"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do...

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I started carrying mistletoe in my pocket...

....so everyone can kiss my ass.

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

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Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station

in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"

Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.

"What are those?"

Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting m...

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3 men die on Christmas morning...

Three men die on Christmas morning. They end up in front of the pearly gates and Saint Peter, even though none of them ever expected it.

Peter says "You guys drink, smoke and womanize. You shouldn't be getting into heaven. However, it's Christmas and I'm feeling festive. If you can each show ...

The kids saw a hot-dog stand

They went near it and their stomach already started to rumble. There was not a single penny in their pockets. The boy said, "What are we gonna do?", which the girl replied," Lets just take a quick smell". And they both took a deep breath

Suddenly the vendor emerged and shouted at the kids, "W...

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The ma...

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A man and his wife went on a weekend trip to the big city

Tired of going from shop to shop and arguing with his wife about it, he stands outside the next shop in protest.

While waiting a prostitute walks up to him and ask if he wants a quickie in the alley.

After thinking it over, he replies: "Well why the hell not. I haven't tried much in m...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a cocktail

The bartender spends a minute measuring and pouring ingredients, and when he’s done he takes a spoon out of his shirt pocket, stirs the drink, and hands it to the guy.

The guy takes a sip and then asks the bartender: “do you always carry a spoon in your shirt pocket?”

The bartender rep...

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A man arrives home at his local airport...

He hails the first taxi off the rank and says "how much out to the suburbs?"

"Sixty bucks" comes the reply.

"I've only got twenty in my pocket. When we get to my house, I'll give you the difference plus a big tip." says the traveller

"Nope" Says the cabbie firmly.

The nex...

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A nurse goes to make a note on a chart, but when she reaches into her pocket, she pulls out a rectal thermometer.

Annoyed, she mutters to herself, "dammit, some asshole has got my pen."

Double punchline Buddhist joke.

A Buddhist monk is walking through New York and sees a hot dog cart, he walks up and the vendor asks him what he wants. The monk replies:

“Make me one with everything.”

The vendor obliges and after handing over the hot dog tells him his total is $3.50. The monk gets out $5 and hands i...

Went to a rock concert awhile ago…

Pre-COVID of course, and it was absolutely jam-packed, people standing shoulder to shoulder, just enjoying the music. My friend standing next to me turned his head slightly
and said : totally awesome concert but I’m needing to go toilet and it’s so busy what am I gonna do?

I replied: pee ...

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Little mouse runs up to mama mouse

- Mommy, mommy, I've got a new boyfriend, take a look-see!
She reaches into her mouse-pocket and takes out her mouse-wallet in which she has stuck a photo.
- Oh dear, I don't want to disappoint you but it looks like an ordinary bat! - says mama mouse. Little mouse bursts in tears.
- That ba...

Finders keepers

I found $10 in a pants pocket today.
It was a little awkward, since someone was still wearing the pants...

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All in a night’s work

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says ...

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot

Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another one.

After he finishes, he looks into his pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious and asks the man why he looks into his pocket before ordering each shot.

The man replies, “I have a picture of my w...

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A banker down on his luck has decided to end it all

A young banker is standing on a tree limb with a rope around his neck, ready to end it all. He sees movement to his side and an ugly old woman comes from the brush, calling for him to stop.

“Stop! Why would a young man like yourself be doing such a thing?”

“My life is ruined!” He resp...

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The dishes

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and asks th...

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

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Its Friday after work and Joe's co-worker wants to go get some beers.

"No way" says Joe. "Last time I came home drunk, my wife was so upset she said she would leave me if I ever get wasted again."

"Cmon" says the co-worker. "Drinks are on me" And after a little more coercing, Joe finally gives in and goes out drinking with his buddy.

They stay until ...

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The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

I usually put my smartphone in my back pocket

now I’m a smart ass

A man's son is about to return from prison.

A man's son is about to return from prison. After spending five years in the clink, the man was very curious to know what his son plans to do further in life and what profession he's going to choose for his future. He decides to test his son. He sets a bottle of alcohol, a wad of money, a gun and a ...

Christmas Symbols

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It...

2 lawyers were stood in a queue at a bank. As they were chatting, some masked robbers came in to the bank and demanded everyone hands over their wallets.

The first lawyer calmly takes his wallet out of his pocket, takes $1000 out of his wallet and hands it to the second lawyer and says “here you go, this is that $1000 I owe you”

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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

A young boy decides he would like more pocket money

so he comes up with a plan of helping people carry their groceries to the car for a small service fee.

He goes to the closest supermarket and asks every person that comes out if they would need help. Some people agree and give him his money, some people say they don't need help.

A lit...

Women don't ever have to worry about me trying to get into their pants.

They don't even have any pockets! Where would I keep my hackey sack and MTG cards?

Honest Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, *HONEST* Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So", the Judge said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

"You, attorney David, gave me $50000 and you, attorney Goliath, gave me $6000...

The waiter had a spoon in his pocket

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw t...

A homeless guy asked me for some money today

I looked in my pocket and all I had was a $20 bill. "Do I really want this money going to drugs?", I thought to myself. "Nah." So I gave him the $20.

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A Japanese, a German and a Chinese are sitting on a park bench

they start to talk and gets an urge to brag.
First the Japanese takes a pen out of his pocket and dismantles it, then shows it's body and says 'We made this'
the German takes out refill and says 'We made this'
the Chinese takes them and reassembles them, then takes a small marker and writes...

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers…..

the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter, "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

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A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole.

A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole full of sewage.

He starts cursing and storms out of the outhouse.

His buddy looks at him and asks “what’s wrong? What happened??”

“Well I was in there taking a dump and ...

A politician visits a remote village to garner some votes. He gathers a group of villagers and ask what problems they face.

One guy says crying "sir, we have not had water for months, our crops are dying, we are suffering"

On hearing this the politician takes out his phone and talks into it. "I want all the fields washed with water poured from helicopters." He puts the phone back in his pocket and asks " Ok, what...

Mental hospital

The doctor is having a test on his patients to see if they are already fit to go back on their normal lives.

So the doctor drew an imaginary door using crayons on a big wall to see if the patients can distinguish a real door or not.

Then the doctor said "Who wants to go outside?" point...

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From an old cowboy who frequents my watering hole (hopefully not too country for y'all)

A woman from New York dreams of one day exploring the wild west. After a year of saving and pinching pennies she finally has enough money to make her dreams come true.

After an exciting three weeks she returns home and meets with her girlfriend for drinks.

Her girlfriend asks "How wa...

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."


Nevertheless, ...

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The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all...

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Open Season on Nerds

This truck driver was driving through the Silicon Valley. He decides he needs a cup of coffee so he pulls into this truck stop. As he goes in the door he sees a sign that says "No Nerds will be served." He sits down at the bar, and the bartender comes over to him. The truck driver says, "I'll have a...

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

A man goes into a church

He kneels down and starts praying like he's been doing for many years.

Man: Dear God, I've never asked for much and I've been devoted to you all my life. I'm your humble servant and I have a question.

The church starts trembling, the walls are shaking when a deep voice arises.

G...

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

Man walks around with a dead fish in his pocket instead of wearing a mask

In thier community almost all of them caught the virus and this guy never did. The community head was curious and invited him to learn his secret and to talk to him as the smell was harassing this community.
Man came to the head's with the dead fish in pocket.

Man: I will talk to you only...

They make wrist watches, and pocket watches. I finally figured out why they don't make belt buckle watches:

It's a waist of time.

A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home...

As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.

"Tennis ball" the man said.

"Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!"

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Grandpa gets served.

Little Tommy sat on the porch with his grandpa while visiting last Summer. Grandpa tells Tommy to fetch him another beer from the ice chest Tommy was sitting on. Tommy hands over the beer and asks "May I have a beer too grandpa?" Grandpa looks Tommy up and down and replies " IDK son, can you dick re...

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Two beggars

It is Easter Sunday in front of Saint Sophia’s Cathedral in Constantinople sometime during the Crusades.

Two beggars are sitting in front of the cathedral.

One is wearing a tattered suit of armor and is covered in bandages. In front of him is a sign: “Give Alms to a poor Crusader who ...

Did you hear about the big winter storm in New York?

It got so cold that bankers were walking around with their hands in their own pockets.

I started out with $20 in my pocket, and if i had a dollar for everytime someone told me I'd be a huge success...

I'd have $5, the antidepressants cost fifteen

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Social Security Application

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” ...

Three billionaires are out golfing together

Suddenly, a ringing sound is heard. The first of the three pulls an earpiece out of his pocket and takes a call. When finished, he brags to the others about how fancy it is.

After some time, another phone starts ringing. The second man starts talking seemingly into this air. When asked, he ex...

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Pianist

A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar, and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink.

The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you fin...

I've written a musical about a band of London pick-pockets set in modern times...

It's basically Oliver! with a twist.

A foolish man complains about his torn pockets

A wise man uses them to scratch his balls.

Mulla Nasruddin, having said his Friday prayers, was exiting the mosque.

And when you stepped out of the mosque and into the street, you could be sure you would come across a beggar or two. Some were so regular that they were almost glued to their chosen spots. Mulla Nasruddin knew that this was a good place for them to be. After all, people came out from their prayers f...

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.” The old gentleman says, “Well, you go righ...

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed

How could anyone stoop so low?

My father in law told me

When he was a kid they were so poor, his dad would cut holes in their pockets so they'd have something to play with.

An American and Mexican business men talk about getting rich

There is a conference in DC and a Mexican and American guy meet and talk about highway infrastructure projects. The American invites the Mexican to his home. They show up in a Cadillac where the American invites him inside and they go up to the second story balcony. He points below and says, see tha...

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I had a health form for my doctor to fill out today. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an old mercury thermometer.

“Shit,” he said. “Some asshole has my pen!”

A man’s wife tells him if he comes home drunk one more time she’ll divorce him.

Later that night he’s at the pub and gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt.

“Oh no! I’m in big trouble now. My wife said she’ll divorce me if i come home drunk again!”

His friend tells him not to worry. “Just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket, and when she sees yo...

What do I have if I have $15 in one pocket and $20 in the other

Somebody else’s pants on

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket?

Or are you just happy to be within six feet of me?

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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

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I’ve been jerking off so much I bought a pocket pussy.

Things are really getting out of hand.

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

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The Hamster and the Frog

A shabby-looking man walks into an upscale bar full of businessmen and orders a Scotch. The bartender looks him over and says, "Sir, I don't believe you can afford the drinks at this establishment. May I ask that you go somewhere else?"
The man shrugs his shoulders and says, "You're right. I do...

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I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.


“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.


The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.


“How mu...

A poor man, a well off middle class man, and an extremely wealthy man in the 1% find themselves at the same event. The poor man and middle class man run into the wealthy man when they find out there's complimentary donuts and arrive to see him wrapping up 10 of the last 12 donuts and pocketing them

As the wealthy man is leaving he walks up to the middle class guy, motions to the poor man and whispers in his ear: "watch out, he's trying to take your donut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that a man who keeps his hands in his pockets...

Feels cocky all day.

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

A magician performs magic tricks on the Titanic before it sinks.

In the crowd there is a parrot that somehow always knows whats going on.
He pulls a string of hankerchiefs out of his sleeve: "AWCK, he pulls it from his inner pocket!"
He pulls a rabbit out of a hat: "AWCK, A false bottom!"
He saws a girl in half: "AWCK, there are two girls!"
<...

10 years ago I would've brought home eggs, bread, cigarettes and milk from the supermarket with just 5€ in my pocket.

But today they have surveillance cameras everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

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