There's something a lot of girls want, that guys have below their waist. It starts with p and ends with s

Pockets

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse takes a rectal thermometer from her pocket.

She says: "Some asshole has my pen!"

Man, it's so cold outside..

I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I accidentally dropped my pocket pussy as I was walking home the other day.

Unfortunately, a policeman saw me and gave me a $350 fine for clittering.

A man walks into a bar.....

he goes to the barman and asks "if I show you something amazing would you give me a free drink"?
The barman obliges. The man pulls out of his pocket a little piano along with a little woman. Then all of a sudden the little womman plays Beethoven 3rd symphony perfectly.

The barman astonishe...

A young banker decided to get a tailor-made suit.

So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in th...

What’s the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

Is that a zucchini in your pocket?

Or are you Giuseppe Toussimi?

Why was the limbo dancer shocked when his wallet was stolen right out of his back pocket?

Because he didn’t think anyone could stoop so low.

My overweight uncle spend months making a belt out of used pocket watches.

When he finished it, he realized it was a huge waist of time.

How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?

Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.

I accidentally left a dollar in my pants pocket, and it went through the washer and dryer.

I hope the police don't find out about my money laundering scheme...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An office worker reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a dildo. Sighing, he says:

"Some cunt's got my pen"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse checks her coat pocket...

but instead of finding her pen, finds a rectal thermometer. "Fuck!" she exclaims. "That asshole has my pen!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a restaurant, one of the diners notices that the waiter carries a teaspoon in the pocket of his jacket

He looks at the other waiters and sees that all of them carry teaspoons in the pocket of their jackets. He asks the waiter about it:

"Excuse me, could you tell me why do you carry a teaspoon in your pocket?"

"Well, it has been shown that the teaspoons are the piece which falls most oft...

I like leaving receipts in my pockets

It reminds me of when I had money.

Why don't monkeys wear pocket watches?

It's because they don't wear pants

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk is sitting with his pals and he pukes on his trouser leg. He tells his pals that his wife will lose her mind If he comes home like this and one of them says “put $20 in your top pocket and tell her a stranger puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning.”

“Brilliant!” says the drunk, heading out. When he gets home, his wife says “Look at the state of you!” and he says, “Not to worry, a drunk puked on me and have me $20 for dry cleaning, it’s in my top pocket.”

She fishes out $40 and stares at him for a few and then says “there is $40 here...”<...

A man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a pint. After he finishes , he peeks inside his shirt's pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another pint.

After he finishes, he again peeks inside his shirt's pocket and orders the bartender to bring another pint. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' drinks all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt's pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm pe...

Why didn't Spider-Man design a costume with pockets for his wallet?

Because his Spidey Cents was always tingling

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

My dad used to let me put my pocket money in a locked box under the stairs.

I was 15 before I realised it was the electric meter!

A dwarf was upset someone picked his pocket

He said, " How could someone stoop so low"

Why do bald guys have holes in their pockets?

To run their fingers through their hair.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed

How could anyone stoop so low?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde is on the bus when this guy gets on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to her. The confused blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets...

He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, “It’s golf balls.”

Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, she can’t contain her curiosity any more...

Last night I went to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"

He explained, "The boss hired Accenture Consulting to re-engineer our processes. They discovered the spoon was the most frequently dropped ...

When I was a kid, we were so poor, if I hadn't had holes in my pants pockets........

I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Why did the magician keep candy bars in his arm pockets?

He always liked to have a few Twix up his sleeve.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman walks into a pub with an ostrich and a talking cat...

He goes to the barkeep and orders a beer. The bartender says "That'll be £1.50"
The man looks over to the cat, who scoffs and says, "I ain't paying for that shit!"
The man sighs, reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £1.50 and hands it to the bartender.
The bartender finds this odd...

Someone asked why I keep a bunch of cheese in my pocket

I said it’s there in queso emergency

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket.

He does this over and over again.

Finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks
into his pocket.

The man responded " I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts
to look good then i'll go home."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I know this very wealthy cracker ass cracker. His pockets are just loaded with cheddar. His ignant ass always yelling...

I’M RITZ, BITS!

I don't keep my wallet in my back pocket.

It's a pain in the ass.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and pulls a minuscule person out of his pocket

They sit at one of the tables, waiting for a friend of theirs. Meanwhile, they order drinks: a whisky for the man, and a thimble of whisky for Peter, his minuscule friend.
The person they were waiting for arrives, and they start talking about the pair's last travel:
-The landscapes in Keny...

Pockets...

If you put a hole in your pants pocket, it just becomes a jack-it pocket.

I'm the kind of guy that knows what every woman really wants

Pockets. Women want fully functional pockets.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the man rip the skin off a banana then wrap it around his dick and use it as a pocket pussy?

Because it had sex-a-peel

A guy takes a shot at a bar and looks in his shirt pocket

A guy takes a shot at a bar and looks in his shirt pocket. He calls the bartender over and asks for another shot. Again, he downs the shot and looks back in his pocket.

He continues to do this and the bartender finally says, “Every time I️ pour you a shot, you down it, look in your pocket a...

Boudreaux picked Thibodeaux up for work every morning. One morning Thibodeaux didn't answer so Boudreaux left with out him. On his way out, he noticed Thibodeaux out in his cow pasture just standing there with his hands in his pockets.

On his way home from work Thibodeaux was in the same spot. Boudreaux didn't think much of it until the next morning. Thibodeaux didn't answer again so he went on down and there he was still in the middle of the pasture. This got the best of Boudreaux so he stopped to see what had gotten into his fri...

I told my blonde coworker that if she could guess how many dollars were in my pocket, I'd give her both of them...

She said "3."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

Bob is pulled over by the police. A bag of drugs is found in his pocket.

Cop: Sir, do you know it's illegal to have drugs in your possession?

Bob: I'm sorry officer, but it's not my fault. I've tried numerous times to get rid of the drugs, but every time I flush them down the toilet, they always reappear in my pocket.

Cop: Ha, very funny. *proceeds to plac...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

&#x200B;

So the man a...

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.

- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse pulled a suppository out of her pocket

And said "SHIT! Some arsehole has got my pen"

I found these drugs in your pocket, what do you have to say for yourself?

Officer: I found these pills in your pocket.

Suspect: Officer I swear, I don't know how they got there. Every time I flush them down the toilet, they end up in my pocket.

Officer: Yeah right.

Suspect: Officer, I swear, every time I flush them down the toilet, they end up in my p...

A math teacher asks a kindergartener: "Tommy, if you have a nickel in one pocket, and a quarter in the other, what do you have?"

"someone else's pants"

He who stands with hands in pockets feels foolish

He who stands with holes in pockets feels nuts

A guy goes in to a brothel with only a few pennies in his pocket...

He walks up to the Madame and handing her the coins asks "Who can I get for this?". Taking the money the Madame says "Go see the girl in room 23."

Walking up the stairs the guy thinks "What kind of monster am I gonna find for such little money??".

But as he enters the room he see a gor...

A man goes into a restaurant with an ostrich

They sit down and order:

'I'd like a hamburger, fries and a Coke,' says the man, then turns towards the ostrich. 'And you?'

'The same', says the ostrich.

A few minutes later, the waitress brings the food and the bill.

'$6.40,' she says.

The man takes out the exact ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife asked "Can you explain why I just found some crotchless panties in your jacket pocket?"

I said "It's because you're a nosey cunt."

I don’t see the point of a pocket calculator.

Who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?

My friend, who noticed a bulge in my pocket says "What's that"?

I said "Golf ball". He says "Oh man, that must hurt! I had tennis elbow once."

So a guy walks into bar and reaches into his pocket...

From his pocket, he produces a very small grand piano. A moment later, he produces a 1ft tall man from his other pocket and places him down next to the piano. The little man immediately sits down and begins to play the piano, and remarkably well at that. The bar patrons are amazed and one of them ap...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

&#x200B;

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

&#x200B;

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, ...

Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket.

Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

A guy buys the new Iphone 8 , He puts it in his back pocket when he hears a crack

I hope that was my spine he said.

I stuck my hand in my pocket and my pencil stabbed me

Thankfully it didn't draw blood

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A waiter has a spoon tied to his pocket.

At a resturant a waiter has a spoon tied to his right pocket with a small rope.

One of the costumers asked him what is the purpose of this spoon?

The waiter said that he uses the spoon to align eating utensils, that way he doesnt touch them with his hands.

The costumer then a...

You know you're fat when you take change out of your pocket ...

then realize you're naked.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.

There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon