A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

A policeman catches a man with some weed in his pocket

"You're going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!" the policeman stated.

"But officer, this weed isn't mine. It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet." the man replied.

"Oh, really? This I gotta see. If you can prove it, you're free to go!" the p...

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A nurse reaches into her pocket

and pulls out a rectal thermometer.

"Oh, great. Some asshole's got my pen"

A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?". The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing

music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled...

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."


Nevertheless, ...

I finally figured out what that tiny little pocket in my jeans is there for...

It's for my salary.

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.

I was folding my pants, fresh out the drier, and found a dollar in a pocket. Jesus Christ...

How long have I been laundering money?

$2k is pocket change for me

That is until I realized I've been spelling quarters with a 'k' all my life

A man found a tennis ball while out jogging and put it in his pocket to give his dog back home...

As he stopped to wait at the traffic lights, a woman next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge in his trouser pocket.

"Tennis ball" the man said.

"Oh, that must be painful,” she replied. “I had tennis elbow once!"

To stay safe in bear country, always carry a small pocket knife and hike with a friend.

If a bear attacks, stab your friend in the leg and run.

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A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket.

But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. Since pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants an...

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Damn girl, is that a mirror in your back pocket?

Cuz that ass is flat as hell!

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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

There's something a lot of girls want, that guys have below their waist. It starts with p and ends with s

Pockets

I lost $2000 out of my back pocket...

When I got home my dad asked “whats wrong?”
I replied, “I don’t feel too grand.”

Man, it's so cold outside..

I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets

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“Back in the day,” my grandfather would say, “You could go into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and some butter as well....”

"But today, they got cameras everywhere!"

Did you hear about the kid who always kept a drawing pin in his pocket during self-defense class?

Apparently he had heard that a tack is the best form of defense.

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

Is that a zucchini in your pocket?

Or are you Giuseppe Toussimi?

How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?

Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.

I like leaving receipts in my pockets

It reminds me of when I had money.

Why was the limbo dancer shocked when his wallet was stolen right out of his back pocket?

Because he didn’t think anyone could stoop so low.

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I accidentally dropped my pocket pussy as I was walking home the other day.

Unfortunately, a policeman saw me and gave me a $350 fine for clittering.

A dwarf was upset someone picked his pocket

He said, " How could someone stoop so low"

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An office worker reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a dildo. Sighing, he says:

"Some cunt's got my pen"

A young banker decided to get a tailor-made suit.

So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in th...

A man enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a pint. After he finishes , he peeks inside his shirt's pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another pint.

After he finishes, he again peeks inside his shirt's pocket and orders the bartender to bring another pint. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' drinks all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt's pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm pe...

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A nurse checks her coat pocket...

but instead of finding her pen, finds a rectal thermometer. "Fuck!" she exclaims. "That asshole has my pen!"

My overweight uncle spend months making a belt out of used pocket watches.

When he finished it, he realized it was a huge waist of time.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed

How could anyone stoop so low?

I accidentally left a dollar in my pants pocket, and it went through the washer and dryer.

I hope the police don't find out about my money laundering scheme...

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In a restaurant, one of the diners notices that the waiter carries a teaspoon in the pocket of his jacket

He looks at the other waiters and sees that all of them carry teaspoons in the pocket of their jackets. He asks the waiter about it:

"Excuse me, could you tell me why do you carry a teaspoon in your pocket?"

"Well, it has been shown that the teaspoons are the piece which falls most oft...

Why didn't Spider-Man design a costume with pockets for his wallet?

Because his Spidey Cents was always tingling

A man walks into a bar.....

he goes to the barman and asks "if I show you something amazing would you give me a free drink"?
The barman obliges. The man pulls out of his pocket a little piano along with a little woman. Then all of a sudden the little womman plays Beethoven 3rd symphony perfectly.

The barman astonishe...

Why don't monkeys wear pocket watches?

It's because they don't wear pants

My dad always told me to always check my pants pockets before I put them in the washer, in case there was some money.

Because if you leave it there, you could be arrested for laundering money.

My dad used to let me put my pocket money in a locked box under the stairs.

I was 15 before I realised it was the electric meter!

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A drunk is sitting with his pals and he pukes on his trouser leg. He tells his pals that his wife will lose her mind If he comes home like this and one of them says “put $20 in your top pocket and tell her a stranger puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning.”

“Brilliant!” says the drunk, heading out. When he gets home, his wife says “Look at the state of you!” and he says, “Not to worry, a drunk puked on me and have me $20 for dry cleaning, it’s in my top pocket.”

She fishes out $40 and stares at him for a few and then says “there is $40 here...”<...

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An Englishman walks into a pub with an ostrich and a talking cat...

He goes to the barkeep and orders a beer. The bartender says "That'll be £1.50"
The man looks over to the cat, who scoffs and says, "I ain't paying for that shit!"
The man sighs, reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £1.50 and hands it to the bartender.
The bartender finds this odd...

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

Why do bald guys have holes in their pockets?

To run their fingers through their hair.

Someone asked why I keep a bunch of cheese in my pocket

I said it’s there in queso emergency

Why did the magician keep candy bars in his arm pockets?

He always liked to have a few Twix up his sleeve.

Last night I went to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"

He explained, "The boss hired Accenture Consulting to re-engineer our processes. They discovered the spoon was the most frequently dropped ...

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A man walks into a bar and pulls a minuscule person out of his pocket

They sit at one of the tables, waiting for a friend of theirs. Meanwhile, they order drinks: a whisky for the man, and a thimble of whisky for Peter, his minuscule friend.
The person they were waiting for arrives, and they start talking about the pair's last travel:
-The landscapes in Keny...

What do you call a man with rabbits in his pockets

Warren

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket.

He does this over and over again.

Finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks
into his pocket.

The man responded " I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts
to look good then i'll go home."

I'm the kind of guy that knows what every woman really wants

Pockets. Women want fully functional pockets.

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I know this very wealthy cracker ass cracker. His pockets are just loaded with cheddar. His ignant ass always yelling...

I’M RITZ, BITS!

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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some asshole has my pen"

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

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Why did the man rip the skin off a banana then wrap it around his dick and use it as a pocket pussy?

Because it had sex-a-peel

Bob is pulled over by the police. A bag of drugs is found in his pocket.

Cop: Sir, do you know it's illegal to have drugs in your possession?

Bob: I'm sorry officer, but it's not my fault. I've tried numerous times to get rid of the drugs, but every time I flush them down the toilet, they always reappear in my pocket.

Cop: Ha, very funny. *proceeds to plac...

A guy takes a shot at a bar and looks in his shirt pocket

A guy takes a shot at a bar and looks in his shirt pocket. He calls the bartender over and asks for another shot. Again, he downs the shot and looks back in his pocket.

He continues to do this and the bartender finally says, “Every time I️ pour you a shot, you down it, look in your pocket a...

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA.

- The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

Boudreaux picked Thibodeaux up for work every morning. One morning Thibodeaux didn't answer so Boudreaux left with out him. On his way out, he noticed Thibodeaux out in his cow pasture just standing there with his hands in his pockets.

On his way home from work Thibodeaux was in the same spot. Boudreaux didn't think much of it until the next morning. Thibodeaux didn't answer again so he went on down and there he was still in the middle of the pasture. This got the best of Boudreaux so he stopped to see what had gotten into his fri...

I found these drugs in your pocket, what do you have to say for yourself?

Officer: I found these pills in your pocket.

Suspect: Officer I swear, I don't know how they got there. Every time I flush them down the toilet, they end up in my pocket.

Officer: Yeah right.

Suspect: Officer, I swear, every time I flush them down the toilet, they end up in my p...

I told my blonde coworker that if she could guess how many dollars were in my pocket, I'd give her both of them...

She said "3."

A math teacher asks a kindergartener: "Tommy, if you have a nickel in one pocket, and a quarter in the other, what do you have?"

"someone else's pants"

A man goes into a restaurant with an ostrich

They sit down and order:

'I'd like a hamburger, fries and a Coke,' says the man, then turns towards the ostrich. 'And you?'

'The same', says the ostrich.

A few minutes later, the waitress brings the food and the bill.

'$6.40,' she says.

The man takes out the exact ...

A guy goes in to a brothel with only a few pennies in his pocket...

He walks up to the Madame and handing her the coins asks "Who can I get for this?". Taking the money the Madame says "Go see the girl in room 23."

Walking up the stairs the guy thinks "What kind of monster am I gonna find for such little money??".

But as he enters the room he see a gor...

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A nurse pulled a suppository out of her pocket

And said "SHIT! Some arsehole has got my pen"

Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pants pocket??

So he could run a hand through his hair!!!

So a guy walks into bar and reaches into his pocket...

From his pocket, he produces a very small grand piano. A moment later, he produces a 1ft tall man from his other pocket and places him down next to the piano. The little man immediately sits down and begins to play the piano, and remarkably well at that. The bar patrons are amazed and one of them ap...

He who stands with hands in pockets feels foolish

He who stands with holes in pockets feels nuts

An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replies, "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."...

I don’t see the point of a pocket calculator.

Who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?

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