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Stephen Hawking Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

How did Stephen Hawking die?

He accidentally hit alt+f4

What do you call Stephen Hawking rolling away from an explosion?

Hot wheels

(First joke, hope you like it.)

What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he’s hooked up to?

The computer runs.

A fish, a snake, and Stephen Hawking walk into a bar...

Just kidding. None of those things walk.

Stephen Hawking is a very paranoid man

He's always looking over his shoulder.

“There is no God” -Stephen Hawking, 2011

“There is no Stephen Hawking” -God, 2018

Whats Stephen Hawking’s least favorite song?

Stairway to Heaven

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?

Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.

Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning

Because I can't get out of bed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

What's with all of the rude Stephen Hawking jokes??

The man can't even stand up for himself

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Stephen Hawking take a shit?

He logs out.

Stephen Hawking was quite persistant in his older age

He never walked away from a challange

Why is Stephen Hawking successful?

He can't run away from his responsibilities.

What do you call a handjob from Stephen Hawking?

A stroke of genius.

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

what if stephen hawking was the real slim shady

but he couldn’t stand up

How does Stephen Hawking commit suicide?

Alt-F4

Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need a wife?

Because he has his own shoulder to cry on.

I knew a guy who used to get Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking confused

Understandable, they both loved ramps.

Who would win in a fight between Muhammad Ali and Stephen Hawking?

Parkinson's

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?



The Chairman

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

Ctrl + Alt + Del

Stephen Hawking went on a date the other day.

When he went back to his family, he had a dislocated shoulder, 2 broken ribs, and a popped kneecap. It was because she stood him up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stephen Hawking walks into a bar.

Then Stevie Wonder "says wait you can walk!" Then Hellen keller says "wait you can see!"
Then hitler says "wait you're still alive!"
And that's the story about how my bartender stopped doing drugs.

What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?

Nothing.

My friend said we should tear down statues of Stephen Hawking

I didn’t know there were any statues of Stephen Hawking still standing.

Whenever I make a decision, I think about what Stephen Hawking would do.

So every time my friend asks me if I want to go for a walk, I decline.

Not only was Stephen Hawking a great physicist, he was also a great comedian.

Sadly, his stand-up wasn’t very good.

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking in a house fire

Why did Stephen Hawking get deferred from the cryogenics lab?

Because the doctors knew you shouldn't freeze vegetables.

Why does Stephen Hawking only do one line jokes?

Because he can't do stand-up.

I tend to confuse Tony Hawk with Stephen Hawking

To be fair, they both love ramps

Why couldn’t Stephen Hawking get into heaven?

Because it’s a stairway to heaven.

So Stephen Hawking walks into a bar...

Just kidding.

I met Stephen Hawking after he went on his first date,

he came in with a broken nose, smashed glasses and a dislocated hip...


She stood him up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just tried to woo Stephen Hawking.

But I don't think I pushed the right buttons.

Stephen Hawking can actually be pretty funny sometimes...

But I don't think he's got what it takes to do stand-up.

Stephen Hawking says we only have 1000 more years left as a civilization

He's just mad that we haven't figured out how to get him out of that wheelchair by now

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners?

Because he can't do stand up

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

Why do fruit flies hate stephen hawking

He was a vegetable

How do you know Stephen Hawking has jungle fever?

He knows a lot about black holes

Did you hear about Dr. Stephen Hawking?

News report I saw this morning describing horrible injuries to Dr. Stephen Hawking like a broken jaw, damaged collarbone, smashed kneecaps...
Apparently his date last night stood him up.

Very few people know this, but legendary motorcycle daredevil Evel Knievel was a very intelligent man, and had the same IQ as professor Stephen Hawking.

They also shared a love of ramps.

I finally got around to reading that book by Stephen Hawking.

It was about time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Professor Stephen Hawking rolled into a fancy dress shop..

"Good morning." He said to the shopkeeper, in his famous robotic voice. "It's my science department's annual Dr Who fancy dress party tonight. Would you have a Tom Baker outfit for rental?"

"I'm sorry Mr Hawking." He replied. "I just rented the last one out yesterday."

"Oh dear." artif...

Stephen Hawking was busted cheating by his wife

"- Honey, wait, *I can explain EVERYTHING*!"

Stephen Hawking has his first date in a long time...

When he returned from the date, he had a twisted ankle, a broken wrist, his glasses were cracked and there was dirt all over his clothes.

Apparently she stood him up.

Why was Stephen Hawking always so quick with the one liners?

Well, he wasn't exactly gonna try stand-up, was he?

Stephen Hawking is an inspiration

He's earned millions in the past 10 years without lifting a finger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Stephen Hawking, given his physical ailments, were to develop a machine to help him masturbate...

Would it be a *stroke of genius*?

I could do some great stand up comedy about Stephen Hawking...

but then it wouldn’t be stand up comedy

Stephen Hawking’s final theory, written just before he died, was released yesterday.

It's about time

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

Do you know if Stephen Hawking still has his old phone number?

Everytime I call, a machine answers.

Jesus may have walked on water

But Stephen Hawking ran on batteries

Did you know that Stephen Hawking wrote a cookbook?

It's called A Brief History of Thyme.

My friend said they'd finally read Stephen Hawking's book.

I said, "It's about time."

Just saw a post about Stan Lee, Avicii, Stephen Hawking and Burt Reynolds.

It was a rip-post.

Billy Graham and Stephen Hawking meet each other in the afterlife.

That was Amazing! Billy says to Stephen.
It sure was, let's do that again! Only this time I get to be the bad cop.

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