Doctor: "Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright."

Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike."

Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."

Steven: Good evening.

Stephen: Good ephening.


^^^bye

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane...

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat … As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ” Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “” Business. I’m going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America C...

I don't know what job Steven hawking had

But I sure as hell know he wasn't a stand up comedian.

Why did Steven Hawking have to die?

His wheelchair was worth more without him.

Steven Spielberg is working on a movie about clocks which will be released summer 2020

It's about time.

What does Steven Avery get from KFC?(MAM PART 2 SPOILER)

A boneless bullet

It’s a shame that Steven Hawking died

He’s been on a roll since age 21.

Thanos appears in the Universe of Steven Universe

He snaps his fingers and half of Steven is gone.

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

<The windows xp log out sound >

Steven Hawking walks into a bar...

Oh wait nvm lol

Why is being Steven Hawking so great?

Because he never gets nervous...

Steven Spielberg's Next Movie

Steven Spielberg decides that he wants to make a movie about famous composers. He puts out a casting call.

Tom Hulce walks in first and says, "I played Mozart in Amadeus, and would love to play him again."

Next, Gary Oldman calls. "I was Beethoven in Immortal Beloved, so I already have...

I don't understand all the fuss about getting rid of guns in America. Just do what Steven Speilberg did.

Replace all the guns with walkie-talkies. Not that hard!

Have I told you about the time I met Steven Tyler and he taught me how to cook stir fry?

He told me to "wok this way."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in sex education class ..

...when the teacher pointed at the diagram and asked, "What is this called?"

I put my hand up and answered, "That's a pussy, Miss Stevens."

She rolled her eyes, and replied, "Give me a medical term, please."

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "That's a pussy, Doctor Stevens."

What kind of health insurance does Steven Hawking have?

AVG Antivirus

Mom: Son, why don't you talk to Steven anymore? You used to be best friends!

**Son:** Well, would you talk to someone who is stupid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic?

**Mom:** Of course not!

**Son:** Well, neither would he.

Credit- Some guy on Youtube

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 death sentenced prisoners wait for the electric chair

3 prisoners are waiting for their eminent death on their execution day. One Black Man, one White Man, and One Moron. The warden walks up and gets everything set up.

He calls the Black Man forward, "John Jones, sentenced for Murder in the first degree. Any last words?"

"I to this day c...

My grandmother gave me 5$ and said “Now don’t tell your mother”

I told her “Its gonna cost you a lot more then that to keep me quiet”

- Steven Wright

Steven Tyler opens home for girls about to be abused.

Calling it early.

How many dyslexics does it take to change a light bulb?

Steven.

How does Steven Hawking refresh after a long work day?

F5

(sorry Imgoingtohellforthis)

A new manager was hired....

The new manager walked all around the factory, inspecting his workers, when he came to a room where he saw someone slacking off, leaning against the wall. The manager hid behind a few pipes and watched the employee for 5 minutes.
The person didn't move a muscle, so the manager aproached him and o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

Why can’t Steven hawking drive

Because he has no motor function

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Steven Seagal decide to make and star in a movie about famous composers...

Bruce: "Okay guys, let's decide which musicians we'd like to portray"

Seagal: "Well, I guess I'll play Beethoven if you guys think that works"

Stallone: "that seems like a good fit. I think I'll be Mozart."

Willis: "Sounds good so far. I'd like to portray Brahms."

*Stall...

George R.R. Martin, Steven Moffat, and Joss Whedon walk into a bar.

Everyone you've ever loved dies.

What's the most dangerous thing about Steven Seagal?

his Cholesterol level

Steven Spielberg picks up a hooker

He drives her to the back of a parking lot so she can suck him off.

She gets done swallowing his load and had to ask-

I thought you Jewish guys were all circumcised??

He explained-

I have been circumcised..

This is the "Director's Cut!"

Anyone know the title of Steven Tyler's new cook book?

Wok this way.

I heard Steven Spielberg is directing a film about a fat alien...

It's called "Eat-T, The Extra Cholesterol".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men with tiny body parts meet up...

One has tiny hands, one has tiny feet, and one has a tiny penis. They all think theirs are the tiniest in the world. So they go to Guinness World Records to make it official.
The first guy walks in, and comes out with a plaque in his hand and a big smile on his face, and says, “I have the tinies...

Made this up. Feels like a Steven Wright joke...

My teacher asked me to use the word "bucolic" in a sentence.

I said, "You want me to use the word 'bucolic' in a sentence?"

She replied, "Yes."

I said, "I just did."

My name is Steven

But the bank calls me Owen. Owen Lotts.

Steven Spielberg dies and goes to heaven.

He's greeted at the gates by Peter who informs him that God is a big fan of his work. He begins with a tour of the place and goes on to mention that if Steven needs anything to just say the word.

"We'll, I'd love to meet Stanley Kubrick," Steven admits.

"I'm sorry, but as you may know,...

Heard This Joke On Qi

Three candidates for a job as CIA hitman,
First one is told, “ your wife is tied to a chair in that room, you have to take this pistol and kill her”
After two minutes, he comes out the room saying “I couldn’t do it “. The trainer tells him “if you can’t kill your wife, you can’t be a CIA hit...

Steven Gerrard has had the worst ending for a Captain

Since the Titanic!

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts,"

But, “you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

Credit Steven Wright

Every day I like to take a little bit of time,put it away, and just forget about it.

This way,by the end of the year, I'll have a few days to myself.

(Steven Wright)

Please read in Steven Wright's voice...

I was driving my friend around and he told me he was hungry. Asked if I'd take him to the drive-thru. I said yes. I pull up to the place and we wait in line for about five minutes. Finally it's our turn. The lady asks how she can help us today and I tell her I need two cheeseburgers, a large fry, an...

Driving down a highway,I saw a sign that said "rest area 25 miles."

I thought to myself "wow,that's pretty big"

( Stolen from Steven Wright)

A nun gets into a taxi...

A nun gets into a taxi and the driver can't take his eyes off her.

Finally, he says, "Sister, I must tell you something but I don’t want to offend you."

She says, "My son, you won’t offend me. I've heard it all after so many years of being a nun."

"Okay," says the driver, "Well ...

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my f...

A man comes home from work and checks his answering machine

There is a message from his doctor.

"Hello Mr. Stevens, this is Dr. Smith's office. We need to speak to you right away Please call back at your earliest convienence"

The man calls the doctor's office. The doctor answers.

The man says "Hello doc it's Jim Stevens. You left a mess...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Smartass

Student: mister steven could I ask you a question


Teacher: Yes of course

Student:how do you put an elephant inside a fridge

Teacher: I don’t know

Student: just open the fridge and put it in.ok I have another question

Teacher: ok ask

Student: how do you ...

teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, 8, 10...?

steven: even numbers

stephen: ephen numbers

A kid walks into a kitchen...

... and ask: "mom, what's for breakfast?"

"Look, just because I sleep with your dad, it doesnt mean that you can call me "mom""

"Ok, so what am I supposed to call you then?"

"Just as usual, "Steven""

PS. Sorry for any grammar mistakes, english is not my native language

I'm sorry

In 2013 Steven Hawking said God didn't exist

In 2018 God said Steven Hawking didn't exist

Apparently more intelligent people tend to be less violent.

This is proven when you look at great modern scientists.

I bet you that no one has ever seen Steven Hawking slap someone.

At my best friend's funeral service rn, I brought his favorite Beyblade to battle against mine one last time, in front of everyone.

I was hesistant to do it at first, but I just got a reaffirming note from his mom saying:


"Steven, for God's sake, just let him RIP!!!"

When I was growing up, we didn't have a sandbox, we had a quicksand box.

I was an only child....eventually.

(From my favorite comedian: Steven Wright)

Who knows where Jesus is today?

A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where...

How many dyslexic people does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

How many dyslexic people does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

Steven

(BTW I am dyslexic so I think it is ok to make fun of myself)

I called the wrong number today.

A woman answered and I said, “Hello, is Tommy there?”

“Yes he is,” she said.

And I said, “Can I speak with him please?”

She said, “No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only 4 months old.”

I said, “Alright... I’ll wait.”


[Steven Wright]

Kisses beat snores...every time

Three guys were at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.


No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first night, John slept in Steven’s room and c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim leaves a bar at 2 am...

And he’s completely shitfaced. He’s not ready to call it a night, though, so he goes for a walk through the forest behind the bar. As he’s walking along, Jim comes across a bear. Being the stupid drunk fucker he is, Jim decides to try befriending the bear by offering it a high five.

Somehow t...

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale sucking on his big fat belly

"Steven, that won't help you, you know?"

"Oh it helps A LOT." The man says. "It's the only way I can see the numbers on the thing!"

So there's these two beavers...

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.

Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."

Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese walks into a bar...

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."
<...

A man wakes up in the hospital after electrocuting himself...

Doctor: What is your name?

Man: Steven

Doctor: Good. Who is the current US President?

Man: Obama

Doctor: Oh no that is incorrect it is President Trump

Man: Dammit it didn't work

Yes - it's true I actually am my own grandpa ...

- simple explaination ...

"Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and rea...

Making a sandwich

One night, Jack and his girlfriend want to do it. Unfortunetly, he shares a bunk with his little brother steven. That night, when jack and his girlfriend are doing it, steven wakes up to the noise and asks, "What are you guys doing?" Thinking fast, Jack says, making a sandwich. So then steven goes b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my favorite jew jokes.

3 Jewish mothers get together for lunch one day at a fancy restaurant on the upper east side in Manhattan. They haven't seen each other in years, so the conversation naturally, turns to their sons. The first one says, "My Moishe...he's the best doctor in all of New York. Celebrities see him. Michael...

I bought some powdered water

But I don't know what to add.
—Steven Wright

I went to the doctor for a rash...

Doctor: What toiletries are you using?

Me: Steven’s soap, Steven’s shampoo, Steven’s toothpaste and Steven’s toothbrush.

Doctor: Huh, so is Steven’s a foreign brand?

Me: No, Steven is my roommate.

Name a girl who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Steven Hawking's wife

My co-worker always tells me: "I see dead people"

And I always tell him: "Shut up, Steven, we're morticians."

THE GOVINATOR

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that...

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

a joke by Steven Wright

A routine call to an elderly patient..

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients.
He asks, ”And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?”
Mr. Johnson replies, ”I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it’s the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I o...

I poured spot remover on my dog

Now he's gone.

(My favorite Steven Wright joke).

What's black and sits at the top of a staircase?

Steven Hawking after a house fire.

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