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A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour...

I keep getting Tony Hawk and Steven Hawking confused.

I mean, they both liked ramps

Doctor: "Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright."

Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike."

Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."

Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud

Steven Spielberg just announced he’s not doing anymore shark movies.

This is a real Jaw dropper

Steven Soderberg’s movie *Contagion* becomes the most downloaded movie of the year 2023

...with 17 downloads

Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad?

It's a sweet emulsion

Why did Steven Tyler stick his hand into a hornet nest??

He didn't wanna miss a sting

”I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord.

I kept almost dying.”-Steven Wright

Everyone thinks it's crazy that Jesus walked on water...

But no one ever mentions that Steven Hawking ran on batteries.

Calling someone an “Einstein” is overrated.

Whenever someone acts smart around me, I just say, “Wow, you’re like a walking, talking, Steven Hawking.”

Jesus is in the bathroom

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his ...

It’s a shame that Steven Hawking died

He’s been on a roll since age 21.

What kind of bird would make a great action movie star?

Steven Sea-gull

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

<The windows xp log out sound >

Why did Steven Hawking have to die?

His wheelchair was worth more without him.

Mom: Son, why don't you talk to Steven anymore? You used to be best friends!

**Son:** Well, would you talk to someone who is stupid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic?

**Mom:** Of course not!

**Son:** Well, neither would he.

Credit- Some guy on Youtube

Steven Hawking walks into a bar...

Just kidding.

What do you call a group of 7 Steves?

A Steven.

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

I never liked Steven Hawking much.

He seemed kinda lame.

Steven Spielberg is working on a movie about clocks which will be released summer 2020

It's about time.

How does Steven Hawking refresh after a long work day?

F5

(sorry Imgoingtohellforthis)

I don't know what job Steven hawking had

But I sure as hell know he wasn't a stand up comedian.

Steven Spielberg's Next Movie

Steven Spielberg decides that he wants to make a movie about famous composers. He puts out a casting call.

Tom Hulce walks in first and says, "I played Mozart in Amadeus, and would love to play him again."

Next, Gary Oldman calls. "I was Beethoven in Immortal Beloved, so I already have...

I don't understand all the fuss about getting rid of guns in America. Just do what Steven Speilberg did.

Replace all the guns with walkie-talkies. Not that hard!

The worst part about working at the fire hydrant factory...

is that you couldn't park anywhere near the place.



(Credit: Steven Wright.)

What kind of health insurance does Steven Hawking have?

AVG Antivirus

Have I told you about the time I met Steven Tyler and he taught me how to cook stir fry?

He told me to "wok this way."

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Steven Seagal decide to make and star in a movie about famous composers...

Bruce: "Okay guys, let's decide which musicians we'd like to portray"

Seagal: "Well, I guess I'll play Beethoven if you guys think that works"

Stallone: "that seems like a good fit. I think I'll be Mozart."

Willis: "Sounds good so far. I'd like to portray Brahms."

*Stall...

Steven Tyler opens home for girls about to be abused.

Calling it early.

Anyone know the title of Steven Tyler's new cook book?

Wok this way.

George R.R. Martin, Steven Moffat, and Joss Whedon walk into a bar.

Everyone you've ever loved dies.

What's the most dangerous thing about Steven Seagal?

his Cholesterol level

I'm addicted to placebos

I could quit, but it wouldn't make a difference

-Steven Wright

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Three men with tiny body parts meet up...

One has tiny hands, one has tiny feet, and one has a tiny penis. They all think theirs are the tiniest in the world. So they go to Guinness World Records to make it official.
The first guy walks in, and comes out with a plaque in his hand and a big smile on his face, and says, “I have the tinies...

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3 death sentenced prisoners wait for the electric chair

3 prisoners are waiting for their eminent death on their execution day. One Black Man, one White Man, and One Moron. The warden walks up and gets everything set up.

He calls the Black Man forward, "John Jones, sentenced for Murder in the first degree. Any last words?"

"I to this day c...

Made this up. Feels like a Steven Wright joke...

My teacher asked me to use the word "bucolic" in a sentence.

I said, "You want me to use the word 'bucolic' in a sentence?"

She replied, "Yes."

I said, "I just did."

Steven Spielberg dies and goes to heaven.

He's greeted at the gates by Peter who informs him that God is a big fan of his work. He begins with a tour of the place and goes on to mention that if Steven needs anything to just say the word.

"We'll, I'd love to meet Stanley Kubrick," Steven admits.

"I'm sorry, but as you may know,...

A nun gets into a taxi...

A nun gets into a taxi and the driver can't take his eyes off her.

Finally, he says, "Sister, I must tell you something but I don’t want to offend you."

She says, "My son, you won’t offend me. I've heard it all after so many years of being a nun."

"Okay," says the driver, "Well ...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane...

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat … As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ” Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “” Business. I’m going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America C...

“I’ve been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week.” Said my neighbor Mike.

Mike: “For example, do you know who Euclid is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the father of geometry. If you take night courses you would know this.”

The next day the same discussion took place:

Mike: “Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the...

What's black, hot, and sits at the top of the stairs?

Steven hawking after a house fire.

Steven Gerrard has had the worst ending for a Captain

Since the Titanic!

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts,"

But, “you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

Credit Steven Wright

Please read in Steven Wright's voice...

I was driving my friend around and he told me he was hungry. Asked if I'd take him to the drive-thru. I said yes. I pull up to the place and we wait in line for about five minutes. Finally it's our turn. The lady asks how she can help us today and I tell her I need two cheeseburgers, a large fry, an...

Heard This Joke On Qi

Three candidates for a job as CIA hitman,
First one is told, “ your wife is tied to a chair in that room, you have to take this pistol and kill her”
After two minutes, he comes out the room saying “I couldn’t do it “. The trainer tells him “if you can’t kill your wife, you can’t be a CIA hit...

Every day I like to take a little bit of time,put it away, and just forget about it.

This way,by the end of the year, I'll have a few days to myself.

(Steven Wright)

My name is Steven

But the bank calls me Owen. Owen Lotts.

A kid walks into a kitchen...

... and ask: "mom, what's for breakfast?"

"Look, just because I sleep with your dad, it doesnt mean that you can call me "mom""

"Ok, so what am I supposed to call you then?"

"Just as usual, "Steven""

PS. Sorry for any grammar mistakes, english is not my native language

I saw a sign that said, "Rest area,25 mile"

An thought,wow,that's pretty big.


Steven Wright

teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, 8, 10...?

steven: even numbers

stephen: ephen numbers

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Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

I called the wrong number today.

A woman answered and I said, “Hello, is Tommy there?”

“Yes he is,” she said.

And I said, “Can I speak with him please?”

She said, “No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only 4 months old.”

I said, “Alright... I’ll wait.”


[Steven Wright]

I'm sorry

In 2013 Steven Hawking said God didn't exist

In 2018 God said Steven Hawking didn't exist

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I was in sex education class ..

...when the teacher pointed at the diagram and asked, "What is this called?"

I put my hand up and answered, "That's a pussy, Miss Stevens."

She rolled her eyes, and replied, "Give me a medical term, please."

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "That's a pussy, Doctor Stevens."

So there's these two beavers...

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.

Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."

Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says
...

Apparently more intelligent people tend to be less violent.

This is proven when you look at great modern scientists.

I bet you that no one has ever seen Steven Hawking slap someone.

When I was growing up, we didn't have a sandbox, we had a quicksand box.

I was an only child....eventually.

(From my favorite comedian: Steven Wright)

How many dyslexic people does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

How many dyslexic people does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

Steven

(BTW I am dyslexic so I think it is ok to make fun of myself)

It could have been worse

Steven is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Joe, a little ways up ahead. "Joe, Joe, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Joe.

"Why, what happened?" Steven queries.

"Well," Joe...

At my best friend's funeral service rn, I brought his favorite Beyblade to battle against mine one last time, in front of everyone.

I was hesistant to do it at first, but I just got a reaffirming note from his mom saying:


"Steven, for God's sake, just let him RIP!!!"

Kisses beat snores...every time

Three guys were at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.


No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first night, John slept in Steven’s room and c...

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A new manager was hired....

The new manager walked all around the factory, inspecting his workers, when he came to a room where he saw someone slacking off, leaning against the wall. The manager hid behind a few pipes and watched the employee for 5 minutes.
The person didn't move a muscle, so the manager aproached him and o...

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Jim leaves a bar at 2 am...

And he’s completely shitfaced. He’s not ready to call it a night, though, so he goes for a walk through the forest behind the bar. As he’s walking along, Jim comes across a bear. Being the stupid drunk fucker he is, Jim decides to try befriending the bear by offering it a high five.

Somehow t...

Yes - it's true I actually am my own grandpa ...

- simple explaination ...

"Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and rea...

My grandmother gave me 5$ and said “Now don’t tell your mother”

I told her “Its gonna cost you a lot more then that to keep me quiet”

- Steven Wright

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale sucking on his big fat belly

"Steven, that won't help you, you know?"

"Oh it helps A LOT." The man says. "It's the only way I can see the numbers on the thing!"

A man wakes up in the hospital after electrocuting himself...

Doctor: What is your name?

Man: Steven

Doctor: Good. Who is the current US President?

Man: Obama

Doctor: Oh no that is incorrect it is President Trump

Man: Dammit it didn't work

THE GOVINATOR

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that...

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One of my favorite jew jokes.

3 Jewish mothers get together for lunch one day at a fancy restaurant on the upper east side in Manhattan. They haven't seen each other in years, so the conversation naturally, turns to their sons. The first one says, "My Moishe...he's the best doctor in all of New York. Celebrities see him. Michael...

Name a girl who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Steven Hawking's wife

A routine call to an elderly patient..

A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients.
He asks, ”And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?”
Mr. Johnson replies, ”I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it’s the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I o...

My co-worker always tells me: "I see dead people"

And I always tell him: "Shut up, Steven, we're morticians."

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