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A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour...

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together?

He shoots, he scores!

Steven Yeun makes Oscars history as first Asian American to be nominated for best actor.

Which is honestly disheartening because there are so many Asian American actors in the past who had performances that deserved best actor.

Like Mickey Rooney in "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

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Steven Spielberg has announced a new film which takes a stand against genital mutilation

It's called Saving Private Parts

Doctor: "Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright."

Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike."

Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."

Steven Spielberg died and went to Heaven.

"Thank goodness you made it to Heaven!" said St. Peter. "God is producing a movie and He wants you to direct it."

"Directing movies was what I did in my mortal life," said Spielberg. "This is my eternal life. I want my eternal life to be relaxing."

"I haven't told you about the film cr...

I saw an ad for Ultra Light beer...

You gotta tie the bottles down otherwise they float away.

(Steven Wright inspired this one)

I keep getting Tony Hawk and Steven Hawking confused.

I mean, they both liked ramps

The secret to a good marriage

It was grandparents day at school.

"Steven, please come up here and tell the class your story about your grandparent", the teacher said.

"Goodmorning everyone", Steven begins. " My grandpa is a very wise man. He has the answer to everything. He has been married for almost 50 years now....

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A librarian was organizing her books when a man in a dark suit walked up.

"Hey, I'm Steven. I'll pay you $20000 if you show me your nipples tomorrow."

The librarian was shocked. $20000 was a solid 6 months of work. Dumbfounded, she nodded her head. Steven then left without a word of acknowledgement.

That night, the librarian had a lot trouble falling asleep...

Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud

Steven Spielberg just announced he’s not doing anymore shark movies.

This is a real Jaw dropper

Why Steven Spielberg looks so nice?

He has a great jawline.

Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad?

It's a sweet emulsion

Teacher asks students for their favourite stand up comedians

Students start naming their favourite comedians.

Then one kid says : Joe Biden.

Another kid follows with : Donald Trump.

Political debate starts. When the teacher finaly quiets down the class there is only the person who didn't say who their favourite is, is the quiet kid.
...

Why did Steven Tyler stick his hand into a hornet nest??

He didn't wanna miss a sting

Steven Soderberg’s movie *Contagion* becomes the most downloaded movie of the year 2023

...with 17 downloads

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

<The windows xp log out sound >

It’s a shame that Steven Hawking died

He’s been on a roll since age 21.

Mom: Son, why don't you talk to Steven anymore? You used to be best friends!

**Son:** Well, would you talk to someone who is stupid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic?

**Mom:** Of course not!

**Son:** Well, neither would he.

Credit- Some guy on Youtube

Steven Hawking walks into a bar...

Just kidding.

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

Steven: Good evening.

Stephen: Good ephening.


^^^bye

Three inmates at the insane asylum gather around the lunch table to plot how they can break out and regain their freedom.

Rudy, the longest standing resident explains they should all meet along the Southern wall at precisely midnight, whereupon he will use his recently illegally acquired hospital issue flashlight to vault them over the wall. Then it’s a short walk across the border into Mexico.

Upon hearing the ...

A girl asks her father “daddy, how did I get my name?”

He explains “you see sweetie, when your mother got pregnant with your older brother, we decided that your mother would name the first born after whatever she loved the most, and I would name our second born after whatever I loved the most. So that’s why your big brother is named Steven jr. and you a...

Steven Spielberg is working on a movie about clocks which will be released summer 2020

It's about time.

What kind of health insurance does Steven Hawking have?

AVG Antivirus

Have I told you about the time I met Steven Tyler and he taught me how to cook stir fry?

He told me to "wok this way."

I don't know what job Steven hawking had

But I sure as hell know he wasn't a stand up comedian.

How does Steven Hawking refresh after a long work day?

F5

(sorry Imgoingtohellforthis)

Steven Spielberg's Next Movie

Steven Spielberg decides that he wants to make a movie about famous composers. He puts out a casting call.

Tom Hulce walks in first and says, "I played Mozart in Amadeus, and would love to play him again."

Next, Gary Oldman calls. "I was Beethoven in Immortal Beloved, so I already have...

Steven Tyler opens home for girls about to be abused.

Calling it early.

”I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord.

I kept almost dying.”-Steven Wright

Anyone know the title of Steven Tyler's new cook book?

Wok this way.

Everyone thinks it's crazy that Jesus walked on water...

But no one ever mentions that Steven Hawking ran on batteries.

What did Steven hawking say when he first got his wheelchair?

I can't stand being in this

What's the most dangerous thing about Steven Seagal?

his Cholesterol level

I don't understand all the fuss about getting rid of guns in America. Just do what Steven Speilberg did.

Replace all the guns with walkie-talkies. Not that hard!

George R.R. Martin, Steven Moffat, and Joss Whedon walk into a bar.

Everyone you've ever loved dies.

Steven Spielberg picks up a hooker

He drives her to the back of a parking lot so she can suck him off.

She gets done swallowing his load and had to ask-

I thought you Jewish guys were all circumcised??

He explained-

I have been circumcised..

This is the "Director's Cut!"

Made this up. Feels like a Steven Wright joke...

My teacher asked me to use the word "bucolic" in a sentence.

I said, "You want me to use the word 'bucolic' in a sentence?"

She replied, "Yes."

I said, "I just did."

Steven Spielberg dies and goes to heaven.

He's greeted at the gates by Peter who informs him that God is a big fan of his work. He begins with a tour of the place and goes on to mention that if Steven needs anything to just say the word.

"We'll, I'd love to meet Stanley Kubrick," Steven admits.

"I'm sorry, but as you may know,...

What kind of bird would make a great action movie star?

Steven Sea-gull

What do you call a group of 7 Steves?

A Steven.

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Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

Jesus is in the bathroom

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his ...

Calling someone an “Einstein” is overrated.

Whenever someone acts smart around me, I just say, “Wow, you’re like a walking, talking, Steven Hawking.”

My name is Steven

But the bank calls me Owen. Owen Lotts.

Steven Gerrard has had the worst ending for a Captain

Since the Titanic!

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Three men with tiny body parts meet up...

One has tiny hands, one has tiny feet, and one has a tiny penis. They all think theirs are the tiniest in the world. So they go to Guinness World Records to make it official.
The first guy walks in, and comes out with a plaque in his hand and a big smile on his face, and says, “I have the tinies...

The worst part about working at the fire hydrant factory...

is that you couldn't park anywhere near the place.



(Credit: Steven Wright.)

I'm addicted to placebos

I could quit, but it wouldn't make a difference

-Steven Wright

A nun gets into a taxi...

A nun gets into a taxi and the driver can't take his eyes off her.

Finally, he says, "Sister, I must tell you something but I don’t want to offend you."

She says, "My son, you won’t offend me. I've heard it all after so many years of being a nun."

"Okay," says the driver, "Well ...

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3 death sentenced prisoners wait for the electric chair

3 prisoners are waiting for their eminent death on their execution day. One Black Man, one White Man, and One Moron. The warden walks up and gets everything set up.

He calls the Black Man forward, "John Jones, sentenced for Murder in the first degree. Any last words?"

"I to this day c...

“I’ve been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week.” Said my neighbor Mike.

Mike: “For example, do you know who Euclid is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the father of geometry. If you take night courses you would know this.”

The next day the same discussion took place:

Mike: “Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the...

What's black, hot, and sits at the top of the stairs?

Steven hawking after a house fire.

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts,"

But, “you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

Credit Steven Wright

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I was in sex education class ..

...when the teacher pointed at the diagram and asked, "What is this called?"

I put my hand up and answered, "That's a pussy, Miss Stevens."

She rolled her eyes, and replied, "Give me a medical term, please."

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "That's a pussy, Doctor Stevens."

teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, 8, 10...?

steven: even numbers

stephen: ephen numbers

So there's these two beavers...

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.

Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."

Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says
...

Heard This Joke On Qi

Three candidates for a job as CIA hitman,
First one is told, “ your wife is tied to a chair in that room, you have to take this pistol and kill her”
After two minutes, he comes out the room saying “I couldn’t do it “. The trainer tells him “if you can’t kill your wife, you can’t be a CIA hit...

A kid walks into a kitchen...

... and ask: "mom, what's for breakfast?"

"Look, just because I sleep with your dad, it doesnt mean that you can call me "mom""

"Ok, so what am I supposed to call you then?"

"Just as usual, "Steven""

PS. Sorry for any grammar mistakes, english is not my native language

Every day I like to take a little bit of time,put it away, and just forget about it.

This way,by the end of the year, I'll have a few days to myself.

(Steven Wright)

I called the wrong number today.

A woman answered and I said, “Hello, is Tommy there?”

“Yes he is,” she said.

And I said, “Can I speak with him please?”

She said, “No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only 4 months old.”

I said, “Alright... I’ll wait.”


[Steven Wright]

Bangitty-bang-bang

Two people, on one side of the trench, were bored during WWI. One guy, named John, had an idea to cheer them up.

>Hey, let's do a prank on the opposition," John said.
Now, the other guy, named Steven, replied with: "That's a great idea! What should we do?"
"I know, how about we m...

Driving down a highway,I saw a sign that said "rest area 25 miles."

I thought to myself "wow,that's pretty big"

( Stolen from Steven Wright)

How many dyslexic people does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

How many dyslexic people does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

Steven

(BTW I am dyslexic so I think it is ok to make fun of myself)

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A new manager was hired....

The new manager walked all around the factory, inspecting his workers, when he came to a room where he saw someone slacking off, leaning against the wall. The manager hid behind a few pipes and watched the employee for 5 minutes.
The person didn't move a muscle, so the manager aproached him and o...

When I was growing up, we didn't have a sandbox, we had a quicksand box.

I was an only child....eventually.

(From my favorite comedian: Steven Wright)

Kisses beat snores...every time

Three guys were at a deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.


No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first night, John slept in Steven’s room and c...

It could have been worse

Steven is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Joe, a little ways up ahead. "Joe, Joe, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Joe.

"Why, what happened?" Steven queries.

"Well," Joe...

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