UPJOKE
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Doctor: "Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright."

Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike."

Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."

Steven Spielberg walks into a barber

"I'll have the director's cut!"

Steven Seagal is a 7th degree master of Kukido.

Kukido is the martial art that enables you to fight an opponent, while discreetly checking his pockets for cookie dough. KUKIDO!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A snake, a rock, and Steven Hawking walk into a bar...

The bartender says "how the fuck did yalls do that?"

Steven Spielberg is working on a movie about clocks which will be released summer 2020

It's about time.

What's the worst christmas gift you could give to Steven Hawking?

A Walkie-Talkie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I played golf with Steven Hawking

He was shit. He lied about his handicap.

Mom: Son, why don't you talk to Steven anymore? You used to be best friends!

**Son:** Well, would you talk to someone who is stupid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic?

**Mom:** Of course not!

**Son:** Well, neither would he.

Credit- Some guy on Youtube

You know, people just hate Steven Seagal because of how talented, fast, witty, charismatic, respected, ...

\* *runs out of breath* \*

What do readers of Steven King and Russia have in common?

They have both learned to be afraid of Clowns.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour...

Steven Seagal still does his own Stunts

He never leaves sitting in chairs to stunt people.

Steven Spielberg died and went to Heaven.

"Thank goodness you made it to Heaven!" said St. Peter. "God is producing a movie and He wants you to direct it."

"Directing movies was what I did in my mortal life," said Spielberg. "This is my eternal life. I want my eternal life to be relaxing."

"I haven't told you about the film cr...

What was Steven Hawking’s last words?

<The windows xp log out sound >

What if Steven Hawking...

What if Steven Hawking is the real Slim shady, but we don't know because he cant stand up.

Did you know Steven Spielberg and John Williams play basketball together?

He shoots, he scores!

Why isn’t Steven Hawking in heaven?

He’s still uploading to the cloud

It’s a shame that Steven Hawking died

He’s been on a roll since age 21.

As Steven Weinberg was finishing the presentation of his contributions to the Standard Model, a colleague asks:

"This work is incredible. Do you understand the gravity of what you've done?"

Weinberg: "No, weren't you listening? That's the only force we don't understand."

(I'm sorry for this terrible and obscure joke, feel free to downvote.)

How does Steven Hawking refresh after a long work day?

F5

(sorry Imgoingtohellforthis)

I keep getting Tony Hawk and Steven Hawking confused.

I mean, they both liked ramps

Steven: Good evening.

Stephen: Good ephening.


^^^bye

Steven Spielberg's Next Movie

Steven Spielberg decides that he wants to make a movie about famous composers. He puts out a casting call.

Tom Hulce walks in first and says, "I played Mozart in Amadeus, and would love to play him again."

Next, Gary Oldman calls. "I was Beethoven in Immortal Beloved, so I already have...

I never liked Steven Hawking much.

He seemed kinda lame.

Why does Steven Tyler always put raspberry vinaigrette on his salad?

It's a sweet emulsion

Why did Steven Tyler stick his hand into a hornet nest??

He didn't wanna miss a sting

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Steven Seagal.

Steven Seagal who?

Oh well, that’s show biz…

Steven Spielberg just announced he’s not doing anymore shark movies.

This is a real Jaw dropper

Steven Soderberg’s movie *Contagion* becomes the most downloaded movie of the year 2023

...with 17 downloads

What kind of health insurance does Steven Hawking have?

AVG Antivirus

What's the most dangerous thing about Steven Seagal?

his Cholesterol level

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she stood him up.

Steven Spielberg dies and goes to heaven.

He's greeted at the gates by Peter who informs him that God is a big fan of his work. He begins with a tour of the place and goes on to mention that if Steven needs anything to just say the word.

"We'll, I'd love to meet Stanley Kubrick," Steven admits.

"I'm sorry, but as you may know,...

My pastor always says "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve". I found a solution though. Eve and Steve just need to take a turn together!



That would make it Eve 'n Steven.

My name is Steven

But the bank calls me Owen. Owen Lotts.

What does Steven Avery get from KFC?(MAM PART 2 SPOILER)

A boneless bullet

Steven Tyler opens home for girls about to be abused.

Calling it early.

Anyone know the title of Steven Tyler's new cook book?

Wok this way.

Made this up. Feels like a Steven Wright joke...

My teacher asked me to use the word "bucolic" in a sentence.

I said, "You want me to use the word 'bucolic' in a sentence?"

She replied, "Yes."

I said, "I just did."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey Reddit - What's are some of your favorite one liners? I'll start...

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up!

-Mitch Hedberg

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

-Steven Wright

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the ...

Steven Gerrard has had the worst ending for a Captain

Since the Titanic!

Where?

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.
...

So there's these two beavers...

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.

Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."

Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says
...

Baseball in Heaven

Steven and Richard are two old roommates who have always loved baseball.

Together, they make an arrangement. Since they're not getting any younger, the first one to die has to let the other know if there is baseball in heaven.

Specifically, a year after his death, he will sit on the do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane...

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat … As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ” Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “” Business. I’m going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America C...

George R.R. Martin, Steven Moffat, and Joss Whedon walk into a bar.

Everyone you've ever loved dies.

24 Hour Market

Throwback to my favorite Steven Wright line:

Realized late one night I needed something from the store and remembered there was a 24 hour market down the street.

I went down there and arrived as the shop keeper was closing up the store.

I said, " I thought you were open 24 hour...

Dave’s military experience

Dave just got a promotion in the army, but unfortunately this new position put him at the forefront of bearing the bad news. After 30 days in service, he is informed by HR that John’s wife died, and he should inform him kindly of the event.
Next day at morning call, Dave goes :
-John, your wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in sex education class ..

...when the teacher pointed at the diagram and asked, "What is this called?"

I put my hand up and answered, "That's a pussy, Miss Stevens."

She rolled her eyes, and replied, "Give me a medical term, please."

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "That's a pussy, Doctor Stevens."

How many dyslexics does it take to change a light bulb?

Steven.

I don't understand all the fuss about getting rid of guns in America. Just do what Steven Speilberg did.

Replace all the guns with walkie-talkies. Not that hard!

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Steven Seagal decide to make and star in a movie about famous composers...

Bruce: "Okay guys, let's decide which musicians we'd like to portray"

Seagal: "Well, I guess I'll play Beethoven if you guys think that works"

Stallone: "that seems like a good fit. I think I'll be Mozart."

Willis: "Sounds good so far. I'd like to portray Brahms."

*Stall...

A mondegreen courtesy of a four year old

I was listening to pop, folk and soft rock music from the 60s and 70s the other day, artists like Cat Stevens, Simon and Garfunkel, and the Doobie Brothers. My granddaughter came in the room, climbed up on the bed, and cuddled up next to me.

She was listening very intently to the lyrics of on...

A man sits down next to a woman on a bus

The man starts flirting with her, and in the course of their conversation she admits that she's a nymphomaniac.

"Oh really," says the man, instantly more engaged in their conversation.

"Yeah", she confirms, "but I'm only attracted to Jewish cowboys. Anyway, my name is Mary-Beth, what's...

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Credit Steven Wright

The secret to a good marriage

It was grandparents day at school.

"Steven, please come up here and tell the class your story about your grandparent", the teacher said.

"Goodmorning everyone", Steven begins. " My grandpa is a very wise man. He has the answer to everything. He has been married for almost 50 years now....

I went to the doctor for a rash...

Doctor: What toiletries are you using?

Me: Steven’s soap, Steven’s shampoo, Steven’s toothpaste and Steven’s toothbrush.

Doctor: Huh, so is Steven’s a foreign brand?

Me: No, Steven is my roommate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jim leaves a bar at 2 am...

And he’s completely shitfaced. He’s not ready to call it a night, though, so he goes for a walk through the forest behind the bar. As he’s walking along, Jim comes across a bear. Being the stupid drunk fucker he is, Jim decides to try befriending the bear by offering it a high five.

Somehow t...

THE GOVINATOR

Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I'll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that...

I bought a new phone, the first thing I did was push redial...

The phone started having a nervous breakdown.

(The legendary Steven Wright)

I saw an ad for Ultra Light beer...

You gotta tie the bottles down otherwise they float away.

(Steven Wright inspired this one)

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