Philip Schofield set to leave ITV..

Rumours say it’s because he now prefers BBC.

I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump...

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "...

Prince Philip turns up to a political event 20 minutes before everyone else

and the doorman says

“Blimey Phil, you’re early”

And Philip replies “Actually Bob, I think I’m more dukey”

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?

Murdered in a tunnel in Paris.

A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name?

King Philip III

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Two men were riding on a motorcycle...

The man in front was getting annoyed, because his jacket had lost a button and was flapping in the wind. So he turned the jacket around backward, and the two of them were on their way.

Sadly, the two men crashed into a tree. One police officer who happened to be in the area arrived first on...

Why did Philip Zimbardo prematurely end his infamous prison experiment?

His girlfriend put her foot down and said “I can’t Stanford this.”

Donald Trump is having afternoon tea with the Queen of England.

“Queenie” he says “from now on, I want to be called Emperor Donald J Trump.”

“Well, you can’t be an emperor Donald, I’m sorry” replies the Queen

“Well, there was this French guy - Napoleon - great guy, I think my Uncle knew him, very smart, and he was an emperor” replies the Don
...

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.

So I shouted, 'Get off me, you two!'

- Emo Philips

Looks like Prince Philip's been in another accident.

They shouldn’t let him drive..........The Dukes a Hazzard.

Alan and Philip sit down at the bar

Bar tender asks what can I get you tools?

So Philip Seymour Hoffman is in the new Hunger Games . . .

If anything can bring him back, it's some powerful heroine.

Why is today John Philip Sousa Day?

Because he told everyone to march fourth.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philipe Philop

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet

I was gonna keep it rather than return it.

But I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.













PS:- This was a joke cracked by Emo Philips way back in t...

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Millionaire

The teacher stood in front of the class. "Take a pencil and paper," she said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'"

Every student in the class began to write furiously. Everyone but Philip, who leaned back in his seat with his arms folded.

"What's the matter," ...

Heresy

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious o...

The British Royals are having tea

Queen Elizabeth says "Philip, I think you should see a doctor. I fear you have a touch of dementia."

"ME? *You're* the one who thinks she's the bloody Queen of England!"

Jesus went into the mountains with his disciples; and he began to teach them, saying:

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are the poor in spirit.

Blessed are those who mourn.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.

And Peter said: Will this be in the test?

And Philip said: Were we supposed...

Head Teacher: I'm going to have to expel you.

Pupil: You'd have to eat me first, weirdo.

(Shout out to Emo Philips)

Hunger Games : Mockingjay

For the last installments of the Hunger Games series, the director has decided to make a change. In the new movies, Philip Seymour Hoffman will unexpectedly be killed by the heroine.

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This economy is getting so bad, I had to pose nude for a magazine

I'm never going back to *that* newsstand!

-Emo Philips

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The Secret of the Monastery

One night, a young man got lost in the woods while out hunting. As he walked to and fro to find a familiar landmark, he stumbled upon a very old and dreary looking building. He banged at the wooden double doors and called out, "Help please! I am lost! Could you help me?"

The door opened with ...

Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump...

Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump, so I approached him and said, “Don’t jump!”



And he said, “I’ve got nothing to live for and no one cares about me in the slightest.”



So I replied, “You’re forgetting about God.”



The man s...

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I used to have this friend who always called me Fi-Fi

You know, because my name is Philip. I was always disappointed that I couldn't do the same with her.

Her name was Camille, that would've just been a shitty nickname.

A Moldy Oldie

Complaining of his marriage for thirty-odd years

He highballed his eyeballs, comforting his tears

The barkeep asked, what's troubling you son?

He poured out his life; I'm finished! I'm done!

The woman I married has turned into a nag

What I wouldn't give to be rid o...

I booked an hotel in kenya on walking distance from the beach...

You can't imagine how far those kenyans will walk.
[source: philip geubels, Belgian comedian]

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A burglar breaks into a couple's house at night

However, he's discovered by the couple, so he pulls out a knife and puts it at the wife's throat.

'What's your name?' asks the burglar. 'I like to know the name of my victims!'

'Elisabeth,' she answers frailly.

'Oh, my mother's called Elisabeth as well!' says the burglar. 'I can...

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