What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?

Murdered in a tunnel in Paris.

Prince Philip turns up to a political event 20 minutes before everyone else

and the doorman says

“Blimey Phil, you’re early”

And Philip replies “Actually Bob, I think I’m more dukey”

Saving a christian

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholi...

Why did Philip Zimbardo prematurely end his infamous prison experiment?

His girlfriend put her foot down and said “I can’t Stanford this.”

Looks like Prince Philip's been in another accident.

They shouldn’t let him drive..........The Dukes a Hazzard.

Alan and Philip sit down at the bar

Bar tender asks what can I get you tools?

Once Prince Philip went to China. That time most of the Chinese had poor knowledge in English.

One of the Chinese ministers welcomed Prince Philip. A written copy of probable welcome conversation was given to the minister. What was written there?

Minister: Welcome to China.

Philip: Thank you.

Minister: How are you?

Philip: Good. You?

Minister: Me too.
...

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet

I was gonna keep it rather than return it.

But I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.













PS:- This was a joke cracked by Emo Philips way back in t...

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philipe Philop

So Philip Seymour Hoffman is in the new Hunger Games . . .

If anything can bring him back, it's some powerful heroine.

The British Royals are having tea

Queen Elizabeth says "Philip, I think you should see a doctor. I fear you have a touch of dementia."

"ME? *You're* the one who thinks she's the bloody Queen of England!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Millionaire

The teacher stood in front of the class. "Take a pencil and paper," she said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'"

Every student in the class began to write furiously. Everyone but Philip, who leaned back in his seat with his arms folded.

"What's the matter," ...

Riddle: A King has 3 cups in front of him. The first two cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name??

King Philip III

Head Teacher: I'm going to have to expel you.

Pupil: You'd have to eat me first, weirdo.

(Shout out to Emo Philips)

Jesus went into the mountains with his disciples; and he began to teach them, saying:

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are the poor in spirit.

Blessed are those who mourn.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.

And Peter said: Will this be in the test?

And Philip said: Were we supposed...

Heresy

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious o...

Hunger Games : Mockingjay

For the last installments of the Hunger Games series, the director has decided to make a change. In the new movies, Philip Seymour Hoffman will unexpectedly be killed by the heroine.

This economy is getting so bad, I had to pose nude for a magazine

I'm never going back to *that* newsstand!

-Emo Philips

Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump...

Walking across the Golden Gate bridge, I saw a man about to jump, so I approached him and said, “Don’t jump!”



And he said, “I’ve got nothing to live for and no one cares about me in the slightest.”



So I replied, “You’re forgetting about God.”



The man s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Secret of the Monastery

One night, a young man got lost in the woods while out hunting. As he walked to and fro to find a familiar landmark, he stumbled upon a very old and dreary looking building. He banged at the wooden double doors and called out, "Help please! I am lost! Could you help me?"

The door opened with ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to have this friend who always called me Fi-Fi

You know, because my name is Philip. I was always disappointed that I couldn't do the same with her.

Her name was Camille, that would've just been a shitty nickname.

A burglar breaks into a couple's house at night

However, he's discovered by the couple, so he pulls out a knife and puts it at the wife's throat.

'What's your name?' asks the burglar. 'I like to know the name of my victims!'

'Elisabeth,' she answers frailly.

'Oh, my mother's called Elisabeth as well!' says the burglar. 'I can...

I booked an hotel in kenya on walking distance from the beach...

You can't imagine how far those kenyans will walk.
[source: philip geubels, Belgian comedian]

A Moldy Oldie

Complaining of his marriage for thirty-odd years

He highballed his eyeballs, comforting his tears

The barkeep asked, what's troubling you son?

He poured out his life; I'm finished! I'm done!

The woman I married has turned into a nag

What I wouldn't give to be rid o...

Give a man a fire,

and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Credit: Philip J. Fry

I caught a big fish!

I was going to mount it, but there were people around!

Source: Emo Philips

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