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Crucifixion Jokes

What did the Romans say after a good crucifixion?

Nailed it.

3 hours in the crucifixion of Jesus one of his disciples, Andrew, is wandering the streets of Jerusalem still trying to fathom what just happened

with no specific end destination Andrew just walks around in a somewhat foggy state of mind. Suddenly he hears a distant and very silent cry:

"Andreeeeew..."

First he thinks it´s his own mind playing tricks with him or maybe somehow just the wind but then he hears it again..:

"A...

Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion?

CrossFit

I tried to make a joke about crucifixion...

...but it landed on it's face....I just couldn't nail it right.

Jesus' crucifixion was a success...

They totally nailed it!

Why did the Romans bring bleach to Jesus’s crucifixion?

To prevent cross contamination.

What’s the difference between the crucifixion of Jesus and a painting of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the painting.

How many Nails did it take for the Crucifixion of Jesus?

I dunno, probably a Handful?

Why doesn't Jesus like having the image of his crucifixion on church windows?

He's in too much *pane*.

What’s the difference between a cow and the crucifixion?

You can’t milk a cow for 2,000 years.

There's a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails.

Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson's company. He tells Johnson to come back the nex...

People who get offended by crucifixion jokes seem rather cross.

I don't get what their hangup is.

If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

It's St Peter's day off and Jesus is manning the Pearly Gates...

When an old man arrives seeking admission. Jesus starts running through the application form.

"Name?" says Jesus in bored tone of voice.

"Joseph." The old man replies.

"Occupation?" Jesus drone on.

"Carpenter." Jesus looks up a little surprised but he continues.

"C...

What rating did Jesus give the Romans for his crucifixion?

X/X... They nailed it!

I read my part aloud in the church sermon about the crucifixion of Jesus. I was really proud of myself for not making any mistakes.

In hindsight, yelling out "NAILED IT" probably wasn't the best way to celebrate.

What's the difference between being married and being crucified?

Crucifixion only lasts days.

So Jesus was in the midst of crucifixion...

and Peter was emotionally devastated over the events that had transpired. He felt completely helpless, but he faintly hears Jesus calling his name, "Peter....Peter.." He tries to respond but the centurion guards had built up quite a barricade. Again he hears the calls, "Peter... Peter..." So Peter ...

A roman soldier comes back home from work

Wife: so how'd the crucifixion think go

Soldier: nailed it

I've been double crossed

You would think one crucifixion would have been enough.

Why weren't there multiple seasons of crucifixions?

People lost interest after the Pilate episode.

Greek Easter is a week later to give them time to prepare all the food.

Most people consider it a crucifixion, to Greeks it’s just another hummus side.

Seeking inspiration, a screenwriter goes to the holy place of Golgotha in Jerusalem, believed to be the site of Jesus's crucifixion. Finding a quiet spot, he begins to write. Unfortunately, a group of thieves sneak up behind him, knock him out, and steal his laptop.

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

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Some girl I know posted on Facebook;

"My toddler crawled under the garden fence! Lol, nails and wood will be out tomorrow!xxx"

Fucking hell, crucifixion seems a bit harsh.

Just found- Lost Scriptures from the Book of Paul.

It is Good Friday and there are multitudes of people gathered around Mt. Calvary wailing, worshiping, and witnessing the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, now nailed to the cross atop this hill for all to see. Jesus cries out, "Paul...Paul... Paaaulll.." Paul hears this and to prove he is a good disciple...

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Jesus meets Judas after the Resurrection: A Bible Story

After returning from the dead following his betrayal and crucifixion the first thing Jesus did was seek out Judas. Upon finding the distraught Judas contemplating how he'd use the fifty pieces of silver he received for his treachery Jesus said,

"Look man no hard feelings I know this disciple ...

Murphy’s Nails

Two brothers start up a company that manufactures nails, one is in charge of sales and the other marketing. They needed a commercial, so the one in charge of marketing got to work.

A few weeks later he excitedly shows the footage to his brother. It starts with a wide shot of a mob of people ...

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[NSFW] The best joke ever told to me by a priest.

On the day of the Crucifixion, Jesus was on the Cross, surrounded by a ring of legionaires, while his follows stood just outside the range of their spears. Among them is Simon Peter, Rock of the Church. Faintly on the wind, Simon Peter hears his Master's voice. "Peter, Peter..." heedless of the dang...

Communist hell

A lifelong member of the communist party dies and goes to hell. Upon arrival, hes told we can give you a choice. You can go to capitalist hell or Communist hell. Having been a communist his whole life, he decides to see what the capitalist hell would look like. He goes and sees people undergoing ...

The LAST Last Supper

On the eve of his crucifixion, Christ gathered his disciples for a final meal.

As he broke bread, Christ turned to the table and said, "On this night, one of you shall betray me."

There is a panicked murmur among the disciples.

Finally Peter steps forward. "Is it I, Lord? Am I ...

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God and Jesus were hashing out the final details of his life on earth.

"The only thing remaining is to decide upon your mode of death," said God. "Which do you prefer, crucifixion or killer bees?"

Jesus thought about it for a few minutes and said, "I think I will go with crucifixion."

And that's why Catholics around the world make the sign of the cross in...

Happy Easter Weekend ...

It is the day of Christ's crucifixion, and Jesus is being nailed in as his followers gather at the base of Golgotha to weep and mourn.

As they pray, they hear Jesus call out in a soft voice: "Peter ... Peter ..."

"Our Lord calls to you, Peter!" Thomas says.

Emboldened, Peter t...

(long) Three men die together and end up in front of the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter states to the three men "It is not widely known but in order to get into Heaven, you need to answer a simple question about religion." so, he turns to the first man and asks, "what is Easter?"

The man pauses and says, "Is that the holiday where we gather around the table with our fa...

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