UPJOKE
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What do you call a writer who doesn't follow the rules of sentence structure?

A rebel without a clause

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies.

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

Why don't escaped convicts make good writers?

Because they never finish their sentences

My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer...

I guess she'll have to flip a coin....

Heads or Tales.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

Did you hear about that time a hitman held a writer at gunpoint and forced him to write for Amy Schumer?

The hitman warned him, “Don’t get any funny ideas!”

Patras Bukhari was a very well known Urdu humor writer. He was very witty. Once he was asked: "Have you ever been speechless?" He replied: "Yes. Once I went to the market to get my wrist-watch repaired.

I saw shop with a lot of clocks, so I asked the shopkeeper to repair my wrist-watch.

The shopkeeper said, "Sir, we do not repair watches".

I asked him, "What do you do then?"

Shopkeeper replied: "We do circumcisions".

I asked him: "Then why have you hung so many clocks in...

What state has the most writers?

Pencil-vania

I am an accomplished writer but my autobiography didn’t sell at all…

It’s the story of my life!

What do you call an immaterial fantasy writer?

A non-fongible Tolkien.

The Writer

My wife just told me this joke.

Why doesn’t the writer look out the window in the morning?

Because what would they do in the afternoon?

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Ten. But number four will shock you.

I wanna be a fiction writer later in life.

So I'm studying journalism.

What dinosaur is a writer's best friend?

Thesaurus

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

What's the difference between a 19th Century shipwright and a 21st Century fan fic writer?

One tries to fit as many cannons as they can onto a ship. The other tries to fit as many ships as they can into canon.

I’m impressed by my favorite writer’s use of conjunctions.

She has a very nice but.

What has 12 writers, 20 actors, and 3 plots?

The Hallmark Channel

What type of pasta do crooked musical writers like?

Rigatoni

When I was a kid I wanted to be a fantasy writer

So when I became an adult I joined the UN's security council.

What do you get if you point a gun at a writer ?

A sentence.

what do erotica writers and twitter trolls have in common?

They both write stuff just to get a rise out of people.

Why isn’t blood a good writer??

Because of all the Type-Os.


Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought of it while at my desk and was proud of it cause it made me chuckle lol.

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

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American writer Dorothy Parker was once asked "Why don't you go to church on sunday?"

She replied: "I'm too fucking busy and vice versa."

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A writer moves to a rural area so he can focus on his writing without distractions

After getting settled in he sits down to start writing and is immediately disturbed by a knock on the door.

He answers to door to find an old scraggly looking man in dirty overalls, with very few teeth, and a long unkempt beard. The old man looks very excited to see him.


Howdy ne...

A writer was prosecuted for a short story he wrote

They gave him a long sentence.

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Why are creative character writers so good in bed?

……because they really know how to pen a trait!

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver!

EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!

What brand of camera a fanfiction writer owns?

A Canon Camera

Dominatrix author onlyfans creator seeks a fellow writer to be my sub

Basically I need a sub-scriber

Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with...

They have trouble keeping all their characters straight.

How many writers for "The Simpsons" does is take to change a lightbulb?

None. They won't admit that it burnt out 15 years ago!

What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery?

He ended up with a semi-colon.

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My grandfather inspired me to be a writer

He died choking on a peanut butter sandwich. I will never forget his last words: "Happy pen... happy pen..."

I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

what do you call a place where everyone's a writer?

a writer's block.

Farmers would make great writers.

They really know how to work a plot.

I realize the writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey was better than me every time I enter my house

I am home, but he was Homer.

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

“What is the limerick writer’s favourite pop group?”

AABBA

Someone told me about that manga writer who died recently

I heard his whole fanbase is going Berserk

"Two steaks please", I asked the writer. "Rare for me, medium rare for my friend."

He brought us a lovely bit of panda and a nice chunk of giraffe.

I got kicked out of our Writers Block support group today

It made me really

2 buzzfeed writers walked into a bar

What happened next will blow your minds!

What do you call a classical writer with Parkinson's and a drinking problem?

Shakesbeer.

As a writer, my vocabulary is excellent, but my spelling is lacking...

... I thought as I gazed at the squiggly red line beneath the word solemly.

Being a writer keeps me in great physical shape

I'm always running out of ideas.

A Buzzfeed writer walks into a bar...

You won't BELIEVE what they asked for!

What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed?

Let me finish this one line.

David wanted to be a writer!

There was once this young man who professed his desire to become a great writer. Say hello to David. When asked what he wanted to write, David would say with great enthusiasm, " I want to write stuff that the whole world will read. Stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff th...

My Italian Friend

An Italian friend was showing me his library of classic Greek writers. As I pulled down one book I said, "Ahh, Euripides." He looked shocked and said, "No way I rippa dees books!"

Glossing Over a Criminal in the Family Tree

The Taylors were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had traveled to America as pilgrims on the Mayflower. They had included congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports figures and television stars. They decided to research and write a family history, something for their childr...

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A New York writer is tired of all the people and noise of the big city

He believes that a quiet place will help him focus so that he can finish his novel. The man moves to an island in Northern Europe with pasture as far as the eye can see and no other houses for miles. After a year of writing he starts to feel lonely. Then, he hears a booming knock on his door. When h...

What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.

TIL that the writer Stephen King has a son named Joe...

I’m not joking, but he is...

What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

What did Melania Trump say to her speech writer?

Thanks, Obama.

Have you heard about the rappers ghost writer going to jail

He was behind bars

I often get asked what it's like to work as both a writer and a scammer...

I just say that it has its own Prose and Cons

The mining industry wants to put out a radio advert to help with recruitment. They hire a jingle writer, and he asks them what key he should write it in.

They said: "B minor".

I got fired from being an eulogy writer. Because the only thing I wrote was “plethora.”

I thought it meant a lot to a lot of people.

A lady finds out what a reference said about to her potential employer and is upset by it.

She calls her friend and asks him: "Why did you say I was a racist?!"

The friend is confused and asks "what are you talking about?"

The lady tells him, "You know how I listed you as a reference for that job in publishing? Because I always wanted to work in publishing? Well, not alway...

Why did Hollywood stop buying scripts from the frog writer?

Because his stories were ribbititive.

What's the best college degree to become a successful fiction writer?

Journalism!

What does the writer suffer from each spring?

A case of allegories

Why do writers hate the bible?

It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.

Being a writer is enjoyable...

But the job of editor is more rewording.

Early in the development of the Clone Wars show the writers wanted Obi Wan to forgive Darth Mail for killing his master and befriend him.

They decided to let Qui-Gons be bygones.

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Karen loves astrology

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

What are the two possible things that can happen when a ghost writer dies?

He becomes a ghost-ghost writer
Or...
Drake's career ends either of the two.

Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer?

HG Wells.

Stephen Fry once told this joke on "QI"

There is a story about the Bloomsbury Group writer Lytton Strachey who was a 'confirmed bachelor', as they used to put it. He was also a conscientious objector and a pacifist. He appeared before the conscientious objection board. It was their job to quiz him on whether he actually was a true pa...

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A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A ...

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

I made a YouTube video about the violence I endured as a writer on board a U-boat

Just hit subscribe.

What's it like to be an aspiring writer?

It's difficult to put into words.

I electrified the toilet of a clickbait writer

No. 1 will shock him.

How many Buzzfeed writers would use a taser on you?

We asked 20 of them, and number seven may shock you.

Why do writers always feel cold?

Because they are surrounded by drafts!

The Prime Minister's speech writer has resigned.

He's speechless.

How does a Buzzfeed writer catch fish?

Clickbait.

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My favourite porn category is the one where girls quote 19th century Irish writers

Girls Gone Wilde.

A clickbait writer dies and goes to hell.

And you won't **BELIEVE** what happens next!

"I am a writer!" - "And already sold something?"

"Yes, my house and my car."

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

If you're funny but you suck at delivery, what do you do?

... you become a writer.

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How to you piss off a writer?

The list off ways is to long too fit hear.

Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor?

He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway.

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

The guy who wrote the song 'In Too Deep' missed out on the 'best writer of a rock song' award.

Most of the judges said he lost, but Sum41.

A goalkeeper and a striker are arguing over who's the better writer in their soccer team.

Their argument becomes so heated that their coach suggests that they do an essay-writing competition. The two teammates agree.

The next day, the two of them are told to spend 2 hours typing an essay on the team's history and tactics on two old-fashioned desktop computers with attached printer...

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You’re in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.

Who was the famous writer, that died in WWII?

I don't know Anne Frankly I don't care.

A bartender walks into a joke writers convention.

No joke.

I'm a writer

My pen name is Bic

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A retired astronaut and dabbling writer gets a call from NASA

NASA asks the astronaut to help with the international space station, as he is the only one who knows how to fix the system that needs repairs. The man, a fan of old fashioned writing, requires NASA to let him bring his typewriter on the mission as his one condition to come out of retirement.
...

Why can't women be writers?

They're afraid of periods.

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