UPJOKE
authorpoetnovelistliteraturescriptwriterjournalistplaywrightspeechwriterbiographercommentatorreviewerfictionpoetrynovelscreenplay

Writer Jokes

What do you call a writer who doesn't follow the rules of sentence structure?

A rebel without a clause

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies.

Why don't escaped convicts make good writers?

Because they never finish their sentences

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

My teenage daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer...

I guess she'll have to flip a coin....

Heads or Tales.

What do you get if you point a gun at a writer ?

A sentence.

The Writer

My wife just told me this joke.

Why doesn’t the writer look out the window in the morning?

Because what would they do in the afternoon?

What happened to the writer who could only write with consonants

He was disemvoweled

What dinosaur is a writer's best friend?

Thesaurus

How many resumé writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one:


Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns, and zero safety incidents, increasing workplace safety and productivity.

Writers these days have become so lazy

They’re remaking the first Writer’s Strike

Writer's Strike is on.

George R.R. Martin and Patrick Rothfuss have joined it in solidarity with their fellow TV writers.

What do Lois Lane, Kent Brockman, and a Kotaku writer have in common?

They're all journalists in somebody's imagination.

Did you hear about the writer who wrote too many books?

They got author-itis.

Did you hear about that time a hitman held a writer at gunpoint and forced him to write for Amy Schumer?

The hitman warned him, “Don’t get any funny ideas!”

Patras Bukhari was a very well known Urdu humor writer. He was very witty. Once he was asked: "Have you ever been speechless?" He replied: "Yes. Once I went to the market to get my wrist-watch repaired.

I saw shop with a lot of clocks, so I asked the shopkeeper to repair my wrist-watch.

The shopkeeper said, "Sir, we do not repair watches".

I asked him, "What do you do then?"

Shopkeeper replied: "We do circumcisions".

I asked him: "Then why have you hung so many clocks in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A writer moves to the Shetland Islands

Desiring peace and quiet to write his latest work, he revels in the solitude of the Shetlands. One day there comes a knock on his door, and when he answers, it's a Shetlander - a tall, lanky man, with wild hair, a long beard, and a frazzled sweater.

"I've come to invite you to a party, since...

What blood type do writers have?

Type O

What has 12 writers, 20 actors, and 3 plots?

The Hallmark Channel

Why isn’t blood a good writer??

Because of all the Type-Os.


Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought of it while at my desk and was proud of it cause it made me chuckle lol.

A writer friend of mine claims he is 'glued to his memoir'

That's his story and he's sticking to it.

What do you call it when someone's working on an erotic novel and gets writer's block?

Textual frustration.

Due to the cost of living crisis, a paramedic has had to take a second job as a Buzzfeed writer.

Their first article was on the 2 best forms of resuscitation.

Number 1 was CPR,



Number 2... WILL SHOCK YOU

What's a fanfic writer's weapon of choice?

His headcanon.

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Ten. But number four will shock you.

I wanna be a fiction writer later in life.

So I'm studying journalism.

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

What state has the most writers?

Pencil-vania

What do you call an immaterial fantasy writer?

A non-fongible Tolkien.

What's the difference between a 19th Century shipwright and a 21st Century fan fic writer?

One tries to fit as many cannons as they can onto a ship. The other tries to fit as many ships as they can into canon.

I’m impressed by my favorite writer’s use of conjunctions.

She has a very nice but.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A writer moves to a rural area so he can focus on his writing without distractions

After getting settled in he sits down to start writing and is immediately disturbed by a knock on the door.

He answers to door to find an old scraggly looking man in dirty overalls, with very few teeth, and a long unkempt beard. The old man looks very excited to see him.


Howdy ne...

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver!

EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!

What type of pasta do crooked musical writers like?

Rigatoni

What brand of camera a fanfiction writer owns?

A Canon Camera

Dominatrix author onlyfans creator seeks a fellow writer to be my sub

Basically I need a sub-scriber

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American writer Dorothy Parker was once asked "Why don't you go to church on sunday?"

She replied: "I'm too fucking busy and vice versa."

When I was a kid I wanted to be a fantasy writer

So when I became an adult I joined the UN's security council.

what do erotica writers and twitter trolls have in common?

They both write stuff just to get a rise out of people.

A writer was prosecuted for a short story he wrote

They gave him a long sentence.

I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

Netflix writers have so many different shows to deal with...

They have trouble keeping all their characters straight.

I realize the writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey was better than me every time I enter my house

I am home, but he was Homer.

Farmers would make great writers.

They really know how to work a plot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are creative character writers so good in bed?

……because they really know how to pen a trait!

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

A Buzzfeed writer walks into a bar...

You won't BELIEVE what they asked for!

“What is the limerick writer’s favourite pop group?”

AABBA

How many writers for "The Simpsons" does is take to change a lightbulb?

None. They won't admit that it burnt out 15 years ago!

What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery?

He ended up with a semi-colon.

Someone told me about that manga writer who died recently

I heard his whole fanbase is going Berserk

2 buzzfeed writers walked into a bar

What happened next will blow your minds!

I got kicked out of our Writers Block support group today

It made me really

What do you call a classical writer with Parkinson's and a drinking problem?

Shakesbeer.

What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A New York writer is tired of all the people and noise of the big city

He believes that a quiet place will help him focus so that he can finish his novel. The man moves to an island in Northern Europe with pasture as far as the eye can see and no other houses for miles. After a year of writing he starts to feel lonely. Then, he hears a booming knock on his door. When h...

What happens if a writer drinks too much and writes too little?

His iron-y becomes rust-y

As a writer, my vocabulary is excellent, but my spelling is lacking...

... I thought as I gazed at the squiggly red line beneath the word solemly.

Being a writer keeps me in great physical shape

I'm always running out of ideas.

What did Melania Trump say to her speech writer?

Thanks, Obama.

"Two steaks please", I asked the writer. "Rare for me, medium rare for my friend."

He brought us a lovely bit of panda and a nice chunk of giraffe.

What did the drug-addict writer say when his wife told him to come to bed?

Let me finish this one line.

TIL that the writer Stephen King has a son named Joe...

I’m not joking, but he is...

What's the best college degree to become a successful fiction writer?

Journalism!

Why do writers hate the bible?

It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.

Being a writer is enjoyable...

But the job of editor is more rewording.

Have you heard about the rappers ghost writer going to jail

He was behind bars

David wanted to be a writer!

There was once this young man who professed his desire to become a great writer. Say hello to David. When asked what he wanted to write, David would say with great enthusiasm, " I want to write stuff that the whole world will read. Stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff th...

The mining industry wants to put out a radio advert to help with recruitment. They hire a jingle writer, and he asks them what key he should write it in.

They said: "B minor".

Why is the German writer always starving?

Because he is paid by the word.

I got fired from being an eulogy writer. Because the only thing I wrote was “plethora.”

I thought it meant a lot to a lot of people.

Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer?

HG Wells.

What does the writer suffer from each spring?

A case of allegories

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A ...

I often get asked what it's like to work as both a writer and a scammer...

I just say that it has its own Prose and Cons

Early in the development of the Clone Wars show the writers wanted Obi Wan to forgive Darth Mail for killing his master and befriend him.

They decided to let Qui-Gons be bygones.

What are the two possible things that can happen when a ghost writer dies?

He becomes a ghost-ghost writer
Or...
Drake's career ends either of the two.

Why do writers always feel cold?

Because they are surrounded by drafts!

How does a Buzzfeed writer catch fish?

Clickbait.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite porn category is the one where girls quote 19th century Irish writers

Girls Gone Wilde.

A clickbait writer dies and goes to hell.

And you won't **BELIEVE** what happens next!

I made a YouTube video about the violence I endured as a writer on board a U-boat

Just hit subscribe.

I electrified the toilet of a clickbait writer

No. 1 will shock him.

What's it like to be an aspiring writer?

It's difficult to put into words.

How many Buzzfeed writers would use a taser on you?

We asked 20 of them, and number seven may shock you.

The Prime Minister's speech writer has resigned.

He's speechless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to you piss off a writer?

The list off ways is to long too fit hear.

Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor?

He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway.

"I am a writer!" - "And already sold something?"

"Yes, my house and my car."

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

The guy who wrote the song 'In Too Deep' missed out on the 'best writer of a rock song' award.

Most of the judges said he lost, but Sum41.

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You’re in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.

I had a friend who studied linguistics at Oxford. To help pay tuition he tried moonlighting as a writer at a nudie mag, but it didn't work out.

He couldn't write a rhotic /r/

I'm a writer

My pen name is Bic

What do you call an uncredited writer in urban northwest Pennsylvania?

An Erie ghost writer.

A goalkeeper and a striker are arguing over who's the better writer in their soccer team.

Their argument becomes so heated that their coach suggests that they do an essay-writing competition. The two teammates agree.

The next day, the two of them are told to spend 2 hours typing an essay on the team's history and tactics on two old-fashioned desktop computers with attached printer...

Why can't women be writers?

They're afraid of periods.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.