How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to give it an unexpected twist at the end.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver!

EDIT AGAIN: Thank you for the gold and platinum! I am honored!

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to start an electric chair?

13, but #9 will shock you!

Why can't women be writers?

They're afraid of periods.

A man named Isaac and a famous science fiction writer sit in a bar.

Isaac says to the science fiction writer, "who are you?"
The writer replies: "I am Isaac."
Delighted at the coincidence, Isaac says "As am I!"
The writer frowns and shakes his head. "No, Asim*ov*."

What do writers have for breakfast?

Synonym buns

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!". He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

What do you call the part of the city where unsuccessful writers live?

The writers' block.

2 buzzfeed writers walked into a bar

What happened next will blow your minds!

What dinosaur is a writer's best friend?

Thesaurus

What are the two possible things that can happen when a ghost writer dies?

He becomes a ghost-ghost writer
Or...
Drake's career ends either of the two.

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

The mining industry wants to put out a radio advert to help with recruitment. They hire a jingle writer, and he asks them what key he should write it in.

They said: "B minor".

How many Buzzfeed writers would use a taser on you?

We asked 20 of them, and number seven may shock you.

What's it like to be an aspiring writer?

It's difficult to put into words.

I realize the writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey was better than me every time I enter my house

I am home, but he was Homer.

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You’re in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.

A Buzzfeed writer walks into a bar...

You won't BELIEVE what they asked for!

The Prime Minister's speech writer has resigned.

He's speechless.

Did you hear that the writer of the Hokey Cokey has died?

The family are struggling to get him buried though, they can’t get him in the coffin...

It all started when they tried to get his left leg in

I thought you were a great writer...

JK

TIL that the writer Stephen King has a son named Joe...

I’m not joking, but he is...

A writer, a mathematician, and a programmer are stuck in a plane on the runway.

The writer says, "I bet I could write a story about plane delays and how awful they are. I think a lot of people would relate to it and the airlines would improve their service after hearing the outcry."

The mathematician says, "I bet I could write a theorem on the average amount of time each...

What does the writer suffer from each spring?

A case of allegories

The guy who wrote the song 'In Too Deep' missed out on the 'best writer of a rock song' award.

Most of the judges said he lost, but Sum41.

What did Melania Trump say to her speech writer?

Thanks, Obama.

I had a friend who studied linguistics at Oxford. To help pay tuition he tried moonlighting as a writer at a nudie mag, but it didn't work out.

He couldn't write a rhotic /r/

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

Being a writer is enjoyable...

But the job of editor is more rewording.

Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer?

HG Wells.

Being a writer keeps me in great physical shape

I'm always running out of ideas.

I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

A clickbait writer dies and goes to hell.

And you won't **BELIEVE** what happens next!

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

Why do writers hate the bible?

It has terrible characters, Noah is the only one with an arc.

I electrified the toilet of a clickbait writer

No. 1 will shock him.

What's the difference between hiring a team to write your jokes, and the team of joke writers itself?

One's a cunning plan, the others a punning clan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A New York writer is tired of all the people and noise of the big city

He believes that a quiet place will help him focus so that he can finish his novel. The man moves to an island in Northern Europe with pasture as far as the eye can see and no other houses for miles. After a year of writing he starts to feel lonely. Then, he hears a booming knock on his door. When h...

"I am a writer!" - "And already sold something?"

"Yes, my house and my car."

Why are writers really good at coding?

Because they are really into Pro grammar.

What's the best college degree to become a successful fiction writer?

Journalism!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite porn category is the one where girls quote 19th century Irish writers

Girls Gone Wilde.

A goalkeeper and a striker are arguing over who's the better writer in their soccer team.

Their argument becomes so heated that their coach suggests that they do an essay-writing competition. The two teammates agree.

The next day, the two of them are told to spend 2 hours typing an essay on the team's history and tactics on two old-fashioned desktop computers with attached printer...

A retired astronaut and dabbling writer gets a call from NASA

NASA asks the astronaut to help with the international space station, as he is the only one who knows how to fix the system that needs repairs. The man, a fan of old fashioned writing, requires NASA to let him bring his typewriter on the mission as his one condition to come out of retirement.
...

What do you call it when a writer hangs himself off the side of the mountain?

A cliffhanger.

Why do writers always feel cold?

Because they are surrounded by drafts!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to you piss off a writer?

The list off ways is to long too fit hear.

What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two smut writers get together...

That night there was a lot of fanfriction.

Who was the famous writer, that died in WWII?

I don't know Anne Frankly I don't care.

How does a Buzzfeed writer catch fish?

Clickbait.

High Noon

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a writer, I often correct grammar online and get called a Grammar Nazi because of it.

I'm not a Grammar Nazi, okay? I'm just alt-literate.

Why does the cast of the Avengers not know the full script of the movie yet?

The writers are trying to keep things Loki.

What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans?

Plot Holders.

A bald man walks into a bar...

He approaches the barkeeper and tells him

"I have something in my pocket that I will show you. If you swear you've never seen anything like it before, I'll have free drinks all night"

The barkeeper, in his mid fifties, who has clearly seen a lot in his life, agrees with a nod.

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young frustrated actor, James, was desperately looking for a role.

He had been auditioning and auditioning to no avail. At this point, after the Weinstein revelations, he was convinced that the show business industry was completely corrupt and directors and producers only cast people who were willing to do “favours” for them. 



He’d turned down a dire...

What's the motto of the American Writers Guild?

YOU ESSAY! YOU ESSAY!

Did you hear about the writer that became a tailor?

He had to make an Ernest living, the Hemingway.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.


- Credit to the writers of 'Hot Shots'.

Why do Vampires hate Writers?

Because they hate Type O's

Why couldn't Donald Trump be a successful song writer?

Because every good song has a bridge, not a wall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a pedophile's favorite writer?

dickinson.
^^^sorry.

Did you know that William Shakespeare died on the same day he was born?

He must have been a fast writer!

My friend from Prague is a writer.

He likes to use Spellczech.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Charles Dickens had writer's block…

He had a contract due for a new novel, but he hadn't even thought of a title yet. He went into the local pub and asked the barman for a Martini.

"Olive, or twist?"

Did you hear about the writer who brought peace to the Middle East?

He had a way with Kurds.

"I'm NOT a window cleaner!"

(Inspired by IT crowd)

One gloomy day in London a man by the name of Roy walks in a park, taking a short break from his job in an IT department. Suprisingly, he runs into an old school friend named Alister during his walk, and they catch up. Alister is a local writer for a very famous publish...

Just heard Barrack Obama's main writer has been killed..

Sources reporting that he is currently speechless.

What's the difference between a park bench and a writer?

A park bench can support a family.

So a cinematographer, writer, and production designer walk into a bar....

and the director takes all the credit.

What does a writer hope to get in a Christmas cracker?

A Pull-it-surprise!

And actor, a director and a writer walk into a bar.

A director, an actor and a writer walk into a bar.

A sign hanging over the bar proclaims an amateur bull-fighting tournament; where a winner can walk away with a load of gold.

The director races to the bullring, confident in winning the bullion. He sets up lights all over the ring and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay son

Three succesful men met up in a restaurant for dinner. First one started to talk "You know how my son is a succesful writer?" both men agreed "well he is soo succesful that he bought his best friend a brand new yacht worth 5 million dollars for his birthday last week." both men congratulated him.Sec...

What does the narcissistic cow say?

"Meeeeee!"

I wrote this.
I'm now a comedy writer.
You are welcome.

What do you call a neighbourhood full of idle novelists?

Writer's block.

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