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Scientists Jokes

Scientists have discovered a way to milk sheep.

Just release a new iphone every year.
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Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...
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Husband: "Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000..."

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"
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Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.

"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...
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Two scientists walk into a bar.

The barmen recieves them and asks for their order.

"Well, I'll have a glass of H2O", says the first scientist, giggling to his friend.

"Oh, then I'll have H20, too", says the other scientist, giggling at their inside joke.

The barmen brings their drinks, and they slowly starts s...

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world...

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the top scientists in the world.

On the way there, he tells his driver, that looks a bit like him, "I'm sick of all these conferences, I always say the same things over and over!"

The drivers agrees, "You're right, as your driver, I at...
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?

Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31
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Two scientists were walking around in Russia during winter

Scientist one: It's really cold outside, how many degrees?

Scientist two: it's -40°

Scientist one: Celsius or Fahrenheit?

Scientist two: Yes.
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Yesterday, scientists discovered a species of lizard whose sperm is invisible.

They never saw it coming.
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Muslim scientists..

Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages.

They’re calling it ‘Islam’.
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Two scientists walk into a bar

“I’ll have H20” says the 1st.

“I’ll have H20, too” says the 2nd.

The bartender doesn’t have a clue what they want because he flunked out of high school, and started working at a bar.
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Scientists got so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours

They called it a day.
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KFC has asked scientists to edit the chicken genome.

They want something CRISPR.
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5 out of 6 scientists say…

…that Russian roulette is safe.
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Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle
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Two scientists walk into a restaurant

The first one says, "I'll have a glass of H2O".

The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. We are not at work right now, why are you referring to it like that?"

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and weeps, for his murder plan had failed.
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Two scientists are working together

Both have different projects to work on.

1st scientist saw 1 unknown chemical. Curiously, he asked,"Bro, what and whose chemical is this?"

2nd scientist replied, "Bromine"
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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered an amazing fact about icebergs...

More below.
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Two scientists walk into a bar...

The first one says, "I'd like some H2O."
The second says, "And I'll have some H2... wait. Why aren't you just referring to water by its normal name? I mean, I know it's our job, but we're just getting a drink."

The first scientist slams the table angrily, for his assassination scheme had ...
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How do scientists measure a person's sex drive?

In kilometers in Europe, and miles in America!

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first man says “I’ll have H2O please.”

The bartender replies “Sure thing, and you?”

The second man says “I’ll have H2O aswell please.”

The bartender turns around and mutters to himself “Dammit, I’ll get him next time.”
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Two scientists are playing Minecraft.

Two scientists are playing Minecraft. One is new to the game and doesn’t know much about it. At some point, he crafts a pickaxe, but doesn’t know what to do with it, so he asks the more experienced scientist.

Scientist 1: Bro, what should I do with this pickaxe that I crafted?

Scie...
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Scientists finally located the gene that causes shyness

It was hiding behind two other genes.
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Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth

... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.
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Scientists, as an experiment, take two groups of people.

The first is a hundred men and one woman, the second, a hundred women and one man. Each group is put on an uninhabited island, and left alone.

A month later, the scientists check how the societies developed.

Island one:

The woman is sitting on a throne, proud as a queen. The men...
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Scientists say

Scientists say that regular masturbation can help fight off the common cold.

That's great news because I've run out of tissues.

Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes
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Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything!

>!sorry for the mandatory Cake day dad Joke!<
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What workplace game do scientists like to play?

Formaldehyde-and-go-seek
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Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

God VS scientists

So a group of scientists get together and discuss what they can do and decide to talk to God about it.

'God' they say 'We've decided we don't want you around anymore. We can now do everything you can do'

God thinks for a bit and says 'tell you what. I'll bet you I can do something you...
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What do scientists bring to parties?

Sodium, Carbon, Helium, Oxygen, and Sulfur!
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Scientists studying frogs

Two scientists are studying how far frogs can jump. Their first step was to teach a frog to jump on command. This completed, they yelled jump, and the frog jumped 8 meters. Considering what effect each leg had, they then amputated one leg and yelled jump again. The frog jumped 6 meters. After notin...
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Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…

They’ve left no tern unstoned…
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Why Don't Scientists Trust Atoms?

Because they make up everything.
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[NSFW] A study just released shows that 84 percent of all people admit to masturbating regularly.

Scientists are very encouraged. The 16 percent rate of lying is the lowest they have ever measured.

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For the longest time scientists believed in a treatment for ED.

But until Viagra came along, there was no hard evidence.

Scientists Play Hide-and-Seek

All the great scientists throughout history are brought together for a game of hide and seek. They draw straws and Einstein is "it" first. He starts counting back from 100 as all the other great minds run hither and thither looking to hide. Newton runs over to the bushes but Heisenberg is already ...
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Three scientists came across a sheep with black wool in a paddock.

The first scientist said “Seeing as this sheep has black wool, we must be able to conclude that all sheep have black wool”

The second scientist said “No, you are wrong. Seeing as this sheep has black wool, we can only conclude that some sheep have black wool”

The third scientist said “...
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According to scientists,

Infertility is hereditary. So, if your parents didn't have kids, then neither will you.
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Scientists have discovered a planet populated entirely by robots.

They call it Mars.
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Did you guys see that scientists invented a pill that kills your thirst?

You just have to take the pill then have two large glasses of water.
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Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts

is to make males stupid.

Scientists have today discovered that dark matter actually does not exist.

The source of the unknown mass in the galaxy was never dark matter, but the result of a calculation mistake.

The scientists admit that they forgot to include your mother in the calculations, and therefor the last (approximately) 80% of the mass in the Milky Way has finally been discovered.
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A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.
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Two Norwegian scientists were operating on a frog....

They taught it to jump on command. When they said "Jump!" it leaped forwards.

They removed one rear leg and said "Jump!". The frog leaped forwards.

They removed the other rear leg and said "Jump!", but nothing seemed to happen.

After much discussion they could conclude that if y...
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A scientist and a religious man were debating the evolution theory

(English is my second language here but I will try to do my best, it is probably funnier in my language- A rephrase is welcomed!)

A scientist and a religious man were debating the evolution theory. The religious man was trying to convince the scientist that facts are more clearer than the sci...
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Scientists found out...

...some were also found in!
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Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

Edit: First time on the front page of /r/Jokes!

Edit 2: #10!
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Scientists found out that crabs hear through their legs.

A scientist yelled at a crab and it ran away. Then he cut of its legs and yelled at it again. And suddenly the crab didn't run away anymore.
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How do scientists freshen their breath?

With *experi-mints* !
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Did you know that scientists have named the core of Uranus?

It's called urectum

Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away a whim away...
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I just opened a wig shop for vengeful mad scientists and evil geniuses experiencing hair loss.

It's called "There'll be hell toupe".
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Scientists say that talking to dairy cows helps them to produce more milk

>!It's in one ear and out the udder!<
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Scientists tested a frog.

They cut off its legs and said "jump!"

The frog didn't jump.

Scientists therefore concluded that when frogs lose their legs, they become deaf.
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We asked a group of scientists to study what's an acceptable amount of existential dread to experience.

Their response was, "It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things."
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Scientists have discovered why flamingos stand on one leg

Removed cause Reddit doesn't care about their users. (API Changes)
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Why do mad scientists and mathematicians get along so well?

One tests the limits of their patients, the others limits, test their patience.
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Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.
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American scientists found out...

...but then they went back inside.
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A couple scientists created an AI

That seemed to be able to answer all questions. It cured cancer and even told them how to travel faster than light.one day one of the scientists asked it if there was a god. The ai asked for all of humanities information in order to answer. It was given all books ever written, all historical data an...
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Scientists say that 90% of £5 notes carry germs.

That's not true, even a germ can't live of £5 these days!
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What sort of scientists does Soda Stream employ?

Fizzyscists
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Scientists have discovered the sub-atomic particle that confers density.

They've called it the Moron.
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Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.

HeHe
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Just one.

How many scientists does it take to build a time machine?
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After years of research, scientists discovered bees are allergic to pollen

Turns out when exposed to pollen, bees develop hives
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Scientists have determined that the Earth has a resonant frequency

The planet resonates at a low B note. However if you were flying away in a space ship the frequency would drop due to the doppler effect, and the Earth would B flat.
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Scientists now have a word for post-coital bonding

Unfortunately all the men in the study had fallen asleep before it could be explained to them.
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Scientists have demonstrated that nerves spread throughout the body are related to human personality.

For example, if a subjects arms are removed, that subject becomes much less likely to volunteer for science tests.
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Scientists got together and decided that humanity had come a long way and no longer needed God.

So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point where we can clone people, manipulate atoms, build molecules, fly through space, and do many other miraculous th...
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Scientists have determined the optimal age at which humans are able to safely start using social media:

123 years old.
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Scientists are working on new solar energy panels.

They want a material that absorbs and releases the most radiating heat. The consensus is car seats.
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Scientists say four out of five people suffer from diarrhea...

I'm just wondering, does that mean that *one* other person enjoys it?
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Apparently scientists are now investigating an anomaly in the European date system

They're working on it 24/7
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Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.

Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter
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Scientists have found out that diarrhoea is hereditary

It runs in your jeans.
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How do scientists get rid of bodies?

Barium
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American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock i...
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How often do scientists like to joke about elements?

Periodically
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How do scientists keep their breath fresh?

Experamints
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New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep

Meat and wool.
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Two scientists naming periplaneta americana

Sc 1 : so what should we nickname it?
Sc 2 : idk um..... penisinsect
Sc 1 : naah
Sc 2 : um so dickbug ?
Sc 1 : nope
Sc 2 : cockroach ?
Sc 1 : HELL YEAH!!!

*happy scientist noises in the background*

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