There was a story in the news this morning (really!), that researchers have determined that dogs can tell who is infected with COVID-19 with 96% accuracy, even before someone is symptomatic.

My dog is scaring me to death. He came over to me just now, wearing a surgical mask and face shield. I think he's trying to tell me something.

Also suspect that when you go to the hospital with COVID symptoms, they will do a DG scan. It's like a CT scan, only with a dog instead of a cat.

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After 175 years, researchers have finally figured out what caused the Irish Potato Famine of 1845

One of the potatoes that rose to power was named Richard. He was a Dick tater.

Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn't exist...

We would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.

What do you call a highly cited epidemiology researcher with a social media presence?

An influenzer.

A team of researchers have figured out how to reduce the rate of new mental disorder cases by 100%!

“Stop diagnosing them.”

I just got off the phone with a researcher in China. He says it's not worth getting the Covid-19 now.

As they are expecting the Covid-20 PRO to be released in September

A rather crooked friend of mine said that he was gonna trick some nuclear researchers.

I was a little worried. I asked if it was a conCERN.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from avian flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not av...

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

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The Fisherman

An esteemed researcher in the field of physiology of human sexuality is giving a lecture at the public library on a rainy Tuesday night.

He is explaining the density of nerve endings and his research on the female orgasm.

“While the majority of women experience clitoral orgasm due the...

A group of 6 Irish professors and researchers walk into a bar one night...

They have a good old-time drinking, discussing theory, students and their mistakes, current research ideas, and anything and everything in between.

One researcher, who appears to be the leader of this group, orders a round of drinks for everyone and introduces himself to the barkeep as Arthu...

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What do you call a short Mexican researcher in Antarctica?

A Burrito

First joke I've ever come up with. My Hispanic wife laughed her butt off.

Scientists were studying rams

They had three rams in their lab. Each ram had a leather collar, and attached to each collar was a tag identifying them as A, B and C.

One of the researchers brought a large gourd from the supply closet and placed it on the head of Ram A. Nothing happened. After five minutes he removed the g...

There has been 45,000 cases of head lice reported in the last 24 hours across the Midwest

Researchers are scratching their heads over that one.

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According to the journal Nature ...

researchers at Kyoto University
in Japan have a chimpanzee that can remember the correct
sequence of five random numbers and performed about as well as
an average preschool child. [Unfortunately, now they have to
keep her separated from the rest of the chimps. She took all of
the...

Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

Researchers have recently started using lawyers instead of rats in their lab experiments.

You don’t get so attached to them, and there are some things a rat just won’t do.

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During a recent archaeological dig, researchers believe they have found the worlds first tampon...

...but they don't know from what period.

A researcher is experimenting on a frog

He says: "Jump!".

The frog jumps, and the man writes down: " The frog with four legs jumps".

He then cuts one of the frog's legs and says: "Jump!".

The frog jumps, and the man writes down: "The frog with three legs jumps".

He then cuts another leg and says: "Jump!".
...

Researcher: Do you cheat on your wife?

Me: Who else would I cheat on?

Two aliens are sitting in their spaceship looking at the earth.

One of them has been researching whether an invasion would be viable. He reports back to his commander "the humans have somehow managed to harness the power of the atom to create some of the most powerful weapons I've ever seen".

The commander says "maybe it would be unwise for us to invade t...

Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms...

Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre.

The pregnant researcher gave birth to twin girls.

She named one Constance and keeps changing the name of the other one.

What's the difference between a priest and a cryogenics researcher?

Only one of them is a chilled mole tester.

I heard that researchers in Antarctica have the worst, meanest personalities

They must be so cold

A researcher conducted a study on the thoughts and feelings of women after having an abortion.

The findings were not a parent.

I used to be a researcher for a hard drive manufacturer. I was the first person ever to fit 1000 megabytes into an SSD. Looking back...

It was a solid gig.

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

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NSFW? This may be a old one. I have not seen my uncle for 5 months.

When I saw him, he told me “researchers have discovered why people were hoarding all the toilet paper. It was due to whenever someone sneezed or coughed, 10 other people shit their pants.”

Researchers have found the leading cause of dry skin.

Towels

What do you call a snake that studies and researchers past events?

A hiiiiiiiistorian.

I'll see myself out.

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Medical researchers still haven't found a cure for premature ejaculation.

But I hear that it's coming quickly.

Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,

your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.

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Several researchers began a study on linguistics,

Relating to common speech patterns.

The scientists running the study gathered up 10 average people, to take notes and research how the spoke in every day Life.

All the participants we're fitted with microphones that they were to wear around, so their vernacular could be recorded and ...

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Why haven’t researchers cured sex addiction yet?

Their studies are fucked.

Pun researchers

Psychologists interested in humor wanted to know more about how people respond to puns, specifically what kinds of puns make people laugh. The compiled a list of ten representative puns, and showed them to a group of 100 people to see which of the puns would make those people laugh, and discovered t...

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Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast...

It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

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A researcher was conducting a study on the effects of gore across various cultures

He selected an American, a European, and a Japanese man. To see the reactions of these people, he used a picture of a man with his toes freshly amputated.

The American man seemed a bit squeamish when presented with the picture, but otherwise he was okay.

The European man wrinkled his f...

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Researchers have developed a groundbreaking new birth control gel for men

How it works is the man applies the gel for about two minutes and then realizes he no longer needs sex.

Researchers rolled an assortment of vegetables down a hill to see which would travel fastest

Stephen Hawking won by a landslide

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

Harper Lee made her own alcohol several decades ago, researchers found out it's called

Tequila Mockingbird.

5 out of six researchers conclude,

Russian roulette is complete safe.

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3 couples participated in an experiment about orgasms.

Each couple was shown a room with a bed full of sensors. Above the door leading into each room, was a special meter, akin to a speedometer, able to indicate up to 100.

So first round, couples do their routine stuff, and go see their meters. 20, 40, 60. There was a locked door however, the met...

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Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia.

However, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

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