Researchers have discovered a self-sustainable utopia where the recycling rate is as high as 98%

But you already know about this place. Welcome to /r/jokes.

I heard that researchers in Antarctica have the worst, meanest personalities

They must be so cold

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

I used to be a researcher for a hard drive manufacturer. I was the first person ever to fit 1000 megabytes into an SSD. Looking back...

It was a solid gig.

Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,

your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.

Researchers have found the leading cause of dry skin.

Towels

Pun researchers

Psychologists interested in humor wanted to know more about how people respond to puns, specifically what kinds of puns make people laugh. The compiled a list of ten representative puns, and showed them to a group of 100 people to see which of the puns would make those people laugh, and discovered t...

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Researchers have developed a groundbreaking new birth control gel for men

How it works is the man applies the gel for about two minutes and then realizes he no longer needs sex.

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Why haven’t researchers cured sex addiction yet?

Their studies are fucked.

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered...

...that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan. Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing. Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.
...

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Medical researchers still haven't found a cure for premature ejaculation.

But I hear that it's coming quickly.

Harper Lee made her own alcohol several decades ago, researchers found out it's called

Tequila Mockingbird.

Researchers rolled an assortment of vegetables down a hill to see which would travel fastest

Stephen Hawking won by a landslide

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A researcher was conducting a study on the effects of gore across various cultures

He selected an American, a European, and a Japanese man. To see the reactions of these people, he used a picture of a man with his toes freshly amputated.

The American man seemed a bit squeamish when presented with the picture, but otherwise he was okay.

The European man wrinkled his f...

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Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast...

It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

What do you call a snake that studies and researchers past events?

A hiiiiiiiistorian.

I'll see myself out.

Researchers have developed a new painkiller with no negative side effects

… and no positive either.

A researcher is doing a study about psychology under certain physical conditions...

He had his subjects lay on a table, then tilted the table making either their feet or their head higher. He then asks a series of yes or no propositions and records their responses.

“It seems to me that with feet tilted up, questioners respond more negatively to the questionnaire, but the o...

5 out of six researchers conclude,

Russian roulette is complete safe.

Researchers in Texas have cured diabetes in mice without side effects.

I bet the scientist that are trying to cure diabetes in humans are so jealous right now.

Why did the Scottish researcher decide to clone a sheep?

He wanted their love to last forever

A Researcher Goes To A Farm...

So a researcher goes to a farm, and asks the farmer a couple questions.
Researcher: How much milk do your cows produce?
Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one?
Researcher: The black one.
Farmer: A couple liters a day.
Researcher: and the brown?
Farmer: A couple liters pe...

Researchers used CRISPR to encode a movie onto DNA

Time to create some viral memes

I was recently asked to be a part of a biological experiment. The researchers said they would mutate me with an extra chromosome and give me $10 000 for it.

I'm down.

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Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia.

However, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

Researchers recently unveiled a device will launch stinging insects at high speeds.

It has beegun.

A group of researchers were interested in studying...

...some of the complex effects of stereotype threat in test-taking situations. Stereotype threat is a social psychology theory that states an individual may experience anxiety when they have the potential to confirm a negative stereotype, thus adversely affecting their performance on a test. For exa...

Researchers found that students of a teacher who regularly took LSD lived extraordinarily long lives.

It seems his pupils die late.

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20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?

Researchers in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.

Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study....

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A researcher carrying out a phone survey on marital sex...

phoned one of the participants to check on a discrepancy. He asked the husband: "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered 'once a week,' but your wife answered 'several times a night.'"

"That's correct," said the husband. "And that's the way it's going to be unti...

Why did the 2 stem cell researchers get a divorce?

Because they grew a part.

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There was once a psych researcher with a rare genetic defect that gave her four buttocks.

She was fired for being bi-assed.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority

found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and,
To everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be v...

Researchers have discovered that diarrhea is influenced by genetics.

Their evidence: It runs in your jeans.

Researchers found a deep-ocean microbe which could explain transition from simple to complex cells

However, it passed away before it even had begun explaining.

Why did the researchers stopped their research on embryos?

Because the subject is still to immature.

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft...

...The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. T...

Why did the researcher take his paper to the harbour?

To get it pier reviewed.

An Indian scientist was collaborating with an American called Robert

Both of them being genetic researchers, they had reached a breakthrough in rice where a gene introduced would help it grow in the most adverse of conditions. They called it Victory gene, or V gene for short.

But Robert decided to steal the credit for himself, so he stole the v gene, and escap...

There was a study on Crows done in the UK....

As we all know, crows are very smart animals. They've learned that if they drop a nut into traffic, cars will run over it and break it open. This is usually performed by 2 crows; one to do the dropping and retrieving, and the second to signal no the first one when traffic is clear and it's safe to g...

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How are AIDS researchers like Jews?

There's a lot less of them than there used to be...

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Creativity testing

Three men are chosen to test their creativity; an American, a Frenchman and a Russian.

All are placed in rooms, which are secure and inescapable. They all are handed 3 titanium balls, made to last, unbreakable and solid.

After 2 hours, the researchers start checking up on them; the Ame...

There is a country that is still mostly undocumented

This country is not too large in size, but it's covered by miles and miles of tar. It's gone by many names, such as "The Country of Tar," and still lacks an official title. According to the few documents that exist for it, the tar covering the country could conceal countless amounts of undiscovered ...

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Sheep Shagging

A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he asks an English farmer. "So, how do you shag your sheep?"

"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."

"That's very inte...

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A government study was funded to study various sexual perversions: sado-masochism, necrophilia and bestiality.

The study was soon halted however, the researchers decided they were just beating a dead horse.

A true story recounted by Heinz R. Pagels in The Dreams of Reason

> Back in the early 1960s a major psychology conference was held on behavior. Researchers presented paper after paper on the learning behavior of rats - how they ran mazes with their brains monitored electronically or rats on drugs and so on. Then someone presented a paper on human behavior. In t...

Scientists use both positive and negative conditioning to teach cats to speak.

In a group of cats, a tutor would reward an individual cat who said "me" with the best food at feeding time. In another experiment, a researcher would apply mild electric shocks to the subject cat until it said "ow".

The lead scientist said they've had some success, however they weren't sure...

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A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie t...

Crows

One day, about a year ago, 100 dead crows were found on the side of a motorway. Upon investigation, The crows were found to have been hit by vehicles, and were covered in specs of varying paint.

After further investigation it was also found that the paint on the crows had two different types...

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Vaseline

A market researcher called at a house while on his rounds with his questionnaire, and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked the harassed young woman if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his comp...

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Monkeys.

After years of tedious interdisciplinary study, researchers at the University of Wisconsin-Madison confirmed that the reason monkeys throw feces is because they considered the target's behaviors to be acts of aggression.

... Talk hit, get shit.

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Have you heard the old one about a woman doing a survey on sexual attitudes?

She stops an airline pilot and asks him, amongst other things, when he last had sexual intercourse. He replies 1958. Now, knowing airline pilots, the researcher is surprised and queries this. Well, says the pilot, it's only 2110 now.

(Credit, John Cleese c. 1991)

An engineer, a maintenance mechanic and a monkey are each given three ball bearings.

An engineer, a maintenance mechanic and a monkey are each given three ball bearings. Their actions and behavior were then observed for several hours. When the head researcher made his rounds he asked the first assistant how the monkey was doing. He replied that after only a short while the monkey ha...

A research group was engaged in a study..

A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, thi...

So during World War 2, a lot of experiments took place on the front lines;

*Doctor Heinfeld*, a leading researcher in Engineering and Biology at the front, wanted to test a new mechanical heart he had engineered, and offered a clockwork heart he had engineered to a then-dieing solider, named *Hugo*, who took it without hesitation.

Later on, Hugo (now fully recovered...

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The Study Conducted by the German Scientist

Okay this isn't really a joke but it's kind of interesting, especially if you like dogs. In 1998 a German researcher by the name of Dr. Karl Wagner conducted a study on the agility of dogs. One hundred male dogs and one hundred females dogs each ran a series of increasingly difficult obstacle cours...

Kudos if you get the joke

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician each have their respective problem-solving skills tested by a group of researchers. They are each placed in separate locked 4x4 cells with walls made of cement and given a can of food. They are told to open the cans and get the food out using no other ou...

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Blonde Research Study

An American research firm is tasked with conducting a study to determine if blonde women truly are less intelligent than everyone else. To do this, they host a convention for blonde women at an airport Hilton. At the orientation meeting, the chief researcher greets the crowd in a large banquet room....

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Two explorers in a jungle

A researcher accompanied by his assistant are exploring the jungles of Africa, when suddenly they are caught by a hostile tribe. The explorers are brought to the tribe and are imprisoned in separate huts. The king of the tribe appears to the researcher and tells him that if you want to live you have...

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A student was working on her doctorate in anthropology ...

and researching for her thesis titled “Dichotomous Dystopian Misogyny in Contemporary Central American Folklore”. She traveled to rural Mexico to track down Poncho ‘Two Guns’ Valdez, a mythic bandito of the Central American highlands.


She walked into a bar and asked the bar tender. “Do yo...

It just all depends on how you look at some things...

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Congressman Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid ...

A funny thing happened at the lab

A seventy-four year old medical researcher went to the doctor after having a seeming unexplainable illness that had lasted for several days.

After describing her symptoms, the doctor performed a series of tests and then reached a diagnosis.

The doctor said, "I am not sure how to tell y...

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Topical Jokes for 10/29

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

McDonald’s has unveiled their new slogan, “Lovin’ Beats Hatin.” The hip hop slogan debuted alongside an updated Ronald McDonald, who is now shirtless and wearing a du-rag.

…”Lovin’ Beats Hatin” narrowly beat out the...

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